I want to just curl up and cry right now. I'm sorry. I know I said I wasn't going to post another blog so soon, but I need this. God, I need this.
Coming back to the top here to say, I changed the rating because of language. I don't regret what I said. I needed to say it. Just a fair warning in advance because Zoe's PMSing in overdrive.
I haven't slept since I e-mailed Mr. H. back. In my letter, I told him everything. I told him things that I've posted here in the past, and I've told him things that I have never told another living soul, including an incident of severe emotional abuse that I believe has a lot to do with my current mental state.
I feel like I'm goddamned going around in circles here and I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and hide away from the world. Moreso than I already do.
I went for a long walk this morning, thinking it would clear my head. I had a long talk with God. He didn't have much to say, or maybe I'm just too damned angry to listen right now. I don't know.
But I've gone through this so many times before, and I don't want to go through it again.
I already can feel myself receding back into survival mode/damage control, and for the first time, I find myself NOT wanting to go to that safe place. I want to feel what I'm feeling because I want to face it head-on and deal with it, but it just hurts so much.
I had a nice little run-in with my parents before I went for a walk. My mom either has the flu, or a really, really nasty cold (She came home sick at noon and she's been in bed ever since).
When I deal with them, it's basically a case of throwing on a mask and pretending I don't give a damn. I hate that I have to do that, but it's just gotten to that point with them and my trust of them (Or lack thereof). I love them to death, but I cannot talk to them about anything.
The thing I'm struggling with is... I just don't know anymore. Like I said, talking with Mr. H. brought up a lot of issues for me. It opened a floodgate, and I just feel so... I don't know. The fact that I feel anything at all is kind of the whole point.
I fell into a rut for so long of just keeping myself at neutral, never too happy for too long, but never all that sad either. Sedintary. Survival mode.
Now all of a sudden I'm facing issues I thought I had resolved months ago. I always think I resolved them. Then the little fuckers rear their heads again and I start the cycle all over again. GAH!
Okay, let's just lay it out here. If I sound angry, it's because I am. I'm sad, and I'm pissed, and I think I'm PMSing >_>
I tried to go to sleep last night. I tried really hard, and even thought about a sleep aid. I just wanted my brain to shut up for awhile and leave me alone, but I kept thinking about what I'd said to Mr. H.
I thought about how so many nights when I was little, I'd wish I was born a girl, and then I started to explore that thought for the first time. I started to ask myself WHY I wished I was born a girl.
Frankly I don't have a good answer for that. The only one I can honestly come up with is that if I had been, then I wouldn't be dealing with this.
But then there's this other little voice that's telling me that if there were some magical cure out there, that maybe if God would just take away these feelings, then that would work just as well.
I completely lost all track of time walking today because of this back-and-forth.
The worst of it is that I don't think I feel like a woman. I sure as Hell do not feel like a man. I'm somewhere in between, but I like feminine things. I was always the person other people turn to for advice. In high school, I thought I wanted to be a counselor just so I could help other people.
And then after the incident of extended emotional abuse when I was 17 I stopped wanting to help people.
It's all just one big goddamned confusing ball of I-don't-know-what anymore, and it's driving me insane.
I find myself not wanting to go to sleep now because I'm afraid that if I do, I'll slip back into neutral and just forget this incident ever happened, just like I've done hundreds of times before.
I just... I don't fucking know anymore. I don't know up from bacon or down from crochet.
I mean, there's an old saying. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and has feathers like a duck, it's a damn duck.
I look at everything around me right now. I have half a dozen indian princess pictures around here. My XBoxLive avatar was a cute little semi-sophisticated girl with glasses until I changed her over to her cheerleader style last night.
I own more pairs of heels than I do sneakers, and my favorite pair of shoes are my oxford casuals. Shoes are my vice.
In every form of video game I've ever played, I gravitate toward female characters naturally. Online, unless I explicitly state my birth gender, I'm constantly mistaken for female.
Offline, I could rattle off a dozen times right from memory that I've been called Miss, Ma'am, or in a group, "ladies".
So why the hell can't I come to terms with this? Why do I feel the need to question and doubt it adamantly, and deny it so absolutely strongly?
... Sorry. I'm done now >_< Going to do some light reading here, try and take my mind off things...