Things that go bump in the night
“George” said the woman lying next to her husband in bed.
He continued snoring gently.
“George!” she said more urgently.
Then she gave him a kick. The snoring stopped.
“Wassup?” he said sleepily
“They’re at it again”
“At what again?” he said totally disinterested manner.
“George Adams. Next door are humping like two whales again”
“Eh? my love, they moved out over a week ago remember”
“There is someone next door I tell you”
George looked at the bedside clock. It read 03:45am.
“That’s as maybe but I have to get up in less than an hour. I’m going back to sleep”
With that, he turned over and tried to get back to sleep.
When he returned home later that afternoon from his shift driving trains on the Waterloo & City Line, he didn’t go inside his house. Instead, he used the keys his next-door neighbours had given him before they immigrated to New Zealand and let himself inside their former house.
His feet echoed on the bare floorboards.
The place had been completely stripped. Two days after their former neighbours had moved out, thieves broke in and stripped the place. Everything from the fitted carpet, all light & electrical fittings, plumbing including the bath and toilet bowls and all internal doors to the complete top of the range B&Q kitchen that had been installed only a few months before in an effort to make the place more saleable had been stolen in broad daylight.
It was only the arrival of George back from work that had prevented them from stealing the staircase as well.
He climbed the stairs and went into the master bedroom. This was the room that backed onto his bedroom on the other side of the party wall.
Like all the other rooms, it was empty.
“Ok Simone, I know you are here”, he said quietly.
There was no sound.
“Simone, for Christ’s sakes, you made enough noise last night. Can’t you be bothered to speak to me?”
Suddenly, a figure materialised out of nowhere.
“George, you are such a spoilsport. Just when I was beginning to enjoy myself”
The figure was of a young woman.
“There you are Simone. Who was it this time?”
“No, don’t tell me, Adam. Again!”
“So? What’s wrong with him?”
“You are wrong for him. Does he know?”
“Of course he does”
“Ok. Can’t you find somewhere else to bang him?”
“Why? This place is very suitable. Very suitable indeed”
“Not if you make so much noise that it wakes Suzi up.”
She put a finger to her lips.
“Opps. Soreeee” she said in a very sweet voice.
“Don’t soreeee me. Just do your bonking or whatever it is that ghosts do to each other somewhere else. Ok”
“Yes my lord & master”
George sat down on the floor.
“I don’t think you are taking this seriously”
“Moi? Lickle ole ghostly Moi? Your former tranny lover?”
“I could tell her you know”
“No you couldn’t and you know it”
She shrugged her shoulders.
“Yeah. Ok. I can’t. I just wanna have some fun ok. Now that I’m on this side, can’t you let me have some fun once in a while?”
“Oh Simone. Simone. What are we going to do with you? Why don’t you want to pass over fully? I’m sure there are men there who would satisfy you. I can’t do this any longer.”
“We were in Love”
“Yes Simone we were. WERE is the operative word. Then you went and got yourself killed just when I was trying to find the right words to tell Suzi that it was all over.”
“It wasn’t my fault that I got pushed under that tube train”
“The one that I happened to be driving. Yeah right”
“Ok. Ok. I got even. They fucker who ruined my life is now in Prison being someone bitch. That’s all find & dandy. I’m dead and he’s not. Well not yet. His time is soon. Then I’ll be able to pass on over. In the meantime, I need satisfaction. After all, I went and got my dick cut off just for you. I got these boobs just for you. I got my face fixed, just for you. I got my voice fixed just for you. Just so’s I could be the woman of your dreams.”
“Yeah you did. Then you went and got yourself killed. All that work for nowt”
“You still have Suzi”
“Don’t make me laugh. She’s the Ice Queen. As cold as they come these days”
“Yeah. That’s because she’s in love with Robin”
“Robin? That dozy chick.”
“Yeah. That Dozy Chick. She’s in the holiday Inn as we speak bonking her right left and centre”
“I know. I know. It was you that I was in love with. Not her. Well not for the last 10 years though”
“Oh, you are so nice when you pay me compliments like that”
He shook his head.
“That still does not explain the noise at 4am this morning”
“03:45 to be exact”
“Never mind Simone. There is a family going to move in here next week once the damage caused by those thieves is rectified”
“Oh yes. Them. Did the police get them?”
“Fat chance Simone. No one can remember the reg number of the truck they used to car everything away”
“J638FME. That was the number of the Transit they loaded everything into and drove off”
“Are you sure?”
“Yep. I was sitting in the bath when they took it out to the van”
“Thank you Simone” said George as he got off the floor.
“Where are you going?”
“To tell the Police”
“Pah. The things I do for you and this is how you repay me?”
“Look Simone. I love you. I’ll always love you no matter what. However, you are dead. I’m not. I have things to do on this side”
“I could make you have an accident you know?”
“You do that and you will never get to the far side”
“How do you know that?”
“And who was I in a previous life?”
“Cleopatra, Henry the Eighth and Maria Antoinette” said Simone with a definite sadness in her voice.
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