Lead Shoes-12

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Lead Shoes-12

Chapter 12

Have you ever had one of those so romantic moments that it’s like some angel had come along and hand stitched the entire thing onto your heart?

I would have told you a few hours ago that I didn’t really believe in God or Angels or a lot of those things but right now…the so unbelievable has happened for me I’m not sure that if I stepped outside and seen a unicorn out on the front lawn that I’d be as surprised, shocked and just moved as I am right now.

I’m a T-girl in transition and I’ve no illusions about all of that and then there’s the fact I have CP and all it entails. Fairy tale stuff doesn’t happen in the real world, the real world is tough and it only gets tougher as life goes on for so many of us not being born into the privileged few.

I’m not saying that people don’t get happily ever after but I’m saying that people like me really don’t.

There’s days that I feel like I’m Quasimodo trying on Esmeralda’s dress.

I’m not supposed to have a boy friend.

But I do.

Will…

He’s a skater boy and he’s a BMX racer and stunt guy and he’s sweet and brave and he’s a little crazy when he’s doing a thing but it’s more like he’s fearless. I mean he’s brave enough to see me for the person that I am on the inside and he’s brave enough to…

Cut off his long hair and dress up nice to make my very first dance as a girl that special.

To bring me a flower.

To actually hold my heart so tenderly in his hands he makes me forget that there was ever a time that life had broken it.

To calm me down when I had started to freak out and then gave me my first dance in my living room to this amazing sweet and romantic song.

We finish our dance and Mom smiles at me and at him. “We’ll be right back Will we just have to do some damage control.” She takes me by my arms but leans over and she kisses his cheek and she takes me to her room where I had built back up this whole Glomphy overload and started to babble and go on about just what kind of a guy that he is and how sweet the rose was and Oh My God that song!

Even Mom gets misty about all of it and the fact that this has been something that she has ached for in her own heart for a lot of…for too many years to have a girl…a daughter to have these moments with and to share this elemental moments of being a woman with and she’d been in that heartbroken lonely desert that life can be just like me but over on the other side of it.

It takes a bit to get better, and unblotchy and I’m a little nervous heading back out to were Will’s at, I mean I seriously spazzed out on him.

He escorts me out to the van because I might really need my chair by the end of the night and Will doesn’t have his license yet just his learners permit. I’ve got mine, okay the actual license was just a few days ago but I still got them.

Yay me!

We get to the dance and Will is doing all the mannerly guy stuff and opening the doors and helping me out of the van and he’s careful with my dress and we head inside. I’m using my crutches because they’re actually easier on me than my arm braces.

It’s amazing inside as much as it’s not.

Okay, Let me explain that. This is just a school dance, not prom.

But it’s my very first school dance ever. So yeah I might just be a little biased about how awesome it is?

There was the lights all down low and a couple of kids from school doing the thing for the music which was a really odd mix.

Justin Beiber (Bleech.) a lot of the stuff I do listen to like Taylor Swift, Aly and AJ a kind of thing is that Will says I sort of look like Aly. Avril, Demi Levato and a whole bunch of others including some really good older stuff.

Will leads me in and we claim a table close to the dance floor and once we’re settled the girls are over and kind of gushing over my dress and my make up and stare shock mouthed at Will all cleaned up and he’s all embarrassed and red faced from the attention so he spends a lot of time fetching us all punch and stuff.

It’s pretty cool because I’m hanging and telling them all what happened so far tonight and there’s some of the girls I usually don’t hang out with there but there’s kind of been a lot more awareness about trans at school lately with me and Sami going through ours but there’s some openly out gay and lesbian kids in school now and they’re there with their S.O.’s and that just kind of takes all sorts of pressure off. And it answers a lot of questions too as I really don’t act like two of the three gay couples there…two are really gay…like campy stereotype gay and the other guy’s just kinda normal. It’s good because just by watching Sami and I they’re getting that “Nope” Trans isn’t me being some gay cross dresser thing.

Then I actually get up and dance. It’s mostly with Will and mostly the slow stuff and it’s more than I ever thought. I have a bunch of tissues in one hand and I’m blotting as the tears come so I really don’t mess my “water-proof.” make up.

But…

Oh wow…I’m dancing…I’m dancing at a real dance in a pretty dress and every time Will turns me something hurtful that was hanging on gets shaken loose and I actually feel lighter and lighter as we dance and then oh…

He takes my arm and lifts it up over me and I know it’s coming and he spins me like I’m…like…I’m that ballerina…that dancer in my heart….I close my eyes and deep inside that dark spot inside me where I sometimes get pulled into…that place where all the negative stuff lives…there’s a spotlight that flickers on there and Mikayla…the real me stops hugging her knees and lifts her head up and looks at the light and she gets up like she’s never been bound by CP and she starts to dance…

She dances…and we…we…spin and smile…

I’m not even sure if he timed this or set it up but I was just caught in him and I dancing but when he started to take my arm and turn me into that slow dance spin I realized the song that was playing that I was spinning to….

This has almost been a song that was like a prayer for me….made me cry, kept me sane sometimes…

*I Hope You Dance.* By Lee Ann Wolmack…

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance  
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance  
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along)
I hope you dance  
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder, where those years have gone?)

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along)
I hope you dance  
I hope you dance
(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder, where those years have gone?)

As the song fades out Will’s holding me tight in his arms and my legs…hell everything about me is shaking and I wrap my arms around his neck and hang on and stare into his eyes and he gives me his cute boy smile.

“Will…how?”

“You’re my girlfriend Kayla, my best friend I know your favorite songs.”

“Thank you…god thank you.”

“Other way around beautiful…you haven’t gotten that yet? I’m the lucky one.”

“Oh Will….”

“Tired? You want to get a seat?”

“Not yet.”

I pull him to me or myself up more to him and I kiss him, I kiss him with everything I’ve got inside…that kind of kiss that’s more than a kiss it’s me being the girl and connecting with his soul every bit as much as a boy and a girl connecting when they make love…

My legs go all over use shaky and He scoops me into his arms and carried me over to our table and we’re kissing the entire time.

I really, really think that I’m falling in love with him.

Could Will be my Forever-Boy?



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Nice

This will be set in her memory forever.
Great chapter, thanks

We all deserve some of those Memories.

But it's a really good first dance experience.
*Hugs and Howls.*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

Elsbeth's picture

Could Will be my Forever-Boy

Ouch my heart - lovely chapter :-)

-Elsbeth

Go raibh maith agat le haghaidh léamh

Yeah I really liked the end of this too Elsbeth:)

I really like writing some of those tear jerker Ow my heart moments.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

"I’m the lucky one.”

Okay, so I'm crying. I cry at the drop of a hat, it doesnt mean this was awesome and amazing and wonderful, does it?

Well, in this case, it does.

Thank you for this, Bailey.

DogSig.png

You're a sweet Girl Dorothy:)

And Girls are allowed to cry at anything they want to anytime they want to:)
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey...A Proud Big Brother.

Bailey Summers

Whell... it does not mean...

...that it's "awesome and amazing and wonderful".
It just means that you can appreciate "awesome and amazing and wonderful".
:-)
PS: Bailey, it was awesome chapter!

Thank You ManicRacer:)

I got what she meant and really appreciate that you enjoyed this chapter also:)
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

littlerocksilver's picture

Dancing

I learned to square dance in elementary school, and it was quite a bit of fun until a bitch slammed two of our heads together when we went in to bow. I took dance lessons in Jr High (grades 7,8, and 9) but never went to a school dance. Wrong, I went to one in eighth grade when I was forced to go. I hated the boys, was scared of the girls because I felt all these things I wasn't supposed to. Sex was never mentioned in my family. At least it wasn't to me. I had a horiible time, and hid out in the rec. room. I was forced to go one more time; however, I got legitimately sick the day of the dance. My mother was bragging to everyone that I was going to go. I hated it. I had no choice. I think my parents were afraid that I was going to be gay, and by making me go to dances would allow me to get over it.

In High school, I never went to a dance. I probably should have; however, I was afraid to learn to drive a car, so I never had the opportunity to take someone I really liked to a dance. I got my license when I was 19. I flunked the first test, although I aced parallel parking. I did take a few girls out during my early twenties and did dance a few times but those feelings I wasn't supposed to have kept coming up. Nice people didn't feel things like that with nice girls. I did take a friend of my sisters to her senior prom. It was a mercy sort of thing.

I found that I can't keep a beat, and I forget what my feet are supposed to do. I vowed in my late twenties that I would never dance again. It's not that I dislike dancing, it's something that I get absolutely no pleasure out of performing. I don't mind watching professionals, they know what they are doing. I detest 'Dancing With The Stars' and all the hype that goes with it. I love watching Gene Kelly, Fred Astair, Ginger Rogers, Cyd Charisse and others. But I have no desire to do it. Of course many of their dances are metaphores. There are no emotional results out of dancing for me.

I know now there are many psychological reasons for what I went through, but I don't need to go into them now. A lot of Musetta's childhood was my childhood. You can read about it in the first few chapters of "Musetta's Waltz."

Portia

*Great Big Hugs for Portia.*

I'm sorry honey for the things that you went through back then and that this story might have brought some of those bad memories back. My life was very much the opposite, dance was taught in gym class and we watched dance movies before we'd even get started. Dance being good excercise y'know. Them there was cadets that taught catillion skills for the dances at the legions.
Those were good dances because every guy was expected to be a gentleman and dance with every woman and girl there. She could refuse but no one was ever left out.

Then there was my folks.

Who were those people that'd be like mom on her nightshift and sock feet dancing with my dad when he'd come home from graveyard shift.

I always seen a sort of magic in dancing. That unpopular girl that has huge self image problems that just changes and transforms when she gets to dance.

*More Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

moongoddess's picture

Darn it, 2 for two

Thanks my Brother, i hope you dance...
Moon

Your welcome Diana:) Every girl should get to dance...

be happy and feel that majik. I'll be looking forward to when we're all hanging out and I'll spin you too!
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

Extravagance's picture

Very romantic,

but too- ...no, I don't need to say it. You know me well enough. ^_^
So yeah, I was subconsciously replacing "boyfriend" with "ruthless powerful passionate person". If I wasn't getting pissed (Britsh type of pissed) at the bar, I could probably see myself dancing in a muscly pair of arms, attached at one end to hands that could tear small telephone directories in half without much effort, and attached at the other end to a beautiful intelligent sophisticated physically powerful and intimidating woman (or man.
Mmm... :3
Definitely drifting off into lalaland now, but it's your wonderful-as-always writing that helps me to do so! ^_^
*HuggleSnugglePurrsoftlyintoyourear*<3

Catfolk Pride.PNG

Sweet Dreams Cat-Girl:)

I'm really glad that you enjoyed this and found it romantic.
I'm really hoping that Purrr-girl might find their Grrr-lover soon.
*Huggles And Scratches and smiles.*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

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