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Chapter 18

Preparations for our grandparents ceremony really started going the day after our arrival when Aunt May picked up the dresses for all the girls who’d be acting as bridesmaids, Katie, Laura, Emma and me.

To include Nikki May made Emma switch to a flower girl, her job to sprinkle petals in front of the bridal party. This satisfied everyone or that is Mum, Aunt May and all the kids. At the rehearsal which our grandparents had not attended as they were buying Christmas presents for the family, Aunt Janet went livid at the sight of Nikki in her off-white bridesmaids dress.

“What is he doing in that dress May? Since when do boys act as bridesmaids?” she enquired glaring at Nikki.

Everyone stared at her in shock. Mum was furious; she went and slapped Aunt Janet.

“Mum!” the three of us exclaimed in horror.

Aunt May took Mum’s arm.

“Susan!”

Uncle Bill, Dad and Uncle Ralph stood transfixed at the scene while Aunt Janet’s cheek reddened in the aftermath of Mum’s clap.

Nikki regained her wits first, she walked to Mum and took her hand and led her out of the hall. Once outside Nikki hugged Mum with all her heart, tears in her eyes.

“I love you so much Mum. Thank you,”

Laura and I found them both in tears still embracing. When they pulled apart both of us hugged Mum. Though we’d never seen her lift a finger against anybody all of us felt Mum had done the right thing. Nikki was her daughter and what Aunt Janet had said was very provocative in light of everything our sister had gone through.

To a mother whose child had been bent on suicide because she hated having to be a boy and had told how badly it hurt and been taunted at school for being transgendered Aunt Janet’s words were one insult too many.

“Don’t ever slap anyone like that you hear?” Mum told us quietly.

We all nodded.

“Go get your things,” she instructed and we hurried off to change while Mum called a cab.

We didn’t go back to Nana’s, we went to a hotel and Mum bought us a meal. None of us dared say anything while Mum remained in the mood she was in, we just obeyed her every wish.

“Nikki, do you still want to be a bridesmaid?” asked Mum while we ate.

“No,” replied Nikki quietly.

“Neither do I,” I added in solidarity thinking of how my sister’s face had frozen when Aunt Janet called her a boy in front of everybody.

She’d looked so humiliated and I felt awful at that and the fact that I’d been doing that to her only a few months earlier.

“If we do that how will Nana feel,” said Laura, worry all over her features.

“She’s right Becks you have to stay on, Emma will take my place,” said Nikki.

“Nikki!” I protested.

Nikki silenced me by placing her hand over mine.

“Listen to me. I know you didn’t like what she said but remember this Nana’s anniversary not Aunt Janet’s,” she said gently.

“What about you?” Lauraasked.

“For Nana’s sake I won’t take part. I don’t want to disrupt her special day,” Nikki answered thoughtful as ever.

“Susan where are you?” Dad asked over the phone as the day progressed.

“I’m shopping with the girls,” responded Mum while the three of us tried out nice outfits at a boutique near our hotel where Mum had booked rooms for us since she didn’t want to stay under the same roof as our aunt.

“Are you coming back to the house?” he enquired carefully.

“Not tonight baby, I’d probably lose it with Janet again. I think it is better I calm down first before we see each other and none of the girls want to go back yet. We’ll spend the night at the Marriott,” said Mum calmly.

“I understand Susie. That was a helluva of a clap by the way,” teased Dad.

“Don’t remind me. I just overreacted i guess but I’m only sorry all those kids saw me hit her especially Pete and Katie,” responded Mum, concerned.

“What am I going to tell the old folks when they get home?” Dad asked.

“Tell them I lost my temper with Janet and hit her because of what she said about Nikki. Tell I’m sorry to take the kids tonight but they will be back tomorrow and will be at the function,” advised Mum quietly.

She got along very well with Nana.

“Tell them I’ll talk to them tomorrow in the morning and tell May I’m sorry I spoilt the rehearsal,” said Mum.

“We both know you didn’t,” said Dad quietly, “I love you Susie and what she said was unacceptable even Bill and his kids thought so,” he added.

“I don’t know why Janet has to treat Nikki like that. Nikki would be dead now if she’d stayed as a boy and then she goes and say that,” said Mum angrily.

We lay on Mum’s bed later that night feeling really close to another.

“Mum was Dad your first boyfriend?” asked Laura coyly.

“He was the last one,” replied Mum with a smile.

“You never answered my question!” complained Laura as she brushed Mum’s hair.

“Was he?” I asked curiously.

“I don’t think he was. Dad grew up here and Mum’s from Leeds, they met in college. It’s utterly impossible for Mum not to have had a boyfriend when she’s so good looking until she met Dad,” said Nikki frankly.

“What makes you so sure?” laughed Mum.

“It’s obvious,” replied Nicole with a smile, “admit it.”

“All right, I do. Brian was my third boyfriend but the only guy I fell in love with,” confessed Mum.

“Really, who were the other two?” I wondered.

“And didn’t you love them?” added Laura.

“What is love?” responded Mum cryptically.

We looked at her, unable to answer though Nikki tried, “It’s what you feel when you really like someone. It’s sort of like a giving- a selfless concern for the welfare of someone else even if they have faults. Like the love you have for us, though I can’t really put a finger to it I can see it,” said Nikki thoughtfully.

I looked at her and she smiled at me.

“Exactly,” agreed Mum before stroking Nikki’s cheek, “your father was the first man I could feel that way about. The other guys were people I either liked or who liked me for showing off to everyone. The first one’s name was Dominic, I had a huge crush on him and Trish said he would never go out with me. I was 15 and Trish was 17 and one of the most popular girls at school, all the boys seemed to like her and she treated them outrageously, she flirted with them and boasted about it to me. Naturally I wanted a boyfriend too and Dominic was the coolest guy in class. I was shy and scared of boys,” explained Mum while we listened intently.

Laura had stopped brushing Mum’s hair and lay cuddled up to her.

“But I asked him to go to a dance with me and he said yes. Trish was amazed and I was over the moon.”

“You actually asked a boy out?” I asked in awe.

“I was desperate and it seemed like he’d never notice me so I tried it,” replied Mum.

“Wow that’s so brave. I’d never be able to do that. Did it work out?” said Nikki in a coy voice.

“Well at first it seemed wonderful he gave me my first kiss which was thrilling but as I got to know him better I liked him less, he was shallow and self-centred and we weren’t compatible so we broke up," answered Mum.

Involuntarily I glanced at Nikki for a second thinking of Wayne.

“The second boy was named Derek. I feel guilty when I think about him because he rather liked me a lot but I went out with him because he was better looking than Trish’s boyfriend and I wanted to make her jealous. He was really sweet and kind but I was only fond of him as a friend. We went out for two years,” continued Mum.

“Did you ever kiss him?” asked Laura quietly.

“Yes and it always seemed like a chaste kiss. We broke up when we finished high school,” responded Mum.

“You probably broke his heart,” I said to Mum who shook her head.

“He suggested it because I was going to London which is where I met your father,” recalled our mother fondly.

“How did you meet? Was Dad romantic, did he make your heart flutter?” Laura wanted to know she was an incurable romantic, a strange thing to find in her usually sensible and practical nature.

“Yes he was darling, for me it was love at first sight, he was so handsome. He was repeating a course and we happened to sit next to each other on the first day. I was lost the minute I looked into those blue eyes,” Mum told us in a sentimental voice.

“I can’t believe you said that! No wonder Susan lost her temper with you, do you know Nikki nearly died because she couldn’t stand being a boy?” said Nana angrily to Aunt Janet that night.

“She was really offended by that and you ignored Nikki when she greeted you last night,” concurred Aunt May.

“You ignored Nikki! Janet what has a 17 year old child done to deserve this? If you’re quarrel is with Susan why are you taking it out on a child?” said Nana indignantly.

Aunt Janet seemed unmoved, “Nick is a boy and Susan and Brian are doing the wrong thing. I won’t sit and pretend that child is normal and is doing something wonderful, it’s absolutely unnatural,” she said unyieldingly.

“In that case please keep that view to yourself. I love my grandchild and if being a boy was killing her I don’t mind her being a girl so long as she’s happy. I’d also appreciate it if you would leave Nicole alone, she doesn’t need the type of help you’re offering. Brian and Susan weren’t born yesterday and they love their child more than anyone, they couldn’t have done anything to destroy or harm Nikki, they’ve got her interests at heart and put a lot ofthought into their decision and Donald and I are completely behind them and so is Susan’s mother, she told me so a few weeks ago,” declared Nana staunchly before leaving the room.

Aunt May and Aunt Janet stayed behind in silence for a while.

“Why are you so concerned about Nikki being a girl? People do it all the time and let’s face it Nikki was always more of a girl as a child,” ventured Aunt May.

“So what May, what kind of example is this setting for the other children?” replied Aunt Janet indignantly.

“For goodness sake Janet, do you think Susan and Brian are lying when they say Nikki wanted to kill herself? If Dave told me he’d rather die than be a boy then I would never force him to be male, Nikki only kept this secret because she thought Brian and Susan would react like the way you’re reacting. Thank heavens you’re not her mother and in case you haven’t noticed all the kids love Nicole the way she is especially Katie and Pete and according to Katie, Gil too. You’re the one setting a bad example to the children, if you don’t watch out your kids will think you’re heartless!”

“Mum?” asked Laura when Nikki and I had retired to our rooms.

“What?” responded Mum quietly as the two of them lay in bed.

“Why do people behave so cruelly to each other especially to Nikki, she’s had a hard time this year but even her own family has been mean to her. She’s such a gentle, loving person. She doesn’t deserve relatives like Aunt Janet,” commented Laura.

“I know honey but since we can’t change our relatives all we can do is stand behind Nikki and show her we love her,” answered Mum gently.

“Yeah but can’t we do something else? Look how prejudiced people are and think how many children there might be like Nikki who are in a much worse position than her, who is there for them? I mean like we understand Nikki’s problem, how many more Nikki’s are out there feeling they have nobody to talk to or are surrounded by people like Aunt Janet who don’t understand how terrible it is to be trapped in the wrong body? Who is helping them out and their families and schools?” wondered Laura sadly.

“I wish I knew,” replied Mum.

“But you do want to help right?” asked Laura.

“Yes,” said Mum.

“Why don’t you go online like you did when Nikki told you, you could start a website or something,” suggested Laura.

Mum sat up, “That’s an idea Laura,” replied Mum with interest.

Dad arrived at the hotel the following morning in Uncle Ralph’s car in order to take us back to his childhood home where our grandparents greeted us and told Mum not to deprive them of the pleasure our visit.

“I’m sorry,” apologized Mum.

Nana hugged her.

“Don’t be. I completely understand why you did it. We had a word with Janet and it won’t happen again,” said Nana gently before turning to us.

“I want all of you as my bridesmaids including you Nikki,” she said fondly.

“Gran I can’t,” said Nikki hesitantly.

“Why not, I won’t hear of you sitting it out and I’m told you look breath-taking in the dress,” replied Nana.

Nicole didn’t know what to say. Aunt Janet’s outburst had hurt her very much and she’d rather have sat with Mum and Dad than have to be one of the bridesmaids after having been humiliated like that. On the other hand Nana clearly wanted her to take part and she couldn’t bear to let her down.

“Well honey bunch?” asked Nana in that way only grannies can know. Nikki could only give in.

“Okay Nana,” she replied with a smile.

The happy expression on Nana’s face said it all.

When we met Aunt Janet Mum managed to apologise to her for hitting her. Aunt Janet accepted the apology but made none herself which made me mad since it implied Mum had been completely wrong.

“That’s rich Rebecca, coming from you,” a voice inside told me, “when you still can’t tell Nikki what you did,”

Mum however didn’t seem bothered; in fact she was ratherbuoyant. Her conversation with Laura had convinced her Aunt Janet’s behaviour sprang out of ignorance of transgender issues which allowed her to forgive her sister-in laws unfortunate stance.

Katie and Pete had no bad feeling towards us or Mum but they weren’t talking to their mother until she apologised to Nikki.

The next practice session went very well and there were no disturbances from Aunt Janet who said absolutely nothing to or about Nikki. On the day of the ceremony, Christmas Eve, the hall was packed with guests including Grammy. The function was a big successand nobody said anything about Nikki assuming her to be another of the granddaughters. We stayed for Christmas and exchanged presents with our cousins, aunts and uncles. Aunt Janet almost spoilt things again when she gave Nikki a gift addressed to Nicholas Brent. Inside the box was a tie, something Nikki would never wear out of school. My sister said nothing to anyone, hid the tie in her things and put on a cheery face though she was hurt.

By contrast she’d given Aunt Janet a tie-dyed scarf she’d made with Clara’s mother and designed herself, Katie pronounced it amazing and even Aunt Janet was taken aback by what Nikki had created and that she’d given it to her, I think she felt a bit guilty over own gift as a result.

We returned home on Boxing Day and parcelled out our presents to each other at home. I think that was the first Christmas in a while where all of us were at ease particularly Nikki, who wasn’t hiding her identity anymore and remembered how Laura had said she looked gorgeous a year before.

“You know a year you told Mum I looked like a girl,” she reminded Laura as we went downstairs to the kitchen.

“Uh, huh and I said maybe you should have been a girl,” recalled Laura.

And Dad asked who you were talking about then you said me and he replied that I’d be shaving soon,” replied Nicole.

“Fat chance Nikki,” Laura giggled.

“Yeah do you know how happy I am sis?” replied Nicole cheerfully, wrapping her arms around herself in contentment.

I reached the bottom of the stairs and blew a kiss at her, “Good for you babes,” I teased.

Nikki laughed and put her arms around my waist and Laura’s, “It’s thanks to both of you. I love you girls so much! Wait till you see what I got you,” she said in the same happy tone.

“Nicole!” I exclaimed, completely taken aback.

“You shouldn’t have,” I breathed after seeing my present from her.

She’d bought me the most gorgeous boots.

“Like them?” she added with a smile.

“Nikki these are wonderful!” I told her before throwing my arms around her.

Nikki hugged me.

“I love you,” I said quietly.

“Almost as much as the shoes?” asked my sister making me laugh.

“Almost,”

Mum, Dad and Laura eyed us with undisguised pleasure, overjoyed that Nikki and I were now on more normal terms after all that fighting. Nikki was so forgiving and caring but I still couldn’t tell her I’d played a part in her breakup.

I tried but couldn’t.

“Nikki,” I’d ventured.

“What?” responded Nicole, eyes sparkling and a sweet smile on her face.

I just couldn’t tell her.

“Oh nothing,” I heard myself say.

When I was alone tears filled my eyes as I recalled everything I’d done to Nikki and how she’d forgiven me. I was such a fraud, I thought, I didn’t deserve her or her forgiveness when she still didn’t know about Wayne. I knew I had to tell her if I was going to have peace of mind because since our making up my guilt had increased tenfold and I wasn’t even free to be upset now since to everyone my quarrel with my family was over.

I couldn’t pretend Nikki didn’t exist anymore and I didn’t want too, I need her too much and valued her to ever to be apart from her. So I didn’t tell her because I didn’t want to her to hate me yet being near her or having her be sweet to me was tearing me apart.

To be continued