Well, I got most of what i need to do to go back to school done. If I can get my doctor to sign off for me wednsday, I will be as ready to go as I can be. I just wish I felt better, but I was due for a chemical down anyway, so now is as good a time as any, i guess. ah, well.
Well, my visit to the goverment agency went well. I have some paperwork to fill out before i go back in 2 weeks, but i went back to the school to have them fill out their part of my paperwork, and they said the fact that they gave me the papers indicate a high chance that they will end up saying yes. We will see.
Ok, so thats a takeoff of Apocalypse now, but its approprate. This morning, for the 1st time ever, I painted my toenails. Before, I was always too scared to try it. Probably didnt to a great job, especailly since with my big belly its hard to reach my toes at all, lol. Meanwhile, tomorow is the big day. I go to the goverment agency to find out if the will sponcer me to go back to school. pray for me, ok?
Well, The above is a statement I never thought I would say again. I met somebody on a chat room, and she helped me get through the worst of my flashbacks. She knows my gender status, and it doesnt faze her a bit. She is also constantly complimenting me, calling me beautiful, and making me feel special and wanted in a way I have never felt before. I am being careful, trying to take my time and get to know her better, but also trying to enjoy the moment at the same time. We will have to see how it goes.
START THE RAIN
Well, since I started having serious flashbacks, I am also aware of being in a fog mentally. Today, someone was asking me about somethin i said a couple of days ago, and I had no memory of it at all.I also have had no creative abilities at all, been unable to work on my writing. Hopefully the fog lifs soon.
I have really been struggling with flashbacks lately. I was talking on a chat site with someone, and they were flirting, and i really wanted to do something, but as soon as we started talking sexy, i froze up, and started to cry and shake. Since then, I cant seem to get it out of my head. I would like it to stop now.
Just a question for those who identify as cross-dresser. Do you think there is an element of "forbidden fruit" in your desire to cross-dress? I mean, if society had no more problem with a man in a dress than it does with a girl in pants, would it still have the same appeal? Just wondering.
Well, I had a couple of experiances that left me wondering if I will ever belong anywhere. The first happened Sunday morning. I was looking for a accepting church, so a quick search led me to one close, and I went. Now I am not the most conservitive Christian ever, but a church which has a hymn to Gaia just didnt seem like a good fit for me. Then Sunday night, I got into a heated discussion with the other members of the group at Pride, and I left wondering if I can ever belong there either. Ah, well.
well, I went to the school, and told them my story, including the fact that I am tg. They are going to recomend me to the goverment agency that does retraining. I will see them at the end of the month, and if they approve, they will pay for my schooling. I almost cant belive it, everything could really fall into place.
The above is from a sketch from Montey Python. A man wants to change to go swimming on the beach, but every time he starts to get undressed, someone exposes him and he is forced to cover up again. Finally he goes into what looks like a dark room and starts to undress, only to find he is on a stage and stripper music is playing. So he just gives in and goes for it. I kinda feel my transition is like this. I keep wanting to have privacy to make my changes, but i fear i am going to have to "strip" my male self away in public, risking humiliation and abuse. Ah, well.
Well, I learn tomorow if I could get a loan to return to school and take medical administation assistant. Yet, I find myself hesitating. It wouldn't be a bad job, but I cant see how I would transition doing it. You are still in the public eye, and nowhere to hide while making the changes nessasary to live as a woman. On the other hand, the company that does training might be a better fit, but untill I have my appointment with them at the end of the month, I won't know for sure. I could use some wisdom in making a right choice.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
WHEN I HAVE CLOSED MY EYES
SUDDENLY IT HAPPENS
Storms: an angry night
Well, its been a mixed bag emotionaly the last couple of days. First the good news - I gave my mom a card from her daughter, and she seemed to really appreciate it. The bad news was I got into a fight with my ex at her church today. I wore my bracelet, and my daughter noticed it, and my ex insisted i take it off. I refused, and left the church rather than make a scene. As far as I am concerned, thats the last time I will go to that church. There a couple of accepting churches, and I am going to go to one of them instead.
This letter was writen by a friend of mine to a relative
Dear Relative --
You’ve no doubt noticed that I have had a lot of things on my mind lately and that I haven’t been myself for…well, years.
I’ve been trapped in depression and self-loathing for years…all because I took everything that people have dished out at people like myself and internalized it.
The message from school to people like Bernie was made clear. Don’t do that. Don’t act like that. Don’t BE that.
So, I took who I was and buried it for years.
Well, I am still stuck in wait mode. My counsilor got back to me with the name of a company that might help me get training, so I will be calling them monday, but i am having trouble remaining hopeful. I feel like i need to brace myself for the worst, and then if something good happens, it will feel like a bonus.
I was early. I made my way from the entrance of this non-descript building in the industrial sector of town. The door to room said “Group meeting” It also had the building logo on the door, saying that the building was managed by a company called Vision Spring Inc. I filed the name for future reference, and entered.
Just for fun, I thought I would see what my most commented stories are. In order, they are:
The dead kid - 12 comments
Malfuntion! - 9 comments
A perfect opportunity - 8 comments
Grasp the sword tightly - 8 comments
A conversation with mother - 8 comments
The saga of E-Girl - 7 comments
A letter from a broken toy - 7 comments
Dear God - 7 comments
Summer Princess - 7 comments
I woke part 1 - 7 comments
and I woke part 6 - 7 comments.
well, we had a major snowstorm today. Made things intersting at work, as I had to wrangle carts and nearly froze. Meanwhile, I was having a bit of a dilemma with getting cards for mother's day. Its so hard to find one for an ex-wife, but i found one I liked for her. Then I had a real issue for getting one for my mom. Frankly, i wanted to show her i am her daughter, not her son, but I didnt want to spoil things in front of everyone else. I compermised, and got her gender-neutral card, and also got a card from a daughter that i will give her privately as from dorothy.
Well, I am in "wait" mode, waiting for wednesday, when I will hopefully hear back from my counsilor's and maybe, just maybe, be able to fast track my transition. I need a back-up plan in case this doesnt work, so I dont get devestated and just give up hope. Still noodling that idea. meanwhile, I am slowly but surely starting to work on my next piece, but it might take a while. Ah, well.
As a Science Fiction fan, the A B C's stand for (Isaac) Asimov, (Ray) Bradbury, and (Arthur C.) Clarke. I have now done little tributes to Asimov and Bradbury, but havent thought of one for Arthur C. Clarke.
(I can see the scene though . . . "Give me back my male clothes Hal!" "I am afraid I can't do that Dave . . .")
"'Eye for an Eye', and soon the whole world is blind" Gandhi
Two A.M. is the real witching hour. Take, for example one September morning at two. An observer in this particular town might have had their attention drawn to a back alley in a disreputable part of town.
There, in the shadows, there was a door. It looked like a very old door, possibly older than the bricks around it. The observer would have seen black smoke escape from a small space under the door, curling in the night air.
Well, I have some good news. First, I weighed myself today, and I am down to 280 lbs from a high of 310. So thats a start. Also, I got a chance to talk to my counsilor, and she is looking into getting me help to go back to school. If I can, I will be able to get into the fast track in terms of transtioning. Keep a good thought for me, ok?
Well, I had a bit of a rough day at work. It turned out i had not finished a job i was given yesterday, and I got in trouble. I had had a real struggle with it and made the mistake of not telling my supervisor before i left. So before i left, to cheer myself up, I bought a dozen pairs of women's socks, so I can replace my male ones. Then tonight, I stopped at the dollar store and bought a little bracelet and a bottle of lavander body spray. I also arranged to meet the pastor at the church on saturday, so thats done. So I feel better.
Well, i managed to shorten my down cycle by completing my latest story. Be a nice trick if i could do that every time. I had a conversation with my brother about my gender struggle, and he is convinced i use it as some kind of escape, probably because of my rape. Ah, well.
A Perfect Opportunity
Walter Grip woke to hear the song again. He had heard it every night since he came to this town two nights ago. This time, he was determined to follow it to its source.
He put on a heavy coat to protect him from the chilly Martian night air. Stepping out of the hotel he had been staying at, he looked up into the clear night sky and noticed that the blazing Earthstar had risen, and had a moment of silent sadness for his birthplace.
I am a little concerned. I can tell I might be headed for a down. I hope not, I need my energy to figure out my next step, and to make some more stories. Ah, well.
Well, I let my family bully me into getting my hair cut. Even my mom, who I thought was on my side, helped, and in fact provided the money. And they used my daughter to push me too. I gave in, and feel rotten about it. I make myself the promice that this is the last time i am letting them run my life.
When I was a young girl, my granny held me on her knee
She used to tell me stories about our great country
Stories about the riggin’ men and the cowboys true
About the winters so cold, turn your fingers blue
She taught me right from wrong, to be good to everyone
And to never leave a chore alone, until it has been done
Sometimes I could ride a horse, or go in a pickup truck
I thought that nobody else had ever had such luck
She would sing of the river red, and how she would long
For the range, and her man, my granddaddy, who was so strong
Well, I got some good news about my daughter. They did an MRI, and didnt find a growth in her brain, like they feared. They now think it was allergies putting pressure on her brain causing the problems. So she is on allergy meds, and hopefully things are looking up.
Dawn entered her apartment. It was sparse, little more than the size of a hotel suite. It had a tiny kitchen, a bedroom, and a small dining room. She went into the bedroom, sat down at the computer, wiped away a tear, and started to type.
“I should have seen that coming. I bet everyone has said that at least once. Well, sometimes, you are better off not knowing. Take me for example.
Well, my writer's block has ended, and I am back to writing again. Glad thats over, whew! I think I will get a hold of the gender specialist next week, if i can. It feels right.
The room is dark
The music loud
The audience is tense
A woman appears
Takes small steps
Well, it seems like i am stuck, in more ways than one. I have paced the boundries of my cage and cant find an exit anywhere. Without a decent job, i simply cant transition. I cant get a decent job without schooling, and I cant afford schooling (dumb mistakes in my past mean i cant get a loan, either.) Meanwhile, i am also experiancing a lack of movent on the story front. I have about a dozen ideas, but cant seem to put anything together. ah, well.
Mom thought it might be a good idea to write this down, so I could show it to the therapist. I guess that’s ok, and better than having to do some “How I spent my summer” essay for school. I guess there are some advantages to being home schooled, at least for now. My summer started by going to Uncle Mike’s place, because my mom was sick, and she wanted me to have a normal summer for once.
Well, I had a very wierd dream. I was having dinner at a resteraunt on the top floor of this building, and afterward, after i had left, realized i had left behind my brother's guitar. I went to go back up, but was not allowed. So i went around, and joined a tour group walking through the building, hoping to find my way up. I left the group, and found myself in a pool, and someone threw me a pair of trunks, and i realized I was naked. Instead of putting them on, i tied them to my front, because i was wearing a backpack, which covered my rear.
GARDEN OF LOVE/ SCORCHED EARTH
I pass by a garden of love
Once planted and tended by a pair of friends
Now reduced to a tinder
Bare and black with ash
My sincere apoligies to anyone who was offended by my little essay. (Which, judgeing from the responce, was most people who read it). I hoped to get a conversation going on the subject, and boy, did that succeed, but never meant to hurt anybody's feelings. Right now i am debating trying to reword it better, or maybe just dumping it entirely as a bad job. I will think about it for a couple of days, and then decide.
On Cross-dressing and Transgender
There are, in my opinion, a number of levels to cross-dressing and transgendered tendencies. (For the sake of this essay, I will only deal with Male to Female, mostly because that’s the side I know best).
Well, i am feeling better. Finished beating myself up, and picked myself up and got going again. its a marathon, not a sprint, right? Meanwhile I thought you guys and gals would enjoy a sneak peak at some of my upcomming projects
Join Walter on his search for The Perfect Excuse
Where little Luke just needs A Little Nudge
Step into Group Therapy
Spend your vacation with A Summer Princess
Jasmine must deal with A 2nd night in a Small Town
A certain wizard's apprentance pays a vist to The Big Mall
Well, I feel like a coward. I was going to go to my local pride center again tonight as dorothy, but after i got ready, i was overwhelmed by anxiety. I was trying my best to force myself out the door, when I saw a kid go by outside, and just couldnt make myself leave the house dressed. Sorry folks, I feel like i let you guys down, like i am going backward instead of forward. Sigh.
One night in a small town
Its not always easy to be a small town lawyer. Unlike the big city, I actually know most of my clients away from the courthouse, and it can create some very embarrassing moments. But nothing had prepared me for this particular night.
I got a call to come to the jailhouse, and found James Mallery, who was normally a deputy, behind bars. But that wasn’t the most shocking thing. It was how he was dressed. What he was wearing would have looked good at a fancy dress dance, assuming the wearer was a girl.
In a field, there was an oak at one end, and a willow-tree at the other.
Whenever a wind moved through the field, the willow swayed in the wind, while the oak remained unmoved.
When this happened, the willow said to itself, “I wish I was as strong as the Oak, instead of bending over with every breeze“ then one day a large windstorm whipped through the field.
I love the random story generator, its a great way to find stories I had not seen. But I wonder if there could be something for serials as well? just a thought.
Well, I took a plunge yesterday. I finally owned up to the ex what i was feeling and thinking. She is convinced that if i will only pray the right way, allow God to work, that I will be cured of this need to be female. She simply will not listen when I tell her that I have prayed, I have tried, and nothing has changed. So she took me to a friend of hers place, and tried to double team me, but even the friend admitted that they would refuse to hospitilize me to try and cure me of this. The ex wants me to talk to her pastor before taking any steps towards being female, and I said i would.
Memories are made of these
I was having a boring day off, so I decided to go to the mall for a bit. Nearing 40, and a single guy, you would think that I would be out looking for a good time, but for a number of reasons, I just preferred to stay home and watch movies.
So I was headed for my favourite movie store when I spotted a new store called “Memories are made of these”. At first glance, I thought it was maybe a nostalgia store, but peeking inside, it was laid out like a video store.
But not removed
Was remembering something that happened at my daughter's birthday party. We went swimming, and after I had changed into trunks I realized I had to go back out into the public area to get something. Well, I was suddenly struck with a feeling of being indecent, exposed, because I didnt have on a top. Even my daughter commented on it, as if she had expected me to wear one. She sometimes seems to struggle with calling me "Daddy" and sometimes slips and calls me "Mom".
Well, once again, I am reminded not to make decisions when in the middle of a depressive episode. Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to keep writing, I am feeling better emotionally. Besides I have a story to share, and I dont know any group who would "get" it like you guys and gals will, or so I hope.