Bobby looked at me strangely.
"What's that Brian?"
"Your eyes Brian. Your lashes look like my sister's!"
Oh my god! I was caught! In my rush to get out of my mother's clothes and get her things back to where they belonged, I forgot to take off the mascara, which I usually didn't put on.
"I can't believe you're wearing girly makeup Brian!"
I was torn between wanting to cry or run.
"Calm down Brian. I don't care."
"Really. I don't care. So don't get all scared or anything. You look like you're gonna get sick or something."
"I just. I mean I messed up. No one was supposed to ever know Bobby."
That's when I started to cry. Bobby just stood there for a bit before he finally broke in.
"Don't worry Brian. I won't tell anyone. You're still my best friend. Okay?"
Through my sniffles I said, "Okay. Thanks."
"Why you do it anyway Brian?"
"I don't know. I guess it started a few years ago when I started noticing my mom's pretty things in the hamper. I tried some on. I liked it."
"How do you look?"
"I don't know. Pretty good I guess. Maybe that's why I kept doing it."
"Can I see?"
"Can I see?"
"Nah. I don't think so Bobby."
"I don't know. I just don't think I could do it in front of anyone."
"Maybe especially you."
"Too bad," he said. "I think it would be kinda cool to see. Are you sure?"
"I don't know. I don't think so."
"Well if you don't want to show me, you might as well wash that stuff off before someone else sees you."
"Oh yeah. Thanks."
Bobby followed me home and watched as I washed off my mom's mascara. We were young. We started playing like nothing had happened. Bobby was so good about not teasing me that I practically forgot my near-death-from-embarrassment experience until it was time to go in for dinner.
"Hey Brian. I still think it would be pretty cool to see you dressed up sometime. Maybe some other time?"
"Uh. Maybe. Goodnight Bobby."
"Yeah. See you tomorrow."
A week went by and I had another opportunity alone in the house. I was prepared to rummage around my mom's things to pick out something to where when I remembered Bobby. For some reason, I couldn't get myself to get dressed up. Even alone. Though I always liked dressing up, I also hated myself afterward. I thought that maybe it was a good thing getting caught by Bobby if it meant I didn't want to get dressed up right then. Maybe getting caught was my "cure".
Bobby never said a word. It was like the whole thing never happened. I was alone in the house a few days later. I wasn't cured. I found myself in Mom's cocktail dress, stockings, pumps, jewelry, makeup. I pranced around the house the perfect little lady. Though I was deathly afraid of actually being seen, a part of me was already thinking that maybe I did want to show Bobby.
That part of me kept growing every time I had the opportunity to dress. Bobby never asked to see again but I was starting to actually hope he would. Then one day I had a lot of time and went all out. I even put on some nail polish, hair spray and some perfume! Though I knew I would be scrubbing in the shower like a madman to get the smell off before Mom came home, I just had to put it on.
I was just pacing around the house. I picked up the phone.
"Hi Mrs. Johnson. Is Bobby there?"
"Sure Brian. I'll get him."
"Hey Bobby. Wanna come over and play some video games?"
"Sure Brian. I'll be right over."
The bell rang.
I took a deep breath and opened the door.
Bobby looked stunned. Then, "Wow! You look beautiful Brian!"
"Shut up and get in will ya?"
I practically slammed the door behind him.
"No REALLY Brian. You look really good like that. You even smell nice!"
"Thanks. I think."
We both stood there awkwardly for a bit then I said, "So?"
"So what? You look great like a girl. You still want to play some video games?"
"Great. Let's go."
So we went into my room and started playing video games. It was kinda strange being dressed like that and Bobby acting like nothing was wrong at all. Like always, we were more wrapped up in the games than anything else anyway.
At one point Bobby said matter-of-factly, "Maybe we should come up with some other name for you when you're like this. It seems sorta weird calling you Brian like that."
"Sure. I guess. Like what?"
"How about Stacy?"
"I don't know. There was this pretty girl in camp named Stacy and I kinda like the name."
"Uh. Okay. If you think so."
"Yeah. Why not Stacy? See?"
So for the rest of the day, I was Stacy. It was strange but a lot more relaxed (and fun) than I would have ever imagined. I looked at the time.
"Sorry Bobby, but I have to get out of all this and straighten up. We can play some more tomorrow."
His answer caught me by surprise.
"Sure. As Stacy or Brian though?"
"I don't know. Brian I guess."
"Your choice," he shrugged and left me to my transformation back into the other me.
The next day I was Brian. Bobby didn't say a word about Stacy. It was hard to describe it but things were strangely normal. It wasn't right away but I was comfortable enough to be Stacy again pretty soon. Bobby didn't miss a beat.
"Hi Stace. Looking great. Ready to get your ass kicked in some serious Video Football?"
"You're going down tough guy!"
"Yeah right! No girl's going to beat me!"
And that was it. We played until it was time for me to transform back into Brian again. Bobby left saying something about giving him some warning next time. Maybe he could bring over some of his sister's old things.
Before long, Stacy was like another regular friend of Bobby's. I dressed up off and on as the weeks turned to months.
"Hey Stacy. It's a Saturday and your Mom's out all day. Let's get out of the house too."
"Uh. No way Bobby."
"What do you mean No Way Bobby? Why not Stace."
"I don't know. I can't go out like this. What if someone sees me?"
"Believe me. NO ONE will know its you. Not since you got those color contacts. You can't just stay in the house like this forever lumphead."
In spite of the lumphead comment, Bobby's thought was surprisingly mature and touched a real nerve. My taste of being Stacy around Bobby left an even hungrier desire to test myself in the real world. I was just too scared to dare. Bobby did it for me.
"I dare you."
"I dare you Stacy! I dare you to go to the arcade or the mall or the movies like that. Anything! Or are you chicken?"
"I don't know,"
"Bck! Bck! Bck! CHICKEN!!!"
"Stop it already! Okay! Okay!"
"So what'll it be little chick?"
I gave him a sideways look at that one and thought a bit. There would be too many people at the arcade or mall that might know me. The movies too but most of the time would be in the dark.
"Okay. Let's go."
As I grabbed some cash and my keys, I realized that I didn't have pockets to put them in. I ran upstairs to grab a purse to put them in. After I locked up, I was actually walking out of the house and into the wide world as Stacy. I was scared out of my mind!
Only no one gave me a second look. I had a small hidden wardrobe of Bobby's sister's cast-offs so at least the clothes were more girly than my mom's. No one gave me a second look because no one thought I was anything other than a girl.
By the time we waited on line for the movie, got food, and were seated, I was actually relaxed enough about being not caught that I started to enjoy myself. The movie was great and I was out as a girl!
"Don't let me forget my purse," I whispered to Bobby.
"Not my problem chick."
I guess he was right. It also wasn't his problem when it came time to go to the bathroom. I tried to hold it in but wasn't going to make it.
By habit, I started heading for the men's room when I stopped myself. There was no way I could go in there wearing a little denim skirt and strappy little sandals. The makeup, flowery top, jewelry, nail polish, perfume, pony tail, and purse didn't help either. With nothing else to do, I walked into the ladies room like it was no bid deal. I encountered my first frustration as a girl, the pee line. Why was there always a line for the girls to pee?!
That day was the best day of my little life.
The months turned to a couple of years and being Stacy was a regular part of my life with Bob.
Bob was the only one who ever knew but I didn't always rely on him to venture out anymore. We were growing up and Bobby was starting to discover real girls. Puberty hadn't kicked in for me yet but it wasn't going to be long. I was VERY confused. I loved being with Bob as Stacy but didn't think I would like some other boy THAT way. I thought I liked girls but started to realize that I was looking at them and imagining myself wearing their outfits more than anything else. It was like I wanted to be them rather than be with them.
Unlike Bob, I never got the nerve to ask anyone out as Brian. I was starting to be approached by boys but I never said yes. It was my champion, Bob, who once again opened my mascaraed eyes.
"Who do you want to be Stacy? You might want to think about that now instead of later."
"I know. I know. It's just that I don't know."
"Typical. Just like a woman."
We both laughed but in that instant I knew.
Bob was used to my suddenly stopping our fun to rush back to change back into Brian. By then, he watched the clock too and was as aware of the time that I needed to change as I was.
"You better start home Stace."
"Yeah. Thanks Bob."
"See you later?"
I went home but didn't change. Instead, I went to the bathroom and found the hair remover cream that my mom always used on her legs. I had read enough girly magazines to know what to do with tweezers as well. I couldn't believe how much a difference those two seemingly simple things could make.
I waited on the couch, trying not to bite my polished nails. Mom would be home any minute.
She dropped a bag and nearly tripped over it when she came home and saw me.
I didn't have a chance to stand up as she rushed over to hug me in great heaving tears. My own tears were just as uncontrollable.
"Oh my baby! Oh my baby! Oh my baby!" she almost chanted between her sobs.
"I'm sorry Mom," I sobbed into her shoulder.
Finally when we were composed enough to talk she started.
"No. No. I should be the one who is sorry Brian."
"No listen to me first. I have to say this. Brian. I've known you have been dressing up for years now."
"Wait. This is hard enough Sweetie. I first noticed my things in wrong places or wrinkled or smelling of perfume when they just came out of dry cleaning and a number of things long ago. I know about your clothes and wig and things in your closet. I'm sorry Brian because I just couldn't bring myself to say anything to you."
She started crying again, which got me going too. Finally I was able to say, "Don't be sorry Mom."
She dismissed my words with a wave of her hand.
"No honey! I failed you. I should have been there for you instead of having you go through this alone! I should have been your MOTHER damnit!"
"No. Its my turn to talk. I wasn't alone. I guess my secret was never too secret after all. Bob found out too."
"Yeah. He's been a great friend and you have been a great mother. I don't know if I could have discovered myself the same way if you knew early on. I needed to come to YOU instead of the other way around."
She just stared at me as the words sank in. Though my words were true, it was almost like I had given her a life-raft to her own sanity.
We threw our arms around each other and just held on for a loving eternity. Finally we were good enough to talk for real.
"So. What do you call yourself."
"Hmmmm. Stacy. That's a lovely name Stacy. It suits you."
"So you want to become a real woman?"
"Yes Mom. I do."
"Are you sure sweetie?"
"I've never been surer about anything in my life before."
"Okay then. From what I understand it's not easy but I'm sure we can do this together. It's going to take time and money and probably a great deal of pain. But if you're sure, I'll do all I can for you honey."
"I'm sure. Oh THANK you Mom!"
I saw my first doctor three days later. My nearness to the onset of puberty prompted an almost immediate dosing of male hormone-blockers and some light doses of female hormones to at least offset anything male still in my system. Soon though, I was on a regular regimen of hormones to give me a different kind of puberty. I was going to be a woman.
Still, I cried a little right before the surgery to remove my testicles. The paperwork changing my name legally to Stacy had gone through about that time too.
Mom took another job to send me to a private school. I still hung out with Bob but he was always going out with one girlfriend or another. I made a lot of friends at my new school as Stacy. Though I found out quickly that teenage girls mainly talk about teenage boys, I still didn't respond to any of the boy's advances. I didn't feel finished. It didn't quite feel right yet.
It was strange but wonderful as my body started to fill out and round out like no boy's would. I still remember my first training bra being the most beautiful thing in my wardrobe.
I also dimly remember a conversation with my surgeon who was telling me things like "Even a gynecologist won't be able to tell unless they do an internal" or "most women report full sexual responsiveness and an ability to orgasm." A week later, I awoke to a fog of pain and medication. Bob was there with my mom. He had flowers.
It had been done. I was a woman.
The pain was tremendous but I eventually healed. I was amazed to see my beautiful sex between my legs rather than the awkward bits that used to hang there. Full recovery took months but I was like a freed prisoner. I loved the new me! I loved the me that was able to be open and unhidden anymore. I can't begin to describe how wonderful it was to actually be able to put on a bikini and swim!
I was with Bob at a movie one night. He had broken up with another girlfriend and I was his usual crying-shoulder. He was real quiet most of the night. Something was on his mind.
"We've been friends for a long time haven't we?"
"Well, actually more than just best friends in my mind Stacy."
"What I've been wanting to say all night but couldn't is that I think I love you Stacy."
I was stunned and couldn't say anything. Suddenly everything made sense. I didn't need to say anything. I threw my arms around him and as my eyes misted over I kissed him full on the lips.
"Oh you stupid boy! I love you too."
We had started going out heavy almost right away, which wasn't much of a change from how much time we spent together before. The weeks went by and suddenly he was asking me to go to the senior prom!
I stood there feeling like a princess in my pink taffeta gown. I was nervous as hell as Bob and his camera-carrying mother came over. Bob never looked so good in his rented tux.
"You look beautiful Stacy."
"Thanks. And you look so handsome Bob."
"Here. I got these for you," he said as he unwrapped and started putting the corsage on me.
My mom had been helping me for weeks to get ready. I had enough little dance lessons to feel like I knew what I was doing.
We headed off toward the rented limo while flashes went off behind us. You would have thought we were getting married by the way our moms were carrying on and blubbering.
That dance was the most wonderful night of my life. I wished it would never end. In a way it hasn't. Bob is going to college at Indiana next year and I just got accepted there as well. We are so in love. To spend any time away would be pure torture. I can't wait to be there with him. I know I'm foolish to think that I'll end up married to my childhood sweetheart, but a girl can dream. Can't she?
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