Christina lay in bed on her side with her arm around a pillow. She hadn't checked what time it was, but judging by the sunlight, she expected it was past noon. Her mind was so seized with despair and worry that she'd slept only a few fitful hours since Andrei and left her at her bedroom door last night. Her hand was numb from clutching her gear necklace. She'd been holding it so tightly and for so long that the teeth had cut grooves into her palm.

        Closing her eyes, Christina tried to sleep. Not because she was tired, but rather because she couldn't bear to be awake anymore. She couldn't figure any way to come up with the money she owed Mr. Conrad. Even if she had the money, she couldn't see how she could get back to the city and be able to make it to work every day. Since Amy had left, Christina was responsible for paying all of the rent. With no job, she'd lose the apartment for sure.

        The hopelessness she felt from worrying about her car, her job, and what would become of her once she got home, seemed like nothing compared to the ache she felt in her heart. It was seven years since her father died. Not one day had passed where she'd forgotten him. When she was younger, she used to wonder how long it would take until she felt like the hole in her life that her father had left would go away. After a while, she gave up waiting.

        While she had never forgotten about her father, Christina had long since forgotten what it was like to be a part of a family. How cruel it seemed to her to be thrust into a loving home only to know that it wouldn't last. Her mother was right; she should never have gotten her hopes up. It would have been better, she decided, if she'd just kept her head down and accepted things for what they were. She was foolish to think she could get ahead at work, and even more deluded to hope that she could ever be part of a family again. She wished she'd never took Mr. Patel up on his offer. All it got her was a glimpse of a life she could never have.

        Misha came into the bedroom and saw that Christina was still in bed. "You missed breakfast," she said.

        Christina propped herself up with her elbows and said, "I'm sorry Aunt Misha."

        Misha walked to the side of the bed and sat down on its edge. She put her hand on Christina's cheek and guided her niece's head into her lap. "My dear Tina," she said as she stroked her niece's hair, "You look as though you cried all night."

        Christina nodded in her aunt's lap.

        "Andrei told me what is bothering you child."

        Christina closed her eyes and listened to Misha speak.

        "Tina, I know the world can be a cold place. Sometimes it seems that life is a great ocean, and we are just ships being thrown by the waves. You will be tossed, and rolled; that is life. But they are only waves, Tina. That is all. They are not enough to defeat you unless you give in. Do you understand what I am saying?"

        Christina sat up in bed next to her aunt and said, "Aunt Misha, I try so hard. I really thought I had it all worked out. It was like, maybe, just this once, it was my turn to get it right. But it doesn't matter how hard I try. It never matters. I always ruin everything, and it's too much this time. I just don't know what to do anymore."

        Misha took Christina's palm in hers and extended their arms in front of them.

        "All of the women in our family have tiny hands, you see?"

        Christina nodded.

        "You, and I, and Nina, we all have tiny hands and skinny arms." She folded Christina's hand into a fist and explained, "But this is not where strength is. Hope ... faith ... these are the only things that can move mountains."

        Misha placed Christina's hand back into her lap. "Now tell me Tina, do you think it is better to stay in your room all day? Or is it better to have faith that things will work out as they are meant to be?"

        Christina leaned her head against her Aunt's chest and whispered, "I guess staying in bed isn't a good plan."

        Misha stood up from the bed and walked to the door. Grinning at Christina with a twinkle in her eyes, she said, "If you get up now, you might not miss lunch."

        Christina stood up and looked in the mirror. She dropped her shoulders, thinking about just how upside down her world had become. She did feel very much like a ship lost on the ocean. Slipping out of her pajamas, she pulled her bathrobe over her shoulders, looked into the mirror and half-heartedly told herself, "Everything's going to work out." With that, she forced herself to take a shower to start the day.

        After the shower, Christina performed her increasingly familiar morning rituals; fixing her hair, applying her makeup, and picking out something attractive to wear. Once she was presentable, she walked down the stairs to the living room, wearing her yellow sleeveless dress and high heeled shoes. The dress had a floral pattern embroidered on the skirt. It was the only outfit that Nina had selected that Christina had yet to wear. Her hair and makeup made her pretty as they had been all week. The only thing that was missing was her smile.

        Nina was sitting on the couch and Christina went to join her. Nina could tell that her cousin was still upset. She hugged Christina as she said, "Good morning."

        "I think you mean, good afternoon," Christina corrected with a sad grin. "Where is everyone?"

        "We've been busy all morning." Nina walked to the open front door and looked out through the screen door. "Each of us had chores."

        Christina stood up, folding her arms in front of her, and held her elbows. "I'm sorry Nina, I should have got up earlier and helped. What did you have to do?"

        "My job was cleaning."

        Christina looked around the living room. It didn't look any different than the night before. She turned around and looked through the hallway into the kitchen. She could see that the table was covered with pots and pans. "Nina, are you sure you're finished? This still kinda looks dirty."

        Nina rolled back and forth on the balls of her feet and giggled. "I wasn't cleaning the house."

        Christina wrinkled her nose in confusion at her cousin's words.

        Nina simply smiled, pointing out the door with her eyes and a tilt of her head. Then she opened the screen door and went outside.

        Christina's heels clicked on the living room floor as she followed her cousin. She opened the screen door and walked outside. The sun blazed high over the mountain. Spring had finally taken hold, and the fields were speckled with pink, yellow, and purple. The sweet smell of the wild flowers glided though the air.

        Christina could have lost herself in this new world. "Nina?" she called. Walking down the driveway and around the side of the house, she called again, "Nina? Where are-" Her mouth hung open in astonishment. Her family stood in front of her, smiling. Even Boris was there. Behind them, was her car, looking as clean and polished as she had ever seen it.

        Christina put her hand to her mouth and gasped, "How?"

        Misha beamed at the girl and motioned to her son. "Ask Andrei," she said.

        Christina went to Andrei and looked up into his eyes.

        Andrei scratched the back of his neck with his large hand. "After you went to bed," he explained, "I went to see Conrad."

        "In the middle of the night?"

        Andrei nodded. "I convinced him to let me work on your car."

        "You fixed it? How is that even possible- Mr. Conrad didn't even have the parts."

        "Oh those," Andrei laughed, "I picked them up this morning. Two hours there, two hours back. Piece of cake."

        Christina grabbed her cousin and held him tightly. "I can't believe you did that," she said.

        Andrei laughed and patted her on the back.

        When Christina let go, she couldn't suppress her wide smile. A look of doubt crossed her face. She asked, "How did you get Mr. Conrad to let you near my car?" Christina's eyes went wide. "Oh my God, did you ... hurt him?"

        Andrei broke out into a hearty laugh. "No, of course not." He shot a glance at the barn and then looked back to his cousin. He explained, "Conrad is now the owner of a pretty nice desk."

        A single tear streamed down Christina's face and she held her cousin gently. "Oh Andrei. Thank you so much."

        Nina chimed in, "And I cleaned it for you."

        Christina released Andrei and took Nina's hand. She looked into her car; it had never looked better.

        Nina pointed at a pile of boxes and Tupperware in the back. "And Mom made you food for your trip back home."

        Christina looked back at her aunt who was smiling lovingly.

        Alek held out an envelope in his hand. "I made reservations. You are not to drive all day again," he said sternly. "You will leave today, and drive the rest of the way tomorrow."

        Christina took the envelope and looked inside. It contained handwritten directions to a motel and several hundred dollars in cash.

        "Oh, Uncle Alek, I couldn't-"

        "You can, and you will. That is final."

        Christina nodded as she whispered, "Yes sir."

        "And," her uncle added, "You will call us when you get to your room, and you will call us on Sunday when you are home."

        "Yes sir," Christina repeated.

        More tears fell from Christina's eyes. Her aunt reached up and held the girl's cheek in her palm. "Don't cry, Tina."

        "I'm sorry," Christina said as she smiled through her tears. "Nobody has ever done anything like this for me. I don't think there's anything I could ever do to pay you back."

        "You can child," Misha whispered, "Return to us."

        Christina nodded, "I will. I promise."

        Her uncle's booming voice broke the spell, "The rest of you can stand in the driveway all day, but I am going inside for lunch."

        The family followed Alek into the side door and sat down for their last meal together before Christina left for home. Christina helped Nina clean the kitchen while Misha prepared lunch for the family.

        It wasn't long before they were again sitting around the table together. Christina didn't speak much during the meal, content to eat quietly and enjoy the warmth of her family's love. Christina had hidden herself from these people. It wasn't her clothes, or pretending to be a girl. She'd kept herself emotionally at arms' length. These people had welcomed her into their home, but she was realizing she had just considered them temporary. Now, she sat in contentment and watched these wonderful people, not as an outsider, but as one of their own. She knew they loved her, and she allowed herself to bask in that love. The feeling of bliss needed no words. She wasn't sure how or when she would be able to keep her promise to return, but she vowed in her heart that she would.

        After lunch was finished, Alek stood up and announced to the family, "Before our dear Christina leaves us, there is one thing that must be rectified." Alek left the kitchen and went to the master bedroom. When he returned he was carrying an old 35mm camera. "We must have pictures to add to our walls."

        The family went outside and took many pictures. Christina posed with each of her relatives and in various groups. There were pictures of just the women, pictures of Christina with the men, pictures where she posed with her car, with Boris, and even one where Andrei lifted her off the ground in his arms. Christina was beyond the embarrassment of being a girl. She embraced her identity as a Levchenko, and she smiled with more brightness than in any picture that had ever been taken of her before.

        Christina would have liked to stay all day, but her uncle insisted that she leave early so she wouldn't have to drive at night. She finally said her final goodbyes to her family and got into her car. She watched them in the rear view mirror until she got to the end of the long gravel driveway. She left Oak Grove by the twisting mountain road where her ordeal had started. Somehow in the daylight, even the memory of her crash seemed to fade.

        She drove for hours. It felt strange to be driving. She'd grown accustomed to having one of the men drive her around. She even missed the feeling of Nina sitting in her lap.

        When she arrived at the motel, she found that the front desk had been waiting for a certain Miss Christina Chase, who had lost her driver's license. Alek had made all the arrangements and Christina had no trouble checking in. She took her suitcase, and some of the food that Misha had made from her car. She had also grown accustomed to one of the men carrying her bags. She didn't want to admit it, but she missed being pampered.

        Once she was settled in her room, she phoned home to let her family know she was safe. Everyone wanted to speak to her and she felt loved, even though she was separated from her family by a great distance.

        After she had something to eat, Christina went to the bathroom to wash off her makeup and use the toilet. It wasn't until she was wiping between her legs that she realized she no longer had to use the toilet like a girl. Christina could feel the momentum of her feminine imprisonment declining, but decided she was not yet ready to become Christopher Chase again. Picking through her suitcase, she removed the sexy chemise that Nina had picked out for her, stripped naked and put it on.

        After she crawled into bed, she stared at the ceiling. It wasn't as comfortable as the bed she had slept in last night, but it was still far better than the one waiting at her apartment. She contemplated the events of the week. She'd gone from being Christopher, who was unhappy, practically an orphan, to Christina- beloved niece. She couldn't help but smile as her mind filtered out all the stress and fear, feeling only the enduring memories of love and acceptance. She fell asleep and dreamed of walking barefoot on the mountain through the wildflowers.

 

        When she woke, Chris sat up in bed and was struck by the blandness of her motel room. She waited, half expecting to hear Nina's voice or see Boris' head poke through the door. Had it all been a dream? Pulling pulled back the covers, she saw that she was wearing her yellow chemise. There was no reason she should have worn that last night, yet she had.

        She decided that she'd get an early start. Stepping out of bed and sliding out of her chemise, she went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. Pausing for a moment, she stood up, realizing that she was now free to stop acting like a girl. yet as she stood and urinated into the toilet, for some reason, she felt ashamed. She felt as though she was breaking some law. It was weird.

        She flushed the toilet and took a long, hot shower. After her shower, she brushed her teeth and dried her hair. She studied her face in the mirror. She decided that she wasn't going to wear makeup today, not that she needed it to be recognized as a girl.

        Chris finished styling her hair and left the bathroom. She pulled her heavy suitcase onto the bed and rifled through her clothes. The suitcase contained some of her girl clothes, but was filled mostly with boy's attire. She picked up a pair of her boxer shorts and thought things over. It would be problematic if she checked out as a boy after having checked in as Christina.

        She put her old underwear back into the suitcase and took out a pair of white cotton panties. Today she was finally going to wear her new jeans. She got dressed and put on her girls' tennis shoes. She was still dressed like a girl, but at least she didn't have to be in a skirt. Somehow that made things feel a little more normal. Her cotton bra and panties were still very much feminine undergarments, but that couldn't be helped. She didn't wear her cincher. This made her waist wider than she'd been used to. The odd thing was, it didn't look like her waist had gone back to normal. She looked in the mirror and she swore that she could still see some faint, girlish curves, deciding that It must be the poor lighting in the bathroom.

        Once she was dressed, Chris carried all of her things back to her car and checked out at the front desk. When things were settled she got into her car and was about to put the keys in the ignition, when she decided to make a call before getting back on the road.

        She dialed the number for the family grocery store and was delighted when her uncle picked up the phone. "Hello Uncle Alek," she said with glee.

        "Christina, my girl!"

        "I was just about to get on the road, so I'm calling to let you know."

         Alek's approving tone warmed her like a hug. "Good. It's best to get an early start. I don't like you driving on those highways, and it is better to drive them during the day. Take your time, and call us if you need anything."

        Chris had not been instructed to call before leaving, but she already missed her uncle. She craved his paternal affection.

        "I will, Uncle Alek," she giggled. "Give everyone my love."

        Chris made a kissing noise into her phone then said goodbye. As she put her phone into her purse, she paused for a moment. She wondered, did she actually just make a kissing noise at the phone? That was very weird.

        As she drove, Chris reflected on everything that happened this week. It seemed that as each mile passed, Christina Chase felt further away. She saw her manicured nails on the steering wheel; suddenly they seemed very out of place.

        It was mid afternoon when Chris got home. As she parked her car in her space behind her building, she looked around, searching the area for anyone who might recognize the skinny kid from the sixth floor.

        There was no one in sight, so she got out of her car and walked across the street to the Handi-Mart, keeping her head down so that her hair obscured her face on both sides. Trying her best to avoid making eye contact with the other customers, she grabbed a pair of sunglasses and a hair scrunchie, then went to the counter. When the cashier never even bothered to look at her she was reminded of Oak Grove's small town appeal, realizing that It was likely that she could wander her building with impunity. Probably no one would question her presence or even notice that she was there. Still, she couldn't take that chance.

        Chris left the store and took her purchases out of the bag. Using the store's window as a mirror, she pulled her hair back into the scrunchie, fussed with her hair for a bit, then slid on her new sunglasses.

        With her new disguise in place, she went back across the street to her apartment building, slipped quietly in through the front door and started climbing the many flights of stairs to her apartment. She kept her head down as she exited the stairwell. A man walking though the hallway took little notice of her.

        Chris shot glances to either side when she reached her door. She took her keys out of her purse and quickly entered her apartment. As she closed and locked her door behind her, she was immediately struck by just how empty her apartment felt. She longed for her new home in Oak Grove. She missed being greeted when she walked into a room.

        Chris put her purse down on her computer desk and went into her bedroom, where she stripped naked and laid her female clothes on her bed. What the Hell was she supposed to do with them, she wondered.

         Putting on the first pair of male underwear in almost a week, Chris walked to the closet and selected a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. His clothes felt unusually rough, especially on his bare legs. He went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Did he still look like a girl? The person he saw in the mirror appeared male from the neck down, but the face was wrong. The flirty hairstyle, the delicately tweezed eyebrows, and the smooth face, still read "girl."

        Chris sighed. This was going to be harder than he thought. Running to his computer desk, he grabbed the sunglasses and scrunchie, then sprinted back to the bathroom and pulled his hair back and slid on the glasses. The sunglasses didn't hide his eyebrows, but they might divert some attention. The scrunchie was also a temporary solution. Chris definitely looked more like himself, but it was going to take a haircut, and time for his eyebrows to grow back before Christina Chase was entirely gone. He disliked the idea of getting his hair cut. His long hair started out as an act of defiance against his stepfather, but it had grown into what he considered his look. It didn't matter; it all had to go. Chris couldn't wait for the curls in his hair to relax.

        It took Chris several trips up and down the stairs to carry everything up from the car. He put all of Misha's food in the refrigerator.

        He still wasn't sure what to do with his new clothes. He spread them out over his bed and looked at them though they were foreign objects. Should he get rid of it all? Maybe he could sell them at a thrift store. He eventually put his panties in with his male underwear and hung his girl clothes in the closet. He couldn't keep them there, as though they belonged, but he would figure out the details later. It was very strange to see girls' clothes in the closet again, because they weren't Amy's dresses, they were his. It was too bizarre for words.

        He really should just throw all of his new clothes out right now. There was no way he would ever wear them again. His time as Christina Chase was already beginning to seem like a distant dream. It was as though he was thinking of some other person's memories, and they felt somehow less real. As he reflected on how he had acted when he was Christina, it seemed utterly alien.

        Chris again went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He took off his shirt and examined his body. He'd always been a tall and thin kid, but no one had ever mistaken him for a girl. He felt the sting of embarrassment return. Why hadn't they seen him as a boy? He looked at his small hands. There was nothing inherently feminine in them, though the manicure certainly didn't help his case.

        Chris put his sweatshirt back on and made a mental plan. He would start off with getting a haircut. He vowed to start working out. Maybe he could join a gym, or buy some weights. He looked down at his nails and chewed on them until they became rough. That was a start. No one was ever going to mistake him for a girl, ever again.

        But how could he visit the Levchenkos again? He missed them, but there was no way he was ever again going to dress up like a girl. He wondered if there was some way he could visit his family as a boy. Maybe he could be Christina's brother? Or maybe he could be another distant cousin or something? There was no way he could see how it could work. They'd recognize him in an instant. The truth was, Christina, not Christopher, was a part of the Levchenkos' lives.

        Chris lost his train of thought when he heard his cell phone ring. He rushed to his purse and took out the phone. He made a mental note to take all of his things out of his purse as part of his plan to reclaim his maleness.

        He opened the phone and said, "Hello?"

        "Christina, it's getting late! Where are you?" It was his uncle.

        Chris felt a shock at being referred to as "Christina" again. He looked outside and noticed that the sun was going down. He'd forgotten to call his uncle and let him know that he arrived home safely.

        "Hey, Uncle Alek," Chris said as he tried to play the part of Christina. "I ... uh ... just walked in the door."

        "Just now?"

        "Yeah ... there was traffic. You know how highways are." Chris felt unbearably awkward talking to his uncle.

        "I don't like you driving on those dangerous roads. I am happy that you are safe though. Would you like to talk to your Aunt?"

        "Oh I would love too," Chris said, desperately trying to end the conversation, "But I'm ... I'm knocked out from all that driving, so-"

        "Of course," Alek said in a fatherly tone, "You can speak to her later. And next time you visit, you are to take the bus."

        "Right ... I mean, yes sir." Chris said goodbye to his uncle and hung up the phone. The protective attention that he had been reveling in this morning, now felt disquieting and out of place. It demonstrated just how complicated the situation with his family had become. There was no way he could visit them as a boy, it would turn all of the relationships inside out. Chris sighed and wondered if it would be possible to see his family ever again.

        When Chris' land line rang, he went to see who it was. He picked up the phone, sighing when he realized it was his mother.

        "Hey Mom," Chris said, disguising his annoyance, "What's up."

        "Hi Honey. How did your trip go?"

        This was how she operated. They would get in a fight, and then she would call a week later as though it had never happened. Nothing ever got better; old arguments were just left unresolved.

        "I had car problems and the whole thing kinda fell though." Chris was not eager to get into any of the details.

        "That's too bad. Did you meet your father's relatives? Were they strange and backward? You know how immigrants are."

        Chris could feel his blood boil. The Levchenkos were remarkable people. They were kind and giving, and he loved them. They had shown Chris more love in just one week than his mother had shown him in years. He wanted to tell her all of these things, but he had to keep the details of last week a secret. Chris held his tongue and said, "The address you gave me was old. They don't live there anymore."

        "Oh well, it was twenty years old. I told you not to get your hopes up. So where did you sleep?"

        "It doesn't matter," Chris snapped, "I told you, it all fell though." He stopped himself and thought about how he felt about his mother. Deep down, he still cared for her, and this last week had taught him a lot about the importance of family. "Mom," Chris asked, "Why don't you come and stay with me for a while?"

        "What?" she said in a shocked tone.

        "You know, I miss you."

        "Well," her mother said in a softer tone, "You can always come home."

        Chris grumbled, "Mom, that house, is not my home."

        His mother's voice filled with disdain. "Oh I see where this is going, you want me to leave your stepfather again, is that it?"

        "No Mom, I just thought you and I could spend some time together. Just us."

        "Well you can forget it. You have to learn that Danny is a part of this family, and that's not going to change because you don't get along with him."

        "Jesus Mom!" Chris screamed. "The man treated me like shit!"

        "You know, you're not the easiest person to live with. Did you ever stop to think how your petty bickering made me feel?"

        Chris' bottom lip started to quiver and he clenched his jaw. "Mom, he beat me."

        "Aren't you being a little dramatic Chris? As I recall, you started that fight."

        "Yeah, that's right I did. I was standing up for myself. I was standing up for you, too. And I did take a swing at him. I started a fight, but we didn't have a fight. He beat me. I was a kid, and he was a grown man, and he beat me until I couldn't get up."

        "Danny has a bad temper, but you can't put all the blame on him." His mother shot back.

        Chris felt some tears form in his eyes, but he quickly wiped them away. Chris cleared his throat and said, "Mom, I don't think we should talk anymore."

        He hung up the phone and shuffled into his bedroom. He threw himself down on his bed, feeling a loose spring in his old mattress dig into his back.

        Chris was once again, alone.

---

Edited into coherence by Holly H. Hart.
Hope you enjoyed it. If you liked it or hated it, please leave a tasty comment.
Krunch Away!