Transitioning Home
by poetheather

For Sergeant Thomas Simmons, getting injured in Iraq was just the start of an adventure that would throw him down the rabbit hole into a world where nothing made sense anymore. Having to restart his life, this soldier has to take his battlefield courage and turn it to a different arena in order to face this newest set of challenges. He just wonders if he is strong enough to handle this newest change in his life.

Seventeen

Emily yawned and woke up to a strange ceiling. He turned his head and there was Leah in bed next to him, still asleep and snoring softly. Her face was peaceful and beautiful and he could have watched her sleep all day except nature was sending its insistent call and there was no denying it.

With a groan, he sat up and stood, using the cane that was next his side of the bed. Emily barely remembered putting it there before going to bed. He hobbled to the bathroom, relying on the quick tour that had happened last night to find it. He found the room in question, pulled down his panties, and sat, sighing contentedly as his bladder released the building pressure.

He wiped himself dry, tucked and stood, the sleep shirt she had given him last night falling back into place. It had the picture of a sleeping kitten on it and Emily really did like it. The kitten was cute and it did give her a bit of a smile. When he had mentioned this last night Leah had simply given it to him. It was now his for anytime he was over here seeing her. That boded well for things.

Last night with Leah had definitely been different. First off there was mutual foreplay that seemed to last forever. He had never done anything like that with any girl he had been with before. She had taken him to the brink of orgasm so many time that he had lost count. He had done the same to her, under her guidance. She had put the colored condom on him and then after making sure he was comfortable, straddled him and rode them both into screaming orgasms. They had collapsed onto each other afterwards, tremors shaking the both of them. It had taken around five minutes before either of them felt like moving, panting heavily and their limbs refusing to move as they asked. After they were able to breathe a bit easier, she had thanked him, shifted her body weight off of him and rolled off, taking care not to hurt his injured leg. Moving slowly on wobbly legs, she had staggered into the bathroom and got a warm washcloth for each of them to clean up with. It had felt wonderful as she cleaned him.

While he had been cleaning up, disposing of the used condom and going to the bathroom she had gotten out the sleep shirts. She had handed it to Emily without really looking at his penis. She blushed some before saying, “Could you please put that thing away?”

Emily had, tucking everything away under his panties that Leah had found where ever they had been flung earlier. They had then put on the sleep shirts and gone to bed. Leah had pulled Emily into her shoulder and he had never slept like that before but he liked it. Leah’s arm around him felt safe, comforting. There had been no nightmares and he actually felt rested for a change when he had opened his eyes. Smiling at the memories of last night, he padded into the open room that he had wondered about and began doing his stretches, just like his physical therapist wanted. They were modified Pilates and Yoga moves all designed to try to help keep all of his muscles from seizing up or tightening.

They were slowly starting to work, as evidenced by his exertions on the dance floor last night. He had woken up with his leg really sore, but not screaming which he had been expecting. Emily moved from stretch to stretch, trying to push just a little further each time and holding the pose for thirty seconds. His cane was nearby but he wasn’t using it as these were also helping to build more strength in his leg and shoulder. The stretching was helping to wake him up even more as the pain flares worked better than coffee at making him awake and aware.

He was on his hands and knees doing the cat stretch, stretching down and forward and then up to stretch the back upwards. He stopped with his back arched up and turned his head when he heard, “Mmmmmmm now that’s a pleasant sight to wake up to. Morning Emily.”

“Morning Leah. Could I sweet talk you into making some coffee?” He had been jonesing for a morning cup and he would have made some if he had known where everything had been. On the other hand, that bean grinder was loud and he hadn’t wanted to wake up Leah. Now that she was up, he had no problem with asking about that. Besides, she made excellent coffee.

Leah smiled at him and nodded, still a little groggy, rubbing the sleep sand from her eyes. She turned and padded into the kitchen. Soon the sound of the grinder filled the room as he continued stretching. Emily smiled brightly to herself; soon fresh nectar from the gods would appear and all would be right in the world.

Soon enough the watched pot finished its cycle and he hobbled in just in time to get a mug full of the dark goodness. They sat in the padded chairs in the breakfast nook, looking out the windows at the small garden in the backyard that was still partially in shade. Emily sipped some of the excellent java and said, “I have a bit of a personal question to ask, and I don’t want to offend you.”

Leah smiled, looking a bit amused at him. “Go ahead. I knew a lot of things about you from Stacy, while you know nothing about me. Shoot.”

Emily nodded and bit her bottom lip. “I don’t mean to pry but I am still trying to make sense out of something you did and asked last night after we made love. You averted your eyes and asked me to put it away. Why?”

Leah’s face grew quiet; her brown eyes darkened as she looked down at the table but were clearly seeing something else. She said in a voice full of old tears, “If we’re going to get involved you deserve to know. I never really had a happy childhood. My mother did a lot of drugs, I mean a lot of drugs. She was a heroin addict and apparently into mushrooms as well. She would do anything to get the money for a fix and I do mean anything. We lived with Goodwill chic everywhere, since she had sold all of the good stuff already to buy a hit or three. One day, when I was six, during the summer before I started first grade, this man came into my room and started undressing. I freaked out and called for my mom, panicking. He chuckled deep into his chest when I was yelling and said in a voice I will never forget, ‘Little girl, it’s time for you to pay your momma’s bill.’

“All that summer, whenever she needed a fix that creepy old man came into my room and used me. Sometimes it was with other people as well. I managed to tell my Grandparents one day during their visit and they took me home with them and called the cops. It had been a horrible experience that I had no idea how to get out of. I had nightmares for years after that. I still do, truth be told, but because of that all of my memories of seeing a penis are tied to pain and humiliation and panic. That’s why I can’t really stand them. Even strap-ons bother me at times. The colored condom seemed like a workable compromise at the time and we were both drunk enough that it didn’t bother me too much.”

Emily came around the table and hugged Leah tight. The horror that had filled him at hearing what Leah had gone through demanded that he do something. She had endured more pain than he had. “I’m sorry. So very sorry.”

Leah shushed him, running a hand over his hair and cupping the back of his head. “It’s okay Emily. That on its own wouldn’t have made me gay. I just never felt any kind of attraction to boys anyway. And the sight of one of those… things just dangling there just makes me… a bit twitchy.”

The pieces were not quite falling into place correctly for Emily, given how everything had played out last night. He wasn’t sure why though and was trying to make sense of it for himself. “If that’s so, how could you and I…”

“I told myself it was a colored dildo on a strap-on. Uhm… you know… I would really prefer it if we changed the subject.” She quieted herself with a drink of her coffee. “I am sorry to lay that all on you this early in the morning, but if we have any chance of going farther than a one night stand you needed to know that.”

“You mean, given everything you still want to go farther with me? I mean I would understand if you didn’t want to.”

Leah shook her head. “I did mean that Emily, but that is why I don’t want to know your other name and I want to see you in my head the way you are now, as my girl. If you are okay with that than I think we might have a future. But now the real question of importance arises. What do we want to do today?”

“Well, before we do too much I need to get home, shower, get a change of clothes, and take my meds. Since I had no idea I would meet someone I wasn’t prepared for anything like this. That will be a great start to things. Besides from what I was told, clubbing clothes are not the best for lounging in so I want to change.” stated Emily.

Leah laughed, the ghost of the earlier topic fading and her eyes brightened. “Emily, you really are such a girl.”

“What did I say?”

* * * * * *

Emily felt so much better after the shower. He had gotten out a pair of blue and yellow flower patterned panties and slipped them on. He then stood dressed in those while he tried to figure out what to wear. Tonight was the support group meeting down in Nashville and if the two of them spent the day together, he wouldn’t have time to change before he would need to be there. At least he hoped that might be the way the day would play out. He scanned over everything he owned, trying to figure out what he was in the mood to wear. He figured denim capris and a button down short sleeved shirt would look good, especially with sandals.

He pulled on his clothes, worked his hair into a high ponytail and went in to look at himself. With the eyebrow shaping that had been done, Emily was aware that she looked like a girl. The falsies were a wonderful thing, enabling him to wear the bras without looking too odd and flat chested. Leah whistled appreciatively when he walked out. He grabbed his meds and took them with some water. Leah looked at him and said, “Did you want to take anything just in case things go well and I want you to stay over again?”

Emily blushed and nodded. She grabbed a bag and began to fill it with stuff he would need if this was going to happen. The idea excited him and he hoped things did turn out well, as she was really starting to like Leah. He was ready to go as Leah was again going to be driving.

Once seated in the car, Emily asked, “So where to?”

The grin was so wide it was almost frightening. “Can’t tell you because it is a surprise.”

He chuckled. This just might turn out to be fun. When he had been on base, he really hadn’t ventured off base for the most part. Ft. Campbell was like a little tiny city all by itself as it had a mall, fast food places, and places to do things, like the gyms or bowling alley. Now that he was living in town, life was different; he now needed to know where lots of places were as things were scattered about. If it weren’t for MapQuest he would never have been able to find anything in the city. He knew how to get to the Mall, coffee shop, the massage place, the school and several restaurants. He basically knew where nothing was in Clarksville and she didn’t like that.

He realized that they were heading back to Nashville but then again that wasn’t all that useful, information wise. Leah kept deflecting questions as to their destination while she fiddled with the CD player. He realized that he needed to stop fretting about things and just cope, besides, it was a nice day outside, and he got to passenger instead of drive which she really liked. Emily just sat back and tried to stop worrying while they kept driving and chatting about life and things each of them wanted to do with their lives. Once they hit the town, they looped around to the other side before exiting. Emily wasn’t sure what the street name was as he had missed the name of the exit as she had been looking at Leah, but he did spot a sign for Vanderbilt University.

The park she drove into was huge. As she headed into the center of it, Emily figured that it could be about as big if not bigger than the town he was from. There was a large white stone building in front of them that looked like some sort of Greek building and there was some scaffolding around it, as if they were doing more construction. As they pulled in front to get to the parking, he saw two huge doors that looked like they were metal that had carvings on them. He was quite confused, but it awe. It was amazing but why were they here? He hadn’t known that the city had anything like this.

Leah got out and headed towards the entrance. She turned around and walked backwards as she said, “Come on Em. I know you’ll want to see this if you already haven’t.”

“What is it?” asked Emily as she looked up at the Greek style building, still unsure exactly what it was.

“This is the Parthenon, it’s a reproduction of the one in Athens. It holds a statue to Athena.” replied Leah as she led them down a slight slope and through the glass doors of the entrance.

The dark haired girl bought the tickets and led Emily up stairs. Before they turned into the main section, Leah moved in front of Emily and said, “You need to close your eyes, and no peeking. I will lead you to where you have to stand to get the full impact of what you are about to see.”

Emily looked a bit skeptical at Leah but did as he was told. Once his eyes were closed, Leah took one of her hands and led him into the room. Emily could feel the difference between the little alcove where the stairs were and this place. It also felt a little crowded due to the pressure he was feeling and he kept expecting to run into someone. Finally, they stopped and Leah turned him. He figured this was weird but he wasn’t losing anything by playing along with her.

“Now open your eyes.” whispered Leah, off to his right.

He opened his eyes and his heart leapt to his throat. When she had said statue, Leah had mentioned nothing about it being huge. The sight took his breath away as it filled his eyes. He just stared at the statue, awestruck by the level of detail that had gone into it, his mind struggling to grasp what she was seeing. Finally, Leah nudged him and brought him out of whatever trance he had fallen into. “Isn’t she impressive?”

Emily could only nod. She still couldn’t take her eyes off of it. The statue was just incredible. Words didn’t really do much to help and his brain was still trying to adequately process what it was seeing. Leah reached out and turned Emily to face her. “Emily, earth to Emily… come back sweetie.”

Emily blinked furiously and then finally saw Leah. His mouth was dry, and his eyes felt dry a well. He blinked and rubbed them to get the moisture back. “Wow. That was just… wow.”

“They also open the doors for her occasionally so she can look out across the city. She is just absolutely amazing. She takes my breath away everytime I see her. She’s just incredible.” Leah looked up lovingly at the statue.

Emily looked at Leah and tried to decipher the girl’s look. He had only seen that look once before and that was at a tent revival he had been taken to in his teens. Almost everyone had been taken up by some sort of rapture and had that look on their faces. Emily just didn’t get it. He could sort of understand that look of awe being directed to this statue to Athena as it was heart-stoppingly beautiful. But the look of Leah’s face was something else. This statue really meant something to her.

Leah looked back at him, something of a secret smile playing across her lips. “This is one of my special places. I come here when I need to think or get away from all the crap that bothers me. I just come in and sit with Her and everything is better. I get to just bask in Her presence and let my troubles fall away when I am here. She helps me to get perspective on things as it is really easy to feel small around Her. That’s something I really need sometimes, you know?”

Emily looked up again at the statue, up at the eyes looking out and at something in the distance. He did feel at peace here, feel a sort of presence that filled the mostly empty space and he was completely at a loss for words as to why that should be the case. He exhaled and just let the tension she thought about gender, her disability, family, school, everything he had been dealing with fade away. “Yeah, I think I see what you mean. She is just amazing and you can just sit here totally enveloped by the immensity of her presence. She makes you feel mighty and tiny all at the same time. Thank you for bringing me here. This is so cool.”

Leah smiled and took his hand again. “You’re welcome Emily. I just wanted to share this with you. It’s special to me and you are something special.”

She pulled his face closer and kissed him, softly at first and then with more passion. She broke off the kiss and hugged him. They stood there awhile before she let him go and Emily’s head was spinning. There was something about Leah that made him want to curl up in her arms forever and he had never felt that way before about anyone and that was a bit confusing. In some vague way that was hard to define, he didn’t feel like a guy when he was with her. It could be because she was a bit more aggressive and forceful than he was, but he was fine with whatever that indefinable part was. He liked being held by her. It was nice and was a sensation that he was beginning to really appreciate.

She took his hand and lead him around the statue, pointing out the details of the Aegis, Nike and the images on the sandals. Emily was utterly impressed with the statue. Given the fact that even the back was as detailed as the front, it had to have been a hell of an accomplishment. She then showed him a copy of the Elgin Marbles in the antechamber and explained what they were. They were also impressive, though not as much as Athena had been, maybe it was just the matter of scale. There was just such a feel to the place, which wasn’t as intense in the antechamber as it was in the main room with the statue. There was less of that pressure there, which he had some trouble explaining.

He then realized what it felt like. It felt like he was standing in a church, or one of the Mosques he had visited when he had been in Mosul. It felt as if there was a presence there, watching everything that was happening, possibly a divine presence. That shook Emily, as he had never thought of that particular feeling being associated with anything but the Christian faith or with older buildings. However, there it undeniably was. Did this mean that pagan faiths were real too, in the sense of a presence? And given the look on Leah’s face did that mean she was a pagan? What would his family think to find out he was seeing a pagan lesbian? And did he even care? He finally took a risk and asked, “Leah… are you a pagan?”

She laughed at the question and turned to face him. Emily really liked the sound of her laugh. She looked at him gently and said. “Yes. I am a pagan. Athena is my primary Goddess. Why do you ask?”

“The look on your face when you looked up at the statue. It made me think of the look I had seen on several peoples faces at a revival. I… I was just wondering is all.” He was a bit worried that she would be offended.

She glanced at her watch and then took his hand, squeezing it comfortingly. “I’ll talk to you about it while we are having lunch. Okay?”

Emily nodded in response and with that, the two of them left the statue, with only Leah stopping to bow her head slightly to the statue as they past before it again.

* * * * * *

The restaurant that Leah had dragged them to was small and not very crowded at that time of day. The two of them were seated in a booth and the hostess was off getting them some water. The place was nice and he did appreciate the brewing kettles up at the front. Leah was sitting across from her, looking amused for some reason. “So what do you want to talk about? The pagan thing? Anything else?”

Emily nodded. “Yeah. I’m not sure I get this whole pagan thing. Could you manage to help me wrap my head around that? Please? Because everything I grew up with is telling me that it devil worship and I am sure that isn’t what you are doing. Please?”

The smile was as cute as Rhymer could manage and it had taken some effort to produce it. Leah chuckled at the look and the way he had asked. “Okay, okay… I’ll tell. Just no more with the cuteness. It hurts.”

Rhymer felt a sense of accomplishment at having been able to do something that qualified as cute and was very distinctly feminine. Part of him still cringed at what he had done, just as it cringed over the women’s clothes he was wearing. That part was shouting as loud as it could but it had been muffled some as Emily was getting more and more used to wearing women’s clothes and being a woman. He was having fun being with Leah and wearing these clothes was well worth the time spent with her. That voice of worry and self-disgust didn’t really have much of a chance.

Leah took a sip of her water, sat back against the backrest and began, “Well, in between realizing that I had a distinct sexual interest in girls and coping with the abuse I suffered, I realized that my faith felt really hollow, like I was sort of cut adrift. 12 step programs ask you to focus on a personal relationship to something greater than yourself and I wasn’t sure if I was able to do anything like that. See, I was raised Southern Baptist. In that faith there are very defined roles for people, and a strict version of what the laws of God are. I realized that the ‘queer threat’ the ministers were always harping on was me and I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. I started reading all sorts of things, trying to find something that connected to me. After a good deal of looking, I found information on one of the pagan traditions, and it made sense to me, it seemed to… click is the best way to put it. This new faith that I had been taught to fear and despise gave me something I had lost and I knew I could turn to the Goddess and she would be there for me. The Goddess helped save my life.”

Emily thought about the issue and what she had said, measuring the obvious signs of Leah’s faith against his obvious lack of belief in that area. Nothing was drawing him, as far as he could tell, in fact he almost felt repelled by the faith he had grown up in. He wasn’t even sure where to begin to deal with something as monumental an issue such as this. Maybe he should just deal with one thing at a time and stop trying to stack things? But would looking into finding a faith that worked for him help? Could working with one issue help with another? He really had no idea and felt a good bit out of his depth. Since he had little idea where to go he changed the subject. “So is it ok to ask about what happened last night? You had me pretty worried.”

Leah reached across the table and took Emily’s hand, squeezing it. “Emi, it was just old ghosts messing with me.”

“But old ghosts of what? You said something about abuse and the like and it threw me.” Emily really was worried about her. That bit last night about not wanting to see his penis had been kind of odd and was still bothering him, like she didn’t fully accept him for who he was, like she didn’t believe in the girl he was becoming.

“Like I said I was abused pretty horribly. There were several times when it was from more than one person at the same time. Sometimes just seeing a penis can cause me to have a panic attack and so, because of that, all of my sex toys have to have colors and better if they aren’t all that realistic. I really had to keep telling myself over and over that you simply had on a flesh colored dildo until the pleasure overtook me. I’m sorry about that sweetie.” She actually did look sad at that. “It wasn’t something I did to hurt you, but like I said old ghosts.”

Emily felt his heart go out to her. Leah was so awesome and to have come through such a horrible past and seem to be so together really impressed him. And the fact that she had slept with him, despite everything from her past that said she should have run screaming away from him stunned him to the core. That was actually pretty brave, now that he thought about it. “Nothing to be sorry about. I understand and can live with it. I am just stunned that even with all of that we…”

Leah smiled and blushed a little. “Well, you are just so hot that, you know, I kind of lost myself in things. I only had a problem with things when we actually… and then I did what I could to avoid looking at it. I had fun in a way I completely didn’t expect and I certainly liked it.”

“Me too.” Emily smiled, truly happy about things. Leah made him actually feel like he had been a part of things, like there was a connection there. Hell, sex with Debra had basically been partner assisted masturbation, all things considered, certainly nothing like what had happened last night. Now that he thought about it, most of his other relationships had been that way as well, all flash and no real bang. He had never felt like this with someone at any point in any relationship so far and it was a strange and confusing sensation. Was he actually starting to falling in love? in lust? He really didn’t know the answers to any of those and wasn’t sure what to do about it. Perhaps he needed more time to figure out what he was thinking and feeling.

They were both lost to their own thoughts for a few minutes while they were scanning the menu. The waitress came up and they both ordered the deli pastrami on rye with spicy mustard. They stopped and stared at each other. Leah broke the confused silence first, chuckling a little. “That was odd.”

“You like them as well?” asked Emily even though the answer was obvious, since she had ordered one.
“Yeah.” Leah brushed some hair out of her face. “I have liked them since the first time I ate at a real deli like six years ago.”

“The Army served them a couple of times, which was a nice change of pace. I was impressed by both those and Rubens. I never had sandwiches like that growing up as they were almost always on white bread. Those and very tasty and very filling and much better than bologna and cheese” Emily replied.

“So, Emily, how far are you going to transition?” The question seemed very innocuous to Emily and she shrugged.

“I really don’t know. I just recently accepted that I could be trans. I mean I haven’t been dressed like this very long now, like literally a little over a week. This is the longest time I have ever been dressed, from tonight to now. And by the time we are done here and I get home, longer still. The more you use the name Emily the more it really does start to feel like my name and not just something to be called.” Emily wasn’t looking at her as he spoke but was staring over one of Leah’s shoulders and into nothing. “I guess I honestly don’t know how far I am going to go with this. I do know you don’t make me feel awkward or anything like that over this. I like that. You make me feel like Emily. You make me feel real. Ever since last night I have been drinking that feeling up and I don’t think I ever want that to end. I’m not sure I have ever felt this way before in my entire life. You know, I like feeling real.”

Leah smiled sweetly, in a way that seemed to melt Emily’s heart. “Emi honey, you are my real girl and I do cherish you.”