Dorothy Colleen

I have no idea what to do with my hair!

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Well, I think my hair has become the ideal symbol for my in-between gender status. See, I wear a wig when I go out as Dorothy, (although, sometimes, at work, I sweat enough under it to wish I didn't have to) so I don't pay a lot of attention to my natural hair. But, sometimes, I do have to deal with it, as I simply cant seem to manage long (natural) hair, and it ends up looking horrible. But then there comes the quandary - what kind of style and cut should I get? I really hate having a super masculine cut, but can I pull off a more androgynous look around the ex?

possibly my last summer outing with my daughter

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Well, I had what may turn out to be my last summer outing with my daughter today. We went to "Capital EX" which is a fair and carnival and exposition all rolled into one. We went on a number of rides together, ate junk food, she got a chance to sit in a room full of butterflies, it was a good day. So why do I say it may be my last outing with her? Well, for starters, for the month of August her mother has booked time with her, so that's this summer done.

Lessons from a Park Bench Conversation

Lessons from a Park Bench Conversation

The first thing I noticed, was she had pretty feet. I know, I know, as soon as someone says that, everyone thinks you’re a perv. All you have to do is do a search on “foot fetish” online, and you’ll see stuff that would make your head spin. But I’m not like those dudes. Its just … when a girl has pretty feet, I notice, that’s all.

clearing the runway

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Well, I'm sort of trying to clear my writing plate of the small stuff, either finishing them or putting them away for now, so I can really focus on the challenges presented by one of my most ambitious projects ever - taking the same event, and tell it from two different points of view, and then ask you, the readers, what you think the truth is. Could be good, could go bad, we'll all have to see together, wont we?

I nearly had an accident yesterday

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Well, I'm lucky to be among the non-injured. Yesterday, when I was driving home from my work, I started to have trouble staying awake, and came dangerously close to having an accident. Next time, I pull over and have a rest ....

Heads I lose, tails I lose?

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Well, that's pretty much how I feel right now. I can try to move forward in dealing with my gender issues, and risk losing my daughter, or I can stay as I am, and more than likely suffer a breakdown, eventually. Not long ago, I had a vision of what my future could be like following both of these choices, and both end in despair, with me alone and broken. There just has to be a third choice, I don't believe in the no-win scenario ...

Hit the brick wall running

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A while ago, I wrote a poem by that name (here is a link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/18355/hit-brick-wall-r... ) Well, right now that's close to how I feel. I think I'm psyching myself up for a charge at that wall, and its going to hurt But I simply don't know what else to do. When I first became honest with myself, and then came out to my family, I felt better. When I got a job as Dorothy I felt much better, and I think I kidded myself into believing I could stay like this - half in each gender. But I can't, not for long.

A rough nite

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Had a rough night, filled with memories of humiliation and despair. The worst thing about those moments is the sense of arousal that often accompanies them. There is some part of me that has learned to enjoy the idea of being used and degraded. I wonder if I'll ever be truly free of it ....

What's next for me, writing wise?

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If you have asked yourself this question, and even if you havent, here is what may be coming soon from me:

A couple of ret-con projects, both going about the speed of molasses in January....

A fan-fic taking place in the universe of a TV show popular enough to make me intimidated in terms of not wishing to alienate anyone who enjoyed the series .....

A quiet little story that starts with a quiet little conversation in a park and keeps threatening to take a detour into the Twilight Zone .....

I think I figured out what happened yesterday

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Well, I think I figured out what happened yesterday. I've been dealing with some frustration over not being able to do much to make progress on my gender journey the last couple of days, and then had stuff involving my rape come up both at work and thanks to what I read. The combination was too much, and I (temporary) got overwhelmed. But I'm back on track now.

Guess What?

Guess what?

Author’s note: Randalynn’s story “Surprise!” had a big impact on me, big enough for me to want to make my own in response: For those who wish to read hers first, here is a link:

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/node/1939

Doug:

Guess what?

I’m not dead, after all.

I feel all mixed up (like thats different from my normal?)

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If there is a record for the fastest one can go from emotionally up to down and back again, I think I must hold it. I was all over the place at work last night, and I don't see any reason why tonight will be any different. Ah, well.

I'm darn sore

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We've been short staffed at work the last couple of nights, so I've been doing double and triple duty, not only working in my own area, but others as well. I even have helped pull freight off the food truck the last couple of nights. I am darn sore now. can't wait until tomorrow, when I'm off for two days ....

Party Time

Party time

Richard glanced at the calender, and sighed. It was the day before his fortieth birthday, and it was an occasion he dreaded. But not just for the usual reasons - the idea of getting older rarely appealed after twenty five, but for a more complicated reason.

Richard had never really felt “right” as a male. Sadly, it had taken him far too long to realize there was actually something he could had done about that, and so he approached forty no further along toward being a woman than he had at twenty.

Broke my glasses last night.

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Well, I somehow broke my glasses last night. (Or rather, this morning, to be more precise.) I went to move a stray hair from my wig out of my eyes, and next thing I know, out comes my lens and the frame was broken beyond simple repair. I was telling this to someone who was coming in this morning, and said, "Life just seems to like to make things fun for me."

She said, "I wouldn't call breaking your glasses fun."

I said, "Ma'am, after spending 45 years in the wrong gender, I have a pretty good understanding of Life's sense of humor."

Ah, well.

Massive Storm last night.

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Edmonton isn't known for summer storms, but they do happen, and we had a doozy last night. I was at work, and was working just outside the garden center, when small bits of hail began to fall inside! I moved a couple of pallets out in case they got damaged, and had just completed this little project when the skies opened of, and the roof decided to not do its job. It was like watching a waterfall from behind as the water rushed down into the garden center for at least a half hour straight. I bet they had fun cleaning it up today ....

Wore myself out.

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Well, I managed to wear myself out yesterday/ Took my daughter to a local pool. They have not only a wave pool, but they have this section that's set up like a rapid, and I think we broke a record for how many times we went around on it. Other than not being allowed to show any signs of my progress toward womanhood, it was a good day.

my birthday ended on a down note

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Well, my birthday ended on a down note. That night, as my shift started, the acting manager announced another girl's birthday, and it was clear she either didn't know or forgot it was mine too. So I spoke up, and said it was mine as well. She then said to everyone "Happy birthday to Todd, its HIS birthday too."

For some reason, that upset me a lot.

Happy birthday to me.

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Well, I turned 45 this morning while at work. Its going to be a quiet day, sleeping and then going to work, so nothing much for a birthday. Doing a supper with my brother and sister in law tomorrow, and plan to be in my best skirt for the occasion, especially since I will have to leave from the restaurant and go to work. My brother and sister in law wont approve, but frankly, I don't care.

Being able to state my own case

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Well, I'm going to have a chance to make a case for starting hormones sooner than I thought. I'll be seeing the gender specialist's assistant on Tuesday, and hopefully, I'll be able to persuade her to get me started right away.

Setback

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Well, I've had a bit of a setback. I phoned the gender specialist's office, and found out that I don't yet have an appointment to get my blood tested to start female hormones. Apparently, there is some question as to whether just going to work as Dorothy qualifies as a real life test or not. (Why this matters, I don't know, but there you are.) So now I have to wait and hear back from the specialist, or maybe I'll be waiting until I see him again in December to find out if I can start them anyway. ... Sigh.

replacing my cards

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Well, I spent yesterday getting started on replacing all my cards and identifications. First, I was able to get a new health card sent to me after answering enough questions to prove I'm me. (For non-Canadians, this little card basically allows me to access, free of charge most services at hospitals and doctor's offices.) Then, I was able to get a temporary driver's license and a permanent one will come later. I have some things left to do, including getting a copy of my birth certificate so I can get a new social insurance card, but its good to get the process rolling.

Freaking out my daughter

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Well, If I needed any proof that my daughter isnt ready for me to be out with her as Dorothy, yesterday provided it. I had woken up at 330 pm in a panic, thinking I had forgotten to pick her up from school. I hurriedly put on a t-shirt and shorts and ran out to the school, only to find her gone, picked up by my mother, who had told me she would before I went to sleep, only I had forgotten. So I went home, and they came home right after, and my daughter took one look at me and freaked out. I hadn't realized it, but I had grabbed a ladies t shirt I use as a camisole by mistake.

thanks to all who commented on "White Skates"

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I wanted to thank everyone who commented on "White Skates". Its an idea I had a while back, and then forgot until Sunday morning when I got home from work, while I was having a quick bath before going to bed. You know, I should invest in waterproof pen and paper, I get some of my best ideas when I'm in a bath...

White Skates

White Skates

Small boy holds on to his mother’s hand, as they navigate the store, looking for the right place. Soon, they are in sporting goods, and the two of them join the small group of boys and girls and harried parents getting new skates.

“I want white skates, momma.” The small boy practically whispers.

“White skates are for girls.” She says, and sits him down so the salesclerk can measure his feet. Soon they are stuffed into black skates, and the mother says “Now you’ll be able to play hockey.”

reporting from base camp

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I think this is a good image for describing my current state. I'm climbing a mountain, at the top is "being totally female". Right now I've made some good progress, and have set up a base camp, to try and figure out the next part of my ascent. Having a safe base at the moment is wonderful, but also kind of dangerous. It would be very easy for me to be content where I am right now - being Dorothy at work, Todd around my daughter. But I know that comfort is illusion. Eventually, I have to get back to climbing, or risk falling off entirely.

Slipping up

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Well, its good thing my daughter has the attention span of a hummingbird. First, the other day my mom let it slip I have a purse at work (that's how I lost my wallet). Then my daughter spotted my wig in bag as I went to pick up her mother (I take everything in my bag when I have to pick her up, I don't have time to come home and change) One of these days, the cats really going to come out of the bag ....

Kevin Keller

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I got a chance to peek at the first issue of "Kevin Keller" - the story of the first openly gay character in the "Archie" universe. I thought it was pretty well done. He's shown as smart, funny, and decent. He has a dad who was in the army who supports him, and wants to enlist himself as soon as that's allowed. Now, if they would only make a trans character .....

Finding the positive in negitve circumstances

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I've been trying very hard to not let myself go too far into the dumps over my current circumstances. Its not easy, but I am working on it. For example, I found a replacement wallet at my work that cost exactly what I had on me. Its pink, and has all the things I need in a wallet - a change pocket, a place for bills, and of course card holders. Now, I just have to fill it with all my replacement Identifications ...

You are all inspiring to me

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In the aftermath of the little problem we had here, I thought it might be a good idea to do some building-up of the great writers on this site. I'll start:

Every writer here has had an impact on me, but I wanted to mention a few who really have inspired me:

Drea DiMaggio. Hon, you combine music and story in a way that hits home with me, every time.

Lilith_Langtree: Not only a great writer, but in creating the ret-con universe, home of some of my favorite stories.

More bad news

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Well, got more bad news yesterday. My mom has been letting a co-worker drive her car while she was at work, and he got into an accident with it. Now, because he was not covered under her insurance, she may have to pay out for it herself. Boy, when things go wrong, they go wrong ....

I might have to go away for a bit

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Well, right now, I'm not doing well. I guess I've lost my girlfriend, maybe for good this time. I'm in no shape to talk about it, so I'll probably just go away for a couple of days and do my grieving in private. Stay safe, everyone.

Green Lantern Oath

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Just for fun, in honor of the new Green Lantern movie that opened locally today, I thought I would see how many people here would say the Green Lantern Oath with me:

In brightest day, In blackest night
No evil shall escape my sight
Let those who worship Evil's might
Beware my power....

Green Lantern's Light!

The Ache of loneliness

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For some reason, I am feeling terribly lonely this morning. I had a good day yesterday, going out for lunch with a friend, but now I feel ... empty. I wish I could have someone to hold, to hold me, someone I could whisper with in the dark when sex is not in the cards, but it seems not to be. I'm grateful for Kylie, but right now our relationship is rocky enough to accentuate my loneliness rather than relieve it. Ah, well.

regaining confidence in my writing

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Well, my confidence in my abilities had taken a hit thanks to the struggles I had with "Between one step and the next", but the two short pieces I've done since has given me a bit of a boost in this area. Hopefully, that means I can tackle a longer work now.

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