Little ditty about Manny and Maude, seamstrist and guard travellin’ the Land Beyond.
Maudie's sellin’ sartorial splendor, Manny debutante of Maudie’s mirror.
Oh yeah life goes on...
Warning: Please brush your teeth after consuming this story, for it may cause cavities.
Warning 2: Contains some funky formatting, which I blame upon my imaginary friend, Imaginary Fred.
On the Wall
by Arcie Emm
One did not need to be Bentolain the All Seeing, Lord of the Seventh Level of Damnation, to deduce that the pretty blonde was not happy with her companion, sitting beside her on the wagon seat. Simple observation skills would allow one to notice how rarely she turned her head from a straight ahead stare, how she spoke just enough to not be impolite, and how she appeared to ignore anything her seatmate said. It would have been downright awkward if her companion, an older woman whose face held similar yet older features to the girl, paid any attention. Instead she just talked.
And talked.
And talked.
Manny had even learned, while sharing rooms at the Willow Rill and Aspen Rill inns, that Maude mumbled in her sleep. She talked about anything and everything, some of which Manny secretly found interesting. However, most of the time the seamstrist chattered about people, all of whom Maude discussed in the most familiar manner even though Manny had heard of none of them. He sometimes wondered if she forgot he was not her daughter, Lirial, whose form the witch had accidentally trapped him in, while they wiggled their way out of the Grandwitch Grunhilda’s lair. Yet, despite the absent-minded persona Maude usually portrayed, not once had she mistakenly called him anything other than Manny.
“...and that’s how the Lich Lord Volgrom fell in love with the paladin, Zora Bestingle. They truly are a cute couple, particularly since Zora got him looking less like a scruffian and more like his dandy self from before he became undead. All he needed was a good skin peel, a bone bleaching, teeth whitening, and something done with his hair. Let me tell you, all of us girls used swoon over Volgrom’s hair when we were in school, which is why I felt so sad that he let it become such a straggly mess after dying. But no longer, now it is the glorious mane I remember so fondly. Isn’t love a wondrous thing, Manny?
“Manny...
“Manny, what’s wrong? Are you still mad at me?” This was another of Maude’s regular topics of conversation, trying to convince Manny that he had no reason to be mad at her. After all, to her, transformations were just part of life, kind of like stubbing your toe.
“Yes, I am?”
“Don’t you think you’ve held your grudge long enough?”
“It’s only been two days.”
“Yeah, more than enough time to get over it.”
“Two days is not enough time for something a major as getting changed into somebody completely different, particularly a girl.”
“But being a girl is a wonderful thing. Much better than my first transformation, during in my second work term of seamstrist school and the only job I could get was as a silkworm wrangler, which required me to be an actual silkworm. Disgusting creatures, silkworms, all they do is eat and if I never see another mulberry leaf it will be too soon. Still I did make some good friends, though it always made me feel guilty that I never warned them that the only way out of their cocoons was in a boiling pot of water. You can’t very well think that being a girls is anywhere as bad as that.”
For the first time Manny detected a hint of steel in her response to his complaints. Combining this with his belief that she was more powerful than she pretended, he decided to tone down his frustration. “But I don’t know anything about being female.”
“So that’s worrying you?”
”Umm...okay.”
“You should have told me, maybe I could have calmed your nerves. For example, as you have probably notice, you are under the power of a high quality transformation spell.”
“I am?”
“Of course. A poor quality one is like ill fitting clothes. You can tell someone is under one by the herky-jerky fashion in which they move, almost like a marionette. Whereas, you, despite maintaining your baritone, seem as if you had never been anyone different. Doesn’t it feel natural?”
Maude was right, it did feel natural, despite his new form likely being barely half the size of the old Manny. Many things were wrong with what had been done to him, but how he physically felt was not one of them. Yet not wanting to admit this, he said, “Well I felt really awkward after my transformation.”
“That was that pink monstrosity of a gown, which even Lirial struggled with despite wanting it more than life itself for the summer ball. But now that we got you into something sensible you don’t seem to be having any troubles.”
Though not thrilled with wearing any dress, he saw no room to complain about the blue travel dress Maude had created for him, particularly since she was right about the original gown. “I suppose. But there must be more to being a woman then not tripping when I walk.”
“Well that’s true.”
“And I worry that I might do something to embarrass you in front of your clients.”
“Hmm...that is a good point. Most would understand, since they have likely experienced something similar themselves, but others take themselves entirely too seriously. Let’s see now, what can we do? Hmm...I know, do you read, Manny?”
“So-soish. My Ma taught me when I was young, but I’ve had no need for it since I’ve been on my own. Why?”
“Well then, we’ll just have to get you the book.”
“There’s a book on how to be female?”
“Many of them, though most of them are full of tripe. However, one of my old friends, Elmadine Fergoro, wrote a quite wonderful one as part of the ‘So You’ve Been Turned Into a ___’ series of books, hers is subtitled ‘27 Things You Must Know About Being a Woman.’ We will pick you up a copy in the next town we pass through that has a book dealer.”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to just turn me back into a man?”
“Maybe, but I don’t see how we can do that.”
“Couldn’t we can convince one of the men at this Lady Vlidia’s place to let me take his form?”
Maude burst out laughing, so much so that Manny wondered if she were about to fall off the wagon seat. Not understanding the joke, he finally demanded. “Okay, what’s so funny?”
“Well Lady Vlidia and her household are pixies. I really don’t think you want to be the size of my finger, not that we will we find any males there.”
“Why not?”
“Male pixies are dreadfully shy little fellows, rarer than a leprechaun’s charity. They are absolutely terrified of the females of their species, wisely so since they are rather predatory towards them. Actually towards all men, now that I think about it, which is another good reason for you to be changed. In fact, maybe we better do something about that lovely baritone of yours. Say something.”
“Umm...what are you going to do, Maude? Hey quit that, I like my voice. No way, that’s too high, I sound like an idiot. Okay that’s better, but I still don’t like it. And you really should have asked.”
“There, that sounds lovely. Though I recommend you say as little as possible, that way you won’t speak out of character.”
“What? Why did you change my voice, if I’m not supposed to speak?”
“Better safe than sorry.”
Feeling a growl begin deep in the pit of his stomach, the one which told friends to stop the gibes directed at their large, though good natured friend, Manny cut it off when it came out closer to a purr than the normal rumble. Yet it lasted long enough for Maude to notice.
“What was that, Manny?”
“Ahh, I was just wondering, if pixies are only the size of your finger, how do you make clothes for them?”
“With a lot less material. Hahahahahahah! Well no, really you should know, Manny, I use magic. A seamstrist is nothing if she is not adaptable, though to be honest, I did struggle, when I first began dressing pixies to manage the cut around their wings. My isn’t this nice.”
“What?”
“The two of us having this pleasant conversation.”
“I guess.”
“Of course it is. It makes the time pass so much more quickly.”
Notwithstanding the whole completely messing up his life, Maude was a hard person to stay mad at and neither was he the type to stew in his own juices. So offering a prettier smile than he could have offered a few days earlier, he said, “Aye, it does. Doesn’t it?”
Answering with a smile of her own, Maude patted his leg, and said, “Exactly. Now why don’t you tell me how you became a trail guard and I will let my voice rest for awhile.”
“It’s not too complicated or good of a story, because it all happened by happenstance. I had actually expected to follow my father as a blacksmith, but then the Prince of Verkning got it in his head that he wanted to add the County of Burgshirevale to his princedom. Needless to say, the Count had different ideas and so began forming his own army, a contingent of twenty men being expected from my own village of Ganfree. For many reasons, my size, my age, being unattached, being a bit of a dreamer, and so forth, I ended up part of that contingent, right through the Battle of Muddy Creek.”
“You were there? Even in the Land Beyond we heard about the battle. It sounds like it was awful, which is why everybody here calls it the Battle of Bloody Creek.”
“Aye, it was a massacre, we slaughtered them. Despite their leader’s loftier title, Verkning is a poor land in comparison to Burgshirevale. We had the larger army, better equipped, and when the Count’s liegeman, Baron Gustav Frolong, was summoned home with his mercenary regiment, we were better led. And I was right in the middle of it, one of the Beige Baron’s Sergeants-at-Arms having spotted me during training and brought me into their shield and spear line. Victory is a heady thing, even horrible victory, so instead of returning home to the smithy I followed the Baron for another five years, from war to war. Likely would have still been in the ranks if the Baron had not gotten sick and the regiment disbanded. But he did and it did, so I needed to find something new to do. Since none of the other mercenary companies interested me, I became a guardsman for wagon trains, been doing it for just over a year now.”
This quick recitation of his adventuring life proved unsatisfactory for Maude who used the next couple of hours to question and get to know Manny better. In turn, the miles and time seemed to pass quicker, so he answered as best as he could, right until he looked up and spotted something in their trail.
“Maude, there’s a big tree in the middle of the road just ahead.”
“There is? Oh, that’s good, we’re almost there.”
“Umm...Aren’t you going to stop?”
“Hmm?”
“Or go around it? It’s a really big tree. Maude, what are you doing? Maude!”
Eyes opened wide in anticipation of disaster, he spotted a large, straight root puckering the earth as it shot out from the middle of the tree. A tiny obstacle in the path of the massive hoof of the plodding auroch. So expecting to see the root crumble, he exclaimed in surprise when the hoof seemed to delicately rest atop the barked surface. Yet what really caused his mouth to gape was that at the end of its next stride, the auroch’s other front hoof also landed upon the root. He could not understand how the beast, which was more than half as wide as the wagon, could delicately balance upon a root barely two hand widths wide. Yet it did, the back hoofs now following along with those of the front. Shaking his head in confusion, Manny closed his eyes, but opening them brought no end to his disbelief. For now the auroch seemed no bigger than a squirrel, and while it did not scamper like one along the root, it none-the-less continued apace, the traces connected to the wagon as taut as they had been the entire day.
“Wha..wha...what’s...”
Unable to form his question, he felt a jerk as the wagon’s front wheels hit the root, climbing it as if onto a ramp. His eyes told him that it was impossible, yet his ears hearing wheels upon wood and his body feeling itself tilt in gentle incline told him otherwise. Once more he shut his eyes, this time opening them to see the auroch had regained its proper proportion, though he quickly realized that was due to the wagon and its contents, including him, having also shrunk to match the beast. Looking over the edge of the wagon he saw that they appeared to travel along a path, etched into the bark of the root.
“Oh, it’s magic.”
“Of course it is, Manny. Magic is the answer to most of the things that seem impossible or improbable in the Land Beyond. I know amongst your people many consider it cheating, but it’s not always cherry turnovers and berry wine.”
Looking down, seeing proof bulging from his chest, Manny could not deny this truth. Instead he nodded his head and said, “So is this the magic that allows you to make clothes for the pixies?”
“Exactly. Now they will seem regular sized.”
“How does it work?”
“That’s beyond the ken of this old seamstrist. I guess it has something to do with this path upon which we travel, we shrink when we arrive and grow when we leave. But if you want to really understand, you need to talk to a civil engineerist, probably quite a senior one at that.”
Clipping along at a pace defined now by the teeny legs of the auroch they slowly approached the trunk of the tree, Manny curiously looking for the opening in which they would enter. Again he began worry about crashing into the tree, though he dismissed it and wondered what new magic was about to happen. However, he was not prepared for the auroch to continue walking up the tree, as if still on the root. He was even less ready for the wagon to follow. As they climbed Maude’s chuckled ‘hang on’ did little to calm his nerves, though he did take her advice, grabbing on with a death grip to both her arm and the side of the wagon.
“Manny, not so hard, your nails are digging into my arm. Manny?”
His only response, while staring straight ahead with a wild eyed look, was a mewl of fear. A mewl that worked its way up to a keen.
“Oh dear, are you afraid of heights? Manny? Sweety, close your eyes. That’s a girl, you can do it. Now breathe deeply, again, and again. No, don’t open your eyes. Here, let me reclaim my arm, you have quite a grip there, don’t you? Okay, lean forward a bit. Breathe deeply. Good girl.”
Slowly Manny regained his composure, soothed by Maude’s words and how she gently rubbed his back, almost as if he were a child after waking from the night terrors. With composure came embarrassment, both at both his reaction and the way Maude was treating him. Nor did he grow less mortified when the only response he could come up with was to mumble. “Not a girl.”
“Sorry, Manny, I know that. It’s just that you brought out the mother in me.”
“It’s okay. Thank you for helping.”
“That’s what friends do, Manny. Though I wish I had known you were afraid of heights, I could have warned you.”
“Didn’t know.”
“What?”
“I didn’t know I was afraid of heights. It’s never bothered me before.”
“Ahh, that’s likely because you have never been this high before.”
“We’re only waist high to my old self.”
“But you’re not your old self, in comparison this is many times higher than your head. Just imagine a fall, as tiny you, from your old waist, it would be many times your height.”
“Not helping!”
“What? Oh sorry. You just keep your eyes closed and stayed bent over for now, Manny. We’ll be there soon.”
“Okay.”
“Hush, little Manny, don’t throw up. Maudies not going to let you drop. Soon we’ll be at the pixie hole. Then you’ll be safe from Gravity’s pull.”
“Not helping!”
“Sorry.”
“Umm...who’s Gravity?”
“He’s the Lord of the Oceans in the lore of seagulls. They describe him as a giant kraken who reaches into the sky to pull them to their death.”
“You know, Maude, I bet if you just hummed the lullaby that it would help a lot?”
“You really think so? Lirial always liked it when I made up words appropriate to the situation.”
“I prefer it with no words, that’s how my own mother did it.”
So, accompanied by the Maude’s humming, the auroch clip-clopped higher up the tree. The combination of soothing sounds helping Manny to maintain his grip on reality, though he continued to clutch the wagon. So it was a relief to feel the cart once more level off and have Maude announce their arrival.
Slowly opening his eyes, Manny looked around to find them in a cavernous space that he assumed was a hole in the tree’s trunk. Seeing Maude climb down and pull a rope hanging beside one wall, he shakily descended as well, enjoying the tree beneath his feet as he found the auroch’s feed bag. Scratching the beast behind an ear, he looked around the space, noticing a smaller hole in what he could only consider to be the back wall. Looking at Maude, who was marshaling her forces of chests and mirrors on their stubby legs, he waved to get her attention, then pointed questioningly in the direction of the hole.
“They’ll be here soon.”
Sure enough, it was not long before he heard the sound of voices coming through the opening which he watched, while wondering how terrifying they would be if they preyed upon their own men. When the three of them wafted into room, that thought, along with inconsequential thinks like his name, were driven from his brain by waves of lust.
While he, in his current form, was pretty and the Grandwitch Grunhilda had been beautiful, the three pixies were snivel on your haunches, absofriggentutely, drop-dead gorgeous. Looking alike enough to be triplets, each had snowy white hair done up in a flirty ponytail that hung most of the way to their feet, from which delicately pointed ears peeked out. Their faces, with large blue eyes sparkling beneath long lashes, high cheeks, cute nose, and luscious red lips could serve as inspiration for painters. While their bodies could serve as models for sculptures, their long slender necks separated from legs by the perfect amount of curves. And those legs, if they did not go on forever, they were perfectly shaped and made longer by glass slippers with improbably long and narrow heels. Thinking it would be impossible to stand with the shoes, he saw they need not worry for their sparkling, dragon-fly like wings blurred in motion, allowing them to hover just above the floor and causing the hems of their tight gossamer dresses to flutter above their knees. Only in these slippers, veins of their wings, and dresses that one could distinguish each of the beauties from the others, one in blue, another in red, and the third in purple.
Their presence was overwhelming. Manny could not decide whether to caper about like a fool, fawn upon the floor before them, or hide behind the wagon. He did know that if one were to ask, he would immediately stop his wandering, build a house with his teeth to prove his devotion, and have 723 children like Matt Stedbauer the swordsman of legend. In that moment he knew that male pixies were insane and then he heard the three angels speak.
“It’s Maude!”
“Weeee, time for pretty dresses!”
“And Lirial!”
“Pretty Lirial!”
“Actually girls, she’s not Lirial, she’s my guard.” Maude said.
“It’s not?”
“Weeee, someone new!”
“We should really introduce ourselves.”
“Mamma would tell us that it’s only polite.”
“Hi, I’m Nikki!”
“Hi, I’m Nikkee!”
“Ahh...hello, my name is Manny.”
“Hi, Manny, did you know you look like Lirial?”
“Hi, Manny. You’re pretty.”
Maude broke up the introductions to say, “Now that we now know each other, will the Lady Vlidia be joining us?”
“The Duchess sent Mamma a message.”
“A hunky, hunky male.”
“So she joined the hunt for him.”
“A hunky, hunky male.”
“You already said that, Nikkee.”
“Heeheehee, Nicky wants a hunky, hunky male.”
“So the Lady Vlidia is not available? Will I need to come back another time?”
“Nonono, Mamma left us some shoes.”
“So we can buy pretty dresses.”
“Very well, maybe you should show them to me and I can tell you what you can get in exchange.”
“Okay, follow us.”
“To the bat cave!”
“Why would we go to the bat cave?”
“Shoes? I thought you said bats.”
“Oh, that makes sense.”
“Bats are furry.”
With this, the three floated back through the hole from which they had arrived, chattering about how bats and shoes were the same, but different. Much of the glamour removed from Manny’s eyes, he looked unbelievingly at Maude and asked, “Shoes?”
“Aye, that is how Lady Vlidia and her daughters pay for all their wares. They craft shoes, like those that they’re wearing out of tree sap. Despite them being pretty and impractical, the shoes I mean, I am always able to sell them to other women. It really is quite amazing what pixies can do with sap, they can tint it and shape it into shoes or chairs or any number of things, all of which are as sturdy and strong as if they were made of less delicate material. But enough of that for now, we better hurry, otherwise the girls may forget we are here.”
Catching the three pixies, the two were led through an array of tunnels, lit by green lichen and burrowed in the tree’s trunk. Heading mostly upwards they ended out on the ledge on the wall of a hollow in the tree, larger than the one in which they had left the wagon, which stunk enough to make Manny gag.
Unaffected, Maude asked, “Girls, I don’t think this is your workshop.”
“Of course not, silly.”
“Furry, furry, stinky, stinky bats.”
“But we were on the way to your workshop?”
“We were?”
“To look at the shoes!”
“Oh right, shoes.”
“I better lead this time.”
Once more the five trooped, well three floated and the other two trooped, while obediently followed by nine chests and one mirror, back into the warren of the tree. Mercifully, for the non-floating and non-inanimate pair, this time the path led downwards. Reaching the workshop, Manny found it lit by small holes to the outside, which also helped to bring in fresh air, though the smell of sap was still almost as overpowering as the guano in the bat cave. Yet what stood out were the shelves, about the room, upon which hundreds of the sap slippers, of more colours than Manny knew existed, some even containing flowers, leaves, or insects embedded inside the sap.
“Manny, will you be a dear and get the large, feather filled sack out of the brown chest with the silver fastenings? Then fill it with forty of the clear slippers from the left wall, I can cover them as needed with silk, satin, or soft leather to match a customer’s dress.”
Nodding his head, he moved to the chest, which flipped its lid as he approached, and looked inside. There he found many small, velvet sacks and one large, leather one. Guessing it was the only one that could hold forty pairs of shoes, he took it to the wall and stopped in a quandary.
“What sizes, Maude?”
“Silly, they’re magic shoes. They fit everybody.”
Startled, he turned to find Nikkee hovering right behind him. “Oh? That’s handy.”
“Very. Let me get them. You pack.”
This proved to be an efficient method, particularly since many were out of his reach, though not the flying pixie’s. It also proved quite distracting, since, when she did not speak, the allure of her physical gifts could once more descend to their rightful spot in his mind. This was further enhanced by the subtle smell of flowers she emitted, the gentle caresses of her hands upon his when she passed over a pair of the slippers, and the hypnotic purr of her wings. All of which was as nothing compared to his glancing upwards and seeing all the way up Nikkee’s skirts, which ignited a strange fire under his own.
Fortunately, before he could say or do something stupid, Maude distracted him with another request. “Manny, can you take a moment to bring me the empty velvet bags from the same chest.”
“Urk...okay.”
Dragging his eyes away from the not so angelic vision above him, he scurried to the chest to get the bags, each which was soon stuffed with a pair of the more exotic slippers for which Maude chose to barter. Then he was searching in another chest to get a bolt of silk, which the pixies would use to line the insides of the slipper. Then multiple trips to a third trunk for hides of tough leather, which would cover the pointed toes and the tip of the heels on each shoe. So by the time he made it back to the clear slippers, stuffing them into the bag was the only stuffing on his mind. Finished, he placed it inside its chest and began making gender affirming trips back and forth from Maude and the three pixies to the trunk with the purple bags.
“Well that is enough shoes for this trip, now what do you girls seek in exchange?”
“Fancy dresses.”
“After all the Mammas capture the hunky, hunky male.”
“We want him to notice us.”
“In which to be held captive.”
“Well we could definitely do that, there will also be enough left over to supply you each with a new day dress.”
“Weeee! Me first.”
“Poo, why am I always last?”
“Mamma says you have to be faster.”
“I know, Manny can pick whose first.”
“Very well.”
“Pick me! Pick me!”
This request made him stare in lustful horror at the three, having no idea how to choose. Then inspiration caused him to say, “I am thinking of a number between one and ten, the one who guesses closest will go first.”
“Oooh, a guessing game. I pick 3.”
“They’re really fun. I pick 3.”
“Umm...well the answer was 6.”
“Yay! I was closest.”
“Yay, Nikki!”
He did not need to notice Maude shaking her head to spot the offered out, instead he said, “Congratulations, Nikki.”
Letting the triumphant pixie flit about in a victory dance for a few moments, Maude brought it to an end when she said, “Okay, Nikki, come stand in front of my mirror.”
A sinking feeling came to Manny’s stomach as he guessed what was about to happen, something confirmed by Maude saying, “Now go stand by your sisters and we will get Manny over here.”
When Manny did not immediately respond, he heard Maude’s voice in his head, just as at Grunhilda’s, snappishly say, “You’ve had ample opportunity to gawk at them, now it’s time for them.”
Heaving a sigh, he moved to stand in front of the mirror, which still contained Nikki’s image. Despite his attempts to ignore the vision, it captured him, hypnotized him, until it momentarily faded from sight, returning instantly to show the same pixie standing confidently upon high-heeled slippers. But this too was only momentary, for instincts kicked in and her blue veined wings blurred into motion, lifting her to hover like the others.
“EEEeeeek!”
“It’s Nikki!”
“It’s me? I’m pretty.”
“Where’s not-Lirial?”
“No need to be alarmed. It’s just Manny. A simple bit of magic I created to model new fashions for my customers. And who is a better model for what looks good than yourselves?”
“Weeee, this will be fun.”
“Magic is so much fun.”
Quicker than a whip, or at least too fast for Manny to get a good look, Maude had him out of blue gossamer dress and stepping into a long, backless gown of white silk, before tying the top straps around his neck. She then turned him around for the wide-eyed pixies’ inspection.
“That’s perfect.”
“Exactly!”
“But maybe shorter, over the knee.”
“Show off your pretty legs.”
“And satin instead of silk.”
“So shiny and soft.”
“And fitted instead of billowy.”
“Like the hunky, hunky male will hopefully do.”
“Make it tighter.”
“Wrinkles are...”
“You’ll need a corset if I make it any tighter.”
“...nowhere as neato as a corset”
“Definitely a corset.”
“Heeheeheeheehee.”
“Oomph.” Manny offered as commentary to this addition.
“And strapless.”
“Boobies!”
“And make it blue.”
“You always look good in blue, Nikki.”
Waiting to see if there were any additional changes to the perfect dress, Maude said, “Your turn, Nicky.”
As the pixie in red excitedly moved in front of the mirror, Maude quickly removed the dress and corset from Manny, returning him to the gossamer dress. But that lasted only a short time, for soon he was in front of the mirror and with the minor changes to his appearance required, the magic had him in red quicker than a blink of the eye. Then Maude had him out of it and into a gown exactly like the one that had been transformed by Nikki’s specifications.
“Beautiful.”
“Exactly!”
Hearing this, Manny incredulously though to himself, ‘There’s no chance, is there?’
“Definitely shorter.”
“Show off your pretty legs.”
He had his answer. What followed was almost an exact repeat, word for word, to Nikki’s fitting. The only difference being no need for Maude to suggest the corset, so soon Manny ended up bursting out of a tight red dress almost like a bratwurst left too long on the fire..
*** WARNING: Ill advised simile detected. Please remove before continuing with story.
Three burly men wearing hard hats enter from the left margin, stare at the words, and shake their heads.
The one on the right says, “Dat’s just not right.“
The middle one agrees. “It sure ain’t, Chucko. It has to go and like all dirty jobs, we’s the suckers that have to do it. Danno, get the truck.”
“On it, Boss.”
--insert Jeopardy music--- Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep
“A bit further, Danno.”
Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep
“A bit further.”
Beep, Beep
“Okay, good. Now grab a shovel boyos, we have a lot of work to do before the shift is over.”
Shovel, shovel, shovel, snort, shovel, shovel, cough, shovel, shovel, shovel, “Hey, Baby, shake it don’t break it.”, shovel, shovel, shovel, FRAAAAAP, shovel, shovel, shovel.
“Well boyos that’s look like the last of it. Man I need a shower.”
“What about the rest of it?”
“We’re not miracle workers, Chucko. Leave it.” ***
...Manny ended up in a tight red dress. However, before they could move on to Nikkee’s turn, they were interrupted by the ring of a gong.
“Another visitor.”
“Maybe a messenger saying they caught the male.”
“Umm...Nikkee?”
“Sorry. Maybe a messenger saying they caught the hunky, hunky male.”
“Well we better see who it is.”
“Poo, I hate going last.”
With this, the three flitted out of the room, causing Maude to look at Manny and ask, “Curious?”
“Yeah.”
“Let’s follow.”
“Maude, I need to change.”
“There’s no time. Let’s go.”
Desperate not to be seen wearing this dress by anybody else, he searched for an excuse. “I doubt that Nicky would want anybody else to see her dress before she has a chance to wear it.”
“Good point. Hurry, let’s get you changed.”
In a flash she had Manny changed. Not into the more familiar, though still unnatural, form of Lirial’s, but into the slightly less sexy gossamer dress. Maude scurried after the triplets, Manny finding it requiring no thought to keep apace with her by flying. When they arrived at the opening, through which they had earlier arrived, they were surprised to see a hornet and the auroch engaged in a staring contest. Spotting their arrival, the hornet broke off the engagement and flew towards them, causing all five to recoil. Stopping at a distance closer than polite, beginning to buzz.
“I think it’s trying to tell us something.”
“Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz”
“Nikkee, you don’t speak hornet either.”
“Buzz off. Get it? Heeheeheeheeheeheeee”
Maude interrupted and said, “Girls, if you don’t mind, I do speak hornet. I’ll interpret. It says it is a messenger from the Empress Fgdjdihsdkehkls, Ruler of Hive Kjfldjsjhdfkd and its surrounding territory. Territory in which your tree is found. The Empress calls you squatters and demands that you vacate the tree immediately.
“What?”
“I’ll shove the tree up her ass if she wants it so bad.”
“Furthermore, the Empress says, that if you wish to dispute her claim, you will have your champion meet her champion on the morrow to settle the matter through right of combat.”
“What?”
“We’re lovers, not fighters.”
“If you do not vacate or if you do not meet the Empress’ champion in single combat, the Great Fgdjdihsdkehkls will send her armies to evict you by force.”
With these final word the hornet turned and flew towards the exit hole.
“Hey wait.”
“I think I’m going to throw up.”
“Those dirty hornets.”
“And while Mamma’s away too. Those nogoodnicks.”
“What are we going to do?”
“Hey, I’m the pretty one, you two are the brains.”
“Maude.”
“And then there’s Maude.”
“You have to help us Maude.”
“Anything but tantalizing.”
“Right on Maude.”
“Help.”
“I don’t know girls, I too am a lover not a fighter.”
“Hey, didn’t you say Manny was your guard?”
“Oh, Manny!.”
Like an unstoppable avalanche the three tumbled towards him, wrapping him in hugs before he could dodge aside. Sniffling and groping, whispering terms of endearment, and offering hopeful kisses they begged for his help, to rescue them from the mean hornets.
Their entreaties stirred his noble spirit. Caused him to feel anger at their plight, outrage that such evil-doers still were allowed to exist in a world in which he still drew breath. He decided that he could not allow such injustice to go unpunished. In other words, the assault of blonde pixieness melted his brain and caused it to begin dripping down his inner thighs. “I’ll do it. I’ll be your champion.”
“Yay, Manny!”
“We’ll make it worth your while, Manny. Grrrrrrr.”
Suddenly he felt his arm grabbed and heard Maude say, “Girls, I need to speak to my guard in private.”
Ignoring their protests she easily pulled him from their clutches, then with him floating behind she dragged him behind the wagon and hissed. “What do you think you are doing, Manny?”
“I’m helping out the pixies.”
“You’re going to get yourself killed. That’s what you’re doing.”
“Come on, Maude. It’s just a bug.”
“Manny, the messenger was just about a drone and it was nearly your size. Any champion the queen hornet breeds will be much larger.”
“Crap, but I still have to do it.”
“It’s not because of what Nikkee said, about making it worth your while, is it?”
“Nah, I know that means nothing, what with me being turned into a girl and all.”
“Manny, they are the equivalent of pixie teen-agers. They’ve been that way for decades, like many other pixie girls in this forest. They will stay that way until they capture a male attention and obtain the responsibility of their own family, at which point they will join the Duchess’ court. But until that time, and remember that their men are rarer than mandrake roots, they have to find other ways to satisfy their lusts. You can be assured Nikkee meant something.”
Watching as his eyes glazed over, Maude hastened to add. “Oh, forget I said that. Manny, Manny, you’re supposed to say, ‘Not Helping.’ Oh my, Maude, they may just be right, you really do talk too much. Manny, you really shouldn’t do this, it’s stupid.”
This penetrated his fantasies, causing him to sigh at such happy thoughts being dispelled. But he knew that Maude deserved an answer, so he offered one. “Look, Maude, of course it’s stupid. But remember, even though I look like one of them, I’m actually a big, dumb guy. And part of being a big, dumb guy is doing stupid things, heck we’re behind most of the stupid things that happen. But that doesn’t mean we’re all the same, some of are good and some of us are bad. I like to think I am in the first group, which means that I have to try and help those who are helpless, even if it means I get my ass kicked or my throat slit.”
Maude just looked at him, then offered her own sigh as acknowledgement. Pulling him back into the open, she looked at the nervous pixies, and said, “I guess it’s all set, Manny will be your champion.”
“Yay, Manny!”
“Yay, Manny!”
“However, there’s a condition.”
“Me neither.”
“Or me.”
“Cause then they will want us to fight them.”
“But we have a solution.”
“She was a fighter.”
“An adventurer!”
“And weapons and things.”
“She’s really brave.”
“I wanna be just like her if I grow up.”
“I thought your Grandmother was dead.” Maude said, not in her kindest tones.
“Oh, no she’s not dead.”
“But for this she would definitely help.”
“I don’t want to fight some champion hornet as a sick grandmother.”
“She’s not sick.”
“She’s in the deep sleep.”
Looking towards Maude, he saw her looking just as confused as he felt. Yet he liked the sound of armour and weapons, besides she may be a tough old battle-axe, unlike the triplets. “Okay, let’s go see your grandmother.”
“We need Maude’s mirror.”
“To turn you into Grandmamma.”
“Very well. Let’s go to the workshop first.”
Off they traipsed once more, first to the workshop, where Maude sent the chests tracking back to their spots in the wagon, then down into the depths of the tree. It took a long time before they found themselves at a door with brass fittings. Opening the door, Nikki gestured them in, where Maude and Manny found another room which had holes to the outside, to let them see, meaning their eyes were drawn to the wall. There they saw the cause of Grandmamma’s indisposition, for hanging on the wall was a huge glob of clear sap, in which they could clearly see a pixie. She could have been one of the girls, if any of the three had pink veined wings, though she wore a long dress of brown material, had her hair in a sensible braid, and seemed in the midst of swinging a pick-axe. The sight was both mesmerizing and horrifying.
“Grandmamma was out harvesting sap.”
“And poof, she got covered in all the sap.”
“But she had time to put herself into the deep sleep.”
“Then we can wake her up.”
Maude, who had been studying the sap coated figure, suddenly stated, as much as asked, “She’s alive.”
“That’s what we said.”
“And we love Grandmamma.”
“Aye, I can sense her beating heart, though it’s really slow. If you wish, I will ask some friends if they have an idea how to get her out of the sap.”
“That would be wonderful.”
“Weeee, Grandmamma, she’s coming home.”
“Well now, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Besides we have other matters to deal with first. Let’s get the mirror set up and see if we can get a good image, happily the sap is clear so it should not cause a problem.”
It took a fair amount of fiddling, first getting the mirror to stand as high as it could on its legs, then having the three pixies lift their grandmother down from her hook, and hold her in front of the mirror, while ensuring only she and not them was not reflected in it. Only then did Maude nod in satisfaction and gesture for Manny to stand in front of the mirror. Nervously he did so.
He found it different this time, the mirror did not have the same allure it had held the other times he had stood in front of someone’s image. After a bit he guessed it was because of the eyes, it had been they, shining with life, which had drawn his attention and formed the link between his spirit and the form in the mirror. This time the eyes were closed, they held no ability to hypnotize. Yet he too could now sense life in the mirror’s reflection and so he became the pursuer, attempting to capture the elusive, physical essence of Grandmamma, while wondering if the effort was worthwhile, for she seemed little different than his current form. But just as he was about to back out, to find an excuse, he cornered the essence and pressed onwards. He was glad that he did, for the transition was not the instantaneous, superficial modification from Nikki to Nicky, instead it was almost as significant as going from Lirial to Nikki. Becoming Grandmamma felt like passing from adolescence into adulthood once more, strength and stability replacing weakness and fragility. Physically it was like comparing himself to when he had first left home and joined the Beige Baron’s regiment.
“Yes, yes this will definitely work better.”
“Manny?”
“The girls were right, their Grandmamma is a fighter.”
“Excellent.”
“Yay, us!”
“Wow, that almost never happens.”
“You also mentioned armour and weapons, where can we find those. I should probably get in a bit of practice today as a pixie.”
“It’s in the next room.”
“Me neither.”
The next room proved to be Grandmamma’s workshop, full of many interesting things. Both Manny and Maude would have liked time to explore, but stayed focussed on important matters. The same could not be said for the pixies, as they darted about the room looking at favourite items until Maude brought their exploration to an end.
“Where’s the armour?”
“It’s in the cupboards.”
“Grandmamma, always let us play with it.”
“Manny, you will have to remove your clothes.”
“We’ll get it for you.”
Glad that he would not be expected to fight in a dress Manny quickly got to work following this order. Naked, he tried to be a good boy and not stare at his figure, though he did ensure he got some looks and wished the mirror had followed them into the room. Meanwhile, Nikki brought Maude the first items for him to wear.
“Here are the underthings. They’re silk.”
Manny was impressed, he knew that anybody who could afford it wore silk underthings beneath their armour, since it left cleaner wounds. A lesson he had learned when a arrow, at skirmish during his third year, had bypassed his shield and his wound had become infected, which had left him in dreadful shape for over a month. Even after this, he had still not been able to afford it, though he had been more fortunate in the type of injuries he had experienced. He was looking forward to the luxury, but he was not prepared for the delicate little item she first handed him, a short skirt of pink silk with a white lace trim.
Seeing the look that appeared on his face, Maude tried to prevent an outburst. “You’re in for a real treat, Manny. These were made by a real master of the seamstrist school, in fact you could say the creator of the school, Moira Merster. See here’s her marking and just feel how soft this silk is, here put it on, you’ll just love it.”
Maude was right, he found the skirt was tremendously soft as he pulled it over his hips and tied it in place. But then he had never doubted that, he whispered his real problem to Maude. “Maude, it doesn’t even come within shouting distance of my knees.”
“Now, now, you’re exaggerating. It’s hardly shorter than the dresses that the girls wear and you were fine with wearing Nicky’s out to see the hornet messenger.”
“I wasn’t wearing it for fighting. And it is too shorter, a lot shorter.”
“Well lets not argue, besides it’s best if we don’t jump to conclusions about the final results.”
Watching the pixies removing more of the armour from cupboards and polishing it with cloths, Manny said, “Conclusions like how I’m going to end up looking like one of the top girls at the Leather and Lace Bordello in the Imperial City of Gogoheim?”
“Yes, conclusions exactly like that. Now put on the top, I know you’ll like it.”
With a look of distrust he took the offered garment, also of pink silk and white lace. Holding it up to see how to put it on, he offered her a frown, but he did not say anything. Instead he pulled it over his head, sticking arms through sleeveless holes, which left the bottom of the top hanging loosely until he buttoned it at his back, below his wings. Immediately upon doing this a smile crossed his face, he did not even care that a wide swath of his stomach was left bare between the waist of the skirt and the lace trim of the top.
Seeing the smile, Maude smugly said, “Like that, do you? I knew you would. Even those not as well endowed as you can appreciate a top that has a good spell of lift. Sadly, those Mistress Moira taught the spell to have been incredibly tight lipped about passing it on to anybody else. Maybe if I get a chance to study the top, I can work it out myself, which would definitely provide a boost to my business.”
Still pleased with his own boost he was receiving from the top, he hardly noticed the silken stockings that laced over his knees with a white ribbon. He then saw Nikki arrive with a pair of gaudy, pink leather, over-the-knee boots complete with heels as high and pointed as any he had worn that day, fashioned from pink-tinged sap. Deciding not to fight it, he sighed and reached out for one of the surprisingly upright boots. The reason for this became apparent as soon as he took it in and saw that sheets of sap had been molded and riveted to both the shin and the calf of the boot. Tapping his knuckles against the shingaurd, he asked, “What’s this for?”
“It’s armour, Silly.”
“Armour made out of sap?”
“Lady Melind’s family makes it, it’s really strong.”
Correctly interpreting his look as one of disbelief, Nicky growled, and moved to the table in the middle of the work room. Rummaging underneath it she found a mallet and wacked it down onto the boot, as hard as she could, shocking her sisters and Maude who had not been aware of the interplay between her and Manny. Although not totally convinced, he doubted Nicky was that strong, he decided that any added protection was worth the slight weight increase it caused.
“Okay, I believe you.”
This time his words did not phase Nicky. Instead a gleeful look had come into her eyes as she continued to pound on the boot, raising an even greater racket. Worse, her two sisters drifted towards her, the same look in their eyes. Maude, with the wisdom of parenthood, guessed what was about to happen and acted to nip it in the bud.
“Stop that infernal racket right now!”
“It wasn’t me.”
“Drum ditty drum ditty drum drum drum.”
“That’s better. Now, Manny, why don’t you put on your boots, instead of letting Nicky play the little drummer girl with them.”
Cowed, probably more so than the pixies, Manny did not even protest that they were not his boots. Instead he took the second boot from Nicky and moved to sit upon a nearby stool, his blurring wings automatically coming to a stop as he settled on the seat. Pulling each boot up, to just below the top of his stockings, he stood, willing his wings to stay motionless. Stamping his feet a couple times, to ensure his feet were properly in place, he found the boots to be quite comfortable, despite the plates and heels of sap, proving the skill of the craftsmanship and the natural grace of a pixie. Bending over, he looked to see if there were any markings from Nicky’s hammering. Finding none, he curiously rapped his knuckles on the shingaurd, though he stopped immediately at a warning cough from the witch.
Next, Nikkee brought him an armoured kilt, made of overlapping strips of pink leather, each with plate of sap riveted to it. Strapping it around his waist he felt it fall in a solid comfortable weight to the lace trim of his underskirt. It actually was not that different than those worn by the Imperial Guard, though theirs was made of polished iron and worn over trousers, instead of showing an expanse of creamy leg. Yet, now that he made the comparison, he realized his kilt was not proportionally much shorter than the Guard’s, likely because if it were any longer it would be more cumbersome.
Satisfied, in spite of its appearance, he looked to see Nikki with the cuirass and matching gorget, made from the same pink dyed leather and molded sap sheets as everything else. Strapping the gorget around his neck, he tried to figure out how to put on the cuirass. Seeing the similarities to the silk top, which left his wings free, he lifted it over his head, pulled out his braid, settled it upon his shoulders, used the straps under the arms to firm up the fit and wrapped the hinged back plate around his torso, locking it in place with a metal pin chained to the leather. He then strapped a pair of matching vambraces around his forearms and pulled on a pair of gloves, the back of the hand and fingers being armoured. Testing the fit, he swung his torso, raised and lowered his arms, and flapped his wings, and found everything to fit perfectly, except for the swath of skin left bare around his stomach and back.
“Umm...so why the gap between the cuirass and kilt.”
“Well Grandmamma’s proud of her tummy.”
“And its sexy!”
“Armour isn’t supposed to be sexy, it’s supposed to be functional.”
“It’s mostly functional.”
“You look hot, really hot!”
“Shhh...Nikkee. We’re trying to convince her it’s functional.”
“Okay, I won’t mention that it’s really sexy.”
“Good.”
“Manny, that’s some super-functional pink armour you’re wearing.”
“That’s better.”
“Yeah, and I’m an id...Hey!”
Deciding it was best to accept it as is, since it was still better than anything he had ever worn, in spite of how it may make him look. However, one part seemed to be missing. “Is there a helmet?”
“Of course there is, but...”
“It’s not lost. It knows exactly where it is.”
“Well that’s helpful, isn’t it?”
“Thank you, I try.”
“Well, I guess I can do without a helmet, but if you could look for it, I would really appreciate it.”
“Okay, Manny, we’ll look.”
“We should get the helmet to help, it’ll know where to look.”
“How about weapons?”
“Oh, those aren’t lost.”
“I resent the multiplication.”
“Could, I see them?”
“We’ll get them.”
“Gophers are furry, but don’t fly like bats.”
“Umm...those are bow and arrows.”
“Sure are.”
“Poing, poing, goes the bow and arrow.”
“You can’t use a bow and arrow during a trial by combat.”
“Why not?”
“What, you have to wack at each other like idiots?”
“Well not like idiots, but it has to be a melee fight, it’s the rules.”
“Well that’s stupid.”
“They must be real dunderheads.”
“Tell me about it.”
“Yeah, ‘cause she’s not a dunderhead.”
Unsure if they realized they were insulting him, the one who had agreed to be their champion, he decided to ignore the three. “Maude, do you have some weapons I could use?”
“Well there’s your short sword.”
“What? I thought that had gone missing when you couldn’t change me back into me.”
“You’re not you?”
“And what did you do with Manny?”
“Never mind, girls. No, Manny, the mirror’s change magic only works on people, everything else is transported to a trunk in my wagon. Your sword, that nice suit I made for you, and the dress you were wearing earlier today are all inside of it.”
“But, why am I clothed after the change. Where do those come from?”
“Well I could give you a long technical explanation or we could just settle with the good ole standby of, it’s magic.”
“Magic it is. Okay, let’s get the sword so I can practice a bit.”
Arriving back at the wagon, Maude climbed aboard and began looking for the right chest. Finding it, she opened it to find Manny’s stuff, pulling out the sword, miniaturized complete with its sheath and belt, and handed it to him. In turn he tried to strap it around his waist.
“It’s too big.”
“Well you now have that trim waist of which Grandmamma is so proud.”
“What am I going to do?”
“Manny, what am I?”
“You’re a seam...oh, I get it. You can fix it for me, but I didn’t know you worked with leather.”
“To become a master seamstrist, such as I, you have to be able to work in all materials. Of course I can work with leather.”
“Okay, that will work, I guess.”
“Now what’s the problem?”
“I don’t really like the short sword?”
“Pardon?”
“I much prefer a shield and spear. Gives additional protection and you can attack from further away.”
“Why, if you prefer a shield and spear, did you show up for hire with a short sword?”
“Lots of reasons. It’s an unwieldy combination, particularly in towns and such, easier just to have your sword in your belt and let it hang there. They also makes you look like a soldier and everybody thinks their officers, so I was always getting ordered about, even by the idiots. And the shining sun knows there’s enough of them about. Besides, I get more respect when I wear a sword.”
“What about for fighting? Do you know how to use a sword?”
“Sure thing, I can swing it like nobody’s business, not that I have ever had to use it. It’s actually quite rare to run into bandits.”
Staring at him in a somewhat appalled fashion, Maude asked, “Are you telling me that I hired a sword bearing guard who’s useless with a sword?”
“I wouldn’t go that far, I’ve practiced a bit. Besides, you said you hired me to have someone for talking and that we’re perfectly safe.”
“Well you’re not safe now, are you?”
“Crap!”
“But I might have a solution.”
“You’re going to conjure me a spear and a shield?”
“I was thinking you could use one of my needles for a spear. Of course, not like they are now, shrunken like everything else, but if I go back down to the ground, some may be the right size.”
“Hey, that just might work. Let’s go.”
“You can’t ride the wagon down with me, Manny, it’ll turn you big again. We want to find a spear for current sized you, not full sized you. You’ll have to fly down to me.”
“Eeek...fly?” Manny asked, suddenly remembering his fear of heights.
“Manny, not yet.”
“Not if Maude is going to become a biggie.”
“Why not?”
“She won’t be able to hear you.”
“They talk too loud.”
“Really loud, it hurts the ears.”
“We have ways to make them talk, quietly.”
“And make them hear you.”
“To the bat cave!”
“No, Nikkee, not the bat cave.”
“We never go to the bat cave.”
“Okay girls, that sounds like a plan. You set up Manny with whatever is need to do, then come meet me on the ground.”
“Very well, Maude.”
“One two three...”
“Nikkee, quit counting on Nicky.”
“Heeheeheeheeheeeee”
With this, the group split up. Maude and the auroch heading towards the ground and the four pixies back into the tree. This time, having an idea where they were headed, Manny was able to remind the girls to turn towards the workshop, instead of continuing to the bat cave. Arriving, Nikkee looked around in a panicked manner.
“Oh no!”
“What’s wrong, Nikkee?”
“Someone stole my dress.”
“Well, I see my dress.”
“But where’s mine?”
“I bet it was the hornets.”
“But why? They won’t be pretty in my pretty dress.”
Deciding it was time to resolve the imaginary catastrophe, while also seeing a chance to escape anymore mannequin work, Manny said, “I was wearing it when the hornet came, then I used the mirror to change, so it must be in Maude’s chest.”
“Oh, that’s good.”
“You, what about me?”
“Okay, so now that we have solved that problem, how do we solve the communication issue.”
“The same way all problems should be solved.”
“Me loves me some jewelry.”
“Jewelry? Really?”
“Of course.”
“And a tongue stud to make you louder.”
“What!”
“Can we pick them out for you.”
“And we have lots to choose from.”
“Umm...you know there’s this implication about tongue studs.”
“Yeah, Grandmamma told us all about it.”
“Big time, yeah.”
Once again feeling sadness at his own disappearance, he asked, “You would?”
“Totally, if I ever shouted a warcry.”
“KiYiiYiiYiiiiiii!”
“Yeah...umm...I guess that makes sense.”
“Or did you mean about sucking a male’s thingee?”
“Except there’s none around.”
“Manny, are you okay?”
“Don’t throw up, ‘cause then I will too.”
“No, no, I’m fine. Yeah, go ahead and pick out something for me.”
Trying to get his breathing in order, he worked to quell the thoughts uppermost in his mind. Which, in turn, brought his fear of heights to the forefront, finally he drifted over to join the pixies who were looking in a jewelry chest. Immediately he spotted the set he least wanted to wear, a thought immediately followed by the realization that he would doubtless end up wearing them.
“The pink roses.”
“They’re pretty.”
Being proven clairvoyant did not make it easier to agree, yet he did so anyways. “Yeah, I guess. How do I put them on, won’t I need piercings?”
“We all have them.”
“Unless you still want to throw up.”
“No, I’m not going to throw up. And, sure, I could use the help.”
Nikki was the first to prove that, like them, he did have the necessary piercings to accept the jewelry, when she screwed an earring to each ear. Then it was Nicky’s turn, for the slightly messier job of screwing in the tongue stud. This left Nikkee, standing with a eager look on her face, holding one last item.
“What’s that?”
“It’s for your belly button.”
“What’s it do?”
“Well, it’s pretty and it matches.”
“Then I don’t really need it?”
“Not really, but...poo, I hate going last.”
Sighing, for what felt like the hundredth time that day, Manny said, “Okay, okay, I’ll wear it.”
Soon a rose covered his unarmoured belly button, a pink stone sticking out of his tummy just above. It just kept getting worse, like he was caught in a current of girlyness that kept pulling him further and further away from shore. Each of the girls picked sets out for themselves and they flitted back to the entrance. Watching Nikki and Nicky leap out of the opening, Manny froze.
“What’s wrong, Manny?”
“Now are you going to throw up?”
“I might, see I’m afraid of heights.”
“But you’re a pixie.”
“Eeeewww, don’t throw up.”
“I’m not a pixie, I’m just pretending to be one.”
“You look like a pixie to me.”
“You fly like a pixie.”
“Yeah, but the floor is right below our feet.”
“Just try it, Manny. You’ll see.”
“Hey, over there, Maude’s back.”
Turning his head, he felt a push from behind, causing him to tumble out of the opening into space. Falling, he shouted. “Damnit! Nikkee you bi...hey, I’m flying. I’m really, really flying.”
“Of course you are.”
“And so am I, not a bee.”
Of all that he had experienced, since arriving in the Land Beyond, flying was the most satisfying magical thing he had encountered. He absolutely loved it. And with Maude not having reach the bottom of the tree, he took the time to learn some tricks from the girls, chasing a butterfly with them, and flying to look in the hollow of the bat cave. While doing this he heard a shout from below, so leaving the other three, to continue their explorations, Manny zipped down to the wagon. There, hovering in front of Maude, he hesitated, feeling awed at how big she was.
That awe disappeared when Maude said, “Oooh, look at you, Manny. You’re just adorable.”
“See, I told you so, the Leather and Lace Bordello.”
“Oh no, Sweety, I’m thinking somewhere so exclusive you don’t even know the name of it. Barring that, maybe as some princess’ doll.”
“Very funny, but I’m here about some needles.”
“Very well. Let me get them out.”
She had a wide assortment, some still too small and others that were too large. In the end he found a leather stitching needled that was not quite as long as he was tall. It seemed a good weight and fit in his hand nicely. His only concern was with how slippery it seemed, which he mentioned to Maude. In answer to this, she took it from him and began tightly winding white thread around it to form a long, cord wrapped handle, before threading a length of silver thread through the bit of the hole left showing at the end and fashioning it into a lanyard with a sliding knot.
“Here try this. I’m thinking the lanyard will be handing since dropping it will be a bigger nuisance than normal.”
Tightening the lanyard around the wrist of his right glove, Manny tested out the improved version of his ‘spear’. He liked it, in fact he felt downright enthusiastic about it, asking, “How about a shield, do you have anything that would work as a shield?”
“How big does it need to be?”
“Well something that could cover me from my eyes to my knees would be idea, preferably rectangular, but I would settle for anything.”
“Let’s check out my button chest.”
The chest had hundreds of different buttons carved from bone, horn, and wood or shaped from metal and glass. Searching through its contents lead to many too bigs, too smalls, too rounds, too squares, too heavy, too flimsies, before they settled on one made of antler that was rectangular and slightly rounded, though shorter than he had hoped. Taking it from him, Maude went to work covering it with cloth and fashioning a loop and an handle to which he could hold on. Meanwhile Manny continued to rummage about in the chest, trying to find a better option.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Nikkee thinks you made her a dress just like her sisters. She thought it was stolen, so I told her that I was wearing it and when I changed it ended up in the chest where my sword was. Can you make her one?”
“Of course. They always get the exact same thing, just different colours.”
“That’s good. Hmm, what’s this for?”
Looking over at what he was holding, Maude said, “It’s a thimble.”
“I know it’s a thimble, my mom has one. But why do you, you don’t need one.”
“Oh, it was just a item I picked up along the way out of amusement. Why?”
“Promise not to laugh?”
“Well, I can’t promise, but I will try.”
“I was wondering if I could use it as a helmet? Maude, you said you wouldn’t laugh.”
“Sorry, Manny. And really, what is more appropriate for a seamstrist then to have a guard who uses a needle for a spear, a button for a shield, and a thimble for a helmet.”
“Yeah, it’s stupid, isn’t it?”
“Kind of, but that’s the Land Beyond for you. Try it on, see if it fits.”
Staring from her to the thimble in his hands, a sour expression on his face, he finally lifted it over his head and began lowering it, and lowering it, and lowering it, until it completely encased his head. “imm tm bmm.”
“I can’t understand you, Manny.”
Lifting the thimble off of his head, he said, “It’s too big.”
“I can see that, do you want me to see if I can make a liner of some sort, so that it will fit?”
“Please. It may be silly, but better that than a hornet sting through the forehead.”
“Very true, I’ll see what I can do. Here try this out.”
Taking the button shield from her he tried it on for size and fit. “Excellent, Maude. You truly are a master seamstrist. And apparently armourist and weaponsmist.”
“Why thank you, Manny. Now you go practice, while your armourist tries to do something with your helmet.”
“Thank you, Maude. And sorry about holding you up on your journeys. It’s just that I couldn’t, you know.”
“Yeah, I know. But it’s the right thing to do, to try and help the sweet, little idiots. Now, shoo fly.”
“I’m not a fly, I’m a pixie, heeheeheeheee.”
“Not you too.”
“Just getting in character. Okay, I’m off. Call me when you’re ready for a fitting.”
A couple hours later, Manny had learned that despite their fragile appearance, pixies were strong little devils. He barely felt the weight of his shield and spear, even after a couple hours of practice, something not the case while he was in the regiment. With practice he had grown as comfortable as could be in the air. Maude had even come through to fashion the thimble into a helmet, creating a leather cap onto which the thimble was buckled. Settling it onto his head, Manny had to smile, he liked it, it’s ludicrous appearance going a long way to offsetting the girlish perfection of the rest of his armour. He decided that he was ready as he could be for his fight with the hornet champion.
By this time the sun had started to sink to the ground. Maude, having packed all of her things away, said, “Well I guess I better set up my tent.”
“You can’t do that.”
“We prepared a guest room.”
“It’s the right thing to do, since you’re helping us.”
“And Grandmamma if she weren’t in sap.”
“We’ll make supper.”
“With honey mead.”
“And breakfast.”
“With honey mead.”
“Well, I suppose it would be nice to sleep on the ground. Specially for Manny, who needs a good sleep.”
“Manny can sleep with me.”
“I think she likes me the best.”
“Eeeep!”
“That’s okay, girls, I think it best that Manny stays with me tonight.”
“But Manny’s our champion.”
“We’re the damsels, right?”
“Glurk!”
“You’re supposed to wait until you’re rescued before you all reward your champion.”
“Well actually in some parts of the world they reward their champions both before and after.” Manny thoughtfully added.
“Now, Manny, you’re just making it up. I think it is best to stay with the tried and true method.”
“But, but, okay. Let’s stick to the tried and true method despite at least half of the champions never live to get their reward.”
“I knew you would see it my way.”
“Yay! A party tomorrow night.”
“You can maybe, but mine was stolen.”
“I’ll make you a new dress, Nikkee.”
“You will? You’re super nice for witch. Maude.”
“Can you make one for Manny too?”
“It can be our surprise.”
Winking at Manny, Maude said, “Of course I will. She won’t expect a thing.”
“Uhh-sighhhh.”
With these plan’s in place, the girls flew off to make supper. Meanwhile, Maude and a grumpy auroch began one more trip up the tree, the seamstrist asking Manny to fly along and keep her company, though he suspected it was to keep him from being alone with the girls. They then ate the most delicious meal he had ever eaten, though Maude found it too sweet, before finding their room as darkness settled within the tree. There Manny found himself unready for sleep, his nerves of about the upcoming fight and his anticipation of the celebration, combined with the affects of the meal he had devoured, left him too excited. While he energetically flitted about the room, Maude watching half in worry and half in amusement, that there was a knock on the door.
Intercepting him, Maude said, “I’ll see who it is. Hello Nikki.”
“Umm, hello Maude, can I speak to Manny?”
“She’s trying to sleep, Nikki.”
“Ohh, well I brought her a night gown, for sleeping.”
“That’s nice of you, Nikki, is there anything else?”
“Umm, I guess not, good night.”
“Good night, Nikki, see you tomorrow.”
“What did Nikki want, Maude?”
“She brought you a nightgown.”
“Woah, it’s see through. She should wear it to the party tomorrow night, ‘cause I’m not wearing it.”
“Well you can’t wear your armour.”
“I was going to sleep in the underthings.”
“That doesn’t make sense, now when something else is available.”
“It does to, specially if the only thing available is that.”
“Really, Manny, are you going to make me twist your arm? Because I can if you want.”
“If it will make you happy.”
While pulling off his boots, there came another knock on the door. Again Maude reacted first. “Hello Nicky, I see you have a nightgown.”
“Yeah, I was thinking that Manny would need one.”
“That’s sweet, but Nikki already brought her one. Is there anything else?”
“Umm, I guess not, good night.”
“Good night, Nicky, see you tomorrow.”
Not long after, Manny still in the midst of removing his armour, there came a third knock. Rolling her eyes, Maude answered the door one more time. “No, Nikkee, Manny does not need a nightgown, he already has one.”
“Oh? That’s good, because I didn’t bring one.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I wanted to let make sure that Manny when we said sleep, we meant wink wink nudge nudge sleep.
“Manny understood that, Nikkee.”
“Okay, but if she changed her mind about the pre-reward wink wink nudge nudge sleep, I’m still available.”
“Eeep!”
“No she has not, Nikkee. Now good night.”
“Actually, I have changed my mind.”
“Was that Manny?”
“No it was not, now I really think it is time for everybody to get to sleep.”
Closing the door, she turned toward Manny, who stood wide-eyed with his fingers resting upon the buckle of his kilt. Favouring him with a frown, Maude asked, “Is there something you would like to say, Missy?”
Correctly interpreting the danger in Maude’s fed-up tone, Manny meekly shook his head, before finishing getting ready for bed. However, once in the barely visible nightgown, he dared to ask, “What about my wings?”
“What about them?”
“Won’t they bend or break?”
“Well if we are to guess, based upon the girl’s enthusiasm about getting you into their beds, I would say no.”
“Umm...okay.”
Pulling back the blankets, he climbed in, and gingerly lay upon his back. Finding his wings bending easily to accommodate his movement, he decided not to worry. Maude pulled the blankets over him and gently brushing his forehead, said, “Now you sleep. I am going to stand guard against those sex-starved idiots.”
Manny barely had time to wonder if she considered him a member of that club before the magic in her touch put him to sleep.
The spell was a potent one, throughout the night he barely moved, locked in the deepest of slumbers. Nor did he waken until the morning sun cast its rays, through a hole bored into the tree’s trunk, upon his face. Sitting, he stretched and found himself reminded of his situation.
“Ahh, crap.”
“Manny, I see you’re awake. Did you sleep well?”
“I did, thanks to you.” Noticing that she sat on a chair, surrounded by a number of her chests, he asked, “How about you, did you sleep at all?”
“A few winks, but I was not feeling tired, so there was not much need. Besides sometimes I like the quiet of the night, so I summoned my chests and worked on some projects. For instance, I needed to put together Nikkee and your dresses for the party, now that you’re awake we can assure the fit for both of them.”
“Ahh...I doubt that is necessary, Maude. You’re too good to make a mistake.”
“Why thank you for that, Manny. But don’t you want to see how you look?”
“I can live with being surprised.”
Smiling at his lack of enthusiasm, Maude said, “I also did some finishing work on your helmet and shield. I also spent some time examining that silk top, I think I have an idea on how the spell of lift works, but will need to do some experimenting. Finally, I made you these.”
Looking in confusion at what she was holding, Manny finally asked, “What good are trousers without legs?”
“They’re not trousers, they’re short pants. Although everybody just shorten it to shants, after all when you’re wearing them, people shant be seeing your privates. And when you’re wearing a skirt as short as you will be, they’re necessary.”
“Oh!” Manny said, blushing as he remembered Nikkee flying above him to get shoes. “But why make them so frilly?”
“Well, it only makes sense to have them match the rest of the things you wear under your armour. Now, enough talk, it’s time for you to get out of bed and to start getting ready.”
“Yeah, I guess. Though I have half a mind to sneak out of here and ignore the entire thing.”
“But?”
“But then I would feel like a complete cad. I guess I’ll go through it after all.”
“Of course you will, otherwise you wouldn’t be you.”
“What, a fool?”
“No, just a nice guy who got in above his head and is trying to make the best of it.”
“Blame it on my parents, I wanted to become a black-hearted scoundrel, but they refused to pay the tuition to the scoundrel school. Oh well, I guess there’s no way but forward. Can you throw me the shants, please? I could do without the distraction of yesterday’s breeze.”
With Maude serving as his squire, Manny once more dressed in Grandmamma’s armour, though this time being more careful to ensure buckles were properly fashioned and that everything fit properly. It did, the only problems remained its revealing nature and its colour. Though when he thought about it, Manny realized it was not much worse than the robin’s egg blue worn by the troops of Jadlanth, who never seemed bothered by the snide comments and were absolutely terrifying in battle. Besides, he doubted that he would care how it looked during a fight if it lived up to the protection implied by Nicky’s drumming upon it with a hammer.
Having almost convinced himself that substance made up for the style, now was a perfect opportunity for Maude to say, “Too bad you’re fighting a bug, Manny. If it was a man, he’d take one look at you, then trip over his tongue. Which would allow you an opportunity to stab him with your needle while he thought about stabbing you with his.”
“Maude!”
“Well I did say it’s not the case and can tell you that it would be more enjoyable than being stabbed by a giant hornet’s needle.”
“I would prefer not to be stabbed by anybody’s needle, speaking of which, where’s my thimble?”
“You mean your helmet? Here it is, I fixed it up a bit, do you like it?”
He noticed a hopeful tone in her question and seeing what she had done to her helmet, he could guess why. His recent enthusiasm, since Grunhilda’s, having been nonexistent, Maude likely assumed he would be no happier about the white canvas helmet covering upon which she had created a crest, in needlework, of a pink rose with a green stem complete with thorns. However, he liked it, not only was it beautifully done, but his favourite contract had been while fighting for the Vicountess of Kinelle, who had insisted on a similar rose crest, though red in colour.
“It’s beautiful, Maude, though it may be a bit to delicate to stay that way in a fight.”
“Don’t worry about that, Manny, it kept me occupied. But I’m glad you like it, because I also did it to your shield.”
“Yeah, I like it. Have you seen Nikki, Nicky, and Nikkee?”
“They were by earlier, but I sent them on their way to let you finish sleeping. Though maybe I was a bit harsh with them, in making sure they truly understood your situation.”
“Oh.”
“But hopefully they will forget my tone, just like they forgot to try and find the helmet that goes with your armour.”
“That’s okay, I like this helmet. Though it’s kind of hot, so I don’t want to put it on until necessary. Could you carry it while I take the spear and shield?”
“Gladly, let’s go get breakfast. You’ll like it, more griddle-cakes and maple syrup.”
“Excellent, do you remember how to get to the kitchen?”
“Yes, follow me.”
“Manny!”
“Manny!”
Before he had time to respond, he was once more engulfed in crying pixieness.
“Oh, Manny!”
“And strong.”
“And wonderful.”
“Caring only about ourselves.”
“Unaware of the plight of others.”
“We can find another, make it our new home.”
Looking over his shoulder at a somewhat embarrassed looking Maude, he realized that they had not forgotten her words and that it was up to him to paint the brave face on their picture. “Now, now, don’t be carrying on so. It’s not like I’m a beginner at this type of thing and with your Grandmamma’s excellent armour and Maude’s shield and spear, I’m as well prepared as any day in which I have fought. Now dry your eyes and let’s have breakfast. I was promised griddle-cakes and you know how much I like those.”
“Sniff, you ate a lot last night.”
“Sniff, I was surprised you didn’t throw up.”
“Well I would really like some more, with syrup and honey mead.”
“I’ll get the cakes.”
“I’ll get the honey mead.”
For the rest of the breakfast he was pampered and doted upon worse than during his last breakfast before he had first gone to war. Though in this case worse was much better, for as much as he loved his mother, maybe more than any other, she did not make his heart go pitter patter as it skipped out of the way of the lust bunnies hopping about in his chest, howling in a most unbunny-like fashion. Alas, it could not continue, for they ran out of maple syrup.
Finding the griddle-cakes lost much of their allure when not drenched in that sweet goodness, Manny decided he could delay no longer. “Well that was delicious, but I guess it’s time to go see if the hornet champion will show up.”
“Maybe it will be scared.”
“Nah, it’ll show.”
Manny suspected Nikkee was right; however, when they arrived at the entrance there were no hornets in sight. Heartened for a moment, he then spotted something in the distance, pointed to it, and said, “Here it comes.”
“That’s not a hornet, that’s Delia.”
“Oh, I’m sure the Duchess uses more than her right hand.”
“The Duchess leaves her in charge.”
“Like her left hand and her lips and her teeth and her...”
“Hopefully she can bring an end to this nonsense.” Maude said, cutting of the glassy eyed pixie’s anatomical recital.
By this point Manny was able to gain a better appreciation for the approaching pixie, who was just as gorgeous as his companions. With black hair and accented wings to match, she wore a skintight dress of black and white vertical stripes, its skirt as short as his own. Once more he found himself considering that male pixies must be crazy.
Landing before them, Delia performed a delightful shimmy-wiggle while pulling at the bottom of her skirt and said, “Why didn’t you idiots send me a message about what is going on, instead of making me hear it from a passing robin? Oh good, you’ve gotten Tinka out of her sappen prison.”
“It’s not Grandmamma, Delia.”
“She’s our champion.”
“She’s just been magicked to look like Grandmamma.”
“She’s actually a biggie.”
“Well if you were going to get a biggie to fight your battles, why did you shrink her? She would have found it much easier to swat the bug if she were full size.”
“What?” Manny and Maude asked, in a shout, at nearly the same instance.
“That’s allowed?”
“We should have done that.”
“I don’t see why not? If the robin heard right, the hornet only specified that your champion would meet their champion, they didn’t specify who the champion had to be.”
“Maude, get your mirror, I’ll hook up the wagon.”
“Let’s hurry.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to take your excellent advice and squash the bug’s ass as a full sized human. How much time do you think we have?”
“About 2 minutes, for I see the hornets approaching now.”
“Crap!”
“Crap!”
“Eeeek, look at the size of that thing.”
“It’s the size of a bat.”
Spotting what he guessed to be the champion hornet, one nearly twice his current size, Manny said, By the sins of my fathers, how am I going to kill that thing?”
“Don’t ask me, I always kill bugs with a book, a really thick book.” Maude said.
“We always use bows against hornets, though of course that is not allowed for this fight.”
“Stick it with spear.”
“Stomp it with your heels.”
“Umm...sure thing, I’ll get right on that. Uhh...well I guess it is time, wish me luck.”
“Good luck, Manny.”
“Good luck.”
“Kick it in the head, Manny.”
“Worry not, girls, the Duchess will not stand for these upstart hornets, I have sent notice for her to return. So even if your champion dies, and she surely will if I am any judge of the situation, you will not be out of your home long before our forces seek revenge.”
“Not helping!”
“Oh, sorry, I did not realize you were near enough to hear.”
“I hadn’t even moved.”
“So I now see, my apology. What are you doing?”
“I’m stretching. The Beige Baron always had us stretch before battle, though I was never this stretchy before.”
“Who? And why?”
“My former commander. He taught that stretching spreads a trooper’s warrior spirit, which resides in the heart, throughout the entire body.”
“That makes sense, so how much longer will it take? We really should be going.
“Are you coming along to offer me a stirring pep talk?”
“I’m acting as the pixie referee in this matter.”
“Let me get my helmet on first. Okay, I guess I’m ready.”
As the short skirted duo left the comfort of the tree, the giant hornet and a regular sized companion moved out in front of their pack. Staring in mounting horror at the monster he was about to face, Manny hopefully said, “It looks like it’s drooling, maybe it’s stupid.”
“Nay, I think what you are seeing are the leftovers from its last meal.”
“Would it hurt to be just a bit more positive?”
“I’ll try to come up with something positive. Let’s see, how about...no that’s not good...maybe...no not that either...oh, I know. That’s a nice thimble you’re wearing on your head.”
Fortunately they were almost even with the hornets, so he was spared answering the pessimistic sexpot, instead he asked, “Do you happen to speak hornet?”
“Of course I do, do you need me to translate?”
“Please.”
While the large hornet stared hungrily at the two of them, the smaller hornet, probably the same as the day before, had its speech translated by Delia. “The Empress Fgdjdihsdkehkls, Ruler of Hive Kjfldjsjhdfkd and its surrounding territory once more offers you clemency if you vacate her property.”
“Tell it no.”
“I do know what I am doing.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“The Duchess of Pretty Tree Forest disputes your mistress’ claim.”
“Pretty Tree Forest?”
“What, you expect us to call it The Forest of Perpetual Gloominess, like you biggies? That’s a stupid name.”
“Actually, now that you mention it, I do think I prefer fighting for Pretty Tree Forest. Ooops, the bug’s speaking again.”
“Then prepare to meet your doom, for Lord Cyrus, the Empress Fgdjdihsdkehkls consort, challenges your champion to prove who, by the ancient right of combat, is right in their claim.”
“So be it, Manny of the Pink Rose answers your challenge to the inhabitants of Tree Tinka and all of Pretty Tree Forest. Time to prepare for battle, Manny.”
Flitting backwards, Manny checked his helmet, brought his shield in front of his body, firmly grasped his spear, and nodded his head. Checking with the hornet judge, Celia said, “Remember, no attacking the wings. Ready? Ready?” Then clapping her hands together, she pointed to the space between the two combatants, and, in a surprisingly deep voice, shouted. “Get it on!”
The hornet was ready for the command, for hardly had the sound of Celia’s shout came to an end before it put down its head and charged like a bull. Manny did not even try to get his spear pointed at the onrushing monster, instead he made himself as small as possible behind his shield. It hit, dead in the centre of the shield, stopping it, but causing Manny to be flung, heals over head, backwards.
“Oooh, nice shants, Manny.”
“I don’t like shants.”
“We know, Nikkee.”
“I like the breeze.”
Ignoring the babble behind him, Manny struggled to regain control, finally righting himself with blurring wings. This did not come a moment too soon, for the hornet, though initially stunned by the impact, was once again charging towards him. The result was the same. And again. And again. Fighting dizziness, Manny knew he needed to change things up, thus when the hornet next approached he swooped into a dive, out of its path. Repeating this maneuver, after the hornet had stopped and reversed its charge, he saw that the oversized beast did not appear as nimble as he, though on the third try he heard and felt its stinger clang off his helmet.
They had reached an impasse, after the initial phase had allowed them to feel each other out. With the hornet hovering in front of him, not attacking, Manny darted forward to spear it with his needle, but it reacted by swinging its abdomen at him, its stinger knocking aside his thrust.
“Yay, Manny. Float like butterfly.”
“I heard that a single hornet can kill 40 bees per minute.”
“Ahh...sting like a hornet.”
“Don’t pretend you’re a bee.”
He was finding it impossible to sting like anything, the hornet’s fencing ability with its stinger proving as good as his own shield defense. So for a time the clearing was filled with the sound of snicks, as the bug parried Manny’s attacks, and thunks as Manny blocked its attacks. After one such swipe of its stinger the hornet did not retreat, instead it pounced upon Manny’s shield, its front legs trying to pull it down and expose its prey.
Desperately Manny tried to hold the button shield in place, straining against the furious scrambling of legs, deafened by its hornetiacal rattling. Losing the battle of strength and, worried only about defense, he dropped his spear, to hang from its tether around his wrist, and grabbed the handle of his shield with his second hand. Yet even with this reinforcement his shield dropped lower, the hornet’s hideous visage beginning to peek above the rim of his shield. Then he saw the tip of its terrible mandible. Instinctively he lowered his head, just in time, as the beast thrust towards his own face, but only succeeded in mauling the canvas covering of the thimble.
Meanwhile the flexible creature was trying to bend its abdomen around the bottom of his shield, its stinger rattling against the armoured plates of sap, riveted to his boots. In turn he kicked back with panicked energy, until one of the kicks connected and he felt the heel of his boot sink into its side. Having drawn first ichor, he found a rhythm, drawing his legs up in protection until he felt it strike, then kicking out with both feet. As his attacks impacted again and again, it grew easier to defend the mauling attack against his shield and helmet.
Finally the hornet had enough, Manny felt the pressure let up even further, noticed the end of its stinger attacks, and felt the weight disappear from his shield. Yet before he could raise his lowered helmet, to spot how far it moved, he felt a sudden burst of pain as its abdomen whipped around the edge of his shield and grazed his upper arm, unprotected in the armour of an archer, who would find spaulders a nuisance.
Grateful that it had not hit square, as even the scratch made his arm begin to weaken, he struggled to raise his shield back into defensive position while working to get his hand wrapped once more around the threaded handle of his hanging spear. At the same time the hornet was shaking its abdomen, seeming to test that everything worked properly. Nor did either spring to attack after finalizing their checks, instead the two combatants wearily circled each other, each trying to regain his wind. However, the longer the wait, the heavier the shield became, Manny felt he needed to do something soon.
As ichor dripped from five stiletto shaped holes in its torso, the hornet again darted forward in a charge and again Manny swooped down out of its way. Turning about, it came onwards once more, though Manny noticed that this time it moved slower than before. Wondering if it was a trap or weakness, he decided on the former and so, instead of diving downwards, shot upwards as it approached.
A good thing he did, as the hornet’s speed allowed it to drop and swing its cruel stinger at the space where it expected Manny to be. Yet this attack left it motionless, hovering beneath Manny, who did not think before acting.
“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!
Shouting the warcry of the pixies, he let the air out of his wings and dropped, spear and heel first onto the hornet’s abdomen. As one heel and the spear sunk into it body, he swung his other foot hard against the side, his heel acting almost as a stirrup as it stabbed into its side. Now it was the hornets turn to panic, causing it to dart about, up and down, around in a circle, bucking and bouncing, trying to remove the rider from its back. It would have been enough if Manny had not had wings of his own, allowing him to match the rhythm of his mount, maintaining his spot on the back of the beast. Growing more secure in his position, he dragged the heel of the first boot from the top of the hornet’s abdomen and pounded it into the opposite side from his other foot, almost locking him into place.
“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!
Drawing power from the warcry, even as his left arm drooped, the shield hanging at his side, he yanked the spear out of the hornet.
“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!
Using his full strength he slammed the spear down at the connection between the insect’s thorax and abdomen.
“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!
Yank!
“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!
Thrust!
Again and again, like a madman possessed he repeated this motion, trying to sever the connection, though missing as often as he hit, the hornet’s attempts to dislodge him growing more frantic. And then it happened, one thrust, following another found only air. The hornet’s thorax, separated from its tail end, tumbled end over end towards the ground, its furiously flapping wings only causing it to spin faster as it fell.
Watching his foe crash upon the ground, Manny waited for it to rise into the air, to challenge him once again. But it did not, righting itself and trying to fly, it could only lift itself a few finger widths before tumbling again to the ground.
“The winner, by technical knock out of the sky, is Manny the Piiiiiiiink Rose!”
Slowly spinning in place, he spotted Delia looking at the hornet spokesman and snarling. “What? You can’t try and dispute that your champion lost? Look at it, it can’t even fly anymore and we pixies don’t worry about things grubbing on the ground.”
The smaller hornet did not answer, instead it looked downwards at its lord, then turned and flew towards the other hornets. Reaching them it continued on its way, the rest following and ignoring their champion, who they had once served in any manner necessary.
“I won?”
“You won!”
“ummm...yeah, yay.”
“Manny!”
“Yay, Manny!”
“You won!.”
“And wonderful.”
“We were scared.”
“Not me, but yay, Manny!”
Welcoming the swarm, which helped hold him in the air as he felt his warrior spirit draining away in hurt and tiredness. “Can you help me back to the tree?”
Still shouting cheers, hugging him, and kissing him in a celebratory fashion, the three hauled him to the tree, allowing him to settle in front of a worried looking Maude. Looking directly at her, he said, “I don’t feel good.”
He then passed out at her feet.
“Oh no, she was stung by the hornet.”
“She’s going to die!”
“It’s just a hornet sting.”
“Sure, maybe to a biggie like you.”
“A hornet sting killed our Aunt Julia.”
“Oh no, this is really not good. We need to do something.”
“We could cover her in sap.”
“By our brilliant offspring.”
“Exactly!”
“It really is, Nikki.”
“Well you know what Mamma always says.”
“How did you get your head stuck in the window, Nikkee?”
“No, neither of those.”
“How did you get your head stuck in the drawer, Nikkee?”
“No, not those either.”
“How did you get your head stuck in the mole hole, Nikkee?”
“If you only have one good idea a year, make it brilliant.”
“I’m saving all my good ideas for a super-brilliant one.”
“We’re not going to cover Manny in sap, but I do have an idea. Lay her comfortably in the back of the wagon.”
“You have a magic healing wagon?”
“I once got my head stuck in the spokes of a wagon wheel.”
“Then stay away from the wheels when you carry Manny aboard. Meanwhile, I will hook up Andy to the wagon.”
“Who’s Andy?”
“Is he hunky?”
“It’s the auroch.”
“Oh.”
“Andy Auroch is not absolutely amazing apparently.”
“I’m going to turn Manny back into a biggie.”
“Ehhh? Well that might work.”
“Then we can take Manny sledding with us.”
Maude had quit listening to them, while she finished getting Andy hooked to her wagon. Climbing aboard the seat, she gathered the reins, and shouted. “Heeyawble!”
Like a hippo chariot at a hippodrome they were off, careening in a circle before diving over the edge of the opening, Andy’s feet and the wagon’s wheels firmly planted on the magical road. Watching it dash out of sight, the three pixies started to give chase, but were brought up short by a shout from Delia.
“Where do you think you are going?”
“With Manny.”
“Andy And. Heeheeheehee.”
“No you are not. You were about to go and get some clothes to take with you when you come back to the Duchess’ tree with me.”
“But?”
“Do you have a bat cave?”
“I don’t trust those hornets. I want you and all the other girls in the forest under my protection until your mammas get home.”
“We can have a party.”
“Girls, Girls, Girls. Dancin’ down at Duchess Tree.”
“Well of course we’ll have a party.”
Already forgotten, more important pixie matters having come up, the heroes of the tale continued to thunder down the tree. Nothing like the sedate pace of the day before, causing Maude to bounce about and Andy to bellow his urgency. Swooping onto the root, the wagon wheel’s temporarily bouncing off the path, Andy raced to the end of the root. A heaving thudding sound of his hoofs signifying when they reached their destination.
Pulling the wagon to a stop, Maude scrambled into the back of the wagon, searching through chests. Finding ointments and a clean cloth, she kneeled beside the unconscious Manny, removed his shield - grown along with the spear and thimble just like everything else - and began cleaning his wound. Hearing him moan as she did so, she sighed in realization that they were in time. “Manny, Manny, wake up dear. Wake up.”
“Uhhhhhnn.”
“Manny, wake up, Manny.”
“Was happen’?”
“You passed out from a hornet sting.”
“Arm sore, weak.”
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Uhhhhnn, ummm, yeah I am! How’d do that?””
“I biggiefied you. Now can you sit up.”
“I think so. Hey, I’m still a pixie.”
“Well, I think more of a bigxie now.”
He did not laugh at her joke, instead he looked at the shield laying beside him and the tattered rose that remained. Distractedly removing the loop of the spear from his wrist, he dropped it beside the shield, then reached to remove the helmet, finding its covering in as bad of shape as the shield’s. Surprised with how good of job his make shift items had done, he thought about the ferocious enemy he had fought. Carefully, testing, he flapped his wings, feeling them quickly settle into the blur that lifted him to hover in the air, above the wagon. Looking about, that looking so different now that he been returned to normal size, his eyes settled upon something on the ground not too far away.
Flying in that direction, he looked down at all that remained of the once horrific Lord Cyrus. Still stubbornly alive the bug periodically rattled into action, somehow finding its way to its feet, trying to launch itself into the air, and failing. Settling upon his perfectly comfortable high-heeled feet, Manny took a couple of steps, settled a boot atop the hornet, and pressed.
Pop!
Wiping the bottom of his boot off on some grass, Manny said, “Well I guess that is the end of that. Shall we head back into the tree?”
“Oh, we can’t do that.”
“What?”
“Well if you shrink again, the hornet’s poison will kill you.”
“What? But...but...the party...my reward...the girls.”
“Well if you would rather go to a party or survive?”
“Ahh, crap.”
“But I think you should keep Grandmamma Tinka’s armour as a reward, since she doesn’t currently need it, whereas you can make good use of it.”
“You think I should stay in pixie form? I thought I would change back to looking like Lirial, unless we can head back to your cabin and change me back into me.”
“You know very well we can’t do that, not if we hope to stick to our schedule and our extended stay here already put that in jeopardy.”
“I guess it’s time to go back to being Lirial.”
“Well, Manny, you know I kind of find it awkward. The last time I saw Lirial was before she started into her evil witch phase and I really miss her. Seeing you, looking exactly like her, is a constant reminder of her absence. I thought I could handle it better than I have.”
“But look at me, Maude.”
“Why whatever is the matter with how you look? You’re look like some gorgeous Amazon.”
“But I don’t want to look like some gorgeous Amazon, I want to look normal.”
“I can understand that, Manny. But there is also a practical reason for you to stay this way, for having proven yourself once more as a fighter, you can return to doing the job for which I am paying you, being my guard.”
“I suppose so.”
“And you were raving last night about flying, which will allow you to scout ahead, particularly when you get tired of hearing me talk.”
Manny had to admit that there was much he liked about this body, specifically its athleticism and strength. In it he felt grown up, still hugely different than himself, but closer than he felt as Lirial. If only he was not so unique looking. “I don’t know, Maude. I look rather unusual.”
“Manny, we’re in the Land Beyond, it’s full of strange looking individuals.”
“It is?”
“Of course it is.”
“In that case I think I will try out this form for awhile, though I don’t promise to keep it.”
“Excellent. Do you want to scout ahead?”
“Actually I think I would prefer to ride for now, the fight took a lot out of me.”
“Then hop aboard and we will get on our way.”
Flying to the wagon seat, he flipped his armoured kilt out of the way, having found out the previous day how uncomfortable it made sitting, and settled on the seat, his underskirt and shants mostly protecting his thighs. Offering Maude a hand up, beside him, his wings almost seeming to hug her, they got under way. Neither of them spoke for awhile, Maude lost in her own thoughts and Manny drifting towards sleep.
“I’m really sorry that you were unable to get your reward from the pixies, I know how desperately you were looking forward to it.”
“Hmm? Oh, well I’m just not lucky enough to have actually had that happen. I should have known all along that some twist of fate would keep me out of their arms.”
“Still, I’m sure you are frustrated, so I thought when we reached Hillsvalley tonight, I would buy you a snake and get you your own room for the night.”
“A snake, what would I want a snake for?”
“Well not a real snake. I mean one of the ones that the Priestesses of Volupe carve from ivory, then sale throughout the Land Beyond. And you definitely want to get one made by them, since they imbue them with the spirit of a rattlesnake, so that it vibrates.”
“I still don’t understand why I would want a snake, fake or real.”
“Manny, I thought someone your age would know about the Snakes and Nests.”
“What?”
“Well it’s chapter #3 of the 27 Things You Must Know in Elmadine’s book. But since we have the rest of the day left for traveling, I may as well explain it to you. Of course snake and nests are just metaphorical with the snake being the man and...”
Suddenly Manny put two and two together and got ‘I can’t believe she’s talking about this.’ He would have launched himself into the air to escape, except for the post-battle exhaustion he felt. So reaching behind him, he picked up his thimble helmet and unbuckled the sweat soaked leather cap. Pulling it out and laying it upon a chest in the wagon bed, he then lifted the thimble before lowered it, completely covering his head.
“...while the nest is the woman. Now as you probably know, snakes are always trying to find warm places in which to nest, well a man is no different. However, instead of vegetation or holes dug in the ground, he mmmmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmm.”
The End, for Now!
Comments
Off The Wall!
A fabulous imagination creates a fractured fairy tale to fracture all fairy tales!
Poor Manny! Missing out on his Nickilicious reward.
Very funny
I had more then one good laugh reading this. Bat cave indeed :)
Hugs,
Kimby
Hugs,
Kimby
A great inventive yarn
I skimmed it a bit and this looks like a great lark.
Part of me *knows* what will eventually happen, either she won't want to change back IE she becomes a woman at heart and soul or one of the mirrors used will get broken and she is stuck or having been in several magical bodies, she begins to develope the gift of magic and it makes her resistant to being changed back, abit like in Armond's Silver Apples I think is the title.
Great stuff.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
cute interlude
Manny just gets deeper and deeper. Hope to see his next adventure soon.
Off the wall Fairy Tales
How did I miss this one coming out? OMG this is so funny. I giggled the whole way though this. Inventive, funny, and yet keeping with all the standard Fairy Tale tropes. Yay!
Hugs!
grover
PS: Manny just has no luck at all has he? LOL!
Nikki, Nicky, and Nikee...
Absolutely adorable airheads! Hilarious. I almost threw up reading what they were saying to Manny or each other.
Great stuff!
So happy Maude and Manny have returned
Our unwillingly transformed male bodyguard, Manny, has a wild adventures in the fourth story. I think he is showing signs of not being so unwilling. Being a Bigxie seems his, um her default form now and I think SHE likes it.
He wasn't a bad man, rather a nice one as mercenary guards go, but she is ounce for ounce far more powerful and far more likely to be understimated by a foe, particularly given her *bordello* armour, a legacy of the warrior pixie Trixie.
This is most inventive, please do continue it. I LOVE how she clngs to Manny as HER name, she will be one inpressive bigxie woman once she decides that is her fate. And the pink *bordelo* armour, Whoopi!
Wow!
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
More Fun Than a Swarm of Beautiful Women in Hornet Costumes
I don't know where my subject line came from so don't ask. Just accept it. *giggle*
I love this story. It's such great fun, and much more satisfying as a longer story. Mirror Mirror was too short!
I love the airhead pixie triplets. Using color and placement to distinguish their dialogue is a great idea too.
The battle with Lord Cyrus was great, as were the improvised spear, shield and helmet, and as was the Lord's last gasp. Pop! What a battle!
Poor Tinka! I hope she gets out of the sap someday, and I hope Manny keeps her honor intact since he's using her form.
Watch out for live snakes, Manny! *giggle*
Thanks very much for this story.
- Terry
This was awesome!
Really cute, and whimsical, even in the silly fourth wall breaking part. I can hear Nikki, Nicky, and Nickkee in my head talking; it also shows the brave, determined side of Manny over the whiny culture-shocked side.
One suggestion though: can you put these into a serial chapter page? I missed this the first time it came out because I was confused by the page summary, and didn't read it.
Manny and Maude - 2 - On the Wall
I knew that Maude had it a planned.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Shoe-in
Always a delight to read an author whose taste in fetish heels matches my own. In this story, though, we get to the point concerning what a sharp pair of heels are for, and what they can do.