Little Pink Pills

Part Thirteen, by Michelle Wilder

When the garden's flowers,
baby, are dead
Yes, and your mind,
your mind is so full of red

Don't you want somebody to love
Don't you need somebody to love
Wouldn't you love somebody to love
You better find somebody to love

(Somebody to Love, by Darby Slick)

(Revised and reposted)

----

I wanted to sleep where Mom could see me, so I had a nap on the sofa. But I hugged Strawberry under the blanket.

Mom got her for me.

----

"Hey there, beautiful."

I woke up to Carson kissing me. It was... perfect.

After I finished kissing her back she sat down on the floor and did this wonderful soft touching thing on my face.

"I'm not beautiful, you are." I could hardly keep my eyes open when she did that.

"You're beautiful to me." She smiled and did something with her nails on my ear.

"And handsome and cute and pretty and... I'll have to look up more words." She switched to both hands.

"Striking... fair... comely...."

"What?" I had to laugh.

"Shut up and just look pretty for me.... I read it in english. It means not-ugly." She laughed then, too.

-

After a while more of her making me smile, she switched to a more serious tone, but kept stroking.

"Your mom said you had a busy day."

Like she just mentioned it... and a lot more, too. I closed my eyes again and turned my head so it pressed her hand into my cheek. I didn't want her to see me.

"Yeah... we went food shopping, and to the school. I saw Brenda, and Mr. Lopez." I looked at her.

"He says, Mom and him say I can maybe go back every second day...."

I ran down, because that wasn't really it. She kept her hand stroking. I looked at her and tried to apologize, like just opened my mouth-

"I know. It's okay." She smiled like it was and scrunched down so she was at my level and kissed me again.

"I've thought about it all the time since I told you. I never would have if I really expected... thought everything would be a big secret, forever." She made her hand softer against my face.

"It's harder for you, I know, and it's okay, and I'll help too. But ~you~ have to be safe, that's the main thing for me, okay?"

She said it all as if she knew what I'd been thinking about all afternoon after talking to Paul. Except about me instead of her.

"You want to kiss me at school, don't you?" Like she wanted to and I was just being silly not to....

A hundred reasons I had argued with myself all became more important.

"But you might get-"

She kissed me.

"I might get to give you a little kiss when we see each other. I might get to hold you." She kissed me again.

"I might get to take you to the senior prom."

She kissed me again.

"Instead of being a secret and afraid all the time, I might get to see your beautiful smile and smell your comely hair whenever I want."

She smiled even more when she said that. "Get it? Comely? Hair?"

I started to say "but" again, but she kissed me again.

"I want to, too. I don't care what anyone says. Yes, we should."

She did it again.

"And you have to be careful, and I will too, and we'll be careful, and I can't wait either."

And she kissed me again.

I forgot all the wrong things I wanted to say.

----

Mom invited Carson to stay for supper and they spent a long time in the kitchen while I listened to videos on the TV and tried to comb Strawberry's hair, which was harder than it sounds since it was really, really tangled. I'd forgotten to show her to Carson and I wanted her to look perfect.

When she noticed what I was trying to do, Mom suggested she wash it with conditioner to make it easier to untangle. And she said she'd use my shampoo for washing her too. I undressed her and It only took a minute or two before Mom brought her back, still strawberry-smelling and with damp hair.

It worked, and once I got her dressed again I combed her hair til' it was dry and I tied on her bonnet and she was as good as new.

Not that I remembered her new, but her hair felt nice and looked perfect and she was really clean, and for some reason that made me feel better. Like taking care of her was important.

I thought about ironing her clothes. They were pretty wrinkly... the petticoat especially. All the ruffles...

"Whatcha doing there, sport?" Dad leaned over the armrest and messed my hair a bit.

"Hi, Dad." I leaned my head back to touch him. "I was just wondering if I should iron her clothes, but they're tiny and I don't know if I even could...." I showed him where a little ruffle was only about a half an inch wide. He came around to sit beside me and looked at the ruffles too.

"Well, I don't know... but you could ask your mother or sister and they might be able to show you how." He reached around me and pulled me under his arm.

"How'd your day go? Get everything done you had planned?"

I turned a bit to get comfortable on him and made Strawberry kinda hug his other side.

"Yeah. We got it all done, and my leg's good, and the pills are okay, and my guidance counselor, Mr. Lopez, and Mom... they think maybe Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, full days, unless I get too tired or sore..."

I stopped when all the stuff that really happened kinda roared in. Again.

"Dad?"

"Is something wrong?" He pulled me closer.

-

I told him all the things I did wrong. I knew I was thinking only about the bad stuff again, or the worst way anything could be, but I couldn't stop thinking about them. I really believed I wasn't all the fault, and like Paul said, it wasn't all my total fault, but it was still so hard....

I told him about in school, and even that I said "her" with Brenda, and how I messed up with Mr. Lopez, and how Carson would get hurt and how I always seemed to be a crybaby and I'd never get right, better, that way, ever....

I talked a long time. More and more stuff.

He listened, and then he didn't say anything for a long time, either.

-

He talked really quietly.

"I'm a lot older than you, you know." He said it like it wasn't a joke, and I just nodded.

"I've done a lot of things that were hard, or scary... like everyone does...."

He stopped, like he was thinking.

"Marrying your Mom, and starting a family... your sister and you, when you were babies, it was hard, and I was afraid I'd mess up every day. When you were born, I even thought I'd hold you wrong and it would hurt you." He took my hand and squeezed it.

"I thought my hands were too rough, that just touching you would cut you. Or that I was too clumsy and I'd drop you." He squeezed me a second more.

"But I never did."

He was quiet, like remembering.

"When you and Valerie were toddlers, just learning to walk, I was afraid if I let you do what you wanted, go where you wanted, you'd run and fall and hurt yourselves, and I wanted to keep you close and protect you all the time. But you needed to play and run and see everything on your own, and I let you go." He bumped my head with his.

"That was very, very hard to do, and scary." He breathed a second.

"Do you remember your sister's cast, on her arm?"

I shook my head, and I don't know why but I got scared, but he hugged my hand to me under his hand, and it went away.

"Well, when ~you~ were just learning to walk, still tiny, she fell off her new bicycle one day and broke her arm."

Even though he was almost whispering, he seemed sure, or something.

"Well, it healed, and she even liked having the cast, but when I was with her in the hospital and she cried because it hurt, well, I knew I was the worst daddy in the world, to let my little baby get hurt like that."

He leaned slightly forward so I could see him, or so he could see me.

"But I wasn't. Your sister had to play, and she liked riding her bike, and she still did, even when she had her cast. And you learned to ride that same bicycle, and you fell off, too, but your big sister made you learn on the grass so you wouldn't break your arm."

He smiled.

"When Valerie started to date, I wanted to keep her perfectly safe, but she had to go out with those strange, bad boys!" He made them seem like ghosts.

""And when you played sports that could hurt you..." He hugged me hard. "You like football, don't you?"

I started to cry a little. "I can't play any more...."

"Never say never."

He hugged me really tight, really safe. After a long minute, he picked up Strawberry where I'd dropped her and gave her back for me to hold.

"When you found out you liked Carson, I was scared, too, that you'd get hurt, that your heart would be broken...."

I wanted to say that Carson wouldn't do that, but he seemed to know.

"Any time you open your heart, it might get hurt. It's part of why giving someone love is precious."

I thought. I tried to remember everything.

"Showing people that you love Carson might be scary and hard, and even dangerous. For you ~and~ her."

He sounded more like he always did. Sure. And like he wasn't ever afraid, even saying that. Like love was the really important word. Like he'd learned that.

But he waited a long time. I mean, he was quiet a long time.

"Remember, I told you your sister made you learn to ride on the grass, so you wouldn't get hurt too much?"

I nodded. He smiled at me and kissed my forehead.

"I love you."

"Me too. I love you too, Daddy."

-

He sat quiet and I leaned on him and he held me.

I looked at Strawberry and thought she was so pretty and perfect, even all wrinkly.

And I thought about what he meant, about letting me try.

Maybe about me letting Carson, too.

All the things... all the stuff just from today- school and Paul and even Dr. Wilkinson....

"I'm really scared about school...."

Dad nodded.

-

"Are you still there?" Dad wiggled me. I turned a little so I could see his eyes when he talked.

"I don't want you getting hurt, and you could be... your leg could be very badly hurt, you know."

I nodded.

"I'm more worried about your heart." He leaned his head onto mine so the sides of our foreheads touched.

"There are some bad people everywhere, even in school. Maybe especially there, for you." He stopped and leaned back to look all over my face.

He touched over my heart.

-

Before, I was going back and I needed to think about how to fit in again. Even hiding and maybe pretending about who I was. Pretending so everyone wouldn't see.

But Dad was talking about more.... Growing up, maybe. But about more important things than pretending.

-

I nodded and hugged him.

He kissed my hair and hugged me really hard.

"We'll find the best, safest way, and try."

I could still tell he was scared.

It was scary that he was that way, like me. But it was special, too, important... that he knew.

----

Carson came to get us for supper and I decided I'd show her Strawberry later. I still made sure she was comfortable on the couch.

----

Supper was quiet, I think mostly because I was thinking so hard.

Valerie was at school late and Mom and Carson talked about her friends at school... Carson's, and Brenda's. It sounded like they'd been talking about them in the kitchen, too.

I kinda listened, and mostly thought. I tried to remember learning to ride my first bike. Valerie's bike. I tried to remember her cast. I didn't even know which arm.

I remembered Dad, when I went to that party with Rayne last year. He'd sat in the living room and pretended to read the paper, even though he never did in the evening, and watched and smiled at me when I left.

I couldn't remember what he said.... but he was still up when I came home, and asked if I had a good time.

I wondered if he asked that when I tried riding a bike, or learned to walk.

-

When Dad asked if I was okay in there, I smiled I was.

I couldn't talk, but I nodded and smiled.

-

I was so okay.

-

End of Part 13