I am concerned about the portrayal of TG in the media recently. For example, a Canadian Colonel has recently pled guilty of a escalating series of crimes that ended with the rape and murder of two women. But the image that has made the rounds is the man dressed in woman's underwear that he had stolen from women and girls, and his cross-dressing has been played up. Even my mother wondered if he was like me.... It would be wonderful if we could get someone from our community who does something wonderful, that we can show as positive role models. Ah well.
Sometimes, it feels like every bloody day is Halloween for me. I am forced to wear a costume and a mask each and every day. Some days that's okay. I find within me enough masculinity to keep up appearances, and I play my role well. Other days, that mask gets uncomfortable, that costume difficult, and it's all I can do to endure, and pray that someday I will be permitted to be free. Ah, well.
I would like to take a moment to talk about how the story "Choices" evolved. Like some other ideas i have had, this one came to me while I was struggling to sleep, and originally, it was a lot darker.
At the time, it was going to be about a straight male who is presented with horrible choices, of which slowly transforming into a woman is the least objectionable to him, even though he is not transgendered. Everyone believes this transformation is his own idea, and is totally supportive, which he finds frustrating.
I thought I might give a sneak peek at an upcoming story I am working on. It takes place in the "Wild Cards" universe. For those who may not know what that is, it is a "Shared universe" series, created and edited by George R.R. Martin. The idea of the series is that a virus comes to earth, turning people into either superheroes or monsters. I am just getting started, so its going to take a bit.
Despite having a tough day at work, mostly frustration over being given a job but not given the tools to do it, and being asked to do several jobs not actually part of what my assignment is supposed to be, then criticized for taking longer than expected (which was darn short even if I could have focused on the one task), I actually feel better. I focused on the fact I was able to go out as Dorothy to a restaurant on Sunday for brunch with other TS girls, and giggled listening to stories about some of the more humorous comments made to some of the girls.
Last week, I bought a wig, and I think the experience symbolizes everything I struggle with trying to be female. Having virtually no money, I bought a Halloween wig from the discount bin at my work. Like buying my makeup at the dollar store, it was about getting my feet wet and trying to keep moving forward, but because of the fact I had to buy the lowest end items, the end result falls far short of what it would take for me to look half-way presentable, much less "pretty".
I would like to encourage the creation of a writer's challenge for TG day of Remembrance (Nov. 20). My idea would be positive stories of overcoming discrimination, abuse, or self-hatred. What do you guys and gals think?
I thought in honor of Halloween, I would share the lyrics of one of my favorite Halloween songs,
Howl at the moon (By Klaatu)
She was a sleek and slender enchantress
I'd met in the Casbah
When her green eyes first met mine
I was overwhelmed with awe
Well we dance all night to the tango
And she lured me with her charms
As the band played how I prayed
I'd awaken in her arms
But when I howled at the moon
I know something was wrong
She had me in a spell
And I knew it wouldn't be too long
Before I'd end up
Before I'd end up here in a prison cell
(From Part 3)
“You are not facing this alone. Just accept that I am coming with you.”
“Now, do you have any idea where to start?”
“If this is connected with Alex, we need to go to the house he lived in.”
“What a way to spend Halloween. Looking for a ghost.”
“Up to you, you can sit this out, I wont think the less of you.”
“Not on your life. Tonight, we go ghost-busting.”
Choices (part 3)
(from part 2)
Finally, I got out of my dress, and slipped into one of my new nightgowns, and went to bed. I slept fitfully. I had no clue then that this nightmare had just begun, and soon my fellow students would have their turn facing this horror. The worst was yet to come…..
Had a horrible night last night, and got no sleep. I am not sure how best to describe it, but its sort of like this: Imagine having the sex drive of a typical teenage boy, but instead of having a nightly fantasy of poking one's peter into the nearest available hole, there is a terrible emptiness the needs, craves, demands to be filled. I don't know if that's how genetic girls feel arousal, but that's how I experience it.
(from part 1)
“Now I have a serious question. Have you ever told anybody before me?”
“I…I only ever told one other person.”
“Good. Lets start with him then.”
“We can’t. He was a friend of my brothers, but …“
“But what? Why can’t we see him?“
“He died last year….”
I fear i cannot keep simply drifting along, just letting my life happen. Writing my latest piece "choices", has really brought things to a head. Instead of being a release, it has opened up a Pandora's box of feelings, and I don't know how to survive it's contents. And yet, no matter what course I chart, I will suffer losses so large I can barely cope with contemplating them, much less face the reality. I am breaking in pieces, and i have no idea if i can survive long enough to glue them back together again. If you are of the praying kind, a prayer for me would be appreciated.
Last night, I had a odd dream.
I had gotten a job as a security guard, and someone i knew from my real life job gave me a lift to a bus stop.
The bus turned out to not stop there, but I figured I could walk to somewhere where I could make a connection.
I then found myself cutting through a small shopping center, and my daughter appeared, and I had to cut her looking around short in order to try and catch a bus.
I have been working on a little ghost story, although I don't think it will be done in time for the halloween contest. But even though I only have got about 2,000 words done, I found myself with a bit of a cliffhanger, a great spot to leave readers as the end of a chapter. Your opinion, publish it here, or not?
I seem to be consciously and unconsciously trying to out myself. Yesterday, I was playing Wii with my daughter when she realized my character's name, and asked "Dorothy?" I just passed it off as just the name of my character, and she accepted that. I keep this up and I will be out long before I am ready.
After I heard the news about Graham James, the hockey coach accused of abusing children who played for him, I really struggled with anger and depression. That this man was convicted, but still allowed to leave the country. really makes me feel like the authorities still don't take abuse seriously. Is there ever going to be justice for all those who were like me? How do I live with the fact my rapist never had to face punishment for what he did to me?
I am working on a new story, and I could go in two directions - I could do a "G to PG" version, or I could make it raw and go for a "R" or even an "X". which version would you recommend?
I would like to encourage people to go back to old stories and leave kudos. There are a lot of great stores that back when there was votes had received a lot of votes, and deserve all the kudos they can get. (not to be selfish, but a few bones thrown at my stuff would be nice...)
Well, today was a better day. Not only did I not have to work, and thus got a few things done that have been hanging over my head, but because my mom was home too, I was able to go to the transgender support group meeting (I had to smuggle out my Dorothy outfit and change there, but still) It felt good to be with the girls (and guys). I think I really really needed that right now.
Today was National Coming Out Day - A day to increase awareness of GLBTG issues. But until I happened to catch MSNBC, I had no idea about it. I wonder, did anyone do anything in relation to this celebration?
Had a horrible night last night. woke up a couple of times banging my head on the wall. Then, in the morning, when my little dog jumped up on the bed to great me, or so I thought, when I noticed that she had started licking my sheets, and I realized that the reason why was that I had apparently bleed during the night (not the first time that's happened.) Ah, well, can't do much about it.
I don't know if you have ever bought an item, taken it out of its box, and then try to put it back in, only to find it just doesn't fit and in fact you can't see how they ever got it in there in the first place? Well, I kinda feel like that. I had a good day as Dorothy Friday, but I found I really crashed after I had to go back to male mode. Meanwhile, at least I am back to writing again, as my last parody piece showed, which is good news. I have an idea for a different kind of haunted house story, but I doubt very much I can get it done in time for the Halloween contest, but ah, well.
What do you want to be?
(based on the Adam Lambert song “What do you want from me?”
Hay, stop with the frown
What do you want to be ?
What do you want to be?
Don’t, be afraid,
well, I go back to the psychiatrist tomorrow for an update on the meds he gave me. I am up to 2 pills a day, and honestly, I cant feel any difference. Ah, well, at least I get a couple of hours as Dorothy. Which I really, really need badly.
Well, after my encounter with the woman at the wiener roast on Sunday, I found myself really struggling with anger with God. Fortunately, I was working Monday with a woman who I have shared my story with, and I was able to vent, and I feel better for it.
I sometimes wonder if I am actually making any progress, or if I am just going around in circles. I feel like a mental conjoined twin - one side is female, the other is male, but neither can really live without the other. After having my male side resurface, I am back to having sleepless nights and fevered prayers to finally be at peace. But I have patrolled the limits of my cage, and I simply do not see any exits. I went to a wiener roast at my church's pastor's new place yesterday, and one of the women there insisted that one day soon I would be sharing my story in public.
Words will never hurt me ….
Words will never hurt me, that’s what they always say
But words still carry a price, and I don’t want to pay
Like “it” is a name some give me, like I am not even real
I swallow the word, though it chokes me, I don’t know how to deal
“Sin” is what some call my journey, like I ever had a choice
And the pounding from the pulpit, drowns out my forlorn voice
“Sissy” is a favorite word for some to use, it covers lots of ground
Gives such an excuse to flex a muscle, and look for someone to pound
Had a very sad moment with my daughter tonight. She sometimes slips and uses female pronouns for me, and she actually wondered out loud today why she does that. It took every bit of self control I possessed not to tell her why I think she does it. I am breaking apart here.
I dont know if its because i have been working too much or what, but it feels like my creative well has run dry. I hope this doesnt last.
here is a really sad video about a tg girl who was murdered.
Well, I am really up against some hard choices. I let slip my trans status to a couple of co-workers, and I had a amazing response - My blood pressure, which was high, dropped, and my cluster headache went away. Then today, as I had to go back into hiding, the headache came back and my bp went back up. So I finally realize the truth - i either live honestly, and suffer the consequences, or I keep myself in the closet, and risk a serious health problem. Pray I make the wisest choice.
I feel like I am running of fumes, trying to hold on by hook and by crook until I get some help. I feel like I am fading, and I honestly don't know what I can do now.
Well, my Amanda Waller story has been delayed. I let Lilith have a peek at what I had written, and it needs a serious re-write. Ah, well.
I was thinking this morning, and wondering why the ret-con stories are so popular, and why so many of us seem to love comic books. Well, I cant speak for anyone else, but for me, i have realized i have something in common with most super heroes, and thats the fact that I too, have a secret identity. Just like most heroes have to hide their true selves, I also have to keep my true self a secret. The difference is where most heroes don't want or plan to integrate their 2 sides, I hope someday that I will be able to take off my mask, and show my real self to the world.
I may have mentioned, I occasionally have odd little visions of the future. Like last sunday, at church, before anybody could say what type of service we were having, I knew it was going to be a healing service. This worries me on occasion, because I often don't know what they mean until the actual event. It's a little difficult, at times. ah, well.
Well, its two weeks to go before I see the psychologist. Of course the first session will be all "intake" so it will be even longer before he decides how to help me. Ah, well.
Taken from the files of Department "H":
Known meta-humans living in Canada:
Name: Dr. Jamie Hudson Code Name: none Age: 25 Powers: Heightened Intelligence, ability to control machines and metal
Name: Wanda Langowski Code Name: Sasquatch Age: 19 Powers: Transforms into a 7 foot tall, 400 lbs creature. In this form able to lift 10 tons, has razor-sharp claws capable of cutting through steel.
I just want to re-assure anyone worried about my take on Amanda Waller, she will not end up in a silly costume, and her abilities will not exceed human. Meanwhile, I have had a couple of dreams recently where its clear I am fully female. I think that's a good sign.
well, the ex apologized and that is good. Unfortunately, yesterday, i got hurt badly at work, and i an still recovering. I pulled muscles in my chest, and it was so bad i had trouble breathing. My supervisor had me lie down in the first aide room for a half hour, and i was on light duty the rest of the day. Today I am doing better, but it was still scary
Well, i think my ex is losing it. I was helping her tonight like I always do, and she asked me to write a letter for my daughter's new teacher at school. I agreed, and I started writing it. She was dictating to me, and i tried to make a suggestion about some words, and she completely lost it. She starting swearing at me, and told me I have nothing to do with my daughter's future. I am hurt, angry, and ready to do something drastic.
I think I should try and explain about my latest piece, "missing". Its actually not that recent, probably more than a year old. I have hesitated to share it because its not an easy piece, and I feared that it would be misunderstood. Its my rather faulting attempt to describe what might happen if the Rapture occurs in my lifetime. It is an attempt to describe both the sadness those who might miss me, with the joy I would know at that moment. Hugs to all who worried about me, I am not planning on leaving anytime soon, although God might have other plans.....
I leave behind the usual clutter
Of unfinished business,
Regrets, and roads not taken in life
I also leave my heart poured out on paper
Undiscovered glimpses of my life
To be enjoyed by any who find them good
Or perhaps to be ridiculed,
As being to soft and light for the modern world
Whatever the fate of my work,
It seems petty, in the face of the poetry
Of my true and final resting place
I say now to those who might care for me
“Do not look for me in the harsh lights of the city
Nor in the cool foothills of the mountains
I have gone home to stay”
Well, i am working on my Amanda Waller story, and a little bit stuck. What i need is a way to get from Amanda coming back home for the first time after her transformation, to fighting a local gang, who will be led by a name that might be familier to comic book readers, - Tombstone. Wish me luck.
I had a dream a couple of days ago that, to me, shows how far my integration of my female side has become. The details of the dream are not important, but one thing stood out - I was female. Now, mostly before I couldnt see myself in my dreams - I couldnt have told you if i was male or female, or what I was wearing. So the fact that I knew i was female, in public, and nobody seemed to notice that being different says something to me.
Just some questions for the writers in the ret-con universe: What impact on society and pop culture would you think the appearance of super-heroes and villains have? Would regular people be afraid of them, like in the X-men comics, or would they become celebrities, with fan clubs and paparazzi and reality shows? what effect would it have on fictional movies, shows, and comics? What would other countries think about the U.S. deliberately creating a super hero in American Dream? Would that set off an "arms race" as what happened with the A-bomb?
Sometimes, I feel like God is teasing me. Something that would lead me out of my current dilemma appears, like this job offer, but as soon as I reach for it, it gets taken away, leaving me worse off than if I had had no hope to begin with. I am really struggling with anger with God at the moment. Ah, well. Guess that teaches me to hope for anything but death as a solution..
Soon, its going to be the transgender day of remembrance. What should we do to commemorate that here?