Even while I'm sitting here, I don't know what to write. I don't know what to say or how to say it. Everything is so confusing and so much has happened that I don't even have any idea of where to start. Or how to say this. I guess, maybe I should start at the beginning.
I remember my sixteenth birthday two weeks ago. I was really excited and hoped that you'd give me a car like Bobby's mom did when he turned 16. And of course, there was my license. I'd finally have a license and could drive myself. I'd finally be able to ask Julie on a date and not have to worry about being embarrassed by asking for a ride. But as you know, that wasn't what happened. It wasn't a car that you gave me...
You smiled when you came in with a cake and I could tell that something was up. I just thought that it was because you were going to give me cool present though. At first I didn't even notice that there was pink frosting and candles on my cake, and was pretty startled when I did. You just smiled at me and told me to blow out the candles. Now I wish to God that I hadn't.
As soon as I blew out the candles, I remembered the strange pink cloud coming out of them. I remember the sudden tingling in my entire body and the pain as I started to change. I remember how scared and confused I was. But even more, I remembered the look in your eyes. I remember how excited you were... I remember you laughing.
I know that I don't have to tell you that I changed. You were there. You saw it. And though I didn't realize it at first, you caused it. A minute after I'd blown out my candles, my whole body was completely different. It had changed. I had changed. I was...I was a girl. You even laughed when I freaked out and grabbed at myself in confusion. You have no idea what it's like suddenly going from being a normal guy to being a girl. What it's like to suddenly growing a pair of tits. To loosing a cock and getting a... God, I have one and I can't even say it.
You tried calming me down, and once I was a little, you told me that you'd done it. I was shocked and confused. I can remember it clearly. I can remember you calling me Danielle instead of Dan, telling me that you'd always wanted a daughter and were happy that you had one now. I was too shocked to know what to say, so I could only sit there while you told me about that witch you got that spell from. While you told me how happy you were to give me 'the best present ever' for my birthday. About how happy you were that I was no longer a boy. You even said 'boy' like it was a bad word. All I could do was sit there...and feel hurt.
I remember the rest of the day, how you kept calling me Danielle. How you kept insisting that I was the way I always should have been. That I'd get used to it. That I'd love it. That I'd be happy and thank you for changing me. I didn't believe you, but you kept insisting.
When I went to my bedroom, I remember how shocked I was to find it a girls room instead. It had been completely redecorated. You'd already thrown out almost everything that I had. All of my clothes...all of my sports posters...all of my sports equipment...and all of the trophies that I'd worked so hard to earn. Even my lucky baseball that was signed by my favorite player was gone. Gone to the dump you said.
Things didn't get any better for me. You made me wear dresses and skirts, even though I hated them. Even though I felt humiliated having to even look like a girl in the first place. But I didn't have any other kind of clothes. All you'd given me was that kind. Not even a pair of pants.
Then you sent me to that new school, insisting that I'd make friends and be on the cheerleading squad in no time. I didn't want either though. I just wanted my old life...my old friends. The ones I couldn't see anymore. The ones you told I was dead. And when I ran into my best friend Bobby...he just tried to hit on me and ask me for a date. I knew then that even if I could tell him...if I could tell any of them and get them to believe me...it would never be the same. Never.
I'm sorry about all of the smudges on this letter and hope that they don't make it too hard to read. I accidentally got a bunch of tears on it while writing. They come out so much easier now...
I tried to get used to what had happened to me, but I couldn't. So you sent me to see that shrink, the one who was supposed to make me accept it. She tried...and so did I, but it just wasn't working. I know that I smiled and said that I was getting used to it...but I lied.
My friends are gone, all thinking that I'm dead in a car crash because that's what you told them. I've tried making new friends at my school, but I just couldn't. To all of the guys, I'm just a girl to ask out or try to sleep with. And even though you made me look like them, I don't fit in with the girls. I don't feel right with them. I don't belong there.
I really liked...maybe even loved Julie. I'd planned on asking her out...on dating her. I'd even dreamed about asking her to marry me one day. About having a family of my own with her... But this can't happen now.
Next year, I was going to try out for the school football team. I wanted to play so bad that I could almost taste it. I was good and getting better. I'd even dreamed of one day getting a scholarship to college...and maybe even going to the NFL. Now, all of my plans for the future are gone. All of my dreams are gone.
Every time I look into the mirror, I see a stranger staring back. It's not my face and never will be. My whole body feels...wrong, and every movement just rubs that in. It's not my body. Not anymore. I'm a stranger in my own skin. I'm trapped inside this stupid alien body...feeling so alone...so scared.
How could you do this to me? You said that you did it because you loved me, but how can you do something like this to a person you love? To your own son? You betrayed me...you hurt me so badly that I can't even put it into words. Now I know the truth. I know that you never really wanted a son...that you never wanted me. That you never even loved me.
You've taken away everything that I ever had or loved. You stole sports from me... You stole my friends from me. My future...my life. EVERYTHING! You've even stolen me from me. I don't even know who I am anymore...or what I am. Except for confused...lonely...scared...betrayed and angry. All I know for sure now is that I can not live like this anymore.
This letter is the hardest thing I've ever written and I wish that I had the courage to tell you what I feel to your face. And while I write this letter, I'm staring at the gun beside me. The gun that's going to end my suffering, as soon as I finish this last, final goodbye.
No more love or kisses.....Dan
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