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Chapter Three

Clara meanwhile returned home that evening not the following day. Art camp hadn’t been as fun with Nikki absent. The truth was she missed her terribly was pining badly for her friend and had thought of her the entire time. She remembered how pale Nikki had looked the previous week and she felt worried, fighting with her and not talking to her didn’t seem right especially when something was obviously bothering said friend.

She picked up her phone, scrolled to Nikki’s number intending to call but her call didn’t go through. She had no way of knowing that Nikki had switched off her mobile on closing day when she’d wanted to kill herself and had not switched it back on in the upheaval that followed. Clara turned to her computer and typed the following-

“Hi Nick.

I miss you so much and I’m sorry we fought. I still want to be friends.

Love

Clara”

-addressed it to Nikki and sent it.

Nikki only logged on to her email the next morning and sat for some time after reading Clara’s message, remembering how worried Clara had been when they fought and how much they meant to each other. She made a decision to pour out her heart and tell her everything.

“Hi Clara

I’m sorry too and I accept responsibility for us fighting. I still want to be friends too but I don’t know if you’ll feel the same after what I’ve got to say. How to begin?

Well I can say my life has changed considerably since we last saw each other, so sit down. On Thursday I was going to kill myself after the prefects party by slashing my wrists in the loo. Luckily I’d placed the blade in the wrong blazer so I couldn’t go through with it. Still wanting to die I decided to go home and get the blade but Mum was waiting for me in the car park and that’s when I told her the cause of my despair.

Clara I’m a girl. Sound weird? Well to me it’s not. I have a medical problem called gender dysphoria, this means I have a female brain, thought pattern and so on inside a boy’s body. Simply put I’m a girl trapped in a boy’s body although I’ve been trying to make it look female for a year. For as long as I can recall I’ve always felt I was a girl and living as a boy has made me miserable, I simply hate having to be a guy and that’s why I wanted to kill myself because I couldn’t see a way out. I thought my life wasn’t worth living and that everyone I loved would reject me if I told them together with the fact that I was fighting with Mum, Dad and you and it seemed no one cared about me.

Thankfully I was wrong! I told Mum, she listened and comforted me before accepting me for I really am. I’ve been living as a girl since then and Dad, Becky and Laura have been amazing and I’m happy for the first time in ages. I’m going to get my name changed on Friday to Nicole Robin Brent, and then we’re going to see a doctor so I can start my journey to surgery. Oh, I’ve been taking oestrogen for nearly a year so I’ve got breasts which you may or may not have noticed lately. I love them because I’m a chick; it’s great to feel normal! That’s about all; I hope Art camp was nice. I’m sending George a similar email.

Hope to see you soon.

Your loving friend (I hope)

Nicole”

Clara had been checking her inbox regularly in the hope of a reply and it came seconds after Nikki sent it. Clara read the email slowly and started crying as she read it.

“Clara what’s the matter” asked her mother upon seeing this.

Clara could only point at the screen and her mother read Nikki’s email.

“Oh goodness me,” she said on reading that Nikki had wanted to kill herself. She was very fond of Nikki and thought she was the nicest person around and treated her like her own.

“Honey,” she said to Clara, as tears welled up in her eyes, “do you want me to drive you over there?”

Clara nodded as she cried, “Yes,” she said before typing a reply-

“Stay put. I’ll be right over in a few minutes. I’m still your friend.”

On a whim Dad suggested a picnic in the country and we all thought that would be great. I had no problems with this because the country was well away from home and my usual haunts meaning no one would see me with Nicole.

After sending her reply to Clara, Nikki went to get dressed and missed Clara’s reply and the last thing on her mind as she sat with Laura applying lipstick and fooling around with eyeliner and mascara was Clara walking into her room.

Clara and her mother had driven over and Clara had immediately rushed in to see Nikki, barely acknowledging Mum and leaving it to her mother to explain.

Nikki’s door was wide open and Clara walked straight in. Nikki and Laura looked up in surprise.

“Clara,” cried Nikki, amazed to see her so unexpectedly. She stood up.

“Hi girl,” said Clara, her eyes glimmering with tears, “I just got your letter,” she continued, “why didn’t you tell me?” she said in a hurt voice.

Nicole took Clara’s hands then drew her towards herself and embraced her. They both cried softly as they held each other, very affected. Laura quietly walked out and closed the door behind her.

“I thought you’d hate me,” said Nikki with a sniff while they sat on the bed minutes later.

“That’s impossible. I like you too much,” remarked Clara before wiping her face and Nikki let out a smile.

“You’re really pretty and you’ll look super when you get this done,” commented Clara fondly, touching her pals hair which was in a ponytail.

“Thanks,” remarked Nikki.

“So are we still friends?” asked Clara tentatively.

“Of course, it hurt like hell when we weren’t talking and I need you more than ever now,” supplied Nikki.

“I’m with you Nicole, all the way!” pledged Clara, “I can’t leave you when you’ve had such a bad time and I don’t mind you being a girl. Actually I think it suits you and I’ve always felt you’d have been better off as a chick with your looks, tastes and behaviour,” Clara remarked.

“I had no idea that’s what you wanted,” she finished.

“It hurt so much when you always said that,” confessed Nikki.

“Why?” said Clara, alarmed.

“Because it’s how I felt and I thought it would never happen,” Nikki answered, “and when you talked about boys you liked I couldn’t even tell you I liked them too,” my sister carried on.

“Sorry Nicole,” said Clara.

“It’s okay now. I don’t have to hide anymore and I can openly like boys,” smiled Nikki.

“I figured that one out ages ago when I noticed how you’d get all excited about and then dropped stuff or stammered near nice boys. You never did that with girls at all nor did you ever have a girlfriend or talk about girls,” returned Clara

“I just thought you were different but I didn’t think much of it,” she added.

*********************************

“Hello Sue,” began Lizzie Jones (Clara’s Mum) after her daughter had hurtled into our house.

“Sorry about Clara just bursting in like that but she got an email from Nikki about having wanted to die and being a girl and she was in a state. Is it that bad luv?” asked Clara’s mother.

The two women had become friends through their children, a relationship later strengthened by them working together in my mother’s accounting business.

“Yes Liz, sit down,” said Mum before starting to make to make a cup of tea for her friend.

“Nikki was so distraught,” began Mum before telling her friend the whole story.

“After everything Nikki told me I couldn’t force her to be a boy again. We’re taking her to a doctor and changing her name and letting live the way she wants,” finished Mum

Mrs Jones was horrified at what Nikki had been going through.

“I suppose you feel awful,” she said sympathetically.

“Yes I’d see Nikki every day and had no idea her life was hell or that she was suicidal. Liz if she’d died….” said Mum before falling apart and crying.

“It’s not your fault Sue. These things happen and Nikki’s still alive and she’s feeling happy,” advised Mrs Jones as she comforted her friend.

*********************************

“We’re supposed to be going for a picnic, wanna come?” said Nicole magnanimously as Clara brushed her hair.

“Definitely, we can take some art things and I’ll show you what I learnt at art camp,” said Clara happily.

“You never told me, was it fun?” asked Nikki.

“Without you? Nope. I missed you the whole time. Promise me we’ll never fight again,” said Clara gently.

“I promise,” agreed Nicole sweetly.

Clara and Nicole went downstairs to their mother’s, better friends than ever before.

“Hi Aunt Lizzie,” said Nicole brightly when they walked into the kitchen.

“Hi honey,” said Aunt Liz, “you look beautiful,”

“How are you?” she said with a motherly affection.

“Thank you. I’m wonderful. I feel great,” said Nikki airily. “How are you?” she added politely.

“I’ll be all right when I get a hug from you Nicole after all we’ve never met,” said Clara’s Mum warmly, opening her arms.

The pair of them hugged. “I’m glad you’re okay dear,” said Aunt Liz.

“Me too,” said Nikki softly.

Smiling Nicole turned to Mum,

“Could Clara come along for our picnic? We’ve got so much to catch up on,” requested Nikki.

“If its fine with Liz,” replied Mum.

Clara looked pleadingly at her mother.

“Of course it is,” agreed Mrs Jones.

No one enjoyed that picnic as much as Clara and Nicole happy to be together though Mum probably was a close second watching us all have fun and holding hands with Dad.

Nikki and Clara were having fun drawing side by side and discussing things, while Laura and I chatted about the boys we’d seen at camp as well as the school rumour mill. Unexpectedly Clara’s phone rang.

“It’s George, I bet he wants to talk about you,” she said to Nikki.

“Answer it,” urged Nicole.

“Hey George what’s up?” said Clara.

“Hey. Did you get an email from Nick this morning?” said George sounding worried.

Nikki nodded quickly when she heard this.

“I did it made me cry,” Clara looking at Nikki.

“I couldn’t believe it too. I had no idea things were so bad. Nick actually waved goodbye on Thursday and I just smiled and waved back not knowing how unhappy she was,” replied George.

Nikki registered the use of the word “she” and felt glad.

“I’ve called her house and her mobile but there’s no answer. Do you have any idea where she is, we need to talk to her,” he continued.

“Do you believe she’s a girl all that stuff about gender dysphoria?” asked Clara, reading from a paper Nikki was holding up to her.

“Yeah it makes sense. I googled it and it sounds just like Nick and it explains why she’s got breasts and has been so upset but I never thought she wanted to die,” said George making Nikki open her mouth, amazed George knew seeing as she hadn’t told him in the email and had done her best to flatten her chest over the school year.

“I’d never noticed that she had breasts all I saw was her misery,” said Clara, abandoning Nikki’s script.

“Well I’m a guy. I’m trained to see that kind of thing but do you know where she is?” asked George, “We have to tell her we care,” said George, at first teasingly, then dead serious and Nikki thought she’d never find better friends.

Clara noticed her glimmering eyes and patted her arm.

“I went to a picnic with her after I went to her house after I got that email. She’s with her parents now, should I get her?” said Clara although Nikki was right next to her.

“You are?” Why didn’t you say? Call her now,” barked George .Clara and Nikki smiled at each other.

“George,” said Nikki after a suitable interval.

“Nikki, are you alright?” said her second best friend.

“I’m fine. I’ve never been better,” responded Nikki warmly.

*********************************

The two month holiday in July and August 2004 qualified as Nikki’s Indian summer. So many good things happened in her life. First she got her name changed. This was followed by a diagnosis of gender dysphoria from a psychologist.

This culminated in a referral to the Portman and Tavistock Clinic and a place on a 2 month waiting list. Our GP, Dr Black and Nikki’s psychologist also thought it best that Nikki continue the hormones but on their watch because they didn’t think it would bode well for Nikki to stop after all this time as her mental state wouldn’t be helped by it. I think they thought it would probably drive her crazy if her body was re-exposed to testosterone. So she continued filling out as a girl much to her joy.

At home things were just great in her view. Laura and Nikki had become extremely close despite their four year age difference. They did loads of stuff together and loved each other like crazy and slowly Nikki supplanted me as the older sister and Laura’s favourite.

Mum was also gaga about Nicole and did everything to make up for Nikki’s lost years and to ensure that she felt wanted. Nikki was a rather likeable with a constant smile and a cheerful disposition and it was really easy to love her and Mum did that.

She subconsciously spoiled Nikki with shopping trips, money and loads of affection and Nikki always tried to make sure Laura and I got a fair share of it by including us as much as possible. She never let it go to her head just as before.

Laura the baby of the family could never feel threatened by Nikki just because of her status as the last child. I however felt very threatened and subconsciously excluded myself from whatever Nikki did which only served to worsen my insecurity.

As for Clara and George, the ‘new’ Nikki was a fascinating breath of fresh air and they grew closer as a trio and appreciated each other more. The girls spent every single day in each other’s company and felt like twin sisters. With Laura, they would go to the mall and shop till they dropped or simply window-shop, admiring things they couldn’t buy.

Nikki seemed to grow prettier each day and as her hair lengthened and her breasts grew she looked more and more attractive and her confidence in herself was sky high. Clara was a great help as a mentor as was Laura, having fun teaching Nikki things like arranging her hair, walking in high heels and Nicole was a quick and eager learner mastering her lessons in quick time.

With George she could spend ages playing football games on their PlayStations’ or carrying on their eternal argument over whether Nikki’s Man Utd was better than George’s Liverpool. Being a girl didn’t mean being glammed up all the time or abandoning ‘boyish’ stuff she’d learned to love.

Still getting to do stuff she’d been unable to do but had longed for over her life like wearing dresses and skirts daily, keeping her hair long and being free to express herself as a girl just by being one was entirely novel and thoroughly exciting.

Our parents’ watched Nikki blossom and stopped marveling about how much Nikki had changed from a few months back. It was now normal to them to see a happy girl where there’d once been a boy.

Everything was tolerable until one day when Clara and Nicole were out on some jaunt and they bumped into their classmate and Clara’s friend Vicky Wang who was stupefied to see Nikki in a skirt, high heels and with a cleavage and long hair. It didn’t take much for her to recognize her schoolmate.

“Nick,” she’d said in disbelief.

Nicole and Clara were rather amused at her reaction.

“I’m called Nicole now,” said Nikki warmly.

Clara thought Vicky’s eyes would pop out if she kept staring and she said as much.

“Vicky your eyes will pop out and you should know it’s rude to stare,” she said light heartedly.

“Wow, you’re a girl,” she murmured.

“Uh ha,” said Nikki grinning.

“Since when?” asked the other girl.

“Since she was born,” answered Clara.

“It’s a long story but I stopped living as a guy on closing day if that’s what you meant,” put in Nicole upon seeing the confused look on Vicky’s face.

“So are you coming back to school?” asked Vicky with interest.

Clara and Nicole shared a quick look, this was the one thing they’d actually overlooked since Nicole came out although our parents were thinking about it day and night and I dreaded people at school finding out about Nicole.

“I don’t know. We haven’t talked to my parents about it,” replied Nicole with all honesty.

Vicky naturally shared this piece of information with her mother and her little sister, Lucy. Because this was arguably the hottest piece of news in ages both Lucy and Vicky had also shared it with all their friends who in turn shared it with all their years so that by nightfall thanks to the wonders of modern communication all the girls going to Upper Sixth that year a lot of those in their GCSE year in which Lucy was a classmate KNEW that Nikki was dressing and presenting as girl and according to the grapevine had been operated on!

Rose and Maryanne both excellent gossips and my best mates were early recipients of this. Of course they immediately came over to my house to tell me what people were saying and perhaps see for themselves.

They hadn’t seen Nicole yet because by careful trickery I’d prevented them from coming over for the whole holiday. Laura also hadn’t brought anyone over either because Mum wanted to give Nikki breathing space and time to adjust without being gawped at. Consequently she’d been the only one able to have her pals over since they knew and were so supportive.

Before I could deal with the allegations, Clara and Nicole chose that moment to come back home saving me from lying but earning my immediate dislike.

The pair of them strolled cheerfully into the kitchen from the hallway, laughing merrily and found my friends and me chilling there. Both them stopped laughing upon seeing us.

“Oh,” said Clara in surprise, “hi,”

Rosie and Maryanne goggled at Nicole. There was nothing for me to do but curse silently and do the introductions.

“This is Nicole,” I said to Rosie and Maryanne as they stared.

“Hello,” began Nikki with a smile.

I really could have strangled Nikki right then. I was so embarrassed.

“Hi,” said my friends after a while, remembering their manners at last.

Nothing more was said. Rosie and Maryanne were clearly at a loss for words and Nikki and Clara went over to the fridge, helped themselves to some cake slices and left.

“Later,” said Nikki as they walked out.

My friends and I sat in silence for a while afterwards. I waited for them to say something, however none of them seemed to be able to look at me and their tongues were tied.

“I guess you heard right,” I began quietly, “So what do you think?” I hedged.

“She’s gorgeous,” remarked Rosie.

“Weird,” said Maryanne.

I nodded at her statement.

“I thought she looked normal,” commented Rosie, which was totally true.

Nikki looked as normal as the next person and it irritated me more than if she’d been really crazy because I couldn’t even claim she was mad to excuse her choice of gender.

“Why’d your parents allow this?” asked Maryanne sounding almost disgusted.

I wasn’t too sure if I should tell them what Mum and Dad had told us as it felt like a betrayal of some sort.

“You won’t tell anyone if I tell you?” I replied.

Rosie and Maryanne agreed not to tell anyone and I trusted them.

“She was going to kill herself. Mum found her about to do it on closing day,” I explained.

Maryanne was shocked, “That’s crazy! Why’d Nick want to do that?”

“Don’t be so heartless!” scolded Rosie, “It must have been really major coz killing your self’s the last option when things are awful,”

I ignored her and carried on, “Mum and Dad took her to the doctor and they were told to let her stay as a chick. They’ve already changed her name and she’ll get an operation,” I continued.

“Then I suppose there’s nothing wrong is there? It’s all medical and so on” supposed Rosie.

“Nothing wrong?” I replied aghast. “What are people at school gonna say?” I said angrily.

“Becky how can you say that? She’s your sister and wanted to kill herself and all you can think about is school,” said Rosie indignantly.

“Well it’s not like you’ll be the one everyone’s going to be staring or making fun of,” I snapped.

“No and it won’t be you either. It’ll be Nicole and if she was my sister I’d rather get teased than go to her funeral,” answered Rosie tempestuously.

“Easy for you to say because no one in your family’s a freak,” I retorted.

“I think you’re a heartless bitch!” said Rosie standing up. “If you can say that about your own sister I don’t think you’d value your friends either,’” she declared before storming out of my home.

Of course I blamed Nicole for the loss of my friend thinking I wouldn’t have had that row with Rosie if Nikki had remained a boy. Maryanne was the only witness of our row and she sided with me. Consequently my attitude towards Nikki and Clara cooled to ice. I hated seeing them in the house laughing, chatting, doing each other’s hair and being so close.

To make things worse Nikki broached the subject of school with our parents the day after her meeting with Vicky. George had informed his friends that Samantha, now the Head girl and his beau had showed him a message going round concerning Nikki’s transition.

“We’ve been thinking about transferring you because we don’t know if Holyhead will let you come back as a girl,” said Mum in response to her daughter’s question about what they were going to do about school.

Nikki’s heart sank and it showed on her face.

“Clara and George are there and I love the teachers. Couldn’t we at least find out if they’ll take me back,” replied Nicole rather upset.

Our parents shared a look.

“All right Nikki we’ll make an appointment with Mr Delaney and see if they’ll have you but don’t set your hopes too high,” agreed Dad not wanting to disappoint her.

I could have groaned as I heard them from the dining room. I texted Maryanne,

“Bad news Nikki might come back to school. I’ll just die if that happens!”

“Bummer .I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you”, came the reply.

Laura continued being the model sister. She brought three of her friends over later that afternoon and introduced them to Nicole. Nikki was a hit winning their affection almost instantly because unlike me Laura cared and loved having Nicole as an older sister and her friends took the same line.

Anyway Nikki was adored by a lot of the smaller kids at school because she didn’t treat them like the lowest form of life but as equals and was probably the prefect they felt closest too most. They were bound to like her even as a girl.

To be continued.

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