The ironic downside to losing weight...

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In other words, after weeks of dieting and exercise, I've come to the unsettling realization that I was more passable when I was fat. (Less fat means my features are more angular and hence, less feminine). I essentially lost my best asset when I lost the weight, and earlier today, I suffered the consequences.

It was a good day. I'd been pretty good about trying to eat healthy and and at least cut down on the bad stuff, and the results are beginning to show. The weather was warmer than it's been over the past week, with the promise of it becoming warmer still tomorrow. All in all, nothing to complain about.

That's usually a danger sign. It's like an open invitation to God/Fate/the cosmos to give me their worst. And sure enough, that's exactly what happened.

I decided to get out out the apartment for a little while and get a few things from the store, and this afternoon seemed like the ideal time. Like I said, I felt good--until I approached the parking lot.

Some guy, about twenty or so, says something to his friend as they pass by me in their car:

"Look out the window!"

Then to me, "You're a f****ing dog!!"

Now, I've been on both sides of the gender fence, but I've never understood this. Why do men feel compelled--compelled--to announce their opinion of every woman's looks, good or bad?

Of course, this isn't exactly news to cisgender women, I imagine, but the observation is only now dawning on me. At any rate, I grumbled to myself and let it go. For a while.

On the way home, however, things got even worse. I come up behind this young couple, and the woman sees me and says, "Excuse me, sir..."

That did it.

Now, I could have taken either of those things individually, and have for many years. But the one-two punch of both of them, within a few minutes of each other, was just too much.

Despite my resolution not to let them get to me, I failed--they got to me. They really got to me.

I've been crying since I came home, and the first thing I did upon reaching home was stuff myself with potato chips. Ironically, I didn't even enjoy them--those people even took that away from me.

The whole incident was an unpleasant flashback to my first few years here in Wisconsin. I'd been taken off hormones because I smoked at the time and couldn't quit until about seven or eight years later. I'd started to remasculinize, and it seemed as though I couldn't go out the door without someone pointing and laughing from a distance, yelling some snide remark, or worst of all, misgendering me. (Even the more polite folks in the neighborhood did that). Now it seems as if those days are returning.

I know some of you are not obsessed with appearance and passability. But I am, and what happened today is a vivid illustration of why. I never again want to feel this bad.

(First paragraph reworded for clarity).

Comments

Hugs

erin's picture

Just hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Unseen

Rhona McCloud's picture

To be seen and recognised for what you are can be embarrassing but the real pain arises from being mistaken for what you are not. Being mistaken is something we nearly all (not only those who have transitioned) experience at times in our lives so you are in good company Rachel. Twice within minutes is unusual but if you were not a woman being addressed as 'sir' would merely embarrass and a disparaging comment on your appearance at one particular moment ignores a lifetime in which at no two minutes would you look exactly the same.

I said we nearly all experience this so you might wonder who escapes. Clearly it is the assholes in this world like your 20 year old who we all see for what he is.

Your revenge if you need it will come from putting down the chips and recognising that you have the ability to make your life better from today while the young man's life is likely to slip a lot further downhill before he looks in the mirror and sees what the rest of us see.

(((xxxhugxxx)))

Rhona McCloud

Looks! *sigh*

Hypatia Littlewings's picture

Your right about the loosing weigh bit, having lost quite a few pounds, I noticed that my self. I don't really like the way my face looks now, I think it looked better when I was heavier. I am also less androgynous and more male looking. I do feel healthier though! And I will probably live longer barring the unforeseen.

I don't get why some people need to tell other they look bad, unless maybe in the case where somebody is a totally disgusting slob, not base physical attributes. And then only if it is a case of them invading your personal space or coming in to your business place etc., otherwise it is none of their business.

And commenting to a stranger is just plain rude either way and usual unwelcome good or bad. It also seems somebody forgot to teach them what Thumper's mom taught him, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all". Unfortunately our society has come to lack manners. I do think there is another Disney quote that stuck with me, may explain this "Miserable being must find more miserable being. Then is happy." (which is actually a quote from an older play). People like that do not like them selves so needs to put others down to feel better. Hopefully that thought will help a bit the next time an idiot open his mouth, he is really revealing he does not like himself.

I have always felt bad whenever I have seen this happen to others, not just when it has happened to me. It is sort of a strange thing, we all can't help but be pleased when someone does like the way we look and displeased when they don't. Yet only the most outward packaging is really within our control, not what fate has given us, which is a major sore point for many on this site. *shakes a fist at Fate*

I am sure the misgendering bit has happen to most here, and happens often enough to more average people without problems, they just likely shrug it off more easily. Except maybe for the homophobes, it probably freaks them out big time. ;))

Gee, I seem to be rambling! (sorry!)
I could probably go on, aesthetics, tastes, preferences, beauty standards of different times/places.
I think I better stop here.

ANYWAY:
Don't give up the diet and exercise, being healthy is a good thing.

Huggles, with pixie dust,
~Hypatia >i< ..:::

.

PS. This week I heard somebody say "Ladyboy" behind my back,
I guess it's better then "Sir", I think!

Couldn't have said it better

Admittedly I do not have passing issues but being Asian gives me a leg up on those kinda issues. But on the other hand, Asian men are not considered as masculine due to those 'advantages'. In a sense it is almost as if we had built-in FFS or something like that. But since I am T *shrug*.

Thing is of course, fat does smooth out the edges that otherwise requires FFS to remove. In any case, people judge way too much on looks but keep in mind we are ALL guilty of that. I doubt that us being T has stopped us from gendering those around us.

I have not met you of course but it may help to talk to your support group and maybe try to form a plan of action for these changes due to getting healthier.

It's Not about You

The Neanderthal wasn't making an assessment of you as much as he was stating his opinion of himself.

It's like Vinny Barbarino said on Welcome Back Cotter, "I got my own idea of what God is like: I know he's a sharp dresser, and he's good-looking, and of course he's Italian." Of course Vinny was Italian, good-looking, and in his mind, a sharp dresser.

Every put down is meant to self elevate the jerk who said it.

You're a good-looking person, unless that picture isn't you.

Jill

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)