Totally Insane 34 - Protestations

Printer-friendly version


Totally Insane 34–Protestations.

by Angharad

Nina_Dolls_Shoes_0_0.jpg

Happy Birthday Trish, have a lovely day, sweetheart.

I began to get into some sort of routine. I’d be sick or feel I was going to be, get dressed, do my makeup–such as it was, a bit of eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss. I wanted to do my nails, but apparently they won’t let you use anything but clear nail polish. So that’s all I did.

School was pretty much the same as it had been with the boys, except I felt less threatened by the girls–until the Friday of the first week. We were told it was sports day on Tuesday and we each had to be down for at least two events, preferably one field and one track.

I wondered if I could get an exemption. I went to speak to Mrs Martin the school secretary about it because she knew of my situation–I think.

“Why can’t you enter the sports day?” she asked at my protestations.

“I have a slight problem, if you remember.”

“Is it a medical condition, like diabetes or sickle cell anaemia?”

I didn’t know mobile phones could get anaemia, unless that means a lack of a signal–I mean, like what’s anaemia any way?

“I see a doctor for it, I thought you knew about my little problem.”

“It doesn’t say anything about a medical condition here,” she said looking at my notes on the computer.

“Are you sure?” I asked seeking confirmation.

“No, see for yourself.”

I stepped round behind her and looked at the screen, it didn’t say anything about me being a b–it different. It had me down as female and gave my address, my educational level–hey that was pretty good, but nothing about my plumbing.

“I guess I’ll have to do something then.”

“I’ll speak with the headmistress on Monday morning, but usually it gives any medical conditions, like asthma, here. Are you taking any medication?”

I decided that I’d pass on that one, if she knew I was on the pill, she’d think I was a floozie, and despite all Brian’s insinuations, I’m not. He however, remains a penis capitis.

I walked home wondering what I should do, I suppose I could get Mummy to write me a letter to exempt me on medical grounds, though I’m hardly Caster Semanya and going to blitz everyone in the 800 metres. Mind you if Brian was chasing me, I’d probably run pretty quickly.

I got in and decided to make myself a cuppa before I did anything else–no, I’d go and change. I chucked my blouse in the washing machine and ran upstairs in my bra and skirt. I pulled on a tee shirt and some jeans then went down and made some tea. I had homework to do, but I had a weekend to do it in and it wasn’t especially arduous. I looked in the fridge to see what was for dinner and began to do the vegetables to save Mummy some time.
Brian came in and grunted at me; I sighed.

“What’s the prob, sis?”

I nearly fell over, and he hadn’t tried to borrow any money yet. “I’ve got to take part in the sports day–I’ve like gotta do at least one track and one field event.”

“Well you should do alright, you have a natural advantage.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, you used to be a boy, so you should have bigger muscles.”

“They’re all bigger than me.” I pouted.

“Go for the shot and either a long distance race or a sprint–yeah, go for the sprint.”

“Why?”

“Because I think you’ll be able to win it.”

“I don’t want to win it, I don’t want to take part.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t like sport except badminton, and perhaps riding my bike, but it’s hardly Tour de France is it?”

“Wossisname Cavendish isn’t very big and he’s the fastest thing on two wheels, well on a bike.”

“Whoopee doo, so how’s that gonna like help me?”

“I’ll show you how to put the shot.”

“Put it where?”

“That’s what they call it.”

“Call what?”

“The shot, it’s like a cannonball and you try and throw it as far as you can.”

“Why?”

“To show you’re stronger than someone else,” he looked at me in disbelief.

“But I don’t want to show I’m stronger than someone else, do I? I just wanna sit and like do my girly sewing not run about getting all sweaty and stuff.”

“Can’t ‘elp you there,” he grabbed a cola from the fridge and turned to go upstairs–

“Wossfor tea?” he asked from the doorway.

“Pork chops, why?”

“Can you make that sauce stuff you did last time?”

“The apple sauce?”

“Yeah, it was good.”

I looked at the empty doorway, I must be dreaming except there was a Tarzan cry from upstairs, followed by another. The chief monkey was obviously at home and defending his territory. Him Cheetah, me Jane.

I put the chops on the baking tray and popped them in the oven. I set the timer for three-quarters of an hour and sat at the table and got my books out. Mummy came in just as I was finishing my algebra.

“Pop the kettle on, sweetie,” she said, then ran up to shower. I made her a mug of tea and took it up to the bedroom, she was just pulling on her clothes. “Oh thanks, Kylie–I have a mountain of marking to do, I lost my free time this afternoon when Bernie Jenkins went off sick–mind you she looked awful–she’s pregnant again and she had pre-eclampsia last time.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh it happens later in pregnancy, they get swelling and high blood pressure and so on, it can get really serious and threaten the baby and even the mother, so we sent her home to rest.”

“Oh, poor Ms Jenkins,” I offered.

“Yes, she had a rough time before. Aren’t you glad you won’t ever suffer that?”

“Maybe, I’d rather be a real girl than a pretend one.”

“Oh, darling, I didn’t mean it like that.” She hugged me and I managed to keep the tears at bay. “You are a real girl.”

“Am I? Real girls can have babies.”

“Not all of them, the female reproductive system is quite complex and loads of things can go wrong.”

“Yeah, not as wrong as mine did–it grew a willie.”

“I’m sorry, Kylie, but you just have to cope with it–let’s face it, you’ve done really well so far–everyone sees you as a girl and accepts you as such; you’re taking the pills earlier than you should–so you’ll have a female body shape, what more do you want?”

I pulled away from her, “How about a fanny, periods and babies of my own.” With that I walked out of her room and shut the door loudly, I also slammed the door of my bedroom.

I don’t know how long I sat on the edge of my bed, but I wondered how much longer I could keep up this pretence. I couldn’t go back to being a boy; that was a fate worse than being a girl. I didn’t think I could cope with only being part girl–so I would have to end it.

There was a knock on my door, and Brian entered, “Hey, sis, wossamatter?” I didn’t even look at him. “That apple stuff was really good–look, if you’re not gonna eat your dinner, can I have it?” I nodded my response although in the dark he wouldn’t see my tears. “Thanks, sis.” Having achieved what he wanted, he left happy as a pig in sh– If that’s what being a boy was all about, count me out.

I wondered how long it would take me to die if I stopped eating, probably too long and I think I read somewhere that it hurts a lot and you go blind an’ things. I wanted something quicker.

In the distance the phone rang, it was nine o’clock, probably for my gut-bucket brother. I drifted in my mind, if I died this weekend, I wouldn’t have to do sports day and I wondered if Daddy would be able to get a refund on some of my uniform.

“Kylie,” called my mother, “Emma is on the phone for you?”

I ignored it.

A few moments later, she burst into my bedroom. “KYLIE,” she shouted and I jumped off the bed. “I called you, get yourself over to Emma’s house, she needs you to babysit while she goes to the hospital, Kit has had an accident. So stop moping about and get over there.”

It took a moment for the news to penetrate, “Uncle Kit’s had an accident?”

“Yes, now get over there so Emma can go to the hospital.”

“Why does she want me?”

“Because you’re her baby-sitter, now stop this nonsense and get your pretty little bum over there.”

I wiped my face and grabbed my bag and ran over to our neighbour’s house.

“Thanks, Kylie, the silly fool fell off a ladder at work–are you all right?”

“Yeah,” I lied, “the pills sometimes make me sick.”

“Morning sickness? It’s quarter past nine in the evening.”

“Yeah, I forgot to take it this morning, so had it later.”

“Oh, okay. You going to be alright with Sarah?”

“Yes I’ll be fine–you go and see Uncle Kit.

“Are you sure? Rose said you had the miseries.”

“I’m alright, now go and see Uncle Kit and give him a kiss for me.”

“Are you trying to seduce my husband, Kylie Mosse?” There was a twinkle in her eye.

“Meee? I don’t even know what it means, isn’t it what Sherlock Holmes did?”

She looked strangely at me for a moment, “I thought that was, deduce. Seduce is what you’d like to do with Philip.”

“Oh, I thought that was sex?” I was speaking without much thought.

“Yes it is, but with a bit more finesse than you seem to appreciate.” She walked over to me, “You can tell me what’s wrong when I get back–if you want to, that is?”

I nodded and sniffed back a tear. Auntie Em rushed off and I heard the car drive down the road. It was very quiet, and I went to see where Sarah was. I stopped, why did I call her that? Usually I call her baby Sarah?

I climbed up the stairs and checked her, she was fast asleep in her cot. I’d missed doing my motherhood by proxy thing this week, I’d also missed her lovely mother who’d taught me so much about being a girl and all sorts of useful things about the house.

Did I really want to die? I looked at the innocence, sleeping possibly dreaming about her future, whereas I didn’t seem to have one. I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing my favourite baby, so maybe I wouldn’t die just yet. I wondered if it was possible for a boy to grow boobs which could lactate, watching Auntie Em feed her baby was pure magic and I was so envious of that. I wanted to try and do that when I was bit older, because that could make me feel like a woman, a proper one.

I sat on the floor by the side of the cot and watched my proxy baby, she was so beautiful whereas I felt so ugly by comparison. The light in the room was dim and I could just make out her breathing, light and rhythmical. I sat with my head leaning on my knees and sobbed silently before drifting off to sleep.

The first I knew of Auntie Em’s return was her calling me from downstairs, I was still very muzzy and it took a moment to register where I was and why. I stood up and staggered to the doorway.

“Oh, there you are, I was beginning to feel a bit worried.”

I yawned, “Sorry, Auntie Em, I must have nodded off, last I remember was watching Sarah.”

“Your eyes are all red, what’s happened?”

“Nothin’ really–I just feel very down.”

“C’mon, let’s have a cuppa and a chat.” She checked the baby quickly and then we went down to the kitchen where she put the kettle on. “Biccie?” she asked me and I nodded, I didn’t really want one but I hadn’t had any dinner and my tummy felt peckish.

“How’s Uncle Kit?”

“I think he’ll be okay, he’s hurt his leg and they’re not sure if he’s broken it or not, so they’re going to keep him in until he sees the consultant tomorrow.”

“Poor Uncle Kit.”

“Silly old fool, what on earth was he doing up a ladder–he’s supposed to be an auditor.”

“Um–counting the rungs?”

She looked at me, then snorted, “Yes, probably,” then she laughed. “Now, missy, what’s the matter with you?”

“Nothin’ really.”

“So why the long face?”

I shrugged and felt a tear form, moments later she was cuddling me as I wept. “Now then, what’s the problem–this isn’t like you?”

“I feel a failure.”

“A failure, Kylie, you’re twelve years old how can you be a failure?”

“I failed at being a boy, now I’m a failure as a girl.” I sobbed on her shoulder.

“Who said you were a failure?”

“Me–I did. We have to do something on sports day–I don’t want to.”

“Get Rose to write you a note. Have you told her about it?”

“No, she was telling me they’d had to send some lady home from school because she’s pregnant and she had three lamps or something.”

“Three lamps. You don’t mean, pre-eclampsia, do you?”

“Could be; I just felt inadequate–I can’t get pregnant and never will. I’m a failure.”

“So you measure being a successful female as having babies do you?”

I nodded.

“And all those women who chose not to have any, perhaps or were too busy or couldn’t have any–are they failures as well? Is Florence Nightingale a failure as a woman–because she didn’t have any children?”

“Um–I s’pose not, she did lots of work with nursing, didn’t she?”

“She totally revolutionised it and the way field hospitals worked in the army. She was a proto-feminist, showing that women could be important in areas in which they’d been previously excluded and she had enormous influence politically as well, especially during her heyday.”

“I don’t think I will.”

“Kylie, how can you possibly know what you’re going to achieve in life–you might do great things upon a very public stage or you might settle down with one person and be very happy.”

“But I wouldn’t be able to have his babies, would I?”

“Why are you so fixated on one aspect of life, is it simply because you can’t do or have something?”

“I don’t understand, Auntie Emma.”

“Let’s take it as read that you can’t biologically conceive as a mother.”

“Yeah,” I hung my head.

“So because you can’t do this one thing, you’re going to let it become the bane of your life, make the rest of it a whole and total failure, or waste of time? That’s like going on a wonderful holiday and having the most perfect time, and suddenly on the last day it rained and you got wet and it spoiled your whole view of the holiday. Is that right?”

“No, Auntie Emma, that wouldn’t spoil my holiday.”

“I won’t pretend that any woman who was told she couldn’t have babies of her own wouldn’t be upset, but don’t let it spoil the rest of your life–life is more than doing one thing. Not having your own doesn’t stop you from looking after other people’s; becoming an obstetrician or a midwife, or a teacher. All these people are important for the welfare of babies and children. Do you see what I mean?”

“I think so, Auntie Emma.”

“You’re a lovely girl, don’t let a mistake of nature stop you from reaching your full potential and enjoying your life, there’s much more to it than simply having babies you know. Now get off home before your mother phones to see if you’ve moved in here.” She hugged me and I went back home feeling still confused but she seemed to know what she was talking about.

“You’ve been a long time,” said Daddy as I went in.

“I was talking to Auntie Em.”

“Feel better now?” he asked.

“I think so.”

He put his arm round me and pulled me close to him–“That was a lovely meal you made us, how come you didn’t have any?”

“Um, it was the only way I could avoid the poison,” I joked.

“And make sure Brian got a double dose–eh?”

“Where’s Mummy?”

“She was absolutely shattered, so I sent her on up to bed. I said I’d wait up for you.”

“Oh, thanks, Daddy, I’ll be off then...” I kissed him and went to walk to the stairs.

“I thought we could have a little father daughter time.”

Oh poo, not now, Daddy–“Um it’s a bit late, Daddy.”

“I’m well aware of the time, young lady, now sit down and tell me what’s upset you and why you gave your mother a load of lip?”

“I–I–um didn’t mean to, she was on about this woman at work who’s having a baby and it just got to me, ‘cos I can’t have any, and they’re gonna make me like take part in sports day at school, an’ I’m a failure an’...”I burst into tears.

“Hang on, let’s look at these one at a time shall we?”

Daddy reassured me, saying much of the same sort of things Auntie Em said, he also hugged me and told me he thought I was actually making a much better job of being a girl than he thought I would. I wasn’t sure if that wasn’t one of those back handed compliments, Mummy goes on about.

I went to bed feeling confused about the future–I think I still wanted to be a girl, no, I needed to be a girl–oh poo, I am a girl, it’s only my plumbing that says different. I still have to do the sports day, he told me that running away from things didn’t make them go away, so I had to confront my fears. ’Cept he’s not the one hiding a willie in his knickers–um–yeah okay, he is but he’s not hiding it and he doesn’t wear knick–oh you know what I mean.

The best bit of our chat, apart from him finding my joke about poisoning Brian quite funny, was that he told me several times that both he and Mummy loved me very much and that they would always be there for me. I went to bed with a warm feeling inside me and some runny eyes.

lock_0.png

Thanks to Gabi for corrections, any complaints see >^^<

up
196 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

I take it

Angharad's picture

that none of the 123 readers so far, considered it worthy of comment.

Angharad

Angharad

I saw the story, and the

I saw the story, and the number 34 after it, then looked at Bike, and back at this one, and I chickened out :)

I did enjoy the story as a vignette, but I just can't find the time to go back and start at chapter 1.

I'm probably one of the guilty 123

I'm probably one of the guilty 123. I opened it, went off and read Bike and did some other things, then came back to this tab.
It's a great episode in a great serial. Like others, I'd love to see them come more frequently. But with Bike, and a life to be lived, I don't know how you get it all done.
Thanks again, Ang, and give Bonzi a scratch behind the ears from me!

Kris

Kris

{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}

It's Getting Harder To

Make any comments lately. Dont know if it ia only my computer ot more generally, but every time I change from one place to another on BCTS, it makes me have to log in again. Sometimes I write what I think is a really nice, encouraging comment, just to see it vansu when I try to re-log it in. Grrrr.

OK, this new chapter - well it was nice, but it is soooo looong ago I will have to try and go back and find the story again. Plse dont put off new bits that long again, please?

Briar

Briar

I saw your story.

I remember enough to know that I liked it a lot. I am trying to pack and move 2500 miles, and it was too much for me to think about how I am gonna have to go clear back to the beginning and start over so I can understand it.

So now, I have to decide if in the next 6 days I have enough time to read it all between bouts of packing and trashing and cleaning and wondering if I am crazy for moving and if I will ever get the chance to move the other 3743 miles that I have always wanted to, and if they will be nice to a foolish old woman who is infatuated with her heritage and old blighty, or will they say, begone foolish pretender, we are going to the chippy to have some chips and eye of the dog, and don't have time for you.

Please be patient with me.

Gwen

Mea Culpa or something

littlerocksilver's picture

I started reading this a long time ago, and then it disappeared for a while. Since I have CRS, I've forgotten the story and the issues. Today's chapter was interesting. Now I am going to have to go back and find out WTF's been going on. As far as no comments from the first 123 readers, that's nothing. One of my stories (actually chapters of a story - just like this I guess) has had more than 600 readers without a comment. I guess I should be thankful that that many at least opened it up.

Portia

PS. Went back and checked. It was 630 and 691. The story Who is Sylvia of course barely touches on TG, although Musetta makes a brief appearance or two.

Portia

Hey

I actually liked seeing another posting of this story up. I'm also a fan of Bike and SNAFU as well. I'd like to see something for Charlotte's story too I don't think that's come to a finish did it? Anyway, nice to see something different out of the bike basket.

Bailey Summers

I wonder...

...if there's an opportunity for Kylie on Sports Day that doesn't involve competing. Schools I've worked in, we used to get the non-competitors to perform all the slave-type service roles, recording results and generally helping with starting, measuring etc. etc.

Oh yeah, something involving locks might be quite good too!

I've only just happened upon this installment, otherwise I would have commented sooner. Mind you, something I posted the other day currently has 629 reads and zero comments. C'est la vie, n'est pas?

The lady doth protest too much, methinks. (Thanks Bill!)

Passive Support

Bike Archive Bike Map

I have no idea if it's an option at her school,

but a number of the young ladies that take fencing lessons from me started because they didn't like or weren't good at the more traditional sports. (A few of them have found their niche and have become serious competitors on the fencing strip...)

Janice

Reader Number 239 Reporting For Duty, Ma'am!

joannebarbarella's picture

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Angharad. There are already several comments.

Actually I have this shameful little secret. Don't tell anybody but I like this story much better than EAFOAB, and it's always far too long between episodes because you keep on concentrating on the daily dose.

Poor Kylie is caught between adolescent angst and hormonal hubbub, but I'm sure you'll get her through it with a few spoonerisms and word mangles. Please just don't make us wait so long to find out,

Joanne

I am probably one of the 123

I too found this chapter posted today, but having opened it decided I had to read EAFOAB first as I was up to date on the plot. Of course since I opened it once and then came back. The reader numbers are now screwed up, because I will have been counted at least twice as I am sure many others are for the same reason.
I very much appreciate your skill as a "word smith" something I am unable to do myself, and do not comment at every episode, that is not to say that they are not appreciated.
I read all your stories, but sometimes I have to go back and do some revision, before starting in on a new chapter as I have forgotten what went on before.
I wish they would reinstall the voting button, that would allow us to show our appreciation easily.
Please keep up the good work, you really are an excelent author.
poppykin.

Serious Pork Chops

terrynaut's picture

There's some serious meat in this story, more serious than the pork chops. I love the lesson here.

I don't read Bike but I've read every chapter of this story, and I think I've commented on every one of them.

Kylie must be really messed up if Brian's relatively nice behavior couldn't snap her out of her funk. Poor kid.

Thanks for another grand, if serious, chapter.

- Terry

Thank You

A new episode is always great.

Definitely worthy

I only just read it, and as always, enjoyed it. Thank you for another chapter in Kylie's saga.

I have to say that while I enjoy both, I do prefer this one to EAFOAB, mostly because I have a big soft spot for trans kids. Or just plain kids, for that matter.

Here's to the future episode 1000 of Totally Insane!

Angharad?... Angharad?... Does anyone have smelling salts?

Totally Insane 34 - Protestations

Hopefully, Kylie's family can help her to overcome her angst. Me, I'd love to see Brian show that he likes his sister and stops being a pain.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

There's much that I like on BCTS

If I read and commented on everything, I'd starve and live in a dump (whadayamean, yeah?).

I forgot where we were on this and just read and enjoyed this episode, then it was time for bed.

Sorry, I did comment on 'Bike'; can't do it all.

Susie

Well I ran out of Tissue

Then it took me a while to get to where I could see straight. I love this story as much as I love EAFOAB.

Lets just see it as people are getting their act together for this was so beautiful, yet invoked a lot of tears

6 out of 5 boxes of tissue(I am out is the bad thing) and 6 gold stars (and thats supposed to be out of 5 as well)DesHS.jpg

Goddess Bless you

Love Desiree

Goddess Bless you

Love Desiree

Please Ma’am

…may we have some more? It’s been a long time for poor Kylie to feel down.

This is NOT good

Jamie Lee's picture

Someone better suss the problem with Kylie before she gets any more stupid ideas in her head. She needs to be seeing Andrwa daily for several weeks, so Andrea can straighten out the stupid ideas Kylie has somehow managed to obtained.

She can't have children, okay, that's a given. But that doesn't make her a failure or mean the end of her life, which she stupidly thought about taking.

Right now, Kylie is self centered, thinking of no one but herself. Yes she prepares meals and helps Em with Sarah, but she so focused on herself she can't see the affect her taking her life would have on her family and friends. She really needs Andeea's help, sooner rather than when it could be too late.

Others have feelings too.