Encrypted-7

Chapter 7

It might sound strange but being a bartender is actually very good if you’re like me. I have issues with clean. I need things to be clean and this I can control here behind the bar. You take away the social interaction it’s a whole system of measurements and protocols and technical details that are actually soothing to someone like me. Oddly enough I like the dance music too the beat of the club stuff get’s into what I’m doing like a way for me to time myself. Plus there’s the fact that I just like to dance. I’ve studied both dance and music as my minors and while it’s part of me being different I kind of found that dance and music let me feel like I actually sort of had a soul.

There were a lot of years that I wondered that. I mean I still wonder what a soul is but I’ve managed to get myself to a point where there were times I though I could feel like other people did, like they had one.

Life is so grey when you just don’t really know why you are the way that you are or what’s wrong with you. It even went past the way that I was diagnosed really. Of course I had no idea that I might have been transgendered so I was just still sort of stuck in that limbo state.

It’s so painful to have these feelings inside about all of the stuff going on and just not have the tools or the right mind frame to just let it out.

Brandy has changed that and changed me. I’m still learning and trying but she understands where others haven’t. I am deeply in love with her for that. There is more to me loving her than that of course but being understood, having someone hear the stuff I can’t and haven’t been able to voice is something huge.

And I get to watch her take the stage. She’s beautiful and curvy with very nice breasts and even nice hips but long legs as well. I think that she might be a XXY variant or something? Hormones can do much or so I’ve read but there is this body type that she must have some very female character features. I know she’s had surgery and some work done or in our cases she had some of the things wrong with her fixed.

I’m getting off topic again.

Yes…Brandy dancing. I know it’s an erotic show or it’s meant to be but there’s this grace to her up there. She’s dressed in a costume, looking like a slave girl out of Africa during Roman times she’s bare foot with a torn tunic and a drop cloth hiding her sex and yet still you can see this torn and tattered tiger print panties underneath. A man on of the staff comes dragging her by a choker and a chain to the pole and he yells. “Dance!” and he cracks his whip. Arabic styled music starts to play like for the seductive slow stuff and she begins to dance, and dance slowly…not stripping yet at all and then the belly dancing sort of salsa moves come into play as the music gets more intense and almost frenetic until Brandy hits the stage like she fell when the music stopped. The light’s dim around her to just shine on her and she starts up again almost in a sexy predator way…wanton I would call the look as the song. “Slave for you.” Starts by Britney Spears.

I try to keep up behind the bar helping Mark during her set but she strips to this and rides the pole and does things with the chain attached to the choker. She so seductive and rhythmic she’s almost hypnotic.

So at odds with my Brandy in a way. She is so different off stage that the way that she transforms herself up there is fascinating.

But when she’s not dancing she’s giving lap dances, and even that is fascinating to watch. I find myself in these busy periods of time when the alternate sexuality and gender crowds seem to arrive and the stage dancing stops and there’s a DJ that sets up on the stage and the place becomes a dance club for the all the different people. Brandy and the others are still doing lap dances but these are for the semi private booths. They’re only semi private because the security people mark has hired need to still see the girls and keep them safe.

I’m forced to get exposed to conversations with customers that normally I wouldn’t engage in. I’m a bartender at the moment and being social is part of the experience, part of the job much like my having to spend so many hours teaching.

It’s not that the conversations are bad or anything it’s the fact that I would not normally talk to most people. I’m not good at it, I am very awkward and literal, taken wrong much of the time and shy.

Scared even.

I could teach, well I tried to teach even though I had the feeling that my style of teaching math wasn’t the most interesting. And I spent most of my academic time writing computer code and running mathematic equations trying to solve problems for mostly deep sea work or for deep space work.

Nothing remotely like this though.

Then things change as the shift goes on and I actually start to see results, positive ones. Whether it’s my appearance or the short conversations that don’t let me blunder into things like I usually do or just the fact that I might be picking up a new skill set shows with real results in the form of tips.

It’s not really about the money either. But it is a tangible gauge for me to actually see my progress in doing this. I actually am having fun by the time the shift is done. Mark tells me to keep my tips and I help him and the rest of the staff in cleaning up. I’m a little OCD when it comes to these things and Mark seems to be the same way. Everything is cleanable and wiped down it takes all of us about an hour and even Cord who was the DJ tonight pitched in. He’s the first FTM transperson that I’ve ever met and he really does come across as a he. Actually very much more than I did even before my change which honestly has me fascinated.

And leads me to thinking over a question. Am I a male with a female mutation or have I always been female with a male biological mutation? Cort’s very nature seems to suggest that they are inherently male despite her biological factors.

I’m pleasantly surprised when Brandy comes out showered and changed into a different outfit than what she wore to work. Faded and torn jeans that are the fashion again it seems but on her they look stunning, they really accentuate her hips. And just a simple pink “My Little Pony” tee-shirt that’s short enough to be a cropped tee and shows off her coffee and cream skin. Her hair’s loose and down and she’s got these long gentle wavy tresses that I love.

I can’t help but go away from my usual train of thought and just drink in how relaxed and natural and beautiful she is and there’s part of me that is just still getting that amazed catch in my heart and my throat when she smiles for me, and walks up to me and she kisses me….

Someone cares and loves and is kissing me.

This is very, very cool.

See, I’m learning.

I love the way that she smells too out of the shower. Cocoa and Shea butter mixing with her secret deodorant and her lotion. The smell of her make up on her face…yes I can smell that then that silken slippery yet not beautiful sensation of my lips and her lips as we kiss and that feeling of lipstick on lipstick.

“Morning.” I say as we break the kiss.

“Good morning actually, I get to be with you.” She says giving me one of those just for my heart Brandy smiles. I love that, that she can just make me feel the way she does.

“Breakfast?” I ask but I’m hungry too.

“Sure, Where?”

“Home? I don’t know many places.”

“I know a good one?”

“Uh…uhm….okay…” I’m nervous, I’m not good with going out to places but Brandy wants to go here and I really don’t want to mess this up what we have and….and…I need to do this. I’m with someone. I can’t shut myself away from the world like I used to. It’s not fair to her if I did. I and not dragging her down with me in the whole thing of my stuff making her feel guilty because it’s something hard for me.

“Are you sure?” she kisses me lightly but has this open, warm caring concerned look.

“I’m sure I’m just nervous and scared a bit.”

“We can go home?”

“No…please, I want to go. I want to do these things too I..I..I..jj..Just need to get past the stuff holding me back…I can do this with you helping me.”

I stuttered a bit which I hate but it’s a good indicator of my stress levels too. Brandy kisses me and then she smiles. “Come on angel, besides I’ve got the perfect thing to take your mind off of going out to someplace new.” She’s leading me out to pretty and opens the door for me before getting in herself.

“What’s the thing that’ll take my mind off of going to someplace new?”

“My driving.”

She has this huge smile on her face as she says it and she’s actually right. I have a car but I don’t use it. I hate driving, I take the bus or walk as much as I can and never go really far from where I live. I usually never go out at nights. The lights are too bright, the flashing pulses and the cars and other things and street lights, traffic lights, it all seems magnified by the darkness.

So I’m listening to the classical music on her radio in “Pretty” and subconsciously conducting with my hands and trying to not get too caught up in the sensory overload by using that to distract me.

4:33 A.M. in Toronto isn’t as bad as I thought, there’s some traffic but not that much mostly the things that I notice are the cabs and the delivery trucks as the move through the early morning. It’s actually a lot better then it was on our way to the club. Ten minutes in and I’m actually fine, well better than normal and Brandy’s smiling at me.

“Getting better Hon?”

“Yes, I think this is a better time of the night for me.”

“I think so but I’m hoping that it’s a matter of getting used to doing it more like fighting a phobia.”

“Yes, that’s what I’ve been thinking about when it comes to the equation of me in US.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been a recluse for a lot of my life. I “holed” up away from most social groups because I wasn’t good at them. I’m different and I didn’t understand how. I was like the hermit crab ready to pull back into my shell and hide. I figured out tonight that I can push those boundaries I put up as walls to keep me safe.”

“You don’t need to push yourself too hard Maddie.”

“Yes, because if we are really we then I need to expand myself, otherwise what’s my defense becomes a cage for you.”

“It wouldn’t?”

“Yes, this could really happen Brandy, I’m not all that life experienced but even I know that if I let myself fall into my old rut that I might pull you in too. It’d just take me not wanting to go someplace or do something a few times too much back into my old comfort zone when you want or need to and you wouldn’t enjoy it because you felt guilty for leaving me or not go because of that.”

“That’s a bit conceited isn’t it?”

“No…it almost happened tonight didn’t it?”

She’s quiet and thinking and driving and after five minutes she slows down. “Yeah, I guess that you’re right. I was just wanting to take you home, to not stress you out and make things easier for you. I love you but I can see what you’re afraid of.”

“Good, I’m not sure if I’m always going to be strong enough to do all the things all of the time but I want you to help me, to push me or pull me out of the mold that I got stuck into as Mathew.”

“Deal.”

She leans over to kiss me and then she scares me. Okay…this actually might be funny, it strikes me as funny that the scariest part of the night was Brandy trying to parallel park in front of the restaurant.

We’re on Younge & College at this diner place called Fran’s. It’s nice and it’s clean and moderately busy for this time of the morning and we get shown to a table. I notice the sign and the menu says since 1940 so that bodes well for this being a good place. The table and seats are clean and so are the dishes and the silverware. I feel myself relaxing with each good detail and then the smells hit and I remember that I’ve been working all night and brandy’s been dancing all night.

The menu has a good selection and we order together. It’s another time of new things for me. Brandy gets an order of pancakes with banana in them and cinnamon sugar on top to go along with the corned beef hash and extra home fries for both of us and I’ve never had corned beef before and I like it. Honestly it’s something that I think my father would like. The eggs are sunny side up and runny which kind of end up on her plate because I can’t do a runny egg. I just can’t the only way I can eat eggs in any way is scrambled; I’m actually fond of omelettes.

I really liked the home fries I like potatoes generally but they just tasted extra good this morning and I think I have a new favorite pancake too. Banana and cinnamon sugar goes well together and even better with coffee.

We kind of make pigs out of ourselves or well not really but we don’t eat the way that you usually see girls eat. We eat, not nibble or anything but you know when girls eat like they don’t care who’s watching and are actually being themselves? That’s us with the occasional forkful of something yummy being offered up by the other one to eat and be fed by.

I’ve never done anything like that and there’s a point in time where the place just stops mattering and I’m eating and giggling and having fun and falling in love with this girl who’s taken me to places in my heart I didn’t know where there.

I pay for the meal and Brandy leaves a twenty dollar tip. “Waiting tables is a hard job hon, and I like the place.”

I nod and get us two big coffee’s to go while I’m at the cash. “I get that and if we do that then they’ll remember us and we might be welcome there.”

She smiles at me. “I never thought about it that way but yeah I suppose that it could work that way. It certainly wouldn’t hurt for girls like us to have a few places that are glad to see us no matter what.”

The drive home isn’t that bad but the traffic was just starting to get into that heading to work Toronto snarl I really focus on not spilling our coffees. But it’s downtown Toronto and if it’s not the traffic it’s the disrepair of some of the streets.

In my opinion pavement the way it is currently used by most companies and municipalities is a waste of our tax dollars. A few years ago a student in British Columbia made a stretch of superior asphalt by simply grating plastic pop bottles into fine strips and dumping it in to melt along with the heated material. The end result was a product that was much more durable that the regular mixture by three or four times.

It isn’t used because that would “take job” away from people. That’s a lie, resurfacing all the roads in something that would last for twenty or thirty years would keep them very much employed.

It’s money pure and simple like the systematic failing of the rail system here. If it was more efficient and used better then so much more goods would be shipped that way but the fact of more trucks on the roads leads to huge profits for fuel companies and taxes for the government.

The green people talk a good game but I rarely hear them mentioning the railways. These are mass transit by design. In just terms of fuel to cargo terms they are very good for the environment.

I come out of my tangent in my head caused by the last pothole bump to find myself at home. Home… I let out this sigh of satisfaction. When I got lost, went out of body or whatever I had down I wanted to go home so badly and I snapped back to here to Brandy.

I look at her as we get out and still marvel at her simple beauty and loveliness. She looks so good in the morning sunshine and I move around the front of the car to meet her at the door and lean over hold the coffees away from us and kiss her again. Longer and again and again four or five times in those I love you open mouth sensual kisses.

“Mmm, ya…ay…, what brought those on?”

“You, just seeing how beautiful you are in the morning sunlight.”

“Really?”

If I have my problems so does Brandy. She gets that she’s sexy and she equates that to maybe something fetish like or something with why so many “straight” guys like the she-male thing but she has problems believing that she’s just honestly beautiful.

“Yes, really…remember this is me, I am very bad at lying.”

“I know it’s just….”

“I know and I know you’re beautiful Brandy, I see it shining out of you like light.”

She’s crying now but smiling and she kisses me, it’s this; her arms around me suddenly and me spilling the coffees, Brandy pressing her breasts into my chest as she kisses me with this long passionate pinning me to the door kind of kiss.

I’m kissing back and we stay like that for awhile until I move my arms around her settling my hands into the small of her back and then slowly sliding down to her butt and it’s so good feeling the same thing as Brandy’s hands slide from my shoulders down to the small of my back and cup my bottom. I’ve never had anyone cup my bottom before…I think I like it.

Our kissing becomes even more intense and we’re fumbling our way inside with the keys and the locking the door which let me pin her to that side of the door for a few minutes and we do that back and forth into the furniture and the walls all the way to our room where we kiss and kiss and….oh it’s so like we’re doing mouth to mouth mathematics and we’re desperately try to solve for K instead of X.

It’s a different lovemaking this time, face to face on our sides kissing and touching, exploring our breasts and my aren’t even there just sort of starting from my tweaking of my equation…but they feel so good to be touched, to be kissed and sucked on…then there’s this other touching both of using the lubricant on the other, on our hands and touching ourselves but not like two men giving each other a hand job…no this was strokes with the pads of fingers, feather light touches, running an fingertip under each other’s hoods…not a male lovemaking experience at all but a female one, a lesbian one…as we made love like that…teasing each other’s clitty’s until…I had such powerful orgasms, there was this rise and fall of getting there but stopping and starting again and again until we teased each other to exploding with these girlie little cries. It was so strong that I made that sound…so…right…so female that it just…happened.

We had several orgasms before we were sated and kissing and smiling and even giggling a little as we were licking each other clean before we snuggled together into bed finally.

It seemed like so long in coming but life can actually good.
(Happy sigh...)