Fairyland Trail, Part 4

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McKenzie and Mom return home from the 'all-girls' vacation at Bryce Canyon. Mom expresses serious concern that McKenzie's dress-up activities will interfere with the custody hearings. Aunt Karen continues to be enthusiastic about McKenzie's changes, but what is her agenda? McKenzie has conflicted feelings, but keeps communicating with StacyLyn.
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Closeted at Home

Finally we were on our way home. For the last three days I had been privileged to be part of an "all-girls" vacation to Bryce Canyon National Park in southern Utah with Mom, Aunt Karen, and cousin Kaylie. Aunt Karen has initiated the idea of my dressing as a girl for the event, and Kaylie, who is my age, had been an excellent tutor. StacyLyn, the girl who read and asked why I was dressed as a girl me when we first arrived, had been really nice to me when we met in the afternoon on the Fairyland Trail and again during dinner in the restaurant. Yesterday she had invited us to join the female members of her family on a scenic drive and evening picnic. StacyLyn had led me away from the campfire to tell me that she liked feminine boys and then revealed a secret about her background that put things into a totally different perspective for me.

I was enjoying the scenery as we drove along Highway 89 toward the Interstate. Again I was wearing casual sportswear borrowed from Kaylie with the clip-on ponytail sticking out above the adjusting strap on the back of my cap. Mom and Aunt Karen were chatting in front while Kaylie and I were in back entertaining ourselves listing to music and looking at magazines. I gave the copy of Cosmo Girl back to Kaylie and traded for a hairstyles magazine. It was an issue on short summertime haircuts which were now a bit out of season since we were well into the fall. But, for me these girls’ hairstyles were absolutely fascinating. I had never thought much about how feminine and pretty hair could look even if it no longer that what I already had but carefully styled. I started wondering if I could find something that could be brushed to look reasonably boyish for normal wear but could also be fancied up for girl time.

Unlike the first day I was not worrying about rest stops. After two days as a girl in the park I was now confident that I could go anywhere, including the ladies room, and pass as a girl with a ponytail who was wearing jeans and a feminine shirt. Well, maybe this was overconfidence. When in public I found it reassuring to have Kaylie nearby in case I got into an uncomfortable situation. I was thinking about how she had expertly saved me by playing the flirt when StacyLyn's brother Jacob showed a bit too much interest in me. This did bring up some troubling questions about how I was going to deal with boys if I ever got a chance to dress up like this again. I put this thought aside when I realized that the conversation in the front seat was about me.

"Karen, do you think what we did was right in making McKenzie into a girl for this trip?"

"Nothing was wrong, Carol. McKenzie enjoyed herself and discovered a new aspect of her personality. Yesterday it was so marvelous to watch McKenzie interacting like a normal girl with Kaylie and StacyLyn."

"But this was all so sudden. What ever made you suggest the idea?"

"I have been watching McKenzie for years. We both know he spends a lot of time hanging out with Kaylie and her friends. I figured my nephew would enjoy the experience. Besides, you needed to get away from reminders of that awful, soon-to-be-ex husband of yours. What could be better that an all-girl trip in the outdoors that let us relive our summer camp experiences and share them with out daughters?"

"Yes, I could see McKenzie was enjoying himself, so I went along. Still, I was really scared at times."

"Scared of what? You know, crossdressing is not illegal. The three of us could have bailed McKenzie out of any situation if the fact that she has boy parts had become an issue. "

"What frightens me is having the self-important and arrogant Master Sergeant Jared C. Clark find out. Right now it looks like he will negotiate a quick divorce and not fight for custody of McKenzie. All that selfish man wants is to be with his new girlfriend. But, if he found out about this trip he could use it as a weapon in court. Cross dressing may not be illegal but a lot of local judges are really traditional and conservative. Jared's lawyer could easily argue that what we have done to McKenzie is deviant and abusive parenting."

"We didn't force McKenzie into this. I asked and he went along with the suggestion to be a she for the weekend. Don't worry, it was all a lot of fun."

I looked back at the magazine and didn't say anything. The mention of my father had suddenly shaken me out of the pleasant fantasy of the last few days. Memories of his shouting at me to man up and quit being a sissy flooded through my mind. My father was career military and spent most of the recent years on deployment so I didn't see him too often. Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie had really been my family influences, and that suited me just fine. I knew a little about family court issues from the experiences of some of my class mates at school. As I sat thinking about the upcoming changes in our family situation I realized that my future would really depend on the judge who would eventually rule on child custody.

I started thinking about going back to school in boy mode. There was no question, at school I would have to again be my normal self. In some ways that was a relief. I needed time to think about all that had happened in the past few days. Kaylie must have sensed what I was thinking.

"Well, I guess my cousin needs to become a boy again for school tomorrow. How sad, I will miss the new McKenzie."

"You know, I am going to miss her too. I'll still hang out with you and your friends but it won't be the same as being one of the girls."

"Well maybe you mom will let you have some girl time again soon. I'd like that, and so would you."

We went back to listening to the music. I was still very mixed up about my feminine side. I was enjoying the experience, but somehow uncomfortable as well. Maybe it was because of all the arguments I had with Father over my being a sissy. Eventually my thoughts turned to my private conversation last night with StacyLyn. She made me promise to keep it a secret so I was the only one in the car who knew the truth about StacyLyn's family situation. We had talked privately only a few minutes, but StacyLyn had told me something I had never imagined. StacyLyn had a lot of empathy for feminine boys. She emphasized that she liked me and wanted to be my friend. We had exchanged contact information but she lived in a major city a half-day drive from my home so I was not sure when I would see her next. Some things StacyLyn told me were fascinating, but I was also frightened. I decided that this was all something I was not quite ready to think about. My immediate problems were school, being supportive of Mom, and making sure I stayed living with her without interference from my Father.

************
We arrived safely back home in Santa Carla and the next morning it was back to Pineview School as my usual self. All during the trip to Bryce Canyon I had been coached by Kaylie on walking like a girl. Now I suddenly needed to switch back and monitor my movements so that I didn't act too girly. I wasn't sure which I considered worse -- being read as a boy when wearing girl's clothes in the park or being called out for acting as a sissy at school. I had been taunted before and I was sure it would happen again.

"Hi, McKenzie, I hardly recognized you the way you are dressed."

"Quiet, Kaylie, I don't want your friends to overhear us talking about the trip and start asking questions."

"You mean I can't tell everyone about how we posed for the photographer who wanted some pretty girls in his landscape pictures of the Fairyland trail?"

"No!"

"OK, just kidding. Let's head to class. Remember to carry your books under your arm, not in front of your boobs."

"Quit teasing me."

As I said this I noticed a couple of unfamiliar students staring at Kaylie and me. Just then a bunch of Kaylie's friends walked up and joined us heading into the building. A few of the tough boys from our class were hanging out near the front door, and I thought I heard someone mumble "faggot" as we passed.

For the next few weeks I realized I was looking at girls differently now. I had always been friends with a lot of the girls my age, but now I wanted more than just friendship. I wanted to be one of them. I found myself being jealous of their nice clothes, their long hair, their jewelry, and other fashion accessories. I kept noticing how everyone treats girls nicely compared to the boys. I knew I needed to talk to Mom about this sometime, but was not totally sure what I wanted to say.

My trip to Bryce Canyon as a girl had awakened something, but these feelings that I should be a girl were not totally new. Thinking back, I could remember identifying as a girl as far back as kindergarten. On the first day of class the teacher asked us to line up and I had gotten behind Kaylie in the girls' line. Everyone laughed at me when the teacher pulled me over into the other line and told me to act like a boy. I remembered being corrected multiple times for playing girls' games, but it took me well into grade school before I could figure out what I was doing wrong.

Father was somewhat aware of all this and when he was home between deployments he did is best to try to toughen me up. The experience frustrated both of us. Still, by the end of grade school I had mastered acting sufficiently boyish to get by but had also gotten used to being called a sissy. Now in middle school I was having to face these issues again.

***************
During the weeks that followed Aunt Karen was enthusiastic and encouraged every sign of femininity in me. She had suggested the dress-up trip to Bryce Canyon and had enjoyed watching me learn how to act as we hiked the Fairyland Trail. Since our return she had been very supportive of my spending time with Kaylie, and complemented me whenever I did something noticeably girlish.

There were times when Mom seemed totally delighted about having a pretend daughter, but more often she was reminding me to be careful how I presented myself at school and in public. Santa Carla was definitely not the most open-minded town. The population was a mix of old-time western rednecks, conservative retired rich people, and a few military families associated with the National Guard training site. It was the sort of town where people were expected to follow traditional roles: working fathers, stay at home mothers, macho boys and sugar-and-spice girls. Between the small-town social pressures and the upcoming custody hearings it was clear the Mom did not want to be accused of making me into a girl.

I really wanted to find a low-risk way that I could express at least a little femininity. I usually followed Kaylie over to her house after school and stayed there relaxing, playing, or doing homework until my Mom got home from work and hour or two later. Sometimes a few of Kaylie's friends joined us, and I did my best to act like one of the girls.

I started to explore the limits of what Mom would allow. Mom and I were visiting over at Aunt Karen's for dinner, and I was sitting with Kaylie in her room talking about nothing in particular. Thumbing through the make-up tips section of one of her teen-girl magazines gave me an idea.

"Kaylie, would help me paint my nails? You did such a neat job just before we left for the Bryce Canyon trip. Remember that StacyLyn thought my nails looked really good on that trip."

"Guess so, do you want some clear polish this time so it won't show?"

"Let me be daring -- bright red. The brightest you have."

"If that's what you want, girl."

My nails were dry by the time we were called to dinner. We sat down and began loading our plates as the various dishes were passed around the table. I used exaggerated, overtly feminine hand gestures so that my nails would be as obvious as possible. I was going to make a statement.

"McKenzie, why are your nails painted?"

"I felt like it, Mom. Kaylie helped me when I asked."

"Well, you better plan to have her help you clean it off before we head home. You are not going to school tomorrow like that. What if your father found out?"

"Calm down, Carol. McKenzie is trying desperately to tell you something. The least you could do is listen and be supportive."

"Dear, I know you want to be a girl. Let's just be discrete about it until things settle down." I looked intently at Mom. Finally I said, "OK, Kaylie can help check that I get the polish all off."

One day on the way home from school I asked Kaylie, "Do you still have that short hair styles magazine issue? You know, the one I was looking at on the way back from our special trip."

"Might have it. Let me look." We went to her place and she rummaged around in her room for a while. "Yes, here. What's up?"

"I am looking to see what I could do if I let my hair grow just a little bit. You know, something that looks like a shaggy mop of hair on a boy but can be sculpted with some styling gel to look like a girl's cut."

"Your Aunt Karen would find that sort of hair cut fascinating. She might even help you. She styles my hair sometimes, you know."

"That would be fun. Do you think my Mom would allow it?

I had a number of intense discussions with Mom, but eventually she agreed to let me skip a haircut for two months then go to a stylist. The ground rules were that whatever I did with my hair it still had to be something the could reasonably be a boy style at critical times. She emphasized that the absolute rule for me was that I had to be a boy in public, at least for now. I know she was worried about community reactions to anything different.

Finally the time came. Aunt Karen had been combing and brushing my hair when I visited her place and one day she had announced I was ready of a professional job. She set up an appointment, and I went with Kaylie to her usual hair stylist. The signs implied this was a unisex salon, but I only saw women and girls inside. Kaylie got a light trim to even things up but stayed with her basic bangs and ponytail cheerleader look. Then it was my turn. The hairdresser's eyes rolled when I showed her the magazine picture of what I wanted, but she was a professional about it.

"You know that hair style will make you look like a girl."

"Maybe, but I think is unisex enough so that it can be combed into a boy-style cut."

"Can I ask why you picked this style?"

"I ... uhh ...."

"OK, I can guess sweetie." She gave me a wink and a smile. "I know just what to do. I promise I won't gossip about you with my other customers."

"Thanks, that's important to my Mom."

After a few minutes of cutting I still looked like a boy with shaggy hair. Then I heard her say, "Watch carefully what I do now so you can do it whenever you want at home."

She took a bottle of styling gel and a comb and swiftly sculpted the hair to give it a lot more volume. With a few more adjustments sweeps of hair delicately framed my face. I was amazed by what I was seeing in the mirror.

"Awesome!" exclaimed Kaylie. "I dare you to wear it home like that. Hurry up, my mom is here to pick us up."

I gave the hairdresser a big tip along with the payment and promised I would be back to see what else she could do for me when I had a bit more hair. Aunt Karen showered me with compliments as we got into the car. On the ride home I kept thinking about that marvelous evening when we had the fancy dress-up mother-daughter dinner in the restaurant at Ruby's Inn. I had asked softly if I could do this again, and everyone had smiled and Aunt Karen gave Mom a thumbs-up. But once we got home and she had talked to a divorce lawyer she became really afraid that people would find out about my dress-up activities. I began to suspect that she Mom having doubts about our trip to Bryce Canyon.

When I got home from the salon Mom seemed pleased by my new appearance, but she insisted I shampoo and get my hair back into boy mode before going to school again. Styling and then unstyling my hair became part of my after school visits with Kaylie and her friends. The other girls were always amused when Kaylie took out a comb and gel to demonstrate her hair styling skills on me.

But alas, I could only be seen in public with shaggy boy-style hair. Mom was even concerned about Kaylie styling my hair in front of her friends.

"What if one of those girls started to gossip, or worse, took a picture with her cell phone camera?"

"I trust them. Besides, if a picture got taken I could always say we were just playing."

"Well, be careful."

Mom and I continued to visit at Aunt Karen's on weekends and evenings. I the unspoken rules were that I could borrow some of Kaylie's clothes as long as I only wore them in the house or the backyard which had a high fence. I thought it was nice to wear something pretty and I found myself doing it more and more. Usually it was just casual sportswear like girl-cut skinny jeans and a blouse, but sometimes we had full-scale fancy dinners when I got to wear one of Kaylie's dresses and a little makeup.

********
As promised, I was careful how I presented myself around Santa Carla, but I also felt a need to share with StacyLyn. During the past school year I had been maintaining contact with her. Emails, text messages, and an occasional phone call allowed me to share my progress and keep up with events in her life too. StacyLyn became a special confidant and was the one person I could really share my gender confusion with. Kaylie was supportive, but often teased me when I wished she would be serious.

Against Mom's instructions I occasionally took some pictures of myself when dressed up and sent them to StaceyLyn. She always replied with support and delight. The secret that StacyLyn had told me during the picnic was something we kept between us and had become a source of encouragement for me. StacyLyn kept telling me that she liked feminine boys and thought that any boy who wanted should be able to live as a girl. Those sorts of ideas both excited and scared me. StacyLyn sent me a steady stream of advice on gender issues.

Kaylie kept trying to figure out what we had talked about that night a Bryce Canyon when StacyLyn pulled me aside for a private conversation. Keeping a secret is hard, but I kept my promise.

**************
One Saturday Aunt Karen suggested we make a trip to the mall, and of course I was interested. I have always enjoyed shopping trips, especially when I follow Mom, Aunt Karen, and Kaylie through the womens' and girls' sections. Mom was still occasionally depressed when she heard more about my father's affairs or had a bad meeting with the divorce lawyers. We all hoped this shopping trip would cheer her up.

As we got into the car Mom said, "I want to make this a nice day for you too."

I wondered what that remark meant as we headed toward Red Desert Mall. As usual we started by window shopping the full length of the main corridor before heading into the first specialty shop. Spring was coming and Mom and Aunt Karen were both looking for seasonal outfits for work. Neither Kaylie nor I were especially interested in career clothes so we sorted of wandered off and found ourselves next door looking at hair accessories.

"You know, you have enough hair now that some of these would really look neat on you."

"Yes, but I'm not sure Mom wants me to be seen buying this sort of stuff."

"Come on. Guys get gifts for a 'special girl' all the time."

I ended picking up a few hair clips and a headband. It ended up being no big deal, but still it was nice to have some accessories of my own instead of what I borrowed from Kaylie.

Mom and Aunt Karen found us and announced that we needed to do some shopping for Kaylie next. That sounded good. At least I would be able to look at clothes more appropriate for girls my age. As we headed toward the next store Aunt Karen remarked to Mom that Kaylie would need to get new clothes more often now as she was starting to rapidly develop a teen figure. The remark was addressed to Mom but somehow I think it was also intended for me to hear it. This could pose a problem for my borrowing her clothes.

Aunt Karen decided Kaylie needed a new, larger bra and I started becoming totally jealous as I watched her get measured, pick a style, and head back into the changing rooms. For the first time on this trip I knew I was definitely excluded. Why did I have to be born a boy? Next Kaylie got a nice white blouse with a lacy collar and a floral-print summer weigh skirt. One again I felt left out.

At one point I noticed Mom had disappeared and I was with just Aunt Karen and Kaylie wandering through the girls sportswear section.

"Your Mom will be right back," said Aunt Karen, and I did not think any more about it.

After Mom came back we headed to the food court, had a light snack, browsed a bit more, then headed home. We dropped Aunt Karen and Kaylie off at their house then Mom and I drove the short distance home. I went to my room and sulked. In one sense I had enjoyed the shopping trip, but compared to previous trips I had also felt very much left out. For weeks I had been thinking about ways I could experience a little more femininity and today I was reminded that I was still stuck as a boy. I started playing with my hair and wondered if I could convince Mom to let me grow it even longer.

Just then Mom knocked on my door. "May I come in?" She entered carrying several packages from the same store where Kaylie had gotten her summer outfit. "I have a nice surprise for you."

She handed me the packages and indicated I should open them. It was unbelievable -- a blouse and skirt set just like Kaylie's. The only difference is that Kaylie had gotten a green and yellow print and this one was in green and brown. Identical style and complementary color patterns to give a coordinated, but not matching, look. "For me?"

"Yes, dear. Now open the other package too."

It was a heavily padded training bra. Mom indicated I should take off my shirt, and then she helped me adjust the shoulder straps to get just the right fit.

"Both you and Kaylie have grown a lot, and it has been a long time since she stopped wearing training bras. The ones you were borrowing from her were really too small for you. I decided you needed one of your own."

"Mom, thank you. I never expected this. I haven't understood how you feel about my dressing."

"I am still nervous about all this, but Aunt Karen convinced me that the right thing to do was to be more supportive of you. We just need to keep your dress-up sessions private, OK."

"Yes, Mom."

"McKenzie, I think we both wish you had been born a girl."

Suddenly we were hugging each other and crying. Before I went to bed I sent a message to StacyLyn telling her about Mom's purchases for me. Almost immediately I got a reply"

> snd me a pix of you in your new top & bra ;) want to show aunt jessica
> maybe later mom keeps warning me
> goodnight sleep like a princess

I few days later I overheard her talking to Aunt Karen. "Look, I just don't what the issue of McKenzie's feminine interest to come up in court when I ask for sole custody. McKenzie, will have a lot to regret if her ... that is his ... father gets join custody and tries to use that as a lever to send him to some military prep school or wilderness therapy camp as a way to toughen him up and make him into a man."

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Comments

Gender or no...

Andrea Lena's picture

...it's sad that Mackenzie's mom has to worry like so many other parents that their child might be used as a pawn in a custody dispute. I hope for everyone's sake that her soon-to-be-ex is more reasonable than that. But, as they say, I'm not holding my breath on that one. Thank you.

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Fairyland Trail, Part 4

Is McKenzie truly a girl in a boy's body, or has the trip confused him abut who he is? Could some time away from his family such as with the grandparents, or cousins be enough to allow him to decide who he ants to be without getting the macho jerk dad involved? Worried that the child will get hurt if they are not careful.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Fairyland Trail, Part 3

Good story

++++++++++++
Cartman: A fine day of plundering we had boys. What about yourselves? Here you are lads, plenty of booty to go around. A round of grog for me boys. A round of grog for everyone!

McKenzie & his girl friends are tweaking a dragon's tail

They are taking too many chances with the dressing up and girl lesions.

As much as the child self identifies as female he is at a terrible risk until the divorce is final.

The kids are playing a dangerous game. Mom is right to be worried.

Do continue this sweet tale.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

Strike

So how close can you get to the snake before it strikes n what drives us on to take such risks. McKenzie is fortunate to be surrounded by such loving support but get that custody deal safely sorted k-jo

I was lying down minding my own business when life came by and drove right over me

Santa Clara - San Jose

>> Santa Carla was definitely not the most open-minded town. The population was a mix of old-time western rednecks, conservative retired rich people, and a few military families associated with the National Guard training site. It was the sort of town where people were expected to follow traditional roles: working fathers, stay at home mothers, macho boys and sugar-and-spice girls. <<

I'm glad they at least allowed The Spice Girls, way back when.....

I've never lived in or near Santa Carla, but I was there in '79 interviewing for jobs in the semiconductor industry. On a map, it looks like San Jose on the east and Santa Carla on the west are at the center of the most developed area, which is know world wide as Silicon Valley. A lot of direct semicon' manufacturing has been driven overseas, but there still must be a big employment base in and supporting high-tech industries. Also, this is supposed to be Northern CA, right down the bay from San Francisco and Stanford on one side and Berkeley - Oakland on the other side. I think Silicon Valley, like other high-tech areas attract lots of college educated professionals and techs to move there and swell the population.

Maybe this is just my wish fulfillment, but I imagine, of the locals, more would relate to the '60s - '70s music scene or be their kids, than old farmers, ranchers or lifer military and their kids. I basically thought that in cities, S. CA was more republican/conservative and N. CA was more democrat/liberal. I'd be happy to hear about the actual state of things from natives/semi-natives if we have some who might comment!

Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee

'Drea's right....

.... it's such a pity that a Mom has to worry about the disclosure and the way it would affect a divorce outcome..... For C*'s sake, this is the 21st Century and the Military can't be so full of red-necks, not the divorce courts.... surely not! (Forgive me, a view from England must seem queer....!!??) Live how you wanna live - Mom and daughter! Love Ginger xx