Transition Diary Entry 3 -- Dysphoria

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Transition Diary Entry 3 -- Dysphoria

By Asche

June 12, 2016

Content Note: self-loathing

Yesterday was a bad one. I was in my hotel in Philadelphia, attending the Trans Health Conference, and I woke up at around 3:30 a.m., feeling that I was awful. The thought that kept running around in my brain was: I am a big, ugly troll, and that's all I'll ever be. Transition is a joke (on me.) I have troll's soul in a troll's body. It was like I had looked in the mirror and seen some ugly monster and when I looked inside the ugly troll in the mirror, I saw only an ugly troll soul. And with that came a sense of utter revulsion, like what I saw was disgusting and repulsive with no redeeming feature and there was no hope that anything could change me. In that moment, I wanted to be erased from existence so I wouldn't have to be conscious of my utter repulsiveness, so no one would. I wished there were an active volcano nearby so I could throw myself into it.

I managed to get myself together to go to the conference, but I was an emotional basket case until I found some people who were willing to give me long hugs and let me cry on their shoulders. It didn't cure it, but it did make me feel better. I guess I just need regular doses of hugs until the dysphoria passes. Having things I have to do (like driving home) allows me to ignore the dysphoria for a little while, too. But I'm still feeling dysphoric even now, though not quite as bad as yesterday.

I'm guessing that it was triggered by a session where the presenter had a guided meditation for the cis people in the audience to imagine being the opposite sex and treated as the opposite sex, which I foolishly went along with. I normally am quite good at not seeing myself when I look in the mirror and this exercise got around that defense. I'd also been feeling pretty fragile for a few weeks and almost didn't go to the conference because of it. Also, there were something like 4,000 people at the conference, none of whom I knew or had any connection with, and I find dealing with strangers pretty taxing.

Another factor is that I've gone off antidepressants. One thing I want out of transition, or rather the path I'm taking of which transition is a part, is to be able to feel again, and antidepressants have always made me feel emotionally anaesthetized.

Well, guess what? I'm feeling! (Still haven't learned to let go and have a proper cry, though.)

Comments

I know that feeling well, hon

but you need to remember that feeling is not true. You are a beautiful person, a precious soul.

Big huggles.

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Thank you

Thank you for your replies and your support.

It's hard for me to talk about this stuff because I'm convinced nobody wants to hear it and they'll just put me down for not being perfect and not having it all together. And especially now, when I'm about as far from "put together" as I've ever been in my life.

So thank you again, for listening and for letting me know you don't mind.