Dorothy Colleen

going to my ex's church in woman's pants

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Well, I think the title of this entry is self-explanatory, but I will explain anyway. See, I was feeling like taking a little risk, so I wore my ladies pants to church on Sunday. I have worn them around my ex before, and she hasn't noticed the difference, so I decided to give it a shot. Nobody seemed to notice, and things went well. It was rather... fun to do. Meanwhile, I am still working on Phoenix, and have decided that my attempt to focus solely on it didn't work that well. I seem to better in short bursts, even if that means its going to take me longer. Ah, well.

A small break

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Well, some of you probably can tell I am an avid reader/commenter/blogger here. (Take my word for it, if you don't) But I may have to pull back on my interaction here for a bit, so I can focus on my phoenix story (right now, at about 12,000 words, and just getting started...) The other project I would like to focus on would be taking a role in the formation of a "Best of Big Closet" book.

About "Abraxes" and "A Safe Place"

Well, looking back at my blog entries, I realized I hadn't talked about how a couple of my stories came about. I suspect this kind of stuff doesnt really interest a large number of people, but it's my blog, so blech. So without further ado...

awkward moment with my brother

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Well, had an awkward moment with my brother on Friday. He stopped by to drop off some pants he bought for me, and I could tell he was feeling very uncomfortable. I think he wanted to talk about the emails we have been sharing, but he was obviously not sure how to treat me. Then he did something very odd. Taking the back of his first finger, he rubbed my belly. It was an awkward moment. I think we need a face-to-face chat, and soon.

Caught!

Caught!

(Based on "Damaged" by Danity Kane)

Do you want to talk about it honey

Please how do I repair your trust in me

I need your patient understanding

But you might need some time

to figure out your heart and mind

Please don't you leave me

can't live without you, see

Baby, But this need is driving me crazy

and you caught me dressed as a lady

And I know it caused you some

Damage, damage, damage

I know I should have let you know

now your trust in me is damaged

damaged, damaged

And its all my fault, I know

Over, under, or through

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Well, right now, its hard to not to feel boxed in. The road to transition seems totally blocked by that wonderful thing, finances. I need a full time job if I am going to make any serious headway, and between the economy,and my commitments to my daughter, its hard to find one as Todd, and much harder to try and find one that will accept Dorothy, especially since I don't pass terribly well.

I feared that this entry might be my good bye

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Had a very rough day emotionally. Started with less than 3 hours of sleep last night, then my attempts to find a place willing to hire me as Dorothy failed. By the time I was taking my daughter home I was almost ready to compose a goodbye message here, in case I ended up in the hospital, or worse. But I am at least human again, thanks to Kylie. Thank her, everybody.

A College Outing, Part 4

(Co) Author's note: This is the conclusion of this story. Thanks to all who commented or left kudos. Who knows, maybe there will be a sequel.....

A College Outing, Part 4

"Alice? Listen, please, I am in trouble and there is someone out there who...”

Alice came closer, until she was almost on top of Tracy. The look in her eyes was cold.

“I asked you a question.”

“I don’t have time for your games, my life is in danger!”

dealing with discouragment from my mom

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I love my mom, and I am glad that she accepts me as my daughter. but sometimes her negativity gets to me. When I told her I planned to drop off a resume as Dorothy, she became upset, and told me I had no chance of being hired, because I do not pass. It is hard enough to gather the courage to do this without her being like that, and I wish she would be more supportive.

In the Mirror

In the Mirror

There was someone, a boy outside, a girl within denied.

One day, her parents said “we know you are a girl, Don't hide her anymore Let her out, and be free!”

“What girl?” she asked, looking in a mirror. “I don't see one”

“Look with your heart, like we do, and she is there”

She looked, her mask broke.

“I...I see her!” and she wept.

“Welcome home” They said, holding her.

“Daughter”

And the girl was free, at last.

A lesson from a failed story

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I am working on a new Phoenix story, and it made me think about a lesson I hope I have learned, thanks to a story that failed. As some of you know, I wrote a "Amanda Waller" story for the ret-con universe, and it got rejected as being in need of a total re-write. Later, I wrote my story "The Tears of the Phoenix", and as you can see if you look for it, it was accepted. So why the difference? Well, with the Amanda Waller story, I think I got myself thinking like a comic book writer, not a novelist. I concentrated on some visual images I thought "cool", and I think the story suffered for it.

A College Outing, Part 3

A College Outing, Part 3.

The next morning, she had a surreal experience putting on the boy’s jeans, sweatshirt, shoes, and ball cap she had gotten yesterday. She checked herself in the mirror to see what she looked like. She couldn’t help but stare at her reflection. She remembered back when she kind of thought she looked like a boy dressed like a girl, but now, there was no way she could be anything but a girl dressed as a boy.

a hard moment to write

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I just wanted to share about one moment that occurred while Kylie and I were writing "A College Outing". We got to the part where Todd was going to find out Tracy's secret, and we tried to figure the best way for that to happen. But once we had set his basic personality as creepy stalker, the only way that made sense to me was some kind of attempted assault. Kylie had written quite a bit of the stuff leading up to that moment, and needed a break, so I tackled it. As most of you know, I deal with my own assault, and so we had to be careful crafting the scene.

A college Outing, part 2

A College Outing Part 2

She was woken the next morning by Alice at her door. “Tracy, there’s somebody on the phone for you. They want a quote for the university paper.”

“I’m not here.”

“Really? You’re turning down a chance to be in the paper? Suit yourself, but I’d never do that.”

She told the person on the phone that Tracy refused to comment on whatever it was and hung up.

“Aren’t you running late for class?”

“I...I don’t feel well. I am not going today.”

collaborative story is up

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Well, for those who havent checked it out yet, the collaborative story I wrote with my gf Kylie is up. How to determine who wrote what? Easy. If you love it, thank Kylie. If you hate it, blame me...

Sorry folks, Just kidding about blaming me. Kylie says I am not allowed to put myself down, and she is right.

going back to old stories

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I have been considering going back through my older stories, and seeing if I can re-write them (hopefully, for the better). What do you guys think? Is there a story of mine that you would like to see me tackle again? and does anyone else ever think of doing this?

Body dysmorphic disorder

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I have heard this term being used in the context of transgender people, and I know at least one person who has undergone more than 70,000 dollars worth of surgeries and treatments, not counting SRS, and still inst happy with herself. Any opinions?

possible job opening?

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Well, I went back to the doc who put me on anti-depressants, and other than my little "glitch" before Christmas, things are going well. So, after my time with him, I decided to go to the largest mall in the city (and indeed, one of the largest in the world), West Edmonton Mall, dressed. I still had a 50 dollar gift Mastercard, so i wanted to see what I could find. Well, i went into Pay-less shoes, and they not only measured my feet (in stockings), and helped me find the right shoes, but were very nice while doing it. On my way out, I noticed they had a help wanted sign.

A nice night with a local TS group

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Well, I just got back from a very nice meeting with the local TS group. Not only was everybody nice, I ended up being given a makeup case (full), a wig holder (to help the wig dry), and a blond wig to go with my dark one. Pretty cool, no?

God's Design

God's Design (sung to the tune "Flawed Design, by Sabilo)

When I was a young boy, knew I was different,

had feelings in me that I tried to control,

I was tempted no matter how I'd run

Then as I got older things got worse

'cause this need it beat me,

could not stop myself from wanting it

I tried to resist them cause I felt the difference

between what I needed and the world's view

Though I could not be happy, and hated my failing,

tried to act as a male, felt I could not give in

So I had to turn off

Had to shut down

the latest reply from my brother

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I just got a reply to my latest e-mail from my brother, and had to share:

"I love you.
You must do as you must.
I will pray for blessing, protection, and that God reveal the truth to
both of us.
If I have to be the one to be adjusted, so be it.

Mike"

I am ... beyond stunned.

harrassing phone calls

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Been fighting with harassing phone calls from my mother's creditors. I really never knew how bad things were until she started ducking calls. It worries me greatly, but there is little i can do to help. I might as well share with you my secret plans - I had planed to take out a loan so i could get a transition started, but now its moot. Because we shared back accounts, I doubt i could get one. It was a long shot anyway, but ah, well. Dreams die hard, but they can die.

The Hem of His Garment

Author's note: this story has some explicitly Christian themes. If that bothers you, you might want to skip this one.

The Hem of His Garment

Based on Math. 9:20-22, Mark 5:25-34, Luke 8:43-48

Twelve years. Twelve long, miserable years. And she was at the end of herself....

about "no matter what"

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Well, I would like to take a moment and talk about "No Matter What". It started while I was crafting my little poem "Vows". As I often do, I shared my work with my girlfriend, and she got inspired to write her own story based on the poem. Just like the poem, the story is about the fact that many people who make declarations of loving us "no matter what", but not all of them follow through when it comes to being transgender. When she finished, I asked if I could post it here, and she agreed.

Response from my brother

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I just got a response from my brother, and I wanted to share it with you.

"I love you no matter what name you choose to call yourself.
None the less, I would be no friend or brother if I didn't at least
say "That way be dragons."
Have you considered that if you have misdiagnosed the root cause of
your unhappiness then this prescription will not be the cure?
That isn't being negative, that's just me trying to protect you from
the terrible consequences I can see down this path.
Maybe you need to go this way in order to find out how empty it is.

hits on stories

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Was just taking a look my story list, and noticed something odd about the number of hits some of my stories have. By hit count, "summer princess" is the most hit story i have written to date, although it does not have anywhere the number of comments of some other pieces. I am curious as to why.

a single letter makes all the difference

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Well, after a rotten day yesterday, I had a fantastic day today. I went for a interview with a local tg group, and we were meeting at a restaurant. I got there first, and the server was taking me to a booth, and i tried to tell her I would prefer a table, but she didnt hear me at first. But another server heard me, and told my server "SHE would like a booth" It is amazing, what a single letter can do for one's confidence.

How could things go so bad, so fast?

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Well, just when I thought I was getting some traction, the world kicks my feet out from under me. I found out late last night that my mother is in much more serious financial trouble than I had ever guessed. She has apparently declared bankruptcy, without even talking to me about her situation.

A wonderful lunch date

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Well, I had a wonderful lunch date with my friend from the support group site, and noticed several things. First, when I arrived, I did not have much hesitation, but simply thought, "I have as much right to go and have lunch as any other woman does" and went in.

The lunch itself was nice, especially when a little old lady noticed my wallet had fallen out, and pointed it out to me, telling me to tuck it better in my purse, like there was nothing strange about me at all.

trying to keep anxiety down

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Well, I am trying to keep my anxiety levels down, as I have not yet heard a reply from my brother. It may be because he just isnt the compulsive email checker i am, or it may be because he and his wife are away for the weekend, or it may be because the email account I sent it to is an old one of his wife's and not something they worry about any more. It is also possible he did get it, and is thinking about how to reply. But I have determined for myself, that should I not hear anything by next weekend, I will print out a hard copy of the letter, and put it in his mailbox.

better, thanks to my daughter

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Well, I am feeling better, and my daughter is a big reason why. Yesterday, an online friend of mine and I were talking when my daughter decided she wanted to say hi. After my friend accidentally called me Samantha's mother, she decided to feel out my girl on the subject of gender roles. My daughter made two points. The first was "my dad would like to be a mom" and "he would still be the same person if he did" Smart kid, especially considering she is a ten-year-old with learning disabilities.

back to shaky

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Well, I had planned to talk about my stories again, but I am not up to it. The only story I have in my head is a very angry one, and I am not sure if that one is a good idea. Mostly, I am wondering the wisdom of spending a day or more in the ER. I simply cannot find a way out of this box, and the prospect of having to spend the rest of my life like this is becoming just about intolerable. The big reason why I haven't is the simple fact they cannot help me. I am the only one who can make the plunge ahead, regardless of cost, or not.

The Hand You're Dealt

The Hand You're Dealt

This is a piece of fan fiction. “Wild Cards” created by George R.R. Martin.

In 1945, an alien virus was released over the skies of New York City. Eventually, that virus would be known as the Wild Card. Of those who contracted the virus, nine of ten died, most horribly. Of the survivors, nine of ten mutated into monsters and freaks, known as Jokers. But one out of every one hundred people who contracted the virus developed super-human abilities, and these fortunate few became known as Aces. The virus traveled on the winds, reaching most of the world, leaving behind a trail of destruction and pain wherever it went. This is the story of one community, how it became affected by the Wild Card, and how the survivors tried to pick up the pieces afterward.

Back on solid ground.

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Well, after several days of feeling fragile, I now feel like I am back on solid ground. Which is a good thing, because I think things are going to get tough around here. Between my job and my mom's job both being insecure, and all the internal stuff i am dealing with, I need to be thinking as clearly as possible. Meanwhile, my GF is feeling better too, and that's a relief.

on-line GF

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I had avoided talking about this, mostly because she reads this blog on occasion (and has no interest in performing for others) but I love her dearly, and right now, i am very scared. Last night, she sounded so depressed, in fact suicidal, and there is nothing i can do to help. I dont live close, i dont even have a rl phone number i can call her on. I am stuck hoping she is smart enough to seek help. Hon, if you read this, please hold on, okay?

trying to hold on

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Well, I am basically trying to hold on until my Dr.'s appointment on January 28. I don't really want to need to call in before then, but it's touch and go whether I am going to make it or not. It makes me wonder why I have such trouble asking for help. I think it is because of of my rapist being a doctor, but i am not sure. I dont even know why i am feeling so fragile right now. Is it the meds, dealing with flashbacks, my gender struggle, or maybe all three at once?

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