Homecoming Princess (Revised) - Princess Found - Part 12

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Homecoming Princess (Revised)
Princess Found

 
Part 12
By Arecee

Edited and proofed by Sephrena Lynn Miller
  

I turned to face her and sat up, still sniffling. “Lisa, you want to know why I dressed as I did? I had an abusive father when I was little. Much of what he did to me scarred me mentally. I dressed like a boy because he wanted me to be more like his son. Even after he left my Mom and me, I still couldn’t break out of that mindset. I continued to dress like that so people could like leave me alone. I joked around a lot, you know? I tried to give a reason for my even being here in school. I studied and poured myself into books so I could ignore other people. I got good grades for being so attentive to the textbooks. I ignored everyone else!”

“And you know what? I hated it!”


 
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I watched dreamily as Jason walked back to his car. Every few moments he turned around to glance back at me, flashing his smile.

Omigosh! Butterflies tingled warmly in my lower stomach. I felt like I was riding on a high! Little dots of light swam throughout my vision as I was trying to comprehend why I felt this way. This was intense! I mean I literally was feeling different - like I needed him! Is this what love truly feels like? In my mind, I was comparing my making out with Rex in the theater to my few times with Jason, including at the Homecoming. Those two experiences were very different altogether in how they made me feel.

In the theater, I wasn’t quite sure of myself as to really being a girl or not, and the naughtiness of the entire thing just to see how a boy made me feel without being caught sort of intensified how that evening made me feel. And, well, I sort of purposefully did it to freak Mindy out as well. After all, she deserved to be made to feel that way after how much she pressured me that day and put me into that situation in the first place! But I found that I immensely enjoyed that moment with Rex in the theater!

*sigh* I’m sorry. Mindy’s my best friend and I shouldn’t think this way about her. I love her to pieces, even though, between the both of us, she is more of a prankster than I am. She loves to dare things and skirt trouble. And me, well, I stick with my friend.

Rex was good, but Jason… he was definitely a lot better! I’m going to have to talk about this with some of my friends and find out just what this is I’m feeling about Jason. It’s driving me crazy in a way!

It was then, that I noticed Jason was waving to me as he drove off.

Where did the time fly to?

Still feeling light-headed and thinking about Jason, I put my key into the doorknob of our front door and then opened it. After shutting the door, and without taking my sweater off, or handbag, I made my way over to the sofa and just sank into its blissful comfortableness and let my mind drift.
 

*          *          *

 
Sometime throughout my dreaming, I had heard the front door open, and oblivious to the noise, my mind drifted back to Jason holding me in his arms, sweetly surrendering myself to him again.

“Lynn?”

I blinked my eyes open, startled, and saw my mother sitting on the sofa beside me. She had already taken her jacket off and set her purse and handbag down.

“Are you feeling alright sweety?”

Ummmm. I don’t know? Really, I feel weird. But I can’t talk to Mom about this yet either. It would only cause her more grief. And I think I caused enough of that for her for a long time to come.

“I’m sorry Mother. I just have been a bit moody all day and been doing a lot of thinking about everything. That… and well… I’m tired.”

My Mom’s expression changed to a more quizzical look.

“Thinking of not being a girl anymore?”

Oh Please!

“Mother! You are stuck forever with me as your daughter.” I looked at her seriously. I was slightly offended she would even say such a thing after all that we had been through.

My mother rolled her eyes. “Darn, there goes my chance of getting my son back. Come to think of it, I seem to have forgotten what he looks like…”

I knew right away she had been teasing me! I play hit her arm and just rolled into leaning against her and then falling into her lap. I had my head in her lap and my Mother had one arm cradling my head and the other, she was pulling my hair from my face.

I looked up into her eyes after she had pulled my hair away.

I giggled.

“You are my precious baby, Lynn. Don’t you ever forget that,” she emphasized as she squeezed my hand.

“I know Mommy. I never thought my life would change like this.”

She grinned. “Life is all about change. Things we like one day, we find other things we like more the next. Growing up, learning, and exploring things. But you sweetheart, you are going through something I can’t even imagine. I’m dealing with this the best that I can. And sometimes, it’s a little rough. One day you were my son, to me, and the next, the most beautiful daughter a mother could ever want. You have no idea what has been going through my mind ever since I saw you laying here on this couch that night.”

I was curious and wanted to know. “Please Mom. Tell me?”

I snuggled to rest my head into a better position in her lap, staring up at her, waiting.

“Well, when I first saw you, I thought you were the most wonderful girlfriend you could have ever found for yourself as a boy. Sweet, classy, very proper. It’s such a shame I can’t ever seem to get the two of you to meet.”

We both snickered at the same time, giggling at that image.

“But seriously,” she continued, “I have done some thinking, and after having listened to you, and others, I found that perhaps I had failed you as a Mother.”

What?

“How did you fail me Mom?”

“I spent so much time at work trying to support us both, that I had totally overlooked your needs and wants. I feel really awful inside.”

My Mother's eyes moistened.

“I missed my daughter growing up right in front of my eyes!”

Oh…

My Mother hugged me and I just had to hug her back.

“Mommy, you are not at fault! I had to hide because I didn’t know better! I didn’t know that what I was inside was a girl. I didn’t even know what to call it. I just knew I was different and that something was wrong with me. I wasn’t really open to talking with others about it until you caught me.”

My Mother pulled away and looked me right in the eyes.

“You know you could have talked to me about it, and we could have worked it out. You didn’t need to hide it from me.”

I had to think carefully here. This was a touchy subject!

“Mom. I wasn’t able to talk to you about it back then. You know how Dad… well the man that was supposed to be my father, was towards me. I never liked how he tried to force me to do everything he wanted and wouldn’t let me do things that I liked. I tried hard to please him, and you. But I felt trapped, caged, and withdrawn because he always made me feel like such a failure. And you… were too busy arguing with him. He made our life so difficult…”

I paused.

“Mother, I was too busy worried about why I felt different and was trying to find ways to cope. You had enough problems of your own with just… him! I didn’t want to bother you with my problems either, even after he left.”

My mother pulled me in close to her in a loving hug.

“That was my fault baby. Mine. I should have paid more attention to you. I was working as hard as I had to save for your college fund and provide us with what we have.”

She sniffled and then bravely said, “We can both agree he wasn’t much of a father. But despite all of his shortcomings and how he was, he did give me the best gift in my entire life — You!”

I hugged her again.

“I’m so glad that he blessed me with you. And I’m glad, in this most weird and wonderful way, to actually be given a second chance to raise you. And I’m not going to miss out on it this time! I want you to understand I’m here to guide you through life and help you to make the right decisions. I want us to be open with each other and for you to feel free to discuss things with me.”

I grinned as I stared up into her face, “I think you are doing a great job so far Mother.”

“I hope so!” she tickled me. “I’d hate to think I’m raising my daughter the wrong way.”

I had to wait for my giggling to stop. I know I had been getting much closer to her in our Mother-Daughter relationship during the past week, but I think, just now, this broke through the ice! We have never spent a moment together like this before! She certainly is more open with me now as her daughter than when I had been her son. Whatever the reason, I like her more this way now than before I openly admitted I was a girl to her. I respect her even more now.

I lay there savoring the moment. I felt like we were now the best of friends, just like I am with Mindy. Talk about heavy! This just felt so good to be this way and open with her. I still have to wait and do some talking around with my other friends before I land the bombshell on her about boys in general, my liking and want to explore them, Aaaaaaannnnd Jason, to be specific!

And now was not that time.

Why was life so complicated?
 

*          *          *

 
Sometime, while I had lain there, my Mother had turned the television on with the volume on low. I must have dozed off again!

“How long was I asleep Mom?” I stretched my arms as I looked up at her.

“Only an hour and a half. You looked so comfortable laying there, I let you sleep where you were. As the mother of a teenage daughter, I know I won’t get many moments like that. So I have to enjoy them as they come.”

I smiled at her as I leaned over and sat back up, freeing her lap from the weight of my body.

My Mom suggested, “If you feel up to it, why don’t you change out of your school clothes and help me make us dinner: angel hair noodles in alfredo sauce and a small salad sound good?”

“Mmmm! Yepperoies!”

I stretched again and stood up. My Mother gave me a peck on my cheek as she went on into her room to change clothes. Yeah, I need to change mine too!
 

*          *          *

 
I went to my room, and changed out of my blouse and skirt, and put on my short cut off jeans and a blue t-shirt. Hmmph! Even now, there was still no trace of my looking like a boy

Curious, I pulled my hair back and held it back and down.

Even with the sort of thin-hair/bald look, my face and head was most definitely like a girl’s. It just amazes me how I had managed to get through life with a minimal of teasing and yet having people not mention to me that I looked like a girl until I actually put girl clothes on. I mean, come on! I can see that I looked like a girl, even back as far as maybe two to four years, I think? My head is small. My body is very delicate — too thin and delicate for being a boy compared to all the other boys I see in school!

Was my grunge look the only thing that kept anyone from saying anything?

And Mindy. She knew before I did that I was a girl too. I have to imagine in some mysterious way that she was fated to uncover who I really was. And even though I am not fully a girl, well, down there, people for the most part accept me as one at face value.

My life was really strange.

I shook my hair and combed it down some as I stared at my image in my dresser mirror.

Being a boy really sucked! The way that I felt now and was allowed to be is what I had been wanting to do all of my life. Repressing it… hurt. I’d rather be the one in a boy’s arms, being held, and cared for any day of the week! Being a girl is just sooo right!

If I was a boy, in a boy’s arm’s….

EEeewww!

I shook my head and set my comb down.

I’m just not going to go there with that thought!

I’m just glad that I’m a girl!
 

*          *          *

 
I entered the kitchen to see Mom boiling the water for the noodles and had the vegetables sitting out on the table along with the cutting board, knife, and a small… present?

“What can I do to help?”

“Oooh,” she started, “I think you can start by opening that little gift I laid out on the table for you.”

Excitedly, I sat down in my chair and picked up the little white box with a rose red ribbon and bow tying it closed. I gently shook it. Well, it is heavier than jewelry! Hmmmm.

In the past, I would normally have ripped the outer wrapping off and tore open the box. But this time was different. The way I felt inside was to preserve the ribbon and bow. I couldn’t explain why I felt that way, just that I did.

I felt my Mother lean next to me as I gently pulled the bow off and then tenderly undid the tape holding the ribbon pieces together securing the box.

Then I clasped my hands together and stared at the box.

What the heck was this? And more importantly, what did I do to deserve whatever it was?

“Go ahead honey. Open it.” Mom urged me.

Slowly I lifted the lid off of the box.

Inside, nestled on top of the polyester type filled batting lining the bottom of the box was a bright pink cell phone.

A cell phone!

I immediately turned and hugged my Mother again! It was becoming quite a habit.

“I promised this to you days ago sweety. It’s more than time you should have had it.”

I opened it up and pulled out the little manual to look it over. It was an AT&Tâ„¢ model! My very own cell phone!

“I want you to be able to call me at any time where ever you may be. It’s for your safety - now, as a girl, more than ever. I’ll come get you no matter what. Okay?”

“Thank you Mom. I…I r-really… don’t think I deserve it.”

She gently patted my shoulder. “I want my daughter to know that I trust her and will be there for her. Remember what I said about the calls. Keep them down to emergencies for now, and later, I will increase the minutes. There is included with this plan 20 free text sends per month. So keep that to a minimum too as there is a charge for each text send beyond that.”

Wow! I was like, stunned! It’s almost a status symbol or something like that to have one. But I knew the catch here. Mom wanted to try and trust me now, for the first time as her daughter. I know the answer to that — yes! I will keep her trust.

I heard it and stood up quickly to turn the stove burner temperature down. The water was over boiling! I then poured the box of angel hair noodles in and stirred them a little.

“I take it you have things well in hand?”

I grinned. “Yes Mom. I’ll finish this. I’ll look at the cell phone after we eat.”

She sat down and replied, “Great. I’ll do the salad this time.”
 

*          *          *

 
We sat down and enjoyed our meal, with casual talking. I loved the Balsamic Vinaigrette dressing on my salad. My Mother had just picked it up this past weekend shopping and this was my first time tasting it with just a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese. Yummy!

My mother explained to me as we ate, that soon, we would see a doctor to physically examine me, in conjunction with my psychological therapy evaluation, to see what the recommended course of action we should take with me. I didn’t know I had to do all this sort of stuff to be a girl. I just knew I was one, that’s all.

As we were cleaning up and rinsing off the dishes, my Mother mentioned, “I want you to take the copy of your therapy sessions billing statement to Miss Benson tomorrow and tell her to arrange to make payments for them. If there is a problem, give her my cell phone number or work number to call me.”

I didn’t see any problem with that. Knowing Miss Benson now, I think she would she would bend over backwards for me, even though I felt really guilty about that. But I couldn’t convince Mom about it. *sigh*
 

*          *          *

 
I picked up the phone handset and, once I was inside my room, I called Mindy.

“Hello?” Oops! That was Mr. Swanson!

“May I speak with Mindy please Mr. Swanson? It’s me, Lynn.”

“Certainly. Hang on just a second.”

After a few moments, Mindy spoke into the phone, “Hey girl!”

“Ummm, does your father know… about me yet?”

“Nope! But we are planning to discuss it soon. My mother said she will talk with your mother and have the both of you over when she does talk to him. I don’t think he will have a problem with it, and neither does my mom. But, she felt that with you and your mom right here, he would probably be more sympathetic to your situation.”

“I guess that sounds okay. I just don’t want any more problems. I have enough of them to deal with now.”

Mindy paused. “Like which ones?”

“Like my therapy sessions with Dr. Kingston and the fact I also have to go get a physical exam soon. Something about checking my blood and hormone levels and such.”

“Oh wow! You mean they are going to start letting you grow into a girl now?”

“I don’t know, that’s what we will find out. I didn’t know that I had to go see a doctor to do that.”

“Well Duh!” Mindy chastised. “Your body is so girlish anyways you probably don’t need the hormones.”

“Well, my Mother seems to think differently and says my body could start into a male puberty and damage my looks. If I want to stay a girl, I need to be examined and see what I need to do and how much of what to prevent going into a boy’s puberty.”

“What if the doctor says you really are a girl and can have babies?”

MINDY! Sometimes you are so impossible! That can’t happen. I’m a boy physically! And boys can’t have babies.”

“Maybe,” she giggled.

That girl! Sometimes… I just sighed.

“The other reason I called too was to tell you I now have my own cell phone.”

Mindy squealed. “Wow girl! Hey! When you and your mom come over, bring it over too. Maybe I can convince my mom to get me one?”

“Okay. Just I can’t make calls to friends right now on mine for the moment unless it’s an emergency. But, I read here on the plan sheet that you can call my number as long as you are on the same phone and plan for free. Technically, if you had the same AT&T â„¢ phone and plan I could call you. But not until my mom says it’s okay. She will upgrade the plan for more minutes later so that I can call others that are not on the plan. But for now, I want to earn her trust.”

“That’s cool! What is your number?”

I read off my mom’s handwriting on the manual. “555-7707.”

“Got it. Also, after the both of you talk to my father, and if it’s okay, I wanted to set up a sleepover one weekend with you and few other girls, before Halloween, here at our house.”

Cool! I have never been invited to stay overnight at a friend’s house ever! Mindy is the greatest! I wonder which of her friends I’ll get to meet?

“Ooops! Oh hey Lynn, my mother is asking me if she can talk to your mother now.”

“Sure Min. Hold on.”

“Mom?” I yelled down the hallway.

“Yes sweety?”

“Mrs. Swanson wants to talk with you on the phone.”

“Okay Lynn, give me a minute.”

I walked out to the living room and waited until she had finished removing the home layouts and design sheets for the homes that she sold and bought for her work from off of her lap and onto the coffee table. I handed her the phone.

They conversed for a little while with my Mom a seemingly concerned at first and listening. She seemed to relax a bit later and finished up with, “…That’ll be fine. See you then!”

She handed the phone back to me.

“Min?”

“I’m here.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in school tomorrow.”

“Good night girl friend.”

“Night Mindy.”
 

*          *          *

 
Mom sent me off the next morning with the copy of my therapist’s bill. Mindy and I boarded the bus as normal. However, today I wore hip hugging jeans with a cute little flower design on the upper side of my right thigh, a white camisole, and my red sweater. I could still feel the boys eying me as I walked down the aisle to my seat. In a way, I really liked the attention that they were giving me. I felt pleased that they liked how I looked enough to keep staring at me with want in their eyes. It’s hard getting used to that from being a non-noticed entity from before - unnerving too! It was like a power and it kinda made me feel good about myself. But it also kept hammering home my wanting to try and have boys for friends now, even though I knew that I would be playing with fire.

I smiled as I sat down and scooted in so Mindy could sit beside me.
 

*          *          *

 
We made it to school and Mindy followed me to the office.

“Hi Lynn! Hi Mindy!”

Mrs. Kramer never failed to greet me with a smile.

“Hi Mrs. Kramer. I’m here to see Miss Benson please.”

“Okay, just a moment.”

She went back to Miss Benson’s door and stuck her head in. After a nod, she motioned for us to come back there. Mindy and I walked through the swinging counter door and into Miss Benson’s office. Mindy took the far chair and I sat in the nearer one. Miss Benson seemed rather cheerful today.

“Lynn, Mindy. What can I do for you today?”

I handed Miss Benson the receipt. “Miss Benson, my Mother asked me to hand this to you and to see if what “you and her” discussed would be arranged. She wrote her phone numbers on there as well in case there was a problem.”

Miss Benson hummed to herself as she quickly looked over the bill. She then set it back down and smiled.

“Of course Lynn, consider it done. Oh, while you are here, I’ll give you these forms for your mother to look over. They are for your physician to sign to state your change in gender status. You have until November to get these back to me signed by your doctor and mother. If they are not back by then, the school board is going to inquire about my blocking the return of your records to Central Records Administration without sufficient cause. “

“Right now, all of your paper records, from elementary school to now, are here in my safe, under administrative review for special cause. But that is only temporary. I need those forms back to make “adjustments without question.” Because you are under the age of 18, this can be done here and I have someone on the school board who can reduce the chances of this getting beyond just us, but he needs those forms in order to make it happen. One of them needs to be signed by a judge in the County Juvenile Court. I have attached a note recommending Judge Jennifer Stanton.”

“Our school computer already has all your schedule and private information changed to female and all of your teachers have had their roll forms and schedules updated with the “corrected” information.”

“Those forms are very important Miss Collins. Have your mother see to it please.”

“Yes Ma’m.”

I took the manila folder and put it into my school notebook binder. Mindy and I started talking as we walked down the hallway to our lockers.
 

*          *          *

 
I was in the cafeteria at lunchtime and was quietly hoping that Jason would want to have lunch with me. He didn’t come over though. I, of course, was watching him the entire time, between bites, over there with his other friends - apparently busy. Mindy didn’t fail to notice my staring at Jason.

“Lynn,” Mindy whispered into my ear, “If you stare any harder you will bore a hole right through his head.”

Fudge! Now she knows!

“I wouldn’t know that Min. He’s well off to do,” I softly replied.

“Girl, you know you have a crush on him.”

I swiftly turned to face her and stared daggers into her eyes!

“Lynn,” Mindy pleaded, see how I was reacting, “There is no need to be so defensive. All of us go through that.”

Lisa, hearing us talk, scooted closer to me on my other side and in a low voice added, “It’s okay Lynn, when it comes to boys, you have to take them as they are. You can’t change them to fit you. You just have to be lucky to find the one that suits who you are the best. All of them have their faults.”

I slowly turned to see who the heck this otherworldy person of wisdom was and where she had just come from!

Her smile was infectious.

“How do you know so much about them?” I asked in awe.

“I have been through five boyfriends and have gone from the nice ones to the complete jerks. I have been dumped, dined, and had them beg me to be with them. All of them have their faults and so far, I haven’t found one nice enough yet to suit me. Boys prefer their toys nowadays to a girl.”

“Toys?” I asked, oblivious to reference.

“Cars, game machines, things to distract themselves with,” Mindy explained.

“Oh!” I blushed, realizing I had shown myself to be completely dumb in that remark.

Karen leaned over, “That’s why we girls stick together and have fun while we cruise days away waiting to spot our catch!”

“You really are kind of new to dating boys?” Lisa blurted.

Omigosh! No! I have to divert attention away before they find out!

“Yeah she is, “Mindy interrupted. “She has been a bookworm and really geeky forever. I should know. I have known her for practically my entire life. She is just now awakening to womanhood.”

“I guess that sort of makes sense. After all, you did used to really try hard to look like a boy. I thought maybe, you sort of, well, liked girls?”

You know, girl conversations can be just a little TMI at times? Why me?

My face turned a bright beet red as I covered it and started to lay my head down on my arms in total embarrassment.

“Lynn, I’m sorry!” Lisa begged.

Lisa and Mindy pried my arms away and got me to lean back to sit up again. My eyes were watery and I kept them closed.

“Lynn? Lynn?” Mindy pulled me to her and I let her hold me.

“Lisa! You need to be more careful about that! Lynn is not and has not been into girls. She has never even thought about being with anyone outside of wanting a friend. I have been about her only friend up until now. You just like totally embarrassed her in front of all of us! She is a very shy person.” Mindy admonished.

“Lynn, please accept my apology? Please? I’m really sorry.”

I turned to face her and sat up, still sniffling. “Lisa, you want to know why I dressed as I did? I had an abusive father when I was little. Much of what he did to me scarred me mentally. I dressed like a boy because he wanted me to be more like his son. Even after he left my Mom and me, I still couldn’t break out of that mindset. I continued to dress like that so people could like leave me alone. I joked around a lot, you know? I tried to give a reason for my even being here in school. I studied and poured myself into books so I could ignore other people. I got good grades for being so attentive to the textbooks. I ignored everyone else!”

“And you know what? I hated it!”

“I hated every minute of being alone, despite being around,” I motioned with my arms, “everyone here.”

“The only reason I made it through all of that was because of Mindy.”

All of them went quiet with wide eyes. Mindy eyed me with an expression of shock on her face. A few moments later, I just realized what I had said. Omigod! I jerked up from my seat on the bench, banging my lunch tray, and covered my mouth as I ran from the cafeteria. I couldn’t see the looks of others as they wondered why I ran.
 

*          *          *

 
I ran down the west hallway towards my home economics room and into the girl’s restrooms there. I went to the far stall, and upon finding it open and empty, I dashed in and slammed the door shut, locking it. I sat down on the toilet seat and broke down crying.

I had just told them all about me. Now they would know I’m a boy! Some people say that actions and words that scar people mentally, do so for a lifetime. Yeah. I’m proof of that. I wonder just how much of my wanting to be a girl was the result of my father trying to force me to be the boy he wanted me to be, or was it always there in the background? I don’t know. Right now, I don’t even care. My life is ruined!

I heard the gentle rapping on the door.

“Lynn. It’s me Mindy. Open up.”

I tried to ignore her, hoping she would go away. There was more rapping on the door and her pouting. Geez, can’t I be alone anywhere?

“Lynn if you don’t let me in, I’ll crawl under…”

I unlocked the door. Mindy slowly opened the door and saw what a mess I was. She picked me up off of the seat and pulled me to her. Her hugs always made me feel safe. I just tried to let go and let my mind calm down while she held me.

“Lynn, I am so sorry too! I never knew! You didn’t have to tell them that either. Something must really be bothering you!”

I sniffled, “Yeah, a lot of things are. I just ruined my life now by telling them what I am.”

“You silly girl, no you did not! They think you were a tomboy — a girl who acts and wanted to be more like a boy. They think you were always a girl. Heck, to me, you have always been one.”

I guess so. I mean I really haven’t been feeling well lately. I’m frustrated trying to keep my word to Mom, my inner self wanting to be with boys, and my being scared of letting go entirely, to be myself. Because if I do, I will reveal to them I’m not entirely a girl. It’s a lot for a kid like me to handle and I have only, really, Mindy to turn to.

She squeezed me again in her hug.

“Everything is okay. Can you make it through the rest of the day? How about you come over to my house after school with me on the bus? Then you and me will have a private chat in my room. I want to hear about your problems.”

“I can’t.” I weakly replied.

“Lynn, we are best friends. No secrets! Remember?”

I sniffled and wiped my eyes. “It’s not that. I have to go see my therapist after school.”

“OH!” she exclaimed, finally understanding.

I went over to the sink and saw myself in the mirror. The little bit of makeup I had on was gone and my eyes were red. I really looked awful. Yep! No cheeriness anywhere!

I grabbed a paper towel and wetted it from the faucet and gently dabbed it around my face.

“Part of the reason I’m like this is because the Doctor wants to know everything about me.”

I saw Mindy looking at me in the mirror.

“I don’t want to tell him everything! I don’t want some complete stranger knowing my entire life! I didn’t like it that much until just recently… and I certainly don’t want to think about it again and relive it while trying to explain it to him. I hated it! Not the parts with you in it Min, but all the rest! If I don’t cooperate, not only will my Mother be mad, but the Doctor might deny my becoming a…”

At that moment, another girl that neither of us knew stepped in and went into the stall nearest to the doorway. We took that cue to stop our conversation. I set my purse down onto the sink edge and pulled out my makeup. Mindy decided to help me with it. I could see in the mirror my facial covering pretty much hid the redness of my eyes. I guess I would pass. Mindy them combed my hair back down and readjusted the hair snaps holding my hair back on each side of my head.

I seriously don’t know what I would do without her.
 

*          *          *

 
We walked out of the restroom and down towards our lockers. A few students were milling about in the hallway.

“Look. Lisa is very sorry about that comment she made. I think you should go accept her apology.”

I pursed my lips. “It wasn’t that Mindy. I just flew off the handle from all of this pressure. In some ways, sneaking around and hiding gave me more freedom and fun than I feel now. Now, I have things I have to do and I have restrictions on me that make me feel caged in again, just like before.” I looked around quickly to make sure no one else was near where they could hear me, “As a boy, I could do more. Now I can’t. Getting used to this change is hard.”

“Welcome to my side of the fence Lynn.” Mindy smiled and shook my hand.

“Very funny Mindy. I’d still rather be this than what I was before. I guess, now, I just want to be grown up so that I can be more free again.”

“We all do. Look, let’s talk about this later at my house, when you get back from your appointment, okay?”

“Okay.” I answered. Then I thought for a moment. “I’ll apologize to her now. I don’t want her to think it’s her fault. Besides, so what if I did like girls?”

Mindy gave me a weird look.

“I was only saying. If I did, I did. So what? But I don’t like them that way. I want to be with a boy, one who is responsible and wants me for me and will treat me decently and listen to me.”

Mindy giggled. I frowned.

“We all want that Lynn! It takes time. It doesn’t happen overnight and it takes a lot of looking around and a lot of work!”

“I suppose so. That and I really want to keep the friends I have. I never again want to be alone like I had been before.”

We continued to walk back towards the cafeteria where we saw Lisa and Karen coming out.
 

*          *          *

 
Later on in the afternoon, today being a Thursday and my therapist appointment, I waited outside the school building on the left side by the parking lot looking for my Mother’s car. I ignored the masses of other kids talking and heading out to their cars or to the buses or even walking out along the sidewalks to their homes. I even saw Mindy board our bus, number 181. I watched her walk past the windows and sit down alone, in our usual seat.

Yeah, I’ll go over to her house after the appointment, if Mom will let me.

The honking of my mother’s car horn caught my attention.
 

*          *          *

 
I sat down in the car, properly of course, and fastened my seat belt. Mom seemed to sense something off with me and questioned me as she started the car moving again, “Okay sweety, what’s wrong?”

I squirmed a little. I couldn’t say it right now. But I know she expected an answer, so…

“Do you think Mr. Swanson is going to like blow up and keep me from seeing Mindy?”

My mom answered, “I think he will be okay with you honey. Janet already assured me he isn’t the kind to get angry about this sort of thing. In fact he knows a man in his office who is gay.”

Gay? I really dislike that word. It brings images of two boys or men together in my mind! Yeeeccch!

“Oh come on now Lynn. After what you are going through, you are going to think of two men wanting to be together as being strange?”

Snap! My mother must have seen my reaction!

“Well…” I started and my mouth kinda paused. I really didn’t know what to say.

We had just stopped at the light before the freeway ramp.

“Honey, I may not personally like the way some people live their lives, but at least I try to respect them as a person and not show disgust or anything. Remember Marilyn Grant? She is just like you! And she is a wonderful person. To some other people, you yourself, could be seen by them as a boy still even if you do get to go through the process to become a girl. Though, I swear, I can’t see anything about you that even suggests you are one — except for that part down below you have.”

Yeah!!! The thing that won’t let me be free to be myself with a boy!

I sulked a little. “You are right Mom. I do have to get over that hang up. To me, I see nothing wrong with two girls wanting to be together, or a boy and a girl wanting to be together either. It’s just something I have to learn to get over.”

We were now up and on the interstate heading into the city.

“Lynn, sweety,” my Mom continued, “When you are ready to tell me what is really bothering you, I’ll listen. Okay? I’m here for you.”

Geez! Are my thoughts being read by everyone today? Wow. This is getting spooky!

“Mother… ,” I moaned. “Is it that obvious?”

“Mother’s can read their daughters very well sweety. And yes, it’s that obvious.”

Great!

“Okay, when I’m ready I will explain it to you. I just have a lot of thinking to do.”

“Fair enough. Nothing serious?”

I licked my lips, as they were a little dry. “Maybe. I don’t really know right now. But it’s just something I have to find out.”

“Okay honey. Just when you are ready.”
 

*          *          *

 
My Mom soon dropped me off at the doctor’s office. My moodiness had somewhat gone back into hiding along the way here, so I was a little more like my old self again.

“I’ll pick you up at five-thirty. I have a couple of things to pick-up at the mall. Is there anything you need?” Mom asked.

“Could you possibly get a cute dress for me?” I asked.

“Hrumph, don’t make me regret this Lynn. You’re not supposed to become a girl this fast,” Mom giggled.

“But, Mom, I’ve always been a girl! I just forgot to tell you,” I said as I leaned across the car and kissed my mother’s cheek.

She moved her hand to her cheek and touched it.

“I guess there are some benefits for having a daughter after all,” she said as her eyes misted.

“Bye Mom. I’ll see you in a bit. Drive safe!” I smiled back at her as I exited the car.
 

*          *          *

 
I entered Dr. Kingston’s office and sat next to the magazine rack. I wanted to finish the article I had started the first day I was here. Dr. Kingston’s receptionist smiled at me and waved hi. I returned the gesture. I had just opened the magazine when I was called into his office.

“Good afternoon, Lynn,” he said as he shut the door behind me.

I hope I had my emotions under control!

“Good afternoon, doctor,” I replied.

“So, how did your day go?”

I shrugged. “Okay I guess.”

“Just okay? Did something happen I should know about?” I saw him giving me that all knowing eye. Omigod! I’m not talking about today anymore! What can I say?

“No. I wanted to have lunch with a friend, but he was busy.”

I noticed Dr. Kingston’s eyebrow twitch when I said that.

“Is he a good friend?” he asked.

You betcha! He’s dreamy, If I can get his attention…

“No, just a friend,” I responded.

There was no way I was going to tell the doctor my real feelings toward Jason. Despite what he claimed I could just see this getting back to my Mom. He’d probably call my mother and have me put away!

“Does he know about you, you know, the boy part?”

“No,” I answered sheepishly. I had stopped looking directly at the doctor hoping that my little white lies wouldn’t be noticed.

“I see. I’m not going to pursue this any farther today. We will have to build our trust before that happens. I do want to warn you though that dating boys that don’t know everything about you is extremely dangerous! Several of my patients have been beaten within an inch of their life when their dates found out about them! Think Lynn! Think before you do this again,” the doctor admonished.

“Yes sir,” I eeped out. Wow! I knew things could be bad, but people wanting to try and kill me for being me? Hmmm. The reaction I have towards gay boys and men. I suppose if that were magnified I could be just as bad as the ones that would want to try and hurt me. Sheesh! But I would never hurt someone. But maybe boys that feel that way… would?

I guess I have to look at things from a new perspective?

My mind wandered to this weekend and the date Mindy was setting up for us. Mindy and I have been having so much fun with this whole thing that we really haven’t been thinking about the bad things that could possibly happen. I’m starting to see what my mother sees with regards towards Mindy. I love Mindy to pieces and will obviously do almost anything she asks of me. I mean, look at me now and who I was? Mindy acts before she thinks and as this whole thing unravels, I just wonder what else she’s going to get me into?

“Good, now that we have that settled, I’d like to start from the beginning. When did you realize that you were a girl?”

I knew the very instant that had happened. It was when Rex and I first touched lips. It confirmed what my soul felt like all along and spelled out what I really was!

G-I-R-L.

After being admonished by the doctor, admitting to making out with Rex was the farthest thing from my mind!

“When Mindy and I went to the mall.”

“And why did it happen there?”

“Well it’s because we went there to try my mingling in with other people as my first time dressed as a girl out in public and we were having so much fun. It was just two girls hanging out.”

“How long have you been dressing before that?”

“Just a few times.”

“And you were certain that you were a girl?”

“Yes, more than anything.”

“I can understand that looking like a girl and being accepted as one could be exciting, but that doesn’t make you a girl. What happened before the trip to the mall?”

“I changed my clothes at Mindy’s.”

“Maybe I should rephrase that question. When was the first time you tried to become a girl? Your mother mentioned something about a prank.”

“Oh that! It was just a thing with my hair. One of my teachers thought I was a girl because my hair went wild before his class and Mindy thought it was funny. We decided to fool him for several days, but that was all.”

“Did you feel like a girl when you did that?”

“Umm, well yes and no. I thought of it more as a prank than anything else.”

“What happened next?”

“Mindy thought it would be funny to enter me in the Homecoming Pageant. We didn’t think I would win and we’d have a good laugh afterward. I didn’t count on winning the Princess title for our class.”

“Is that the first time you thought you might be a girl?”

“Well my whole life I felt odd and different. Without going too in depth, I honestly did not like doing things that boys did when I was younger and even up until Homecoming. I felt totally out of place trying to be one and realizing I did not fit in, but never why. I did not know what it was and did not have a name for it. But as far as Homecoming, I think maybe it was. I couldn’t admit to Mindy how much I liked looking like a girl. I was supposed to be a boy after all.”

“Okay. Tell me how you felt that first time.”

“When Mindy made me up, it was exciting. It was a feeling of freedom that filled up inside me and I felt right for the first time in my entire life. I was both embarrassed and happy about it at the same time. I became totally alive for the first time in my life. Does that make any sense to you Doctor?”

“It does.”

“Well, we took pictures and laughed like two girlfriends. It was when I had to go home that something else happened. I felt sad that I had to become a boy again. Even without makeup on, I realized that I saw a girl looking back at me from the mirror. It’s hard to explain. It didn’t feel wrong to try to be a girl, but I realized at that moment that it felt wrong to try and pretend anymore to be a boy, whereas being a girl just felt so right.”

“What happened after that?”

“I won the contest and because of the obligations I had to learn how to be a girl.”

“Was your mother aware of this?”

“No.”

“Okay, continue on with what happened next.”

“I went to Mindy’s and she did my makeup again, but this time I dressed completely as a girl for the first time.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Absolutely wonderful! Mindy and I spent the afternoon together and I was supposed to learn what to do as a girl, you know, like walking and sitting. Everything a girl learns her entire life, except I had to learn it in two weeks.”

“Learning to be a girl and being one are two different things Lynn. Tell me how you felt when you had to become a boy again.”

“It was awful. I got depressed. I felt like I was being wrapped in clear plastic and I couldn’t move. I felt so wrong.”

“I don’t quite understand.”

“Ok, I’ll try and say it this way then. As the afternoon continued with Mindy, I found I was talking like a girl. You know, with my hands and everything, like now. Mindy even gave me some strange looks, but didn’t say anything.”

“I see. Did Mindy teach you that?”

“No. It seemed to come naturally. In fact, she commented I really had nothing to learn in how I walked or acted, because she realized I was already doing it without her telling me. I didn’t even force these movements. It’s like who I was took over automatically.”

“When was the next time you dressed as a girl?”

“The next day. That was when we went back to the mall.”

“That was when you knew you were a girl?”

“Yes.”

“Was there any specific moment when you made that decision?”

“No. I think I already knew I was one before we got there. I now had a name for what I felt I had been repressing my whole life. I felt so natural being dressed and being allowed to be myself as a girl. I felt free. As we spent time at the mall, my thinking actually changed. I wasn’t worried that someone might see me as a boy at all. I was more concerned that they might think I was ugly.”

“You were more worried about your looks than being discovered as a boy?”

“Yes, because from the day before I didn’t think of myself as being a boy any longer. I was a girl, but I realized I was not in the body of one.”

“I have to admit you already look mostly like a girl, but beside that point, that can be dangerous, Lynn! Did you interact with any boys when you were at the mall?”

I felt my face flush when he asked that question. OMIGOD! How was I going to answer that one? Of course, I made out like crazy with a boy named Rex? I had to think of something he might like and making out wasn’t one of them.

“Mindy flirted a lot, and maybe I did too, but nothing happened,” I replied, somewhat truthfully.

He scribbled something down on his notepad.

“How did you feel about that?”

“Umm, it was really kind of fun.”

“Did the boys react to you?”

“Yes, but like I said, nothing happened.”

“It could have, you know? There are boys that troll the mall looking for young girls like you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re inexperienced. A fourteen year old girl wants to impress a boy and they don’t have enough real world experience to know when to say no.”

Gulp! He almost had me down pat! Maybe I should start taking some of their advice. I don’t really know a whole lot about what I’m getting into.

Dr. Kingston looked at the clock on his desk before he spoke again.

“Our time’s up for today Lynn. But… before you go though, I want to give you some advice as a father and not as your doctor. You’re much too young to be flirting with boys that way. If I found out my daughter was doing that at your age, I’d ground her for a month. I know that young girls like you are under enormous pressure by peers and by boys to do things you shouldn’t, things that are adult. Being the way you are places you in very grave danger and you may or not realize that entirely right now. You need to be strong enough to resist and to know when to say no. But as your doctor, this conversation stays between you and me. As much as I would like your mother to know about it, I won’t say anything. This is what I mean about trust Lynn, it’s our secret. I’ll see you next Tuesday.”

“Yes Sir.”

As I got to his door, I turned, and blushed slightly.

“Doctor Kingston?”

“Yes Lynn?”

“Thank you for caring enough to tell me that. I needed to hear that.”

He took off his glasses. “It was my pleasure Lynn. I wouldn’t have felt right in not telling you the dangers that you are really facing.”

I opened the door. “See you next week!”

Homecoming_Princess_1_iStock_000005286300.jpg

 
To Be Continued...

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Comments

Thanks for keeping this going.

I think Lynn is starting to face the reality of her situation. To date she has primarily interacted with people who accepted her as she appears. With all the cautions about possible consequences, will she encounter a few less tolerant people? I hope she fares well and realizes that she needs to talk with her mother. Some of her secrets can cause very bad consequences.

Thanks for a well written and thought provoking episode.

Hugs,
Trish-Ann
~There is no reality, only perception~

Hugs,
Trish Ann
~There is no reality, only perception~

I Was Wondering About Lynn's Dad

And now we know about him from both boy=Lynn, and girl-Lynn. Currently, there are two main characters in other stories that are like Lynn. Valerie-Tuck of The Saga Of Tuck is a chimerea, born with both male and female DNA. And Drew-Gaby is androgen insensitive, causing him to look like a girl. Because Lyn is a late bloomer he could be like Tuck, or Drew.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Has become a whole new work

I love how you've completely redone this whole section of the book. In the original everything became so depressing at this point of the story, and it was really abrupt... In this rewrite things seem to be moving in a more continuous motion, and I'm really curious to see how far you go with the changes. Please keep adding to it, it's by far one of the more memorable pieces of writing I remember reading anywhere, and I'm truly grateful to see you revisiting it. Thanks for continuing it!

-Tiffany :-)

It's great to see a new

It's great to see a new chapter! Looking forward to more.

Mir

Life for a M2F person is

more dangerous than being naturally female, because the homophobes see us as targets, because they think we don't want to be discovered. WHO CARES! If some guy were to attackme in that way I would just simply call the police, file charges, and testify against him at his trial. I am not afraid to be who I am. In fact I am very proud to be who I am, and I can thank my many friends when I was very young for being there and supporting me.

Lynn has just found out that there are guys out there that want to harm her because of who she is, and she has also found out that there are guys going around malls looking for someone to conquer. I certainly hope that she and Mindy can stop anything like from happening with either Rex or Jason. It is going to be interesting to see how this goes.

"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."

Love & hugs,
Barbara

"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."

"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."

Love & hugs,
Barbara

"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."

I have enjoyed this from the beginning

This is a wonderful and well-crafted story, but I think the insertion of the "abusive father" angle lands with a thud for me. Lynn could have been who she was without that being injected.

But overall, I just love the story so I hope you take my criticism as both minor and constructive.

Here is the Evidence Trishs

straight from chapter 1 of HCP(revised) - http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/13407/homecoming-princ...

Mom puts up with the length because she spoils me. Ever since my father left us, she’s doted over me, and it’s not like I mind. Dad left when I was five years old. Mom went back to work because my father wasn’t making enough to keep us housed and fed. Mom was soon making twice what my father made and he couldn’t handle that. Mom said it was macho bullshit, but it didn’t matter to dad. He got drunk and took off in the car and that was that. We never heard from him again, except for the paperwork for a divorce, which mom signed. Mom’s a Realtor and spends a lot of time away from home and when she and I are together, she lets me get away with more than most parents would. This isn’t to say I’m a bad kid; I just like to joke a lot.

The abuse was more mental than physical. Abuse can be either, and putting someone down in their learning stages causes severe problems. In this case, the way that Lynn turned out. Sort of isolated, excelled at schoolwork, and anti social to a large extent. More of this will be unveiled in future chapters. But Lynn regrets not having a "real" father and her "father" tried to force her through boy things she clearly did not want to do at the time and felt he didn't like her. It was all about "him." Not Lynn. That has a lasting impact on a child.

She needed a father that cared enough for his child to let his child develop the way she/he wanted to and help cheer her/him on and support activities and things the child likes while being responsible to show them the right and wrong ways of things.

Sephrena Lynn Miller
BigCloset TopShelf
TGLibrary.com

Direction more than evidence

Lynn's declaration in the latest installment goes far deeper than the paragraph early in the story.

I guess what I'm saying is that the abuse, while likely real, is not very well-defined in the excerpt you include. It comes out much heavier in the latest installment and that doesn't ring in the same key as what is in the excerpt.

I still like the story.

Homecoming queen...

This chapter is very good. Lynn's getting support as well as information she needs to hear, but not necessarily likes to.

Jessie C

Jessica E. Connors

Jessica Connors