I have a very momentous decision to make. Should I go on living the lie I am living now and be what my family and society expects me to be or should I start my life anew and be who I know I really am.
To make my situation perfectly clear, I was born what appeared to be a perfectly normal boy. I was given cars and trucks to play with as a toddler, but what I preferred to play with was my doll that I convinced my mother to get me. I would have liked to get doll houses, tea sets and toy ovens among other things, of course what I got was toy guns and other masculine toys, especially after my younger brother came along.
I loved to use bath towels as dresses and to emulate long hair. I was very effeminate in behavior. I preferred to play with the other girls and usually had to be forced to play with boys. If I did play with boys it was usually with one or two at the most. I did not understand them and they did not understand me either. Boys were usually more rough and tumble than I preferred. I loved to be gentle and quiet. I got along better with girls as I could understand them. I loved to play house with them, except that when they wanted me to play the father or a male role, I would tell them I wanted to be a daughter. I guess I had to play at being a male enough in my life that in playing games I wanted to be the female that I knew I was.
From the time I was three I knew I should have been a girl as the things they did were what I wanted to do. I had no interest in my toy cars and trucks, matter of fact when my younger brother got them, they were in nearly mint condition. My older brother did his best to try to toughen me up and make a man out of me. Why couldn't they just see that I wasn't a man and let me be the girl I was? Why do we focus on the physical body and ignore the gender of the person? Why can't people accept that some girls are born with penises and some boys are born without? Why do we try to force transgendered people to live to the societal roles of their physical body and not to who they are inside?
I remember being around three years old and walking on the balls of my bare feet pretending that I was walking in high-heels. When my friends and I played dressed up, I would ignore the mens' clothes and dress up in the skirts, dresses and high-heeled shoes of the women. I have always seen myself as first a girl then a woman and have to remind myself that I am physically a male when filling out forms and such.
My mother always encouraged me, when visiting on a Sunday, to stay in the kitchen with the women, which was fine with me since I loved to hear the gossip and had no use for football which was what the men were watching. As you can see, I don't have too many masculine bones in my body. I preferred floral sheets and blankets, which my younger brother hated when we shared a room.
I remember the strange looks I would get from people because I always acted on the feminine side. I vowed at an early age to try to be myself always, but I did deny my gender issues to myself and others. I tried to fit in as a guy as much as I could even though I had no interest in girls, cars and sports.
In school, I was pretty much a loner as I did not feel like I belonged anywhere. I was content to sit and read a book whenever I could.
I guess I better go and tell my family that I have decided to live my life as a woman. I hope that they can accept me and love me for who I really am.
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