Jem...Chapter 30 Part 3

Printer-friendly version

Author: 

Audience Rating: 

Publication: 

Genre: 

Character Age: 

TG Elements: 

TG Themes: 

Other Keywords: 

Permission: 

Jem…Chapter 30 part 3

*To the readers. There’s a song here that I’m dedicating to everyone here that’s ever lost someone from Cancer. To those that have lived through it or might yet have to face that down themselves. But also this song was written for My Jonelle and especially for her sister. This was too long to put in the tags so…

Love You Jo.

………………………………..........................................................................................

I wasn’t expecting to actually be as happy at telling Mike the truth as I was feeling. I know that I still like him and I think that he likes me too I mean he’s still sort of looking at me and he’s still checking me out and everything but at the same time there’s this sort of vibe going on with him and with Brooklyn that I’m sort of picking up.

Or not with this kinda of being one of those rare days where she’s had some positive male attention really.

I mean that I get it sort of. I know that since starting out as Angel I’ve been really trying to see my life and how I react to people from this side of the bra. So I sort of get that women have this thing about their fathers for the most part and that the way it should be is that no what every little girl should have the love and care and support of her daddy.

Raven’s lost hers through her family being complete assholes and Brooklyn’s father sounds like a sadistic douche bag that I want to test out my next pair of spiked heels on.

I’ve only got one, it’s only fair that I should share that experience with guys like him and Adam.

Anyways y’know what I mean. Brooklyn and even Kimmie had this really great experience today with the guys treating them right for a change. For Brook it was attention without pain or emotional pain as a side order and Kimmie it was just plainly getting some attention. I still don’t know all of the stories but I think as busy as he sounded and as uptight Kim got treated like part of the furniture when she was home.

But it’s just like I said from this side of the bar being allowed to just drop the guy social stuff between men not that I’m hating on that there’s some seriously needed stuff in that guys have to be tough thing.

Okay…I can almost hear people arguing about this but a real guy is supposed to be a stand up guy that is the supporting beam in the family, the go to guy that makes things right or he’ll walk through that fire with you. He’ll teach you how to man up to do things you don’t want to do or are hard to do because you have to do them…be strong, be loving, be honorable.

It doesn’t work because while there’s lots of sperm donors out there there’s not enough real fathers or Dad’s out there. So there’s no one to teach guys what really matters anymore or just too damn few.

Honestly, it’s why I’ve never bowed down to Adam. I’ve always wanted to be one of those guys.

Now I’m being one of those girls? Hell if I have to be a girl right now then yeah I want to be one of those girls.

But like what I was saying.

As much as I like and respect that one of those guys thing. I’m grabbing onto that girls love they’re daddy perk with all my strength and both hands because he’s the only parent I’ve got left.

Guys, show love differently but I’m not letting this chance slide because I was caught in a macho bullshit head game.

Oh yeah BTW, real men aren’t “Macho” they don’t have to be. If a guy is a real man like one of “Those guys” he doesn’t have to do or act like anything. People will just respect him for who he is and guys around him will want to be like him just so they’ll be better men.

There’s actually three of them here right now.

Dad of course passing things and talking and thanking all of us that cooked and helped with little hugs and kisses on the cheeks and honest looks of enjoying all of it. Dad almost was doing that…what’s the equivalent of when women glow when they’re happy and content?

Beaming…he’s actually beaming as he’s carving the turkey and passing who wants what to who.

But we’re all like that and we’re laughing and talking about just stuff all over again and I eat way too much and so does everyone I think. There’s just enough turkey left for a good mess of sandwiches and the gravy…Mike and Mitch did that thing where you’re just pouring gravy on a plate it’s that good and then using homemade bread to mop it up with and of course Kimmie had to try that at least once and Brooklyn actually eats like she’s totally at home with everyone that was way cool.

Raven though really surprised me with her eating as much as she did. It’s funny and sort of reminds me of my Mom when she laid claim to both of the turkey wings and she had some turkey but she stole that piece of turkey skin where the cavity is between the breast up where the neck should come out…yeah you know that spot that gets all crispy and crunchy.

She had some of everything and smiled these smiles that where pure pleasure smiles. I love watching her eat…I love the way that she eats. It’s for me honestly when a woman eats to really enjoy something she gets this just kind of thing about them when she does that.

Mike even looked at her. “You’re actually eating and not picking at it?”

“It’s too good not to really enjoy it and besides Sunday dinners are different.”

“Different how?”

“It’s Sunday; God’ll protect you from the calories.”

That got us laughing and right up to about time for deserts so I start to clear off the table and The girls help me and pretty much as soon as I’m in the kitchen I blurt out. “I came out, I told Mike.”

Raven and Kim are all. “Oh crap, oh shit, how’d he take it?”

I turn to look at Brooklyn who was right there and she looks at me and her eye go huge and she slaps he hands over her face and blurts out. “I Kissed Mike!”

……………………………….

……………………………….

……………………………….

Then Kimmie breaks the silence with. “Bree? How could you do that to Susan?”

………………………………...

I have no idea why but we just sat there doing that blinking and looking at each other before exploding into laughter. I mean I have a thing for Mike and then there’s all this drama ‘cause I’m not a girl but I’m a girl that he likes and then I tell him and then the pressures off and I sort of still like him but now Brooklyn says that she kissed him. And all the drama that might be there now…

It’s either we laugh or we start crying and as soon as the laughs die off a bit I’m hugging her.

“Okay…I’ll get the coffee on and you tell me what happened.”

Raven and Kim are. “No….you tell all of us what happened.”

Mike comes in with a few things that were left from the dining room table and him saying. “Uhm girls I don’t mean to be a pest but we were kind of wondering if you could put on maybe a pot of coffee with desert?”

We all turn and look at him.

“So you Kissed Brooklyn huh?” Raven gives him that dark sort of punker Goth chick thing. “You make a pass at Angel then you’re locking lips with her best friend?”

“Uhm…okay I’m not going to bother you ….girls so I’ll just…..”

Mike beats a hasty retreat. Karate/Kung-fu fighter that he is escaping for women intent on whatever he’s dreamed up we’d do to him in his head.

God that’s kind of fun.

The Brooklyn’s looking at me and at Raven. “Well I actually kissed him you guys.”

I nod and we start doing that post meal clean up and talking thing and even still nibbling thing as Brooklyn goes over the stuff that they talked about. Yeah…all of it. And I’m quiet and Raven’s quiet and we’re sort of thinking and stewing in our own mental juices a bit when I realize that she’s done talking and looking sort of freaked and scared.

And Raven’s looking at me.

I give Brooklyn a big hug. “Mike’s a descent guy and I think that’s why I like him. There’s a lot of me that’s really into that. As a guy that’s the type of person that I wanted to be…but since being Angel I’m seeing him in a very different way…”

Raven’s. “But…”

“No, no Buts, I’m serious since I’ve started being Jem and Angel I’ve really put my self in the place of who the heck I’d be if I wasn’t raised a guy. And if I couldn’t actually be the guy that I’ve always wanted to be like this then there was no way that I couldn’t try and be that girl.”

“That Girl?” Raven’s looking at me.

I look back and meet her eyes and just…I don’t know just open up inside to her, to all three of them.

“Yeah, That Girl…The girl that’s just herself as much as she wants to be. That girl that loves her friends and her family, who wants to love as much as she wants to be loved and just doesn’t hold back what’s inside of her.”

“Oh…” I’m not sure what’s going on in her head right now but she’s just staring at me and it seems like a long time. “Uhm I’ll take the guys their coffees…” she get the coffee pot and the sugar and creamer and she quickly heads off like I scared her.

I might have scared her.

I think I’ve scared myself.

I look at the other two. “Brooklyn if you like Mike then it’s cool with me. I like Mike but for the same and different reasons right?”

She nods.

“Then it’s okay, besides I’m honestly not sure if I could handle actually being with a guy right now. I mean I sort or think or have sort of thought about that stuff but not now, not with Mike as much as I’m attracted to him.”

“But…but…”

“You have a nice butt, I’m sure that he’s noticed.”

“Angel!” she turns beet red and Kimmie and I chuckle at her getting all flustered then we start doing the dishes together.

…………………………………………………It takes awhile before we’re done and Mike gives me this look when Brooklyn goes over to him and asks if they could take a walk. I give him a nod and a shooing motion and they leave and Kimmie goes over and sits on the couch with Mitch and leans on him using him as a pillow as we start looking through the TV for something to veg out to as we let the turkey do it’s work.

I actually curl up on the other side of it and lean on Dad while doing this and snuggle my feet with Kim’s through the first show of Storage Wars. I hear Raven out back in the porch playing and I get up and I go and slip down the hall quietly and watch and listen.

**Raven……………..

Honestly I’ve never met anyone that makes me feel things like Angel does. I haven’t and it hurts so damned much really because she’s not a real girl.

But aren’t people just people? Aren’t we supposed to look past all that stuff on the surface?

I can’t get her out of my head and even that night with Jessy was bullshit because as great as it was and as hot and steamy as she gets and as much as I really, really wanted her then.

It didn’t stop me from calling out “Angel!” when we were together. So yeah…I kind of faked the results of that night of me and her together because as free spirited as Jess is…she dumped me out of her bed and I left.

And then came Mike.

I’ve never felt sort of hurt like that and jealous too. I get why Angel would be attracted to him with what she said in the kitchen. And I think that I get what she’s saying about who she wants to be. And there’s something there, there’s still something there despite that whole her really being a guy thing scaring the crap out of me.

Most of the guys in my life were guys at school or home and they were the guys that were just guys. Run of the mill into sports and cars worked on the farm or out on the rigs and other stuff…it’s not like they’re bad people, I like them fine as friends but the though of sex…with a guy really…it’s scary…and then…realizing that I wasn’t just freaked by being with guys but the thought of being with another girl just…

But god…even knowing Angel wasn’t…

She pulls you in that much.

Hell she is “That girl”

So I got scared and I chickened out of that talk and headed here to write and play and think.

So part of what I’m thinking was…what if she was a GG and she was straight and I still liked her that much.

Then….

Well I’m me and there’s a reason why I go by Raven and that’s because sometimes I think too much. I think too much in the wrong directions. I do that almost like there’s this fucking part of me so damned warped it just doesn’t want me to get too happy. I get into these black... life sucking, heart sucking moods where it just hurts sometimes.

I really, really hope nobody actually ever understands that.

I hate that about me and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone…even Summer.

But those thoughts led me to this really dark spot in that conversation of what if’s I was having with myself and that was.

Just what would I do if I lost her?

Angel…Jason…There’s no cure for cancer, it goes away sort of it goes into remission but they won’t even call it that until you’ve been cancer free for a few years or something.

You ever have that thought so bad it’s like you’ve stabbed yourself.

I literally curled up looking out the porch windows holding onto my coffee mug with both hands like it was my life raft.

Then I started writing and then playing as I had to get the hurt out and the fear out of me and maybe get to where maybe something else could come in?

The first song I wrote and started playing to exercise this hurt is…

*Oncology*

Let me sit close to you to say goodbye…
Don’t mind the tears here in my eyes…
Because they’re not sad tears…
Because I love you…
I’ll love you forever…

(Chorus)
Let’s savor the times we had together!
Savor those words we pledged forever!
We both still have love, we still have love!
It can’t take that! It can’t touch that!

Let me sing to you a lullaby.
It’s one last song, it’s one last try…
To see that light, to see that smile…
Baby I need this.
I hate all this suffering….

(Chorus)

Oh close your eyes and rest your head.
On the cool steel of that hospital bed…
You look too tired yet so serene…
You can let go…
Let our tears flow…

Let’s talk together one on one…
About all the things we’ve seen and done…
And all those good things…those great big little things.
Before it became…
Before our life with cancer…

(Chorus)

(Chorus)

Hey; We’re not over, we’re not done…
There’s one more shot, there’s one more try…
Because I’ll see you, forever after…forever after…
In that sunshine…
I’ll be there…
Just wait for me…

**Angel………………………….

Okay…first she sounds like Feist but dark…almost like a mix of her and Amy Lee from Evanescence.

My heart is in my throat right now and I’m leaning hard on the wall in the dark tears streaming down my face because of this…this…it hurts to breathe…I can’t really swallow just there’s just so much feeling there that.

It was like a kiss to your soul…you ever really think just how…It was a kiss to my soul…

Right on that spot inside that wakes me up crying at night sometimes…right in that place in the back of my head that says it just might come back. That scared little kid crying…I don’t want to die….No one’s touched that before…not like that…never like that.

She wipes some tears away from the corners of her eyes and runs her fingers through her hair and she takes another notepad and sets it in front of her. And she starts to play again. This ones faster, more of a girl version of a Brian Adams tune. She sort of sounds deeper smokier but more rocker chick with this one.

“Forever and Always…” She says quietly to the crowd that’s not there.

I want to be heard.
But I scream without sound.
I keep myself hidden.
But I want to be found.

I want to cry on a shoulder.
I want to be held tight.
Oh I want my always!
I want my forever!

(Chorus)

Oh! Will it be you!?
My Eternity!
Are you the one that can hear me!?
Are you the one that can see me!?
Oh do you love me!?
Can you love me!?

I want to know I’m not worthless.
I wanna know how to smile.
I want to feel normal!
I wanna feel something!

(Chorus.)

(1rst verse again.)

(Chorus.)

(2nd verse again.)

(Chorus.)

Oh my Forever and always!
My Eternity….

It’s so strange, I’m nodding my head to this song while I’m still wiping tears from my eyes from that first one and this one’s good. It’s a good club or album rock styled tune and we need a few more of those.

But…

But everything.

I walk in quietly and over Raven who has that look…this look…just played something so emotional…then rocked out…and there’s that flush mixed with the red rimmed eyes and her perfectly sorta messy midnight hair and the glasses.

And

But Everything.

I lean down and reach down to where she’s sitting and I tilt her chin up and I kiss her. I just kiss her softly, slowly over and over lipstick on lip gloss…my pink hair falling down like…it doesn’t matter…

She’s kissing me back.

Time slows and it feels so good, better than good…hurts so good…

We break the kiss and there’s tears there from both of us and I sit down in the corner of the couch/sofa and pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them while I rest my head on my knees.

“Raven?” (Sniffle.)

(Sniffle.) “Yes?”

“Play that first one again?” (Sniffle.)

(Sniffle.) “Okay…it’s called Oncology”

I nod. (Sniffle.)

“I wrote it because I’m terrified of losing you.”

She starts to play and I just watch her playing, and singing to me as the tears are flowing so hard right now…

up
318 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

I'm like Raven.

"Well I’m me and there’s a reason why I go by Raven and that’s because sometimes I think too much. I think too much in the wrong directions. I do that almost like there’s this fucking part of me so damned warped it just doesn’t want me to get too happy. I get into these black... life sucking, heart sucking moods where it just hurts sometimes.

I really, really hope nobody actually ever understands that."

Sorry to tell you, Raven. I understand, because I do the exact same thing.

And the song? I wept. nothing more I can say.

DogSig.png

Sis I hear you!!

Pamreed's picture

Oh Dorthy I just want to hug you and hold you!! I know just what you are saying!!
I have those black thoughts myself and wonder how I will ever get out of them!!
I think it is a part of being trans, with most of socity not only not accepting
us but wishing evil things to happen to us!! It can drag you down at times!!
And I am in a lot better place then a lot of my sisters and brothers.
So if you need to talk message me!! Hey I might not be able to fix things,
but I can listen!!

A big hug to you and all my sisters and brothers here on BCTS!!

Pamela

"I’m not looking to be a beauty queen or princess; I just want to be a regular,
old-fashioned girl, my mother’s daughter—because that’s what’s going on in my
head, and my heart …and in my soul.”

Thank you Bailey,

'also thank you Jonelle,I lost both my elder sisters and
your song said it all.Tears of sorrow,yet tears of joy
because somebody cares.

ALISON

Thank You So Much

Bailey,
Hey; We’re not over, we’re not done…
There’s one more shot, there’s one more try…
Because I’ll see you, forever after…forever after…
In that sunshine…
I’ll be there…
Just wait for me…

That is so beautiful! My goodbye to my sister was relayed over the phone because I was a thousand miles away and couldn't get to her in time. We just didn't think it would be so soon. At least now we have cell phones, because I've always wanted to have said goodbye in person. Your words reaffirm my own hope to see her again some day.

Suzij

God, this was a tearjerker

God, this was a tearjerker :'(

I don't know how you do it Bailey, but your stories always have these amazing depth.

grtz & hugs,

Sarah xxx

You never cease to amaze me

This story gets better and better. I to have lost loved ones to cancer. That song is beautiful. I wish I could hear it rather than just read it.

Bekah

Thanks a lot.

;) But really, yes, I cried my eyes out. I suddenly missed my Daddy so much more, I lost him to cancer years ago, and I guess I'm a daddies girl. Then again, it's also thank you -seriously- for this episode, it is such a joy to read.

You have an intense way of writing, a little sloppy. Often missing or omitting punctuation. It's like you write as some painters paint, attacking their canvas with vigour, using broad strokes, very intense and pushing out their inspiration in something like a catharsis.

Anyway, I hope you keep writing, a lot. :) Particularly this series of Jem, it's very sweet, and the slow courting dance is fun to see evolve. Thank you for sharing.

Jo-Anne

I think most of us have lost someone

Or we have someone who is either a survivor or still fighting it. My sister went through breast cancer, and lost a breast, but seems to have won the war. My Grandmothers both lost the fight, one to lung cancer, the other to brain cancer. My hero is my cousin, who is fighting Small Cell Cervical cancer. It has been in remission, but returned. She keeps fighting it, and we have hope. Recently she was also diagnosed with breast cancer, but it is believed that it was caught in time. I pray for her, and many others. Thank you, Bailey.

Now to the story-Could it be real? Could it finally be that Angel/Jason and Raven are starting to believe? Oh, please! Raven needs to see that you love a person, not a sex. Angel just needs to let her/his feelings out, let them grow. Brooklyn's right, the only people who don't know that they're in real love is Raven and Angel.

I love the Brooklyn /Mike connection. He really needs to meet her parents. (insert Evil laughter)

That was a fairly quick 3 parts. I hope the next part comes quickly, as well!

Wren

Do you have any idea...

...how good you are at this writing thing?
.
.

Teary.jpg
The girl in me ...she's speechless.

...

Jemima Tychonaut's picture

Outside of some of the moments of Hunter's childhood I think this is one of the most emotionally powerful chapters of anything you've written. It's...

Actually, I don't have the words for what it is.

It is beautifully written with heartfelt songs, I know that much.

Thank you Bailey for sharing this with us.

*Hugs*



"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

“I wrote it because I’m terrified of losing you.”

“I wrote it because I’m terrified of losing you.”

Wow, Rayne really gave Angel both barrels with that statement. Does this mean they will finally stop dancing around their feelings for each other or will Rayne and Angel move back into denial.

That whole self confession about her night with Jess was intense, calling out Angel wow I bet Jess was pissed.

This chapter was brilliant on many different Levels, thanks Bailey.

My love n hugs n kisses to you, Jonelle and her sister

Lizzie :)

Yule

Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p

it isn't always cancer

but that feeling when you have lost someone.
very good chapter, well done.
thanks

Well they love each other, sure

We've known that for a long time now. However, looking and loving a person in the flesh is another thing. I can visualize liking a guy in the abstraction and there are a lot of guys out there I do find cute. But would I go to bed with them? No, not really as there is no physical passion for them. Raven will have that same issue as Angel's spirit is femininely strong and beautiful but strip away the clothes, makeup, gaffe, padding etc. Well, it triggers the wrong things in the brain.

For me, at the minimum, my partner needs to be on hormones and boobs and have a figure and face that is feminine and is at a healthy weight. The penis is okay, I guess, as long the person is there. I am not looking for a masculine partner, male or female.

As usual this is a bittersweet episode as there is still only a guarantee of a deep friendship type relationship. That said, if they do become partners then Raven is no longer considered lesbian.

Edit: Oh and if Jason is still only in remission for cancer than it is best to be safe to keep a sperm sample or three in case the other testicle goes bad. The silver lining of a lesbian relationship with a transwoman is the possibility of genetic children.

Kim

You probably wouldn't feel

You probably wouldn't feel like Raven for a guy, would you? I'd guess Raven isn't all that lesbian as she thinks, or she wouldn't have fallen in love with Angel. Jason should still emit male pheromones, so apparently someone who's smelling like a guy isn't a problem.

They're totally in love with each other, I don't really see Raven's problem. She should just date, kiss or whatever Angel. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. I'm pretty sure Jason is aware of that possibility. But Raven's angsting around the issue doesn't really help. What does she fear? That Angel will stop liking her if they won't work out as lovers? If I get Angel right they'll probably be more pissed if Raven is too cowardly to try.

On the other hand it might really not work, but that is to be seen. It's Ravens job to decide if she wants the relationship or not and she has to live with the results. She might be too homosexual to make it work, but then she shouldn't even think about suggesting that Angel should transition. How can she know that the endresult would be enough for her.

Bailey, thank you for writing this awesome story,
*hugs*
Beyogi

He probably is putting out some male pheremones

But probably a lot less than usual due to his cancer so maybe his sex drive is a bit more, neutral? Clothes are a power gender cue in our current society. On an island where we only see each other nude, well, not so much. So Raven is feeling the visual and emotional cues of a woman in Angel. There are some very feminine and emotional gay men too but that does not mean Raven will go after such a person.

Even post-operative women have sex drives of course due to the adrenal production of testosterone. Angel's level of testosterone may very well overlap that of a genetic woman's. I do not know the particulars of his physical parameters. If Raven might be bisexual, well that should be spelled out, but if she is framed as a purely Lesbian women, and there have been women who have talked themselves into a 'straight' relationship and married a man, she will ultimately not want to look at male genitialia.

As it is, it is really just two very sad people, even soul mates, just wishing things were different and knowing inside, there is a very problematic incompatibility.

We will just have to let Bailey sort out this mess.

Kim

Like I've said before, unless something drastic happens to break the deadlock, sexually, it may never happen.

Thanks Bailey for making me

Thanks Bailey for making me think about my gran. She would have been
in her mid '80's and having her birthday last month if it wasn't for
the way the cancer left her and old age catching up.

And Sara,you hit it spot on withthe tearjerking part.

>does a virtual group hug<

Lynne
one of the ravens

I was dreaming about this story Bailey!

Its 3:26 AM here in OZ, I'm wide awake I think. I suddenly had this revelation about Jason.

I'm probably so far of the mark but you all know dreams are so weird sometimes?

I think Jason has multi personalities and if he's not his sister who is he?

I thing one of them is, he is his mother! We don't know much about his childhood except he was shy, introverted, no friends and most likely very close to his mother. When she passed away he was so stricken with grief he may have assumed her role in the family as Jem.

She has her mom's spirit!

Look at the signs, she loves cooking, washing, cleaning, decorating the house, looking after his Dad.
She loves looking after the girls and is very close to all of them, like a mother hen.
I think she also loves Mike more as a son than a lover. It does get mixed up when the personalities merge.

As Angel she is an extrovert, smart & talented, beautiful and an entertainer,a twin of Raven!

Well there's my dream, I'll probably wake up soon and forgot I ever sent this.

Goodnight all!

Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
(Mark Twain)

LoL
Rita

I have to take a break from reading...

...to lend positive feedback to the ideas about men expressed in this story. To many times in these stories I see a negative stereotype about men promulgated both how they act and what good purpose they serve. In this story I think the ideas about men hit the nail on the head. It is a breath of fresh air to see that someone actually thinks that a man can serve a fulfilling purpose without dawning a skirt and shooting up estrotgen.

The lirics of Oncology

really touched my heart as I my dear friend and companion for the past 12 years, Miss Kitty Cleo Le Mew, is currently dying of lung cancer. My brave little girl only may have a day or 2 at best brfore she passes on to the next stop in her journey.

Thanks Bailey for this.
Hugs
Tamara Jeanne

It's a really great song:)

Mittfh is actually got music started for a score for the song a vocalist trying it out would be neat too. I'm glad that it touched you Tamara, I'm sorry to hear about your sweet friend. I hope she faces no pain and only peace from here on out.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

jem

i have noticed that there is a much more favourible response to what jem is about as too the other characters on which i totally agree as jem is very much more interesting.
keep it going xx

Thank you :)

I am very glad that you enjoyed this.
* Great Big Hugs *

Bailey Summers

Hard to read while crying

I lost my daughter to cancer. I still miss her.