Dorothy Colleen

Borrowing a quote from "You meant it for evil"

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I read this quote from the latest chapter of "You meant it for evil" and It just describes the choice of transition for me perfectly:

 

“What happened to you is a dream come true for someone with a mind like yours. Reality for most people like you is harder and sadly, with the intolerance of society, born to some degree from the way most of us are put together, ends up being a decision between two bad choices. Either hide who you are inside and pretend to fit in or make the change and live with the consequences."

 

well, that was fun while it lasted.....

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Well, the job is done. I thought they would give me the whole 2 weeks to try it, but they decided I just wasnt aggressive enough to be able to do it. On the one hand, I am pretty upset about that, but I am trying to focus on the positive. I got a chance to try out being Dorothy in a real-life situation, and didn't do all that badly. But now, the hard part. I will probably have to file Dorothy away and look for a job as Todd. Ah, well.

Living 2 lives

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Well, two days into the new job, and I am not sure about how long it will last. The pressure to sell is amazing, and I just dont have the way with jokes that some of the others do. Plus, I am dealing with having to do a quick-change before I go home - putting my Dorothy clothes in a bag and putting on male ones. The clothes are a symptom of the fact I am currently living 2 lives.

my first day on the job

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Well, I finished my 1st day of work as Dorothy. The good news is that my trans status mattered not at all. After the morning meeting, nobody failed to call me Dorothy, and a couple of girls walked with me to a coffee place for lunch, and obviously had no problem being seen with me. The only bad news is that the job is rather stressful, insofar that you are under some pressure to make sales. Keep praying for me.

forced feminization, with a twist

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I got a chance yesterday to talk with a female-to-male trans person, and the story of his early life reminded me of many "forced feminization" stories. His parents were Mormons, and forced him to wear super feminine clothes at all times. It could only be described as a form of torture. One more reason why I find it hard to read those types of stories anymore....

A night out to celebrate

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Well, last night I got a chance to celebrate my upcoming job with the local tg group. Everyone was, of course, thrilled for me, and several took the time to calm my nervousness by telling me they can see my growing confidence in terms of portraying a run-of-the-mill woman. (As opposed to me feeling like a I looked like a man in drag) Still got a lot of butterflies in my tummy though. A prayer for me about Monday would be appreciated.

The Lucky One (Part 4)

The Lucky One, Part 4

(Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, and all beings in between, this is the conclusion of the exciting origin of the Fantastic Fluke, “the luckiest person alive.” Without further ado, let's join today's adventure, already in progress....)

It was a dark and stormy night....

(Umm, Fluke? Dot here. Just what are you doing?)

(I got bored waiting for you, so I thought I would get started without you)

(Fluke, leave the writing to professionals, okay?)

(Fine. Should we catch every body up)

fashion and makeup advice

You know, in a lot of TG stories, a MTF person has amazing fashion sense, even before they transition. But myself, I am less than an expert. Because I hated myself for wanting to be a woman, I avoided fashion mags. So now, I feel rather stunted in terms of fashion and makeup. Where is a good place to learn the basics?

Revising "Trial of the Phoenix"

My muse has been bugging me about my story "Trial of the Phoenix". What seems to be coming to my mind is either the beginning of a new story, or an epilogue to that one. The question I have is, which would you do if it was your story? Add to the current story, or start another?

My store may be gone

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Well, it looks like my store may be sold. The US based chain "Target" has been exploring coming to Canada, and is in the process of buying several stores belonging to our chain, and it looks like ours is one of them. If it happens all the employees will be laid off, and have to either apply with they new company, or at other locations of our current one. I hope I am gone before that happens.

mild rant

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Well, this is a mild rant. I dont talk much about politics, mostly because this site isnt the place for it, and in any case, no non-canadian would have a clue what I am talking about. But for the last while, the ruling party has been running attack ads on the leader of the main opposition party. Problem with that is, no election has been called, and there may not be one for a year or more. By then, I may throw my tv out the window rather than look at another one of these ads....

we interrupt your regularly scheduled blog....

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For a special bulletin. This is your all time favorite super-heroine, The Fantastic Fluke, coming to you live from an alternate dimension! I have "borrowed" Dorothy's blog to let you know I am working with her on the final chapter of my amazing origin! Look for it soon, and stay sexy, everybody!

"The Dead Kid" may be published soon

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Well, as most know, I belong to a support site called Daily Strength. One of the groups I belong to on the site deals with sexual assaults, and recently one of the people there asked if I would include some of what happened to me in a collection on the subject. I said yes, and used "The Dead Kid" as a springboard to relate some of my abuse. Well, she got back to me, asking for official permission to include the story in her collection. I just sent it off, and will let you guys know when the book will be out, and where it is available.

big fight with my mother

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Well, I just had a big dust-up with my mother. She is totally afraid that I won't be able to be accepted by the world at large as Dorothy, and I will not be able to meet my obligations. I know its mostly because of her own exhaustion and stress, but it still hurt.

tooth pain

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well, i was rather stupid. I have been fighting tooth pain the last couple of days, and i had the chance to go to see a dentist today, and didn't take it. It would have meant waiting most of the day at the ER, and i felt better by the time i might have considered it. Now, i dont know when i might have another shot, and i wishing i had gone.

Applied for a job as Dorothy

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Well, I just got back from dropping off a resume with a call center as Dorothy. Not only that, but I dropped in at my current work as Dorothy, and said hello to everyone. Thanks to having been talking about this for the last while, nobody seem shocked. One of my co-workers even called me Dorothy. Pretty good day, I think.

Trying to not be discouraged

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Well, I am trying very hard not to feel discouraged by the error I made in posting my Phoenix story. I really liked how the story turned out, and now it will probably vanish without much recognition. I am trying to focus on the fact that just writing something that long is a major accomplishment for me. I am starting to wonder if the meds I am on for depression are doing any good any more. I am finding it harder to keep positive, and much easier to feel hopeless. Monday, I will call the doctor and tell him. Meanwhile to try and cheer myself up, I am working on the last part of Fluke.

Thanks, again, and in the home stretch

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Well, I want to thank publicly everyone who sent me some support after my last entry. Somehow, just writing it down, getting it out in the open, made a huge difference, and the support I got pulled me the rest of the way back up the hill. That doesn't mean I wont ever struggle with not feeling "pretty" again, but I think as long as I remember I don't have to listen to that feeling, I will be okay. Meanwhile, I am reaching the home stretch in terms of my Phoenix story. I have one last issue to figure out, and that is; do I let them actually make love? Or not? Its a nice problem to have....

Negitive self-image

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I have been fighting a losing battle with negative self-image lately, and yesterday, I think I figured out why. I was working in the health and beauty department, restocking the hair color isle, when it hit me. Every box I put on the shelf had a picture of a beautiful woman, with flawless skin, amazing hair, and all the rest. Each picture was like water torture, eroding my ability to see myself as passable, much less pretty. I have to keep fighting this feeling. Despair is deadly.

New Shampoo

New Shampoo

“Mom! What is this shampoo? Its in a pink bottle!”

“Just picked it up, by accident at the mall, Charles.”

“I can't use this! It's called 'Make me pretty'!”

“Come on. Shampoo is shampoo.”

“Fine!”

Later....

“Mom, that shampoo...it had some side effects.”

“Side effects? What do you mean?”

“Well, for starters, you might need to start calling me Cheryl”

best of big closet quandry

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Well, I am excited that there is going to be a book version of big closet. My problem is, that I have probably read hundreds of stories since I started here, and thanks to having a brain built to drain pasta, I don't remember very many of them. So how do I nominate? The other issue is my own stuff. I am finding it hard to feel comfortable putting my own writing forward, when there are so many much more talented people here. But, I am going to make an effort to do both. find something I loved to nominate, and pick something of mine i think worthy of consideration.

17,000 words, and counting

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Well, I am now over 17,000 words in my phoenix story, and it shows no sign of slowing down. I figure its probably over half done, but frankly, I am not sure. It has gone in a totally unexpected direction from my original idea to the point I feel like I am just hanging on, trying to keep the story from falling into a ditch. Fun stuff.

rules for "best of big closet"

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I wrote a pm to Erin, with my idea on how to do a "best of big closet" book - make it a contest! These would be the rules, in my opinion:

Authors can only submit their own work, and in doing so are giving permission for publication. The only exception should be for an author who has passed on. In that case the submission must be approved by the estate.

Submission will be done publicly as reply to the official opening of the contest. no pm submissions. Submissions will include a link to the story.

going to my ex's church in woman's pants

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Well, I think the title of this entry is self-explanatory, but I will explain anyway. See, I was feeling like taking a little risk, so I wore my ladies pants to church on Sunday. I have worn them around my ex before, and she hasn't noticed the difference, so I decided to give it a shot. Nobody seemed to notice, and things went well. It was rather... fun to do. Meanwhile, I am still working on Phoenix, and have decided that my attempt to focus solely on it didn't work that well. I seem to better in short bursts, even if that means its going to take me longer. Ah, well.

A small break

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Well, some of you probably can tell I am an avid reader/commenter/blogger here. (Take my word for it, if you don't) But I may have to pull back on my interaction here for a bit, so I can focus on my phoenix story (right now, at about 12,000 words, and just getting started...) The other project I would like to focus on would be taking a role in the formation of a "Best of Big Closet" book.

About "Abraxes" and "A Safe Place"

Well, looking back at my blog entries, I realized I hadn't talked about how a couple of my stories came about. I suspect this kind of stuff doesnt really interest a large number of people, but it's my blog, so blech. So without further ado...

awkward moment with my brother

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Well, had an awkward moment with my brother on Friday. He stopped by to drop off some pants he bought for me, and I could tell he was feeling very uncomfortable. I think he wanted to talk about the emails we have been sharing, but he was obviously not sure how to treat me. Then he did something very odd. Taking the back of his first finger, he rubbed my belly. It was an awkward moment. I think we need a face-to-face chat, and soon.

Caught!

Caught!

(Based on "Damaged" by Danity Kane)

Do you want to talk about it honey

Please how do I repair your trust in me

I need your patient understanding

But you might need some time

to figure out your heart and mind

Please don't you leave me

can't live without you, see

Baby, But this need is driving me crazy

and you caught me dressed as a lady

And I know it caused you some

Damage, damage, damage

I know I should have let you know

now your trust in me is damaged

damaged, damaged

And its all my fault, I know

Over, under, or through

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Well, right now, its hard to not to feel boxed in. The road to transition seems totally blocked by that wonderful thing, finances. I need a full time job if I am going to make any serious headway, and between the economy,and my commitments to my daughter, its hard to find one as Todd, and much harder to try and find one that will accept Dorothy, especially since I don't pass terribly well.

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