All at Sea

"Well, think again, Jeffrey - eating a Penguin bar is the closest I've come to killing an albatross."

"Funny you should say that, Susie, because their chicks are a delicacy; you scoff the lot - bones and all."

"What about the beak and feet?"

"Obviously not, but everything else - apart from the feathers."

"I've never seen them down Tesco's, Jeffrey."

Susie and Jeffrey 44 - 47 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 44

"Have you ever been in a punt, Jeffrey?"

"Never, Susie, there aren't any on the boating lake. I have paddled my own canoe, though."

"That's not quite the same thing."

"They both can be tricky to handle. We'd be better off with a couple of kayaks."

"I think sharing a punt would be more romantic, Jeffrey. I could lay back and look up your skirt while you poled us along."

"Control yourself, Susie." I puffed out my cheeks and pulled hard on the oars.

"This is no time to be developing sea fever. I'm struggling manfully against the current, and you sit there jabberwocking away."

Susie trailed her hand in the choppy water. "There's not much more I can do without a rudder thingy. I gave you the rhythm and got you going in-out like a fiddler's elbow. I thought we were skimming along rather nicely."

"We are, but in the wrong direction. If we carry on at this rate, we may well be paying a visit to the land where the Bong-tree grows."

"I like a bit of nonsense, Jeffrey - and we are in a pea-green boat, or hadn't you noticed?"

"My mind's on other things, Susie," I snorted as I completed another stroke. "This isn't a quiet dreamy backwater - I only wish it were. I don't want to worry you, but we're in danger of being lost at sea."

"We'll be okay, Jeffrey, I have complete confidence in your nautical nous. I'm happy to put myself in your very capable hands."

"You're supposed to be looking after me."

"I'm taking care of the Denise side of things. We're in more of a Jeffrey-boy-brain situation at present."

"We seem to be encountering a lot of those, Susie. I didn't expect to be taking on so much responsibility; I'd led a very sheltered life until I met you."

"This is all helping to build your moral fibre, Jeffrey. It'll stand you in good stead for the future. Marriage is an equal partnership; it's not just about sharing each other's clothes."

"Hell, Susie, if that was all I wanted, I could have found a safer way to fulfil my cross-dressing fantasies than this - not that I had any until I met you."

"Jeffrey!"

"Well, not many - and none involving exotic underwear. I would have been happy to be the shy young schoolgirl next door."

"Just like me."

"Not exactly."

"Whatever, I'm sure your dream will come true one fine day."

"Well, it won't be this one."

"Have faith, Jeffrey - God moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform."

"Let's hope so, Susie," I sighed forlornly as another wave lapped over the side and added to the growing puddle in the bottom of the boat. "You know what they say - if you want to learn to pray go to sea."

"There's no need to be alarmist - I can see three lighthouses."

"Two and a half: the outer one's got its top missing."

"This is no time for nit-picking, Jeffrey. Shouldn't you line them up and steer on that course?"

"I would if I could, but the current has other ideas."

"Maybe I'd better start waving. How do you semaphore S.O.S?"

"Don't stand up," I cried as Susie shifted in her seat. "You'll fall overboard."

"I'm only turning round."

"It'll do no good; they're all unmanned and there isn't much hope of anybody seeing you from the beach."

Susie looked back to the fast receding shoreline. "You'll just have to put in a bit more effort, Jeffrey, because we're going in totally the wrong direction."

"I'm doing my best, but this boat wasn't designed for the open sea."

"Is the rowing hard work?"

"Bloody hard work in high heels."

"Language, Denise."

"What I've been through today would make a snake swear. Put my trainers back on or we'll definitely be out here all night."

Susie retrieved her bag and took out my shoes. "Cheer up, this can only be good for Pinky and Perky's development."

"What do you mean? All I'm getting is goose bumps."

"I thought pulling on those oars might do for your boobs what cycling has done for your buns - build them up nicely."

"Just the opposite, I should imagine. If I went to a gym and started pumping iron, they'd probably disappear in a mass of muscle."

"You haven't been thinking of doing that, have you, Jeffrey?"

"No, but I wouldn't mind having a hidden reserve of strength; it'd certainly come in useful right now. I always wanted to be Supergirl - she was my ideal. I wish I'd been dressed in her costume instead of that silly Spiderman suit."

"And would you have come out of your room in it?"

"Probably not, but I wouldn't have ripped it off straight away and I would have slept in it every night."

"Hoping you'd wake up as her in the morning."

"Or with her, even. Firm and lithe - that's what I like - how about you, Susie?"

"Suits me, Jeffrey - you keep on with the cycling."

"We both will, Susie."

"Within reason, Jeffrey, I think I'm one of those natural athletes who don't need much exercise. I don't want to risk getting muscle-bound."

"Heaven forbid, Susie."

She took off my high heels and started polishing them. "Carry on in stockinged feet, I don't want the sea-water to ruin these."

"I wish you'd get your priorities right."

"I have, Jeffrey."

"Well, whistle while you work - or better still, how about a rousing sea shanty to propel me along."

"I know exactly the thing," Susie grinned.

"You're right on both counts, Susie, but you shouldn't be so happy about the first one."

"Keep on rowing, Denise."

"I'm afraid I may be fighting a losing battle, Susie."

"I don't want to dismay you, Susie, but we're still drifting out to sea faster than we're going across."

"I'm puzzled about this - Captain Haddock definitely said the tide was coming in."

"We were misinformed, Susie."

"Are you sure, Jeffrey?"

"I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines. Get my trainers back on before it's too late."

"Maybe a friendly dolphin will turn up and lend a helping flipper, Jeffrey."

"No chance, Susie - with our record, an animal would need to have a hole in its head to come anywhere near us."

"Don't be so negative, we rescued a kitten at great personal risk to ourselves."

"To myself, Susie."

"And me - I didn't desert my post under that shower of debris. I had to wash my hair three times to get it all out."

"It hardly compares with falling from a rooftop."

"Been there, done that."

"From less than half way up."

"Don't change the subject; you wouldn't believe the little beasties I found floating in the water. It's a wonder I haven't got nits."

"I've always avoided hair contact at school - you can't be too careful."

"Well, thanks to you, I could have started my own Coleoptera collection." Susie paused and smiled. "Here's one for you, Jeffrey. Who said 'God must be awfully fond of beetles'?"

"Darwin."

"Bugger! - I'm not playing Trivial Pursuit with you."

I gave up rowing and watched the shore disappear in the distance, as we were swept further out to sea.

"Well, I hope God loves us as much because we may need some divine help to get out of this."

"Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink. I'm thirsty, Jeffrey."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am. All this physical activity takes it out of you. I'm in danger of dehydration."

"You can go for days without water. I'm the one doing the rowing and that's the least of my worries."

"I'd suck on a pebble, like they do when they're lost in the desert, but I haven't got one."

"Improvise - use a pound coin. It'll probably be even better."

"Money's full of germs."

"Use a shiny new one. Copper coinage is practically sterile; you won't come to any harm."

"You wouldn't do it."

"I'm a namby-pamby, not a fearless feminist like you - and I'm not thirsty."

"Maybe I'll just suck my thumb."

"Babies put all sorts in their mouths."

"Only because they don't know any better."

"It's a natural instinct; it's the first thing chimps do when they come across a new object."

"I'm not a chimpanzee, Jeffrey."

"Then give it a wash first - like a racoon."

"Doesn't drinking sea-water send you mad?"

"Try some - I shouldn't think you'll be in much danger."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing, Susie."

"It was the way you said it, Jeffrey. I've told you before, Denise is developing a definite catty streak."

"Sorry, Susie, I was thinking of that Frenchman who believed he could cross the Atlantic drinking only sea-water and his own urine."

"I'm not falling for it, Jeffrey."

"It's true."

"You're going to say he was on Concorde."

"I'm not. He was a single-handed yachtsman intent on proving his theory - and he made it. So like I said, you'll be in no danger."

"I'm not swallowing another of your fishy tales."

"No, what you want is a fish's eyeball to suck on. They're real thirst quenchers - so I believe."

"I won't be visiting any sushi restaurants with you, Jeffrey."

"There's no danger of that, Susie. The best you can hope for is the local chip shop and eating them out of the paper."

"Get us out of this, Jeffrey and they'll be on me. I think it's time to start rowing again; there's a bank of fog coming our way."

I picked up the oars and gave it a go, but it was useless, we were soon surrounded by a damp mist.

"I don't suppose you carry a Swiss army knife with a compass built in."

"Only a nail-file, sorry."

"It's a thought for the future; we should come out better equipped."

"Mikey has a thing for getting the stones out of horses' hooves."

"That wouldn't be much good to us. I don't think we're animal people."

"It'd come in handy for puncturing car tyres."

"The scary thing is I can see we might want to do that - bring it with you next time."

We drifted deeper into the fog and a clammy silence surrounded us.

"This is creepy, Jeffrey. Did you listen to the shipping forecast last night?"

"I fall asleep thinking about you now, Susie."

"That's sweet," she smiled.

"You're never out of my thoughts - everything reminds me of you."

"Really?"

"Yes, even when I'm inflating my tyres, the pump seems to say 'Susie-Susie-Susie'."

"You've given me a nice warm feeling, Jeffrey, because I know how much you love your bike."

"Thank you, Susie, I'm only sorry I'm not better prepared for this situation."

"It's not your fault, Jeffrey. I'm coming to the conclusion that these things happen without rhyme or reason."

"You've never shot an albatross with your little bow and arrow, have you?"

"Of course not - I don't know where you get such ideas from."

"The thought just popped into my head; I'm only trying to make sense of it all."

"Well, think again, Jeffrey - eating a Penguin bar is the closest I've come to killing an albatross."

"Funny you should say that, Susie, because their chicks are a delicacy; you scoff the lot - bones and all."

"What about the beak and feet?"

"Obviously not, but everything else - apart from the feathers."

"I've never seen them down Tesco's, Jeffrey."

"It's the sort of stuff they sell at Harrod's. The Queen gets first dibs on them - like with swans and sturgeons."

"I can't believe she really eats swans, Jeffrey."

"She has what you call an educated palate, Susie. Royals are brought up to shovel down all sorts of stuff. They'd have no trouble in the jungle with the bush-tucker."

"We had a goose one Christmas; it was awfully greasy - I gave mine to the cat."

"You haven't got a cat."

"Not any more, after the accident with the tumble-dryer."

"You didn't, Susie."

"Jeffrey! Have you ever known me inflict cruel and unusual punishment on any living thing? With my temperament, I could easily be a Buddhist."

"Was it Mikey, then?"

"No, it was Lucky's own fault."

"He crept in for a catnap, did he?"

"No, he tripped up the removal men and they dropped it on the poor boy. They made cat jam out of him."

"It can't have been a pretty sight."

"You're dead right there."

"Our Nicky met a similar fate; he jumped out under a double-decker bus."

Susie gave me a thoughtful look. "Do you know, I don't think cats are as clever as they're cracked up to be. They get themselves in some sticky situations."

"Old age had taken its toll on Nicky, but he was a smart cat in his youth. He liked to eat Cheesy Wotsits."

"What's clever about that - did he go down the shop and buy them himself?"

"No, but when he'd finished, he'd sit in front of a mouse-hole and patiently wait there with bated breath."

"You and your shaggy dog stories," Susie snorted. "I hadn't finished the tale of my heroics with Lucky."

"Go on, then."

"Well, mum fainted and dad made himself scarce looking after her. Lucky was Mikey's cat, but I stepped forward and did my best for the little blighter. I put him in a shoebox, wrapped it up in Christmas paper and told Mikey it was a present for God."

"I'm sorry I've been misjudging you, Susie. You're obviously a veritable Francis of Assisi to our dumb friends."

"I've had my lapses, Jeffrey. I did once feed an Alka-seltzer to a seagull. I told Mikey it would explode and he ran in crying. I don't know why everyone made such a fuss. They're nasty pieces of work in my opinion."

"You may be glad of their company because there's nothing else out here. Listen to that."

A faraway squawking greeted us as we emerged from the mist into a dazzling sunset.

"This is better, Jeffrey, it's time to look on the bright side, we're bound to be rescued. We'll run across one of the yachts from the marina - or we may even get a ride in a helicopter."

"That isn't very likely; no one's going to report us as missing at sea. I'm hoping we bump into land somewhere and we can steal silently away. I wouldn't want to explain my choice of naval uniform to the powers that be."

"A lot of Japanese boys get dressed up as Sailor Moon."

"I'm not very keen on anime - I find the big eyes unsettling."

"It was just an idea. Do you want to swap clothes?"

"We'd probably capsize in the attempt - and what good would it do?"

"You could pass yourself off as a fop."

"There's nothing foppish about me; I've no interest in fashion. I'm a serious thinker."

"Well, how about one of those boys who go around with long hair and wear lipstick - what are they called?"

"I don't know - and I'm not one of them either."

"I'm only trying to help."

"If we do get rescued, I'd rather keep up the pretence of being a fourteen year old schoolgirl - that's the best way to keep my name out of the paper."

"We'll be okay. It's not as if we're criminals or anything. We'll act dumb - two silly sausages who didn't know any better. They'll give us a lecture and send us off home."

"After they've rung our parents - I hope mum's alert enough not to give me away."

"You should tell her before you go out - if the police call about your daughter Denise they have in custody, don't forget it's me."

"I can't say that - she'd have a fit. What's she going to think I'm getting up to? She'd lock me in my room and ..."

"Take away your trousers."

"Yes - and I couldn't blame her."

"Don't worry, I'll make clear it's just a precaution - like wearing a clean pair of knickers."

"Well, that won't do me much good either. Jeffrey can't be caught wearing a pair of knickers - clean or otherwise. That's your trouble, Susie - you don't think things through. You launched us in this boat without a thought of the consequences."

"That's not fair, Jeffrey, you started all this by dragging me off that bus - otherwise we would have been home by now."

"I'm sorry, Susie, we shouldn't argue. I'm becoming a little fraught. There seems to be a lot more water in the bottom of the boat than when we started out."

Susie looked down. "I'm sure I can see bubbles, Jeffrey. I think we'd better start baling."

"It'll be dark soon - this time we've run out of luck."

"Never say die, Jeffrey, keep rowing."

"Yes, sir."

Susie baled and I rowed. We were going north instead of south, but no further out to sea.

"I'm winning, Jeffrey, the level's going down. I can see where the bubbles are coming from." Susie thrust her hand under the water. "I'll give it a poke."

"No, leave well alone ..."

"Oh bugger, my finger's gone right through."

"Don't pull it out," I yelled.

"I couldn't if I wanted to - it's stuck, Jeffrey."

"That's all right, then."

"No, it's bloody not. What if something has a nibble at it?"

"I meant it's all right it's a tight fit. We'll have time to ..."

"To what, Jeffrey? I'll have to keep my finger in here or we'll sink."

"No, I think the correct description is we'll be awash."

"What does that mean?"

"It means we'll be sitting shivering in the sea, Susie."

"I'd rather be Susie selling sea-shells on the sea-shore. This is uncomfortable, Jeffrey - do something."

I stopped rowing and got my torn tights out of Susie's bag.

"We can stuff the hole with these. I'll press down around your finger that should loosen the grip."

"Hurry up then, I can feel it going numb."

I leant forward and pushed down on the bottom of the boat and felt the wood give way.

"Pull your finger out, Susie."

She did and some of the plank came with it. The water gurgled up through the gaping hole left behind.

"Quick, Jeffrey, stuff it in."

I did and kept it shoved in place with the heel of my shoe.

"That should teach you to consider your actions a little more carefully in future. I hoped you've learned an important lesson from this, Susie."

"I certainly won't be sticking my finger in a dyke, Jeffrey."

"I wish you'd stuck to your post like the little Dutch boy because I can feel it coming over my shoe. Get baling again."

Susie started scooping out the water. "I can't keep this up all night."

"It's either that or we're going to have very soggy bottoms."

Susie grimaced and carried on before suddenly throwing up her hands in mid scoop. "Salvation, Jeffrey! Salvation!" She cried. "Our deliverance has appeared out of the mist."

"Oh God, Susie, don't start hallucinating."

She jumped to her feet and began frantically waving "Ahoy there! Ahoy there!"

"Don't rock the boat," I cried as I clung frantically on to the oars. "What is it?"

"A yacht, Jeffrey. A yacht! a yacht! Our kingdom for a yacht - we're saved. Full steam ahead."

I turned my head and a wave of relief swept over me when I saw a white yacht, with its sail flapping in the setting sun.

"Get back in your seat, Susie, before you fall overboard."

She sat down with a bump and started baling again. "Row, row, row the boat, Jeffrey."

"Aye, aye, captain," I smiled and set about my task with renewed vigour.

"We're closing on her fast - left hand down a bit."

"Do you mean this?" I heaved on the left oar.

"That's right - now steady as she goes and we'll hit her smack on the sharp end."

"It's amazing, Susie," I grinned.

"What, Jeffrey?"

"Your command of the nautical vernacular - I wonder where you get it from."

"From watching Star Trek, of course. Now, impulse power only and stand by for docking."

"I hope there are no Klingons on the starboard bow, Susie."

"If there are, Jeffrey, remember - we come in peace - shoot to kill."

 

Chapter 45

"It looks like it's welcome aboard the Marie Celeste. I can't say I'm surprised."

"Trust us to find a ghost ship, Jeffrey. Is there anybody there?" Susie banged on the front of the cabin. "Answer one knock for 'no', two for 'yes'."

We'd made it safely on board, but there was no welcoming party. I turned and watched the rowing boat drift slowly away, settling ever lower in the water.

"Well, we're stuck here now whether we like it or not. We couldn't have spent the night in that."

"Five pounds for a leaky boat; we were done, Jeffrey."

"We could have been done for, Susie. We'd be going down with our ship if it hadn't been for this stroke of luck."

"You had a plan B, though, didn't you?"

"Course I did, but we don't need it now."

"I won't ask what it was, then," Susie smiled. "We'll concentrate on our future strategy."

"Right - first, let's see what we can do about that." I pointed at the flapping mainsail. "It's making me feel uneasy."

"Have you any experience sailing a yacht, Jeffrey?"

"Only a model one - I ran down a swan."

"You're not inspiring me with confidence."

"I soon had it repaired. I'd made it myself - from plans, not a kit. I was so proud of my achievement."

"Your creative urge is a sublimation of a desire to have a baby."

"You do talk some nonsense, Susie. It's definitely my boy side; I'm also forever taking things apart to see how they work. Girls don't do that sort of stuff."

"I dismantled Mikey's Teddy Ruxpin."

"Ah, but could you put it together again?"

"I was only eight, Jeffrey - and it defeated dad as well. I think I may have mislaid a few of the bits or maybe the cat ate them."

"Did you have to buy Mikey a new one?"

"I was supposed to, but he soon forgot all about it. I took over the role of storyteller and he liked my efforts better."

"No doubt it was the added content you supplied."

"You're right. Once I got going, I could be quite inspired. I had a real imaginative streak when I was younger."

"I bet he wanted to sleep with the light on when you'd finished."

"Spot on again, Jeffrey - it's uncanny how you know what I'm going to say next."

"Absolutely uncanny, Susie, it's a mystery to me how I do it."

"It is spooky, Jeffrey, I think we must share a consciousness on some higher plane. I had a shivery feeling the first time I met you."

"That would have been the spray of WD-40 in your belly-button."

"You can mock, but have you a better explanation for our empathy."

"No, it's incomprehensible - like a scrambled problem in Chinese."

"I suppose that's one way of looking at it, though it's not the first thing that springs to my mind."

"You can think about it later. Come on, stop wasting time and let's see to that sail."

We cautiously made our way aft. Susie tugged on my arm as we reached the stern.

"What are those down there, Jeffrey?"

"Black boots, Susie."

We could see them sticking out of the steering well.

"There'll be a corpse on the other end of them, mark my words, Jeffrey."

I gave a shove on the boom and it swung over to reveal a man slumped up against the side.

"Oh, not another one, Susie."

"I told you so. What's the body count now, Jeffrey?"

"This makes three today - not counting moths - and five in all, but we can't be blamed for the death of this ancient mariner."

"He is a bit of a grey-beard loon, but he doesn't have the not-at-home look of the squire. We'd better check him out, Jeffrey."

"After you, Susie, you're the ologist around here."

"Come on, we'll do it together - and mind that sail."

We crept down and bent over the body.

"He's got a lump the size of a golf ball on the front of his head and he's been bleeding from the back. He's had a double whammy, Susie."

"He doesn't seem to be breathing, but don't you have to be alive for bumps and bleeding."

"Maybe he was at first. The boom must have hit him and then he banged his head again in the fall."

"He could be in a coma; we should try to resuscitate him."

"I think it's best we leave well alone - we don't know what we're doing."

"Speak for yourself - I've a certificate, Jeffrey. I'm a fully qualified ..."

Susie hesitated.

"A fully qualified what, Susie?"

"I don't know exactly. I was only ten at the time, but whatever it was, I passed with flying colours - we all did. I'll give him some CPR - it can't make matters any worse."

"Well, go easy, don't crack a rib or anything - we already have enough to explain."

"Oh, don't make a mockery of it, Susie."

"I'm not - this is the official time-keeping song.

"Give him a breath, Jeffrey."

"Aw, Susie."

"Get on with it - you don't want another death on your conscience, do you?"

"But ..."

"No buts, you're still kiss proof; it'll look unseemly if he's dead and covered in lipstick."

"You can wipe it off."

"Get on with it."

I pinched his nose, eased open his mouth and lowered my head.

"Oh, Susie, he's drunk - he's not dead. He's warm in there. Get off - we don't want him to wake up."

"We can't just leave him lying here."

"He's had a bang on the head. He may have a fractured skull - it's best we do nothing. I'd cover him with a blanket if I had one, but that's my limit."

"You weren't so reluctant to give Max the kiss of life."

"I was so. It was just that I felt responsible for his predicament."

"He'd swallowed his own spit, Jeffrey."

"I didn't know that. I thought he'd had a fit - it was scary. I'm like you - I have no interest in kissing boys."

"Well, watch out, Mikey's planning to get you - preferably in front of one of his friends and on camera."

"You can tease all you like, but if he succeeds, it won't count. It'll be a family thing; I look on him as a little brother. Now, can we get back to our immediate problem?"

"What's that, Jeffrey?"

"Duck, Susie."

We both hit the deck and I grabbed the boom as it passed over my head.

"Hold on, Jeffrey - I'll get the rope thingy."

Susie grabbed it and ended up sitting at the helm - tiller in one hand, rope in the other. The wind filled the sail and the yacht began to make headway.

"Hey, Jeffrey, I can drive this. Look, we're under steam."

"We're going further north, Susie - away from home."

"I can't help it, that's how the wind's blowing."

"The art of sailing is to go in the direction you want - not where the wind takes you."

"This is better than just bobbing around, Jeffrey, at least we're not drifting further out to sea."

"It'll be dark soon - what are we going to do then?"

"The same as those round the world sailors; we'll steer by the stars. Actually, I'll be leaving the navigation to you. I'm sure constellations and stuff are one of your strong points."

"Thank you, Susie, I always like it when you recognise my intellectual qualities."

"It's knowing when to delegate, Jeffrey." She bent down, picked up the fallen captain's hat and jammed it on her head. "Splice the main brace and swab the poop deck, Miss Christian."

"Oh, shut up, Susie."

"What shall we do with the drunken sailor, Jeffrey?"

"I think I heard him snoring, Susie."

"That's a good sign; he'll probably have nothing worse than a hangover."

"He did have a nasty knock on the head. I suppose we should try the radio and see if we can get him some help."

"That'll mean the lifeboat coming out and a bit of a fuss, I shouldn't wonder."

"We have to do the right thing and hope for the best. When we land, I'm off straight to the toilet and making a run for it."

"Oh, not again, Jeffrey."

"You hang around and explain things if you like. Tell them I'm a mystery girl you met while waiting for the ferry."

"I'll say I think you'd run away from home and you wouldn't tell me your name or anything."

"No, don't do that. The less said the better; you never know when to stop. Just claim total ignorance about me."

"As in everything, Jeffrey, I shall follow your orders to the very letter."

"Good, now hold her steady, I'm going down below."

"Okay, number one," Susie laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"Every now and then, Denise, when Jeffrey speaks, you come over as a right little madam."

"Well, I'm sorry, but sometimes it's the only way to get through to you."

"I don't mind - go on, say it again."

"Say what again?"

"'I'm going down below'. And give me a salute - I am your captain."

On the way up my arm screened the sun, and I saw a large black shape on the horizon.

"Ship ahoy," I cried. "This could mean a change of plan."

Susie turned in her seat and looked in the direction I was pointing. "It's heading straight for us, Jeffrey; I hope they're keeping a good look-out."

"We'll be on their radar, Susie. We have to make sure they stop and pick us up."

"How are we going to do that? They might think we're just waving at them."

"We'll set off a distress flare. That'll get their attention. They'll stop when they see a flat out old man and two helpless young girls."

"You'll have to do helpless for both of us, Denise, it's against my principles."

"Okay, but take that cap off, we don't want them to think there's a competent sailor at the helm."

Susie threw it after me as I made my way to the cabin. "I'll show you competence, Jeffrey - I'm steering north by north-west that'll bring us right up under her bows."

I found the emergency locker and returned with four flares. "Here, Susie, you set them off - I've always been nervous around fireworks."

"Shouldn't I have a glove?"

"It won't explode."

"Well, you do it, then; I've my hands full holding her steady."

I sighed and picked up the captain's hat. "I can hold them with this. I suppose I'd better do it; I'm the only one who'd bother to read the instructions."

"I never need to; I pick things up intuitively as I go along. It's another of my gifts."

"Here we go, Susie, don't tell my mum I did this. She wouldn't like me playing with fireworks."

I closed my eyes and banged the base of the flare onto the deck. It burst into life and I swiftly hung my arm out over the side.

"Thrust it up, Jeffrey, you want people to see it."

"I'm frightened of getting sparks in my hair."

BBBUUUURRRRHHHHHH.

"They've seen us, Jeffrey - wave."

BBBUUUURRRRHHHHHH.

I set off a second flare and watched as the ship turned towards us.

"Thank God for that. We were closer to disaster than you think, Susie."

"I was never worried."

"Well, you should have been."

"Nonsense, I'm with you, Jeffrey - what is there to worry about?"

"Nothing - I forgot I'm Supergirl."

"Right - and I hope you have the same confidence in me."

"In spades, Susie. I can't imagine how else I could have ended up in such a situation."

"I'll soon be delivering you home safe and sound, Jeffrey and in some style - that's a smart ship."

"It's the Isle of Man - Heycambe ferry. We won't be going home - this means another detour."

"Our expedition is turning out to be quite an odyssey, Jeffrey."

"Don't say that - they wandered aimlessly for years."

"Look on the bright side - we're going to Heycambe - we'll still be in the same county."

"Only just, but I suppose I should be grateful we're still in the same country."

"We'll be closer to home than you think - dad's brother, Uncle Frank lives there, so you can take comfort in that."

"I'd rather not pay him a visit."

"Me too, Jeffrey, I'm under a bit of a cloud with his whole family at the moment. I'll be avoiding them until things have settled down."

"You don't owe him a new car or anything, do you?"

"It was a only a minor misunderstanding, but he tends to overreact. You could have knocked me over with a fender when he told dad I was dangerously out of control."

"I knew it - you have smashed up his car. How much are you in hock to him?"

"Nothing - we're well and truly in the black at the moment."

"Good, because we don't want to start married life with a mountain of debts."

"Joking aside, Jeffrey, maybe we can make some money out of this. Do you know anything about salvage? We could be the legal owners of this yacht."

"I don't think so."

"We've boarded and taken her as a prize. It's the law of the sea."

"We're not at war, Susie."

"I'm sure there's something about abandoned vessels."

"He hasn't abandoned it, Susie, he's only unconscious."

"He's incapacitated, Jeffrey."

"If we tossed him overboard, we might have a stronger claim."

"It's a good job we've retained our scruples, Jeffrey."

"Only just in my case, Susie - sometimes I feel they're hanging by the barest thread."

"Not long now, Jeffrey, look they're all lining the deck watching us. Somebody will put this on YouTube."

"Bloody marvellous."

"It'll be all blurry - no one will recognise you. Come on, give them a wave."

"No, I'm acting too traumatised by my ordeal to speak."

"That's not a good idea; they may want to check you over for any physical damage. We should appear as bright as two shiny new buttons."

"Let's be speechless with gratitude, Susie."

"You can be the quiet one, but don't descend into sulkiness - speak when you're spoken to."

"In that case, we should settle on our story."

"Why do we need a story?"

"Well, in the first place, it'll stop you surprising me with one of your flights of fancy."

"Strange as it may seem, Jeffrey, I can't see anything wrong with telling the truth. I was hoping we'd be feted as two girls in daring sea rescue."

"We're not two girls and there won't be much feting when they find out we went to sea in a rowing boat, which we probably stole, by the way."

"We paid a fair price for it; the damn thing wasn't even seaworthy. We could have drowned, Jeffrey."

"All the more reason for there to be a right hoo-hah; you only have to jump off the pier to make the front page in the local paper."

"You're exaggerating - it's not like they had to call out the lifeboat to rescue us."

"We'll be pilloried as a pair of teenage joy-rowers. Even if I manage to avoid being exposed as a crazy cross-dresser, mum will still go mad and you can finally say goodbye to getting a car for your birthday."

"Saving a life will more than balance things out, Jeffrey. At the worst, we'll be flawed heroes; they're the best kind - everybody loves them. All the other stuff will be forgiven and forgotten."

"No, it won't and we haven't exactly saved a life. If the truth be told, he more than likely saved ours."

"No way: he could have drifted forever - or been swept overboard, but for our timely intervention. I think we should make a point of that."

"We can maybe hint at it."

"This isn't the time for false modesty, Jeffrey. Like you say, we may need all the credit that's going. Let's make out we found him hanging over the side inches from death."

"Okay, but no mention of how we got here. We were all out for a sail together when the skipper had an unfortunate accident."

"Two teenage girls go on a yachting trip with a drunken old man. It sounds a bit iffy to me. We might be raising a few eyebrows with that story."

"You're right, Susie, we have our reputations to consider - especially mine. I wouldn't want mum to think Denise was that kind of girl - or Jeffrey was that kind of boy."

"At least, you're not wearing a sailor suit."

"What difference would that make, Susie?"

"None, Jeffrey, it was just a piece of whimsy on my part."

"I've been thinking I wouldn't mind dressing up as Sailor Moon for you, but go easy on the eye make-up - I don't want to look like Bambi."

"You're the one who's letting his mind wander in a crisis now," Susie smirked. "While I've been thinking logically and come up with the perfect plan. Get this: we can say we're his granddaughters - problem solved."

"That's adding another layer of complications - apart from the fact he could come round and disown us. Then where would we be?"

"That's not very likely and if he does, we'll say he must be suffering from amnesia."

"What if they ask us about him?"

"All we need is to know his name; anything else we can make up."

"They'll ask us if we want to phone home - what then?"

"Simple: start crying and I'll take you over to a quiet corner."

"I can't just turn on the tears."

"Yes, you can. You have it down to a fine art - you must be practising in front of a mirror."

"It's all genuine emotion," I protested. "With Denise, what people see is what they're going to get."

"Apart from me."

"And mum."

"I didn't quite mean it that way, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie, but Denise is an old-fashioned girl - she's feigning ignorance."

"And she'll feign some tears as well."

"Okay, but don't really call home."

"Why not? They'll be getting worried about us."

"I know, but we don't want to give them any way of tracing us. We'll sneak a phone later somehow."

"You mean steal one."

"Borrow one and throw it overboard - that seems the safest option."

"All right - are you happy now?"

"No - what happens when they cart him off to hospital? They'll expect us to stick by his side."

"All the better, we won't be detained on the boat when we dock. We'll get a free ride, and then when they wheel him away, we hang behind and disappear. We melt away into the night - no questions asked."

"You're too cunning for my own good, Susie - something's bound to go wrong."

"The only drawback I can see is if he's a millionaire - he won't have a chance to show his gratitude."

"It's hardly likely."

"He owns this yacht; he can't be short of the readies."

"Resign yourself to working for a living, Susie."

"I still think his insurance company owes us something. I wouldn't be surprised if it was Lloyd's of London, but I'm willing to forgo all that to preserve your anonymity."

"I'll be forever in your debt."

"I know, Jeffrey - come on, we'd better find out granddad's name - and ours."

Susie retrieved his wallet from his inside pocket, flipped it open and muttered silently to herself.

"Well, who is he?"

"Just a second - I'm having a bit of trouble getting my tongue around it."

"I just knew it - we're going to be the Shufflebottom sisters."

"You couldn't be more wrong, Jeffrey."

"Go on then, what is it?"

"Aristotle Stasinopoulos-Papadopoulos."

"Oh God, they'll never believe us."

"It's okay, he's only our granddad. He could be Japanese and we'd still get away with it. All we need now are new first names."

"This is madness - we're bound to trip ourselves up."

"You don't want to tell them we're Susie and Denise, do you?"

"No, but ..."

"I think it should be something a little foreign sounding. Who was the Greek lesbian who lived on an island?"

"Sappho."

"That's the one - she had a menage a trois with Dappho and Jappho."

"You're forgetting Beppho and Zeppho."

"No, they left and formed a novelty act with Biffo the Bear."

"Well, you can call yourself Sappho if you like, but I'm not being a thingyo."

"Neither am I: it'll be Saffy for Susie and Daffy for Denise - that's perfect."

"No it's not ..."

"This is no time to argue, Jeffrey, we're on a collision course."

We both looked up at the ferry looming over us.

"This is what comes of engaging in pointless conversation when we should be concentrating on the job in hand."

"It's a lot bigger close-up."

"Throw the rudder hard over."

"Which way?"

"Any blinking way."

Susie swung us hard over to the left. "I just hope we don't get swamped."

"We'll be okay, it's hardly moving."

"How about us - where are the brakes on this thing, Jeffrey?"

"Don't mess about - just bump into it, Susie."

"Can't you drop the sail thingy or whatever you do. I take pride in my parking I don't want to scratch the paintwork."

"I only hope you're as conscientious preserving your no-claims bonus when you get a car."

I found the right rope; the sail flapped down and we scraped gently along the side.

"Perfect, Jeffrey, we've done our bit, now it's up to them."

"Well, let's sort out our names before they get here. Saffy's okay, but there's no way I'm being Daffy."

"You're dressed like a Daffy and you'll have no trouble behaving like one. You can get into your high heels as soon as we're on board and do your Marilyn impersonation."

"My what?"

"You know - where you wiggle your bottom and go 'boop-boop-a-doo'."

"I've done no such thing."

"You will - it's only a matter of time."

"I'm not bleaching my hair; it makes it drop out."

"I'll buy you a wig."

"You're not wasting any more of my money."

"It'll be a good investment - you can use it to be Supergirl and the blonde one ..."

Susie was interrupted by a rope ladder cascading down the side of the ship.

"Oh, stop distracting me I need to work myself into the part of Daffy Thingamajig."

"I think you should practice saying your new name, Jeffrey."

" Daffy, Daffy, Daffy ..."

"Not that one - Stasinopoulos-Papadopoulos."

"Why can't he be our maternal grandfather? It'd be much easier all round."

"No, we'll be much more convincing as - Stasinopoulos-Papadopouloses."

"Here they come, Susie."

A man clambered over the top rail and started down the ladder.

"Quick, after me - Stasinopoulos-Papadopoulos."

"Stasinopoulos-Papadopoulos."

"Stasinopoulos-Papadopoulos."

"Stasinopoulos-Papadopoulos."

 

Chapter 46

"... P-O-U-L-O-S. Don't put any extra 'Ps' in there; Daffy's very sensitive about little mistakes. She's a stickler for accuracy."

"And tell him not to forget the hyphen, Saffy - we're double-barrelled."

"Stasinopoulos-Papadopoulos - is that how you spell it?"

The ferry captain leant forward in his chair and pushed the sheet of paper across his desk.

"That's right - granddad was a Greek refugee or something." Susie turned to me for support of her latest piece of whimsy. "He doesn't like to talk about it, does he, Daffy?"

"No, he's pretty vague about his past. He's a bit of a mystery man to us all round."

"There's no mystery about us, though" Susie hurriedly added. "We're one hundred percent English - apart from granddad's twenty-five percent."

"With a strong dash of Viking and some Celt thrown in," I elaborated.

"That's the MacClockerties on our mother's side. Hoots mon, Captain MacTavish, there's a coincidence," Susie grinned. "We have Scottish blood running through our veins, just like you."

"Don't worry, I'm not going to lock you up as illegal immigrants," he chuckled. "Now, would you like to call your parents and let them know you're all right?"

"We needn't worry them. We're staying with granddad while we recuperate from the mumps," Susie explained. "Dad thought the sea air would do us good."

"We don't want to get gramps in trouble with mum; she wasn't keen on the idea," I disclosed.

"What Daffy means is ..." Susie looked around and then lowered her voice. "Mum thinks granddad's become rather too dependent on the ouzo since grandma died."

"And she's right, Saffy. He promised he wouldn't touch the stuff while we were with him."

"Shush, Daffy, we've said too much."

"Shouldn't you let your dad know his father's had an accident?"

"Not if he wakes up with nothing worse than a hangover. Mum and dad are going through a sticky patch at the moment - a fall out over granddad could be the last straw. D-i-v-o-r-c-e is on the cards."

"Don't say that, Saffy," I whimpered. "I couldn't bear it if they broke up and we were to blame."

Susie put her arm around me and I summoned up a little tear as I rested on her shoulder.

"There, there, Daffy, you'll always have me. I won't let them split us up and have one each."

"Saffy, this is awful - we'll be orphans," I wailed and sunk my head in her breast.

"No you won't; your granddad will soon be up and around." The captain patted me on the hand. "He's being well looked after; I think I saw him open his eyes for a second."

"Oh, Saffy, what are we going to do?" I sobbed.

Captain MacTavish shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. "I didn't mean to upset her like this."

"It's not your fault; Daffy gets over-emotional at this time of the month." Susie stroked my hair. "I know - we'll have a nice stroll on deck in the fresh air; that'll calm you down,"

"An excellent idea," the Captain agreed with obvious relief. "Don't you worry about your granddad, they'll probably just keep him in hospital overnight. He'll be back with you as right as rain tomorrow. No one need ever know about his little lapse."

Susie pulled me to my feet. "Come on, Daffy, when we get to the front end, you can pretend you're on the Titanic - that'll cheer you up."

"Will you sing to me, Saffy?"

"Certainly, Daffy."

"My favourite song."

Susie crooned, as, arm in arm, we left the room.

"We're laughing now you're crying, Denise."

"Not here, Susie - come on, the stern's this way."

"Right, let's get lost in the crowd."

We hurried along until we came to the rear observation lounge.

"In there will do, Susie."

We crossed over to the far side and sank down into two spare seats.

"Old Captain MacTavish was putty in our hands, Jeffrey. Did you notice the subtle way I exploited his Scottish roots?"

"He certainly did."

"I know, but I don't want to take all the credit - that was fine acting on your part, Denise."

"What do you mean acting? I was genuinely upset at the thought of coming from a broken home."

"Were you really? You must be one of those method actors."

"You mean like Marilyn Monroe."

"That red lipstick's definitely gone to your head, Jeffrey, you're mixing her up with Marlon Brando."

"Hardly, Susie, I've never once heard her mumble; she had very good diction."

"You've seen a poster of her in leather gear, then - that's what's confusing you."

"You're the one who's muddled - she wasn't in the Avengers."

"I never said she was."

"I can't remember her ever being a biker-girl in a picture."

"Now I come to think of it, maybe she was wearing jeans and cowboy boots."

"Well, there you are - I rest my case."

"I suppose it could be John Wayne you're confusing her with - his name was Marion Morrison."

"Will you stop it," I snorted. "She was definitely a method actress. I've seen her in black and white stuff - at the kitchen sink, in a pinny, peeling potatoes and crying and everything."

"Well, that's not my kind of film. I prefer her singing and dancing in full colour."

"So do I. I didn't like to see tears spoiling her make-up - I was fascinated by that. I always wanted to know how it was done."

"Just another early manifestation of your feminine side."

"No, it was more male scientific curiosity - like that Howard Hughes wanting to solve the engineering problem of building the perfect bra. I have a lot in common with him."

"He tested it on himself, did he?"

"Probably, but I meant more the paper tissues thing - it's something I haven't liked to tell you about."

"You've no secrets from me - your mother mentioned it."

"Oh, she shouldn't have."

"I must admit I was a trifle nonplussed when she said she was worried about the amount of paper hankies you were getting through."

"Well, that's one thing you've cured me of."

"I'm pleased to hear it, Jeffrey."

"Yes, I was just too embarrassed to do it in front of you - it didn't seem manly. I haven't done it for a whole week now."

"Are you sure it isn't dangerous to deny yourself like that?"

"I'm quite relaxed about it."

"I wouldn't want you to put your health at risk."

"If I really feel it's necessary, I can always use my sleeve."

"I suppose that's better than letting the tension build up and having an erotic nightmare."

"What are you talking about, Susie?"

"You know - the sort of thing monks are plagued by."

"You're wandering again - what's that to do with germs?"

"What are you talking about, Jeffrey?"

"Doorknobs and light switches. What did you think?"

"Runny noses."

"Well, I'm glad we got that sorted out, now we can concentrate on borrowing a phone."

"Go on, get over there."

"Why do I have to be the one?"

"Because you're wearing the short skirt."

"I'm sure to get my bum pinched."

"Stop moaning, that'll be a small sacrifice to make. I'm taking all the risk; this could get me a criminal record."

"You said it was foolproof."

"It is. He's asking to be relieved of his phone, leaving it lying on the table like that. All you have to do is divert his attention and I'll snaffle it."

"I don't know; I'm having second thoughts. Once we start down the snaffling path, there's no telling where it could lead. I might become a cross-dressing kleptomaniac."

"We'll do exactly the same as on television; we'll return the booty after teaching our careless victim a valuable lesson."

"I've seen that programme; it's a set-up - they're all actors."

"No, they're not. They're magicians who take advantage of unsuspecting members of the public."

"I don't believe it - everything always works too perfectly."

"Well, if they have a slight technical hitch, they probably start all over again with someone else."

"That's all right for them, but it's no good to us. I hope you realise we can't say sorry, we're from the B.B.C."

"I meant the complicated scams, not a simple thing like this. Put your bottom into it, wholeheartedly, like the girl on the telly and we'll have no problems."

"I can see only one thing in favour of this idea."

"Which is?"

"You didn't get it off the internet."

"Not only that, Jeffrey, the girl on the telly wore bright red lipstick just like you. So you're perfectly equipped for your role in this."

"I don't understand, Susie - how's that going to help?"

"Well, it means you've got the complete package - the bum and the lips."

"You mean she put her head between her legs and looked him straight in the eye. I may not be able to manage that - was she a contortionist?"

"No! Bloody hell, Jeffrey, stop being deliberately obtuse. You're supposed to act the bimbo with him, not me."

"I only want to know exactly what I have to do," I pouted.

"It's easy - distraction's the name of the game. Bend over and show off your knickers, then wiggle your tush and back up into him, but be subtle about it - you don't want to make an exhibition of yourself."

"I'm pretending to tie my shoelace and that's all."

"You'll be wearing your high -heels." Susie took them out of her bag. "Here, put them on - I want you to get your bottom right up there in his face."

"That's no good; I won't have an excuse to stop and bend over."

"You pretend to trip and then check your heel. You can even ask him if they look all right from behind."

"I'm not doing a pratfall - it's undignified. Besides, people might think I don't know how to walk in high-heels - I'm not having that."

"Even your top models fall off the cat-walk - don't you watch YouTube?"

"No! I'll drop a hanky."

"You can't do that; it's so ... so ..."

"So what?"

"Cliched."

"I don't care - I can bring a freshness to it."

"He'll think you want to pick him up. Have you thought about that?"

"I'll have a sneezing fit and pretend I've got a cold. He'll keep his distance."

"That's no good to me. My freedom is riding on your bum - I want his eyes riveted on it."

I looked over at the man sitting alone just inside the door. "He's got his head buried in a magazine; you could easily walk past and whip it off the table - no trouble."

"He'll sense my presence. He's a thirty year old reading Nuts; he'll be super susceptible to teenage tottie - that's why he's the ideal mark."

"Don't talk like you know what you're doing."

"I'm using the correct technical terms," Susie huffed and bent down to untie my shoes. "He's the mark, I'm the dipper and you're the ..."

"Patsy."

"If you can entice him into giving you a little smack on the bum, all the better."

"I thought only the hand of Susie was allowed to set foot there."

"This is a special case: don't jump away, beg for more until I'm out of the door."

"Wait a minute, what he's doing now. He's shuffling about in his seat - and listen - he's groaning. That settles it, I'm not going anywhere near him."

Susie glanced across the room and gave her verdict. "He's harmless - just your average sex fiend reading Nuts. You'll be in no real danger."

"Let's find a nice middle-aged couple and ask to borrow their phone. We can say ours is on the blink and ..."

"I thought you wanted to cover your tracks."

"I do, but things seem to be going pretty smoothly."

"We must always expect the unexpected; you should have learned that by now. Besides, it's more fun this way. Come on, I know you want to."

I sighed and stepped out of my trainers into the red high-heels. "If I wasn't scared of mum ringing the police and reporting me as a missing person, I'd have nothing to do with this."

"It'll be a useful skill to acquire; it may come in very handy in the future."

"I sincerely hope not."

"Don't go getting cold cheeks on me. No squatting - keep your legs straight, bend over and touch your toes."

"Aw, Susie, he'll think I'm asking for six of the best."

"That's it - you've got the idea exactly. Now, trip on over there and lift that skirt up."

"Okay, but I'll disown you if you're caught with your pants down."

"No, you won't - off you go, merry legs."

She sent me on my way with a slap on the bottom. I had butterflies in my tummy as well as on my tights when I came up alongside him. I glanced back at Susie and she waved me on.

"Oops, sorry," I apologised as I tripped over his outstretched foot, which was a bonus as that sort of thing is really hard to fake.

"Careful," he grunted and didn't even bother to lower his magazine.

I bent over with legs straight and bottom stuck out and fiddled with my shoes.

"Come on," I muttered under my breath, "this is a real bum, pay it some attention."

Where was, Susie? I couldn't stay down here forever. I looked back between my legs. The dipper was on her way, but the mark had turned away from me and was half way out of his seat. I wasn't going through this again.

"Ooooooeeer," I cried.

I clenched my buttocks and toppled back into him. Over we both went.

"Sorry again, the ship must have hit a bump."

I sat on his stomach determined to keep him pinned down.

"Ow! Get off there, please."

"Just a minute - I feel proper poorly. I'm not a very good sailor. I shouldn't have had that big greasy sausage with fried onions and ice cream."

"Oohhhhh, don't mention food; I've eaten something that's disagreed with me. I feel like I'm going to die; I'll have to get something for it."

"Stay away from the Alka-seltzer, that only makes it worse," I advised as I bounced up off his belly.

"Oooooohhhhh, now you've done it. Watch out, I can't keep it down any longer."

I sprang to my feet and turned to face him. "Hey, you really do turn green when you're sea-sick," I marvelled.

He groaned, got himself up on all fours and vomited like a dog.

"Aaaaaaahhh, that's better," he sighed in relief and promptly fainted dead away.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Susie sweep past and give me the thumbs up.

"Look after him," she hissed, "I'll send over a steward."

He didn't have a collar to loosen so I just knelt down and cradled his head in my lap.

"Aaahh," he moaned and opened his eyes. "Where am I?"

"Don't move, help's on the way."

I stroked his brow for want of something better to do.

"That feels wonderful," he sighed. "Are you a nurse?"

"I'm in the Saint John's Ambulance; I deal with people fainting at football matches every week, so do as I say and lie still."

"Yes, nurse."

He smiled, shut his eyes and I kept on stroking.

"What's happened here - has someone lost his sea-legs?"

I looked up at the steward who had appeared over my left shoulder.

"You'd better take good care of him, I think your passenger has a complaint about the catering."

I laid down his head and got up.

"Oh, don't go, I was so comfortable."

"You can't stay down there, sir. Come on, I'll take you to the toilet before you have another little accident."

"I'm okay now; nurse has put me right."

"We'll go and get you cleaned up, then."

We both took an arm and hauled him to his feet.

"Oooohhh, the room's spinning. You'd better get me there double quick - I don't think I'm finished yet."

They wrapped their arms around one another's shoulders and hurried off across the room.

"Try and keep your head turned away from me sir," the steward pleaded. "I've a date later tonight."

I heard a plaintive 'Oh no' as I dashed out of the door onto the deck and caught up with Susie.

"What did I tell you?" She smirked. "I'm a smooth operator - he never noticed a thing."

"That was hardly surprising. Never mind congratulating yourself, have you phoned yet?"

"No, I was waiting for my partner in crime. What kept you?"

"I was an angel of mercy in there, Susie. Caring for someone has given me a warm glow of satisfaction. I had a vision of myself with a baby at my breast. What do you think of that?"

"I think you were blooming lucky; you nearly made a right dog's breakfast of the whole thing. Next time we'll do it properly."

"Not if I can help it, we won't. Now, stop messing about and start phoning before he notices it's missing."

"I've had a better idea, Jeffrey, we'll use an email. This isn't the time for long convoluted explanations we haven't thought of yet."

"I take your point, but how can we be sure they'll read it?"

"Easy, I'll send it to Mikey, he'll be surfing away in his bedroom. Here log on to your account."

"Why me?"

"You're the geek."

I took the phone and logged on to Yahoo. "What's his address?"

"I'll do it. I've thought of exactly what to say - not too little, not too much."

"Here then, just make sure mum gets to know I'm all right."

"Hey, who's this? - deniseblueeyes at ymail dot com. What have you been up to?"

"I was playing around, that's all," I blushed. "Anyway, it's come in useful."

"I thought you were happy being plain Miss Smith."

"Believe it or not, there was no shortage of Smiths."

"Okay, blue eyes, but Mikey's going to be excited when this lands in his inbox. He'll think he has a secret admirer."

"Just get on with it."

Susie tapped away while I anxiously kept a look-out to see if anyone was making a fuss over a missing phone.

"All done - I've told him to reply toot sweet."

"Does he know what that means?"

"I hope so - his education's costing enough."

"What if he decides to be awkward?"

"Denise Blueeyes should have him panting to please, but I promised him a tenner just in case. We'll go halvsies, okay?"

"Yes," I sighed.

"Cheer up, here's his reply."

"That was quick - what does it say?"

"Will do, but you're buggered anyway. P.S. love and kisses to Denise. Aw, that's nice."

"Absolutely peachy."

"Do you want to send a reply?"

"No, I don't - and you can stop grinning - that didn't sound too promising."

"Don't worry, this'll give them time to cool down and we can think up a good story for when we call later."

"Log out and let's get rid of the thing."

"I think it would be best if you returned it to him. That way there's no chance of any trouble."

"How am I going to explain having it?"

"Just say you took it for safe-keeping. He'll be too grateful to bother about anything else."

Susie steered me to the lounge and we peered in through the window. Our victim was back and scrambling around on the floor.

"He must be looking for it or he's feeling queasy again."

"Now's your chance, get in there before he reports it missing."

Susie pushed me through the door and I pulled her in after me.

"Hello, down there - are you all right now?"

"Ow!" He jumped up and banged his head on the table.

"Oh, be careful."

"The angel who saved my life."

"Hardly, but I have brought you this," I smiled and passed over his phone.

"Now, you really have saved my life; this little thing is irreplaceable. Here, you deserve a reward."

He fumbled in his pocket for his wallet.

"No, I couldn't take anything."

He passed over a twenty-pound note. "It's a contribution to the Saint John's Ambulance, then."

"I'm the local treasurer; I'd better look after it, Daffy can be a little careless with regard to financial matters."

Susie caught it as it dropped out of his hand.

"Are you okay? " I asked. "You're going a funny colour again."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'd like to thank you properly, but you'll have to excuse me, I can feel the third wave coming on."

He turned and rushed out to the toilet.

Susie slipped the money into her bag. "Funny old life, isn't it? All our good deeds go unrewarded, then we steal someone's phone and get this."

"Well, we're not making a habit of it, so don't start planning our first kidnapping."

"Maybe we can go in for victimless crpimes, Jeffrey - you have to admit my idea worked out perfectly."

"You said I made a dog's breakfast of it."

"You did, but I wasn't fazed and I even turned it to our advantage. I think you should leave the plotting to me in future. I can do no wrong at the moment; everything's going off like ..."

"Like grandfather clockwork."

"A more serious acknowledgement of my intellectual prowess would be appreciated, Jeffrey. You harbour a strong streak of male chauvinism."

"I do my best to suppress it, Susie, but your antics don't always make it easy."

"Gee, Jeffrey, that could be dad speaking. Maybe I'm attracted to you because I have got one of those Oedipus complexes after all."

"I was too polite to correct you when we first met, Susie, but it's an Electra complex."

"What is, Jeffrey - your fridge?"

"Oh, go google yourself."

"Don't pout, I'll give you another chance to shine. What's it called when a little brother wants to kill his big sister?"

"In your case - normal, Susie."

"Jeffrey."

"What, Susie?"

"You should always be too polite to correct me."

"I'll try and restrict myself to when you're putting us in danger."

"Make that mortal ..."

We were interrupted before we could agree on a suitable danger level.

"Ah, I've caught up with you at last."
We both turned and saw one of the ship's officers striding towards us. "The captain wants to see you straight away."

"Is it about granddad - has he taken a turn for the worse?" Susie asked.

"Just come along, you'll find out when you get there."

We followed - hanging back a little distance behind him.

"I've a bad feeling about this," I whispered. "There's something he's not telling us."

"Be prepared to unleash the waterworks, Denise - I think Granddad has popped his clogs."

"What are we going to do, Susie? They'll expect us to call home."

"We'll have to improvise. You have hysterics, I'll insist we get him to hospital for a second opinion before we do anything and we'll disappear when we get there as per plan."

"That sounds pretty flaky to me."

"Can you think of anything better?"

"No."

 

Chapter 47

"Oh, look at his face," Susie whispered as we entered the captain's cabin. "I was right - get ready to cry on my shoulder."

"You be grief stricken as well - and don't say any more than you have to."

The officer left and the captain beckoned us over.

"Sit down, girls, we need to have a serious talk." MacTavish hesitated and shuffled some papers on his desk. "This is difficult for me."

"Brace yourself, Daffy - I think there's been a death in the family."

"No, it's nothing like that - Mr Stasinopoulos-Papadopoulos is fine, but I'm afraid I've some rather awkward questions to put to you."

"How exactly is granddad?" Susie asked.

"He's babbling and drifting in and out of consciousness. I've someone keeping a constant eye on him - just in case. We're worried about the nasty lump on his head."

"It was the size of a duck egg - has it got any bigger?" Susie choked.

"A little bit, but we'll soon be docking and then he'll be well looked after. I just have to decide whether I should call the police and customs as well as the ambulance."

A shiver went down my spine and I gripped Susie's arm.

"I bet he's suffering from amnesia; you can't rely on anything he says. He's been having memory problems for a while; he sometimes forgets who we are."

"Who everybody is," Susie added. "Especially when he's suddenly woken up. He attacked grandma when she came back from the bathroom the other night - he thought she was a burglar."

"I thought you said your grandmother had died."

"That was our real grandma; he's remarried," I explained.

"With unseemly haste, mum said," Susie threw in. "It's another reason she didn't like us staying with him."

"And she's younger than mum, Saffy, I think that may have something to do with it."

"You should have told me this before. How can I get in touch with her?"

"You can't. She doesn't speak English - he imported her from Albania."

"Rumania, Saffy - she has every right to be here. He wouldn't do anything illegal."

"That's very interesting; it so happens you've brought me nicely back to the main point."

"Have I?"

"Yes, there's a problem with the cargo he was carrying."

"You mean us," I choked.

"We'll come to that, but first of all, what do you know about the crates of spirits we found on board?"

"Nothing at all," Susie gaped. "He wouldn't discuss his personal problems with us."

"This far exceeded a personal allowance. I'd describe it as medium scale smuggling."

"Never!" Susie rolled her eyes. "Granddad must have a worse drink problem than we thought, Daffy."

"I'm afraid I'll need a more convincing explanation than that."

"Well, we haven't got one. This is news to us. We spent all our time on deck enjoying the sea air, didn't we, Daffy?"

"That's right, Saffy. We had to do exactly as we were told. He's from a remote mountain village and still believes girls should be kept in their place. He wouldn't let us wander about or touch anything on board."

"It was male chauvinism at its worst," Susie moaned. "I really wanted to learn how to sail."

"He's a pigamist - that's what mum calls him."

Captain MacTavish raised an eyebrow and rocked back in his chair. "So your story is you came all the way from France on deck."

"We're on a day-trip out of the marina," Susie spluttered. "We haven't been anywhere near France."

"The spirits say you have."

"I told you, we know nothing about them. Stop harassing us, you're upsetting Daffy."

Susie gave me a nudge and on cue my eyes filled up. "I want to go home, Saffy."

"Now look what you've done. She's only fourteen, she's had mumps and her dog's just died."

"It'll be better for you if you tell the truth."

"We've never been outside the twelve mile limit," Susie insisted. "We don't even have passports."

"He didn't smuggle you two in from Albania as well, did he?"

"Don't be so bloody cheeky," Susie exploded. "We're as English as you are. We're two authentic lasses from Lancashire."

"And sandgrown into the bargain," I emphasised with a stamp of my foot.

"Where did those shoes come from? They're not the kind of thing a fourteen year old should be wearing."

"It's child abuse, questioning us like this," I sobbed. "Our dad will sue the pants off you."

"Yes and we'll win. Daffy has a photographic memory. She'll repeat everything you've just said in court - word for word - through her tears."

"We're minors - we've nothing more to say," I glared. "Granddad will be able to explain everything."

"It's him you should be questioning," Susie glowered.

"That's a good idea. We'll go down to the sickbay and see how he's coming along. I think it will be best to have all three of you in the same place."

"We're calling Childline the first opportunity we get," Susie shouted as the captain left and locked the door behind him.

"This must be illegal," I protested to the nurse. "You'll be in big trouble."

"Not for following the captain's orders, I won't. Settle down and sit by your granddad, girls," she ordered. "You won't have long to wait before we're in port and everything will be sorted out."

We hovered around 'granddad's' bed for a while before Susie moved us up to the far wall.

"I wish we had pushed that old sea-dog overboard, the trouble he's landed us in. I'm really sorry, Jeffrey."

"Something will turn up, Susie, it always does when I'm with you."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, your confidence in me is mutual. That captain's underestimated our ingenuity. Have you thought of a way out yet?"

"How do you feel about diving through a porthole?"

"I'd rather keep that in reserve as plan Z."

"Well, have you come up with anything?"

"Only that we made a mistake mentioning Albania; we were too clever for our own good."

"You're right - a Thai bride for 'gramps' wouldn't have set MacTavish thinking about people smuggling."

"I thought someone from Albania would be more believable; it is next to Greece, isn't it?"

"I can't fault your geography - only your judgement."

"That was uncalled for," Susie sniffed. "You were the one who remarried him."

"But not to an Albanian."

"I've already held my hand up for that, Jeffrey"

"I'm sorry, Susie - I think I may be getting claustrophobia down here in the bowels of the ship."

"You had agoraphobia this afternoon."

"There's no reason you can't have both; I must be super-sensitive to my surroundings."

"Would you like me to feng shui your bedroom for you?"

"No, I wouldn't. You can't beat having books everywhere."

"Are you two all right?" The nurse called out. "Things seem to be getting a little heated over there."

"Fine," Susie answered. "We're just having a post-mortem on the day's events."

"It's not that bad," she smiled. "He's showing definite signs of improvement. I'll check him out again for you."

The nurse was on her way when the door opened and our friend with the mobile phone was shown in by a steward.

"This gentleman is hoping you'll have something to calm down his stomach," he called to the nurse, before quickly backing out and relocking the door.

She went over and helped her patient into a chair. "I'll soon put you right. You're not the first one I've had in sea-sick. The crossing always makes a few people queasy."

"It's my own fault," he moaned. "I was okay until I overindulged."

He looked over at us, but before he could say anything, I hissed in Susie's ear. "Scream - this is our chance - scream!"

"Aaaahhh!" Susie screamed.

"Granddad's having trouble breathing - he's turning blue," I shouted. "Quick, nurse - do something."

She rushed to his bedside. "Don't panic, I'll take care of him."

"Give her room, Saffy."

I grabbed Susie's arm and pulled her along to where our friend was sitting.

"Do us a big favour," I whispered in his ear." Make a commotion and fall off your chair in a dramatic faint."

"What's ..."

"Just do it, please. We haven't time to explain. Get the nurse over here and then cling on to her as long as you can."

"Mine not to reason why," he grinned. "I treasure the memory of my head in your lap. For you, I'll go weak in the presence of beauty. How's this?" He kicked the chair away and flung himself to the floor. "Aaarrrghhh, I'm having another attack. Help!"

"God, what's happening now?"

The nurse dashed back and knelt over him. Our friend raised himself up and grasped her around the waist. "Hold on to me - everything's going black."

"We've seen this before, Daffy, he's having a deadly attack of wind - burp him, nurse."

"I don't want to look, Saffy, come away."

We backed up and Susie started banging on the door. "Open the door, the nurse needs help. Your passenger's having some kind of a violent fit."

We heard the key turn in the lock and pressed ourselves against the wall.

"Over here," the nurse shouted as the steward entered the room. "Help me with him, he's having a panic attack."

The steward dashed past us to the two struggling figures on the floor.

"Come on," Susie urged.

We were out and had locked the door behind us before they knew what was happening.

"All clear," I cried. "Full speed ahead."

We reached the companionway and made our way up onto the deck. It was crowded with people watching the approach into harbour.

"We'll be okay until it comes to getting off," Susie whispered.

"If only we could lose ourselves in that lot." I pointed to a big gang of schoolgirls milling around at the bow. "There must be two or three classes at least."

"Maybe we could persuade a couple of them to change clothes with us."

"I don't want to risk telling any more wild tales, Susie."

"Maybe we won't need to; there's a pile of unattended suitcases and bags - let's casually wander in that direction."

We walked around them and two identical cases caught my eye. "Look, they're bulging and they've name tags - Honoria Hunter-Glossop - Hermione Hunter- Glossop."

"They sound like the kind of girls who wouldn't go anywhere without a complete change of clothes."

"Kick them through that door, Susie and then we can have a rummage."

We back heeled the cases, checked no one was looking and disappeared after them.

"There's a complete uniform in here, Jeffrey - including a hat."

"Same here, Susie."

"They'll never notice the difference if we put our jackets in their place."

"I'll have to buy mum a new one - that's more expense," I sighed. "Couldn't you sacrifice your pants instead?"

"No, Jeffrey."

"It's not like I haven't done the same for you," I pleaded. "Go on, you won't miss them - they're horrible. And I like us both in skirts - it's more erotic."

"You're a minx, Denise. You can twist me around your little finger."

"Can I really, Susie?"

"Yes, Jeffrey - see I'm taking off my pants for you. Now hurry up and get changed before anyone comes along."

"I don't want to leave this skirt behind after all the trouble I've had moulding it to my bum."

"Okay, but I won't be able to squeeze anything else in my bag. We'll leave our tops on under the blouses."

"What about shoes? There are none here, Susie."

"Get your trainers back on, they'll have to do."

"I don't think this is the kind of school to let its girls walk around in trainers."

"If anybody asks, we'll say we're excused boots."

"That doesn't sound right for schoolgirls."

"It's what a girl at my old school said when she turned up wearing carpet slippers. Her dad was in the army."

"Did she have flat feet?"

"No, it was verrucas - one on each foot."

"I'd rather say we've hammer toes?"

"What are they, Jeffrey?"

"I don't know exactly, but they sound more upmarket than verrucas - and I wouldn't be surprised if they run in families."

"How about gout?"

"I don't think so - that may be too upper class for us. Perhaps it would be best to keep it simple and settle on plain old athlete's foot."

"Trust you to pick something involving lots of sweat."

Susie stashed our stuff in her bag and I refilled Honoria and Hermione's.

"At least we're robbing the rich, I don't suppose they'll have any trouble replacing their stuff."

"It's fair exchange, Jeffrey."

"It's stealing, Susie."

"We're desperate. They won't suffer - it'll be another case of mixed up luggage. It happens all the time."

"We'll make a donation to charity."

"A small one - it's the thought that counts. Here, these will cap things off very nicely. Look at the brim on them."

Susie plonked one of the hats on my head.

"I've nearly disappeared under it," I moaned. "I'll be safe going out in the midday sun in Kuala Lumpur in this."

"All the better to hide under. The uniforms make everyone look like peas in a pod. We'll just tag along at the back."

"I hope it's that easy."

"Say goodbye to Saffy and Daffy." Susie pulled her hat down and opened the door. "Chuck the bags out and let's get away from here and mingle."

"But keeping ourselves to ourselves," I warned. "Don't go trying to make us the most popular girls in school."

"We'll be shy, but civil."

"Here, Susie, link arms - there's no way I want to get separated from you and cast adrift amongst this lot."

"I'm really touched by your faith in me, Jeffrey."

"So am I, Susie."

We made our way over to the edge of a big group of girls watching our approach into harbour.

"Here we go, Jeffrey - don't forget to thank God in your prayers tonight - this is a dream come true for you."

"Just keep in mind I wanted to be shy and retiring."

"You're the one pouting away like Lolita."

"I am not."

"It certainly looks like it; that hat directs the attention to those luscious red lips."

I shoved it up onto the back of my head. "Is that any better?"

"Even worse - it looks rakish and now you're flashing your baby blue eyes as well."

"Oh shut up before you give me a complex."

"Don't think about it. Concentrate on how we're going to find out which school this is and what we were doing on the Isle of Man."

"We'd better think of an explanation of who we are first, Susie."

"We'll have to do it off the top of our heads - we're going to have company."

A small blonde girl was making her way towards us. She beamed at us and introduced herself.

"I'm Holly. I don't know you - are you in the fourth form?"

"Yes, we're the Thompson twins." Susie held out her hand. "I'm Maisie and this is Daisy. We missed the beginning of term because we had mumps."

Susie turned to me and winked. "Say hello, Daisy."

"Hi, Holly, we've been keeping to ourselves over the weekend. This is the first time we've been away from home. We feel a little lost."

"You'll be okay when you get into the swing of things. The Hell Hole isn't a bad old school."

"It doesn't sound too welcoming," I winced.

"That's just our name for it. You'll enjoy being a Helot. Our netball team's the Hell's Belles - unofficially. I hope you weren't cheering the opposition on by mistake."

"We're not very sporty," Susie smiled. "Is there any chance we could do cookery instead of games?"

"You've come to the right place - the food's better than at home. We've even got a real French chef. He wears an enormous hat just like in the cartoons."

"That's wonderful," Susie enthused. "The cook at our last school was Mrs Dyer. At the end of term the head would bring her out and say - 'We have Mrs Dyer here to thank for all our splendid meals'."

Holly's eyes widened and she stifled a laugh. "You'd better not let Miss Dodd hear you say that or you'll be scrubbing the school steps."

"How would Mrs Turtle taught us go down?" I grinned.

"I like that," Holly laughed. "Do you know any more?"

"Lots," I smiled. "But will you tell us some more about the school first - do the teachers keep a close eye on you all?"

"You bet." Three sharp blasts on a whistle interrupted her. "Come on, it's time for us to be counted. I hate this; it's so demeaning."

"They don't call out your names, do they? Susie asked."

"No, but old Dimples Donahue always comes up short and we have to go through the whole palaver again and again until she gets it right."

"I'll bet you she's spot on this time, eh, Maisie," Susie grinned.

"I thought you were Maisie," Holly looked quizzically at Susie.

"I was then, but I'm feeling more Daisyish now. We share everything - even our names. We're like one person in two bodies. We can read each other's minds, can't we, Maisie?"

"Half past seven," I replied as I bent down and picked up Susie's bag.

"Ooh, I like those knickers, but you'd better not let Miss Dodd see them. The last girl she caught like that spent the rest of the term confined to baggy blue serge - they were like burst balloons."

"We lost some of our stuff in transit, I'm having to wear best."

"How do you get away with that lipstick?"

"It's not lipstick - it's a side effect of the mumps. I'm almost back to normal now. For a time, I looked like Rudolph the red nose reindeer."

"Why hasn't Maisie or is it Daisy got them as well?"

"We're not identical twins," Susie replied.

"Aren't you?" Holly squinted at us in turn. "Then how do you manage the mind reading?"

"Well, we are up to a point, but we're not clones. Explain it, Daisy."

"It's like when you get a double yolk in an egg, but only one white," I bluffed. "We've got the white bit in common."

The three whistle blasts were repeated.

"They sound even more impatient this time, Daisy."

"She'd rather blow that whistle than talk," Holly snorted. "See you later, I'd better get back with my class."

"Form up in twos, girls."

They were a well-drilled lot and soon there was a neat double line.

"Come on, Daisy, pull your hat down and let's bring up the rear."

We joined on just as a teacher arrived at the back of the line.

"Don't shuffle, you girls."

"Sorry, Miss," we chorused.

"Miss Dodd, if you please - and what are those things on your feet?"

"We're ex ..."

"... tremely sorry, our shoes have disappeared," I apologised from under my hat. I didn't think Susie's 'excused boots' alibi would go down well with Miss Dodd.

"Have you girls been playing silly pranks on each other?"

"Oh no, Miss, we're the best of chums."

I could feel her eyes inspecting us before she addressed Susie. "Where's your bag, girl?"

"It vanished with our shoes. I put it down for a moment and it was gone."

"That's right, we're victims of circumstances beyond our control," I offered.

"There are no excuses for Heloisians to be out of uniform. It's your responsibility to be properly dressed at all times. Let this be a lesson to you - you know the school motto."

"Aut disce aut discede," Susie read out from the badge on Miss Dodd's blazer.

"Which means?"

"Keep out of discos," Susie hazarded.

Miss Dodd snorted and turned to me. "What have you to say, girl?"

"Either learn or leave," I spluttered.

"Precisely: I've no more time to waste now - both of you report to my study before prep tomorrow."

"Yes, Miss Dodd."

I gave a little curtsey and she moved off up the line. "Quiet in the ranks! Over to you Miss Donahue - begin the count."

"Chums and curtseying, Jeffrey," Susie whispered. "What were you thinking of?"

"That's the way they talk at these places."

"How would you know?"

"I may have glanced through some old school stories at gran's."

"Fifty years ago they might have talked like that."

"They'll be strong on tradition at a school like this. If you're stuck for something to say, just come out with 'jolly hockey sticks' or 'droopy drawers'."

"You seem to know more about girls' boarding schools than I do."

"One thing I don't know is what this place is called - any ideas?"

"It'll have been named after some famous Helen or other."

"Which one?"

"I don't know - I'm not well up on famous Helens."

"I suppose it could be The Helen of Troy School for Girls."

"In your dreams, Jeffrey."

"In my nightmares seems more likely."

"Fifty-eight, sixty - all present and correct, Miss Dodd."

"Right first time," someone shouted. "Hip-hip-hooray."

"I hope she isn't the maths' teacher."

"She'll be computer science, Susie; they start counting from nought."

Miss Dodd put a whistle to her lips and gave three short blasts. "Eyes forward, shoulders back and quick march."

We joined the other girls in swinging our arms and we were on our way down the gangway.

"You haven't any unfulfilled fantasies about boarding school life, have you, Susie?" I muttered.

"Not really, I think I'm too much of an individualist - and I love my family."

"So now you've the opportunity, you won't be getting any mad ideas about spending the night in the girls' dormitory."

"Only as a last resort, I'm sure we'll think of some way out of this - if you really want to."

"Of course, I do. I may have had a daydream or two along those lines, but I never wanted to leave mum, so they fell a bit flat."

"That's us, Daisy, a pair of quiet stay-at-home girls."

"If only, Maisie. Have you thought of anything yet?"

"At the moment, all I can come up with is to remind you of our motto."

"What's that, Susie?"

"Nil Desperate Dandum, Jeffrey."