Warning: This story follows the thoughts of a woman who is very near committing suicide. Please read with caution if this is a trigger for you.
Aelita sat on the edge of the bathtub staring at her open medicine cabinet. On the bottom shelf, there were two bottles, with very different purposes.
The first, a bottle of Estrogen, brand new from the pharmacy. The other, a half full bottle of extra strength sleeping pills.
Because, really, who was she kidding? All it took was a look in the mirror to know how stupid she was being. At forty-three years old, it was almost a laughable idea for her to be a woman. She knew she could never truly pass.
But she’d tried so hard. She’d come so far. Only three years ago, she admitted to herself that Aelita wasn’t going away. She wasn’t some childhood dream that she would grow out of. Three years ago, to the day, she put on her first dress. And suddenly here she was. A bottle of Estrogen lay right there, all she had to do was take the pills, and her body would change.
But not enough. She knew that there would be some things that would never change. There would be no changing her height. She was much too tall. And it was impossible to undo her very masculine shoulders. And it was certainly impossible to invert that flap of skin between her legs.
She tried to think of the positives. She had friends, that was for sure. She had a support group, both in her home city, but also online. She wrote, often, and she was actually really good at it. And of course, she had her family. Her family wasn’t entirely supportive, but at least they weren’t attacking her about it anymore. Even passive aggressively.
Aelita sighed. She suspected that they wouldn’t even notice if she was gone. The people online would suspect that her computer crashed again. It was an old computer, and it wouldn’t be the first time. Most of the people in person probably didn’t know her well enough to care. She looked again at the sleeping pills. It would be too easy. A handful of pills, a gulp of water, and an hour. That’s all it would take. It’d be so much faster than waiting for the Estrogen to take effect.
She made up her mind. She stood up and reached for the bottle of Estrogen. She decided to dump it down the train so she’d have no reason to change her mind.
Her hand was literally two inches from the shelf when her phone chimed. She paused, then reached down to check it. A text message. Three words. “Love you - Jeremie”
Aelita sighed. Put the phone back in her pocket and reached for the medicine cabinet again. She grabbed a bottle, twisted the lid, and with only a moment’s hesitation, dumped the whole thing into the sink. She turned on the faucet and let the water push every last pill into the drain. She turned off the water and tossed the empty bottle into the trash can nearby.
She reached up for the other bottle. Unscrewed the lid, and dumped two pills into her hand. She opened her mouth, leaned back, and swallowed them. Then she twisted the lid back on and put the bottle back on the shelf. She smiled.
Because no matter what happened from that day forward, she promised herself that she’d never regret letting the sleeping pills circle the drain.
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