We were kissing and it was so good!
I mean it!
I’ve never felt before that kissing was so much like this. His lips are so…and he smells so good but I feel so…I feel like a girl. I am one…I’m going to be me but this was like every cell of my body was like…
Pink, frilly, butter cream icing on cupcakes, satin panties oh my god yay squee!!!
I ache in the best ways ever and I am really, really getting why there’s teenaged pregnancy. I’m not planning on ever having sex at least until I’m really me but oh my god I want to have sex, even more than being scared.
I’m hot and getting hotter, I feel squirmy under my skin and the stirring in my panties while it is what it is… it feels like I want that same feeling reversed…I swear I can almost feel it in reverse…like I’m achy for Will in the right way instead of the boy way.
And it’s Sooooooooooooooo unfair when we get coughed apart by one of the teachers there chaperoning.
I end up blushing and Will and I sort of back off from each other but remain close and a few of the others around us laugh and tease us making fun of us making out and getting caught.
I’m kind of a bit shy at first but at the same time excited and I get together with some of the other girls and we head to the washroom to get freshened up.
Sally McGuire one of the girls in my class looks at me as we’re wiping off our make up with skin wipes to redo our faces.
“You were having a good time.”
“Oh god yes, this has been amazing.”
“He a good kisser?”
“Uh-huh, I…I’ve never felt like this.”
“The girl thing…I know I’m a girl in here.” I tap my head. “But there’s times it gets hard. Like there’s just such a huge mountain to climb.”
“So if you feel that way are you sure?”
“Yeah a hundred percent really.”
“But if it’s so hard.”
“I can’t help it…I can’t not be me…if stuff went on…I don’t know what I’d have done.”
She stares at my then passes tissues because I’m crying a little. “It’s that bad?”
“Yeah…it’s all the time knowing right down deep to the blood and bone that I’m a girl and yet there’s all these things going on in my body even with it being messed up as it is. I hate being this way, we all do.”
“I guess, it’s just…I’m good with being me and can’t really imagine what this is like.”
“Count your blessings Sally, it hurts…it literally hurts.”
“You’re going to be pretty Kayla.”
I blush. “Thanks…I’d just settle for being complete but hearing that helps…I think we all want to be pretty right?”
“Yeah…sometimes needing that sucks.”
“That’s sort of close to what I feel.”
There’s some of the other girls here now listening now.
“You know when you end up someplace and you end up being where there’s all these girls or women that just seem so with it and so beautiful and you don’t measure up?”
“Yeah…” Sally says kind of hugging herself, she pretty but still honestly average, not one of the super good looking bunch around. There’s nods and murmurs all around too and even a couple of the real prettier ones too.
“It hurts right not being like them, not feeling good enough like you’re either lacking something or maybe even everything?”
There’s more nods and I say. “That’s us, that’s what being transgendered can be like every single day….”
There’s some hugs and sniffles from Sally and others even from Sonya King who’s one of the most beautiful girl in school if not my classes.
She get’s a look from Desiree Noton one of the more out there gothy girls. “Why’re you crying you’re one of the one’s that makes us feel that way?”
Sonya actually flinches and I hug her. “Des, we all feel that way, it’s part of feeling like a girl.”
Desiree looks unconvinced. “No, really I can’t see how she’d feel anyway the way we feel, the sheep worship her for fucks sakes.”
Sonya’s wiping away at her tears. “Yeah, I look good I got lucky like that I know and I can’t help that but that don’t mean I don’t get it.”
Desiree frowns. “What’s to get, you don’t, you can’t!”
Sonya cries at her. “Yeah you wanna bet? You’ve got great grades, all these different friends…I’m not good at schoolwork, I’m not smart like you…I know I’m not smart or interesting like other people get to be and I can’t get a grip on stuff you just get Desiree…the worst thing is I know it! You know how small I feel when there’s a whole bunch of people talking and I get so lost in what’s being said? So all I can do is just keep quiet and smile!? I hate myself sometimes because I feel like some stupid bimbo!”
She bursts into tears and she tried to bolt to a stall but Sally and I hang ontop her and she turns and bawls into my shoulder.
Desiree and some of the others look shocked.
I rock Sonya taking a cue from Mom and how she treats me. “See…all of us, and we all get that way. I feel like Sonya too when all the rest of you are talking and doing things you’ve always done and don’t even have to think about.”
“Sorry Sonya…” Desiree says coming over to get in on the hugging.
It gets a lot more friendly as we all sort of had a cry and them making up and even talking about the stuff about each of us has that we hate about ourselves both body and mind and it’s really this amazing girls bonding together experience and we trade cell numbers and head out to the dance. I’m sort of feeling things getting over worked and stuff in my legs and even my arms so I just sit with Will and rest at the bleachers and he went and got my chair.
It’s still great and romantic as anything that he is sitting and has my legs up on his lap and he’s massaging out the tightness or he’s trying to and when I do get a cramp he looks at me. “Hurt?”
I nod and sort of clenched teeth say. “Yeah…”
He takes my hand in his. “Squeeze…”
I do and it helps me more in my heart than my body and it just makes things just so good.
CP is so damned hard sometimes but having someone that loves you through it really changes things. There are days when you just run out of your own steam and if you can use someone else’s it’s the only way you get through the days.
Will sometimes is the only reason I can fight through things on bad days and get up and get going. Because sometimes just seeing him smile because he’s happy to see me makes it all better.
Yeah I am falling in love.
It’s also really hugely sweet when people come over to see if I’m okay.
I know I’m pushing things but I do fight and make myself get up for the last dance of the night and Will and I snuggle while standing and my right leg get’s wobbly on me.
“Stand on my feet Kayla.”
“Kayla…please…this is nothing…”
“No…Kayla get used to it…” He’s staring me right in the eyes and he’s so…determined…strong about this it’s kind of…I like it I feel…..it’s sort of nice. Not tat he’s being dominating. Sometime’s I don’t know what I need…I just…. Then he… “Are you going to be this stubborn when you have a flare up at our wedding?”
I put my feet as gently as possible ontop of his and he holds me up and he holds me tight as the last song plays and I almost melt and bury myself into him as *Unchained Melody.* is playing.
“You said that on purpose didn’t you?”
“Yeah but it worked right?”
“Yeah but that’s dirty pool.”
“Have to…sometimes Kayla you get more stubborn than you need to be.”
“Sorry, sometimes I need to think that way, it get’s me through.”
“That’s cool just so long as you sometimes get why I have to save you from yourself.”
“I love that you do that you know.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Oh my god we said it, we said it to each other and my head and my heart’s so full of being happy that I don’t even notice until we have to go because the principal has to lock up. He carried/held/danced us right through everyone leaving and even the clean up….
My first dance…
I will never ever forget this…ever.
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