What really happened to Dan Quayle
A conversation five or so years ago…
“Hello sir, my name is Lin Song and I’m with the Young Republican’s, I was wondering if I could speak to you about what our party stands for?”
She was a young Asian woman about five foot one or so with long black hair, she looked to be about twenty or twenty one, a college activist at the local university I guess as I moved to shut the door.
“Sorry, I’m busy and I already know who I’m gonna vote for, thanks anyway, have a good day Lin.”
I shut the door, my Republican day’s had long passed, I had left no longer agreeing with what the party had become and I retired to a small farm in Indiana, I had had my day in the sun and had ridden off into the sunset, content to separate myself from the abomination the Republican Party had become. The door bell rang again, it was the same damn girl.
“I’m sorry to bother you sir but I really need to speak to you Senator.”
“Ms. Song, I am no longer a senator, I am no longer connected to the party, I barely even vote anymore, I am sorry but I cannot and will not help you with anything, I don’t do causes and I’m retired!”
“Sir, I’m not here for any cause, I am here for your country, America needs you Senator, your party needs you sir, please, hear me out!”
“Ms. Song, I left the party many years ago and Newt and all the rest of those hypocrites know why and they agreed to leave me in peace, now please leave, I’m not a public figure anymore, no one even knows where I live so please just leave me be, have a good day Ms. Song!” and I started to shut the door.
“I was hoping we wouldn’t have to do it this way…”
She pushed a small atomizer in my face and sprayed, the mist hitting me square in the face and I slowly passed into unconsciousness.
“Good morning Senator so nice of you to join us!”
I looked up into blinding white lights only a vague black shadow showed where the man’s voice had come from. I was in some kind of surgical theater, I struggled to sit up only to notice that I was restrained by leather straps.
“Don’t try to leave so soon Senator, we are just getting started, you aren’t even going to stay and say hello to an old buddy?”
The man in the shadows stepped forward into the light.
“Bill, Bill Frist you son of a bitch, let me go, let me go, what do you think you are doing! People will miss me, people will be looking for me!”
Another person stepped into the light, it was Ms. Song, the woman who captured me.
“You bitch, let me go…”
She put her soft hand over my mouth, “Shhh… Senator, save your strength, you’ll need it besides as you told me, no one knows where you live and frankly no one gives a shit, so please relax, you are helping to save our nation, you should be proud!”
She was wearing surgical scrubs complete with the latex gloves and mask, she pulled a needle from an unseen tray, filled with a clear liquid, she slowly inserted the needle into my bicep and pressed the plunger until the liquid had completely emptied into my bloodstream. I felt my body go limp and numb as the drug coursed through my arteries, a soothing tingling sensation spreading into every extremity.
“You will still be able to hear us Dan but this should keep you manageable, you will be able to think but not move or make any noise, so as I was saying, you are here to help us.” Ms. Song stepped back allowing Frist to come closer.
“Ahh Dan you once had such potential but why didn’t you stay, but you were too good to let just retire and walk away, once a Republican, always a Republican, you should have known that, we can’t just have you resurface and expect you to have the same appeal so some minor modifications are necessary but when they are completed you’ll be the next Reagan!” Frist turned his back to me and started to walk off as the dark closed in around me.
I awoke with a start, an unknown amount of time having passed since I fell into the drug induced slumber. I was in the same dark room, still unable to move the only change I could notice was the tubes in my arm, a large IV bag hanging on a rack.
“Good morning Dan how are you feeling, you slept on us for two weeks but we put that time to good use, don’t worry. The IV in your arm has been dripping since you passed out. In case you were wondering it is a combination of very powerful mind altering drugs and strong estrogens mixed with a standard IV drip to keep you hydrated. You cannot stop us so why not just relax and just enjoy the rest and relaxation we provide.”
Bill Frist stepped forward with a pair of headphones and a pair of strange looking goggles connected to a modified laptop. He placed the laptop on my stomach and started to turn it on and prepare whatever it was he was going to do to me.
“This is a very special device that Dick Cheney had designed. The good folks at NSA and CIA haven’t even gotten to play with new toy yet you should be honored, you are the first of what will be many, many patients. You see it works like hypnotic tapes only better. If you only use one sense like the ears you can achieve a good deal of success and control, but some genius at NSA figured out that if you can affect all of the senses then your control will be almost unbreakable!”
He pulled some form of glove on my hands and feet, strapping them on and attaching the associated wires into the computer, a pair of electric booties were put on my feet. I felt a pair of probes being shoved up my nose and clipped into place making it hard to breathe. A strange gag was shoved into my mouth forcing itself down my throat settling next to my Adams apple. Frist placed the strange goggles over my eyes, a small probe forcing itself into my eyeball.. He slowly placed the small ear buds into my ear canal and coved them with heavy headphones. I was unable to see anything the darkness stifling
“Now the fun part of this system is that I can make you do or think anything I want now, all I have to do is keep you plied with the special drug and repeat the message over and over again until it has replaced all other thoughts that once inhabited your mind, neat huh!” Bill laughed uncontrollably as I could hear him working on the computer through the earphones.
“We’ll start with a simple message for you to start, welcome to your new life, goodbye Dan, it was nice meeting you, say hello to your new self.”
With a keystroke he left the room as a sound started to emanate from the headphones.
“Your name is Sarah Louise Palin, your name has always been Sarah Louise Palin, you will only respond to Sarah Louise Palin, your name is Sarah Louise Palin, your name has always been Sarah Louise Palin, you will only respond to Sarah Louise Palin, your name is Sarah Louise Palin…”
A week later…
“Hello how are we doing today?” I heard Bill ask through the headphones.
“Like shit Bill, at least your brain washing isn’t working, I’m still the same person!”
“Really, please tell me your name?”
“Sarah Louise Palin dumb shit, see I still know who I am, you can’t change that, I am still Sarah, you can never change that!” I shouted defiantly, struggling against the mouth gag.
“Ok Sarah, I guess it isn’t working is it, but I am still going to keep trying, have fun Sarah!”
A new message started in the ear phones, “Your name is Mrs. Sarah Louise Palin, you are a woman, you have always been a woman, you have never been a male and never will, you love being a woman and are a happily married woman, you are married to Todd Palin, always have and love being with him, you have five children, Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow and Piper, your name is Mrs. Sarah Louise Palin, you are a woman…” I passed into unconsciousness confident that I was resisting what they were trying to accomplish.
“Good morning Mrs. Palin, how are you today?”
“Not well at all Bill, let me go!”
“We will soon Sarah, but we can’t if the retraining isn’t working, is it working?”
“No and it never will you can’t brain wash a woman like me, but can you please let me see my children, I miss them!”
“Soon Sarah, soon, soon it will be over, please just relax and allow the computer to do its work and you will be free!”
“You are from Wasilla Alaska, you have never lived anywhere else, you love Alaska, you can see Russia from your back porch, you love being a beautiful woman, you won the Miss Wasilla beauty contest and finished third in all of Alaska, you love wearing makeup and skirts, you love being beautiful, you need to be beautiful, you are from Wasilla Alaska, you have never lived anywhere else, you love Alaska…”
“You were once the mayor of Wasilla, you want to be governor of Alaska, you need to be governor of Alaska, you desire to be president, you must become president, you want to be the first woman president, you have to be the first woman president…”
“You are a Republican, you have always been a Republican, you will always be a Republican, whatever Todd tells you to vote for and stand for you think is a great idea, you must always obey the RNC, the RNC knows all, you are a Republican, you have always been a Republican…
“You are always good natured and cheerful, you always smile, you enjoy being a politician, you love to flirt with men, you use your body to win votes, you are always happy to meet another Republican, you are best friends with Bill Frist, you are always good natured and cheerful…”
“Good morning Sarah, how are you doing today, are you feeling better?”
“Yes I am Bill, thanks for asking, how are Todd and my kids?”
“They are doing well and look forward to seeing you but we need to operate on one small part of you, nothing major, just a minor surgery, ok?”
“Okay Bill, I trust you.”
“Lets get you up Sarah!” He pulled the straps loose and slowly pulled the apparatus off, careful not to cause to much pain.
“Follow me please, please be careful not to step on anything.”
I passed a mirror and caught a glimpse of an old man in the mirror.
“Hey Bill, who is that?” I said pointing to the mirror.
“That’s you Sarah, but don’t worry, we will fix that soon, don’t worry, please just lay down on this table and it will all be over, ok?”
“Ok…” I laid down on the cold metal and tried to relax. Bill placed a small oxygen mask over my face and I felt my world go dark.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for coming here today, I would like to present to you my candidate for Vice President, please welcome Governor Sarah Palin!”
I walked out, my heels clicking on the stage floor. I had waited for this day a long time. I looked into the assorted cameras facing the stage. I smiled and winked at the media. I was confident that my good looks would no doubt help the election. I had done my makeup well, my hair pulled back, my business suit and skirt completing my look. I had fought long and hard to get here. I smiled at my husband Todd, I love him so much and my kids too. I approached the podium to address the media.
“Thank you for coming today, my name is Sarah Palin…”
The papers the next day were abuzz with the news of such a young and inexperienced candidate being nominated. It reminded many of the older reporters of a certain other youthful VP candidate of questionable intelligence but calls placed to the Quayle household remained unanswered…
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