Dorothy Colleen

Broke my glasses last night.

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Well, I somehow broke my glasses last night. (Or rather, this morning, to be more precise.) I went to move a stray hair from my wig out of my eyes, and next thing I know, out comes my lens and the frame was broken beyond simple repair. I was telling this to someone who was coming in this morning, and said, "Life just seems to like to make things fun for me."

She said, "I wouldn't call breaking your glasses fun."

I said, "Ma'am, after spending 45 years in the wrong gender, I have a pretty good understanding of Life's sense of humor."

Ah, well.

Massive Storm last night.

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Edmonton isn't known for summer storms, but they do happen, and we had a doozy last night. I was at work, and was working just outside the garden center, when small bits of hail began to fall inside! I moved a couple of pallets out in case they got damaged, and had just completed this little project when the skies opened of, and the roof decided to not do its job. It was like watching a waterfall from behind as the water rushed down into the garden center for at least a half hour straight. I bet they had fun cleaning it up today ....

Wore myself out.

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Well, I managed to wear myself out yesterday/ Took my daughter to a local pool. They have not only a wave pool, but they have this section that's set up like a rapid, and I think we broke a record for how many times we went around on it. Other than not being allowed to show any signs of my progress toward womanhood, it was a good day.

my birthday ended on a down note

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Well, my birthday ended on a down note. That night, as my shift started, the acting manager announced another girl's birthday, and it was clear she either didn't know or forgot it was mine too. So I spoke up, and said it was mine as well. She then said to everyone "Happy birthday to Todd, its HIS birthday too."

For some reason, that upset me a lot.

Happy birthday to me.

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Well, I turned 45 this morning while at work. Its going to be a quiet day, sleeping and then going to work, so nothing much for a birthday. Doing a supper with my brother and sister in law tomorrow, and plan to be in my best skirt for the occasion, especially since I will have to leave from the restaurant and go to work. My brother and sister in law wont approve, but frankly, I don't care.

Being able to state my own case

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Well, I'm going to have a chance to make a case for starting hormones sooner than I thought. I'll be seeing the gender specialist's assistant on Tuesday, and hopefully, I'll be able to persuade her to get me started right away.

Setback

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Well, I've had a bit of a setback. I phoned the gender specialist's office, and found out that I don't yet have an appointment to get my blood tested to start female hormones. Apparently, there is some question as to whether just going to work as Dorothy qualifies as a real life test or not. (Why this matters, I don't know, but there you are.) So now I have to wait and hear back from the specialist, or maybe I'll be waiting until I see him again in December to find out if I can start them anyway. ... Sigh.

replacing my cards

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Well, I spent yesterday getting started on replacing all my cards and identifications. First, I was able to get a new health card sent to me after answering enough questions to prove I'm me. (For non-Canadians, this little card basically allows me to access, free of charge most services at hospitals and doctor's offices.) Then, I was able to get a temporary driver's license and a permanent one will come later. I have some things left to do, including getting a copy of my birth certificate so I can get a new social insurance card, but its good to get the process rolling.

Freaking out my daughter

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Well, If I needed any proof that my daughter isnt ready for me to be out with her as Dorothy, yesterday provided it. I had woken up at 330 pm in a panic, thinking I had forgotten to pick her up from school. I hurriedly put on a t-shirt and shorts and ran out to the school, only to find her gone, picked up by my mother, who had told me she would before I went to sleep, only I had forgotten. So I went home, and they came home right after, and my daughter took one look at me and freaked out. I hadn't realized it, but I had grabbed a ladies t shirt I use as a camisole by mistake.

thanks to all who commented on "White Skates"

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I wanted to thank everyone who commented on "White Skates". Its an idea I had a while back, and then forgot until Sunday morning when I got home from work, while I was having a quick bath before going to bed. You know, I should invest in waterproof pen and paper, I get some of my best ideas when I'm in a bath...

White Skates

White Skates

Small boy holds on to his mother’s hand, as they navigate the store, looking for the right place. Soon, they are in sporting goods, and the two of them join the small group of boys and girls and harried parents getting new skates.

“I want white skates, momma.” The small boy practically whispers.

“White skates are for girls.” She says, and sits him down so the salesclerk can measure his feet. Soon they are stuffed into black skates, and the mother says “Now you’ll be able to play hockey.”

reporting from base camp

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I think this is a good image for describing my current state. I'm climbing a mountain, at the top is "being totally female". Right now I've made some good progress, and have set up a base camp, to try and figure out the next part of my ascent. Having a safe base at the moment is wonderful, but also kind of dangerous. It would be very easy for me to be content where I am right now - being Dorothy at work, Todd around my daughter. But I know that comfort is illusion. Eventually, I have to get back to climbing, or risk falling off entirely.

Slipping up

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Well, its good thing my daughter has the attention span of a hummingbird. First, the other day my mom let it slip I have a purse at work (that's how I lost my wallet). Then my daughter spotted my wig in bag as I went to pick up her mother (I take everything in my bag when I have to pick her up, I don't have time to come home and change) One of these days, the cats really going to come out of the bag ....

Kevin Keller

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I got a chance to peek at the first issue of "Kevin Keller" - the story of the first openly gay character in the "Archie" universe. I thought it was pretty well done. He's shown as smart, funny, and decent. He has a dad who was in the army who supports him, and wants to enlist himself as soon as that's allowed. Now, if they would only make a trans character .....

Finding the positive in negitve circumstances

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I've been trying very hard to not let myself go too far into the dumps over my current circumstances. Its not easy, but I am working on it. For example, I found a replacement wallet at my work that cost exactly what I had on me. Its pink, and has all the things I need in a wallet - a change pocket, a place for bills, and of course card holders. Now, I just have to fill it with all my replacement Identifications ...

You are all inspiring to me

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In the aftermath of the little problem we had here, I thought it might be a good idea to do some building-up of the great writers on this site. I'll start:

Every writer here has had an impact on me, but I wanted to mention a few who really have inspired me:

Drea DiMaggio. Hon, you combine music and story in a way that hits home with me, every time.

Lilith_Langtree: Not only a great writer, but in creating the ret-con universe, home of some of my favorite stories.

More bad news

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Well, got more bad news yesterday. My mom has been letting a co-worker drive her car while she was at work, and he got into an accident with it. Now, because he was not covered under her insurance, she may have to pay out for it herself. Boy, when things go wrong, they go wrong ....

I might have to go away for a bit

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Well, right now, I'm not doing well. I guess I've lost my girlfriend, maybe for good this time. I'm in no shape to talk about it, so I'll probably just go away for a couple of days and do my grieving in private. Stay safe, everyone.

Green Lantern Oath

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Just for fun, in honor of the new Green Lantern movie that opened locally today, I thought I would see how many people here would say the Green Lantern Oath with me:

In brightest day, In blackest night
No evil shall escape my sight
Let those who worship Evil's might
Beware my power....

Green Lantern's Light!

The Ache of loneliness

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For some reason, I am feeling terribly lonely this morning. I had a good day yesterday, going out for lunch with a friend, but now I feel ... empty. I wish I could have someone to hold, to hold me, someone I could whisper with in the dark when sex is not in the cards, but it seems not to be. I'm grateful for Kylie, but right now our relationship is rocky enough to accentuate my loneliness rather than relieve it. Ah, well.

regaining confidence in my writing

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Well, my confidence in my abilities had taken a hit thanks to the struggles I had with "Between one step and the next", but the two short pieces I've done since has given me a bit of a boost in this area. Hopefully, that means I can tackle a longer work now.

Empty Cups

Empty Cups

She put on her bra, and sighed . It didn’t fit, couldn’t fit, because she had nothing to fill it with. She could still remember the first time she had wore one as a young boy. She had snuck into her mother’s room and put it on. She realized she had the same problem now as she had then, nothing to fill the empty cups. The only outfit of her mother’s that had looked “right” was her bathing suit, as it had a padded top.

about, "Home of the Brave"

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I just thought to share with you all about how "Home of the Brave" came about. It started because I had found myself getting on a negative track mentally, beating myself up for my lack of courage in not dealing with the ex. This story was my way of countering that kind of negative self-talk, by reminding myself that perhaps being willing to put my own needs on hold for my daughter's sake was a kind of courage too. I hope everyone enjoyed the result.

meeting Aurelia

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Well, I've been meaning to talk a bit about Aurelia, the other trans woman at work. She just came back to work after surgery, and her story is a little different than mine. First, she is intersexed, so gender confusion was more than just in her head. She also suffers from mild Autism, and that makes her days interesting, to say the least. For now, she is on very light duty, using a motorized cart for going around the store in, and she is on a lot of meds, not surprisingly.

Home of the Brave

Home of the Brave

For 'Drea, just cause.

She finished the story, and turned off the computer with a sigh. It had been a good story, having some of her favorite elements. Her favorite stories were about girls who even though they had been forced to begin life as boys, had taken the steps needed to live as their true selves.

“She was so brave....” she sighed to herself, thinking again of the heroine of the story she’d just finished. “..She had to overcome so much, and yet she didn’t let that stop her.”

Rode in the Pride parade today

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Well, I just got back from riding in the Pride parade. My local TS group made an entry, and I got to ride in the truck and blow bubbles at people. Two things about this experience come to the front of my mind: First, being IN the parade means you dont actually see it, and second, I found it odd to have people waving and smiling at me, and taking my picture. Normally, I'm pretty shy, so it was a different experience for me. Was fun, though.

Between One Step and the Next, Part 4

Between One Step and the Next, Part 4
 

Well folks, here is the conclusion of this story. Sorry it took so long, and sorry if its not up to my usual standards. As always, comments are appreciated.
 

When Sam woke, she had an inexplicable feeling of joy coursing through her heart. She floated into the bedroom, grabbed some clothes, and went to have a shower and get changed. After she was dressed, she came out and started making breakfast.

Tina came out of the bedroom, and said, “Something smells good …. Sam?”

Down, and then back up again

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Well, I had a roller-coaster of a shift, emotional-wise. I started pretty down, as I was still hurting in my privates, which sucked on so many levels it pushed me right into the depths. But, things got better as the shift went along. First, by the time I got off shift, I was dong pretty good pain wise, and then in the car I heard this song called "Dam. girl" and for some reason, I pictured myself as the object of the singer's praises, strutting my stuff as he sang. I don't know why, but I'll take it.

got hurt last night at work

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Well, I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, as I managed to hurt myself at work last night. At about 530, I pulled my groin muscle, and after trying to keep going for a few minutes, realized I was in far too much pain, and called out for help. The irony of hurting in the part of my anatomy I most wish didn't exist is not lost on me, but such is life. The good news is, I have a couple of days off to rest, and hope for a recovery. Pray for me, if you are so inclined.

woman's fashions

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I was watching tv, and there is going to be a new series called "Pan-Am" based in the late 60s/early 70s and about a group of stewardesses. It occurred to me how much more FEMININE the fashions seemed to be then. Now, dresses and skirts are rare on women. In one way, that's a pity, because although I appreciate the freedoms women have now that they didn't have then, I wish we could have kept some of the pretty looks ...

got a couple of nice compliments at work last night

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Well, last night I got a couple of nice compliments at work last night. First, the night supervisor passed on a compliment from the day staff, saying they were impressed with how much freight I had been able to work into the department. Then in the morning, the day supervisor repeated that compliment, and then did something even more impressive. She was talking about my second shift where they made a mistake and put me in the wrong department, and she said ".... and I'm asking them where was SHE, SHE is mine, I need HER in my department."
 

A nice moment at work

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Well, the other day, I was reading my bible at work during my lunch break. One of the other workers noticed, and started talking to me about faith. At the end of the conversation, she invited me to join a LADIES bible study group. Sadly, its not a place I can get to, but the offer was nice.

About "Unintended Consequences"

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Just wanted to give a brief explanation for my last story, "Unintended Consequences". After I had read "A new game plan", I left my comment, expressing my opinion, and figured that would be the end of that. Unfortunately, my muse had other ideas. I went out with my daughter, and while watching her play in our neighborhood park the basic idea of this story dropped in. By the time I got back in, I was on fire, and the story took less than twenty minuses to write.

Unintended Consequences

For Randalynn, whose story "A new Game Plan" inspired this.
 
Unintended Consequences

“Principal Irons? Can I see you?”

“Come in.” Principal Irons said.

A tall, blond young man entered the Principal's office.

“What can I do for you, Mark?”

“I … I wanted to give you this letter, from my brother, John.”

“I … I’m sorry about what happened to him.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“What did you say?”

“You heard me. You were the one responsible for his death.”

“What do you mean?”

downside of my meds

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Well, I have discovered I am getting an honest-to-God side effect from my T-Blockers. Mainly, I am almost continually thirsty. I've been taking a 1 liter bottle of water to work with me, and a can of pop, and usually polish off both over the course of a night. At home, I'm drinking a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice, a glass of apple juice, a TON of water, and occasionally, a pop. Darn if I can figure out where all this fluid is going, I'm not peeing THAT often.....

Between One Step and the Next, Part 3

Between One Step and the Next, Part 3
Here is part 3, everybody. I'm hoping it hasn't been so long you guys cant remember what's gone on before ...

“I’m sorry Sam. You know how that sounds.”

“It … doesn’t matter. I guess I might as well go home with you.”

Tina stepped forward to help Sam up, and stumbled, She reached out, and grabbed one of the poles of the arch for support. and her eyes went wide. She started to fade from view, and Sam shouted “No!” and grabbed her hand.

Ding, dong the witch is dead?

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Well, I think the pills are starting to have an effect. This morning after I got home, I considered err... relieving some tension, and discovered that even my over-active imagination could not make the old soldier salute, as it were. God, that is such a relief.....

"not much of a man"

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That phrase, or variations on it, have been used to justify transitioning. I find myself kinda conflicted about it. On the one hand, at least for me, of course I was "not much of a man" - because, I wasnt one at all. On the other, it almost sounds like "well, you may have failed at being a man, but you can pass at being a woman, since that's easier". What do you guys think?

my apoligies for the delay

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I just wanted to apologize for the delay in part 3 of "Between one step and the next". I felt like I had written myself into a corner, and was about to despair, but I think I see a way out now. Unfortunately, with real life being what it is at the moment, my writing time is seriously curtailed, so it will take a bit. It will come when it does, so thank you for your patience. and again, my apologies.

A nice lunch

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I wanted to share with you all about my lunch yesterday. A friend from my support site met me at a mall, and we enjoyed a nice lunch, and then I went with her while she shopped. She told me I look more relaxed compared to the last time we went out, and my feminine nature came through even more clearly. It was a nice compliment.

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