"Oh come on Jim, you could've used a less cliché dieing line."
"Dude!" John nudged his unorthodox friend, "Show a little respect, he's just been hit by a freaking lightning bolt!"
"Oh please," Kyle laughed, "Jim's the main protagonist, he won't die."
"Ummm dude." The fourth member of the group, Gary, interrupted. "The story's just started."
"What?" Kyle turned around in confusion.
"The story's just started meaning there's been no character development yet and thus there is no protagonist."
"Oh shit!" Kyle screamed as he span back round to the crippled teen on the floor.
"John..." Jim spoke faintly.
"Yes buddy?" John had started to well up.
"T...t....tell... K...K...Kyle... that he's a dick."
"NOOOOOOOOO! JIIIIIIIIIIMMY!" Kyle cried to the heavens before looking down to his now dead friend, who had his tongue sticking out of his mouth. "Oh come on man, could this BE any more of a cliché death?"
"Dude!" John once again nudged him.
"I mean ummm.... NOOOOOOOOO! WHY OH SMITEFUL ONE MUST YOU TAKE OUR FRIE-Ah screw it, I've got a funeral to plan."
"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today..."
"Oh come on!" Kyle pointed at the Reverend in disgust, "Even this guy is spilling out clichés!"
"Well what else is he supposed to say?" John whispered angrily, "'What's up guys lets get dis mother fucker buried so we can go get wasted?'"
"Yeah dude you arranged this funeral so show a little respect." Gary hissed.
"Oh shut the fuck up Gary, you only said one fucking thing in the opening paragraph - you're just an extra."
"I..." Gary raised a finger, ".... fair enough."
"I'M the protagonist now." Kyle banged his chest proudly.
"What does that make me then?" John asked.
"Ummmm... you can be my sidekick?"
"Man fuck that!"
"You get this cool sidekick costume I made you, it's not as awesome as mine but..."
"You made costumes?" Gary raised an eyebrow.
"Shut the fuck up Gary, of course I made costumes!" Kyle threw some of the dirt being used to cover up their already forgotten friend's casket at him, "Now, John, I made yours an extra small because you know... sidekicks are usually kids..."
"But I weigh 50 pounds more than you and I'm 6ft 7...?"
"You're right," Kyle pondered. "Here's the name of an excellent dietician downtown; come back in 6-8 weeks and we can begin basic training."
"Hell no am I doing all that for some stupid costume!" John roared.
"The costume includes a cape?"
"Oh boy!" Kyle fidgeted around giddily, "I can't wait to see what whats-his-face left us in his will!"
"Okay gentlemen," said the suited man as he stepped into the office shuffling around some papers, "I have here the will of the recently deceased James Worthington."
"Who?" Kyle asked.
"Jim..." John muttered.
"OHHHHHHHH! Sweet, what's he left us?"
The suited man rolled his eyes, "Okay, to John Fitzpatrick I leave my collection of bumblebee stingers-
"SWEET!" John fisted the air.
"- to Gary Aldrin I leave my life savings...
Gary slid to the edge of his seat in anticipation.
".... of two pounds and sixty-seven pence."
"YEEEEES!" Gary jumped up off his seat.
Kyle started tapping his knees and grinning.
"Master Worthington has asked if Master Fitzpatrick and Master Aldrin could please leave the room for this final reading..."
"Sure." The pair said as they both exited graciously.
"Okay," the suited man cleared his throat, "He has left a video will for you, Master Berry. I'll just let you watch it while I go and file some paperwork."
Kyle nodded as he turned his attention to the giant plasma TV on the wall.
"Hello Kyle!" Boomed Jim's voice from the speakers, "I presume you're looking forward to recieveing my will so I'll just get straight to the point..."
Kyle's face lit up with greed and desire.
"As I'm sure you're aware," Jim continued, "You're a bit of a dick."
"Well that's just not true!" Kyle gasped.
"Yes it is!" Gary's voice could be heard from behind the door.
"... And so because of this I leave you.... with a curse."
"A curse?" Kyle gulped, "Sidekick get in here quick!"
"Hell no dude!" John replied from behind the door. "This curse sounds pretty scary, you're on your own!"
The sound of the two teens running off was all to be heard next.
"Oh come on Jim I..."
"SILENCE!" The pre-recorded Jim bellowed.
"How did you?-"
"LET THE CURSING BEGIN!"
Light blazed through the window and smoke appeared all around the room. "Jesus christ Jim, even this looks clich-AAAAAAAAAAH!" Kyle screamed in agony as his body reformed. The hair on his head grew as his body hair dissapeared, his hips grew wider and his lips fuller, breasts rose out of his chest and finally little Kyle Junior shrank and shrank until eventually it was no more.
All this had resulted in Kyle's screams becoming like that of a teenage girl, and as the smoke started to fade away the pre-recorded Jim resumed his message,
"Now I'm sure you look beautiful but if you could just pull yourself away from the mirror for one moment..."
Kyle was indeed looking into the mirror in the office at his new female self, amazed that under all that makeup and brown curly hair was him.
"B....b....b...." He mumbled.
"Now don't get me wrong, this is reversable," Jim spoke. "But you will have to complete a series of challenges in order to do so."
"WHY JIM? WHYYYYYYY!?" Kyle chirped.
"The challenge checklist is attached to your copy of the will. And Kyle.... you have 24 hours."
"God damn it Jim!" Kyle folded his arms over his newly formed breasts.
"If you fail to complete all of the challenges in 24 hours, you will remain like this for the rest of your life."
"Oh, and FYI..."
At that moment the suited man bounced back into the room.
"...Your name is Kayla." Jim finished.
"Who the devil are you?" Asked the suited man as he fiddled around with his glasses.
"Ummmm...." Kyle looked back at the now black TV screen, "I'm... Kayla!"
"Okay... well, I'm going to have to ask you to leave Kayla."
"Sure!" She smiled as she hurridly exited the room.
"Soooo.... you're telling us that YOU'RE Kyle?"
"Yes John!" Kayla stamped her foot, incased in high-hells, on the ground, "It was that curse Jim put on me!"
Gary laughed, "Boy am I glad I'm not the protagonist now!"
"Oh shut up!" Kayla snarled as she placed her hands on her hips. "Are you going to help me or not?"
"Well I'm just an extra so..."
"Oh fine, I don't need you Gary! Not while I have my sidekick." Kayla patted an awkward looking John on the back.
"Yeeeeeah about that..." John shied away, "I'm not really up for being a sidekick of a girl."
"Oh come on, you're both just gonna leave me in my hour of need?!" She begged.
"Fine, I'll help you - but under one condition!" John conceded.
"YOU wear the sidekick costume for the next 24 hours!"
"What's wrong 'Kayla'?" Gary smirked. "If it's good enough for John, it's got to be good enough for you."
"Ummmm well, there's something you should know about the sidekick costume..." Kayla gulped.
John stood staring into what was Kyle's wardrobe in shock. "You were seriously going to make me wear this?"
Gary was sat on the bed laughing to himself, "Oh the irony in this is just brilliant."
"Well go on, try it on then!" John threw the costume into a groaning Kayla's arms before pushing her into the bathroom.
Twenty minutes later, the two boys were greeted by quite a spectacle as the new girl shyly creeped out from behind the door, wearing nothing more than a pink bikini with a matching pink cape. The room was filled with a mixture of laughter and wolf whistles for what seemed like an eternity until eventually John brought it to a close by putting his hand on his friend's shoulder, "Well at least you made it small enough for your dainty little figure, mate."
"Shall we take a look at this 'list of challenges' then?" John suggested.
The trio were all sat on the edge of the bed with Kayla, still dressed provocatively, in the middle.
Gary picked the list up off the floor and read it aloud, "'Challenge Number 1 - Wear that freaky costume I know you've been saving for John throughout the rest of the challenges.' Well that's one to check off already then aye?"
Kayla didn't respond so John decided to speed things up a little to save her from further embaressment, "Just get on with it dude; what's next on the list?"
Gary sniggered, "Fine. 'Challenge Number 2 - Steal some uranium from the powerplant...'"
"What? He doesn't want me to make a terroist attack does he? Because I told him once is enough!"
"It doesn't say, but look you can kill two birds with one stone here..."
"I said no more terroist attacks! Not even bird ones!"
"Not literally you idiot," Gary sighed. "Challenge 3 is to flirt with a man, you could use that to get past the security guard down at the power plant?"
"Oh please, that only works in movie clichés." Kayla huffed.
John put his hand on her knee "Look mate, I'm not gonna lie, no man will be able to resist you dressed like that."
"Yeah dude you're pretty hot." Gary added.
Kayla simply groaned and layed back on Kyle's bed, "God damn it Jim."
Brian looked up from his newspaper to find a dazzling young brunette standing before him.
"Hey." She said, looking down at her feet.
"Y'allright Missy, sure you should be dressed like that at this time of night? Someone could..." He winked, "...take advantage of you."
She blushed before putting her hand over his, "Sowwy I just need to go inside the plant for a a widdle second." Kyle cringed inside, hoping the baby voice wasn't overdone.
"Yeah I'm sorry love, I can't just let anyone in here you know..."
"Oh but I'm not just anyone," Kayla leaned forward so that her breats rested against the counter at eye level with Brian.
"Well, d...d...do you have any b...b..business here?" Brian asked whilst being somewhat hypnotized by the cleavage that lay before him.
"I need some uranium for a ummm.... experiment."
"You don't look much like a scientist?"
"Oh ummmm that's because ummmm I'm doing an experiment on ummmm how ummmmm uranium effects ummmmmm sluttyness?"
Brian stared at her blankly.
"Did you get the uranium?" Gary asked as Kayla walked in.
"Yep." She replied, breathing heavily.
"So the flirting worked then?" John asked.
"Well... not exactly, but in the end I used Gary's idea of throwing stones at people and-"
Gary interrupted, "That's not what I sai-"
"Oh who cares as long as she can cross them both off the list. Now, what's next?" John turned to Gary who sighed.
"Ummmm... 'Challenge 4 - Preheat your oven to 200 and put the uranium in for 35 minutes.' Well that just sounds dangerous?"
"It's okay," Kayla ensured. "I have oven-mitts."
"Alright it's been 35 minutes." Kayla put on the oven-mitts in preparation and reached for the door.
"Be careful!" John exclaimed.
She pulled open the door and winked at the pair, "Oh I was born caref-AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
In an instant Kayla had been sucked into the eerie green oven which had begun twirling around in the air.
"What the fuck is happening!?" Gary cried.
"KAYLA?!" John shouted as he tried to reach up to reopen the oven door. But it was too late; the oven had vanished into thin air.
"KAYLA?!" He shouted again in desperation.
Gary stepped back and frowned, "Yeah I can't deal with any more of this, this has gotten way to weird for me!"
"So you're just gonna leave?"
"Pffft does it matter? I'm just an extra, and you're fast becoming the love interest. I'll just leave you two to it, I'm gonna go spend Jim's money on a toffee apple."
"But?" John pleaded.
"Kyle's a dick dude. Come find me when he's dead." And with that Gary backed out of the kitchen and out of the front door.
Having waited around for a couple of hours John was considering giving up and going home when he heard an echoey voice coming from nowhere in particular, "Hello? John? ...Gary?"
"Kayla!" John yelled.
"John, at last! What the hell happened?"
"Well, you got sucked into an oven mate."
"Where are you?"
"I dunno, it just looks like a rough alley. That freaky oven must've taken me here, it's like a really lame version of Narnia."
The pair laughed despite of the wacky situation they had found themselves in.
"Where's the list?" Kayla asked after recovering from the giggles.
"Shit. Gary still has it and he fucked off home!"
"God damn it Gary!" Kayla winced. "Okay you go get him and I'll explore this bar I'm behind."
"Alright, but be careful!"
"Oh John, I was born careful." She replied smugly.
John smiled, "Yeah well, last time you said that you flew off in a magical oven so..."
John eventually found Gary sat on a park bench licking his toffee apple desirabley.
"Oh good he's dead already." Gary smirked.
"Shut up dude I need the list and well... damn it, I need you. I can't save her on my own!"
"And why should I help you?"
John sighed, "If you do, you can have the bee stinger collection."
"So are you in?"
"Well hell yeah! You must really like Kyle to sacrifice such a valuable collection, I swear just a few days back you called him a 'massive dick'..."
"Yeah well..." John blushed, "He's changed."
"Oh I get it." Gary nodded, "You like Kayla. Well then, let's go save our damsel in distress!"
"How can she be that as well as the protagonist? That makes no sense!"
"This story makes no sense Jonathan. This story makes no fucking sense at all..."
Kayla strode into the bar and was welcomed by a fluster of admiral looks and yet more wolf whistles from the assorted drunks.
"Damn it." She muttered, forgetting that she was still wearing the rather revealing costume.
"Hey baby wanna-"
"BUZZ OFF!" She shouted at the random drunk. "Wait a minute." She turned back to him.
"Look love am I gonna get laid tonight or what?" The drunk raged at her.
Kayla stuttered, struggling to find any words as standing right before her was.... himself. Kyle.
"I've got to ummmm..."
"Hey you look familiar, do I know you?" Kyle interrupted.
"No, no, no. I need to go now, bye." Kayla quickly walked away as she suddenly realised where she was.
It was the bar the gang went to last weekend on the night Jim died. The magical oven must have been a magical timemachine oven, and Jim had gotten her to set it to bring her back to this night for whatever reason.
She looked over at Jim, John and Gary who were all sat together celebrating Jim's promotion. It was Jim who was the protagonist that night, and oh how it had angered Kyle, hense why he was sat alone at the bar.
"Maybe I am a bit of a dick..." Kayla whispered to herself with tears welling up in her eyes.
"Kayla! Are you there?" John had been shouting in the kitchen for a solid half-hour now. "I don't know if you can hear me but you only have 10 minutes left, and Gary has your final challenge on the list."
Gary nodded back at John and read from the paper in his hand, "'Challenge 5 - Save My Life.' I don't know if you know what that means or if you can even hear us but you have 10 minutes to do it alright mate?"
Kayla could infact hear it all whilst sobbing on the toilet, but didn't have it in her to reply. Kyle had been an awful friend to them all these years, yet they had all still stood by him. Well, now it was time to repay his debts. It was time for him to become not only the protagonist, but also a hero.
"Good night huh lads?" Jim looked around at John and Gary, and Kyle who was lagging behind.
"Sure was!" John smiled.
"What the fuck's that though?" Gary pointed directly infront of them through the rain.
"Looks like a girl in a bikini?" John examined.
"Dibs!" Kyle yelled.
"It looks like she's running straight towards us." Jim added.
Kyle scratched his back, "What do you thi-ARRRRRGH"
The girl had ran straight up to them and punched Kyle in the nose.
"What the fuck was that for?" Kyle pleaded on the floor.
"You're a dick, Kyle." She responded, before moving over to Jim. "I'm so, so sorry for how I've treated you."
"Ummm ok, who are you though?" Jim asked.
"Just move three steps to the left." She gestured with her hands.
"JUST DO IT!"
"Woah geez oka-AAAAAAH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"
"Looked like a bolt of lightning?" John said.
Jim turned to the girl, "Woah you just saved my life, how did you know that was going to happen?"
She simply smiled back at him.
"Unless.... holy shit! That curse actually worked?!" Jim turned to Kyle, who was still on the floor too concerned by his own problem to even notice the lightning bolt. "Well did you complete all of the challenges?"
"Yes, she did." Came a voice from behind.
Kayla turned around to find the future John and Gary grinning at them. "How the hell did you guys get here?" She asked.
"Magic toaster." Gary quickly responded.
The future John looked over at Jim, "It's good to see you again buddy! But can I ask, why do us 3 from the future still exist? There can't be two of us all - that's impossible!"
"Well," Jim shrugged, "I guess some things take more importance than the laws of time. Things like love."
Kayla and John both stared at eachother and smiled.
"Oh please!" Kyle interrupted, still on the floor, "That sounds like a terrible movie ending cliché!"
"Shut up Kyle!" Everyone shouted at him in unison before laughter erupted.
"Well why am I still here then? I mean, I really like this toffee apple but I wouldn't say I 'love it'." Gary pondered.
"Oh you're just an extra Gary, the laws of time don't even care about you." John replied jokingly.
"Well, it's only slightly true about the love thing if I'm honest," Jim added. "It's these guys who cease to exist."
The past John, Gary and Kyle all gave quizzical looks before dissapearing into nothingness.
The gang were all back at the bar when something suddenly ticked in Kayla's brain. "Wait, why haven't I changed back yet? I completed all 5 challenges?"
"Ummmm..." Jim choked on his lager, "There were 6 challenges?"
"Errrrrr no there wasn't, show him the list Gary."
Jim took the list off of Gary and proceeded to look down it, "Ummmmm... it looks like there's some toffee at the bottom, here let me wipe it off.."
John then looked over Jim's shoulder and read the last part of the list aloud, "'Challenge 6 - Breed a tortoise and a hare to see if their offspring go either slow or steady or fast and furious.'"
"So you mean..." Kayla turned to Jim who simply nodded at her. "GOD DAMN IT GARY!"
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