I have problems with this statement. "He has serious behavioral issues related to my ex's inability to control him (she can't blame me for this)."

I wonder if others won't have the same problems I have.

How do you know what his issues are related to? How can you say definitively that you have nothing to do with them. . .or your ex's inability to control him?

You sound stereotypical for a divorcee, blaming the ex for the issues of the child. While you may be right, it is unseemly.

Isn't it quite possible your son's issues are unrelated to you and your ex?

If you don't want the world to treat you in a stereotypical manner I suggest you go into this with the ability to see all possibilities.

If you expect your phone call to her will be "confrontational" you would be better off to wait until you are in court -- unless you see advantages for your child in an "informational" discussion with your ex. His problems are paramount.

You need to have clean hands when you go into court. You need to have done what is best for your child and you need to have respected the position of your ex.

Children often act out in divorce situations because it gives them a position of power. You need to take away some of that power by showing him that you're a bigger person than he suspects. Show compassion for your ex no matter what has been done in the past.

From the outside looking in it would appear your ex is quite angry and will try to hurt you in any way she can. Cutting you off from a school district where you sat on the board is a telling blow. Don't sink to her level. The world still has deep seated fears that TG persons are insane. You need to be completely rational and compassionate so that those who are judging you will know those stereotypes are incorrect.

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

I really had no idea that I would transition when my children were young. Every time I thought of it, the horror of not seeing my children just cut off any thinking that way. In my case, my children were all grown, and married before I transitioned, and the idea that I would transition was a complete surprise to me until a week before it happened.

I had some clothing and knew that I wished I was a woman but...

I am very sorry for the horror that you are living now.

Gwen

Unfortunately, dealing with my ex is never easy. At one level, such as when I arrive to collect the children, she's fine. We wouldn't (and didn't) argue in front of the children. She did however willingly discuss the divorce issues in graphic detail with her friends and family while the children were in the room.

I know I wasn't perfect and willingly told the court this the first time we went there, she has never admitted her own flaws, but I have never used them as ammunition, in fact I never derided her in court or elsewhere.

However, when I first suggested coming to an arrangement for access she responded with the most vile allegation, it took a judge to have her stop bringing it up and soured dealings for nearly a year.

What happens now has to be for the benefit of our children, no other outcome is desirable nor acceptable.

I have sent the school's letters to my solicitor and asked that they be included in the papers to be seen by the judge on Thursday morning. I've decided not to bring the subject up with her before the hearing (if she attends, she has no legal rep and hasn't submitted a statement to the court).

However it goes, she's in trouble with the school and potentially with the court. I'll be there, I'll be civil and I'll not ask for the impossible. I do not have to justify my own position, I've already done that, but I have to be rational and truthful. It could be a difficult day.

Topsy

Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Your son's issues have yet been disclosed to you and you are assuming its due to you exes treatment and care.

I went through a divorce after being outed by my ex I was suddenly alone. One thing I will say that no matter what you are 50% responsible for the divorce. Your ex deserves you to be civil with her and she with you. Your children are watching the two people they trusted go at it like children. nice exaple and your sons is now faceing the possibility of being expelled on a permanent basis.

The courts told me I could not present as fmale to my daughter or discuss my transition with my daughter at mey exes and ehr attorneys behest.

I bit the bullet and complied with the court order.

Even after the first year I have always made sure I don't speak ill of my daughters mother. where Ilive the lawyers are child advocates and both parties sign an agreement to obey the rules set forth by the child advocates.

My ex and I talk and we do discuss my daughter.

My ex now lives in North Carolina, my daughter resides with me. even though we have been divorced for 14 yerars adn my daughter is over 21, I still do not speak ill of her mother.

Accept that you are just as much to blame as your ex in the dissolvement of your marriage and you wil find that things are easier to do and you'll not spend a lot of time in court. cooperatioin between the two of you is essential.
Take it from someone who has been there and by doing what I said i have a beautiful relationship with my child.
BE SUPPORTIVE

Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.

I married a woman 20 years ago who was divorced with children. Her ex bad mouthed her to their kids, called her crazy/bi-polar/etc and did many things to try and disrupt our marriage (including false claims to social services). We had a lot of behavior problems with the boys. The girls too, when they got older (11-14).

I found out that many times a child of divorced parents will misbehave because of the divorce - the two people who are suppose to love them and protect them can't get along and they become scared. They often want their parents to get back together and the family to be intact. Unfortunately, this is often not possible. You, or someone else, needs to talk with your son and find out from him what his issues are - they may even be something completely unrelated.

Our relationship with the kids did not heal until my wife got cancer and was told she had 3-6 months to live - she died 4 months later. I now have a good relationship with all the kids.

For the kids sake, both of you need to reinforce love and respect in the kids for each other(you and your ex) - that will help them to feel a bit more stable/safe.

Good luck and best wishes for you, your children, and your ex.

Mark

Some more background ....

My kids have had access to a social worker since Sept '08 (4 months after separation).

She stopped me from seeing them (and, for a while, talking to them) until April/May '09 . I've only had regular contact since Oct '09 after obtaining a court order. At first I wasn't allowed to see them on by own, an affect of the accusation from the previous year (investigated by social services and dismissed very quickly).

My son's problems started after he switched schools at the beginning of year 6. He ignores his mother, she has said (several times now) that she can't control him. The social worker has been told the same. I haven't been able to get close enough to him to ask questions, and that's all I'll do for now. To sort this out I will need everybody's co-operation (his mother, social worker, school, doctor?). The school is where the problem is manifesting itself but that is not the cause.

There's a theory that says I shouldn't be involved as I'm not responsible for his day-to-day life, of course I can't be there daily given my own circumstances. However I am available and I tell my children, and the ex, to contact me if they need to. One of my ex's problems is that either she does not see an issue or she doesn't know how to deal with it. This is probably one of those situations.

I might add that if I was requested, I could be there in 3 hours (fastest by public transport).

My daughter and I have a very good relationship, by the way. She talks to me, tells me her problems and enjoys our time together. No real issues (yet).

 
Topsy
Mostly Harmless

I know from personal experience that children get the worst end of the deal in a divorce. Their sense of security is gone because nothing is like it was before. Your son may figure that the only way he will get the attention of both of you is to act out. The biggest thing that parents can do in a divorce is to keep their own personal issues with each other out of their relationships with their children. They didn't cause this upheaval in their lives. Their parents did. My parents tried to use us against each other in their desire to get even for the hurt that was caused in the breaking up of their marriage. It was always a tug of war trying to determine who would get to spend what holidays with which parent. Since we have became adults, both of my parents come to Thanksgiving at my sister's house. It is really nice that we can at least be together one day without old issues popping up. Your ex needs to realize that her vendetta against you is only hurting your children worse. It is no their fault and they shouldn't have to pay for the mistakes of their parents.

Topsy, I have been reading thru all your postings and wish to say I am very sorry that you are having such a rough time of it regarding your children, your divorce and coming out possibly being the root of it all. All divorces, regardless of the reason(s), when there are children involved and they are of an old enough age to know what is going on, affect the children very negatively because they generally feel (not correctly) that THEY are the cause of it all and that because of that believe they are not wanted. The majority of children wish beyond all hope that their parents will get back together and the family will be as it was. When this fails to occur, they can become withdrawn, "act out", which is what I believe your son is doing school wise; to regain the parents attention and to focus on them, the child(ren). It will most likely take a very good child counselor to reaffirm their "worth" and to show them that they are not the cause, that they are indeed loved by the parents, even tho the parents can no longer live together; and that as things go along, life will get better. I pray that your life, their lives and yes, even your ex's life get better and back to some sort of norm. PEACE be to you all always. Hugs, Janice Lynn