Dorothy Colleen

Well, this isnt working out according to plan

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Well, today is not going well. I had the idea of creating a little Spells R Us story, something light and fluffy and full of wish-fulfillment. So I started with the simple idea of me (with a different name, but me, nevertheless) running into the Wizard. Unfortunately, its not going according to plan. I may end up with the most depressing SRU story in history ....

Ah, well.

fighting off PTSD

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I woke up a bit shaky today, with flashbacks coming on and off all day, but I managed to keep my head, and focused on things like my little dog. Then this evening I decided I should write a letter to my step-father, since most of my flashbacks today were about him. I may publish it, I don't know yet. Anyway, the day ended on a good note with my daughter coming over. We took the dog for a walk, and ran into a huge desert tortoise being walked by its owner. My dog actually didn't mind the creature, and gave it a good sniff on its behind like it was a fellow dog.

I've got a silly little dog

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This morning, I was using my electric shaver to remove the hair from my arms, legs, and chest when my dog decided she needed to investigate the noise. You'd think a dog would be scared of a shaver, but she seemed to think I needed comforting during the procedure, as she nuzzled me as I worked to remove my hair. I love my little dog.

Pink Daze

Pink Daze

“Mom! My shirt turned pink in the wash!”

“Oh dear. Well, you can wear it anyway.”

“Are you nuts? I hate pink!”

“Its just a color. Honestly, dear, nothing to get so upset about.”

“But my friends would laugh at me, mom.”

“You’ve got to be exaggerating. Nobody would laugh at you.”

“You don’t know anything!”

about my last couple of pieces

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I wanted to take a moment to talk about my last couple of pieces. First, to put "Night Entries" to bed, I wanted to mention that its sort of Maeryn's fault. I was reading her story "Trick of the Mind.", and I kept seeing the little blerb at the start saying it was for the challenge "Written from the heart." I started thinking - what if I wrote something from the heart? What would it look like? And then the idea of an autobiography just seemed to fall into place. Then I made the choice to write it like I had a diary in those days, and the story flowed from there.

Little bit down

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Well, I was a little bit down when I woke this morning. I struggled with the questions; "What am I doing this for? If I can't be female between my legs, what's the point?" I felt like "I'm going to die a freak, no matter what" I'm doing a bit better now, thanks to my friend Kylie, but those feelings are still there to some extent. Pray for me.

Not the best day I've had

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Well, today was not one of my better days. First, I went to go to the local library to get some stuff printed out, I decided to go in male mode because later I would have to pick up my ex, and I didn't feel like having to change in hurry when I came home. As it happened, it was a good thing I did, because I actually ran into my ex and my daughter in the mall. My ex was buying my daughter a small fish, so that's why they were there.

On Magically Changing Genders

On Magically Changing Genders

Poof! You’ve just magically changed genders. What’s next? Well, what happens next can vary a lot, depending on a number of factors. (For the purposes of this essay, we will only deal with male to female transformations). First, did you want this to happen? If you were a typical guy, and happy being one, this transformation represents the biggest challenge of your life.

Drowning out "The Voice"

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Last night, I ended up spending most of my shift dealing with "The Voice." Some people probably have heard "The Voice" - its the one that tells you that you are not enough - not good enough, not smart enough, in every aspect of your life, you're not enough. Pray I can drown it out, before I start feeling like I should apologize for taking up space and breathing valuable oxygen....

Having to make a choice

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I have to make a decision, and I need help. See, I started working on a Ret-con origin for Commander Steel, and I came up with a unique way of dealing with the cyborg aspects of his story - without making tech that would be difficult to explain. But Lilith said it didn't really work for that universe. So the question is, do I drop that aspect, and try something else, or should i make the story not a part of that universe and keep the idea, cause its interesting? What do you guys think?

Night Entries, Chapter 4

Night Entries; Chapter 4

Here is the last chapter of "Night Entries". It doesn't have the tough stuff of the earlier ones, and it ends on a hopeful note. Thanks to all those who read and commented.

Well, we’re home, sort of. Trouble is, our house has been rented out, so we cant actually live there. For now we are in a motel, doesn’t that sound like fun? I have to spend like a hour on the bus to get to school, but oh well.

****

Night Entries, Chapter 3

Night Entries, Chapter 3.

Well, we are back home. Mom somehow found us, and told us to come home. We did, lacking anywhere else to go. I hope things are going to be alright. I feel so helpless.

*****

Its kinda funny around here now. Its like we all made this unspoken agreement to not mention what happened, but to go on as though life was perfectly normal. My step-dad actually seems a little wary of my brother, so maybe that’s what we’ve needed to do all along - kick his butt, and then he’d leave us alone.

*****

Just Swimmingly

Just Swimmingly

Mary reached the door of the change room, and hesitated. She stood there, rocking back and forth from one foot to the other for several minutes before Alice came up and took her hand.

"What's wrong, hon?" Alice asked.

"I can't. They'll all see ...." Mary said.

"They wont notice a thing. Come on. "

Finally, Alice took Mary's hand, and led her into the change room. Once inside, Alice began taking of her street clothes, while Mary watched. Alice looked at her, and said, "what, hon?"

Night Entries, Chapter 2

Night Entries, Chapter 2:

This is intense stuff, people. Read with caution, and as always, comments are appreciated.

I couldn’t go through with it. I’m such a coward. I guess I have no choice but to keep on going, even if life makes no sense. I can only hope its a short life, since there doesn’t seem to be any hope for me.

******

tough stuff to wade through

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Those of you who have read chapter one of Night Entries can see this is not easy stuff for me to re-live. I can only assure you all that there will be some nice moments, but we have to get through the dark stuff first. Keep holding on to me, we'll all get through it together....

Night Entries, chapter 1

Night Entries, Chapter 1

Author's note. This is based on my actual experiences. It contains frank discussions of sexual abuse and an attempted suicide. Please take care reading.

Dear Diary;

This is my first entry in any diary, ever. So I really hope I’m doing this right. When I saw you, diary, sitting in a discount bin, and I realized I had just enough money in my pocket to get you, it was like Fate, or something.

making contingency plans

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Well, I'm making some contingency plans in case things really go into the crapper here. I may have to get a second (third, maybe, since I'm also helping the ex and taking care of my daughter) job. Under those circumstances, I don't know when I would sleep ... The other thing I can do is figure out where I can save money - without totally sacrificing my dreams of being able to at least be on hormones. "Tight" don't even cover it. Ah, well.

The rug has been pulled out from under us

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Well, just when things started to go well, my mother got a notice from her bankruptcy lawyer. Apparently, she has not been paying him, nor has she been doing what he told her to do. So now he is suing her to get a garnish on her wages to make her pay. I'm trying to get her to talk to a professional counselor, its clear she's not making good decisions, but I'm not having much luck. She told me the reason why she has kept this from me is because she thought I was too fragile myself until very recently when I started working as Dorothy, by which point it was too late for me to help much.

Added an epilog to "The Verdict of the Phoenix"

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For those who care about such things, I added a little epilog to the end of "The Verdict of the Phoenix". What's been added doesn't change what went before, but just adds a bit. Thanks to all who have commented.

The Verdict of the Phoenix

The Verdict of the Phoenix

Thanks to Maggie, for giving me permission to include the Spectre. And thanks for Lilith for editing, and for letting me play in the Ret-Con sandbox. But especially thanks to those who read my stuff and keep encouraging me to write anyway.

Public acceptance

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You know, soon I should stop being surprised I pass. For example, I went to my local mall to print a couple of my stories out at the library (My personal printer has decided to commit suicide). After I was done that, I went to the food court and grabbed a taco salad (I'm slowly teaching my body to enjoy healthy food). A couple of old ladies came up as I was finishing, and asked me for the time, so I got to flash my new watch. Then, when I got home, a young boy asked me to look our front garden for a ball. As far as I could tell, they saw nothing even slightly unusual about me.

I bought a ladies watch last night

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Well, last night, I gave myself a belated birthday present. I used the gift card my brother had given me for my birthday, and bought myself a ladies watch. I also bought some foundation and cleanser as well. Just wearing the watch last night at work was enough to lighten my spirits considerably. That's a very good thing.

A very quiet night at work last night

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Well, last night was a quiet one at work. I don't mean we weren't busy, because we were very busy. But because the people I normally talk with during breaks weren't there, and I ended up feeling rather lonely and isolated. Ah, well.

what's in your purse

Here is a quick little game - can you tell what's in your purse, right now, without looking? In mine I have my wallet, keys, a pair of clip-on earrings, an eyeshadow kit with a mirror, a container with 2 types of blush, one tube of lipstick, one tube of lip gloss, and my carry letter. Anyone else want to play?

My mom doesnt handle stress well

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And her favorite way of dealing with stress tends to be by giving stress to someone else. For example, when my mother woke me up in a panic shortly after I had gotten asleep yesterday to ask me what to do about the dog, and I suggested a vet and went back to bed, Apparently I was supposed to go with her, despite needing my sleep for my night shift. This led her to say there isnt much feminine about me, either now or in the past. Somehow the fact that I held down a job as a nurse's aid for 10 years doesnt count. Ah, well

My dog had to be taken to the vet today

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Well, my dog had to be taken to the vet today, and it turned out she had an infection in a gland in her rear. She's stuck wearing the cone thing, and will need pain meds for the next ten days, but it could have been worse.

I have no idea what to do with my hair!

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Well, I think my hair has become the ideal symbol for my in-between gender status. See, I wear a wig when I go out as Dorothy, (although, sometimes, at work, I sweat enough under it to wish I didn't have to) so I don't pay a lot of attention to my natural hair. But, sometimes, I do have to deal with it, as I simply cant seem to manage long (natural) hair, and it ends up looking horrible. But then there comes the quandary - what kind of style and cut should I get? I really hate having a super masculine cut, but can I pull off a more androgynous look around the ex?

possibly my last summer outing with my daughter

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Well, I had what may turn out to be my last summer outing with my daughter today. We went to "Capital EX" which is a fair and carnival and exposition all rolled into one. We went on a number of rides together, ate junk food, she got a chance to sit in a room full of butterflies, it was a good day. So why do I say it may be my last outing with her? Well, for starters, for the month of August her mother has booked time with her, so that's this summer done.

Lessons from a Park Bench Conversation

Lessons from a Park Bench Conversation

The first thing I noticed, was she had pretty feet. I know, I know, as soon as someone says that, everyone thinks you’re a perv. All you have to do is do a search on “foot fetish” online, and you’ll see stuff that would make your head spin. But I’m not like those dudes. Its just … when a girl has pretty feet, I notice, that’s all.

clearing the runway

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Well, I'm sort of trying to clear my writing plate of the small stuff, either finishing them or putting them away for now, so I can really focus on the challenges presented by one of my most ambitious projects ever - taking the same event, and tell it from two different points of view, and then ask you, the readers, what you think the truth is. Could be good, could go bad, we'll all have to see together, wont we?

I nearly had an accident yesterday

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Well, I'm lucky to be among the non-injured. Yesterday, when I was driving home from my work, I started to have trouble staying awake, and came dangerously close to having an accident. Next time, I pull over and have a rest ....

Heads I lose, tails I lose?

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Well, that's pretty much how I feel right now. I can try to move forward in dealing with my gender issues, and risk losing my daughter, or I can stay as I am, and more than likely suffer a breakdown, eventually. Not long ago, I had a vision of what my future could be like following both of these choices, and both end in despair, with me alone and broken. There just has to be a third choice, I don't believe in the no-win scenario ...

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