Dorothy Colleen

Night Entries, Chapter 3

Night Entries, Chapter 3.

Well, we are back home. Mom somehow found us, and told us to come home. We did, lacking anywhere else to go. I hope things are going to be alright. I feel so helpless.

*****

Its kinda funny around here now. Its like we all made this unspoken agreement to not mention what happened, but to go on as though life was perfectly normal. My step-dad actually seems a little wary of my brother, so maybe that’s what we’ve needed to do all along - kick his butt, and then he’d leave us alone.

*****

Just Swimmingly

Just Swimmingly

Mary reached the door of the change room, and hesitated. She stood there, rocking back and forth from one foot to the other for several minutes before Alice came up and took her hand.

"What's wrong, hon?" Alice asked.

"I can't. They'll all see ...." Mary said.

"They wont notice a thing. Come on. "

Finally, Alice took Mary's hand, and led her into the change room. Once inside, Alice began taking of her street clothes, while Mary watched. Alice looked at her, and said, "what, hon?"

Night Entries, Chapter 2

Night Entries, Chapter 2:

This is intense stuff, people. Read with caution, and as always, comments are appreciated.

I couldn’t go through with it. I’m such a coward. I guess I have no choice but to keep on going, even if life makes no sense. I can only hope its a short life, since there doesn’t seem to be any hope for me.

******

tough stuff to wade through

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Those of you who have read chapter one of Night Entries can see this is not easy stuff for me to re-live. I can only assure you all that there will be some nice moments, but we have to get through the dark stuff first. Keep holding on to me, we'll all get through it together....

Night Entries, chapter 1

Night Entries, Chapter 1

Author's note. This is based on my actual experiences. It contains frank discussions of sexual abuse and an attempted suicide. Please take care reading.

Dear Diary;

This is my first entry in any diary, ever. So I really hope I’m doing this right. When I saw you, diary, sitting in a discount bin, and I realized I had just enough money in my pocket to get you, it was like Fate, or something.

making contingency plans

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, I'm making some contingency plans in case things really go into the crapper here. I may have to get a second (third, maybe, since I'm also helping the ex and taking care of my daughter) job. Under those circumstances, I don't know when I would sleep ... The other thing I can do is figure out where I can save money - without totally sacrificing my dreams of being able to at least be on hormones. "Tight" don't even cover it. Ah, well.

The rug has been pulled out from under us

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, just when things started to go well, my mother got a notice from her bankruptcy lawyer. Apparently, she has not been paying him, nor has she been doing what he told her to do. So now he is suing her to get a garnish on her wages to make her pay. I'm trying to get her to talk to a professional counselor, its clear she's not making good decisions, but I'm not having much luck. She told me the reason why she has kept this from me is because she thought I was too fragile myself until very recently when I started working as Dorothy, by which point it was too late for me to help much.

Added an epilog to "The Verdict of the Phoenix"

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

For those who care about such things, I added a little epilog to the end of "The Verdict of the Phoenix". What's been added doesn't change what went before, but just adds a bit. Thanks to all who have commented.

The Verdict of the Phoenix

The Verdict of the Phoenix

Thanks to Maggie, for giving me permission to include the Spectre. And thanks for Lilith for editing, and for letting me play in the Ret-Con sandbox. But especially thanks to those who read my stuff and keep encouraging me to write anyway.

Public acceptance

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

You know, soon I should stop being surprised I pass. For example, I went to my local mall to print a couple of my stories out at the library (My personal printer has decided to commit suicide). After I was done that, I went to the food court and grabbed a taco salad (I'm slowly teaching my body to enjoy healthy food). A couple of old ladies came up as I was finishing, and asked me for the time, so I got to flash my new watch. Then, when I got home, a young boy asked me to look our front garden for a ball. As far as I could tell, they saw nothing even slightly unusual about me.

I bought a ladies watch last night

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, last night, I gave myself a belated birthday present. I used the gift card my brother had given me for my birthday, and bought myself a ladies watch. I also bought some foundation and cleanser as well. Just wearing the watch last night at work was enough to lighten my spirits considerably. That's a very good thing.

A very quiet night at work last night

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, last night was a quiet one at work. I don't mean we weren't busy, because we were very busy. But because the people I normally talk with during breaks weren't there, and I ended up feeling rather lonely and isolated. Ah, well.

what's in your purse

Here is a quick little game - can you tell what's in your purse, right now, without looking? In mine I have my wallet, keys, a pair of clip-on earrings, an eyeshadow kit with a mirror, a container with 2 types of blush, one tube of lipstick, one tube of lip gloss, and my carry letter. Anyone else want to play?

My mom doesnt handle stress well

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

And her favorite way of dealing with stress tends to be by giving stress to someone else. For example, when my mother woke me up in a panic shortly after I had gotten asleep yesterday to ask me what to do about the dog, and I suggested a vet and went back to bed, Apparently I was supposed to go with her, despite needing my sleep for my night shift. This led her to say there isnt much feminine about me, either now or in the past. Somehow the fact that I held down a job as a nurse's aid for 10 years doesnt count. Ah, well

My dog had to be taken to the vet today

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, my dog had to be taken to the vet today, and it turned out she had an infection in a gland in her rear. She's stuck wearing the cone thing, and will need pain meds for the next ten days, but it could have been worse.

I have no idea what to do with my hair!

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, I think my hair has become the ideal symbol for my in-between gender status. See, I wear a wig when I go out as Dorothy, (although, sometimes, at work, I sweat enough under it to wish I didn't have to) so I don't pay a lot of attention to my natural hair. But, sometimes, I do have to deal with it, as I simply cant seem to manage long (natural) hair, and it ends up looking horrible. But then there comes the quandary - what kind of style and cut should I get? I really hate having a super masculine cut, but can I pull off a more androgynous look around the ex?

possibly my last summer outing with my daughter

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, I had what may turn out to be my last summer outing with my daughter today. We went to "Capital EX" which is a fair and carnival and exposition all rolled into one. We went on a number of rides together, ate junk food, she got a chance to sit in a room full of butterflies, it was a good day. So why do I say it may be my last outing with her? Well, for starters, for the month of August her mother has booked time with her, so that's this summer done.

Lessons from a Park Bench Conversation

Lessons from a Park Bench Conversation

The first thing I noticed, was she had pretty feet. I know, I know, as soon as someone says that, everyone thinks you’re a perv. All you have to do is do a search on “foot fetish” online, and you’ll see stuff that would make your head spin. But I’m not like those dudes. Its just … when a girl has pretty feet, I notice, that’s all.

clearing the runway

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, I'm sort of trying to clear my writing plate of the small stuff, either finishing them or putting them away for now, so I can really focus on the challenges presented by one of my most ambitious projects ever - taking the same event, and tell it from two different points of view, and then ask you, the readers, what you think the truth is. Could be good, could go bad, we'll all have to see together, wont we?

I nearly had an accident yesterday

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, I'm lucky to be among the non-injured. Yesterday, when I was driving home from my work, I started to have trouble staying awake, and came dangerously close to having an accident. Next time, I pull over and have a rest ....

Heads I lose, tails I lose?

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, that's pretty much how I feel right now. I can try to move forward in dealing with my gender issues, and risk losing my daughter, or I can stay as I am, and more than likely suffer a breakdown, eventually. Not long ago, I had a vision of what my future could be like following both of these choices, and both end in despair, with me alone and broken. There just has to be a third choice, I don't believe in the no-win scenario ...

Hit the brick wall running

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

A while ago, I wrote a poem by that name (here is a link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/18355/hit-brick-wall-r... ) Well, right now that's close to how I feel. I think I'm psyching myself up for a charge at that wall, and its going to hurt But I simply don't know what else to do. When I first became honest with myself, and then came out to my family, I felt better. When I got a job as Dorothy I felt much better, and I think I kidded myself into believing I could stay like this - half in each gender. But I can't, not for long.

A rough nite

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Had a rough night, filled with memories of humiliation and despair. The worst thing about those moments is the sense of arousal that often accompanies them. There is some part of me that has learned to enjoy the idea of being used and degraded. I wonder if I'll ever be truly free of it ....

What's next for me, writing wise?

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

If you have asked yourself this question, and even if you havent, here is what may be coming soon from me:

A couple of ret-con projects, both going about the speed of molasses in January....

A fan-fic taking place in the universe of a TV show popular enough to make me intimidated in terms of not wishing to alienate anyone who enjoyed the series .....

A quiet little story that starts with a quiet little conversation in a park and keeps threatening to take a detour into the Twilight Zone .....

I think I figured out what happened yesterday

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, I think I figured out what happened yesterday. I've been dealing with some frustration over not being able to do much to make progress on my gender journey the last couple of days, and then had stuff involving my rape come up both at work and thanks to what I read. The combination was too much, and I (temporary) got overwhelmed. But I'm back on track now.

Guess What?

Guess what?

Author’s note: Randalynn’s story “Surprise!” had a big impact on me, big enough for me to want to make my own in response: For those who wish to read hers first, here is a link:

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/node/1939

Doug:

Guess what?

I’m not dead, after all.

I feel all mixed up (like thats different from my normal?)

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

If there is a record for the fastest one can go from emotionally up to down and back again, I think I must hold it. I was all over the place at work last night, and I don't see any reason why tonight will be any different. Ah, well.

I'm darn sore

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

We've been short staffed at work the last couple of nights, so I've been doing double and triple duty, not only working in my own area, but others as well. I even have helped pull freight off the food truck the last couple of nights. I am darn sore now. can't wait until tomorrow, when I'm off for two days ....

Party Time

Party time

Richard glanced at the calender, and sighed. It was the day before his fortieth birthday, and it was an occasion he dreaded. But not just for the usual reasons - the idea of getting older rarely appealed after twenty five, but for a more complicated reason.

Richard had never really felt “right” as a male. Sadly, it had taken him far too long to realize there was actually something he could had done about that, and so he approached forty no further along toward being a woman than he had at twenty.

Broke my glasses last night.

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Well, I somehow broke my glasses last night. (Or rather, this morning, to be more precise.) I went to move a stray hair from my wig out of my eyes, and next thing I know, out comes my lens and the frame was broken beyond simple repair. I was telling this to someone who was coming in this morning, and said, "Life just seems to like to make things fun for me."

She said, "I wouldn't call breaking your glasses fun."

I said, "Ma'am, after spending 45 years in the wrong gender, I have a pretty good understanding of Life's sense of humor."

Ah, well.

Massive Storm last night.

Author: 

Taxonomy upgrade extras: 

Edmonton isn't known for summer storms, but they do happen, and we had a doozy last night. I was at work, and was working just outside the garden center, when small bits of hail began to fall inside! I moved a couple of pallets out in case they got damaged, and had just completed this little project when the skies opened of, and the roof decided to not do its job. It was like watching a waterfall from behind as the water rushed down into the garden center for at least a half hour straight. I bet they had fun cleaning it up today ....

Pages

Subscribe to Dorothy Colleen