I phoned the doctor's office about the stuff they were supposed to send to the gender specialist, and they dont have any record of the stuff at all.

Dark, Darker, Darkest?

That seems to be where my muse is coming from at the moment, with 3 ideas in my head that seem to range from dark, to darker, to darkest.

Ah, well.

I just got back from the gender specialist, and while everything else is go, they never received from my family doctor the results of my physical.

I

AM

NOT

HAPPY

I see the gender doc tomorrow, and for some reason, I'm nervous.

I've had a few people compliment me on my transition, calling me "brave", and it got me thinking - Am I actually being brave, doing this?

Finding the positive:

Here is my day, with a positive spin.

I worked very hard last night at work (I have a job, and they dont care if I'm transitioning)

"The Echo chamber"

I went to pick up my daughter today, and stopped to grab a paper at a local convenience store.

Right now, I'm in manic mode, and you'd think that would be good news compared to being depressed, and there are some benefits to it, but there are risks too.

A couple of nights ago, I was talking at work about my lack of tolerance for alcohol, and said I had only tried it twice.

Well, after I vented here, I decided that I wanted to start to figure out how I could break my mood, and I started with reading a very funny book while waiting for Sam to get off the bus.

Last night, my daughter couldn't find the little communication book she's supposed to bring home from school, but didnt admit it until we were picking up her mother.

Well, I picked up my daughter today, and she was all excited about learning how to make a cake in her cooking class.

I said, "If only you were as pumped about learning multiplication"

When I was a teen, I started thinking about writing stories, and had a couple of ideas that I fooled around with. Never really took them seriously, so they went away, came back, and went away again.

Well, last night I managed to have a serious brain fart that's going to have me eating crow for a while.

When I had applied to work at Wal-Mart, I had sent applications to all the locations in Edmonton and area, and it was the St. Albert location that called me, interviewed me, and hired me.

Well, last night I got to work a little early, and there was a teen girl who works as a cashier on the evening shift in the back on a break who decided completely out of the blue that I was just the right person to ask for advice about a boy at school.

I listened, and thought, and then gave her my advice:

Be yourself.

Be awesome, be real, be smart, be goofy, be nerdy, be super feminine or a tomboy when the mood strikes you.

Dont try and impress him.Try and impress yourself.

Dont be afraid to take the first move but be prepared that he could reject you.

Be okay with that.

Got a couple of compliments last night at work on my pretty new earrings, and I didnt do what I used to do - deflect them, instead I just thanked the people making them.

Its nice to be complimented, but its even nicer to be able to take a compliment and not immediately think of reasons why it cant be true.

Another step forward, I think.

Well, last night I was very sick and called it in at work so I could stay home. Now I almost wish I had gone to work instead, because last night I had nasty nightmares of losing my daughter.

In both dreams, she ran ahead of me in circumstances where I couldnt immediately follow, and I was left running around unfamiliar places trying to find her, and failing.

I know its just dreams, but it really shook me up, and the further into this transition I go, the more likely it seems that they will come true in a way.

I just finished writing a story in which a slightly fictionalized version of me goes back to her hometown to re-connect with the people she left behind, and to lay ghosts to rest.

In the process, as I wrote a scene where she reconciled with her step-father, I felt a weight lift from me, as if I had managed to do the same in real life.

Maybe it was just fiction, but somehow, it felt like I actually accomplished something.

Make of that what you will.

Just posted this on facebook where my sister-in-law follows my post:

If you are one of the people who are either conflicted or opposed to my transition, I'd like to tell you a few things.

First, Bless you.

You could have easily decided to just cut me out, have nothing more to do with me, but you're sticking around, and that's an amazing thing.

I'm going to assume you care, or you'd be gone, so let me try to explain the biggest thing about this transition.

I'm a better person for doing this.

Well, this Saturday I went to a pot-luck, and the host had a little gift for me - a new set of earrings. So now, instead of wearing studs, I'm wearing a pretty set of earrings that have a heart-shaped stone.

Looks and feels good, you know?

Snap, crackle and pop may be good sounds to hear in your breakfast cereal, but not so much when its your body making it.

Yesterday, I noticed that my left shoulder makes some ugly noises when I try and rotate the arm, and things only seemed to spread from there.

First it went to my neck, actually causing me pain when I tried to stretch at work, and then my knees started doing it too, almost blinding me with pain.

Thank God for painkillers, but I'd prefer to have not too many days like that if there is a better choice.

Ah, well.

Well, last night we had a new manager (dont know it this is a permanent thing or temporary) and I managed to make a good impression with my speed, my flexibility,, and my willingness to jump in wherever needed.

Then this afternoon I overslept and had to really hurry to get to pick up Sam on time and not ONCE did I berate myself, which would be the norm before. Instead I just did my best, and she was there just before I got there and everything was fine.

I think I'm starting to get some traction, and its all due to liking the person I see in the mirror, both physically and otherwise.

Went out for coffee with a friend yesterday, and caught sight of a pretty woman while outside looking in.

Then realized, the pretty woman was me.

I looked good.

When the heck did that happen? When did I start looking so good?

I've even noticed my walk is more feminine now, and its not like I spend a lot of time practising. It just ... happened.

I dont think I've ever been happier, and it wouldn't have happened without the amazing support I've recieved from "team Dorothy."

Thank you. Thanks and beyond thanks.

I kinda need advice right now.

See, since all the recent flashbacks, I uncovered some new memories, and now I have this urge to tell them to someone, as a way of getting them out.

But I'm not sure about publishing them here, as many people have had enough of their own nightmares that they dont need mine as well.

Would you recommend publishing, or not?

Last night when I got to work, I noticed a dispenser beside the gumball machines with the logo "Trendy girl" on it, and since whatever it sold only cost a 2 dollar coin, I figured what the heck.

It was a pair of fishnet style fingerless gloves.

So before work, I decide to put them on, and I had a reaction I dont get very often.

I

Felt

Sexy.

My self-confidence rose, my tiredness lifted, and generally it was an amazing boost, which I really needed after spending dinner at my brother's place and have to listen to my family use male pronouns for me ....

Ah, well.

That was the verdict of a co-worker, adding that trying to go back to being male would be "living a lie" for me.

So why is that a big deal? The co-worker in question is a high-functioning autistic person and pretty much incapable of lying, so that's her true opinion, not because she wants to make me feel good or anything.

Nice to get that kind of recognition, you know?

Had a bit of a tough moment today, where all the stress of my mom's job, our potentially losing this place, and a realization that I might just possibly be attracted to men all hit me at the same time.

Fortunately, Tels was there to talk to me on the phone, and she recommended I get up off the couch where I had been huddling, stand up, and walk with one foot right in front of the other, tightrope style.

It helped.

I just got back from going out for breakfast with my mom, and it was a strange experience. Our server was not only a cheerful and talkative young lady, she seemed to want to touch me as often as she could - rubbing my back, my arm, and once actually sitting in the booth beside me.

I have no idea why.

Otherwise, it was an okay day, I got my blood work done, so that's one more step taken care of.

Each step, even a baby one, is a good one, I think.