Was my Hijab, I was able to slink in the shadows and hunt in the dark always keeping out of sight wearing shapeless clothing that camouflaged my body shape hiding who I was from the world, and my self. For me I drove me into a dark corner of my self where I existed denying my self life.

In embracing my self I did not louse who I was I accepted the entirety of my self, I took off my mask and stopped hiding. I still love my running in the world quietly moving with out rippling others paths but I am free to be me. I approach life on my own terms as much as I can. It is not perfect but it works for me. May be you need to cut your self a break and not measure your self on such a harsh ruler. Your a good writer and from every contact I have had with you you have shown your self to be a quality person, the biggest set back I see from the outside looking in is your poor vision of your self.

From the been there did that, school of experience I feel your self image needs a bit of updating. As a women you see your self and your appearance through the cultural eyes of where you are raised. And like other women the standards you are trying to measure up to fit only 1 % or less of the human population. The rest of us just do not make it. But looking at the male population in general they have nothing to judge us over as they fall way short of there inflationary opinion of them selves. My advice is learn to relax and love your self more as you are perfect as you are just the way the Creator made you and they do not make junk.

Love and huggles to a fantastic person
Michele Whitewolf

Gwen, I'm afraid you'll have to stand your ground at some point and stop people trying to use you as a stalking horse to address their own agendas.

What you are seeking is stealth and a peaceful life and yet you have a deep need for companionship and acceptance. Looking for acceptance amongst organised groups is placing yourself at the mercy of such groups because they expect all group members to conform to their norms (more or less) and they will instinctively try to achieve that conformity even if it means moving some way towards your norms. If you look for acceptance from a conventional, organised group you are putting yourself in a contradiction because your condition is still rare (transgenderism, and always will be. Consequently, it is almost impossible to conform and precipitate acceptance through that conformity.

You, like the rest of us here on BC, will always be 'different' by the very nature of your gender circumstances and indeed, the only place where you can hope to find a supportive, acceptance with no strings attached is amongst your own. Furthermore, because those differences are as much 'in your head' as anywhere the cerebral connections to your sisters via the internet can be constructive and supportive.

I suspect your need for companionship however is far from cerebral insofar as you want a physical relationship but not necessarily a sexual one although that might work as well if you ever find the right partner.

I'm afraid Gwen that you have a long row to hoe and the only advice I can give is to be wary of organised faiths. They have their place but you must lot allow them to dominate your life for that way lies unhappiness and despair. The situation you described to me can be turned around to your advantage insofar as once you get your message across about your own personal feelings concerning stalking horses, you will reinforce your acceptance through your clear demonstration of your individuality and independence when you choose to indulge it.

Good luck on your journey, I'll always be here for you unless I 'pop-my-clogs' (die.)

Hugs.

Bevs.

...there are some in your community / church that are LGBT supportive but want to use you as a spokesperson, perhaps try attempting to impress upon them that while your personality is not conducive to having the proverbial spotlight shone on you (not to mention you'd prefer to blend in rather than have attention - of either the seemingly positive or outright negative kind), you could perhaps help with any research they want to do for their own campaigns (after all, you don't need to be LGBT [or any of the other acronyms occasionally appended to that sequence] to support the cause!) as long as you're "back office" / "behind the scenes" rather than up front on stage.

As you've already noted, attitudes of individuals / groups (e.g. congregations) / organisations (e.g. LDS) don't change overnight, and quite often actions (e.g. blending in and behaving like A. N. Other Ordinary Person) over a period of time speak louder than words. After all, if someone's in a conversation about T*, what better recommendation than to hear something along the lines of they know one and she's perfectly ordinary / normal / harmless / indistinguishable in attitude / behaviour / mannerisms from anyone who'd been born with a pair of X chromosomes.