QuietOne

"Transitioning" with in laws

Well, I just noticed that my mother-in-law blew my phone up while she was drunk last night. If you knew her that's nothing out of the ordinary especially with the meds she's on. It seemed like every message was coming at me for being transgender. It started with a half dozen missed calls then immediately went to the topic of her daughter marrying a transman. She said I was wrong for saying I'm transgender and that it'd be easier to say I was transitioning. Being honest, I'm not someone who found it necessary to get hormones or surgery.

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Right Path

Stuck at a crossroads

No signs

No civilization

Nothing

Only the whisper of trees

Lost at the fork

Staring at each choice

Nothing but death is certain

No clue

Muscles stiffen

Blood boils

Screams of frustration fill the air

Which way is it!?

There's no way to know for sure

Heart breaks

Pressure mounts

Suddenly a tiny tug

Lead slowly in one direction

An angel guide

With sad dark eyes

Pleading to go this way

This is the path

Back again

Well, I'm back again because I just couldn't stay away. I've been taking writing more seriously lately and kept thinking back to this place. It's the only place I really ever felt comfortable or at home. Whenever I try to talk to other writers online it's like talking to a brick wall, but here it's always been different. I appreciate each and every one of you and I look forward to making some new friends as well as getting back in touch with some old ones.

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What is life?

What is life?

Tears swell in searing eyes
Bile lurches upward ready to burst
Heart going so fast its stopped
Lungs quiver, ribs ache
I’m sorry…
Words aren’t enough, nothing is
A dark void grows swallowing all
Nothing and no one is safe
Is there any hope left?
I’m drowning
Vision fades, nothing but black
So much weight, body seizing
Everything is numb
All is ice
Am I dead?
No…
I’m alive.

Emptiness

Today has been one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. Last night my therapist went over the whole adoption situation for the first time since the anniversary is on Thursday. She had to have told me at least a dozen times that no piece of that blame pie was mine. I know she's right there was nothing I did wrong to cause what happened. In a way it was easier to blame myself because it wouldn't hurt as bad. Since then though my mind has changed and being honest I've been crying all day over that lost time and how it could've been spent.

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Loss

Well fuck me and my life let me start there. Earlier this morning I spent 2 hours writing a blog trying to explain my anguish and loss during this month. When I came back to reread it I found that it had never published and honestly almost threw my laptop (among other things.) Tell the truth I don't even know why the fuck I'm bothering to write anything again. I mean you know that there are just no words to describe certain situations but I had managed something.

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A new start

It's been a long time since I've been here. Life has gotten so crazy I lost a lot of who I am. Once I saw that purple banner though all these memories washed over me. I remember all the kind people who encouraged my writing and gave me amazing advice. I missed being here and I hope to become a regular once more. Since I only wrote stories before I thought it'd be interesting to give blogging a try. The thing I seem to know the most about is just life and living. There hasn't really been many things that can happen that I haven't already experienced.

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The end of a long wait

Greg was sitting on a bus staring out the window vacantly lost in the depths of his mind. He would see his Stacy today for the first time and butterflies swarmed in his stomach. His entire body shook with excitement and fear as he wondered what she was doing. There was an hour left til he got to where he needed to be. A beautiful seaside town there was a hotel right by the beach and he took a deep breath. It was a weak attempt to tame his butterflies but he was glad for them, they only made him think of her more.

A nightmare come true

Luna was laying in bed half asleep when her husband of five years came in. Jasper smiled at his beautiful wife and laid next to her. Immediately Luna nuzzled up against Jasper and caressed his face gently. He blushed and looked at her swollen belly smiling bigger, Luna looked up at him. "Someone looks happy." She said softly and smiled as she pecked his cheek, "Maybe just a little." Jasper smiled back and kissed her gently and held her hand interlocking their fingers. They stayed like that for awhile perfectly content in each others company.

Trying to live 5

I took out my blade it was spawned from an old shaving razor I broke apart. That was the trickiest thing harvesting the blades without cutting up your fingers. As I sat in the dirty mens room alone I looked around and held my blade close. Nothing too fantastic was written or drawn on the walls just the usual tags and phone numbers. Part of me hesitated as I gently put the blade against my skin and looked at it.

Trying to live 4

"Are you serious!? Thats crazy are you gonna tell her?" Annabelle said surprised "No Im not gonna fucking tell her wheres the spontanity in that?" She shook her head "Bubba the last thing you need is to be more damn spontanious, when are you going?" More than anything I wanted to say right the fuck now this second but I couldnt. There was too many loose ends that needed tightening before I could go.

Trying to live 3

It was when I was seventeen or so and I dropped out of high school after last year after something happened. Life was getting to be too much for me anymore and I was put on anti depressants. No one around me cared what I was going through especially my parents no one cared what I did or if I needed help. Which to be honest I did need help but I had no support. Just like when I was younger they left me alone and let me do whatever to them I didn't really exist. At that point I had no one to stop me from doing something dumb or to even give a shit if something happened to me.

Trying to live 2

Looking at my sister's place I tried to find out how I was feeling or how I should act. Nothing came to mind right away so I guessed I would find out soon enough when I walked through her door. One thing was for damn sure though I sure as hell wasnt happy or excited about this only because I know how this was gonna go down. Rubbing my face I let out a "Ughh." I made my way to her apartment door and waited for a moment before I decided to kick it with my boot. A few moments passed when I heard my darling sister run to the door with her little feet.

Trying to live 1

One of the last things she said still ran through my head. It was late May and I'd just broken up with my girlfriend of a year. Heartbroken I was moving back north tomorrow. We were sitting on her bed as I packed when she said it “well I guess you're not Ivan anymore Ingrid.” Tears fell from my face how could she say that? Why would she say that to me? She was the one who helped me find myself. Now here she was taking away from me. Over my dead body was I gonna let her do that. Not after all the things she put me through I'll he damned.

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