TopShelf Blogs

is it enough?

so for arguments sake, let's say we somehow have discovered a way to reset someone's age, back to childhood and maybe even play with gender a little.

Now, let's say that someone has personally and deeply harmed you, use your imagination. I'm not sure what each individual would constitute a great injury but let's say it's something deeply personal and wounding.

Would you be satisfied with this person's life being started over and them being re-raised as a child? So they don't make the same mistakes or decisions in the future? Or would you want more punishment added?

Question re. the COGIATI test.

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Tried to find this question in the forums but failed. I am thinking of making use of the COGIATI test in my newest story, which takes place in the 1980s. The character begins to question himself at the home of a friend whose father is a therapist. As an easy first step, the father digs a copy of the test out of his... desk or book from his shelves or whatever. But I would like to know if the COGIATI test existed that early. I don't mind "bending the rules" to make a story work, but this would be a bit of a strain on credibility. Thank you!


Mental health update

So as everyone probably remembers the last blog post I did was a real hard one for me to write and I've gone to a few doctors over the last few days and had tests done and had a psychological examination done. The test results came back today and let's just say I thank whoever told me to have tests done in my last blog post I would never have found out that I am Anemic and that my vitamin levels were dangerously high. When the doctor called me I was shocked to hear what I did.

Breaking News: The N.B.A. has pulled its 2017 All-Star Game from Charlotte in response to North Carolina's transgender bathroom law

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NBA pulls All-Star Game in North Carolina over LGBT law controversy

By Nick Gass

The National Basketball Association is pulling the 2017 All-Star Game from Charlotte, North Carolina, after the state passed a law banning anti-discrimination protections for LGBT people and did not move to moderate or repeal it, the league announced Thursday.

Cavendish quits Tour de France to focus on Rio

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AFP•Jul 19, 2016 2:09 PM

British cyclist Mark Cavendish, pictured on July 16, 2016, will not be starting stage 17 of the Tour de France on Wednesday, finishing his run at the race this year with four stages won

View photos

British cyclist Mark Cavendish, pictured on July 16, 2016, will not be starting stage 17 of the Tour de France on Wednesday, finishing his run at the race this year with four stages won (AFP Photo/Lionel Bonaventure)

NEW shadowsblade is up!

Well its done and its a LONG! one!

in this one Rohanna get hurt even more? but forgiveness is the last word!

Hey this one took time...I had lots of work to do and typing at the end of a long day of doing wiring was near out! As my hands hurt bad from a long day of that!

but have at it!

You've Gotta Have Heart!

According to a study I once read, about 60% of U.S. citizens donate money once a month -- about 75% in UK.

"Bike" enjoys about 600 hits a day. If 10% of BC's consistent readers are "Bike" enthusiasts that would indicate about 6,000 consistent users.

If 65% of those donated to BC that would be almost 4,000 donors per month.

Erin struggles to generate $2,500 in monthly donations.

If those 4,000 donors were to contribute just seventy cents each, the monthly nut would be met.

So why isn't that happening?

back to working on Mercy

Well for those who haven't yet lost patience with me in regards to my story "Mercy", I have good news - I've started working a bit on the next chapter.

Will still probably be a while in coming, I cant spend a lot of time writing, as I have packing to do yet for this move, but at least I am not totally blocked on the story any more.

I also wanted to thank everybody who took the time to send some huggles to Drea, it sounds like they helped a bit.

Huggles to all !

Thankful for this site.

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I'll just be straightforward about this. I am alive because those at this site gave me a friendly place to come to pour out my heart, to cry and to become sufficiently distracted to stop actively thinking of killing myself. I was invited to come sometime in 2007, but had been lurking on this and other sites for year. My transition was so painful, like it is with most of us due to those here, I am alive.

No fooling here folks, the site has grown so much that I would not even want to think about it.

I've been a busy girl today

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Well, I was a busy girl today.

I got my change of address done on my licence

I got my registration for my car renewed

I got a hold of my insurance company and gave them my new address

I'm doing my laundry

and I did a bottle run

so yay for accomplishing things!

Gifts for the Hatbox Needed Now


Bills have taken the bank accounts down to almost zero and there are more bills coming. Please, if you can, send us a gift to help us keep operating BigCloset and the other sites we host and help maintain for the community. Thanks.

Here's the usual info:

Use this link to send us a gift:

One-Time Gift


Use this link to subscribe through the Hatbox Membership page:


Checks can be made out & sent to:
Janglewood LLC
602 Higgins Ave
Suite 1 #283
Brielle, NJ 08730

Thank You

Ending a story

So, I have a lot of ideas that pop into my head. The majority are silly or have no future, but for the handful of ideas that have some potential, I never seem to be able to bring them to an end or find an ending that satisfies me. Feedback? ideas? I recognize i'm far from skilled and bow to the superiority of those who surround me.

The Highlife and the TdF

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Friday was spent in transit to Switzerland, the transit bit not helped by road works on the M3 and poor sign posting, however I managed to find the car park and get myself to Gatwick where the usual two hours of boredom became three as my plane was delayed, according to QueasyJet, by the atrocity in Nice, the night before. Anyway, my broomstick finally landed at Basel and eventually I found the right exit where mine host was patiently waiting. The traffic to Bern was not helpful but we got there in time for lasagne - a favourite of mine.


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Yup, the Manx Missile has claimed his 30th tdf stage - by an emphatic mile too! He might be letting Sagan wear the green jersey but it will be Cav they talk about in years to come when sprints are discussed.

There are two more sprint stages - I certainly wouldn't bet against him!

At this point I must apologise - due to impending weather conditions i've moved my training camp up a day so I go tomorrow. The knock on effect is that the next Gaby chapter won't now be posted until Wednesday.

New Book Up on Amazon Kindle - Reverse Twist.

Book number 53 is now up - Reverse Twist... It is a sci-fi - Book 2 in the Natasha Mackay Chronicles.
If you are going to be wonderful people and buy the book, then I urge you to do so through Big Closet, as Erin gets commission on every book sold through the site. link - Reverse Twist link - Reverse Twist


I hate to admit this


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I hate to admit this but I think I truely am depressed at this point. I feel hopeless and have nobody to turn to. I haven't written anything in at least 3 weeks because I've lost all sense of myself(if that makes any sense). My fiancé has even took notice and has taken a step at helping me try to feel right again. EVEN MY FUCKING BOSS HAS TAKEN NOTICE! (Cries) I really don't know what to do right now. I'm scared and don't know where to turn to. I refuse to go inpatient at a hospital unless it's a last resort. (Sobbing)

A Thank You and an Advisory

First of all, someone from Canada bought all nine novels in "A California Saga" series. If it was someone who frequents this site, thank you very much. If it wasn't, thanks to those of you who have purchased them.

Secondly, I did some minor editing on The Heart of the Beholder. It wasn't anything serious. I had some problems with word order, and in several places I wrote 'compliment' when I meant 'complement'. I'm not sure, but it seems to me that you should be able to get an updated copy from Amazon. Anyone know for sure?


really must knuckle down

okay after a long dry spell where my muse has been sulking in the corner time to start treating my writing as at least semi pro, time to tune on the radio first thing in the morning to sit with a coffee and start.

Have had too many things going on over the time i have not been writing now it is time to take some level of control back. Monday is a new start for me on my Gender journey but this time I am going to listen to the docs and work at it. Along with that time to re earn that princess of prose title so with me luck I'm going in

bad news and good news from my gender doc

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Well, I saw my gender doc yesterday, and it was a mixed thing, with some good news and some bad news.

First, the bad news - if I want to even get an orchy, much less SRS, I need to start taking dieting seriously, and even then its gonna be iffy.

The good news is my doc has prescribed a new drug to help me with the PTSD, which I hope to get filled out Sunday. The drug's active ingredient is also one of the active ingredients in pot, so I guess you could say I'm gonna be (sort of) a pot head ...



Two days ago, I wrote a long, and I thought perceptive post entitled "Vulnerability". I hit "preview", and then after checking it, hit "upload". The site told me it had been posted.

Later, I checked for responses. I could find no evidence that the blog had been posted, neither on the front page, nor on my blog.

I have no idea what happened. Thus this post.


Back on schedule - for now!


well posting is back on schedule so there is a new chapter here.

However, as part of my build up to the big ride in Austria I'm going on a micro training camp next week, (3 days in the Peak District getting some hard climbing in!) so it may well be later in the week for the update.



Does Fiction Influence Life?

For the last nearly twenty years I've been writing TG fiction. Most of my work contains one basic theme. "People know more about us than we think they do, and accept more that what we imagine."

I continue to regurgitate this theme because I hate the guilt feelings that I, and others like me have about our desires.

Sometimes I feel like I'm shouting into the wind. Other times, worse.

I wonder of what we read does shape how we think?

So sorry that it has taken sooooo! long to get the next chapter of Mother's Child out.

I know I promised many of you who have written that a new chapter Mother's Child was due out imminently. I'm sorry to say it's still not up!!!!! But it is nearly finished, and with veiled threat of tar and feathers being casually tossed around I am determined that it will be up, on or before next Monday.

The Family Girl #83: Hey, Look! The Shepherd Moon story’s out already!


The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #83: Hey, Look! The Shepherd Moon’s out already!

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl
click on this link:

Hey, guys, look! The Shepherd Moon story is out already! Yayyy!!!

Anyone else floating in the same boat?

Since childhood i am fascinated with long hair. A thick curtain of long, loose, flowing, silky waist length hair. My heart aches with those little things that can be done in open and in public(as taken for granted by some beautiful creation of God). The cute tuck of hair behind the ear, the slight head movement to get the hair out of face or the full head toss over the back. The casual beautiful head and wrist combo movement to toss the silky mass back over the shoulder. The gathering of hair in one hand to put on a necklace or lean down to blow a candle.

Rise in transgender children has effect upon schools.

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Article from The Guardian (where else) about the struggle some parents face and the triumph of others with transgender children.

From same edition a video by trans actors about being 'themselves'.

Blog Entry 11th July 2016- Down with the Sickness

Had this one saved for a while now, hoped not to have to use it-

So... Yeah. Made it two hours at work today before nearly coughing my lungs up and my ribcage feeling like it's imploding, a sure sign that I'm in the grips of a nasty chest infection. :-( This means that part 5 of the War of the Angels will likely be delayed. And/or split into two parts. Sorry. :-(

As a compensation, here's my entire upcoming schedule that I have planned for after the war-

How do I respond without losing my temper with family

These are the comments one of my cousins sent me on facebook. I am having trouble deciding whether she doesn't understand or is letting religion color her thoughts too much she is very religious. Here it is

I don't know how to respond to this without getting angry

an up and down day

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I had kinda an up and down night last night.

First, mom and I managed to get another load of stuff over to the new place, so that was a yay.

Unfortunately, last night I also had to fight against a nasty voice telling me how ugly I am, how nobody would ever wanna go out with me, on and on and on.

And as it is raining cats, dogs, and possibly gerbils outside, I don't think its safe for me to go to church and get the huggles I need ...

Ah, well.

A shout out to the U.K. writers and fans.

Lewis Hamilton wins the Brit Grand Prix for the third year in a row. There's a Brit in the finals at Wimbledon and a Brit in the lead at The Tour De France. Well done and congratulations from the Colonies.

Catherine Linda Michel

The next part of super soldier is finally posted!

As I have stated a few times, I do apologize for the long intermission between posts. Real life has become quite intense and left me little time to devote to my passion of writing. I can see light at the end of the tunnel, but that light is at least another two months away.

Story Idea Suggestion of the Afterlife.

Story Idea Suggestion of the Afterlife.

First, Erin. I do not mean this idea as a downer, or in anyway negative. This is meant more of a constructive exercise.

Now, the last month in my personal life has been pretty bad. Crippling health issues and other problems. I am likely not going to die tomorrow. But, I am not going to see the average life expectancy.

Ever have one of those weeks?

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Let me tell you, I wish I could borrow Doc Brown's DeLorean for about five minutes. I'd go back to last Friday and persuade myself not to go out for coffee. Or anywhere else for the next seven days.

As I left, I failed to notice that my chair was drifting off the sidewalk--with motorized chairs, there are unfortunately some blind spots. Consequently, it's hard to see in front of me in those areas. Anyway, when my chair went over the edge of the sidewalk, it landed sideways and dumped me out on the asphalt.

should’ve done this before

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Well just to prove i'm not just a Cav Fangirl - congratulations Steve Cummings and Simon Yates - Simon for taking the white jersey despite the altercation with Tour signage and Steve for winning stage 7.
Yes, more Brit success, that's 4/7 and he rides for Cav's team too!
So come on Sky you slackers, time to take up the reigns!

being unable to cry

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You ever want to cry but be unable to?

I had that experience last night.

I was in pain and struggling with both PTSD and my gender issues, and I snuck into the bathroom to let loose, and I found myself ... blocked. I simply couldn't cry.

I kinda find that a little scary ...

Paging Raff01 and sherryann44...

... your adoring public misses you.

OK. To be more accurate, I miss you.

Raff, you created a fictional universe of dazzling complexity, peopled with characters so real that we hung on every word. When last we saw Tracy, in your Halloween story, she seemed weighed down by all that happened to her, with no respite in sight. I'd hate to think she was doomed to languish in an abandoned storyline.

Um (what's the excuse this time?) No Bike tonight

Um - sorry, I was out at an AGM for a mammal group I belong to and apart from getting elected on to another committee, I sort of got talking with our mammal records officer and got back a bit late to write Bike.

I was out dormousing this morning and we had six, I got to handle two and it was somebody else' turn to drop one of them instead of me. So here's a photo of one of the ones we had today (dormouse, I mean).


I'll try and do one tomorrow.

Why Don't Authors Support Hatbox

It's a simple question.

Why don't more BC writers support Hatbox by contributing stories to it?

I can't think of one valid reason.

It would seem logical that more people would subscribe to Hatbox if their was more quality content. Content seemingly is king. If Hatbox added a new story every week, from authors with followings, there's no doubt the number of subscriptions would skyrocket. More revenue, less doubt about the sustainability of BC. BC is NOT a given.

Hatbox subscriptions are one of the vital supportive measures for BC.

A Palace of One's Own

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I quite like Sherlock. Not only is Benedict Cumberbatch a great choice for the role, but the individual cases are usually interesting, if not quite as complicated as I'd like at times. Then again, I've only made it through the first and second seasons, so I may be missing some of the best.

Back on point, the series has a lot of great elements, but one of the ones I've found most attractive is the concept of the Mind Palace. I loved the concept from the show, and after doing some (very superficial) research into the ins and outs of its purpose and the method of using such, I decided I should have one of my own.

The Family Girl #82: The Best Birthday Gift In the World

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The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #82: The Best Birthday Gift In the World

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl
click on this link:

I just wanted to announce the birth of baby Aiko Gianina.

10:59PM EST, July 3 2016
********** Hospital, Silver Spring
5.1 pounds, 16 inches tall
ten fingers, ten toes, and the most beautiful brown eyes in the world.


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But I just can't contain myself, the Pocket Rocket has done it again - no wonder Gaby can't get the better of her friend in the sprints!

The Badger didn't look too happy when he drew level the other day, now he's number 3 behind Cav he really will be dour!

And the boy McLay in third - maybe he will follow in Marks wheel tracks?

Is there more to come from the Manxman? I wouldn't put money against him getting closer to the Cannibal before things conclude in Paris.

Cav does it again!

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Cavendish takes his third stage win of this year's TdF to lie second only to Merckx in the number of stage wins at the tour. With his form as it is, who knows if he might even overtake that one day. He may not be Britain's greatest cyclist in some people's eyes but he has to be the most successful in terms of number of wins.


The Binary...

To All Those Concerned...

Those of you who were kind enough to comment and PM me about the use of the word 'salient', I have acquiesced and have changed it to 'sentient'. After much consideration and rumination, I felt that the point made was valid and well taken. I have, however, left the word 'saliency' where I thought being important was more important then the issue of sentiency.

2016-07 (2) update work


Update retirement paperwork.

HR's 'Social Serviices" received their copy of my retirement decree so my copy should be on it's way and reach me some time this week.

In the same mail I was notified that I would be invited to a 'company' retirement party and that I would receive a retirement gift in the form of a voucher. They couldn't give me a timeline for it but it but it's in the works ...

*sighs* and the week started so good ...


Update on open heart surgery.

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According to my doctor my recovery from the 6 bypass is on track. However, I've never been one to sit and take it easy. While I can get around and take care of myself, I'm restricted in exertions. As an avid kayaker, I'm totally frustrated. This in turn has led to something I've seldom encountered and even then only briefly... depression. I can now see how it can bury people.

Bike 3000 -- the future

Each episode I write is breaking new ground as no one has written this amount over such a period before, at least in this genre and on this site. I have the support of Erin to continue posting this interminable saga, the transgender equivalent of watching paint dry, as long as I wish to continue. I suppose it has become something of a feature of the site alongside the reasonable literacy of its authors compared to some other sites.

Advice needed

The last time I wrote a blog, it was about me not being sure about if I should release a story I had been working on along with Broken Phoenix. I had someone beta read what I had so far and I got a mixed comment so to speak. My writing is the only thing keeping me going right now and I've lost all sense of happiness. I've seen doctors but they just tell me that it's just stress. I even went as far as to talk to my childhood therapist from when I was transitioning. She noticed right away that I wasn't my normal self and needed help. I'm a complete wreck at this point.


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Well sorry I didn't post a chapter yesterday, I got a bit distracted!

Mr Cavendish, there are no words great enough to describe you. Yes, we all queried whether you could win again against the German double header but you've now kicked their butt's big style twice.

Sigh, there will be new Gaby later in the week if I haven't chewed my fingers off watching the Tour.

Tour de France 2016, Stage 16 (and 17)

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The Tour de France (aka TdF) is underway - today sees the third stage up there in North-westish France. Leaving the D-Day landing areas and heading deeper into France.

The 16th stage of this year's race, 18th July, is a 209 kilometer long stretch that takes the riders across the border into Switzerland, and through some of this land finishing here in my home town of Bern. The finish line is almost exactly 1 kilometer from my home.

HOWEVER, there is a great fuss being generated by the 'cheaper' Press here.

The Family Girl #81: Shepherd Moon lifts off ID4!


The Family Girl Blogs
(aka "The New Working Girl Blogs")

Blog #81: Shepherd Moon lifts off ID4!

To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl
click on this link:

The final instalment of the Shepherd Moon is coming out Independence Day tomorrow evening! Watch for it!

To read the previous installments on Shepherd Moon, click this link:

And if you’re interested in joining a Shepherd Moon contest, click this one:

Wow! A new chapter of No Rules!

Now that I'm in the polishing phase of the first draft of my novel for dead tree publication, I can turn my attention back to the stories I love that have languished here unattended for so long. Eventually, I'll have to start writing the SECOND novel in the series before I even sell the first, but until then, let's give my BCTS children the attention they deserve. *smiles* First up, No Rules Chapter 6!!

An article on intersex children

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The attached link is from quite a long article about intersex children and how they are and were treated in the UK. Sadly it sounds as if things still have a long way to go though in places they are getting better.

New story then a break

"Sudden Losses" just ended and I am going to take another break from writing...but not before I post a followup that actually ties up some loose ends from "Across the Pond".

Simply put, the story will be three vignettes tied together by the holiday. The Smiths go back to England, this time altogether as a family leading to the wedding announcement. The Petersons give some closure to Daisy, Patrick, and David. The Toros host Dorothy Vega leading to some unintended secrets being told by both.

The Manx Missile...


... strikes again.

With 100 meters left in the race to Omaha Beach, Andre Greipel, the Gorilla, was in the lead, with Peter Sagan second and Marcel Kittel third. Before the race, the TV pundits all declared this was Kittel's race to lose.

But then, Kittel fell behind the torrid pace. Mark Cavendish swept around Sagan's right. Cavendish caught the Gorilla, and blew past him. First by a tire ... then a wheel ... then a bike length!

Awesome! The question of who is the fastest man on a bicycle was answered: Mark Cavendish, the Manx Missile!

Simple Beans - A Recipe for a Lazy Day

Cut up one slice of bacon (streaky bacon for Brits) into small pieces. Fry in your favorite deep skillet till nearly crisp. Add 1/2 cup chopped brown onion and fry until onion is beginning to brown. Add two cans (three or four cups) of beans, pinto, black, kidney or white. Add two tablespoons molasses, brown sugar or honey. Stir. Turn heat down to medium low and cook uncovered until well-thickened. Cover and turn heat to low and keep cooking until beans are quite tender.

My parents are no longer being supportive

My anxiety and depression started to go down a bit when I started taking estradiol several weeks ago and my mom said that was a bad idea. I got my ears pierced and my parents tore into me that it wasn't something I needed and that I should be spending my money on supporting myself. I got my nails done and my mom flipped out that I should be looking for a job and I should be saving for a car and stuff so I can move out.

the big 5 - 0

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Well, I have somehow managed to survive to see my 50th birthday, and I'd like to take the opportunity to thank a few people who have helped me live this long.

First, my mom, who loves me unconditionally.

My brother and sister, who have done so much for me.

Jaci, who is a wonderful online big sister.

My friend Erin.

All my online friends.

All my readers, especially those who have left comments on my stories.

Erin and her elves, for giving me a place to post my stuff.

searching for a story

Hi there

i am searching for a story where the main character is injured in school and the gym teacher says its nothing and he should stop faking i have read it before but cannot remember the title if anyone remembers the story please give me a shout ^^

thanks a lot

Carpe diem

The underdogs are in the Semi-finals

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Wales, that mythical country west of England have just beaten Belgium 3 -1 in the European Championships to pass through to the semi finals. As they weren't expected to qualify, I'm rather pleased for them. Will they go all the way? I don't know as I think Germany and Italy are still there, but it would be a real fairy tale ending if they did. Cymru am byth, as we say.

ddraig goch.jpg


so I play a lot of video games (some would say too much) and often get inspiration from them.

I was playing an MMO, one where my girl was running around in massive, heavy sci-fi iron man-styled armor with a giant laser minigun and rockets and all sorts of ordinance.

And I also rp scenes in my head, or write out what my character is doing and why and all that.

Somewhere along the line I found myself asking: "If I wrote this as a story, how would it address the concept of 'feminine'?"

I finally

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got home last evening after over a week away for Gabycon. Normal service will resume shortly!

So a short reprise of the last week or so:-

Thursday last - after voting I set off for Derby where I caught a time saving train to Tamworth. From there I made my way via Meriden to my campsite just outside Stratford upon Avon where I spent a restful night.

Friday - an early start took me through the Cotswolds and eventually to a different River Avon via two heavy downpours! then it was a train down to Dorchester to start the Gabycon!

If only there was more time

I have received numerous messages asking about the lack of updates to my stories especially, Project: Super Soldier. I do appreciate the concern and I am actually fine and have no intention of leaving any of those stories unfinished. I’m having way too much fun writing them to do that!