every bloody day is Halloween for me

Printer-friendly version

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Sometimes, it feels like every bloody day is Halloween for me. I am forced to wear a costume and a mask each and every day. Some days that's okay. I find within me enough masculinity to keep up appearances, and I play my role well. Other days, that mask gets uncomfortable, that costume difficult, and it's all I can do to endure, and pray that someday I will be permitted to be free. Ah, well.

Comments

I'm Confused

Halloween is just one of the greatest days. It seems so strange to me to read about someone who thinks having Halloween every day of the year would be bad.

Seriously, do you have anyone you can talk to about how you feel? Your comments don't sound healthy. From what I've read of your blogs and stories you seem like a pretty nice person. I can't imagine why you have so much self-loathing.

You seem eager to embrace your feminine side more fully. Is it possible that one way to effectively do that would be to start by accepting your masculine side so that your total person can grow? Sort of like getting a larger feminine slice of a bigger "you" pie.

You are who you are. That is a two-way street. When you're a Jet you're a Jet all the way. Tearing down your masculine side will not build your feminine side. . .unless I'm really missing something. Do something nice for your masculine side today. Get a haircut. Buy a new shirt. Get in a good workout. Perhaps if you nurture yourself the simple act of nurturing will feed your feminine side.

Make a list of all the truly feminine attributes you have that aren't physical. You might be surprised at how many yummy, female traits you possess that can flourish . . . no matter what exterior you have on your ego.

I would imagine that the majority of people on this site can relate to your problems and work through similar problems every day. You're not remotely alone. Millions of similar people are finding answers for their gender dilemmas. Sometimes we tend to focus on those who can't resolve their situations, who end up in the news. That's a little like saying everyone meets their monthly financial needs by holding up a bank.

Don't make the mistake of thinking the average opinion expressed on BC is anywheres near average for people with gender dysphoria. Many of the people on BC are writers who tend to be drama queens. It's what they do. It's what I do. Our lives would be just as melodramatic if we weren't TG.

Find a way to love yourself -- it helps those around you want to love you.

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

I am unaware as to whether it will help, but.

All people wear masks and costumes. They are the lies we present to others' eyes every day. You put a cheerful mask on, despite the fact that your father just passed away, or your cat was eaten by a rabid wolverine. You put on the mask of sympathy, despite feeling that the person in question is simply reaping what they sowed. You laugh at jokes that aren't amusing. You wear clothing to show that you're a wealthy individual that works in a bank - despite just being a teller. You buy clothing that shows that you've spent a lot of time in them, despite their being pre-stressed. We wear t-shirts of places we have never been to, or products we have never tried - and often don't want to.

You, and many others here, are simply dealing with a mask that is much more difficult, and often painful, to put on, and that you want to take off as quickly as possible each day.


I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

Dorothy, since it's

Dorothy, since it's halloween you could tell people you're Scottish and wear a kilt to work. No makeup, but at least you'd be wearing a skirt. People could think it's a costume, but the reality would be that for once you weren't wearing a costume... not that you'd have to tell them.

Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue

Actually, I do understand

Actually, I do understand what Dorothy is feeling. I too lived behind a mask, a facade, that represented the boy and man my parents and relatives expected. As long as I didn't let anyone get very close, I could maintain that facade pretty well, but many times it was a chore. I lived with friends and family held at arms length for the most part, and never opened up like others could. I wouldn't drink as I feared I would blurt out how I felt to just anyone if I was drunk or stoned, and I couldn't. I didn't have the outlet of the net, I didn't have books or other resources until I was 26 and found the Transsexual Phenomenon. (No, not true, I met a TS in a way during an interview by students in a class while getting my first degree. Her story scared the beJesus out of me, as she had been committed to an asylum by her parents, had electro shock and drugs until she knew she would die unless she could finese' them. She did, got released, sold all she could get her hands on, and left California, the money running out in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Low paying jobs and bit of luck, and she went for surgery in Morocco 10 years later.) There were many times I was depressed, suicidal even, but still put on that facade with my clothes every day and added the joker, smiling face that hid so damn much. I didn't like confrontation and fights, and I could defuse situations with the jokes and smiles and if nothing else walk away if someone was being a super asshole. I lived like that from the time I was 10 until I finally faced the fact that I was going to die not only unfulfilled, but early and by my own hand. I was 60 then. And I had tried to off myself a total of 4 times since I was 15.

I understand what Dorothy is feeling. Only 6 years ago I was feeling the same damn way. Every Halloween I would think about getting clothes and getting dressed with that as an excuse, but also felt it would be unstoppering the genie's bottle and knew it would not go back in. There was no grace of God to depend on, no magical Fairy Godmother, just one plodding day after another. And so I would continue to look at the world through a mask of NOT ME every damn day, only relaxing from it at night when I could be alone with myself and often cry myself to sleep and wake with a we pillow almost every morning, and even then I often pursued hobbies I could use to avoid facing myself, or read to place myself into a person other than me. Every day was an unfulfilled Halloween. It was a life I mostly hated, though there were times I could find some happiness, some pleasure in achievement, or relaxation with friends. I do so well understand.

CaroL

CaroL

Deprivation

When we want something and we know it is going to be good for us some of us have stigmas from our youth and we deprive ourselves of the pleasures we deserve.
I read those symptoms from your blogs.

In a class I took several years ago the instructor began with "There are no wrong answers" an enlightening statement. I was going back and forth with the decision to transition afraid of what people will say, stigma was keeping me from realizing my own personal goal. Once I heard that statement I realized it also pertained to life.

I still have stigmas to overcome but I transitioned in 2006 permanently instead of riding the fence.

I walk with out doubt have flown across the country, been to Texas and live in a place where they are very archiac about black and white, grey is not an option. I really don't care how others think about me its not my problem its theirs.

I do my best to be as feminine as possible and unless you know me personally you would not know I was at one time a male.

People can make suggestions but its really up to you. Lamenting about your situation just fortifies your self deprivation.

I use this quite abit."Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind." and I have a newer one "Sincere Uncritical Acceptance."

Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.

Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.