Joan struggles to find her place in this life. Sam continues to put himself at risk for the love of the game

Chapter 3

Dancing in the Dark

I arrived at the Peters’ home and realized that I didn’t have a key. It was now eleven thirty and the house was completely dark. Now what the hell was I supposed to do? Should I knock on the door and wake everyone up? Was Sam worried about me? It certainly didn’t seem so. I stood in front of the door with my head shaking involuntarily from side to side and made my way across the street: home…

I removed my key from my purse and carefully let myself in. Shandy was all over me in seconds, tail wagging and jumping up and down on my bare legs. I followed my memory through the dark and into the kitchen. It was too late for coffee so I made myself a cup of tea. As I sat at the table thinking things over, Shandy continually assaulted me. She tried desperately to jump up into my lap. I’d never seen her do that before. If my parents had taught her one thing it was that the table was off limits.

She looked up at me with those big sad eyes and I figured she was hungry. Her tail began wagging rapidly as I stood up and partially filled her bowl with some leftovers from the fridge. One problem solved I thought as I made my cup of herbal tea. I sat at the table and broke my own rule. A cup of tea and a cigarette. I wasn’t really sure why I was feeling so out of sorts. Was it the same for Sam? It irked me a bit that I’d been locked out and he’d apparently gone to sleep without me.

All of a sudden I began worrying that something was wrong. A bit of a panic attack assaulted me. Hell, he had my cell phone number. Everyone had my cell phone number. If some kind of emergency had arisen, wouldn’t they have called? I removed the phone from my purse and checked it. It was in obvious working order and there were no messages for me. I began to calm down a bit. If it hadn’t been so late, I’d have called Aunt Vivian. I really needed to talk to someone.

It was midnight when I realized that my place was with Sam. I couldn’t simply leave him to twist in the wind. What if he woke up in the middle of the night and found me gone? It would probably scare the hell out of him. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. I began to worry with each passing ring and no answer. On the tenth ring Aunt Alice picked up. I explained to her that I was locked out and could she please open the front door for me. She surprised me by telling me to simply stay where I was and that they’d see me in the morning. Whoa!

I hung up the phone feeling worse than I had before I even called. Shandy having finished her food began whining at the back door. I let her out and sat back down at the table. Had I done something wrong here? If not, then why was I being punished? I let the dog back in, and made my way into the sewing room. Thankfully, my blanket and pillows were still on the top shelf in the closet. I laid down on the floor and Shandy came in and curled up beside me. Her wagging tale thumped silently against my thigh. I was so grateful for her company that I hugged her tightly to my chest. I slowly drifted off though each breath was filled with worry.

I was awakened by the smell of coffee brewing. Like a junkie in need of a fix I pulled on my clothes and stumbled into the kitchen. "Ah, she lives!" Aunt Mel exhorted. I issued a sad smile and filled my cup. The kitchen clock informed me that it was just after nine. I figured that Sam was up by now, so with coffee cup in my hand I dialed his number. He reacted as if all were normal and asked me if I had a good time with Sally last night.

I was totally taken aback. He simply seemed not to care. Hell, he hadn’t missed me at all. I told him that I’d see him at the game later on. Sam told me he loved me and got off of the phone. I was both elated and a bit peeved. I wasn’t sure whether or not to call Sally and ask her yet again if she wanted to come. Was I just pestering her? I sighed aloud and dialed her number.

"Sally? It’s me, Joan. Well, can you make it this afternoon?" I asked and laughed. I didn’t want to appear too anxious. After a few hems and haws she told me resignedly that she’d be happy to come. I didn’t miss a beat and told her that it really wasn’t necessary if she didn’t want to. She seemed relieved at hearing it, but restated her desire to join us. I thanked her and told her we’d pick her up at noon. Hell, I hadn’t even asked Aunt Mel if it would be ok. I didn’t think she’d object to the additional company.

It was then that I realized I didn’t even know where Sally lived. I didn’t want to call her back just to ask for her address, so I got out the phone book and looked it up. She lived on Beemer Street, a two mile ride from my house. It’s a good thing that she never took me up on my offers to walk her home.

"What would you like for breakfast?" Aunt Melissa asked, shaking me out of my reverie. I told her whatever she felt like making was fine with me. She laughed at that and began frying up some eggs. "So, are you all ready for the baseball game?" she went on. I told her that I was, though I wasn’t really sure I meant it. It just didn’t seem important to me at all.

We sat there eating our breakfast and I realized that the Waves were undefeated: eleven wins and no losses. No county team had ever amassed a better record. They were a good bet to win the state championships at the end of August. The final game deciding the winner would be held in just a few more weeks. . Where had the summer gone? I was so proud of Sam and his accomplishments and a bit worried too given his current condition.

I cleaned up the kitchen in a semi-catatonic state. Aunt Mel seemed to know that I wasn’t 100% with her. She gave me the space that I needed. With the kitchen totally cleaned up it was still only ten thirty. I got out my notebook and started making calls to line up work for next week. I smiled as I remembered that we were going to have band practice tomorrow. I’d have to find some time at some point today to practice a bit. With five jobs scheduled and one maybe, I headed up to the bathroom to make myself pretty.

I decided to tempt fate and put on my sundress. It was the same one I’d been wearing when Dad had assaulted me not too many weeks ago. I put on my wedgies and made my way back downstairs. Taking my morning pills had become such a part of my routine that I hardly even noticed it anymore. I did however notice the slight puffiness of my breasts and my nipples were in a constant state of increased sensitivity. It was more than I’d hoped for. My mind was all over the place. Soon, Sam’s first trimester would be completed and then I could stop worrying a bit. Most miscarriages occurred during that time frame.

Back in the here and now, I examined myself in the sewing room mirror. My hair was just so, my makeup was perfect, my necklace stood out against my chest, my ankle bracelet also announced my name for all the world to see. I laughed to myself as I realized that at least I’d never forget my name. I just wished that I could snap out of this funk that I seemed trapped in.

It was closing in on noon and I told Aunt Melissa that we’d better get started if we wanted to get there in time. She smiled at me and told me she was thinking the same thing. Aunt Mel, not one to waste money brought an insulated cooler bag filled with sandwiches and sodas. I smiled at her thinking that I wouldn’t have to risk another trip to the concession stand. Generally I wasn’t afraid of anything, but lately? Well, I couldn’t say that it was the case any longer. I’d become a lot more wary of my surroundings since becoming Joan.

I directed Aunt Mel to Sally’s house. She seemed happy for the company. Along the way I asked her if she knew just what Mom and Aunt Alice were up to this afternoon. She simply smiled at me and told me that she had no idea. We arrived at Sally’s and she was out on the front porch waiting for us. I got in the back with her and complimented her on her attire. She was wearing a sun dress very similar to my own, though no one would ever mistake us for sisters.

We arrived at the stadium and found decent seats just a few rows behind the home team dugout. The overall turnout was a little lighter than usual. I guessed that a lot of people were simply away on vacation.

Out of the blue Sally asked me, "is everything alright between you and Sam?" I hadn’t really thought about things in that way and I was at a loss for words for a few moments. I looked out to the field where the team had finally made its entrance and watched Sam as he began throwing his warm-up tosses.

"Yeah Sally, everything’s fine," I said at last and sent Sam a special cheer. Sally looked at me dubiously not sure whether to believe me or not. I gave her a special smile and her mood brightened. Aunt Mel informed us that it had been years since she’d last been to a baseball game. She went on to explain that the last time she’d been was when my cousin Melissa was playing softball back in high school. She seemed a bit amazed at the facility provided for a bunch of kids to play ball.

The star spangled banner was sung and the game began. I felt a heaviness in my heart and knew that I just didn’t want to be there. To say anything at that point would have been absurd. Aunt Melissa was here to cheer on Sam and Sally was here because I’d asked her to come. And now? Now I just wanted to be anywhere but here.

Fortunately, the game was a quick one. Before I knew it, it was the top of the fifth. The Waves clung to a one run lead. I found myself wondering if Dr. Feingold was in the stands. It was only the fifth, but Sam looked like he was getting tired. He was taking a little too much time between pitches. With two outs, the Eagles had the bases loaded. Even from where I was sitting, I could see the look of worry on my sweetheart’s face. He tuned out the entire world and simply focused on the catcher’s mitt in front of him.

The batter swung mightily and the ball dribbled a few feet in front of home plate. The catcher quickly scooped it up and stepped on home plate. The inning was over. A loud sigh of relief echoed through the stands as the Waves headed back to the dugout. I was really beginning to worry about Sam. He came to bat and hit a line drive, just fair down the left field line. His mile-wide smile beat him to second base; standing up. The Waves managed to bat him in and the top of the sixth began.

The Eagles came to bat and Sam made short work of the first two batters. Then it happened. With two outs and no one on base the batter hit a line drive right back to the mound. Sam’s reflexes weren’t quite up to the task and the ball struck him right in the hip as his body finished the follow through. He collapsed where he stood. The crowd seemed far more upset that a runner had reached base than it was about Sam. I started running for the field. Just as she’d done at the doctor’s office, Aunt Mel restrained me. Two of the coaches escorted Sam off the field. A smattering of applause echoed through the stands as he was helped off the field and into the clubhouse.

That was all the baseball I’d be watching that afternoon. With clear presence of mind I made my way to the announcer’s booth. I begged the young man calling the game to please ask Dr. Feingold to report to the locker room immediately. He made the request and went back to his task. I needn’t have bothered. She was already there when I walked into the clubhouse. Sam was curled up in a ball on a table and clutching his side. I’ve never been so scared in my life.

I was the only one with a look of worry on my face. The good doctor seemed totally calm and soon, Sam did as well. I began worrying what would have happened if he’d been seriously hurt and the doctor wasn’t around. Dr. Feingold completed her examination and actually gave me a hug and told me there was nothing to be concerned about. My mind was full of doubts as I reached my husband.

"What happened?" he asked in a state of confusion. I told him to get changed that we were going home. He’d have none of it. Although he was out of the game, he wasn’t going to leave until it was over. In a sense I admired his loyalty to the team. I was also a bit peeved that he seemed to be taking it all so nonchalantly.

Sally and Aunt Melissa both stood in the background not saying a word. I was done watching baseball. Aunt Mel, like Sam, wanted to see the end of the game. I could tell that Sally didn’t care one way or the other so I asked her if she’d go for a walk with me. I asked Aunt Melissa for the car keys and told her she could simply meet us there when the game was over. She handed them to me, but not before making me promise that I wouldn’t attempt driving anywhere.

Sally and I made our way back to the car. We got in the front seats and she turned on the radio. She didn’t say a word as I lit my cigarette. Could I possibly make Sam see that he was endangering the lives of the twins? I knew that I couldn’t. Finally Aunt Mel came out to the car. The Waves winning record remained in tact. She started talking about how exciting it was, but I totally tuned her out. Sally just looked like she wanted to go home. She held my hand tightly as Aunt Melissa drove us back to our domains.

"Thanks for coming Sally. I know you didn’t want to. Still, I don’t know how I’d have made it through if you hadn’t been there with me. Thank you." She smiled at me and gave me a hug and assured me that’s what friends are for. We dropped Sally off and it was then that Aunt Mel told me that Dr. Feingold had spoken with her. She said that if there was any sign of spotting (bleeding) to call her immediately. I was a nervous wreck.

I knew that Sam wouldn’t say a word about it if it occurred. What was I supposed to do? Follow him around and watch him every time he went to the bathroom? Actually, I considered doing just that but knew it would be impossible. Still, I’d have to convince him that this was very serious and that he’d have to tell me immediately if there were any signs of blood.

We went back to Mom’s and I began helping Aunt Melissa prepare dinner. We hadn’t touched any of the food she’d brought to the game. I didn’t have much of an appetite. I assured myself that Sam would finish it all off sooner or later. Aunt Mel reminded me that I was supposed to be making dinner this evening and laughed it off. I made the salad and went in the backyard to play with the dog and have yet another cigarette. I was becoming too damned dependent on the nicotine and promised myself to quit before I started damaging my own body.

Mom and Aunt Alice came sauntering in all smiles around five thirty. When I asked them where they’d been they both fell silent. It was closing in on six and still no word from Sam. I went over to his house to wait for him. I borrowed Aunt Alice’s key and she told me to keep it, she had a spare. One problem solved, I thought as I made my way across the street.

At six thirty Aunt Mel came across the street to get me. There was still no word from Sam. I wasn’t going to be eating anything till I knew he was alright. I told her to go back inside and that I’d be over as soon as he arrived. Finally, at seven o’clock coach pulled up in front of the house with the bus. Once again I was both relieved and angry. Relieved that he was alright and angry that he’d left me to twist in the wind this way.

He totally disarmed me with a hug and a kiss. "Were you worried about me?" he asked. The coach just sat there behind the wheel of the bus and refused to move. I turned around, opened the front door and closed it behind me. Sam stood there talking to the coach. I couldn’t believe it. I’d been worried sick about him all afternoon and he acts like he just came home from a walk in the park. After a few minutes and with them still out there, I left the house and headed for the boardwalk. It was my turn to disappear. Sam didn’t say a word to me as I walked past him and headed for the ocean.

Well, I wanted to be alone and now I was. I finally remembered I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. Now what was I supposed to do? Was he really that dense? For some reason, the boardwalk had lost its charm. I didn’t want to be here either. What the hell was wrong with me? I began wandering aimlessly. My goal; to be anywhere Sam wouldn’t find me. Given his condition I found myself hoping that he wouldn’t try. I’d never suffered so many mood swings in my life. It had to be the pills.

I found myself sitting at a table in a beach front eatery. I was staring down at the sausage hero and fries sitting in front of me. I didn’t even remember ordering anything. I was beginning to get scared. I slowly ate my food and surveyed my surroundings. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Everyone but me, that is. I asked for a bag to put the remnants of my meal in. I was going to walk to the ocean and feed it to the starving gulls.

I had more fun feeding them a fry at a time than I’d had doing anything all day. They’d snatch them right out of the air as I tossed them high overhead. I sat there with my feet getting wet and throwing food at the gulls for quite some time. Finally a voice came out of nowhere. "So there you are!" it exclaimed. I looked up and saw Fred and Darla walking side by side towards me. They told me that they stopped at my house and Sam told them the last he knew I was headed off in this direction. At least I knew he was alright. I almost felt angrier with him for not coming after me.

Darla sat down on one side of me and Fred on the other. They both snuggled close and hugged me tight. Almost as if muttering a mantra they said simultaneously that everything was going to be alright. It made me smile and laugh but also creeped me out just a wee bit. I felt really stupid doing it, but I asked them if Sam looked ok. They both told me that he seemed fine. Should I just go back home? It didn’t seem as if Sam cared where I was or what I was doing. I didn’t want to see him now, it would just cause an argument.

"So, what are you two up to?" I asked as cheerfully as I could.

"Well, we came out looking for our friend," Darla replied and smiled at me. I was really glad these two had found each other. I knew that Darla deserved some real happiness in her life. Silly thing to say about someone with all of the advantages that Darla had. Still, I was finally beginning to see the torment that had made her the person she was today.

"Thanks for coming," I told them with a sadness in my voice that I couldn’t conceal. They just leaned in and hugged me tighter. I couldn’t help but think that Sam should be the one sitting here next to me. He really knew how to get to me. Anyway, if we were together at this moment, I’d probably be badgering him to give up baseball till next year. I knew in my heart that he loved me, but if it ever came down to choosing between me and the game I was more than afraid that I’d come out in a distant second place.

I forced myself to stand up and started walking along the breakers. Fred and Darla rose and followed my lead. "What’s wrong Joan?" Darla asked. I explained what had happened at the game that afternoon and Darla almost went into shock. "Oh my God! I had no idea! Sam seemed fine when we saw him, but I wasn’t examining him for any injuries. Maybe he should give up baseball until the twins are born?"

She’d voiced my sentiments exactly. I patiently explained that there was no way in hell that that was ever going to happen. I had no idea how to proceed. Should I just be the loving, stoic wife? Bite my tongue and hope for the best? Yes, these were my babies but this was his life. Was baseball more important to him than the lives of our children? I felt a quick flash of horror as I recalled the ball striking him in the hip and his sudden collapse. Was there anything I could do? I felt totally helpless as I continued to walk. Each step seemed to take me deeper into despair.