Transition Diary Entry 2 -- Stories

By Asche

June 3, 2016

I was reading (M2F) TG stories again today, they're my comfort food. And I just realized: what I love about them is that, at least by the end, it all works out. Doubts fall away like clothes in a soft-porn video, there's no doubt (to the reader at least) that all obstacles will be overcome, and at the end, the main character is super pretty and super feminine (and has the best boobs around) and knows in her heart of hearts "I really am a girl! I always was a girl, even if I didn't know it (but my mom/sister/grandma/teacher always did.)" And they always get along so great with their moms and do all that mother/daughter bonding and they have female friends who've always known them and are delighted to be their BFFs and help them on their way to True Girlhood.

This is so different from my real life and my real journey (which is more like 40 years wandering in the wilderness.) I can imagine that some trans-ness was already present when I was very young, but I'm never quite certain I'm not just ret-conning trans-ness into my past. (It doesn't help that I can remember almost nothing from before I was 12. Only a few vital statistics.)

And even now, I have frequent periods of being convinced I'm just making it all up and I'm just deluded and asking everyone else to politely go along with my delusion. I do have people who support me and believe in me, but at times I don't believe in me. I grew up without any trust in myself and didn't have anyone else I could trust, either. (It's not like I could look to my emotionally unreliable mother for that "bonding," either, even if she were still alive.) I know that what with transitioning in my 60's, I'll never be pretty, but I'm afraid I'll never look like something even a good imagination could construe as a woman. I'll go to the ladies' room and all they'll see is an ugly man in a dress.

I'm terrified, and all the news stories about people who hate us and want to kill us give me yet another thing for my fear to latch onto.

I'm afraid my life and my transition will be a story nobody would want to post to BigCloset because it's too depressing and won't have a satisfying conclusion, even if I do succeed in transitioning and living for decades as a woman.

I remember Peter Brooke in one of his books describing a play being held in a bombed-out city in Germany right after WWII, when food was hard to come by. One of the actors started describing a feast, listing all the foods that nobody could get because of the war, and the audience was spellbound, transported into a world where their deepest longings would be satisfied.

I think that's why I keep reading these stories: for a moment I can satisfy my deepest longings, even if only in my dreams.