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Part 19

Soaking in the warm water feels so nice and relaxing. Opening my eyes, I watch the blood run from the cut parallel to the healing one on my left arm. As it flows out, I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. As my weakness grows, I start to slide further down into the water.

I begin to realize that I am going to die and I that I really don’t want to. I try to call out, to get someone to come and help me but my voice is too weak.

I begin to struggle but it’s so hard to do anything. I’m crying and trying to call out, to get someone, anyone to hear me and come save me.

Looking up, I see Ellen standing next to the tub shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, Ellen, please, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to die.”

Ellen is just standing there watching me. Why won’t she help me?

I’m so weak now. I slide down further and then I’m under the water. Everything is now tinted pink as I look up.

I’m struggling harder and finally Ellen reaches down towards me and starts to pull.

At that point, I fully wake up. Tangled in my sheets and dripping wet from sweat, I struggle to free myself. Suddenly I realize that I’m not alone. Someone is with me, helping me, telling me to take it easy, that everything is going to be all right.

As I get disentangled, I realize that Ellen is with me.

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. Alex, everything is going to be okay. Relax, honey,” and I do.

“This is the fifth night in a row that you’ve had a nightmare. Same one?”

“Yeah. Same one. Only this time you were there but you were just watching me. Oh, Ellen, what am I going to do?”

“Well the first thing is we’re going to get you out of this mess of a bed and cleaned up. Then, you’re going to sleep with me in my bed. Maybe that will help keep the boggles away. Fortunately, you meet with your new doctor in the morning.”

“Do you think she’ll be able to help me?”

“That’s what she’s trained to do. But if she can’t, we’ll find one who can. Okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, sis, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Hey, that’s what I’m here for. Now come on, let’s get you cleaned up and get back to bed.”

* * *

In the morning, I slowly wake up. I’m curled up next to Ellen. She has her arm wrapped around me and is holding me close.

This is nice, I feel safe. I also feel like I need to pee.

I lift Ellen’s arm and slide out of her bed, trying not to wake her. She stayed awake last night comforting me and I don’t think she got much sleep.

I tiptoe into the bathroom and do my business, then make my way upstairs.

In the kitchen, Mom is drinking coffee and reading the paper.

“Hey, honey, another bad night?”

“Yeah. Thank goodness Ellen checked on me. She insisted on me going down and sleeping with her. I sure hope this doctor can do something.”

“She will. Now fix yourself something to eat and then go on up and get dressed. Your appointment is in two hours and the traffic isn’t going to be fun.”

“Okay, Mom.”

So I fix some breakfast and then go upstairs to shower and get dressed.

Looking in the mirror as I dry myself off, I see less and less the boy I was growing up and more and more the girl I seem destined to become. What am I? Am I a boy or a girl? Do I have a choice in this or is it all out of my hands?

I really hope that this doctor can help me. Between the nightmares and the changes my body is going through I really need some help getting this straightened out.

I pull up my briefs and slip on one of my sports bras. Then it’s jeans, tee shirt and my trainers and I’m dressed.

I look into the mirror again and something isn’t quite right. I’m not sure what it is, though.

I brush my hair and decide that I’ll leave it down today and not in a ponytail.

That done, I go downstairs to see if Mom is ready. She is, so off we go to San Fran.–always a fun drive.

Surprisingly we make pretty good time and we’re even able to find some parking which is another miracle.

We’re a bit early, but that’s just as well given all of the forms that have to be filled out.

As Mom does that, I check out the two-year-old magazines that are there.

My name is called just as Mom sits back down from delivering the completed paperwork and we’re shown back to the doctor’s office.

My therapist’s name is Doctor Amanda Rivera. She’s probably around 45 or 50 years old, and has graying hair, worn short. She’s about four feet nine inches tall and can’t weigh more than eighty or ninety pounds.

She has a very warm and expressive face and I immediately like her.

We all sit down and get to know each other. After a bit, Mom goes out to the waiting room and I stay to continue talking to Amanda, as she wants me to call her.

* * *

After my appointment, Mom and I leave Dr. Rivera’s office and get the car and head off to lunch. After that, we have to go to Dr. Martin’s office to have my bandage changed and to get the latest results from all of the testing I had done. I’m not sure if I want to hear what she has to say or not.

I know that I need to and I know that whatever it is, I’ll need to deal with it one way or another, but that doesn’t mean that I have to like it, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to go and hide from the world.

Part 20

We get to Dr. Martin’s office and we don’t even have a chance to sit as we are immediately sent back to the Doctor’s office.

Dr. Martin greets us and invites us to sit.

“Well, Alex, how are you doing today?”

“Not too bad, Doctor. I met with Dr. Rivera this morning and she seems real nice.”

“She’s one of the best and should be able to help you. Now, we have the full results back from the tests we did and I’m sure you both are eager for the results.”

“That’s an understatement,” both my Mom and I say together.

This gets us all chuckling a bit, then Dr. Martin continues.

“Okay, I’m not going into the details, just boil it all down to how it all relates to you, okay? I’ll make sure that you have the full report before you leave, but I think this way will mean more to you.”

“Okay, Doctor.”

“To start, a quick lesson on how boys and girls are made. Humans are genetically determined to be either a boy or a girl by chromosome pairs, specifically the XY chromosome. Now boys have a XY pair and girls have a XX pair. During reproduction, a male can produce either an X sperm or a Y sperm, while a female can only provide an X egg. A Y sperm and an X egg produce a boy, while an X sperm and an X egg produce a girl. Got it?”

“Yes, that seems simple enough.”

“Okay, we found that you actually have a XX chromosome pair and that does support your development. But we’re still left trying to explain the presence of what appear to be both sets of reproductive organs.

“With me so far?”

“I think so.” My Mom agrees.

“Good. Now at first I thought that you may have what is called ‘ovotestes.’ But closer examination seems to indicate that you may have PIV or Progestin Induced Virilization.

“Sharon, were you perhaps given progestin during your pregnancy with Alex?”

“Yes, we were living in Thailand at the time and it wasn’t an easy pregnancy. The progestin was supposed to help prevent a miscarriage. Are you saying that the drug they gave me did this to my child?”

I just gulp and hold on tighter to my Mom’s hand. I didn’t even realize that I took it.

“It is entirely possible. The sad thing is that the drug didn’t work as they thought it did.

“We’ll need to have some additional testing to confirm PIV, but it is looking like that may be what happened.”

“Just what does this all mean, Doctor?” I ask.

“Well basically, you are physically a female. The progestin that your mother was given while she was carrying you verilized your genitals. It fused your labia and closed the entrance to your vagina and it also developed an almost complete phallus. The tissue of your fused labia is what looks like your scrotum.

“Yes, you do have ovaries and they are slightly underdeveloped, but they are there. And yes, you do have a uterus, cervix and a vaginal canal. Your internal structure appears to be on par with that of an adolescent female. I will want to get some additional testing done to verify all of this.

“Now there is also a chance that you may be infertile. The ovaries are underdeveloped and I believe that the likelihood of them producing eggs is slim. We’ll need to do more tests to determine that. It’s possible that they are underdeveloped due to you being a ‘late bloomer’ and we’ll need to keep an eye on that. These additional tests will also help us determine if we need to be concerned with other potential complications given your condition.

“The lab tests confirm that you’re definitely producing estrogen. Physically, and with a few notable exceptions, you have all of the physical characteristics of a pubescent female of approximately sixteen to seventeen years of age.

“Now we’re going to want to run these additional tests as soon as possible, but that is what is going on in a nutshell.

“Do you have any questions?”

My Mom and I just sit there, stunned, trying to process all that the doctor has just told us.

I finally say, “Um, Doctor? You said I was sixteen or seventeen. I’m only fourteen, well almost fifteen.”

“I said that ‘physically’ you appear to be sixteen or seventeen. Your body appearance is what I was referring to.”

“Oh, okay.”

My Mom asks, “What’s next, Doctor? Where do we go from here?”

“Next will be some more testing, I’m afraid. We need to understand as fully as possible what is going on inside Alex’s body. Ultimately though, Alex here is going to have to decide which gender he wants to live as.

“That’s something I want you to discuss with Dr. Rivera. From a medical standpoint, we can perform surgery to help your body conform to who you feel you are, but before we can do that, you need to know inside what you are, what you feel most comfortable as.

“I won’t lie to you, Alex, no matter what you choose, it isn’t going to be easy. What I will promise you is that I will do everything in my power to help you.

“Now once you make your choice, we can start to work with your body to make it the gender you want. If you decide to be female, we can let your body continue to develop as it is and eventually you can have surgery to give you a full vagina.

“If you decide to be male, we’d start you on blockers to suppress the female hormones and you would begin hormone replacement therapy. This would start to make your body more masculine, and again, eventually surgery will be needed to remove the excess breast tissue and to enlarge your penis.

“I know this is an awful lot to throw at you all at once. Talk it over with your Mom and Dad and especially with Dr. Rivera. You don’t need to make a decision right away, at least from a medical standpoint you don’t.

“Now do either of you have any more questions?”

Mom says, “You mentioned possible complications. What were you referring to?”

“Well if Alex’s uterus is fully developed, Alex could start menstruating. If that happens and there isn’t any way for the body to discharge, then Alex could be in a bit of trouble. The tests we’ll do will help us determine how developed the uterus is. We will need to operate if Alex is capable of menstruation, otherwise the danger is just too great.

“Anything else?”

We don’t have any other questions. I think we both are still in shock–I know I am. After all, it isn’t everyday you find out that for the last fifteen years the gender you think you are is wrong, at least physically that is.

“Well you will, and you can call me at any time. If I’m not available, I’ll get back to you just as soon as I can.

“We can start the tests I mentioned next week if that’s okay. Perhaps on the day you come in to get those stitches out?”

“Okay, Doctor, and thank you.”

At that, Mom and I leave and start home. We are both very quiet.

***

I just stare out the window on the way home. I can’t even tell you what I am thinking about–just trying to process all of the information I just got.

I finally realize that Mom is calling my name and has been for some time.

“Alex? Honey?”

“Yeah, Mom?”

“Want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know what to say, or what to ask. I’m just trying to get my head wrapped around this whole thing. All those times you told me that I was special: guess you didn’t know just how right you were. I guess I can always get a job now in a circus.”

“Hey! You stop that and stop it right now! I will not let you put yourself down like that. Do you understand me?”

“Sorry, Mom.”

“I mean it. Yes, you are special, very special. But it isn’t because of your condition, it’s because of WHO YOU ARE, not what you are.

“You are a wonderful person. You are kind and caring, you’re smart, very smart, and you are extremely talented.

“Everything that makes you special, that makes you the wonderful person you are, is independent of your gender or physical appearance. You need to realize that, to believe that because it’s true, honey.

“As far as the gender issue, that needs to be decided solely on what makes you feel the best and NOT what anyone else thinks. Not me or your father, Ellen or the twins, or anyone else for that matter. Just you, and whatever YOU decide, your family will be there to support you. Understand?”

It’s a good thing that Mom has pulled into a Target parking lot and stopped the car because at this point I broke down into tears and so did Mom and we just hold each other, crying.

“Oh, Mom! I love you so much.”

“I love you too, honey.”

After both of us have a good cry, we wipe our eyes and blow our noses.

Mom says, “Let’s go in the store. I want to get you some things.”

“What?”

“Well, I think you’re going to need something better than those three sports bras your sister got for you. You’re big enough to need a real bra and since we’re here we can get you a few more things as well.”

“A bra? Really?”

“Don’t worry, you can keep dressing the way you have been, but you need the support a real bra can give you. Besides, no one will know what you wear under your clothes unless you tell them.”

“Oh, okay, I guess. I gotta tell you, Mom, this isn’t the easiest thing to get used to.”

We both kind of chuckle at the understatement as we go into the store.

“I’m sure it isn’t, honey, but you dressed up with Robbyn, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but that was different somehow. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”

“Did you like it?”

“Oh, Mom.”

“I’m not trying to embarrass you, sweetheart, I’m just trying to help and to understand.”

“I know but still. Yeah, I did like it. If nothing else it was different.”

“I bet.”

At this point, we enter the Girls Department. Now I have been in one before, it’s just that this is the first time I’ll be in one to get me something. I’m going to have so much that I’ll have to work out with Amanda it’s not funny. Oh well, time to take the plunge.

Mom gives me a critical look then starts to examine the rack of bras that is there. She picks out several then motions me to follow her. She goes straight to the dressing rooms and I follow very nervously.

Mom has me go into one of the dressing cubicles and remove my shirt and bra. She then passes over one of the bras she has.

After repeatedly trying to hook the closure in the back, I finally call out to Mom.

“Mom? Can you help with this? I can’t seem to get it.”

Opening the door, Mom says, “Oh my. That one is way too small for you. Here, try this one.”

I shrug off the one I’m trying to get on and put the other one Mom gave me on. Fortunately, this one has a clasp in the front.

“That’s better but I think you need a larger cup size.”

“Larger? Just how big am I?”

“Here, try this one on. You look to be about a 32B. You really do have a lovely figure, especially for your age.”

Turning several shades of pink, I try on the other bra.

“I’m really not trying to embarrass you, honey.”

“I know. It’s just going to take some getting used to is all. Say, this feels pretty nice.”

“Yes, I think we got it. Keep in mind that between you still growing and each manufacturer being a bit different, you’re going to have to try on any new bra you want before you buy it.

“You can get dressed now, I’m going back out to get a few more. Join me when you’re done.”

“Okay, Mom.”

After getting my clothes back on, I go back out to Mom.

“Honey, would you like to get some more feminine-type clothes?”

I gulp and say, “Do I have to?”

“No, but you might want something to try. I also feel you should think about a swimsuit: it can be a one-piece. You’re going to need something and even just using our pool, you can’t go topless, not anymore that is.”

“Oh, um, yeah. Um, could we put this off for now? I think I need to prepare myself a bit more, first.”

“Sure, honey, there’s no rush.”

We pay for our stuff and then go back out to the car to head home.

“Mom, can I ask you something?”

“Sure you can, anything at all.”

“Well, when you look at me, do you see a boy or a girl?”

“I see my child whom I love more than life itself.”

“I know that, Mom, really, but when you look at me, aside from being your child, what do you see? Do you see a boy or a girl?”

“Honey, you’re kind of putting me in a tough spot here. I don’t want to influence you and I’m afraid that this might.”

“No, I don’t think so. You and the doctors are right. I’m the only one who can decide what I really am, but at the same time I need to know how you see me. I need to try to figure out how I present myself and maybe that can help me figure this all out. Does that make sense?”

“Yes, yes it does. Well, you’ve always been a beautiful child. I’ve got to admit that between the four of you kids, as a baby you were the most beautiful. Now don’t you dare tell the others I said that. As you were growing up you did tend to be, oh how do I say this, well gentler, more like a little girl really than a boy. Certainly if you compare yourself to your brothers.

“There was also that time when you were dressing in your sister’s old dresses. You looked so sweet and there wasn’t anything to tell you apart from any other girl. Your father and I just thought that it was a phase that you were going through when we caught you.

“I guess if I’m being honest here, I’d have to admit that it is easier to think of you as a girl and not a boy, but either way, you’re my baby and I’ll always love you, sweetheart.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“You’re welcome, honey. One other thing and take it for what it’s worth, the times you were dressing as a girl when you were little, and the times you spent with Robbyn, well, you seemed a lot happier, more at peace with yourself, if you know what I mean.”

“Really?”

“It seemed so–to me at least.”

* * *

Mom and I get home and I take my shopping bags up to my room. I figure I might as well try on one of the new bras I got. Oh man, I can’t believe I’m doing this. Me, a girl? I guess all of those times people mistook me for a girl, well, I guess they were right and I was wrong.

I am so glad I’m going in to see Amanda again tomorrow. She really does seem to understand a lot of what I’m going through.

I get up to my room and dump the bags on the bed. Well, it looks like Mom got me a bit more than the bras. Along with the bras were some matching panties. Oh wonderful. Does she really want me as a girl?

I’m just sitting there looking at those panties and finally say to myself, ‘screw it’ and I take my pants off and underwear and pull on one of the new pairs of girl panties. Hey! Well what do you know? These actually fit me better than the boy ones do. I bet Mom thought they would too. The fabric feels better as well.

Shaking my head to myself, I slip my pants back on then grab a bra to match the panties: powder blue cotton. Okay, let’s see if we can get this puppy on.

As I slip it on, I hear a knock on my door.

“Who is it?”

“Ellen. May I come in?”

“Sure.”

“Hey there. Oh, I see you’re moving up in the world: from sport bras to real girl ones.”

“Ha ha. Save the smart remarks and help me here. I don’t think this one fits right but the one I tried on at the store did.”

“That’s what these adjustment straps are for. Let me help you.

“Okay, adjust these and this one until the fit feels good. Better?”

“Much, thanks. Um, Ellen, ah don’t they look rather big to you? It seems to me that I’m huge.”

“Oh you’re not too bad. First of all a lot depends on your overall body shape. A ‘D’ cup on one person could look smaller than a ‘C’ cup on another just by how they are built.

“You have a rather slender frame so you do look a bit bustier, also these bras that Mom got you have a bit of padding to them and that will make you look bigger.”

“Why would Mom want me to look bigger?”

“Hey, take it easy, let’s take a look at you. Hmmm, well it looks to me that you’re in the awkward stage between cup sizes. By going with a larger but padded cup, Mom got you the best fit.

“I can tell you from experience that you don’t want to go with a bra that’s too small for you and one that is too big will gap and look and feel weird, so this was the best solution.”

“Oh, I see. I’ve been kind of jumping the gun on why people are acting or doing something a particular way. That’s the second time in the past few minutes that I thought Mom did something because she’d rather have another girl rather than just because she wanted to help me.

“Oh, Ellen,” and I just start to cry.

“Hey there, what’s this all about?”

“Oh I don’t know. I’m just so confused and it seems that I start crying at the drop of a hat. I just don’t know what to do any more.”

“Well that’s understandable. Things have been coming at you pretty fast and strong for a while now. I’d be surprised if you weren’t feeling overwhelmed at times. The important thing is to realize what is happening and to talk with someone, not leave things bottled up inside. Okay?”

“Yeah. You’re right.”

“Of course I am, I’m always right.”

My pillow caught her right in the face.

After a bit of a laugh, Ellen asks, “So, what was the other thing you misunderstood about Mom’s motives?”

“Wha... Oh, she got me matching panties too. They do fit a lot better but when I saw them I couldn’t help but think that she’d rather me be a girl. Stupid, I know.”

“Well don’t let it worry you. Finish getting dressed and you can make it up to her by helping get dinner ready.”

“Okay, that’s not a bad...hey, it’s your turn to help tonight!”

I go for my pillow again and Ellen takes off, laughing as she goes.

I finish dressing and go downstairs to the kitchen. Ellen is peeling potatoes and Mom is cleaning green beans. I go up behind Mom and put my arms around her and give her a hug.

“I love you, Mom.”

“Well, that was nice. I love you too, sweetheart. Want to help?”

“Sure, what do you want me to do?”

“Finish with the green beans while I check on the chicken.”

So, I finish up with the green beans and go to set the table. With that done, I step outside and sit next to the pool. I’m just sitting there staring out into space when Mom comes out.

“Hey there. Thanks for the help. The boys should be home any minute and dinner will be ready in about forty-five minutes. Care for some company?”

“Sure. Mom? I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting lately. I really don’t mean to take things out on you guys.”

“That’s okay, honey. You really haven’t been bad and we all understand.”

“Well, I’ll try to be better. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for the, um, the underwear. It, ah, fits a lot better. Thanks.”

“No problem, honey. We can go and get you some more later if you want.”

“Oh, yeah. Um, that’ll be good. I probably should get used to it. Anyway, I was sitting here thinking that maybe we could get something for me to swim in. I mean, I really would like to make use of this pool and I suppose I can’t skinny dip. Maybe this weekend?”

“Sure, honey. You want me to go with you?”

“Oh god yes. There’s no way I can do this on my own.”

Chuckling, Mom says, “Well, I think you could probably convince your sister to go with you if you didn’t want me to go.”

“Oh. Yeah. Well maybe we could all go?”

“Up to you, honey. I certainly don’t mind.”

At this point, the twins come crashing in the house and Dad, looking a bit wild-eyed, follows.

I’ll never understand those two. They only seem to have two speeds, the first is when they sleep and the second seems to be just short of the speed of light.

They are currently in seventh heaven. Mom and Dad decided that they could take martial arts so they started jujitsu. Mom and Dad were hoping that it would work off some of their energy. I wouldn’t place any bets on that.

All three head out to the patio where Mom and I are. The twins are both talking a mile a minute, excitedly telling us about their latest lesson.

Dad collapses dramatically in the other chair. I giggle at him and Mom just rolls her eyes.

Ellen comes out with a glass of wine for Mom and a gin and tonic for Dad.

Mom tells the twins to run and get cleaned up for dinner. Dad makes the sign of the cross at Ellen and says, “Bless you, child.” Ellen and I laugh.

Dinner is good as always. Right after dinner, when we we’re clearing our dishes, the twins start one of their whipsaw conversations. This is when they start and finish each other’s sentences. It can get kinda creepy sometimes, but then that’s the twins.

“Alex...”

“...we were talking...”

“...and we wanted you to know...”

“...that if you wanted to...”

“...be a girl...”

“...that’s okay...”

“...with us, ’cause...”

“...no matter what...”

“...we still think...”

“...you’re all right and all...”

“...and this way...”

“...Mom and Dad...”

“...would have...”

“...two sons and...”

“...two daughters...”

“...and that would...”

“...be cool.”

My brothers can be little creeps sometimes, but it’s times like this that they make up for it. I tell them, “Thanks,” and give them a hug. Dad looks proud and Mom’s eyes are watery. I have to admit that I am a bit misty-eyed myself.

* * *

Journal Entry: April 17^th

It’s been quite awhile since I wrote in here. Things got a bit out of hand there for some time but they’re beginning to get straightened out now. It won’t be easy or quick, but it will happen.

You see, I did something really stupid: I tried to kill myself. What’s even crazier is I don’t remember doing it.

See I had just learned what was happening to me from the doctor and I guess my brain just couldn’t cope with it. For a while I turned into this zombie type. I just stayed in bed in this black mood. Ellen finally snapped me out of it and it took a bucket of water to do it too.

Anyway, while I was in the shower, I slit my wrist and I almost died because of it. That’s not the worst part. The worst part is what it did to my family. This whole thing really hurt them, it hurt them a lot.

The doctor has me taking some meds to help me and we’ll gradually reduce them, but I don’t think I need the meds. You see, I don’t think I could ever put my family thru that again. I realize that no matter what, they are going to be there for me, that they love me. I also realize that nothing is so bad that you can’t work your way thru it. It might not seem like it at the time, but it’s true.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell my family that I’m sorry that I put them thru all of this. I figure that the best way is to get better and make sure that it never happens again.

The doctor who is helping me sort thru all of this is called Amanda and I really like her.

I don’t know if I’m ready to get into the detail of what we talked about here but she gave me some things to think about and I’ll be going to see her in two days and then weekly for awhile.

When I return from my next appointment, I hope we can discuss this whole intersexed thing I have. From what we talked about today, I’m going to have to make a decision at some point as to what gender I want to be.

Since I’m really trying to cut back on my whining, I’ll only state here, ‘why me?’ and spare my family. This whole thing sucks big time. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to choose? What if I make a mistake? Hell, I don’t know what I want for lunch, now I have to choose my gender? Crap.

End Journal Entry

Photo Credit: Ray Philson