Dorothy Colleen

A spirtiual pick up

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I had a wonderful moment at work, but I don't know how to describe it. For perhaps the first time, I saw how far God has brought me in becoming a mature Christian. I saw i actually have "the fruits of the Spirit", and in greater quantities than i would have dreamed possible for someone like me, considering how often i have doubted my basic salvation. I hope i can remember it if i struggle again.

good news, i hope.

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I am not sure if I have mentioned it, but I am now on anti-depression medication. The funny thing is that this doctor has never seen me in male clothing. Its still a little strange to be in a public waiting room dressed, but so far, nobody has made a big deal of it. I think that's good news, right?

caught a mistake

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I was reading over my last story "sleep teacher" and caught a boo-boo. I accedently changed the name of the boy that Daphne dates and then who wants to marry her. One more reason to have a 2nd look I guess.

Out at work (kinda-sorta)

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I think i may have a world record in the Strangest Coming Out Story Ever category. See, some time ago I shared my status in a very joking manner with some co-workers. Well today was the first time I had seen one since, and he announced my girl name to everyone at the morning meeting. The general response was giggles as they assumed he was kidding, and that i was playing along. But, the result is that I think more people know about Dorothy than don't. Weird, huh? On a lighter note, nobody has yet guessed the character that is based on a well-known character featured on this site.

negitive images of TG in the media

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I am concerned about the portrayal of TG in the media recently. For example, a Canadian Colonel has recently pled guilty of a escalating series of crimes that ended with the rape and murder of two women. But the image that has made the rounds is the man dressed in woman's underwear that he had stolen from women and girls, and his cross-dressing has been played up. Even my mother wondered if he was like me.... It would be wonderful if we could get someone from our community who does something wonderful, that we can show as positive role models. Ah well.

every bloody day is Halloween for me

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Sometimes, it feels like every bloody day is Halloween for me. I am forced to wear a costume and a mask each and every day. Some days that's okay. I find within me enough masculinity to keep up appearances, and I play my role well. Other days, that mask gets uncomfortable, that costume difficult, and it's all I can do to endure, and pray that someday I will be permitted to be free. Ah, well.

The evolution of Choices

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I would like to take a moment to talk about how the story "Choices" evolved. Like some other ideas i have had, this one came to me while I was struggling to sleep, and originally, it was a lot darker.

At the time, it was going to be about a straight male who is presented with horrible choices, of which slowly transforming into a woman is the least objectionable to him, even though he is not transgendered. Everyone believes this transformation is his own idea, and is totally supportive, which he finds frustrating.

A peek at an upcoming story

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I thought I might give a sneak peek at an upcoming story I am working on. It takes place in the "Wild Cards" universe. For those who may not know what that is, it is a "Shared universe" series, created and edited by George R.R. Martin. The idea of the series is that a virus comes to earth, turning people into either superheroes or monsters. I am just getting started, so its going to take a bit.

looking at the bright side

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Despite having a tough day at work, mostly frustration over being given a job but not given the tools to do it, and being asked to do several jobs not actually part of what my assignment is supposed to be, then criticized for taking longer than expected (which was darn short even if I could have focused on the one task), I actually feel better. I focused on the fact I was able to go out as Dorothy to a restaurant on Sunday for brunch with other TS girls, and giggled listening to stories about some of the more humorous comments made to some of the girls.

Wigs

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Last week, I bought a wig, and I think the experience symbolizes everything I struggle with trying to be female. Having virtually no money, I bought a Halloween wig from the discount bin at my work. Like buying my makeup at the dollar store, it was about getting my feet wet and trying to keep moving forward, but because of the fact I had to buy the lowest end items, the end result falls far short of what it would take for me to look half-way presentable, much less "pretty".

Challenge for TG day of rememberance.

I would like to encourage the creation of a writer's challenge for TG day of Remembrance (Nov. 20). My idea would be positive stories of overcoming discrimination, abuse, or self-hatred. What do you guys and gals think?

Howl at the moon

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I thought in honor of Halloween, I would share the lyrics of one of my favorite Halloween songs,

Howl at the moon (By Klaatu)

She was a sleek and slender enchantress
I'd met in the Casbah
When her green eyes first met mine
I was overwhelmed with awe

Well we dance all night to the tango
And she lured me with her charms
As the band played how I prayed
I'd awaken in her arms

(Chorus)

But when I howled at the moon
I know something was wrong
She had me in a spell
And I knew it wouldn't be too long
Before I'd end up
Before I'd end up here in a prison cell

Choices (part 4)

(From Part 3)

“You are not facing this alone. Just accept that I am coming with you.”

“Th…thank you.”

“Now, do you have any idea where to start?”

“If this is connected with Alex, we need to go to the house he lived in.”

“What a way to spend Halloween. Looking for a ghost.”

“Up to you, you can sit this out, I wont think the less of you.”

“Not on your life. Tonight, we go ghost-busting.”

(Part 4)

Choices (part 3)

Choices (part 3)

(from part 2)

Finally, I got out of my dress, and slipped into one of my new nightgowns, and went to bed. I slept fitfully. I had no clue then that this nightmare had just begun, and soon my fellow students would have their turn facing this horror. The worst was yet to come…..

(part 3)

sleepless night caused by arousal?

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Had a horrible night last night, and got no sleep. I am not sure how best to describe it, but its sort of like this: Imagine having the sex drive of a typical teenage boy, but instead of having a nightly fantasy of poking one's peter into the nearest available hole, there is a terrible emptiness the needs, craves, demands to be filled. I don't know if that's how genetic girls feel arousal, but that's how I experience it.

Choices (part 2)

(from part 1)

“Now I have a serious question. Have you ever told anybody before me?”

“I…I only ever told one other person.”

“Good. Lets start with him then.”

“We can’t. He was a friend of my brothers, but …“

“But what? Why can’t we see him?“

“He died last year….”

Part 2

drifting along

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I fear i cannot keep simply drifting along, just letting my life happen. Writing my latest piece "choices", has really brought things to a head. Instead of being a release, it has opened up a Pandora's box of feelings, and I don't know how to survive it's contents. And yet, no matter what course I chart, I will suffer losses so large I can barely cope with contemplating them, much less face the reality. I am breaking in pieces, and i have no idea if i can survive long enough to glue them back together again. If you are of the praying kind, a prayer for me would be appreciated.

odd dream

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Last night, I had a odd dream.

I had gotten a job as a security guard, and someone i knew from my real life job gave me a lift to a bus stop.

The bus turned out to not stop there, but I figured I could walk to somewhere where I could make a connection.

I then found myself cutting through a small shopping center, and my daughter appeared, and I had to cut her looking around short in order to try and catch a bus.

cliffhangers

I have been working on a little ghost story, although I don't think it will be done in time for the halloween contest. But even though I only have got about 2,000 words done, I found myself with a bit of a cliffhanger, a great spot to leave readers as the end of a chapter. Your opinion, publish it here, or not?

slipping up

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I seem to be consciously and unconsciously trying to out myself. Yesterday, I was playing Wii with my daughter when she realized my character's name, and asked "Dorothy?" I just passed it off as just the name of my character, and she accepted that. I keep this up and I will be out long before I am ready.

stuggling with depression and anger because of the local news

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After I heard the news about Graham James, the hockey coach accused of abusing children who played for him, I really struggled with anger and depression. That this man was convicted, but still allowed to leave the country. really makes me feel like the authorities still don't take abuse seriously. Is there ever going to be justice for all those who were like me? How do I live with the fact my rapist never had to face punishment for what he did to me?

how nasty should I be?

I am working on a new story, and I could go in two directions - I could do a "G to PG" version, or I could make it raw and go for a "R" or even an "X". which version would you recommend?

kudos to old stories

I would like to encourage people to go back to old stories and leave kudos. There are a lot of great stores that back when there was votes had received a lot of votes, and deserve all the kudos they can get. (not to be selfish, but a few bones thrown at my stuff would be nice...)

better day

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Well, today was a better day. Not only did I not have to work, and thus got a few things done that have been hanging over my head, but because my mom was home too, I was able to go to the transgender support group meeting (I had to smuggle out my Dorothy outfit and change there, but still) It felt good to be with the girls (and guys). I think I really really needed that right now.

national coming out day

Today was National Coming Out Day - A day to increase awareness of GLBTG issues. But until I happened to catch MSNBC, I had no idea about it. I wonder, did anyone do anything in relation to this celebration?

blood on my sheets, again

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Had a horrible night last night. woke up a couple of times banging my head on the wall. Then, in the morning, when my little dog jumped up on the bed to great me, or so I thought, when I noticed that she had started licking my sheets, and I realized that the reason why was that I had apparently bleed during the night (not the first time that's happened.) Ah, well, can't do much about it.

crash and burn, and payback house

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I don't know if you have ever bought an item, taken it out of its box, and then try to put it back in, only to find it just doesn't fit and in fact you can't see how they ever got it in there in the first place? Well, I kinda feel like that. I had a good day as Dorothy Friday, but I found I really crashed after I had to go back to male mode. Meanwhile, at least I am back to writing again, as my last parody piece showed, which is good news. I have an idea for a different kind of haunted house story, but I doubt very much I can get it done in time for the Halloween contest, but ah, well.

What do you want to be?

What do you want to be?
(based on the Adam Lambert song “What do you want from me?”

Hay, stop with the frown
What do you want to be ?
What do you want to be?

Don’t, be afraid,

back to the docs tomorrow

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well, I go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow for an update on the meds he gave me. I am up to 2 pills a day, and honestly, I cant feel any difference. Ah, well, at least I get a couple of hours as Dorothy. Which I really, really need badly.

struggling with anger at God

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Well, after my encounter with the woman at the wiener roast on Sunday, I found myself really struggling with anger with God. Fortunately, I was working Monday with a woman who I have shared my story with, and I was able to vent, and I feel better for it.

going around in circles

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I sometimes wonder if I am actually making any progress, or if I am just going around in circles. I feel like a mental conjoined twin - one side is female, the other is male, but neither can really live without the other. After having my male side resurface, I am back to having sleepless nights and fevered prayers to finally be at peace. But I have patrolled the limits of my cage, and I simply do not see any exits. I went to a wiener roast at my church's pastor's new place yesterday, and one of the women there insisted that one day soon I would be sharing my story in public.

words will never hurt me

Words will never hurt me ….

Words will never hurt me, that’s what they always say
But words still carry a price, and I don’t want to pay

Like “it” is a name some give me, like I am not even real
I swallow the word, though it chokes me, I don’t know how to deal

“Sin” is what some call my journey, like I ever had a choice
And the pounding from the pulpit, drowns out my forlorn voice

“Sissy” is a favorite word for some to use, it covers lots of ground
Gives such an excuse to flex a muscle, and look for someone to pound

biting my tongue

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Had a very sad moment with my daughter tonight. She sometimes slips and uses female pronouns for me, and she actually wondered out loud today why she does that. It took every bit of self control I possessed not to tell her why I think she does it. I am breaking apart here.

has my well run dry?

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I dont know if its because i have been working too much or what, but it feels like my creative well has run dry. I hope this doesnt last.

sad video

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here is a really sad video about a tg girl who was murdered.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8J8FmbvBcQ&feature=grec_browse

Hard choices

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Well, I am really up against some hard choices. I let slip my trans status to a couple of co-workers, and I had a amazing response - My blood pressure, which was high, dropped, and my cluster headache went away. Then today, as I had to go back into hiding, the headache came back and my bp went back up. So I finally realize the truth - i either live honestly, and suffer the consequences, or I keep myself in the closet, and risk a serious health problem. Pray I make the wisest choice.

feel like I am slipping

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I feel like I am running of fumes, trying to hold on by hook and by crook until I get some help. I feel like I am fading, and I honestly don't know what I can do now.

back to the drawing board

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Well, my Amanda Waller story has been delayed. I let Lilith have a peek at what I had written, and it needs a serious re-write. Ah, well.

why do i like superheroes?

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I was thinking this morning, and wondering why the ret-con stories are so popular, and why so many of us seem to love comic books. Well, I cant speak for anyone else, but for me, i have realized i have something in common with most super heroes, and thats the fact that I too, have a secret identity. Just like most heroes have to hide their true selves, I also have to keep my true self a secret. The difference is where most heroes don't want or plan to integrate their 2 sides, I hope someday that I will be able to take off my mask, and show my real self to the world.

visions

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I may have mentioned, I occasionally have odd little visions of the future. Like last sunday, at church, before anybody could say what type of service we were having, I knew it was going to be a healing service. This worries me on occasion, because I often don't know what they mean until the actual event. It's a little difficult, at times. ah, well.

A long two weeks to go

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Well, its two weeks to go before I see the psychologist. Of course the first session will be all "intake" so it will be even longer before he decides how to help me. Ah, well.

from the files of Department "H" (Ret-Con Univierse)

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Taken from the files of Department "H":

Known meta-humans living in Canada:

Name: Dr. Jamie Hudson Code Name: none Age: 25 Powers: Heightened Intelligence, ability to control machines and metal

Name: Wanda Langowski Code Name: Sasquatch Age: 19 Powers: Transforms into a 7 foot tall, 400 lbs creature. In this form able to lift 10 tons, has razor-sharp claws capable of cutting through steel.

to anyone worried about my take on amanda waller

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I just want to re-assure anyone worried about my take on Amanda Waller, she will not end up in a silly costume, and her abilities will not exceed human. Meanwhile, I have had a couple of dreams recently where its clear I am fully female. I think that's a good sign.

good news/bad news

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well, the ex apologized and that is good. Unfortunately, yesterday, i got hurt badly at work, and i an still recovering. I pulled muscles in my chest, and it was so bad i had trouble breathing. My supervisor had me lie down in the first aide room for a half hour, and i was on light duty the rest of the day. Today I am doing better, but it was still scary

my ex has lost it

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Well, i think my ex is losing it. I was helping her tonight like I always do, and she asked me to write a letter for my daughter's new teacher at school. I agreed, and I started writing it. She was dictating to me, and i tried to make a suggestion about some words, and she completely lost it. She starting swearing at me, and told me I have nothing to do with my daughter's future. I am hurt, angry, and ready to do something drastic.

about "missing"

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I think I should try and explain about my latest piece, "missing". Its actually not that recent, probably more than a year old. I have hesitated to share it because its not an easy piece, and I feared that it would be misunderstood. Its my rather faulting attempt to describe what might happen if the Rapture occurs in my lifetime. It is an attempt to describe both the sadness those who might miss me, with the joy I would know at that moment. Hugs to all who worried about me, I am not planning on leaving anytime soon, although God might have other plans.....

Missing

MISSING

I leave behind the usual clutter
Of unfinished business,
Regrets, and roads not taken in life

I also leave my heart poured out on paper
Undiscovered glimpses of my life
To be enjoyed by any who find them good

Or perhaps to be ridiculed,
As being to soft and light for the modern world

Whatever the fate of my work,
It seems petty, in the face of the poetry
Of my true and final resting place

I say now to those who might care for me
“Do not look for me in the harsh lights of the city
Nor in the cool foothills of the mountains
I have gone home to stay”

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