Dorothy Colleen

How could things go so bad, so fast?

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Well, just when I thought I was getting some traction, the world kicks my feet out from under me. I found out late last night that my mother is in much more serious financial trouble than I had ever guessed. She has apparently declared bankruptcy, without even talking to me about her situation.

A wonderful lunch date

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Well, I had a wonderful lunch date with my friend from the support group site, and noticed several things. First, when I arrived, I did not have much hesitation, but simply thought, "I have as much right to go and have lunch as any other woman does" and went in.

The lunch itself was nice, especially when a little old lady noticed my wallet had fallen out, and pointed it out to me, telling me to tuck it better in my purse, like there was nothing strange about me at all.

trying to keep anxiety down

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Well, I am trying to keep my anxiety levels down, as I have not yet heard a reply from my brother. It may be because he just isnt the compulsive email checker i am, or it may be because he and his wife are away for the weekend, or it may be because the email account I sent it to is an old one of his wife's and not something they worry about any more. It is also possible he did get it, and is thinking about how to reply. But I have determined for myself, that should I not hear anything by next weekend, I will print out a hard copy of the letter, and put it in his mailbox.

A letter to my brother

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I wanted to share a letter I have written to my brother.

Dear Mike:

better, thanks to my daughter

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Well, I am feeling better, and my daughter is a big reason why. Yesterday, an online friend of mine and I were talking when my daughter decided she wanted to say hi. After my friend accidentally called me Samantha's mother, she decided to feel out my girl on the subject of gender roles. My daughter made two points. The first was "my dad would like to be a mom" and "he would still be the same person if he did" Smart kid, especially considering she is a ten-year-old with learning disabilities.

back to shaky

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Well, I had planned to talk about my stories again, but I am not up to it. The only story I have in my head is a very angry one, and I am not sure if that one is a good idea. Mostly, I am wondering the wisdom of spending a day or more in the ER. I simply cannot find a way out of this box, and the prospect of having to spend the rest of my life like this is becoming just about intolerable. The big reason why I haven't is the simple fact they cannot help me. I am the only one who can make the plunge ahead, regardless of cost, or not.

Memory is a funny thing

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Just a quick little warning. I am going to discuss some tough subjects so take care reading

It's Only Grief

It's Only Grief

You come up to me
Say “Why so sad?
You look so glum
you must feel bad”

The Hand You're Dealt

The Hand You're Dealt

This is a piece of fan fiction. “Wild Cards” created by George R.R. Martin.

In 1945, an alien virus was released over the skies of New York City. Eventually, that virus would be known as the Wild Card. Of those who contracted the virus, nine of ten died, most horribly. Of the survivors, nine of ten mutated into monsters and freaks, known as Jokers. But one out of every one hundred people who contracted the virus developed super-human abilities, and these fortunate few became known as Aces. The virus traveled on the winds, reaching most of the world, leaving behind a trail of destruction and pain wherever it went. This is the story of one community, how it became affected by the Wild Card, and how the survivors tried to pick up the pieces afterward.

Back on solid ground.

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Well, after several days of feeling fragile, I now feel like I am back on solid ground. Which is a good thing, because I think things are going to get tough around here. Between my job and my mom's job both being insecure, and all the internal stuff i am dealing with, I need to be thinking as clearly as possible. Meanwhile, my GF is feeling better too, and that's a relief.

on-line GF

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I had avoided talking about this, mostly because she reads this blog on occasion (and has no interest in performing for others) but I love her dearly, and right now, i am very scared. Last night, she sounded so depressed, in fact suicidal, and there is nothing i can do to help. I dont live close, i dont even have a rl phone number i can call her on. I am stuck hoping she is smart enough to seek help. Hon, if you read this, please hold on, okay?

trying to hold on

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Well, I am basically trying to hold on until my Dr.'s appointment on January 28. I don't really want to need to call in before then, but it's touch and go whether I am going to make it or not. It makes me wonder why I have such trouble asking for help. I think it is because of of my rapist being a doctor, but i am not sure. I dont even know why i am feeling so fragile right now. Is it the meds, dealing with flashbacks, my gender struggle, or maybe all three at once?

christmas challange

Did i miss the announcement as to who won? I was anxious to find out how my "Santa School" story matched up....

Whetting your appitite ( I hope)

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Well, my muse has made her call, and my "wild card" story drew the short straw, and i have begun the writing for it. To (hopefully) whet the appetite of my five fans (I am kidding, there might be ten of you), i will give you a quick little link to some info on the series:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wild_Cards

My story takes place in 1989, just after George H.W. Bush is elected president in the U.S.

not the best way to start the new year

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Well, its a new year, and i am already hating it. I mentioned to my boss yesterday about my supervisor calling me Dorothy, and she dismissed it saying she would not do that. i had thought she was sympathetic, but I think she was ok with it hypothetically, but cannot deal with it as a reality. That, and today, my brother is taking me for some pants (mens, sadly), and get my hair cut. He just doesnt understand my gender issues at all, and its gotten to the point where being around him is painful. Which bugs me, because growing up, he was my friend, my protector, and in many ways, my idol.

happy new year!

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Well, welcome to a new year, and a new decade. I havent done a lot of writing since finishing part 3 of "the lucky one". but i am less panicked about that than i would have been before. i have my "wild card" story to work on, a couple of ret-con ideas, sequels to a couple of my earlier stories, and my first and probably only attempt at a SRU story, and that's not counting having to try to write my way out of the box i put myself in for the conclusion of "The lucky one".

Describing how I feel

I am struggling to find the right words to describe my gender dilemma, especially to people who have no experience with the subject. The closest i can come is that its like Dorothy is pushing from the inside, wanting to be out, and being blocked by my physical body, so there is this constant pressure and pain. Any one have any ideas?

passing

I have been thinking about the idea of "passing". for me, its rather simple. If i can get and hold a job as Dorothy, if i can get groceries or window shop without fearing that i will be beat up, and to be able to use the ladies room without somebody calling the cops, then i will be passing. And frankly, the first one and the last one are out of my reach, at least for now.

closing in on my anniversary

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Well, i was looking at my account the other day, and noticed I had passed the 1 year anniversary of being a member here. However, at the end of January, it will be one year since i published "The saga of E-Girl". A lot has changed for me since then, much of it for the good. I have (hopefully) improved as a writer, I have made some wonderful friends, Wand I have made serious progress in dealing with my rape, as well as my gender status. Who knows what the next year will bring? Not me, that's for sure. I would never have predicted what has happened this one. Happy new year, everybody.

some bad news.

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Well, it looks like things at work are headed for the crapper in a hurry. As of next week, I will be lucky to get one day a week. I am feeling a little hurt by this, as you can imagine. Thanks to my commitments to my daughter, i may have great trouble finding another job, and without my income, and especially since my mom's job is also insecure, we may end up having to make some hard choices about where we live, and what we can do without. The worst part is, i felt like i had finally found a job i could maybe transition at, only to have it pulled out from under me. Sigh.

The Lucky One (Part 3)

Authors note: because it has been a while since I posted the last episode, and before I hand things over to Our Lady of Perpetual Ego, I feel I should point out something about this adventure. This is NOT an objective account. It is seen through our heroine's eyes, and she has a certain.... bias, that must be taken into account when reading, and it is wise to take what she says with a large truck full of salt. If you have read the first two episodes, you are probably saying something like “Duh!” but I thought I should pass on the warning Enjoy!

i have the bestest techie in the world!

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Well, as it turned out, i didn't lose my stuff. Thanks to my friend, who is the bestest techie ever, I am back in business, and she even got my stories back. expect more silliness from "The Lucky One" soon!

Two drabbles

Two Drabbles

Waking up:

Child : “Mom! Mom! I had the most horrible dream!

Everything was.... different! My room, my clothes, even my body! And....and I was stuck like that for like, the rest of my life!

Mother: It was just a dream honey. You are safe, and everything is back to normal, right?

Child: I guess, but why in heaven would I dream of having to live life as a BOY?

Excerpt from a Lost Pilot for Star Trek:

lost everything.

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well, last night my computer crashed, and i have now lost everything i have ever written. for the stories that are here, that is at least recoverable, but i will have to start over all the ones i was working on, as i had no back up. It hurts like crazy, but its just one more bump along the road, right?

had a good Christmas

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Well, Christmas turned out ok. My daughter and i made a gingerbread train, she opened every present in the world, and generally turned my house upside down (but in a good way), and then the ex came over and we had a civilized Christmas dinner. All in all, a good Christmas. I hope all of you had good ones as well.

A Safe Place

Author's note: in this little story there is the brief recollection of a suicide attempt. But as you will be able to tell, it works out okay. I hope you like it. As always, comments are appreciated.

A Safe Place

Tina looked at herself in her wedding gown, and tried to hide her nervousness. She could hear the voices from her past, calling her the names she heard so often as a child.

thankful at Christmas

Well, I would like to take a break from my regularly scheduled whining and remember all the gifts i have been given this Christmas. These are in no particular order, but here goes:

1: my home. In a time when far too many have none, i have a safe, warm bed, a fridge full of food, lights, TV, internet, and i can dress how i please in it

2: My mom. Her acceptance of me as Dorothy has simply amazed me, and gives me such comfort when i am struggling.

3: My daughter. I love that bundle of energy more than i thought i could love anyone, and i know she feels the same about me.

the hardest story

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well, the latest piece i produced was by far both the easiest and the hardest. The hardest, because it is NASTY. Despite having no sex, no violence, and no swear words, it is a very, very, hard read. I was a wreck this morning, cried until i could produce no more tears, and then went to work feeling like i was on the brink. Halfway though my shift, this piece started coming, and when i got home, i just had to write it out and exorcise my demons that way. And that's why it was also the easiest to write, it just flowed so fast, i had it done in under 2 hours.

Breakdown

Author's note: This piece is the most disturbing thing I have ever written. It might be the most disturbing piece on this site that doesn't have any hard language or violence. Please take care reading.

Breakdown

anger

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Over the last week or so, i have been struggling in various degrees with bouts of anger. It feels like when i havent wanted to curl up and cry i have wanted to shout or even hit something. A friend of mine has suggested that this might mean things are coming to a head inside me, and i will have to make a choice of letting Dorothy out, or losing it. And since the barriers to doing the former remain, I feel like i have been backed into a corner with no way out. The only place i feel human is online where i can just be me without those costs. Real life sucks.

a quote to share.

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"Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as any cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door."

the bad, the good, and the frightening

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Well, today was one of those "mixed bag" days. First, the bad. I tore my pants to pieces working in the back, no fun. The good: my supervisor actually bought me a new pair, so that was nice. the frightening? Well, while trying to describe how i managed to destroy my pants, I found i could not come up with the words "screwdriver" and "furniture" for several minutes. For a person who depends on words as much as I do, that is very scary.

shot down (sort of)

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Well, I found out the girl at my daughter's daycare is taken, so that's a no go, I guess. The funny thing was how RELIEVED I was when i found that out. I had escaped having to take the next step and try and ask her out, which I was not sure I was capable of. I am also not sure where that leaves me for finding someone to love, however. There are a couple of possibilities from among my friends online, but in all honesty, I am uncertain how that kind of relationship works.

Abraxes

Abraxes

May the gods and goddesses of our people bless the readers, especially those I love.

My name was Abraxes, and I was a slave. Despite this, the gods blessed me beyond all measure, and I will die as a member of the nobility. For my children, and their children, I wish to record what happened, so they may know how that happened, and thank the gods and goddesses who brought such joy into my life. The account I must relate is strange, stranger than any other I have heard of, but I swear by all our gods and goddesses that it is the truth.

I am ok

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Well, I wanted to reassure everyone who has been worried about me that I am okay. I have had no repeat of "glitch" that made me feel like hurting myself. I do want to assure everyone that should i feel like that again, I will run, not walk to my nearest ER or call the support hot line A.S.A.P. As for my proscribing doctor, well, he is gone until the new year, but I will mention the episode to him when I see him.

frightened myself at work

Well, I managed to frighten myself at work yesterday. For those of you who are squeamish, you might consider not reading the rest of this entry

Thanks to all for the success of "Santa School"

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Well, as of yesterday, "Santa School" has become my most successful piece to date in terms of comments left, surpassing even "The Dead Kid". Fifteen people have taken the time and effort to say something publicly about it, and that is wonderful, and I wish to thank them, as well as everyone who left a kudo. Regardless of how it does in terms of the Christmas contest, it has been an uplifting experience for me. There is only one fly in the ointment so to speak, however. I showed it to my mom, and she said she found it sad.

I Saw Her Walking

I Saw Her Walking

I saw her walking down the street, and I stopped .

Clothes are tattered, old suitcase in her hand.

I approached, she flinched.

“You want to hurt me more? Reject me again?” She said.

“I came to say I'm sorry. Please come home.”

“Until you feel guilty again?”

“No. For the rest of our lives, if you are willing.”

We embrace, go home.

I had to do this.

Had to make it right.

And I will.

Because I need her.

Because the girl is me.

Santa School

Santa School

Jacob Burrows answered the ad for a mall Santa, and was surprised to discover that one had to actually attend a class before you were allowed to put on the red suit and beard. In fact, he was sent to a day long “Santa School”.

At the class, Jacob spent the day learning how best to act “jolly”, even when things were not going well. Things like when a kid pulls on your beard or pees on your pants.

fighting temptation

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I am fighting a serious temptation right now. To put it in simple terms, I want to give up, to surrender. I am not talking about killing myself, but just shut down again, like i did as a kid. I have even considered finding a dom/domme and just be a slave, so I dont have to think or feel anything again. I will resist it, but i could use help, and prayers

unexpected twists

When you write, do you have a "map" on how the story will go? If you do, has something happened to make you change that, almost like the story had a mind of it's own? I have, it sometimes it makes me wonder if i have my stories, or if they have me.....

about my last two pieces

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I would like to talk about my last two pieces together, because the one led to the other. I started working on "tears of the phoenix" because I was struggling with flashes of attraction toward men, and it was scaring me. As I had jean say, I felt like i was losing the last part of my male self, and i didnt want to. This struggle formed the first half of the story. At the same time, I was struggling with grief over Misty's "Out of the Ashes". I really hurt when Dolores died, and i wanted to say something about how her death affected me.

I am Nine Years Old

Author's note This is as true a version of my abuse as I can produce. I have removed some of what happened to me so it was readable, but it is still going to be tough for some people. Please consider your own state of mind before reading, as it may trigger.

I am 9 years old

history of the Ret-con universe

I was watching "Smallville" the other day, and it got me wondering about the history of the ret-con universe. On the show, the JSA operated in secret until they were driven completely underground. I wonder, do we have any ideas weather or not there might have been meta-gene activations before the current crop? Maybe some historical/mythological characters were early metas. And maybe, just maybe some of them are still around.... something to think about, yes?

drip by drip

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My gender journey has reached an interesting point. Sometimes, I am in such pain i dont know how to function. But then, there are days like now. the pain level is less, but more steady, like Chinese water torture. I am not sure exactly what I can do about it. I have done all i can right now, or at least thats what it feels like.

Tears of the Phoenix - A Ret-Con Interlude

For Misty, for making me cry

The Tears of the Phoenix (A Ret-Con Interlude)

On the satellite known by some as the Moon, there is a cliff. Around it, there is only silence, and cold. This cliff has sat undisturbed for thousands and thousands of years - until today. The first thing an observer would have seen was a new light in the sky, bright and shining and growing brighter as it drew near.

something to say, but not sure how to say it

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I have something that I would like to be able to share, but I am leery of actually sharing it since it might pain some others here. Basically, I had a flashback last night, and instead of being just a victim, i thought about writing it down. The result is a nearly full description of one of the last times i was assaulted. Trouble is, too many people here have had rapes happen to them, and i have no desire to bring those memories back for them unless they can handle them. Any ideas?

the sound of crickets

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Well, apparently, my last piece was a dud. As the saying goes, even Babe Ruth struck out more times than he hit home runs, and i am most definitely NOT the Babe Ruth of writing. But the experiance has taught me a lesson. I am a pretty needy girl when it comes to my work. I thrive on praise, and wither without it. But i think i need to change that if i am going to keep writing. Still, I hope at least some of the time i hit a "home run"....

My mom took me shopping for a ladies coat

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A few days ago, I had causally mentioned to my mom that next time i had some cash, I wanted to look for a ladies coat. To my surprise and delight, today she took me shopping. Even though i went in male clothes, it felt like a genuine mother-daughter shopping trip. We found a nice coat that fit me, and I feel much better for it. Do I have the best mom, or what?

my christian connection

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Looking at the responses I got from my last entry, I feel I need to explain a bit about my faith. When I first became a Christian, I had no real teachers in the faith. I got a bible, and read it from cover to cover several times. Some things I understood, some I did not, but I had no one to ask. Since I was a "Christ"-ian, I figured I should read what Christ said and use that as my guide. Unfortunately, there was nothing that really covered the area of my tg, at least in the new testament.

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