I'm trying to learn love. I don't think I've ever felt before and I don't think anyone has ever given it to me . what? passed for love in my family was nothing more than manipulation. It is hard for me to comprehend that someone can show me love without expecting something in return. I apologize for all those who are bearing with me as I learn . Just so you know I'm trying my best.
Here is my concern. I am in a relationship like I have never been in before. First off, I've never been the girl. But, to be honest, I haven't had success in a relationship where I have been the guy. In college I dated a girl, got engaged after a few months and broke up soon after. I was at a strict Christian college so we didn't even hold hands (not even once). The other (yes, only 2) was purely sexual with a person I really couldn't stand. Outside of that, I had a few one night stands. So, now here I am with Felix. He treats me good, tells me he won't abandon me, and we talk through a lot of issues. He doesn't push me into anything sexual, which is good. The fact that he is f2m and I am m2f means we have some common ground. We are feeling our way around certain things but it has been good.
However. I really don't know what love is. Am I in love with Felix? Or am I in love with the idea of being in love? This concerns me because Felix is such a great guy. I think I'm in love with him, but I have nothing to base it on. I want to be with him. I miss him when he isn't in my presence. I like being vulnerable around him (poor guy has seen me cry at this stupidest stuff, the latest was sunday night when I played Somewhere Out There, I wanted it to be a romantic moment, tell him that he was my somewhere out there, but I wound up bawling like a baby). But how do I know if this is love? Is there a sign to look for? A test? I don't want to be hurt, but more importantly I don't want to hurt him. It often surprises me that he is in my life. It surprises me that I'm in a relationship with an f2m. I am so confused. Am I in love, or am I tired of being alone? I have dreams. Dreams I never thought I was allowed to even have. I picked out a wedding dress. I want him to propose. He calls me his partner, but I don't even know what that means.
Confused in Tampa.