Night Entries, Chapter 3.
Well, we are back home. Mom somehow found us, and told us to come home. We did, lacking anywhere else to go. I hope things are going to be alright. I feel so helpless.
Its kinda funny around here now. Its like we all made this unspoken agreement to not mention what happened, but to go on as though life was perfectly normal. My step-dad actually seems a little wary of my brother, so maybe that’s what we’ve needed to do all along - kick his butt, and then he’d leave us alone.
Have I mentioned yet how much I HATE getting erections? Most of the time, I can almost pretend I dont have male bits, but when I get hard, its impossible to ignore, and it sucks, big time. I can’t explain it right, but it just feels so WRONG somehow. Sometimes, the only way I can face the day is to pretend my clothes are girl clothes and that nobody notices or minds. That’s one of my big fantasies at night, to imagine I’ll wake up as a girl and just have a normal day as one. I just do whatever I would normally be doing, except I’m female. Then the guilt hits, and I try and beat back the fantasy. I’m so tired of this strugggle.
I know I don’t write a lot about school, its cause I really don’t have a lot to say. It just IS, you know? I’m mostly ignored here, and that’s just fine with me. Much less chance of somebody figuring out I’m not like other boys.
My brother got a package from home today. It was a cassette tape from a friend of his. He let me listen, his friend seems pretty cool. John made a tape to send back, and I had to say “hi” on it, I don’t know why. I admire my brother a lot, he’s turning into a good man. But that also is taking him further away from me, since I am not a good man. Most days, I don’t feel like a man at all.
I’ve been dreaming about HER a lot. Sometimes, when I’m getting dressed, I almost see her in the mirror. I don’t know how to describe the feeling, its like.... I watched the movie “Victor/Victoria” and there is a scene where she is broke and hungry and she stands outside a restaurant and watching people eat on the other side of the glass. I’m like that. I watch the girls, and I want to join them, be one of them, and I cant.
Had a major snowstorm here, and it was actually kinda fun to go out afterward. The funniest part was walking through a snow drift, my brother and I were stopped by the cops, who asked if we needed help. We laughed, and told him we’re Canadians. Pretty funny, I thought.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, Diary, but I love to read, especially science fiction. My favorite authors are Issac Asimov and Ray Bradbury. The only bad part is occasionally, I’ll read something that makes me think of my gender stuff, and then I have to stop and fight with them instead of being able to enjoy the story.
I’ve been doing a little bit of thinking, Diary. I’ve got this idea for a story where this kid wishes everyone would go away, and then wakes up to find himself alone in the world. Maybe I’ll actually be able to write it down, that would be cool.
My brother has to go back to Canada, since he's now graduated. I'm going to miss him terribly.
We’re moving back to Canada. Denver has been okay, but I miss home. Not that I fit in there, either, but I don’t know, its just better. Meanwhile, the gender stuff is getting so bad I honestly don’t know how to handle it. The only way I can describe it is to compare it to that “Alien” movie. I can feel HER pushing from inside me, trying to get out, and I can only imagine the mess it would make if she succeeds ...
Well, its time to pack up, and say goodbye to this place. Maybe the change will help me get through this stuff, cause I’m out of ideas.
I almost died today, thanks to my step dad. We were driving back to Alberta, and my mom was sick, and trying to keep up to him in her car. He refused to let her take a rest, and it almost cost us our lives. She was just about asleep behind the wheel, and he pulled into a side road to a gas station, and then pulled back out again.
She made the side road, but trying to get back to the main one she ended up in a ditch after doing like 100 km an hour. the ditch was deep and we almost flipped over, but somehow, she managed to get us back on the road. The car is badly damaged because there was a barbed-wire fence along the ditch, but at least she’s alive. I’m alive too, which I have mixed feelings about. But I guess God isn’t done with me just yet.
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