Originally posted 2009/08/02. Four chapters, complete.

The Prayer Part 1 by Andrea DiMaggio

Just Like Every Child Needs to Find a Place

"Has anybody seen Cal today?" Gina asked Betty and Maeve Ryan, the department secretary.

"I heard he got a phone call and had to go home," Betty said.

"Oh God, Betty, I thought you knew. His sister passed away this afternoon. The one day he chose to come to work to help with the Stevens girl..." Gina had known Cal since high school, but had only renewed their acquaintance this past term when he was hired as another counselor in their department. He had returned to the area to finish his graduate degree and was a welcome addition to the staff. She thought about his loss and tears came to her eyes.

Nina Torrence, Cal’s sister, had been diagnosed only three months ago with an aggressive form of uterine cancer.

Cal had been at her side nearly every day the past three weeks, but April Stevens had just returned after missing the past month recovering from physical abuse by her step-dad. Nina had been doing well the past two weeks, leaving Cal the opportunity to come to work to help April. His sister took an unexpected turn for the worse, and had died just before eleven that morning.

"Maybe we can find out where they're having the viewing and drop by." All of the women felt sorry and they had more than just an admiration for the man. He had gone out of his way to help April Stevens, who was struggling with living with an abusive step-father. She had moved out of the house and into her mother's sister's home upon being discharged, but she still experienced the fall-out from the months of physical attacks by her step-dad. Cal had been just finishing with her and her aunt when he received the call.

"You should have been here," his brother-in-law said, but quickly apologized. "I’m so sorry Cal…her last thoughts were of you." They had known each other since Roger Torrence courted his sister in high school, and he loved Roger like a brother. The two men embraced and wept as only caring men who have lost a loved one can and must. There was nothing left to do, and Nina’s body had already been taken for preparation, so said his apologies and left the funeral home, planning to return later when Nina's friends would come to pay their respects.

Mirrors play a big role in helping us learn more about ourselves, and this day was a big help, even if very painful. She looked in the mirror and remembered with great sadness that she resembled her baby sister. They had been close as two kids could be growing up, and she felt that part of her was missing. She combed her hair and tried without any success at drying the tears that cascaded down her cheeks. It could not, would never be the same, and the cold reality caused her to fall to her knees in despair. No one understood her like her sister, and likely, no one ever would. She felt alone and hopeless, unaware that Someone was looking out for her, and would send someone who would understand.

The evening’s viewing was coming to a close. Roger’s friends and family paid their respects to him and Cal. Apart from Roger, Cal had no family; he and Nina were the only children, and their parents had passed several years before; both from cancer. There were no cousins or aunts or uncles or grandparents, and all of Cal’s friends were out west where he went to college. Seeing his co-workers lifted his spirits only somewhat, but their company at least postponed his trip home.

"I'm so sorry, Cal. Nina was one of a kind, and I can't imagine how hard this is going to be for you." Nina was not only a friend; she worked as a gym teacher and softball coach at the high school. Several students had already filed through. Gina had already paid her respects to Roger, but Cal was her friend and she wanted him to know that he had people who cared, too. She hugged him, but he stiffened, as some of us may do when overwhelmed with emotion. She held his hand and gestured to her side.

"I'm sorry, Cal, I don't think you've met my husband Ben." Ben was talking with Betty and Andrea, and Gina needed to get his attention. She grabbed his arm and pulled him around.

"Cal Stuart?" Ben said in recognition, surprising Gina, who had no idea they knew each other. "I'm sorry to renew
our acquaintance under such sad circumstances. I’m glad to see you again." Ben said as he grabbed Cal’s arm and shook his hand. Ben had finished his doctorate at Temple, and Cal had been in two of his classes.

"Hey, Ben, I didn't know you were married to Gina here. You are some lucky fellow."

"That I am, laddie, that I am." Ben reached over and hugged his friend. "Please come over tomorrow?" He looked at
Gina who nodded, blinking the tears from her eyes."

The following week Cal returned to the office and picked up where he left off. He helped the Stevens girl get the remedial work she missed while she was in the hospital, and had assurances from her aunt that the step-father and mother had actually moved out of town and wouldn't be bothering her again. A restraining order and an outstanding warrant probably provided the impetus for their move out of state. He breathed a sigh of relief (yes, people actually do that) and asked Maeve if she would mind finding out if the cafeteria was still open for lunch.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stuart, but it's been closed for about a half hour. Would you like to share my tuna salad sandwich?"
Maeve was a very kind person, and would have offered anyone half her lunch. She did, however, feel especially good that Mr. Stuart might want to share lunch with her. She was about thirty, and she had never been married; in fact, she never really dated, despite the fact that she was a very attractive woman. You may recall that folks that have had difficulty in their lives and have received help through counseling often gravitate toward that field. Maeve was working on her undergraduate degree in psychology after a decade of being sidetracked with other people's ideas of what was good for her. She had spent most of her life looking for the approval only her parents could have provided but didn't, and she was finally at a place where she wanted to please herself and no one else. It wasn't selfish, really. They have the adults put on their oxygen masks first in an airplane emergency since they can't help the kids if they can't help themselves. Maeve was just attending to some long put-off consideration for her own needs that would make her better able to help others.

"Thank you, so much, that's very kind of you." Cal accepted the offer, more out of a hunger after not eating for several days rather than being polite. Maeve actually felt good about herself for her offer, and who could blame her. Having a nice man thank you can do wonders for your self-esteem. Maeve hoped that the cafeteria might be closed tomorrow as well.

She mulled over in her mind the decisions she had made the past few days. She had chosen the thing that was most urgent, and her decision, as well meaning as it was, prevented her from the one thing in the world she needed to do that day. She felt angry, wondering why it had to happen that way. She had wanted to be there for her sister; her baby sister, for God's sake! But she was too wrapped up with something "more important." Guilt washed over her like a torrent, and she once again fell to her knees in utter grief, crying out without words or sound, but in agony nonetheless. She felt ashamed that she had let her sister down, and vowed never again to look upon her own image; seeing the resemblance was too painful and more that she could bear. She would find out that the reflection another would provide through words rather than sight would begin the healing she desperately needed.

Cal stood at the dining room doorway. He had stiffened once again at Gina’s embrace, and she broke it off quickly.

"I'm so glad you could come. You remember Erica and Mark from back in the day?" Gina pointed to the couple sitting at the table talking with Ben. Erica and Mark had been classmates in high school along with Cal.

“Betty and Andrea had an emergency at the hospital, and will probably not make dinner.” Gina said, referring to their colleague and her partner. The emergency was the long-expected delivery of puppies to Mrs. Schwartz' beagle Daisy. You may recall that Betty and Andrea were wife and "husband" so to speak; Andrea preferring to live full time in her female persona, albeit non-op.

Mark was talking with the group as they waited for dinner to be served. He had just explained that he was working on a CD in conjunction with Erica’s Billy Bear book series. The CD would be for children, and would feature some lovely songs. He mentioned that his favorite was “The Prayer,” which had been recorded by Celtic Woman, Josh Groban, Celine Dion, and several others.

"It goes like this," Mark said as he began to sing. He and Erica sang to this to Marie, their eight-month-old daughter every night.

"Let this be our prayer; just like every child needs to find a place; guide us with your grace; give us faith so we'll be safe." Erica usually didn't sing outside the home, but provided a sweet harmony to Mark's melody. Mark had almost convinced her to sing backup on the recording.

"That's so beautiful, honey," Gina said, putting her head on Mark's shoulder. I can't wait to use it on our kids,"

She looked at her husband Ben and then at her best friend Erica and continued, "And no, not yet, but we're trying!"

Cal felt awkward, like the proverbial fifth wheel. He also felt uncomfortable because he still felt angry at God for taking Nina so soon in life, and his faith was weighed down by his grief. The words rang hollow and almost taunted him…”Give us faith so we’ll be safe.” What about Nina? He was overwhelmed and looked for an opportunity to take his leave.

They were just about to sit down to dinner when a soft knock came at the door.

"Oh, great!" Gina said as she went to answer the door. "You made it!" She welcomed Maeve, who had an errand to run before coming over. Gina hadn't really intended to match-make...NOT! Gina felt so bad for Cal, and wanted at least to balance the equation so he wouldn't feel too awkward. And if the extra guest just happened to be an attractive co-worker who had shared in confidence her attraction toward Cal, then so be it.

Dinner and coffee were followed by about two hours of Trivial Pursuit, and the couples were ready either for a nap or a trip to their respective homes. To no one's surprise, everyone chose the latter option. Cal and Maeve happened to be the last ones to leave, mostly out of wanting to make their evening last as long as possible. Maeve enjoyed the company and felt good about the evening. Cal stayed because he didn't want to go home and face his loneliness and grief. Maeve thanked Gina for a lovely time and would have left by herself, but Cal offered to escort her to her car. They said goodbye one last time and Maeve accepted Cal's arm. She hadn't intended to; she actually didn't, but she rubbed his arm innocently when she was saying goodbye. Cal felt guilty for the moment, since he was enjoying an evening out in betrayal of his sister's death. How dare he enjoy life? If he had been able to remember Nina as she was, he would have known that his happiness was the last thing she thought of before she died. She said as much to Roger before kissing her husband goodbye for the last time.

Cal was retrieving his mail when he looked up to see Maeve standing in the doorway.

"It was a nice night the other night, wasn't it, Mr. Stuart." She found it difficult to call him by his first name even though no one else in the office used last names. She found herself thinking about the moment they parted, wanting it to have been so much more. She imagined his kiss and she was lost in the daydream until she heard,"
"Earth to Maeve, come in?" Gina laughed and pointed to the empty door. "You can relax now, he went to his office," she teased. "Got it bad, huh sweetie? I remember when I first met Ben." Gina walked to her office and retrieved an old spiral notebook from her bookshelf. She opened the back cover and showed Maeve the following,"
"Gina Kelly....Mrs. Gina Kelly...Mrs. Regina Sorrento Kelly," among others, and finally, with a nod to political correctness, "Ms. Sorrento-Kelly."

"He's not at that place yet, sweetie, but I think he might be soon." She, as I said, had known Cal since high school, and she always felt that he was one of those people you just know will get married someday.

She stood in the hallway; frozen. She wanted look, but she feared that she would betray the vow she had made. She found herself angry at being comfortable and at ease with her new friend, and her heart ached at the thought of having no one. Her sister was lost forever, and she didn’t deserve the happiness a new friendship would bring. She dropped the clothes on the floor by the bedroom door and walked to the living room where she once again fell asleep on the couch, weeping bitter angry sad tears; alone and scared. She was scared and sad and angry, but she was never alone.

“Guide us with your grace.” The word grace is an interesting word; it comes from the Latin and it means to favor or to bend down, as if to help someone up. The name Anne comes from the Hebrew Hannah, which means the same; one of its diminutives is Nina. A coincidence? What do you think?

"Thank you so much, Mr. Stuart. April is doing so much better, and I can't imagine where we'd be if you hadn't helped us. I wanted you to know how sorry I am about your sister. She was April’s favorite teacher, and she wants you to know how much she misses her. It must be so hard, and I pray for grace to see you through this time. Thanks again, Mr. Stuart; God Bless."

Cal hung up the phone and felt good, without any guilt, for the first time in a long while. He looked over at the picture on his desk. Nina was holding her diploma from grad school and had the sweetest smile. He found himself feeling lighter, almost as if a weight had been lifted. Gina had reminded him that morning that the Steven's girl might have dropped out of school if he hadn't been available. And likely only Gina could have said what she said next,

"Cal...You couldn't have known that Nina was going to die that day. You said yourself that she was proud of you and your work. Wouldn't she have wanted you helping April?" He wanted to argue, but he had no argument for the words. Nina would have wanted him to help. In fact, the more he thought of it, his work with the Steven's girl was an honor to his sister's memory. He had broken down right in Gina's office, glad that no one heard his sobs. Gina, being used to strong men of kindness and character who cried, embraced her grieving friend while looking upward and mouthing, "Thank You." Just outside Gina’s door, Maeve Ryan stood, not meaning to eavesdrop, but unable to avoid hearing the sobbing man inside. She closed her eyes, squeezing out her own tears as she prayed for the man she had fallen in love with.

She opened the door and peeked in. The mirror hung on the wall in the same place. There seemed to be more light in the room, and she felt somehow encouraged by that. She walked gingerly to the mirror and looked at her image. She wore her favorite dress, a nice light blue floral. She remembered that her sister had worn almost the same dress, only in pink at the day of her viewing. The memory would have been painful but for the love and encouragement she recalled her sister gave to her; a gift to be shared with the boys and girls she helped daily. She remembered the words to the song she had recently heard. "Just like every child needs to find a place." She felt at last she had found her place. She even found her name; Annabeth. Annabeth…a blessing of grace. She looked at herself in the mirror once again, and while she didn't smile, neither did she frown.

Next: Annabeth makes a friend.