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Synopsis

Rebecca Brent has issues and her brother Nicholas becoming a girl doesn’t help things.

The touching story of how one girl deals with having a transgendered sibling, the struggles they share and how they find common ground and learn to love one another again.

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Chapter One

What do you do when your brother becomes your sister and all your friends find out along with the entire school? Well my response was to cold shoulder her, not to assist her fit in and behave like she didn’t exist until hateful people nearly killed her. That’s when I saw the light and accepted her for who she was-my sister.

Our family is made up of five people, Brian Brent our father aged 44, Susan Brent, our mother 43, Nicole 21, my older sister, Laura Brent 17 my little sister. My name is Rebecca Brent or Beckie for short and I’m19 and also the middle child. I used to hate my older sister Nicole for being transgendered although it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I simply couldn’t accept her.

Nikki or Nicole was born on the 21st of March in 1987 a healthy baby with no problems. I came along on 12 April 1989 while Laura completed the family on 6 May 1991. As children the three of us were remarkably close. Nikki loved playing with our dolls and with us. We’d play house and there were never any boys in that game and we’d let Nikki wear our clothes whenever we did so. None of us thought much of this, there was nothing wrong with letting Nikki pretend to be a girl when she enjoyed it as much as we did. In fact it was our favourite game. Once in a while she’d tell Laura and I that she was a girl and hated being a boy with childish candour and both of us agreed with her, after all she loved wearing our clothes, playing with dolls, only had female friends, was really gentle with us and looked very much like a girl to the extent of always being taken for one whenever we went shopping with our parents. This gave her the greatest pleasure no matter how much Mum and Dad dispelled the notion.

She fervently prayed to be made a girl every night and every birthday saw the candles being blown out with the same wish.

“Mummy when will I be a girl?” she once asked Mum when she was six.

Mum replied, “Why’d you ask honey? Don’t you want to be a boy?”

Nikki had shaken her head, “I’d rather be a girl. I don’t like being a boy because I can’t keep my hair long or wear nice clothes,” replied Nikki candidly and Mum had laughed it off as a child’s fantasy not realizing that Nikki longed to be female and actually had a girl’s brain. This was the first of many subtle warnings.

Nikki was an extremely sensitive child and consequently would cry when teased by schoolmates. Naturally this only invited more teasing from the other kids for numerous reasons. She was a boy who talked, walked and played like a girl; she played with girls, was pathetic at boys’ games and generally stuck out like a sore thumb. Still a lot of girls liked her and she never had a shortage of friends although nearly all of them were girls which amused rather than worried our parents. Also her teachers adored her, she was amazingly intelligent and had a talent for Maths, Art and was extremely creative, in short she was a genius and always top of the class, a fact of which our parents were justifiably proud.

Our parents were open minded, loving people who loved their child just the way she was, they weren’t the type to make a meal over Nikki’s personality. Dad was never going to try and make a “man” out of Nikki or try to stop her from being what some would call a “sissy”. They it was how Nikki was made, a cheerful, sensitive, gentle soul and they didn’t want to change that. Of course that doesn’t mean to say that they didn’t complain when she was bullied or encourage her to defend herself but it meant they wouldn’t try to make her alter her character or lose her individuality just to fit in.

At 11 Nikki became friends with a girl called Clara and before long they were each other’s best friends. A year later they met George, a new boy and after that the three of them became inseparable. A short while after that Nikki stopped playing dress up and house with us because she didn’t want her friends to know about it although she still played with Laura and her dolls when she got chance. During that year (1999) Nikki first came across the term transsexual while reading a magazine. The story was about this girl who’d once been a boy and had deeply felt that wasn’t who she was and had wanted to be a girl. She’d gotten hormones then surgery. She’d looked stunning and Nikki knew that was her future, so she carefully cut out the story and hid it in her room for future reference.

At 12 she’d also discovered that she had feelings for boys just like Clara. This wasn’t really surprising since she knew she wasn’t a boy and so couldn’t like girls the way George and all the other boys did. Still she kept this discovery to herself fearing what people would say about it but as time went on her body language betrayed her as it does with every teenager and inevitably some of the guys noticed that Nick didn’t seem to like girls. “Maybe he’s a faggot,” they whispered for fear of George beating them (he was bigger than all of them) kept them murmuring quietly.

As the years went on Nikki’s wish to be herself only intensified. Anguished she watched Clara, me and other girls start changing while she only got horrible erections and watched other boys change into men knowing that sooner or later it would happen to her. She had major crushes on boys but no way of going out with them and became extremely depressed, crying herself to sleep nearly every night. More than once she thought of telling Clara or George how she felt but couldn’t because she didn’t want to lose her only friends. Mum and Dad were her next options but she was too scared to try them. I’d drifted away from her so I was out of the question. “Who to tell?” she pondered “Laura!” she thought, they were still extremely close even when Nikki was 15 and Laura 11.

Before she told her she planted a magazine with a transgendered girl’s story hoping Laura would see it. She did and when Nikki casually asked if she’d read about the said girl Laura had laughed and remarked how insane people could be. Nikki pretended to agree before going to her room and crying bitterly, totally crushed that her only hope had been blown away and for weeks after that Nikki had been upset feeling life wasn’t worth the trouble. Then she started contemplating suicide.

On three occasions she came close to killing herself but each time her conscious trapped her. She knew committing suicide would hurt Mum, her favourite person, Dad whom she adored, Clara her best friend, Laura her favourite sister, George who was so loyal and would risk his life for her and me, the sister she loved deeply. So somehow she contained her misery by trying to take her mind off things by plunging into her schoolwork, playing tennis, her favourite sport and in which she showed promise and by having fun with Clara and George especially Clara with whom she shared a budding talent in clothes design and went shopping with as Clara thought she was the perfect shopping pal since she had loads of patience and in Clara’s view great taste even though she unknowingly hurt Nikki by usually saying, “You really ought to have been a girl you know, your taste is fantastic and you even look like one,” because that was exactly what she thought too. However living through Clara was her only way of expressing her femininity.

When Nikki wrote her GCSEs in 2003 she achieved stellar results, 9A*’s and 2A’s. Mum and Dad were as proud as punch, she’d done so well they’d probably have agreed to let her be a girl if she’d only asked but she didn’t. As it was though, she did do a considerable amount of soul searching and self-analysis. She came to the conclusion that she ought to tell Mum and Dad and to do something about her body before she lost her girlish good looks in the same way her voice was going.

However she put on hold the first option because she was so afraid, her mind drifting back to Laura’s reaction. Instead she started working on her voice in the summer of 2003 and then purchasing hormones and blockers online. In September they arrived and she began her self-treatment just as she went back for Lower Sixth together with Clara and George at their old school Holyhead, the private co-ed (mixed) school Laura and I also attended. Almost instantly she received Academic colours for her GCSE performance and immersed herself into the life of the school re-joining the Debate, Art, Writing and Quiz Societies’. Nikki was also being tipped to be a future prefect and Toastmaster. She also chose to do four subjects at “A” level: Maths, Art, History and Geography although she could have done any combination and probably passed but her heart was in the Arts and as for maths it was a childhood love she couldn’t abandon.

By December she’d mastered her voice lessons and could talk like a girl once more. For fun she’d call random numbers and pretend it was the wrong number just to hear people address her as a girl. Once she called George and told him she loved him.

“Some babe called me at home yesterday and said I love you. I wonder who that was,” George announced wistfully the following day before scanning the Study Lounge for any sign from the girls sitting there.

“Oh puh-lease, who’d do that” retorted Clara, rolling her eyes at which point Nikki has quickly stood up and left the room so she could laugh her lungs out in private.

At Christmas Nikki quietly realised that she felt good and that her misery was gone. Her body responded beautifully to the hormones and she happily noted how smooth, soft and rounded she was becoming. Having breasts felt normal and exciting and she’d feel the soft yet firm round mounds when woke up, showered and went to bed noting that they were perceptibly growing and quite pleased with this. There were no more sickening erections. All together she looked and felt happy and her face looked more like a girl’s than ever before, with smooth rounded cheeks and soft skin. She loved winter because when going shopping with a beanie she’d always be taken for a girl and would act like one with her voice backing her up.

“Have you noticed how great Nick looks?” she overheard Laura say to Mum.

“Yes he looks like a girl,” answered Mum.

“Yeah he does. Sometimes I think he should have been a girl with those looks,” returned Laura placidly.

“Who looks like a girl?” asked Dad, walking into the kitchen.

“Your son,” remarked Mum with a smile.

“Not to worry, he’ll be shaving soon enough,” remarked Dad.

“In your dreams!” muttered Nikki having heard enough and sneaking upstairs.

When we went back to school the following term Nikki was made a prefect together with five other Lower Sixth students.

“Oh cool,” remarked Laura happily,” Now no one will think of bothering me!” she exclaimed at home.

“Whatever,” I said irritably.

“Don’t be jealous!” Laura admonished.

“Jealous of a prefect? Oh spare me!” I snorted although in truth I guess I was, Nikki was setting a high bar for me to aspire to and it annoyed because I had doubts about my capabilities. 9A*’s and 2A’s was already too much, I knew I’d never match her there.

Also because Mum and Dad were just enamoured with whatever Nick did, I thought they favoured her because she was a boy which was so untrue. Funnily enough Nikki thought similarly but differently, she sometimes thought more was expected of her because she was a boy and that Laura and I got off the hook because we were girls. Her transition was to prove both of us wrong.

In February Nikki went on to win an Art contest featuring six different schools, make both the Debate and Quiz teams and subsequently lead the school to a series of wins in both leagues and ending up as the best contestant on each occasion. Laura was positively inspired by her (and not me which rankled) and joined all the Societies Nikki was in although in the junior section and Nikki took a special interest in those sections which would later help her and lead to her being given a merit award. The fortnightly school mag raved about Nikki “which it would since Clara, Nikki and George helped write it” I thought unkindly and so did her teachers which only served to put more pressure on me at home when our parents looked at our books. I always seemed to look bad because Nikki was so dedicated to her schoolwork while I seemed to only care about my looks, popularity and boys. Laura at the other end was morphing into an exact replica of Nikki in the area of her schoolwork, doing really well and my parent’s didn’t have to say a thing-only the transition from pleased and gleeful to consternation then back to pleased and gleeful when looking at our books rebuked me. It was like being sandwiched between two overachievers and I was the average slice in the sandwich.

A few days after Nikki’s 17th birthday Mum discovered that Nikki had breasts. They’d been doing the groceries and Nikki had been in another store finishing her task while Mum waited for her by the car. Unfortunately a gust of wind happened to flatten Nikki’s shirt to her chest which is when Mum had decided to look up and notice.

“Honey you’ve got breasts!” she said in surprise, “How long have you had them?” she remarked.

She had no idea Nikki’s world was falling to pieces that very minute. Nikki could see and hear Mum but she was too stricken and confused to answer back.

“I’ve been caught,” was all her benumbed mind could think over and over again.

Mum mistook the look on Nikki’s face for embarrassment and quietly opened the car. Nikki sat in the back silently.

“We have to get you to a doctor so they can be cut off,” she heard Mum say.

“What?” thought Nikki, “Then they’ll never grow again. Meaning I’ll never be a girl,” she decided.

When they got home Nikki hastened to her room and burst out crying for the first time in months as she wondered why her life could never go right. She knew beyond certainty that she couldn’t live without her hormones and watch her body betray her again but at the same time she knew if she didn’t stop taking them her body would continue to be feminized increasing her bust size and Mum would be sure to act and take her to a surgeon.

“But I can’t go back to how things were before, I just can’t,” she said to herself in anguish.

She was so lost and had no idea what to do. Never had she felt so lonely in her life.

Naturally Mum told Dad what she’d seen and the two of them called Nikki later that night when Laura and I were asleep and Nikki was up studying.

“Could you please remove your jacket and shirt,” asked Mum gently, “We’d like to see the extent of the problem,” she continued delicately.

Nothing would make my sister do that and she shook her head in refusal. “We only want to help you,” said Mum.

Nikki could have screamed, “No,” she said quietly.

“Look you’ll end up wearing a bra if we don’t do something,” said our father.

“You have no idea how much I’d like that,” thought Nikki angrily before turning and going back to her room where tried to continue reading under her sheets but only found great, big splotches of tears dampening her books. She switched off the torch and put her books on the floor and cried herself to sleep.

Meanwhile Mum thought she’d been too embarrassed to let her see while Dad thought she was too embarrassed to show her father a feminine bust. Both counts were incorrect. Nikki simply didn’t want to help destroy her dream of being a girl not to mention how wrong it felt to show people her bust on demand, in other words she’d have felt violated.

After that night Nikki was more guarded, she simply didn’t want to give anyone a chance to notice her breasts. Her anorak became her favourite piece of uniform since it was one size too large and nothing could show through it which meant she was safe at school for the time being. Mum and Dad left her alone for a while although Nikki began to think they’d stare at her chest worriedly and she’d always leave the room when that happened. So to look ‘normal’ she’d bind her chest when she was at home because she felt she had no choice but this was too painful to keep up for long periods and it only became more painful as her bosom expanded. This meant she spent most of the time at home locked in her room to avoid our parents.

As warm weather returned she realised that wearing an anorak to school on a daily basis was impractical and it only led to raised eyebrows and awkward questions like, “Honey its hot you know? How long do you think you’re going to hide them?” from Mum which always irritated Nicky.

Instead she’d ignore Mum and devise other tactics like wearing t-shirts beneath her shirt then putting her blazer on and wearing it the whole day. These tactics saw her through to May and by then Laura and I had overheard Mum talking to Nikki about her breasts and asking if she’d done anything to enhance them,

“Like what?” Nikki had replied irritably although inside she was shocked that Mum was on the right track.

“You tell me,” said Mum, “How come you’re always dodging out whenever I mention going to a doctor?” queried Mum.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” shouted Nikki before storming out.

“I think he’s doing it on purpose,” said Laura afterwards.

“No I don’t think so. No guy wants to have boobs,” I said sympathetically.

“Exactly!” cried Laura, “If he was a guy he’d have gone to the doctor with Mum by now!” added Laura emphatically.

“Maybe he’s just ashamed. I suppose I would be too if I was in his shoes. The male ego is such a fragile thing,” I said.

“I don’t think Nick likes being a boy Becky. He used to tell us how much he hated it, remember?” I bet he found a way to give himself boobs,” Laura said with conviction.

“No way, we were still kids then. Nick can’t be a chick!” I retorted.

“He’s 17 and has never gone out with a single girl,” offered Laura.

“So what? People are different. I bet there are a lot of people who've never gone out at 17 but it doesn’t make them girls or guys. Anyway Nick's in love with school, who'd go out with a guy like him?” I returned.

“I would, Nick's the nicest guy on earth,” said Laura hotly.

“Yeah, whatever,” I said, waving my hand dismissively.

We had no idea Nikki had heard every word we'd said. She'd heard me reject what she knew to be true, that is Laura's assertion that she was a girl and then I'd said she was in love with school and that no one would go out with her. The last bit she knew to be true but she was still hurt by how we'd talked about her. Quietly she left the house and took a long walking feeling so unloved and she actually thought of throwing herself in front of a car just to end this unequal struggle. Instead she sat on a bench for hours crying silently. She only got home at 19:30.

“Where were you?” demanded Mum the minute she got home,

“You're mother’s been worried sick,” added Dad.

“Oh I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd be bothered!” replied Nikki sarcastically before turning and going upstairs and slamming her door shut.

“What’s gotten into him?” asked Mum in disbelief.

“I wish I knew,” said Dad quietly.

It was totally unlike Nikki to behave like a sullen, moody teenager, only I did that.

“Something’s bothering you,” Clara said quietly to her friend the following Monday when they met at school.

Nikki wondered where to even start.

“It’s nothing, just exam stress,” Nikki lied not looking at her friend.

“Come on we both know that isn't true. I'm your friend and you can trust me,” said Clara gently.

For a second Nikki wanted to blurt out, “I'm not a guy, that’s what’s wrong,” but she didn’t.

“Nothing,” she replied before standing up.

“Where are you going?” asked Clara.

“The library,” said Nikki, trying to avoid further questioning.

“Okay fine if you don't want to tell me but where were you on Saturday. You were supposed to come over remember? Your mother called three times looking for you,” said Clara holding her back.

“I went for a walk and wondered if I should kill myself,” admitted Nikki angrily before storming off.

Clara stared at her friend in total amazement then said, “Alright two can play that game,” not knowing that Nikki had just told her the truth.

Things were going from bad to worse now she and Clara weren’t speaking to each other, she wasn't seeing eye to eye with her parents and now on top of that she had to organise 3 socials for Debate, Quiz and for the outgoing prefects without Clara's help for the first two although George was there for the last one. She sat with Clara in Art, Geo and History and not being able to talk to her was a wrench and being President-elect of Debate and Quiz was nearly impossible when you and your secretary weren't on friendly terms and it didn't get better if she was your magazine editor and you had to submit articles to her. Most of all fighting with your best friend meant you really were alone when you needed her most and were too proud to say sorry or too afraid to tell her what was worrying you. Slowly Nikki felt her personal life collapse around her.

Incredibly she became extra efficient at all her tasks and managed to make a success of each of them though at a great personal cost. She cried every night and wished her life would end and several times tried to make amends with Clara but her friend was in an uncompromising mood. At home she hardly ate or talked to anyone and she looked stressed and upset. Mum was especially worried thinking it was because of her breasts. Actually Nikki was finally sick and tired of the lie she was living; she just wanted to come out and be herself or die.

Her AS Levels came and went and she knew she'd done well because her schoolwork was the only thing she lived for. At school she could pass off and appeared okay but at home she was deteriorating and a short while after exams she had the worst row of her life with our parents.

Mum and Dad had both had a bad day and were a bit a bit touchy and so was Nikki. Nikki had asked for some money for new art supplies. Mum told her irritably that,

“I won’t buy them till you agree to see a doctor,” in the presence of everyone.

Nikki was shocked, “But I need them for Art Camp!” she exclaimed.

That’s when Dad joined in, “What kind of a person are you? I’ve never heard of a guy who wants to keep breasts.”

Our parents went on and on, going on about how she’d be abused, if she was normal while Nikki listened silently, her heart breaking and nearly crying.

“Stop it!” shouted Laura, “There’s nothing wrong with Nick,” she cried and I agreed with her, Mum and Dad had gone too far.

“Don’t bother yourself Laura. Their right I’m not normal that’s why they hate me,” said Nikki in a hurt voice before turning and going to her room tears streaming from her eyes as her mind replayed the tape of Mum and Dad castigating her. In her room the tears kept on flowing as she wondered how her parents could say all that. A little while later Mum knocked on the door and tried it: it was locked.

“Nick I’m sorry,” she apologized.

Nikki curled up in her sheets and ignored her while still crying her heart out. Mum repeated her apology and pleaded for forgiveness but Nikki continued to feign deafness. Nikki lay awake for a long time alternating between crying and thinking of killing herself.

“Only George and Laura would miss me,” she thought as she cried.

“Brian, we’ve never talked to the kids like that,” cried Mum to our father in their room. “We really hurt Nick,” she said in anguish as she sobbed.

Dad hugged her tightly feeling guilty himself. Nikki didn’t eat breakfast or talk to anyone the next morning, she just got into the shower wore her uniform and walked to school taking the bus part of the way and feeling so bereft in the world. Mentally she made a note to tell Mrs Marston to cross her off that summer’s landscape Art Camp.

“I’ve been looking forward to that. No trip, no Clara. I guess she’ll have loads of fun there,” sighed Nikki.

At school she didn’t go to assembly but joined George in his outside duties before going off to Art and finding a seat far from Clara knowing that if she so much as looked at her face she’d breakdown and cry. Meanwhile Clara looked at her friend thinking how pale she looked and missing her company. “I wish he’d tell me what’s bothering him. Maybe he really does want to kill himself,” she thought but she couldn’t figure out why or work up the humility to make up with her.

When the lesson ended Nikki stayed behind to tell Mrs Marston to tell her about the Art Camp.

“Yes what can I do for you Nick?” said the Art teacher fondly. She loved her students, Nikki more than most because she was brilliant, sweet and very humble. Nikki was an individual teen which Mrs Marston found refreshing.

“Could you please cancel me from the landscape trip? My parents have other plans,” said Nikki heavily sounding like a girl because she was too stressed to put on her ‘guy act’ anymore.

“Are you sure? You’ve worked so hard to organise this and it’ll be a great learning curve,” said the teacher noticing how upset Nikki looked.

“I know and I really want to go but there’s nothing I can do,” Nikki answered.

“Alright, I’ll cross you off,” agreed a disappointed Mrs Marston before writing Nikki a note for her next lesson. “Are you okay?” she added worriedly noticing how pale Nikki looked.

“I’m fine,” Nikki lied before forcing a smile onto her face.

George liked Clara and Nikki equally and was trying to get them speaking again but both of them wouldn’t go near each other except for club meetings where Nikki sat with her vice presidents in Debate, Quiz and Art while Clara chilled with Vicky Wang her new mate both of them avoiding eye contact with each other. At break Nikki just headed for the prefects common room where she wouldn’t see Clara as non-prefects weren’t allowed a rule both of them had thought stupid but which Nikki didn’t hate anymore.

Somehow Nikki kept going till schools closed, drowning in her despair and not talking to Mum and Dad for those one and a half weeks and refusing pocket money and missing meals and all the while planning how to kill herself and scribbling suicide notes. Our parents were guilt-ridden and kept trying to engage Nikki but she acted like they weren’t there.

“How come Nick’s not going to the Art camp?” Clara asked Laura a few days before schools closed.

“He isn’t?” replied Laura, “How come?” she asked.

”Dunno, he just got his name crossed off and he won’t say why,” explained Clara, leaving out the bit about Nikki not saying anything to her anymore. Clara was hoping to mend fences at the camp.

Laura shook her head, “He had a row with Mum and Dad. He’s been angry at them for weeks and Mum refused to buy his art supplies so I guess that’s why he budged out,” said my little sister.

“Is that why he’s been so upset? What did your parents do?” asked Clara, finally seeing some light.

“No idea,” Laura lied with a perfectly straight face, if Clara didn’t know this meant Nikki hadn’t told her and she wasn’t about to betray Nikki’s secret to anyone.

On closing day Nikki was made Senior Prefect making her the third highest prefect after the Head Boy and Head Girl and ranking equally with their deputies. She also got full debate colours, was inducted into the Toastmasters and was made Head of our Games House and was also given a slew of certificates for the various achievements she made. Not that she cared going up and down the stage; to her it was someone else’s life from which she was strangely detached. She had no idea that she’d never climb that stage as a boy again.

“Oh great,” I thought, “we’ll never hear the end of this!” jealousy and annoyance seeping through me.

Afterwards she stayed behind for the prefect’s end of term party watching on while her colleagues enjoyed themselves.

“Why are you just sitting there?” asked George,

“Yeah come on and dance,” added the new Head Girl, Samantha.

Nikki shook her head with a smile.

“Dance with George, I’m okay,” she said knowing her friend had a thing for Samantha and deciding to lend a helping hand.

“Alright,” agreed Samantha happily and they left to dance with George giving Nikki the thumbs up when Samantha wasn’t watching.

She wondered how everyone else could be so happy when she felt so low before getting up and going over for some cake and juice which she found tasteless having lost all desire for food and indeed living. So she left the party quietly waving at George as she left.

“This is goodbye man,” she thought as George smiled and waved back, having decided to take her life.

Once outside she shoved her hands into her pockets so could retrieve the razor she’d brought from home in her blazer. She planned to go to the bathroom and slash her wrists and die at school on closing day with no one to stop her.

“Alone in death just as she was in life,” she thought morbidly.

She felt inside her blazer but what she found wasn’t a blade, it was some transgender leaflets she’d downloaded earlier that year which is when she remembered she’d taken the wrong blazer, she’d placed the razor in her other blazer, the ordinary school one she preferred wearing to the colours blazer she liked wearing on stupid occasions like Final Assembly.

“Flip!” she cursed through her teeth, frustrated.

She had no choice but to go home and leaving the school who else should she run into but Mum, who was waiting patiently for her after seeing Laura and I off to camp, the car parked right were Nikki wouldn’t miss it. My sister just wanted to sit down and cry none of her plans were panning out.

“I can’t be a girl and now I can’t even kill myself properly!” she thought as she stood staring at Mum.

“Nikki, come here love,” said Mum emotionally.

When Mum spoke like that none of us could walk away or disobey her, it was a plea straight from her heart. True to form Nikki felt a heel and went to the car and sat inside next to Mum.

“How was your party?” asked Mum gently.

Nikki just stared resolutely into her window.

“I’m a freak so I don’t enjoy parties,” blurted Nikki almost choking on her tears, speaking to Mum for the first time in days.

Mum could tell she was so hurt and felt very guilty.

“Your father and I didn’t mean that. We’re really sorry we were just trying to help,” said Mum softly, placing her hand on Nikki’s shoulder.

“Sure by insulting me and trying to mutilate my body!” exclaimed Nikki, crying now.

“Honey it’s a simple operation, you don’t want to be thought of as a girl do you?”

Something in Nikki broke and she confessed.

“Actually I do want to be a girl. I’m sick and tired of being a boy and I can’t take it anymore!” an anguished Nikki responded.

“What are you saying?” asked Mum, shocked.

“Don’t you see? How’d you think I got breasts in the first place?” asked Nikki through the sobs.

“I took hormones to make them grow okay! I’m not a guy Mum and I don’t like my life and I’d have killed myself some time ago if I hadn’t taken the wrong blazer,” cried Nikki before throwing her leaflets at Mum.

“Just take me home,” wept Nikki as Mum looked at her child, stunned by what she’d heard.

She tried to hold her but Nikki resisted.

“Leave me alone,” and Mum let her go and they drove home with Nikki crying like a baby and Mum trying not to cry.

On their arrival Nikki ran upstairs to her sanctuary, picked up a suitcase and started throwing clothes inside, she wasn’t thinking straight and was still crying. Mum followed her upstairs.

“What are you doing?” she quietly asked.

“Packing,” said the tearful Nikki.

“Where are you going?” replied Mum.

“Anywhere, just as long as I can live as a girl,” responded Nikki frantically.

“This is where you belong dear,” said Mum gently, taking a few steps towards her.

“No I don’t. You and Dad don’t think I’m normal,” cried Nikki forlornly.

Mum looked her in the eye saw how anguished Nikki was and caught a glimpse of the girl inside for the first time. She opened her arms and Nikki let her hug her, finally drawing comfort from the person she needed most.

Holding her shuddering daughter Mum said, “I love you and nothing can change that,” Nikki cried on and Mum patted her repeatedly as she sobbed convulsively and tried to hold back her own tears.

“Do you want to talk about it?” said Mum softly when Nikki had finally calmed down.

Nikki nodded.

“Yes,” she said quietly, wiping her eyes.

Mum sat down with her on the bed and listened to Nikki’s story.

“It started when I went to nursery school,” began Nikki with a swallow, “I used to feel I was treated like something I wasn’t by the teachers and it felt wrong because I knew I wasn’t a boy,” said Nikki before explaining what had happened in her tweens and early teens from the time of playing with our dolls, dressing up, making friends with girls, wishing she’d be a girl all the time, feeling out of place with boys and just being different from other boys.

Mum remembered most of this and the phrase, “Mummy, when will I be a girl?” came back to her and she could have cried in despair for her child.

“Then puberty hit and I only wanted to be a girl more than ever but my body was changing and it felt horrible. I’d always hated having a dick but it got worse because it was growing bigger and I was getting horrible erections together with wet dreams. It was just terrible and on top of that I found out I really liked boys but I could never act on it and people noticed it and made fun of me. I had no one to talk to because I was afraid of telling Clara and George as they were my only friends and I didn’t want to lose them. Then I thought about you and Dad but I thought you’d hate me, then Becky and Laura but when I tried to talk to Laura about people who got sex changes she told me they were insane and I figured everyone would say that too. I lost hope and had never felt so alone in my life. I decided to kill myself when I was 15. I tried to do it three times but I couldn’t every time, because I’d think of you and see your sad faces,” said Nikki, nearly dissolving into tears.

Mum felt tears trickle down her face but suppressed them and put her arm around Nikki’s waist, “I tried not to think about it and to concentrate on my schoolwork and to distract myself with Clara and George especially by doing stuff with Clara like going shopping with her and she’d let me choose her clothes and I liked that. Somehow I didn’t go crazy and I got through my O’s but afterwards with nothing to do I had to face facts. Firstly I was going to lose my body totally before long unless I did something and that’s when I decided to work on my voice and to take hormones and blockers,” went on Nikki and Mum realised that Nikki had been talking like a girl for a while now and she hadn’t noticed it nor had the rest of the family or friends. “How did you get your voice back?” asked Mum vaguely remembering that over a year back Nikki had begun sounding less and less like her sisters before it got high pitched again.

“Easy I got this cd online with techniques on how to sound female. I got the hang of it in November and for while I could switch back and forth,” said Nikki before telling Mum about her prank on George and the two of them laughed together, “But I can’t talk like a boy anymore and I don’t want to,” continued Nikki and Mum nodded.

“And the hormones, what are blockers?” asked Mum.

“Blockers stop testosterone from working which means I froze my puberty by using them. I bought them online, they come from Canada and there’s a black market here for oestrogen, people on the net helped me find it,” answered Nikki.

“I used nearly all the money I’ve been getting from my EMA to pay for them. I think I’m the most bankrupt person at school,” laughed Nikki.

“Honey I’ll give you back every penny okay,” said Mum gently, “because I think that’s the only reason you’ve made it this far,” she finished.

“Probably, because I felt so normal when I started taking them and I felt really free and happy for the first time. I was actually making my dream come true and I loved what was happening to me, it felt so right and it still does,” said Nikki gently

“I knew if I let you cut them off they would never grow back then I’d be stuck as a guy forever which is why I refused to let you take me to a doctor. Imagine how you’d feel if I told you to cut off your breasts? That’s exactly how I feel too,” continued Nikki

Mum understood and apologised,

“I’m so sorry sweetie. I had no idea how you felt. Could you please forgive me for the past few months?” pleaded Mum.

Nikki stood up, went to her closet and found the razor she’d left in her blazer and gave it to Mum,

“I’m sorry I couldn’t open up to you and that I nearly hurt you today. I forgot to put that in the right blazer. I was going to slash my wrists after school,” murmured Nikki crying.

“I forgive you, it’s not your fault,” said Mum holding her child to her bosom and privately thanking God for Nikki’s life-saving error.

“I forgive you too Mum,” said Nikki, as Mum stroked her hair.

The pair of them sat in silence for some moments as they held and comforted one another.

“What are we going to do now?” asked Nikki at length, looking up to Mum for reassurance.

“Make a fresh start baby,” said Mum quietly,” tell your father and Becky and Laura and go and see a doctor about a sex change for you,” she added.

After everything she’d heard and seen Susie Brent couldn’t let Nikki’s suffering go on.

“Really?” said Nikki breathlessly, in total disbelief.

“Really,” said Mum with a smile before kissing Nikki’s forehead.

“Mum I love you,” declared Nikki emotionally, her eyes welling up with tears.

“I love you too honey,” said Mum, very touched.

To be continued

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