Dorothy Colleen

interviewed in boy mode

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Well, I had the interview, and I think it went okay. I went in boy mode, and didn't mention transitioning, though, and part of me hates myself for that. I hate having to hide, it feels like lying, but I need the income if I am going to make anything happen, and maybe if I get the job, and I prove myself, I can then bring up the subject and have some hope for it.

Lack of a father as a cause for TG?

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Well, I had an interesting conversation with my sister-in-law today. She believes that the main causes of my trans issues is my rape and the lack of a good male role model in my life. I think I have dealt with my rape enough to be sure that it would have made no difference if I had not been raped, but what about the lack of a father figure? Is there a connection between being trans and not having a good male or (in the case of transmen), a good female role model? Opinions?

My mother's tears

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Well, I managed to make my mother cry last night. She had gone to bed, but woke up at about 130 when she realized I was still up. She got very upset, and told me I was sabotaging my life, that I didn't care about her or my daughter. It has really set my mood back.

"Jane, stop this crazy thing!"

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The above quote is from the old cartoon, "The Jetsons". As the end credits rolled, the main character would get on a treadmill, only to have it go completely out of control. I feel a bit like that. I am running my heart out just to stay in the same place, and ever once in a while, I slide under, get crumpled, and then spat back out to start running again. And the idea of actually getting any traction seems like a no-go. But I wont stop. I will keep fighting, keep trying to find a way to be Dorothy full time. Thanks again to "Team Dorothy" who have picked me up and put me back on track.

"optimism is a survival trait "

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Well, thanks to some wonderful people (you know who you are) I have survived my down, and am headed up. You know, I should make a poster that says "I am NOT worthless, a loser, or a joke! I am valued, loved, and created for a purpose!" in case I forget again. I would like to say I wont hear that voice telling me how horrible I am again, but hopefully, I can get better at tuning it out.

Moved by "Case Closed"

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There are occasionally, stories one shouldn't read in certain moods. I loved it, but Randalynn's story "Case Closed" hit me hard. The trouble i have is how much I feel like Paul:

"what do I have to look forward to? Years stretching ahead of me, all alone and in pain, tormented by all the real people? That’s the clarity you gave me this morning, by the way. I know now that I can’t be anything but what I am — the human joke. It’s not going to change.”

“You could — ”

posting ret-con stories elsewhere

I happened to notice that Stanman has posted a couple of his contributions to the ret-con universe on fictionmania, and I was wondering if I should do that. My last phoenix story may be the best thing I have written to date, and sharing it elsewhere seems like a good idea. But without the context of the other stories, it might not have the same impact. What do you guys think?

I shold know not to get my hopes up

Well, I should know better than to get my hopes too high. I had gotten a call from the manager at the restaurant that is in my old work, and made the assumption she was interested in hiring me. Since she had talked about it before, and already said she would have had no problem with me being Dorothy if it was up to her, I started to have dreams of being able to be a waitress. Of course, I was wrong, and she just wanted to pass on a lead she gotten from a customer. Nice of her, I know, but not what I was hoping for. Ah, well.

laughing so hard it hurts

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When we say something is "hysterical" we usually mean that's a good thing. But sometimes, I think laughter can lead to hysteria in the sense of a loss of control. At least I think thats what happened to me last night. I was talking with my girlfriend Kylie, and I started laughing, until I was in pain, having trouble breathing, and yet being unable to stop. I'm not sure what that means.

Three Days in Heaven

Three days in heaven

For three days,

I was myself

A woman

Accepted

“Just one of the girls”

I was called by my real name

I held down a job

I was whole,

At last

Then the door closed

And now

I am back to where I was

having to hide

and pretend I am a man.

With no choice

but to stagger along

With only the memory

Of three days in Heaven

To sustain me.

trying to keep positive

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Well, I am trying to keep a positive attitude about my brief experience in the workforce as Dorothy. It was good for me to be me in a RL situation, something I can try and build on if I find another place accepting enough to let me be myself. I just don't know how realistic that actually is. I have so few skills, I feel like some grunt job is my best option, and those are not usually flexible. Ah, well.

Borrowing a quote from "You meant it for evil"

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I read this quote from the latest chapter of "You meant it for evil" and It just describes the choice of transition for me perfectly:

 

“What happened to you is a dream come true for someone with a mind like yours. Reality for most people like you is harder and sadly, with the intolerance of society, born to some degree from the way most of us are put together, ends up being a decision between two bad choices. Either hide who you are inside and pretend to fit in or make the change and live with the consequences."

 

well, that was fun while it lasted.....

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Well, the job is done. I thought they would give me the whole 2 weeks to try it, but they decided I just wasnt aggressive enough to be able to do it. On the one hand, I am pretty upset about that, but I am trying to focus on the positive. I got a chance to try out being Dorothy in a real-life situation, and didn't do all that badly. But now, the hard part. I will probably have to file Dorothy away and look for a job as Todd. Ah, well.

Living 2 lives

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Well, two days into the new job, and I am not sure about how long it will last. The pressure to sell is amazing, and I just dont have the way with jokes that some of the others do. Plus, I am dealing with having to do a quick-change before I go home - putting my Dorothy clothes in a bag and putting on male ones. The clothes are a symptom of the fact I am currently living 2 lives.

my first day on the job

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Well, I finished my 1st day of work as Dorothy. The good news is that my trans status mattered not at all. After the morning meeting, nobody failed to call me Dorothy, and a couple of girls walked with me to a coffee place for lunch, and obviously had no problem being seen with me. The only bad news is that the job is rather stressful, insofar that you are under some pressure to make sales. Keep praying for me.

forced feminization, with a twist

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I got a chance yesterday to talk with a female-to-male trans person, and the story of his early life reminded me of many "forced feminization" stories. His parents were Mormons, and forced him to wear super feminine clothes at all times. It could only be described as a form of torture. One more reason why I find it hard to read those types of stories anymore....

A night out to celebrate

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Well, last night I got a chance to celebrate my upcoming job with the local tg group. Everyone was, of course, thrilled for me, and several took the time to calm my nervousness by telling me they can see my growing confidence in terms of portraying a run-of-the-mill woman. (As opposed to me feeling like a I looked like a man in drag) Still got a lot of butterflies in my tummy though. A prayer for me about Monday would be appreciated.

The Lucky One (Part 4)

The Lucky One, Part 4

(Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, and all beings in between, this is the conclusion of the exciting origin of the Fantastic Fluke, “the luckiest person alive.” Without further ado, let's join today's adventure, already in progress....)

It was a dark and stormy night....

(Umm, Fluke? Dot here. Just what are you doing?)

(I got bored waiting for you, so I thought I would get started without you)

(Fluke, leave the writing to professionals, okay?)

(Fine. Should we catch every body up)

fashion and makeup advice

You know, in a lot of TG stories, a MTF person has amazing fashion sense, even before they transition. But myself, I am less than an expert. Because I hated myself for wanting to be a woman, I avoided fashion mags. So now, I feel rather stunted in terms of fashion and makeup. Where is a good place to learn the basics?

Revising "Trial of the Phoenix"

My muse has been bugging me about my story "Trial of the Phoenix". What seems to be coming to my mind is either the beginning of a new story, or an epilogue to that one. The question I have is, which would you do if it was your story? Add to the current story, or start another?

My store may be gone

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Well, it looks like my store may be sold. The US based chain "Target" has been exploring coming to Canada, and is in the process of buying several stores belonging to our chain, and it looks like ours is one of them. If it happens all the employees will be laid off, and have to either apply with they new company, or at other locations of our current one. I hope I am gone before that happens.

mild rant

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Well, this is a mild rant. I dont talk much about politics, mostly because this site isnt the place for it, and in any case, no non-canadian would have a clue what I am talking about. But for the last while, the ruling party has been running attack ads on the leader of the main opposition party. Problem with that is, no election has been called, and there may not be one for a year or more. By then, I may throw my tv out the window rather than look at another one of these ads....

we interrupt your regularly scheduled blog....

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For a special bulletin. This is your all time favorite super-heroine, The Fantastic Fluke, coming to you live from an alternate dimension! I have "borrowed" Dorothy's blog to let you know I am working with her on the final chapter of my amazing origin! Look for it soon, and stay sexy, everybody!

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