I am fundamentally flawed

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I really wanted to wait before I posted this until I understood it myself, but that is probably never going to happen. I don't think I have the mental capacity to wrap my brain around the issue and part of me is hoping that as a collective group we can come up with at least some theories why I am so fucking worthless that I deserve all the shit that comes my way.

I have an issue. It is a rather big issue that pervades every aspect of my life. I want to be abused. I'm not talking about abused in some sort of mutual S&M or BDSM kind of way, in fact, both of those are off the table. I want to be abused in the way where I have fantasies of being hurt. Like wishing I would get attacked by a gang or raped or hung or shot or have a big light post fall on me. It doesn't matter how, I guess, as long as their is pain involved.

Not only do I want to be abused. I expect it. I expect people to think the worst of me. I expect people are pretending to be my friend because they want to take advantage of me at a later date. I wait for the slight, for the put down, for someone to tell me how terrible a person I really am.

I also want to punish myself. I am constantly putting myself down and not taking care of myself (makes for some good self fulfilling prophecy). It is in interesting mix. Knowing I have talent, but belittling it. I know I'm not a popular author on this site, but I do tell wonderful stories with complexity and depth that a lot of other offerings are lacking (please don't feel this is a put down on other people's writing, it's not meant to be, it is solely an observation). I understand why I am not popular in my writing, and if I am honest, it is not because I suck at what I do, but because to read one of my "REAL" stories takes commitment and emotional sacrifice that those looking for escapism aren't going to find. I won two national championships in wrestling, but tell myself that I won only because I was at a small school and didn't wrestle division I. I have a degree but tell myself that all you had to do to pass class was show up. I am constantly doing things like that. I call myself a fucking moron or an idiot if I forget to throw a paper and have to back my van up to get them.

So what does this have to do with BC. I will tell you. I am beginning to wonder if me being trans has nothing to do with a desire to become a woman and everything to do with me wanting to punish myself. Isn't it the ultimate insult to any man to be emasculated.

I need to get a hold of this before I die sometime soon. I am lonely and bitter and hateful. I don't want to be those things. But, I think the main thing is, I am afraid. Afraid that one day I will die alone in my house and it would take months before anyone realized. Afraid that outside of a few people wondering where did Little Katie go, I won't be missed at all. Afraid that I have passed that point where you can't go back and make everything better. But, most of all, I'm afraid that if I allow myself to get close to others, I will be hurt anyway. It is one of those strange paradoxes. I want to be hurt on my own terms, when I am prepared for it, not when I am vulnerable.

Everything I write is much too long, thanks for sticking with me. I'm going to cry in the corner and reload the page every 20 seconds and complain at the lack of comments because it fuels this idiocy.

Comments

I suspect...

...that your feelings are related to what you've experienced of life so far (from what glimpses we've had of it) - particularly in relation to your experiences at the sharp end of the (in)justice system. Even without the gender factor complicating matters further, life's dealt you a raw deal, and it's become a kind of normality for you - so it's not surprising it's part of your mindset. Getting out of that mindset will undoubtedly be tough - off the top of my head, perhaps take the proverbial baby steps, defining SMART goals (can be translated various ways all meaning roughly the same: specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-limited), no matter how small (even something as banal as successfully completing a paper round, since you have to collect the papers, visit each of the properties, deposit the newspapers in an appropriate location at each property then get back home before the end of the night).


As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!

YIKES ! Talk about self doubt feeding in on its self

You are right to have doubts about your future and your transitioning or not Katie.

Choosing to transition or to not is a huge life altering step or series of steps.

EVERYONE has doubts, sometimes about the most trivial of things. Your doubts involve SERIOUS decisions so are to be expected. The question is do you deal with them and move on or let them rule you?

You can fix what you can but there are some things you can't fix.

Don't beat yourself up over what you can't change.

Take some pride in improving on/fixing what you can.

Make your late aunt proud. Ignore the doubts planted in your head by your less than loving mother.

Ask yourself, are my doubts grounded in reality? Or are they due more to my unhappy past and the abuse others have shown me?

The holiday season is said to be stressful and a time of increased depression and worse. Rejoice in what good things you have in your life. Rejoice in the opportunities the future may bring. Learn from the past, the good and the bad of it, but don't let it rule you.

Jesse, I sound like some *B* movie Freudian doctor here, don't I?

The point is, you ARE valued Katie.

If you need help, get it. You need not feel alone.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

You're smarter than you think you are

K,T.,

Someone without " the mental capacity to wrap my brain around the issue" would not be questioning her abilities. You are much smarter and more caring than you think you are. Just reading your stories, and comments shows me that in spades.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, and if it won't offend you, I'll pray for you.

Liz

Smile

Hey Katie don't beat yourself up you seem to have the issue on a reacuuring bases every couple of months.
Life is going smooth for you from what I can read on your blogs so have a good holiday season. the only bad thing is being by yourself when you get home in the morning and start to think about what if. Just smile have a hot chocolate(chocolate a girls best friend)play with your pussies and go to bed
BIG HUG :-) RICHIE2

I'm flawed too

In fact, I'm willing to bet everyone is, to one extent or another. I dont know what resources for help are available to you, but I would encourage you to seek them out, and try and drown out the negative stuff by repeating the positive.

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I am not a doctor,

a psychiatrist or a counselor, but I have a feeling that you could really benefit from counseling and, very possibly,something chemical to help with this obsessive desire for abuse.

As far as the trans issue goes, I think that you are looking at it backwards. Rather than wanting to be trans so that you can suffer more abuse, your desire for abuse seizes on your honest trans desires to make it easy for you to legitimize that desire for abuse.

And please know that we do care about you here.

SuZie

SuZie

counceling

I have told this to my therapist and she has two weeks to come up with a way to fix me :) (That's a joke)

I won't touch anything chemical. Last time I was put on prozac and effexor I became myopic, beat my legs until they were so bruised that I could barely walk, choked myself to unconsciousness in the shower (found out you can't kill yourself that way) and tried to hang myself with a belt before being put on suicide watch (which sucks very much badly) where they put me on zyprexa which made me high. I took myself off of all the meds and at least haven't acted on the thoughts.

Katie Leone (Katie-Leone.com)

Writing is what you do when you put pen to paper, being an author is what you do when you bring words to life

K.T. Leone is a most wonderful soul

who has been hurt by others. You need the loving support of friends who you can trust. Then you will know how special you are.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine