…It was 7:10 and I had a surprise visitor, Matt Petersen had come to see me with Brianna. He was taken back both by how Bri reacted to me and how much of a girl I was. He shared, “Where is the troublesome boy?”…
Jeff is here and neither he nor I are angels.” Bri gave me a hug saying “Angel.” I could not help but cry…
… if I went to stay with the Petersens it was to stay as Jessie and for now to be their foster child. I would need to visit with her regularly and they wanted me on a hormone blocker for one month.
By Jessica C
Till now I had not made trouble at the hospital but neither was I really cooperative or taking care of myself. I asked if they would mind if I used some make-up while they were there. But I was shaking so much that Marie took over the job. She did not put on much, but it made a noticeable difference. Mom Ford did my nails. It was time for dinner and the Fords went home. I was now feeling like a prisoner, who had to stay.
I took a quick shower and changed my clothes and went to visit some of the other girls. It was 7:30 and I had a surprise visitor, Matt Petersen had come to see me with Brianna. He was taken back both by how Bri reacted to me and how much of a girl I was. He shared, “Where is the troublesome boy?”
“Jeff is here and neither he nor I are angels,” I answered. Bri gave me a hug saying “Angel.” I could not help but cry as I took her into my arms. He asked me if I planned to stay and become Jessie. I told him I could not be truthful in saying I knew. “Too much has happened, Jessie feels so natural, but I am not sure. There is so much more to being a girl.”
“We would so much like you to be with us for Christmas. it may not be fair, but as family we are very interested in Jessie.”
“That would be fair; as Jeff already has a family he can go back to.” I said it, but I was not really sure if Jeff had a family to go back to. “I’m afraid it won’t be a Merry Christmas for anyone with me, if I’m coming to be back here or in a group home the next day.”
I was up and going in the morning, including makeup. I had no expectations for the day so I focused on being girl I wanted to be. With the exception that I was wearing a skirt and most of the others were wearing jeans or their pajamas and robe, we began to identify and visit with whom we would.
One girl got in my face, telling me she couldn’t believe someone wanted to wear bras, make-up or skirts. I know Maria says a lot of girls don’t like them as much as I do.
I was called to meet with Dr. Deb and she shared that if I went to stay with the Petersens it would be to stay as Jessie and to be their foster child. I would need to visit with her and another person regularly. The Petersens wanted and the hospital would put me on a hormone blocker for one month.
“We believe you need to meet with transgender specialist and other specialists to determine what is going on in your life. We agree with you, you are not ready to commit to being Jessie. The hormone blocker would just allow time to consider if you are Jessie, Jeff or something a bit more complicated.”
“So you are taking me seriously as a girl?”
“You seem at home as Jessica with your friend Maria last night, and the other girls on the floor this morning. We might bring you into a mixed group session either this afternoon or tomorrow.”
They also wanted me to wear some appliances to have the appearance and function of a girl. One was a vagina gaff between my legs and two faux breasts appropriate for a girl in 10th grade. “If, you went, you would be expected to stay with the Petersens for a minimum of thirty days and to abide by their rules.” If I agreed to those things, others still needed to be approved the arrangement so it was not a done deal.
Deb took me to the salon and asked if they could give me a nice girl cut. The hairdresser had only one opening and it was now. I agreed, and the beautician quickly gave me a shampoo and took to shaping and setting my hair. Two sandwiches were brought in, one for each of us.
By 1:00 p.m. I was under the dryer and feeling like I had died and gone to heaven. I liked when she brought me out from under the dryer and began taking out the curlers and brushing out my hair. The curls were not tight but gentle and flowing and my hair appeared longer than I realized.
The Beautician and Deb asked “Are you pleased with how it turned out?” I was turned to the mirror and as I saw myself, I began to cry. The beautician gave me instructions on how to take care of my hair and how to brush it back into style if it gets blown out of shape.
Deb took me by the hand, asking me to quickly change my dress and she would help redo my make-up. I did so but I felt she was up to more than she was telling. The dress was simple but it looked good on me. She changed my eye shadow to hazel, darkened my eyebrows and softened my skin tone while putting a little blush into my cheeks.
It was a moment later and a nurse came to check on me and asked where Jessica was? The change was significant enough to give me a new look. She called the Head Nurse who likewise was surprised with the transformation.
“Jessie, come with me as the transformation will continue.”
I asked if my parents had to approve my going to a foster home. She told me they did know and as long as I wasn’t giving up on Jessica my father had given responsibility for me over to the court.
He expects you to come to your senses and ask to be received back as Jeff. He stated it is taking longer than the doctor who is advising thought, but was sure I would give in.
I asked what my mother said and if I would be seeing them. Dr. Deb shared, it was agreed they would not contact me and I was not to be contacting them for the immediate future
We got to a specialist on the OB/GYN floor. I had to strip down and as they attached my vagina appliance. The work it took helped me to understand why they were calling it an appliance. I hadn’t seen a woman’s vagina so when I was asked how it looked. “I am embarrassed to say but I don’t know what it should look like.”
Deb shared, “It looks real and looks very nice on you.” The technician trace two forms on my chest coated the area with adhesive onto both areas and carefully placed the breast forms before pressing them. The technician closely matched the skin tone and when she was done I laughed and said, “Even I know these look really good.”Both Deb and the technician laughed.
Before I could get dressed Dr. Deb gave me two injections. The first was the testosterone blocker and the second was a mild dose of female hormones which I was not expecting. It was 4:30 when Dr. Deb got be back to my floor and room, where I discovered my belongings were packed.
I turned to Deb and she was smiling, “Everything was approved and The Petersens wanted to come and get you as soon as possible.”
It wasn’t ten minutes and I saw Bri walking through my door with a teddy bear. Sharon and Matt came in next and I hurriedly ran for the toilet, but picked up Bri on the way.
I was going to wet my panties if I did not get there fast enough. Bri told me it was my bear. When I was done and washed my hands I went out and Sharon greeted me with a big hug. Dr. Deb and the head nurse walked us through the conditions of my release to my foster family. The big surprise was I was to legally be Jennifer Petersen.
We would be going out to eat, but Sharon needed to nurse Bri first. I turned my head, but mom reminded me that it should not be embarrassing to a girl. I smiled and relaxed. When Bri was finished nursing I checked her diaper and ended up changing her.
She smiled at me and I laughed that such a thing helped me feel very much a part of the family. Matt changed the plan and ordered a pizza to be picked up on the way home. My bedroom was small but very nice. It was a light yellow room with a pink and lace bedspread.
I called Marie to let her know I was out of the hospital and living with the Petersens. The pizza was good and come 8:00 p.m. we were joined by three friends stopping to celebrate the growing family. One was a younger sister to Matt and the other two were teacher friends of Sharon’s.
It was 9:30 when mom had me help her put Bri to bed. Bri was tired and ready to sleep. Mom asked me to hurry and change into my pajamas and to come back out with a robe on. It took me extra time as I needed to get my makeup off. Having breasts and the gaff made wearing pajamas feel different.
It was 11 before the others went home, but Mom and I stayed up and talked past mid-night. Matt gave me a hug and mom a kiss and went to bed around 11:30. I asked Mrs. Petersen if it was okay to call her Mom and Matt Dad?
We talked about all the changes I was going through such as having a vagina. She giggled then shared that she hoped I would let her see me as she felt it important to know for future reference. I was a little self-conscious until she told me how beautiful I was.
I thought I was ready for bed when Mom took me to the bathroom and helped put my hair up for the night and to use a moisturizer on my face. Mom had changed for bed and came back to say a prayer with me and to give me a goodnight kiss. It meant more than she knew.
She handed me by new bear and suggested I give myself some time to experience being a little girl. I thought it was a little silly until I found myself hugging my bear and crying. I woke up at 3, scared and crying; Mom had already woken up and heard me crying. She hugged me until I woke up and stopped crying. She had me rest my head on her lap and stroked my hair as I fell back to sleep.
I was up just after 7 and Mom told me to get dressed for a shopping day. I was quickly in jeans and a two layered top. I got Bree up and dressed her for the day. Mom had breakfast ready for us as Dad was leaving for work. It was 9:30 before we got away from the house, Mom lent me one of her purses.
Dad had given me two envelopes one for Christmas presents and the other as spending money as well as for help with my clothing needs. I was just overdosing on possibilities and could have used all my money up by 10:30. Mom set down the law; I was going to be a shopper first and a buyer second or somewhere further down road. We went to JC Penny’s to get me a variety of panties, pantyhose and socks. She took me to three jewelry stores and then back to Penny’s and Claire’s where mom had me mostly try things on and then expressed my preferences.
I was away from Mom and Bree when I heard a guy giving a rough time to the girl who was with him. When he hit her I was enraged and went over and caught his fist on his third time to hit her. He was more angry than embarrassed and said what he did was her fault.
I slapped him real hard but it was as a girl. I told him to get and leave, but he shared that she was his girl and he already told her he would give her a ride home. “She is not riding home with you today.”
“B’h, you don’t tell me what to do, I am her boyfriend.”
“Get out of here before I call security.” It was then he left and soon after that Mom showed up. The girl’s name was Olivia, she and I were now calmed down. Olivia was a year ahead of me in school and attended a neighboring school.
We got something to eat together and we continued our shopping. While we were shopping Mom realized Olivia was the daughter of a friend and that she knew of Olivia. When we were finished shopping mom gave Olivia a ride to her home.
Olivia shared she enjoyed her time with me and was wondering as an expression of thanks if we could go to a movie tonight, her treat. I asked to take a rain check, and I suggested the following Saturday if my folks said it was okay. She asked “Aunt Sharon could you come over during the holidays and bring your two daughters.” Mom smile and said it was possible “or the two of you could visit us.”
I had walked Olivia up to the house and for some reason we kissed as we said goodnight. I ran back to the car and was not going to say anything; I was afraid what mom would say. I was afraid she would take me directly back to the hospital. “Did she get a kiss out of you?”
“Don’t get mad, I will never do it again, I promise.”
Mom drove us home and put Bree on her breast to nurse. She slipped of her clothes while nursing and pulled out a pair of jeans. I helped to hold them as she scooted them up with one hand while holding Bree with the other. I must have had a strange look as Mom looked at me and began to laugh as she sat down. “O my young lady, I am sorry, but I am way too comfortable around you as another woman. But in my heart you are my daughter and in my eyes you are all woman.”
“Thanks Mom, I think that is a neat compliment.” The doorbell rang and I ran to see who it was. It was mom’s younger sister, we hadn’t met but she looked so much like Sharon I guessed who she was. I asked her to step in, but she was already making herself at home. Mom stepped out carrying Bree as she finished nursing. Jeannette looked at her sister and then me and smirked. I sat down kind of covering my eyes and Jeanette began to laugh.
“Sis, you are corrupting and embarrassing your daughter,” please cover up. Jeannette shaid to me, “You better get used to it if you are going to be her daughter. With my sister you will be on a quick learning curve… So how did you and my sister meet?” I shared I was a naïve boy, that had a crush on hrr sister but ended up doing all the wrong things. “So did you want to be a girl even back then?”
Sharon had finished nursing Bree and put her down for a nap. Sharon hugged her sister and then me. She told her sister how she had me help her with her jeans and Jeanette was literally rolling on the floor. She asked me if I saw through her panties, and my blushing face was all the answer each needed.
“Sis said you were to get your own vagina yesterday.” We continued to talk until Matt got home. Mom was fixing dinner and Jeanette showed me where things were so I could set the table. After the table was set, she took me to my room and made suggestions about arranging the room. She suggested things I needed to do like painting the room, getting pictures of my friends, posters of boys and bands and things I like that were Jenn friendly.
I asked what she thought about me getting a doll or getting a bicycle with a toddler’s seat. She liked both ideas but said I would soon tire of having Bree going places with me. I told her I didn’t think so. She asked if I would go on a short shopping trip with her after dinner. So I thought it was strange when we showed up at the library, but I soon had a library card and two books. My aunt told me girls tend to read more and it was also a good way to hear about girls and how they lived, or were expected to.
The second stop was to get me three camisoles but we ended up with five. Jenn told me it was good to have my clothes layered and that even when it was not seen it was good to have a light weight camisole on under a sweater. She said it was a girl’s version of clean underwear in case of emergencies.
Dad laughed when we got back to the house. Dad had hung lights outside while Mom and me had decorated the inside. It was very warm and festive for the holidays. Jeanette visited and I played with Bree.
Jeanette was going out the following night with her finance’ when I suggested my parents go with her. Sharon wanted to go but they thought it was too late to get tickets and a sitter. I asked if I was big or responsible enough to take care of Bree.
Saturday I was helping around the house with chores when we got a call and Mrs. Ford wanted to take me Christmas shopping. Marie and one other daughter were with her. I had a short list of what my new parents wanted, but I selected nice sweaters for the two of them. They matched it style but the colors were subtly different; Mrs. Ford agreed with my decision. I got an outfit for Bree and little story book with three stories. I got candles for grandparents.
I was home by four and ready to care for Bree. Marie was given permission to watch a Disney movie with us. When the movie ended I was surprised to find Bree had been trying to nurse off of me and my blouse and bra were very wet. I gave Bree a drink in her sippy cup and waited a half hour to put her to bed.
Marie helped me to rearrange my bedroom using a table as a vanity table and set my make-up and jewelry accordingly. It was only 9:30 when we called the Fords for Marie’s ride. It was 11:30 when my parents came home and I had just fallen asleep. Dad asked me how much I weighed as he scooped down to pick me up. I thought I was still about 137 pounds but mom shared Dr. Deb expected me to stabilize at near 125 pounds.
I grabbed dad’s neck as he lifted me with little trouble. Dad told me scoot of my skirt and blouse and he’d put me to bed. Mom came in and shared while it was a cute idea and I should be happy to have such a dad. I needed to get up and take off my make-up and take care of my skin. Mom also helped me get off my bra. When I was ready for bed, mom called dad and suggested he say a prayer with me and tuck me in.
It was just before seven when Mom woke me up for church. I shared I just wanted to stay home and get use to being in my family. Mom said after church. We were on our way and to their church by 9:00 a.m. Mom led us in and we were a number of families in the service.
Two high school students welcomed me and asked me to come to their fellowship group. After church we exchanged cell numbers and she would call me after the New Year. Three guys came over and wanted to take us out. I shook my head and Dad was nice enough to call me to get going.
The guys were looking good. Mom caught me taking a second look at one and flirting. Dad took us out for dinner. I am distracted by the cold coming up my skirt. One of dad’s customers is out with his family and we are invited to eat with them. They have two have two sons one in high school and the other home from college. Todd is the older of the two and he is good looking but unfortunately seems to know it.
The younger brother Jason is handsome but has not filled out like his brother. They both extend an arm to me and I decide to be a diplomat and take both. Todd flirted with the waitress, but got upset when I gave attention to his brother. Mom realized I needed to go to the women’s room but I was not sure if I could.
She asked me take to Bree to the family room and to check her and to see if she would drink part of a bottle. I was feeding Bree when I heard a knock and it was Sandy. She had seen me earlier and came to watch Bree while I did what was needed. Sandy knew I could handle it but she was happy to see me and wanted to visit.
She got Marie on the phone and I would have talked but I knew I needed to get back to the table. There was a pianist playing and the men were invited to dance with their wives. Jason waited and then risked asking me to dance. I paused and Todd joked that I was waiting for the older brother. I raised my hand to Jason so he could escort me to the floor.
I knew Jason was nervous and I thanked him for asking but asked that he relax. “Jason, I am not use to dancing in a long skirt so if you would relax I could too.” I asked him what sports he played. He started by saying he was not the athlete his brother is. I responded, “It is you I am dancing with and you I have asked about. Please do not discount a girl when she is with you. Am I less important because I agreed to dance with you?”
Jason smiled and he said “Any guy would be honored to dance with you.”
“Thank you that is the guy I agreed to dance with.” Jason smiled and we finished our dance. Both moms were duly impressed that it was Jason and I dancing. Jason asked if I would go out with him. I shared I would not be planning my social calendar until after the New Year and I was settled into my new home.
Most people were assuming Sharon to be an aunt, though I did receive a number of nice compliments that I looked like her. When we got home Mom gave me permission to kick back and relax. When I found out she was planning to make some Christmas cookies, I dressed appropriately and was quickly out to help her. She was planning on making two small batches of cookies but with my help it turned out to be over ten dozen.
With mom’s permission I made up a light red batter with a peppermint flavor and a green batter of dough with a lighter mint taste. While it was simple she said she had not seen it done since she was a girl. I joked asking if that was very long ago. When dad poked his head in the kitchen I was sporting a dusting of flour on my face and hair.
Mom had her arms wrapped around me until I promised not to do anything. I thought it was neat, but I also teared up as it caused me to miss my own parents. With Sharon and Matt’s permission I wrote a Christmas card to my parents.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I love you and miss greatly being with you, especially for Christmas. I deeply believe you love me too, but were hurt about me being a girl as well as your son. I was just helping making Christmas cookies and felt joy about all that I have learned growing up. I have good manners, know how to help. Eddy was probably right that I dressed up as a girl for myself as well as in support of him. Whatever happens in the future I am not only your son, but so many other things that cause someone to be a good person.
Some nice people have taken me in for Christmas and the coming month. I agreed with Dr. Deb that there is much more to being a girl than one wearing dresses. I have a little sister. She and her mom bring out more of the girl in me. If you look and think you see me, don’t get upset, because that person probably isn’t me. I don’t think Jeff is very visible right now, though he is alive forever.
Please pray for me as I will for you and my brothers. Please forgive me for any and all hurt I have caused you. Doug did not do anything wrong to cause me to feel like a girl. I think the opposite is true, you helped me to be strong enough to want to be a whole person.
Please know God’s love will help me to be the person God should so bless me to be. I am not sure, but I think as a girl I even have a decent singing voice.
Merry Christmas, Me
Mom Petersen read my letter and we cried as she hugged me. I am learning that crying can be a good thing. Mom took it to Dr. Deb in the morning and I understand it was delivered to my folks on Christmas Eve. Dr. Deb said even my Dad was happy that I wrote and sent a Christmas card. She said my mother wanted too but neither she nor my dad knew what to say.
I took the next two days to get use to being my new self as well as well as to get ready for Christmas. Dad’s youngest sister took me out to breakfast Christmas eve. She heard that it was my birthday during the time I was at odds with my family so she bought a fancy doll and two posters for my room. My clothes to go to church Christmas Eve were in Bree’s room as Mom said there was one gift too large to wrap so it was placed in my room to be given Christmas day.
It had started to snow at five when Marie asked me to go caroling with her church group. Mom gave permission if I was home by 9:00 p.m. and not too tired for church. We went about a dozen places. Marie, Sandy and I were all surprised how well I sang as a girl.
Once at a care center we were singing Silent Night and others stopped and I found myself singing alone and the group came back in on the last verse. I was embarrassed but Marie and others shared it was a gift to the residents. Sandy and Marie had to come into the house and tell my folks how well I sang.
Mom was a proud mother. She asked Sandy and Marie to go to church with us. Marie was interested, as her family wasn’t going to a service. Marie shared she would but she didn’t have anything to wear. Mom jokingly suggested that she check my closet as we wore the same size. It was Sandy who knew the dress to suggest. She laughed as Marie had many outfits, but she was not known to wear an actual dress as Sandy was suggesting.
Mom had to take Marie into my room as I had to wait until tomorrow to see my gift. Sandy stayed around long enough to see Marie in the dress. Dad joked that last Christmas they had their first Christmas as a family with Brianna now he was going to church driving four women. The Church service had a nice covering of snow that made for a beautiful night.
We dropped Marie at her house then went home. Mom set Bree down and she went running calling my name. She ran into my room and Mom told me to follow. I went into the room gasped as I looked back to my Mom as I picked up Bree. Dad came in smiling.
He said this was not a Christmas gift but just for his daughter. My parents had bought me a full-size bed, vanity and dresser. Michelle’s doll was set in the middle of the pillow. I was in tears as Mom and Dad came over and hugged me. It was an hour before I showered and was ready for bed.
I went to put my gifts out under the tree. Mom was in a cute camisole and without a robe. Dad laughed as he caught me with a hug, “Just think a lot of people think you look a lot like your mom.”
I joked that I didn’t know Santa was that pretty. Dad joked that Mom should wear a robe unless she wanted to tempt Jenn to be her son. It was the first time I thought how Mom would have looked to a boy. I had not even thought to look at her that way.
It was after two o’clock when mom tucked me into bed and gave me a goodnight kiss. I was crying as mom sat down and talked with me. It was a combination of all the changes of the past month and how things in many ways had gone well for me.
We were up at 6:30 and Bree was the center of our morning. I took the camera so Mom and Dad could each enjoy their baby. Bree is just a very happy girl. She enjoyed her gifts as well as the wrapping and the lights. I think Mom and Dad were as tickled with the storybook that I got Bree as I was. Mom made sure we brought it when we went to her parents’ house.
We were celebrating Christmas at the Stafford’s. It was just over an hour and half trip even with the light snow. It was the first time I met Mom’s parents and they were expected to receive me as Mom and Dad’s foster child. While I was treated well with gifts, the day went even better. My manners paid dividends with grandma and I enjoyed myself.
Sharon’s middle sister had a baby born in September and I was happy to take care of her as well as Bree. We stayed overnight and as I was in my pajamas Mom complimented the behavior of her oldest daughter. I guess Grandma was impressed on how we acted so well as a family.
It was Thursday when Olivia called as we had a date for Saturday night. Marie and Sandy were over early Friday and when Marie reached over and gave me a hug. Something caused me to ask if she was jealous that I was going out with Olivia. Marie was honest enough to share she was and the three of us had a good talk about my needing time and space to learn how to be friends with people. Jeff really did not have very many friends.
Marie had recently broken up with her last boyfriend and so both of us were kind of on a rebound of change. We were very good friends and we decided that was too valuable to fool around with at this point. We decided if I was still a girl come the winter ball Sand, Marie and I would go to the dance in a group. Marie and Sandy would help me learn to be a girl.
Olivia called asking if our going could be changed to a double date with some nice guys from her class. Strange enough my date’s name would be Jeff. But name is where our resemblance ended. He was 6’3” and a sturdy 220 pounds. It was a nice date and it actually felt nice to be in the arms of a guy his strength.
He politely asked for a kiss to end the night and I was more than happy to share a kiss, but there was not chemistry or sparks. I emailed Marie and she confessed to be happy that my date was just average. She joked that it was nice that I was now having normal girl days.
I went to church with my folks but to youth fellowship with Marie. Several of the kids knew I was a boy seeking to be a girl. The youth leaders were not sure what to say or how to treat me. Several youth spoke up and there was discussion and a quiet agreement that we would just take things one week at a time. The focus was to remain on fellowship and faith and not my identity.
Marie and I were invited to go out with a group for pizza after the meeting. The group was serving hot chocolate, coffee and doughnuts at a rest area on January 2. Marie was already planning to help and Sandy and I agreed to help. People initially thought I was crazy for wearing a skirt even if it was long, but in had a nice pair of insulated tights Mom leant me.
I was quiet comfortable and I was told we girls helped to attract more boys and dads than normal. Between bowl games my Dad took me bowling. I was surprised though I had bowled before it felt very different going as a girl.
My weight and strength had indeed changed. Having breasts also made a noticeable difference with my balance and how I threw the ball. Dad also had an unusual time as other than his own sister he was not use to talking to young women as friends. We had stopped to get a quick bite to eat, but I was now watching my weight and what I ate. I had a scoop of cottage cheese with a pineapple slice and then a ½ slice of pie.
I enjoyed learning about my Dad. He was a good athlete having played football, basketball and baseball in high school and basketball and baseball in college. He had played in adult leagues until Bree was born but was hoping to resume some sports this coming year. I also learned how he and mom met and courted in college. Mom was surprised but pleased when we showed up late because we were talking. She and I were both proud of her husband and my dad.
I had an appointment with Dr. Deb on Friday and everyone was pleased with how well I was doing. There were complaints about how I was behaving and living, but they did not come from my biological parents but the doctor who had been advising them. Luckily he worked with a different hospital and Dr. Deb’s supervising department head, Dr. Moore was very content with how well I was doing.
There was just one area of concern that needed to be addressed. Seemingly my body reacted well to the hormone blocker and better than expected to the mild therapy of female hormones I was given. While they would not increase the level of female hormones I was receiving. They did advise me that I should consider stopping the one blocker and/or stop taking the female hormone therapy. I elected to remain with both and have things checked in two weeks.
When I started back to school as Jenn Petersen I continued to wear skirts and I felt it helped me to continue in girl mode. Boys kept their distance the first week back to school. I even got a few rotten notes and phone calls. But much of that stopped when other boys started to show interest in me as a girl.
I had my first counseling session with Dr. Deb on Tuesday and she shared that my ability of backing off with Olivia and Marie may have been because of the lowering of my testosterone. But she said it was also me growing as a person. She complimented me on desiring to grow as a person and focus on friendship and relationships more than sex or romance.
She shared that it too was a sign of my feminine side growing as well as the character I was raised with. I asked about the change in my voice and new gift of music. She shared the gift was probably already there but tied to my feminine persona.
It was more problematic and frustrating for Jeff to have the interest but have trouble using the gift. She visited more about my developing as Jennifer and how I saw myself in the Petersen family. She said that my natural parents wanted contact with me if and when I decided to move on with my life.
I misunderstood and thought she meant going back to Jeff. I was surprised to find out they were now open to accepting me as a niece and not a son. Deb shared it would take the better part of two or more months, but the Petersens wanted me as their daughter. I was so excited that I dampened my panties just a little before I regained control.
Despite the good news I was very angry and hurt that my natural parents would accept me as a niece, but not their daughter. While as a girl it was my intent to stay with the Petersens, I would need Dr. Deb’s help in working through my relationship with them.
We then returned to the idea of me becoming a member of the Petersen family.
I made a few suggestions and Deb thought it was all good and doable. We talked to my new parents and they were overjoyed at the news. They picked me up and were taking me out to eat. The restaurant owner wanted to treat me to dinner, but Dad shared tonight was special to them as parents. He then asked if the young lady would mind dancing.
I agreed but was surprised to find out it was not to be with him but a grandson. Tadd was back on college semester break. We happened to be four years apart initially I knew he saw the dance as a favor to his grandfather that he did but didn’t want to. But something happened during the dance and he quickly asked me out for Saturday night.
“You do not have to you have been kind enough to dance with me.”
“You are right, it is my desire to ask you, and so would you please go out with me?”
I accepted pending my parents’ approval. He asked about my uncle and aunt but I shared they were adopting me and I am their daughter. “You resemble your mother and sister so I knew you were already related.” I thanked him for the compliment but I knew I was being snowed with my first pick up line.
I was glad that Tadd and I danced before dinner as I had selected an Italian dish and was afraid. Jeff usually wore part of his dinner by the end of the meal if it had a red sauce, I was afraid as Jenn I would do the same. I didn’t see any food spilled on me but would not have been surprised that someone else could. I went to the women’s room with Mom and Bree. Mom complimented on how well I looked and that I was one of the best mannered teenage girls she knew.
We both knew the time was coming that I would act up and we should both enjoy this time. Mom did show me that Dr. Deb had given her a new prescription. It was for a stronger dose for my hormone therapy, if my parents and I were in agreement to do so. I later called Marie to share my news.
I was now singing with the high school choir and was taking voice lesson. Mom bought a keyboard and requested I take piano lessons for a year and a half. I agreed to do so but requested to be on a fast track lesson program. I was learning my notes and timing but I was starting with whole songs that I liked. By Easter I would be able to play three songs and would already comfortable at the keyboard.
Mom had me up early and working-out with her three times a week. Two afternoons we would use exercise videos. I was getting fit and my body was more and more a girl’s. I could bend better and was more graceful.
Thursday after our work out Mom asked to check my chest as well as my male parts. Mom and I were happy in both instances. My breasts had already budded and tonight it was easy to see my breast tissue was developing. That night I called Mom as I was having trouble with my gaff and going to bathroom.
Mom checked me and was surprised about something. Mom sat me down and we talked about my doctor’s appointment the next day. While she wanted me to develop as a girl, she was very sensitive and thoughtful about how I was handling the changes.
She and Dr. Hall were encouraged by my soreness between my legs. Mom did not want me to get false hopes going, but she shared that Dr. Deb and others suspected I might be developing a vagina and more inside as a woman. I asked if that were possible.
Dr. Deb told me it was not only possible but could present a problem if I had a bloody discharge inside if my body was not able to absorb it or let it out. It could set up a major infection and damage vital organs, including my reproduction organs.
Mom said it could be that it was either an answer to prayer or that my female organs had been dormant only because my body had produced too much testosterone. The giving of estrogen and other hormones had awakened my dormant female organs.
Dr. Lisa Ebbs apologized for interrupting us but just as quickly but explained she thought their new daughter was already with them. She had taken some scans and state if she was right by Monday I would be scheduled for surgery.
Mom advised Dad that his daughter was possibly already a girl, just a late bloomer. Dad easily could see my budding breasts through my examination top then looked away and apologized. He sat down and the three of us visited as I put on a robe.
Mom whispered I might want to use a pad till we get to the hospital Monday.
Dad talked about how couples often grew to look similar; he wondered aloud whether that could be true for Sharon, Bree and me. Mom was the first to thank him for the compliment. I snuggled in her arms thanking him for the comparison as it was a real compliment to me.. But deep down my stomach was churning as a big part of me was now beginning to feel inferior to comparison to Mom, Marie and other real girls and women.
Before I went to bed, Mom had me put on a pad with a panty under my pajama bottom.
As Jeff I often worried and had nightmares that assaulted me, now they were there for me as Jenn. I swung from seeing them as nightmares to more and more feeling them to be more pleasant dreams. It took me awhile to get to sleep and I was tired when I woke up. When I went to the loo I discovered my pad had a significant blood discharge
Dad was the one who took me to the doctor and Dr. Deb was called over. My GYN, Dr. Samantha Hull shared that I was indeed developing as a real female. The dripping when I needed to go or stop peeing was from the catheter and should stop in a day or two. They wondered if they should call Mom or speak to Matt. I spoke up and shared Matt was my Dad and he could handle it.
They smiled as I spoke up and called in my dad and shared the news. I too was thrilled with the news, but Dr. Deb saw an expression on my face that said something else was on my mind. She asked and probed a bit but I was in denial and closed up.
I was sent home again and Dr. Deb had a long talk with my parents and that whatever I had bottled up inside needed to be dealt with before things became permanent.
The following days I was indeed sick and getting worse. The first two days I had eaten but come Thursday my stomach was sore and my temper was short. Mom had given me laxatives and joked with Marie when she stopped that I might not be able to sit for long. It was true I couldn’t sit for long as I was getting sicker.
Mom had stopped nursing earlier in the week and was quite sore in the transition. I was given some medicine and after dinner which I didn’t eat. Mom told me to get ready for bed and to call her. Mom had old blanket on the floor and some towels down as well. She called me to lay next her and rest my head on a pillow on her lap.
As I did she opened her blouse and undid her nursing bra. “Jenn, I want you to nurse from me but please try not to bite me.” I protested thinking the idea was gross, but mom insisted. “Remember a week or so ago you said something about not always being an angel. Well there are times I will tell you something as a mother and you don’t need to like it, but I do expect you to do it. This is one of those times.”
Mom gently guided my head and mouth to a nipple. My mouth opened and I worked to find a way my lips and tongue could suck without biting my mom. I began to suck and while Mom winced she said I was doing well. I realized some milk was coming, and as I sucked more of her nipple was in my mouth.
Mom was cradling my head like she held Bree. My eyes had been closed but I peeked a look and to see Mom’s breast and the smile on her face was so beautiful. After a five minutes or more Mom had me rest and changed breasts. Dad came in and asked how we were doing. Mom told him I was relaxing and we would just need to wait and see.
I had stopped nursing but Mom had me continue to lay down as she ran her fingers through my hair and over my cheeks. I felt like a little girl. Mom calmly asked what I was worrying about and without thought I began to open up. Mom shared my fears and worries as a girl and even as Jeff or normal. Girls often worry themselves about how they look, compare themselves to others and need to wrestle with who they are.
“Even though you are likely to be a pretty girl, you or others might focus blemishes or a poorer image.” Mom shared stories about both when she was an ugly duckling and pressures she felt in being attractive. We were visiting when I felt a need to get to the bathroom. Mom held me down and asked me to nurse again.
She threw a towel under my butt. Strangely I knew I was being treated as a sick toddler and I began to nurse again. I had a bowel movement dirtying the towel and myself. Mom held me and talked, it was more like a prayer than a conversation.
“O young Lady, I wish I could save you from worry. I can help you learn and I hope I can be a good mother, but I need to let you grow up and I hope you can love yourself. To me you will always be beautiful. Don’t be in a rush and never think too much of yourself even when you see yourself a beautiful. You will have boyfriends and close friends and sometimes that will hurt. But I pray God will watch over you and that your parents will love you and that you can embrace your feelings and not run from them…”
Mom took me to visit with Dr. Deb.; she got me into see Dr. Hull and I soon had a surgery set for 6:00 pm. with Dr. Lisa Ebbs. The surgery revealed my female organs had indeed begun to develop and appeared to be functioning. My testes had not developed to produce sperm. Dr. Ebbs cleaned my system, removed my testes and did the initial surgery in molding my vagina. I would need more surgeries in the future, pending on what my body did or did not develop.
I would remain in the hospital for two to four days. I would be returning to school on Monday with some limitations. Marie, Sandy and Eddy all visited me while I was in the hospital.
Mom and I talked about how I was in some ways lucky, as difficult as it had been. She said friends like Eddy might not have it so easy. I raised the worry that maybe I never should have changed to a girl and the hurt I caused my other parents.
Mom reminded me about all the times I tried to stop being a girl and how impossible that was. “Your parents hurt because they loved you and didn’t know how to help or accept you. They let go because they loved you. Yet are frustrated because they won’t allow themselves to love you as you are.”
“I hope and believe that they and you will be back into each others’ lives. I hope you will always be a Petersen, but I know I need to love you no matter what happens.” I asked if I needed to make a decision again about being a Petersen or between my parents. Mom shared she hoped not.
The next Monday I was back to school and back to growing as Jenn. Marie and Sandy quickly noticed a change as I was wearing a nice pair of jeans and top. Marie was the first to speak up, “So did you change what you’re wearing because you are or aren’t trying to prove you are a girl?”
Marie went onto compliment me as she noticed my hips were growing. She asked if that meant my breasts were growing as well. Sandy and Marie seem as excited as I was about the news. I had both choir in with my classes and dance practice after school. Both instructors complimented saying they saw a new girl today. It kind of blew my mind that they thought little about my past but just saw the girl in front of them. It was what I want but it came faster than I had been expecting.
A few weeks later, sfter dance practice I started to walk home and one of the high school baseball players caught up to me and wanted to walk with me. He and Jeff had played on the same team several times as they grew up. Kirk had played shortstop, third base or pitching, because of his good glove and strong arm. I had played second, third and outfield, but somehow I knew he was neither seeing nor thinking of Jeff.
He was going through throwing practice before regular practice but was upset that the coach wasn’t really considering him as a pitcher. I joked with him that he should go out for the two week dance class beginning on Monday and I could catch for him after that. He stopped and asked me if I would do that for him. When I asked if he was serious about signing up for the dance class, we both realized he had not heard that part. I said football and other players do it, it wouldn’t hurt a pitcher if her learned how to loosen up or move on his feet.
“If I tried it would you r’ally catch for me?”
“Is that why you ran to walk with me?”
“Well I actually ran because you’re cute, and I hoped I would have the courage to talk with you.”
“I haven’t noticed you had trouble talking.”
“And you haven’t noticed me talking to too many girls. I can talk about baseball and what our class assignment is but that doesn’t get me a date.”
“So are you planning on asking me for a date?” Kirk was embarrassed and unable to speak. “So there’s a dance a week from Saturday, were you going to ask me to the dance?” Kirk nodded a little bit but was still having trouble speaking.
“Do me a favor, put down your books and put your hands on my hips… “Now smile and look me in the eyes… If you ask me the answer would be yes, but you need to ask me.”
“Yes, I mean would you go with me to the dance?”
“When, are you picking me up and if so at what time? I need to know these things if I expect my parents to give me permission.” Kirk relaxed and we talked as we walked I lived a block and a half past him but he was nice enough to walk me the rest of the way.
“You know if I catch you for pitching you will need to find me a glove and some catching gear.” He smiled and bounced off to his home.
Mom was home and asked me what that was about. She knew who Kirk was and smirked that her daughter had gotten him to ask her for a date. “I hope all the guys are this nice.”
“Don’t worry Mom, I will get him to propose in a month and then you won’t have to worry about the others.”
Mom paused in her tracks, looked at me, “Go take a cold shower and quit trying to grow up so fast.” She opened her arms for a hug, but told me I still needed the shower. I called Marie and then Sandy about my encounter with Kirk.
When I called Bridgette, I found out she was a bit upset. She liked Kirk and had wished he had asked her. I suggested Bridgette take introductory dance class. We agreed we would not accept a date from someone in competition with the other.
Monday at lunch I ate with Marie and Sandy, but I saw that Kirk was being hassled my some of the senior ball players. I walked over to confirm our date for Saturday. Brett bantered Kirk some more about going to dance practice.
“I think he is doing it so he has an easier time in switching from third base to pitching so he can save your bacon.” Brett made a face saving remark as he walked away.
Kirk stood up and gave me a hug. “Thanks, now we will have to make good on my pitching performance.”
“You have it in you, between some improvement and a gain in confidence; I know you can do it.” I asked him if he was throwing a splitter. He said he was focusing on his curve and fast ball. I asked what was to go in between those two pitches.
It was nice having Kirk come to dance. Like me, he was not a natural but he did have potential. I worked out pretty good at dance and catching was a different type of stretching. Luckily Kirk had the catching equipment including a good catcher’s mitt. His fast ball was pretty good and his curve was good but not exceptional.
His big problem was he threw most of it right over the plate. It took most of the week to find the inside and outside of the plate with his pitches. By Thursday he was throwing mostly curves, the splitter and change-up. Friday he caught the coach’s eye.
“Kirk, I like what you are doing but what happened to your fastball.”
“Until I get a regular catcher, I am staying down to about 10 fast balls. Jenn is helping me with location and changing my pitches.” I asked if the coach had a speed gun. I shared if he’d use it I let a few more fastballs to be thrown. Coach got the speed gun and the curves were coming in at 60-67 mph, the splitter was 70-74. Then he let loose with a fast ball, 80, 84, 83 mph. The coach smiled and Kirk brought the change up in at 52 mph.
“I don’t know what the others will say about the competition, but if you pitch like that it is too good not to use you.”
I suggested, “Why don’t you use him as a relief pitcher unless someone gets injured. It would not be a threat to the starter but a mean surprise for the opposition. He’s good at third.”
“Are you his girlfriend or agent,” laughed the coach?
“You noticed; so far I think I am just a friend.”
“Yes, I had no trouble noticing. A girlfriend can be good inspiration or a distraction or a bit of both. Since I haven’t seen him this focused unless he is hitting, I would say you are inspiration.”
“He already has the gift and talent.”
“Kirk, I didn’t mean to interrupt but I hope you keep this up and don’t let her get away to the opposition… Jenn say hello to your Mom for me.”
I called Mom on our way home and asked if I could invite Kirk to stay for dinner. When I came in the house alone, she asked if I scared him away. I shared I just asked him to take a shower first.
“Would you known enough to do that?”
“If a girl was talking to me, I would have only thought to stay with her.” Mom giggled. I told her about school, dance and the coach’s comments when he saw Kirk pitching so well. I also told her, “Kirk said hello”.
Mom shared she didn’t know he knew her. “He seems to have a good eye for good looking girls.” Dad drove in and I took a shower and then played with Bree until Kirk showed up. I forgot Marie was also coming over. Kirk was a good sport and took us both out to go bowling. I unfortunately had worn a shorter skirt.
Before we began our first game Marie had looked around for a choice as to who could even our numbers. She chose Chad a junior from the neighboring community. I was once again surprised that things were different doing something as a girl.
The bowling ball I used was probably a pound or two lighter and my boobs changed my balance as well as how I threw the ball. An awkward surprise was the girl’s restroom was in a different direction, but it was also cleaner than the men’s room.
My scores weren’t bad but I sat out to watch Kirk bowl the last game. We played a game of pool and once again my short skirt interfered with how I played. Once I had to reach for the shot but with the wall behind me, I took the shot and let my dignity and my skirt ride up a little. Afterwards I asked if Kirk minded and he said the shot and everything looked real nice.
When we won the game Kirk gave me our first kiss. Marie later asked me if he still had his tonsils. Later she informed me I had kissed him long enough to have known. Kirk took Marie home and then me. It was strange riding past my old home, but for Jenn there was only one home.
I had Kirk stop a block away from my house so we could kiss and talk. By the time I got in the house I had pushed my 11:00 curfew time. Dad laid down the law and shared there was no good reason to be late without calling. I tried giving an insincere apology and Dad saw right through me and asked if that was what I wanted to do.
Dad was right; I did not want him and Mom to distrust me. My next apology was sincere. As we were talking, Bree walked out of her room. I knelt down and picked her up. “Sis be good. Sis be good!”
Dad had me take Bree into mom to say good night. Mom told me to take a shower and come back. It only took me 25 minutes to take off my make-up, shower, dry my hair and get ready for bed. We visited another thirty minutes and I knew Marie was already waiting for me to return her texts or to get on-line.
Such ability to visit, text and do other thing use to be beyond my understanding; it was now normal for Jenn. I confessed to Marie that my panty had gotten warm and damp. It was then Mom poked her head in and told me it was time to shut things down and go to sleep.
Dad acted angry enough to ground me and I was afraid I he would not allow me to go to the dance. “Mom would it be okay if I called Kirk and told him I’m sick. I don’t want to tell him I am grounded.”
“Matt what do you think. Should she call and tell her date she is sick and shouldn’t go out?” Dad laughed but I didn’t think it was funny and I ran to my room crying.
Mom and Dad sent Bree ahead of them as they came into the room. “Jenn are you scared or angry? That is how we felt last night. We haven’t been parents a full two years. I don’t know about you but when I nursed you, it was like the bond of you being our daughter was…” Mom began to cry. I thought Dad would be angry with me, but when I looked up he too was crying.
“Someday you might be grounded, but it won’t be your first dance. I was more scared than your Mom. Your Mom knows you a little bit better; she told me I need to give you room to make a mistake. She said we could ground you this coming week, but not you date night.”
I cried as I said I was sorry, “I didn’t need to be late; I was selfish and didn’t think about you. I just wanted to be held in his arms and kissed like a real girl! I know I am a real girl, but I had feelings and I thought I would burst.”
“Wow! We too are selfish; we wanted you to be happy when we told you, you will be a sister again. Your Dad made love to me the night I told him I wanted you as our daughter. Your Dad made love to me…”
“Mom, you are telling me more than I want to know, except that you are pregnant.” They asked me not to tell anyone until they shared with the family.
“Mom, do you think I will ever be able to have a baby?”
“Now you are asking me more than I want to think about the morning of your first dance. Dr. Deb told me, I would need talk to you before long about being a woman. If your Dad will excuse us, we need to talk.” Dad left and Mom asked as many questions as giving me information. We both found it unusual having a mother/daughter talk.
“Part of me still remembers you as Jeff and being the mother of a 16 year old girl is sometimes hard to grasp.” She was kind of half apologizing for talking to me.
“Mom what do I need to know about being a girl and not getting pregnant? I don’t plan to have sex, but I already know these girl feelings are more than I understand. They scare me but they also excite me. Mom, I’m going to be a girl but I’m in over my head.”
“Jenn, I had fifteen years to grow to where you are at, and only two months in being the mom of a 16 year old.”
“I think you can help me be a 16 year old girl as well as be my mom.”
“Honey, you are right being a 16 year old can be scary, but the feelings are also exciting, sometimes more exciting than the fear… Did you as Jeff love Marie?”
“She’s one of my best friends and she’s a pretty girl. I loved her but I never told her how much I loved her. She would have laughed at me or just stopped being a friend.”
“Did you have some times that as a friend she might have been vulnerable? Were you tempted to take advantage of it?” I had to think but it wasn’t hard to think of a few times in the past two years when Sandy and other friends weren’t there.
“Yes, but I didn’t and wouldn’t. I thought you would know better.”
“I know you better and I didn’t think you would, I just wanted to know if you were tempted. That same love for Marie and your own discipline and respect of yourself is what you will need for yourself. I’ve told you that you need to accept and respect yourself as a girl. As a girl you don’t have the same luxury a boy has.”
“Marie was either lucky or she chose well when she was vulnerable with you. She didn’t lose her respect for herself, but I am sure it did not stop her from feeling lousy that someone she loved hurt her.”
We were both silent for awhile. “Mom for someone who is not sure how to be a parent of a 16 year old girl you just did and awesome job.”
Mom said thanks. I joked, “Don’t thank me yet, I’ve just started being your daughter. I still want to know more about those feelings and being a girl. You haven’t begun to tell me how to do it or about birth control.”
Mom and I had a long discussion. When we were done I went to my room and Dad and Mom got together. I heard Mom say, “This child better be a boy.” Mom, I learned preferred girls but I got her to question that.
I finished my chores and had talked with Marie twice as well as Sandy and Jeanette. Jeanette wanted to have fun with her niece as I prepared for my date with Kirk. Jeanette was twenty minutes away and wanted to show me a few more dance moves. I quickly finished changing except for make-up. After we went over the dancing I knew she asked dad to help show me some swing rock-n-roll.
To be Continued…
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