A boy has a rough day in a world of cartoon logic, and physics.
By Shawna Stimple
Will Watson began his day like any other. He woke up, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast, and made his way out the door to meet his girlfriend for coffee. Leaving his apartment, he said his hellos to the elderly duck couple that lived across the hall. They were always so polite, and tried to look out for the young human.
Arriving at the café, he noticed his girlfriend, Megan, sitting in the corner with her nose buried in a giant book. Sneaking up behind her, he plants a kiss on her cheek, and says, “Good morning beautiful.”
She turned towards his face, and planted a big one on his lips. “Good morning to you too. Any luck on the job front?”
He takes the seat across the table from her. “Not yet. I’ve been so hungry the last couple of days, that my stomach won’t stop berating me.”
“Maybe you should stop being such a lazy ass, and get a job so you can feed me.” came the stomachs response.
“See. He’s kind of an asshole.”
“Yes he is, but he has a point. You haven’t really been trying that hard. You just wait around for free food all the time, and when you get it, you gorge yourself, until your belly is completely inflated, and then you’re hungry again in twenty minutes. I just feel like you could use a change.”
A little offended, Will quickly responded, “I don’t think I’m the only one who’s not trying. All you do is study. You haven’t even tried to look nice for me in a while. Look at you now. You’re wearing the same jeans and sweatshirt you always wear.”
Megan became so angry that her face turned red, and steam started whistling out her ears. “That’s because I have to study. Some of us are actually doing something with our lives.”
Realizing he’d screwed up, Will started vigorously waving his arms back and forth. “I didn’t mean it like that. You’re still beautiful.” He casually sneaks over the seat next to hers, and places his arm around her. “Why don’t we go out tonight? You could meet me at my place around 7, wear something sexy, and we’ll forget about this whole mess.”
“You know what? Here’s what I think of that!” Megan says, shoving a candle into is hand. Angrily she grabs her books, and storms out of the coffee shop.
“What?!” was all the young boy could manage, throwing his arms into the air. Once she was out the door, he looked own at the candle. It said Fuck you on one side, and TNT on the other. “Oh shit.”
The dynamite exploded with such a great force, that it blew him out the window of the shop, and onto a nearby roof, shredding all his clothes in the process. He stood up brushing off the black soot, and mumbled to himself, “I guess she’s angry.” After taking a moment to get his bearings, he realized that he was standing on the edge of the roof, looking down into an alley wrought with clotheslines. “Okay, calm down. Take a few slow steps backwards, and head for the stairs.” he said to himself, turning away from the edge carefully. “That was close. I sure am glad…” His words were cut shorts by the banana peel that someone had absentmindedly left on the rooftop. As soon as his foot touched the yellow deathtrap, he performed a full back flip, and fell off the roof feet first.
The first clothes line he came across held a pair of white panties with little pink hearts all over, and a bow at the front of the waistband. His feet slipped through the leg openings, as he plummeted downward. A second clothesline came into play, this one holding a pair of white pantyhose. These caught him for a second, and while he sat there pinned to the taught cord, wearing the women’s undergarments, he thought he was saved. That is until the clothes pin broke, and he fell a little further, right through a white corset. His arms caught the top, as he continued to fall, but the lace strings remained affixed to the line. As he reached the end of the laces length they began to pull tighter, and tighter, until his midsection, was unbelievably thin, and the fat hat been disproportionately redistributed, creating the appearance of a large bosom, and a plump ass. Once the laces had been tugged to their limit, like a slingshot, he was thrown back upwards with enough force to break free of the clothesline, and he flew through a window near the upper floors, and straight into a closet, with the door slamming firmly behind him.
Once all the birds circling his head started to fly away, he tried to stand and push his way through all of the fabrics, and find a doorknob. When he finally managed to get the door open, he stepped out triumphantly, posing with his fist on his hips like superman. His attitude did not properly convey the outfit he found himself in.
He was wearing a white knee length shirtwaist dress, with a sweetheart neckline, and short gathered puffy sleeves. It was adorned with a pink sash, that tied off in a large bow, at the back of the waistline, and had a built in petticoat that stood out 2 feet in every direction. He was wearing a short pink bead necklace, and matching pink bead studs, and his feet were in a pair of pink kitten heels, with little pink bows on the toes.
Regaining his wits, Will started to take in his surroundings. The first thing he noticed was the offensively feminine outfit he was wearing. “Well that figures.”, he muttered, trying to reach the zipper. The second thing he noticed, was the woman sitting at her vanity, staring at him with the most horrified look he’d ever seen. He started to wave his hands around, saying things like, “It’s not what you think.”, or “I can explain.”, until she began screaming pervert at the top of her lungs.
Once he realized his excuses weren’t getting through, he made a break for it, and jetted out the door of the apartment. He found that running down the stairs was a little more difficult than he was used too, since he had to deal with the short heels affecting each step. Still he was pretty impressed with himself, as he seemed to be getting along fine. That is, until he reached the last tier of stairs, and tripped, rolling all the way down, and out into the street.
When he stood up, the first thing he noticed was the car heading right for him. He vigorously dodged the oncoming vehicle, a stood for a second, heavily panting, grateful to remain unscathed. His break was cut short however, when the gates seemed to open, and a flurry of car came careening down the road. Jumping left a right through a sea of honking, and screeching, he narrowly avoided every obstacle that was thrown at him. Raising his middle finger he screamed at the car that had just passed to watch where they were going, as he continued to stand in the middle of the road. That’s when he heard the air horn behind him.
As he turned to face the oncoming semi truck, he dropped to his knees and tied a blindfold around his eyes, and started smoking a cigarette. When the truck made contact, the typical blam sound could be heard all across town. He took off flying 13 blocks, until he hit the ground, rolling into a nearby beauty shop, and landing in one of the chairs.
“Well hello there.”, greeted an older female cow, with Dolly Parton hair. “My name’s Gabby. My parents said they named me that because I like to talk, but that doesn’t make any sense, since I couldn’t talk when I was born. Anywho. You must be here for the makeover special. I can see from that fancy outfit you must have one hot date tonight.”
“What kind of look are you going for?”
“Maybe something big and beautiful?”
“Got it! I know exactly what you need.”
“Just leave it to me. You’re in good hands.”
Gabby reached into her makeup case and removed a large white powder puff, and started patting Will in the face at a speed that couldn’t be seen. The room filled with a thick white cloud, and all sorts of sounds could be heard. There was patting, coughing, dripping, and ripping. Will even swore he heard a chainsaw, and a jackhammer. After about 2 minutes the smoke started to clear.
Will coughed up half a lung, and when he finally regained his breath, he took a look at his image in the mirror. His face was a soft porcelain white, while his cheeks had a soft pink glow. His baby blue eyes looked adorable, underneath the bright pink shadow, and dark liner. His lashes seemed impossibly long, and were thick with several coats of mascara. His eyebrows were barely there, and the thin arches that remained, did little to conceal his surprise at the image before him. His lips were twice the size as before, and they were colored the same soft pink as his cheeks.
His hair stood out 6 inches in every direction like a huge bubble, and at the bottom around his chin, curled outward into a perfect s shape. To top it all off it was now a bright blonde, and it sported a little pink bow high on the right side. He reached up his hand to touch his hair, and noticed they sported long pink square tipped nails. Making a fist, he tapped his new coiffure, only to hear the clang you would hear when knocking on a metal door.
“Oh my god.”
“I know. Isn’t it beautiful” said the large cow, taking pride in her work. “That’ll be $123.23.”
“Oh my god.”
“The bill please, miss.”
“Oh my god.”
Will leapt out of his seat, and bolted out the door, leaving a trail of fire in his wake. When he was a few blocks down the road he stopped and tried to make sense of his ridiculous day. “I just want to go home!” he screamed at no one in particular. He watched as the cars passed by hopelessly, until a light bulb appeared above his head.
Sticking a leg out, he pulled up the skirt of his dress a little, showing just a hint of the petticoat underneath, and made a kissy face at the oncoming traffic. Almost immediately a wolf on a motorcycle stops.
“You need a ride honey?”
“Yes. I’m just trying to get home.”
“What’s your name sugar?”
“Well, Willamina. Hop on. You need a helmet?”
“No thanks. I brought my own.” will said, pointing at his blonde locks.
As they pulled up to Will’s apartment building, Will started to say his goodbyes when the wolf grabbed him by the hand.
“Willamina honey, my time with you has been the best in my life. I’d love it if you’d do me the honor of being my wife.” He removed a diamond engagement ring from his pocket, and slid it up Will’s finger. Before Will even had a chance to answer he planted a firm kiss, on the hapless boy’s lips, making a smacking sound the entire block could hear.
Will pulled away with all his might, and started spitting profusely all over the sidewalk, trying to rip the ring off of his finger.
Angrily, he glared at the wolf and said, “Fuck you. I don’t even know you. We haven’t said a word to each other this entire ride. This has been the worst day of my life. I’m standing here, in a dress, looking like a Barbie, getting hit on by a wolf, and top it all off, this stupid ring is stuck. AHHHHHH!!!!!!!”, and he turns and storms into his building.
Just before the door slams, the wolf yells, “We’re still engaged until you give me that ring back! Bye sweetie!”
Inside his apartment Megan was sitting on the sofa watching T.V.. She turned to look at her now quite girlish boyfriend, and a giant smile sat smugly on her face.
“I came by to apologize for the fight earlier. What happened to you?”
“I got engaged. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Will then walks into his room, slamming the door behind. He jumped into bed, pulling the covers over his head, leaving Megan out in the living room, laughing hysterically at her boyfriends predicament.
She yells through the door, “Let me know when you need help shopping for the perfect dress.”, still cackling uncontrollably.
Will hangs his head and sighs, “Why me?”, and the screen fades to black.
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