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As authors, if we are going to be any good, perhaps we learn to sort of "be" other people since we must develop characters as we write a story and most often our stories have more than one person in them. As I have been thinking about this, perhaps lots or even most T folk learn to be more than one person in our real lives and each of them are very real. Then I thought about a police officer who must be an authoritarian figure at work, and when he gets home he is dad, hey you, or some such.
For many years, since 2005 I have been a Muslim woman to most people I know, and a regular woman, or a T woman hoping to pass as a woman to others.
Lately, since I got off the last of the drugs, it has become clear that I haven't been being me. Trying to decide who that is is um "trying" at times. So, two weeks ago, I went grocery shopping as usual and was completely covered save for my hands and face. No drama there right. So yesterday, I went up to the VA to see my shrink on my bike, and wearing a white, long sleeved and hooded mini dress, no wig, no Hijab, and only a helmet on my head. I can safely say that my shrink was surprised but managed to stifle any gasps at first.
On my way out to my bike I stopped by the loo and when I got finished and went to wash my hands, there was this aged tranny that did not pass very well in a dress that was somewhat too thin, with her pink panties clearly showing through. So, perhaps this girl needs to swing back the other way a bit, but not clear to covered Muslima.
Perhaps I'm at an age when a bit of a wig and makeup is no longer optional.
Still working on it.
Gwen
Comments
How Many People Are You?
Gwen,
I realize I may be taking your question out of context, but I feel compelled to answer it.
I have always firmly believed that we are all composed of three people.
1. The person you see yourself as, or the image you project.
2. The person other people see you as, their perception of you.
3. Who you really are.
Most of us live our entire lives somewhere in the middle.
-waif
Be kind to those who are unkind, tolerant toward those who treat you with intolerance, loving to those who withhold their love, and always smile through the pains of life.
Oh, that and more also.
My "hypothesis" might be that trans folk may have personalities that are much more compartmentalized than muggles (so called normal people). My first realization of this idea was in the late 80's when a shrink diagnosed me with Multiple Personality Disorder. Before that I just thought that I was daydreaming at times. I hear that nowadays MPD is not used as a diagnosis and they have moved on to something even more bizarre called Dissociative Identity Disorder and the goal is to get us to blend those personalities into one. Keep in mind that the subject can lead a completely normal life while juggling all this.
Though no one has told me this, I think that cases of GID could be a specific manifestation of DID.
I casually study psychology at a college level, and while some of the classes are very upsetting and I often think the professors are full of it, the subject is still very interesting. If I could set my clock back to 14 years old, still knowing what I do now, I would continue with Orchestra, get into college, avoid the draft, not marry and perhaps simply live a very feminine life.
Actor problems
I've often compared what I do to deal with my gender issues as much the same as what professional actors do in developing a character that they are going to spend a lot of time with. With all the same potential problems.
Growing up and during my Navy years it was mostly me and him... or me and her... depending on which I was expressing. There were skills and activities that we shared, but there were also some that we did not... and I went to great effort not to allow the two 'share' life at the same time. Later, as the internet became a big part of my life, a third 'me' incorporated a lot more of the diverse 'two' ... but there were still things that that version of my identity didn't share with the others.
When I started acting regularly and spent time understanding the techniques and theories, I had to start breaking down the walls a bit because there were things that I needed access to, no matter who I was, and so the three started becoming less distinct and interwoven. But I still have some distinctly different persona that I put forward depending on situation and need. I don't act on stage much these days, but I still make use of the training... and as a result, I think its probably a lot healthier for my psyche.
Blending
You wrote regarding MPD or DID, "...the goal is to get us to blend those personalities into one."
There was a time when I was very active in several TG Yahoo groups and alt.crossdress.*** newsgroups. The chatter back then began to sound as if us T-folk were indeed stricken with MPD. (No DID in those days.) And in my early year trying to deal with my trans nature I can remember thinking, as I washed my hair with Ivory soap, "I'm not like those pseudo men, who wash their hair with frou-frou smelling shampoo. I'm manly washing my hair with Ivory soap," and then getting out of the shower and spending an hour relaxing in frilly dress only to quickly change before my wife came home. In those days, at work, I was a manly man. I worked precast concrete. I weighed 180 lb with a 32 inch waist and a 42 inch chest and 85 inches around the shoulders. When I walked down the street in my neighborhood, the tough guys crossed the street to avoid confronting me.
I indeed kept my feminine self totally separate from my masculine self and no one, no one except my wife knew I had a feminine self. Then came the internet and I discovered the above groups. In a couple of the saner groups, they, then we (because I quickly came on board with the idea) began to council not to build that wall between the two sides of your personality and if it was already there, tear it down and become one, whole person. In short, blend the two sides into one and become unafraid to exhibit that blended personality.
I worked for me. My core personality is androgynous. Mind you there are times when I do buff up the masculine traits, like at work and at family get togethers. But it's only a light polish on them. I still wear women's clothes, albeit masculine cut and I'm still willing to show my softer side, e.g. tears when I'm emotionally touched and I'm willing to talk about my cooking, and my sewing skills, brag on the fact that I made two bridesmaid dresses for my daughter when she was 19 and thoroughly enjoyed the process.
My wife and I get along much better now that she doesn't have to guess which personality she has to deal with. Quite frankly my masculine facade that I paraded around for the world to see back then was a jerk and even more so at home.
Blended is good.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Hey Gwen
Don't we all wish we were 14 or 16 yrs old again. who cares what problems we may have.
Karen
POV
Speak for yourself, Karen!!!!
:P
I am only just beginning to overcome the angst of my teen years.
waif
Be kind to those who are unkind, tolerant toward those who treat you with intolerance, loving to those who withhold their love, and always smile through the pains of life.
The Awful Years
No pity party here, just saying ...
We were dirt poor post WWII poor white trash. Both mother and my stepfather worked very hard all their lives, and with 7 children between them, on a rural farm in Oregon, life was very hard. He was of Amish background and mother was from possibly an offshoot of the Mormon church. In the late 40's I often heard "children are to be seen and not heard" and it took little provocation to get a licking. There was no machinery, the children were it using a horse drawn plow and lots of dynamite to blow stumps and rock to clear land. In that area, at that time, a small town was an hour away, and Portland was 2 hours. All of us children hated each other.
Into that backdrop fell tiny, effeminate Gwen and I was in my Junior year of High School before I weighed 100lbs. I think they gave me Testosterone to jump start my growth but I still only grew to 5'7" and remained very thin. I was never big enough to work with the boys who were all older than me, and when my step sister tried to get me to help her, I was just a snot. My stepfather beat me several nights a week saying he was going to make a man out of me.
Years later, I would find out I am Intersex, though fertile enough to father 2 children. I married the first girl I met out of High School, not out of love but to rescue her from a home where her step brothers were raping her. We used to joke that we rescued each other from hell. Our marriage lasted 39 years, though I knew there was something wrong with me and after we had been married 20 years a counselor told me I was MPD, then another said I was GID. She said I should begin living as a woman and that was back in the late 80's. Being a Christian fundamentalist that was roundly condemned, and I fought all that off until the children were grown and married.
It has been greatly heartening to witness the increasing acceptance for T folk in the last 10 years, especially the last 2 years.
I am me.
I have a simple answer to questions dealing with aspects of my personality. That answer is, "I am me." Whatever side in my personality is being discussed about, that part is still a part of me. Therefore, I am me.