From your recitation, everything the school does is blocked or interfered with by something else the school does. This strikes me as an organization that has rules in order to have rules. Sending a child home for missing a detention so that the child misses two other meetings designed to help the situation strikes me as nonsensical bureaucracy. How much of that sort of thing is going on?

The effect on the child is likely to be an increase in contempt for authority because it is contemptible to whipsaw a child with rules that prevent the child from being helped. Someone at that school needs to understand that this is a person they are dealing with and not just a problem.

Not sure what you can do about it but at this point I would hesitate to take the word of anyone in administration at that school for anything relating to my child. If they cannot manage scheduling of meetings better than that, what else are they incompetent at?

If they knew you were coming and they sent your child home before you got there where you could not get the child's side of things, the obvious inference is that they are manipulating the situation to prevent you from learning something from your child that would put them in a bad light. That may not be true but it is such an obvious thought that they should have considered it before sending your child home. That they seem not to have considered that, to me, shows more incompetence and disregard for your child's welfare.

You came a long way for a meeting and they did things that made it difficult for you to be effective in the situation. The problem here may not be your ex, it may be the school.

Good luck,
And hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Tells me that your son was hurt somehow and that he is lashing out. He could be the subject of bulying or even drugs. Please, look into it.

Stanman May Your Light Forever Shine

—

Stanman May Your Light Forever Shine

School administrator often see their students through preconceptions from their own paths or from some judgemental attitudes about a student's family life, or the student's "seriousness".

I was in the 8th grade when I was started on testosterone to counter gynocomastia and other effects from being born intersexed, and remained on it for 16 months. I gained 63 lbs. and nearly a foot in that 16 months, and had my self image as a developing girl decimated day by day as more and more male features were forced by the T. My grades went from A's and B's to C's and D's, and some of the latter were "gimme's" to pass me on. Rather than trying to find out what was wrong, I was pegged as not being a serious student and was essentially discarded with low expectations of my behavior and my academic ability by teachers and administrators. When we were counseled about future endeavors, my highschool "advisor" said I should not consider college as I did not have the attitude nor the aptitude and study habits to make it through.

It took me a year after rebelling against my parents and their doctor to start making decent grades (I was a senior by then and all my efforts would not bring up my highschool gpa), but my foundation in math was seriously compromised and it took remedial math (as extra classes often putting me taking 18 credit hours and working 1/2 time) in college to bring me to a highschool level.

I was intelligent enough to know that I had been ignored by the people who should have helped. They could have maybe even questioned my parents about my academic slide during the depressive hell that was the wrong hormones. My parents regarded the injections as shameful and never mentioned them, and there were no such things as parent-teacher conferences at that small school in those long ago days. I really didn't think much of them by my senior year, and I have few fond memories of being warehoused there.

I decided I would go to college anyway, graduated with a BS degree with a 3.2 grade point average despite my handicap in math, went through 4 years as an officer in compulsory military service, and finally earned an MA and PhD (while working full time). I have known enough people who became teachers in lower grades and highschool to know that while they may seem nice people, they are chosing the path of least resistance and least competitive options.

While some may be dedicated, the administrators are culled from their ranks by going back to school through the summers for a few years and learning about the paperwork for administration. They are mostly no great shakes as teachers nor as administrators, and do this because administrators are VERY well paid compared to the average teacher.

Well, that is the USA, and you might be somewhere else that might be different, but the truism that "Those that can't do, teach" has a lot of truth to it.

CaroL

My personal solution was to simply quit and leave. I hope your kid has more sense than I did.

Abby

Every time I write something on the subject I miss out what could be key information, my apologies that I've run the issues around my own head so many times ...

The school is convinced he is acting deliberately to exclude himself. He has become abusive in class, two fellow students won't be in the same room as him during registration. He has started bullying.

I am trying to get my ex to confirm what is obvious to me, that others are working on him (mentally not physically). He is the subject of severe peer pressure.

He told the school he wants to go and play, not study. I asked to give him a little leeway so as not to pander to his wishes, they have agreed to help but insist their rules have to stand.

There's no suggestion of drugs but I want a psych review of him, and his mother. I can't do either easily and I won't act illegally.

I actually received mail from my solicitor today, and an invoice (£1200 ugh!) The ex tried to introduce a handwritten note to the court last Thursday suggesting that my son didn't want to see me again. It was not admissible and was disregarded (I wasn't even told about it until today).

The odd thing is I spoke to him on Tues evening on my way home, my mother called him immediately afterwards. He admitted to both of us he was acting in a stupid way (we didn't prompt him, it was spontaneous) and talked freely.

The ex is very easily led, I learned that from 13 years of marriage. Unfortunately she is also blind to what's going on.

One other thing that came from the court papers I received today was a suggestion that I would hurt my daughter and take her away from her home, never to return her.

This is a repeat of an allegation from six months ago. I didn't even need to issue a denial, Social Services and my legal people dealt with it. It's sad that she can think that way.

One of the things that I'm seeing my daughter's school about is her changes in composure and confidence depending on where she is. With me she is vivacious, happy and very trusting. Once I return her home she becomes withdrawn, she's frightened to show me affection in front of her mother. In school she apparently dreads going home and is very insecure.

I'm teaching her to swim in order to boost her confidence (as well as a life skill). This approach is working well, but it's only one small facet and can't improve her outlook overnight and certainly not on its own.

I haven't asked for custody as that would be damaging to all concerned but I have a suspicion that one or both of my children will either elect to live with me, or be placed by social services. I feel it's a question of 'when' not 'if'.

Ultimately, my children are more important to me than anything else. Their mental health is suffering due to issues that have not been fully identified (I have my suspicions), it could be only a matter of time before their physical health suffers. I am worried.

 
Topsy

Obviously I don't know the specific details of Topsy's children, or the policies of her school, but here's a bit of general background on the subject from the (secondary) schools I have been involved with:

First resort is usually a ½hr lunchtime detention. These usually require 24hrs notice, as the form is initially sent to the school office to be recorded on SIMS (School Information Management System) before being sent to the form tutor to hand out at morning registration. The pupil is supposed to head to the detention location as soon as the bell goes. Some schools send one of the SMT (Senior Management Team) or the HoY (Head of Year) around just before the bell to 'mop up' the pupils to prevent them 'forgetting'.

If lunchtime detentions don't work, then the school may progress to an after school detention. These are often done with 48hrs notice, as some schools will post the detention notification to the parents (as they can't always rely on the pupils to pass the message on!) Parents have to be notified so alternative arrangements for transport home can be made (this is particularly so for rural schools, where the scheduled buses often leave within 10 minutes of the after school bell, and the next service about an hour later).

The last step before a fixed period exclusion is usually a period of isolation - the terminology varies, but they will spend a few days in a spare classroom, supervised by learning support assistants on a rotation basis when they're not supporting SEN pupils.