A Summer of Changes
by Louise Anne Smithson

Book 5 Chapter 2

A confession

Neither of the two friends spoke very much in the taxi going home from Jane’s dinner-party; they were both reflecting on the events of that evening. Once they arrived at their flat Samantha paid off the taxi and they went in together.

‘Are you sure that you are feeling alright Denise?’ Samantha asked as they took off their coats.

‘Yes I am fine now thanks, it was just a passing feeling of light-headedness.’

Samantha put down her case, and went to the kitchen where she poured herself a glass of water, and offered one to Denise, who declined.

‘You really need to find out what is causing these fainting fits. It is no longer fashionable for young ladies to be swooning around everywhere you know.’

‘I think I already know what is causing them; they are the side-effect of some tablets that I have been taking, but I promised my sister this morning that I will stop taking any more until after I have consulted a doctor about the problem.’

‘What sort of tablets?’

Denise looked at little embarrassed.

‘Just some tablets that I bought to try and stop my body from making any more testosterone and turning me into a man. I suppose I will have to wait now until I can take them under medical supervision,’ she said wearily

‘Denise, you need to be careful and take things a bit more slowly.’

‘I know, but I could not bear the idea of going back to being a man.’

‘Look, I am not trying to be funny, but I am not sure that you ever were one in the first place.’

‘Oh Samantha, if only that were true,’ she replied longingly. ‘I feel like a woman, and maybe I look like one on the outside, but I know that underneath everything I still have a man’s body — albeit one that is not very well developed. I am very worried that something may happen one day to kick-start changes to make me more manly looking.’

‘Won’t the female hormones put a stop to any danger of that?’

‘Yes, they will eventually, but I don’t even know when my therapist plans to refer me for hormone treatment. He does not seem to share the same sense of urgency as I do.’

‘But you have only seen him a few times. I am sure that he recognises your worries but will want to be sure that you are mature enough to understand the implications of what you are doing, before you do anything irrevocable. I would advise you to be guided by him, and for heaven’s sake, please don’t start experimenting with self-medication.’

‘I know, perhaps I have been foolish, but I also wanted to see what it was like to feel like a real woman and to have a boyfriend.’

Samantha sighed.

‘I think that perhaps I was at fault there by making it so easy for you to go away with John for a weekend, as I did. I should have let you take one step at a time as a girl and not encouraged you to try and run before you have learned to walk properly.’

‘So do you now think my friendship with John is not such a good idea?’ asked Denise.

Samantha thought for a moment.

‘I don’t know whether or not it is a good idea. He is a really nice straightforward guy, but I do think he should have stood up for you better this evening.’

‘I suppose he was just as surprised by that outburst as everyone else.’

‘Perhaps, but if you had been my girlfriend, I would have punched that idiot in the face, even though he was bigger than me.’

Denise smiled and shook her head.

‘No, I wouldn’t have wanted to see any violence, particularly in your sister’s home, but perhaps he might have been a little more sympathetic and supportive of me afterwards,’ she said. ‘He just seemed so embarrassed by the whole affair.’

Samantha did not respond, so Denise continued after a moment.

‘By all accounts you did not do badly in standing up for me yourself, although at the time I was not fully aware of what was going on. Thank you, I do appreciate it,’ she said, taking her friend’s hands, and then, on impulse, kissing her on the cheek.

Samantha pulled away and looked ashamed of herself.

‘Denise, don’t do this to me, I can’t bear it,’ she said, beginning to tremble.

‘Oh! Sorry!’ said Denise puzzled.

Samantha did not answer immediately, but then began to cry.

‘Don’t you realise that I love you, and have always done so ever since we met?’ she said, with tears now streaming down her face.

‘I don’t understand what you mean! I would have done anything to continue to see you, but you refused to see me after Jane’s wedding.’

‘No silly, I only refused to meet with or have anything to do with Denis, because it was Denise that I fallen in love with. I always tried to make it clear that I really wanted to see you as Denise.’

‘But afterwards you went to great trouble to fix me up with a date with your cousin.’

‘I know, and it was a crazy idea that I now regret. At the time I thought that if you were going out with John then we would be able to continue to live together as girlfriends once the summer was over, and then I could admire you from afar. I did not realise that I would quickly become jealous of him.’

‘But you and your sister helped to turn me into a girl.’

‘I wasn’t involved at the beginning. But, if I did encourage you, it was only because that was what you appeared to want.’

Denise thought back to the time that they had first stayed together and how much she had enjoyed herself in the days leading up to the wedding.

‘Maybe so, but you cannot now expect me to revert being Denis again.’

Samantha now held her friend by the shoulders to steady her own trembling.

‘Of course I don’t want you to revert to being Denis. Don’t you understand that it is Denise that I love. My beautiful friend Denise, who is only just discovering her femininity.’

‘But I still don’t understand. Why should you feel for me like that when you are so lovely and feminine yourself? Just look at yourself in that mirror.’

Samantha was still wearing her long dress from the dinner and had her hair up. Her eye makeup was now a little smudged from her tears, but there was no doubt that she was a beauty.

‘I hate the way I look, because it sends misleading signals to other people,’ she responded. ‘I spent the whole of my first year at university avoiding the unwanted attentions of the guys in my class whilst, at the same time making myself unpopular with many of the girls who were envious of me. I was really lonely the whole time. That is until I met you.’

‘But I thought you had friends at university?’

‘They are not really friends; the girls only accepted my company as I seemed to attract plenty of guys to their table, but I have always felt myself to be an outsider.’

‘If you hate being a girl, why ever did you agree to work as a model for the summer?’

‘I needed a job but mainly because it was an opportunity to work with you. In any event, I don’t hate being a girl, it is just that I am just not sexually attracted to men.’

‘Oh!’ said Denise, not knowing what else to say.

‘Now I have told you, and you will hate me as well, just like all the other girls,’ she said with tears again running down her cheeks.

Denise hugged her and held her closely to herself.

‘Samantha, how could I hate you? These last two months that I have spent living and working with you have been the happiest time of my life. You will always be my friend, but you must understand that I am in a state of utter confusion over my sexuality. I rushed headlong into a sexual relationship with John without giving sufficient thought to the implications for us both. I think I now need a period of abstinence and reflection whilst I get my gender identity sorted out.’

‘As long as you don’t now go and start looking for somewhere else to live.’

‘No, I love living here with you and learning how to be a girl,’ she said and gave her friend another chaste kiss on the cheek. ‘Now I think I would like to go to bed, as it has been a long stressful day and there is a lot I need to think about. We’ll talk again in the morning.’

‘Alright then! Good night Denise’, said Samantha wiping her eyes.

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Denise quickly got herself undressed and cleaned off her makeup. She put on a pair of pink satin pyjamas given her by Angela back in June, and lay on her bed with her eyes open. She was tired, but her mind was in turmoil. So much had happened since her friend had left for Singapore, and there were so many conflicting emotions. She had never before had so many friends that she cared about and who appeared to care about her, and yet life had suddenly become so complicated. It was not just her own emotions, but she also seemed to having an effect on those around her. It was several hours later before she eventually went to sleep.

---

Denise eventually came into the kitchen after midday on Sunday. Samantha was already there, sipping coffee. She did not look her best; she was still wearing a dressing gown, her hair was somewhat dishevelled and she had puffy eyes. Denise guessed that she probably looked not much better herself.

‘Hi Denise, did you have trouble sleeping?’

Denise nodded.

‘Me too!’

‘I’d guessed as much.’

Denise poured herself a cup of coffee and put on some toast.

‘I am sorry, I had no right to burden you with my problems last night, you have enough on your plate as it is,’ said Samantha.

Denise offered her a wry smile.

‘That’s what friends are for.’

‘Maybe, but last night I went too far and involved you in my emotional problems.’

‘Samantha, believe me, I value and want to retain your friendship. If that involves sharing your emotional problems then we will deal with it together.’

‘Thank you. I too would like to remain friends with you, if that is all we can be. However, the time has come for a lot more honesty in my life - about whom and what I am. I can’t keep pretending to be someone I am not.’

‘I know the feeling’, answered Denise.

‘I have often wanted to explain to Dad, but I did not want him to be a disappointed in me, especially when Mum was so ill and after she died. Now that Jane is married and he will soon be a grandfather, I think he should be strong enough to learn the truth about his younger daughter.’

‘Does Jane know?’ asked Denise.

‘I have never spelled it out to her but I suspect she does probably suspect as much — it is not the sort of thing you can hide from your sister for very long. We do all these girly things together, but I think she realises that I am not happy with my life as it is.’

‘She is probably just waiting for you to come and tell her in your own time.’

‘Perhaps you are right.’

‘How about John, does he suspect anything?’

‘I doubt it, he is only a guy after all — they are not very emotionally perceptive.’

The one thing that Denise most appreciated about her friendship with Samantha was that she never saw her as anything but a real woman. She was now relieved that her friend had been so resolute in declining any contact with Denis back in May.

‘Once Jane does know for sure, she will probably help you to break the news to your father. I found my sister was a great help as an intermediary with my mother. She helped to soften the blow somehow.’

‘Thanks for the advice Denise. I am sure you are right. There is just one other thing though.’

‘What is that?’

‘Once I return to university in September, I am going to come out as a lesbian and stop ‘advertising’ myself as an available female looking for a mate, by what I wear and how I behave.’

‘Oh Samantha, please don’t start wearing dungarees and Doc Martens and get yourself a crew-cut— you would make an even less convincing bloke than I used to do,’ said Denise smiling.

Samantha also smiled at the idea.

‘Maybe so, but I don’t have to wear the “fuck me pumps” and tight skirts that some of the other girls in my year choose to wear.’

‘You can advertise your sexual preferences perfectly well just by being upfront and open with people. Since you have asked for my opinion, I would say that you have great looks — as a girl — and it would be a shame to try and disguise that fact just to make a political point, but of course it is your decision’.

‘So you’d have me be a ‘lipstick lesbian?’

‘I’d have you be whatever makes you happy and fulfilled. As I said last night, what you choose to wear is your business. But what are you intending to do about the modelling job?’

‘There is only one more month to go, so I will finish my commitments before I make any changes to my appearance.’

‘That will at least keep Sue happy,’ said Denise.

‘Yes, what is it with Sue recently; she has been singularly chirpy for the last couple of weeks?’

‘It must be this guy she has met.’

Samantha sighed.

‘It amazes me, you get an intelligent, independent woman like Sue who meets a new guy and suddenly she starts behaving like a schoolgirl.’

‘I hardly think she is behaving like a schoolgirl. She still gets on with her work in a professional manner, but is just a little more cheerful than usual. It is always nice to have a partner to go out with and share your life — that is what attracted me about going out with your cousin, but then of course sex came along and began to complicate matters.’

‘It looks as if, like you, I will also be condemned to a life of abstinence and reflection’, answered Samantha wearily.

‘Well you could always join a nunnery,’ said Denise with a twinkle in her eye.

‘No chance, there would be too much temptation for me,’ said Samantha. ‘I might end up fancying one of the sisters, or even the Mother Superior.’

As they were talking, Denise’s mobile phone started to ring. It was the ring tone that she had allocated to John.

‘Hi John!’ she answered cheerily.

She listened to him speaking for a minute or two.

‘Alright, just give me an hour or so to make myself look respectable, then you can come and pick me up.’

She put the phone away.

‘Oh dear!’ she said to Samantha.

‘What’s that?’

‘That sounds rather ominous! It was John. There is something important that he wants to talk to me about.’

‘In that case I think perhaps I also ought to get dressed and go and have a heart-to-heart talk with my sister,’ said Samantha.