Scott Taylor Miller is tired of being known as Snotty. On New years Day he resolves to take control of his life and make himself into Taylor. However, Scott is unaware that his new asthma medicine will change him in ways he cannot foresee. Forces both within and without will try to define him. If he doesn't want to be Snotty any longer,
The Taylor Project
Copyright© 2013 Tracey Willows
All Rights Reserved.
Edited by S.L.Hawke
Image Copyright© 2012 Tracey Willows
The Taylor Project
“Bye Grandma, we’ll be fine.” I waved at her as she walked out to her car.
“Have a good time, Mrs. Miller,” said Hailey.
Grandma got into her car and drove off to church. I stepped back inside with Hailey and closed the door. “Whew, I thought she’d never leave.” While I was nervous, that was completely true. We’d been planning to use this opportunity since we discovered that Grandma was going to evening church without us. I’d been alternately dreading and anticipating dressing up as a girl with Hailey since. Now the pendulum was swinging back to anticipation and growing stronger.
“No kidding. Do you think she suspects us?”
“I think she suspects something, but she doesn’t have a clue as to what we’re planning. If she did, she wouldn’t be going to church. She’d bring the fire and brimstone down on us. Hmm, maybe she just didn’t like leaving us by ourselves. She and Cathy’s mom both seem to share the belief that boys and girls our age should never be left alone together. It’s like they think we’re going to rip our clothes off and pounce on each other as soon as they’re gone.”
Hailey giggled. “Well, actually she isn’t too far from wrong, minus the pouncing. I mean, I like you, but not like that." Her giggle turned to a full laugh. "So, let's go rip your clothes off!”
I wasn’t laughing. I thought I’d decided already that I couldn’t be a boy. Yet now that the moment to get dressed up was here, there was a part of me that still wasn’t ready. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to try changing myself in my room. I’ll call you in when I’m done?”
“Yeah, sure, what-ev-ver. I’ll wait out here. Go already.” She offered with a gentle smile and a light push, barely touching my shoulder with her fingertips.
“OK, OK, I’m going.” I moved to my room on autopilot leaving Hailey behind. Maybe I wasn’t too different than Cathy. It was easier to hide from things, to push them off to the future rather than face them. Alone, I opened my closet and moved a stack of boxes to access my hiding place. Reverently, I brought out the carefully folded garments. I’d worn them several times now: taking them out, trying them on, watching myself in the mirror and walking in them. I’d even slept in the panties. They’d grown in importance to me, but they still made me nervous. Why were they scary now? Hailey already knew and approved. Why was this feeling like yet another bridge?
I took the clothes and laid them out on my bed handling them gently. I felt like one of those cartoons where I had a shoulder angel and a shoulder devil. Both whispering advice at me. One of them whispered, ‘Wear the clothes. You know you want to.’ The other whispered, ‘You can’t. You’re a boy. You fag. You sissy.’
Of course, I wasn’t really hearing voices; just arguing with myself. Yet, thinking about it that way helped. Because if one of them was an angel, it was the girl. She was the one who inspired. She wanted me to be true to myself. The one speaking with the male voice wanted me to live in hate and fear. That voice was the demon, and I wasn’t going to give it power over me. I wish I was an artist like Cathy. It would make such a great picture. I still felt all shaky inside, but I could do this. No, I needed to do this.
Deliberately, I slipped off my layers, lost my two shirts, and my sports bra. With growing excitement I picked up the bra Hailey donated to me. It was a simple white garment, but where my sports bras were plain, this one was adorned with lace. I used the hook in front and spin around trick to get it on. Wearing a real bra was starting to feel natural and comfortable. Not that my sports bras hurt, exactly, but after wearing them all day it always felt good to slip them off at night. It was like my boobs didn’t like being squished all the time. Hailey’s bra lifted my boobs up and gave them some space instead of squishing them.
Panties came next, white panties with little red hearts. I should probably wash them after sleeping in them all night. I made a mental note to return them to Hailey so she could slip them in with her laundry. Hailey had said she couldn’t see my package last time. Looking down, I couldn’t see anything either. I was soft, of course. I don’t remember the last time I got hard down there. That was a good thing. I didn’t want anything poking out, and it meant my testosterone was still out of whack. Looking in my mirror I saw Taylor again and smiled. I could almost hear my reflection whispering at me and asking if I really thought she had ever gone away.
My bad little shoulder demon kept whispering that what I was doing was wrong and a sin, but I ignored him. I had no reason to feel guilty. This wasn’t a sin. I wasn’t hurting anyone. They were just clothes. The whispers faded as I slid into the denim skirt drowned out by a rising roar of freedom in my heart. How could it be a sin or wrong? I was a girl; wasn’t I? Maybe not one hundred percent, but I was already more of a girl than I’d ever been a boy. I pulled on the pink top and felt it settle into place. This was the way a girl was supposed to dress, the way I was supposed to dress. I looked at Taylor in the mirror, and she agreed.
I felt like I was walking on the Moon. My feet and my heart were so light that if I gave a little leap, I’d fly up into the sky. This was me. Taylor was the real me. Why would I want to be Snotty? Why would I want to grow up like Dad and Rick when I could be this? I bounded over to my bedroom door and called out, “Hailey, I’m dressed. You can come in now.”
Hailey wasn’t in the living room still. She was standing right outside my door leaning against the wall across from my door. She looked mightily amused. “Looking good, Taylor. I see you found your happy place.”
I grinned back at her. “It’s just good to be me again! Come on. Show me how to do my makeup! I’ve gotta learn to do it myself.” There was just so much to learn and too little time before Grandma got back from church.
Sunday, March 10th – Taylor Project Day 69
Dear Diary, this is Taylor. I think Scotty is gone for good now.
I struggled with this since last week when I first dressed up as a girl. I think I knew even then that Scott was gone for good. I had my epiphany in gym class, but I still couldn’t let him go. It’s surprisingly hard to shut the door on him. I’ve still got a lot of shoulds and oughts in my head telling me that this is wrong in some way, but despite that I’m going down the t-girl path.
I guess Scotty won’t ever really go away. He’ll always be part of me, but he is in the past now. Taylor is my future and my present. I’m sitting here in my girl clothes, and it feels so right. I guess I finally understood all the stories I read. It didn’t feel right at first. It scared me, but now it just feels comfortable. My boy clothes are like a cheap Halloween costume that I put on because I have to. I might have to hide and pretend I am Scott, but I’m really Taylor all the time.
Hailey showed me how to do my makeup while Grandma was at evening church. I’m still a noob at it, but at least I’ve got some idea about what goes where now. I’m going to need lots more practice. It’s a lot more complicated than I expected. I kept overdoing it, but Hailey says everyone does that at first. It’s just that most girls play with Mommy’s makeup when they’re like five or so. She also explained that if the makeup is the first thing that you notice, then you did it wrong. Makeup is supposed to be subtle and accent your natural beauty. She said it better than that, but it makes a kind of sense. I’m still blown away by finding out that I have natural beauty. I don’t know that I’ll ever be beautiful, but I think I can at least make it to cute.
Afterwards we painted my fingernails and toes which felt weird but looks good. It turns out I have wonderful nails according to Hailey. She asked me if I’d been shaping them and trimming my cuticles and was horrified to learn that I usually bite them. I guess that is a nervous boy habit that I need to break now. At least I used to try to smooth out the ends with my teeth, so they weren't all jagged like on some guys I have seen, and I hadn't bit my nails in a while, so she had something to work with. I had to take the polish off my fingernails when we were done, but I left my toes painted. No one will see them under my socks and shoes, but I’ll know they’re there. That’s something I can hang onto that is girly about me even when I dress up like Scott. Well, that and wearing panties and a bra and having boobs.
Hailey wanted to do a fashion show where I got to try on her other outfits, but we didn’t get very far. I only got to try on her Sunday dress and one pair of her jeans. I really liked her dress. I thought I looked like a girl in the skirt, but a dress is even more girly. I liked wearing it at the time, but looking back, I think it's more impressive that I still look like a girl even in her jeans. They’re a tight fit. I really have to squeeze my fat ass to get into them. No way I could sit down in them. Hailey said I looked good in them. I’m not sure about the good part, but I know I looked like a girl. Still, I prefer being able to breathe. Besides, I hate to admit it, but I think I’m a girly girl. Weird, I know. What can I say? I just like the skirts and her dress better. We had to cut the fashion show short because Grandma came home, but it was great while it lasted.
I still don’t know that I’ll go all the way. The operation at the end scares me. Maybe I’ll do the hormones to just look like a girl and stop there. Right now that would be enough for me. The point of the operation is to be able to have sex like a girl, and I am so not there. Boys still feel like the enemy to me. I can’t imagine kissing one, let alone wanting one inside me. Eww. Maybe I’ll be a lesbian. It’s not like I have to decide now anyway. I read on the net that they wouldn’t let me have the operation until I’m at least eighteen. Plus, it is like, really expensive. So I can wait to decide about that. If it becomes important to me later, then I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
The next step is a big one. I have to tell my Dad, maybe by telling Julie first. Hailey thinks that will be easier and maybe she’s right. I need to do it soon. Right now I’m developing like a girl, but how long will that keep on happening? My male hormones could kick in any time. So time is important, but I still don’t know how I’ll do it. Maybe it will get easier with practice? I still have to convince Cathy. I told her, but she really didn’t understand. I’ve got time to work on her. Dad and Julie won’t get back until late Sunday night. That gives me several days.
I asked Hailey for a nightgown but she didn’t have one to loan me. She usually sleeps in PJ bottoms and an oversized t-shirt. She did give me some more panties which I’m also wearing. Then she said I needed to stop mooching clothes off her, but she was laughing when she said it.
I woke up to my alarm and slapped my snooze button. I didn’t want to get up yet. Why had I set my alarm? It was spring break. As I snuggled back under my blankets, I remembered why I had set my alarm. I’d slept in full Taylor mode. I didn’t have on a nightgown or girl pajamas, but the oversized t-shirt I was wearing was basically the same thing that Taylor slept in. OK, I had on sweat bottoms instead of flannels, but with panties on, my toes painted, and my boobies flying free it was close enough for me. I certainly felt wonderfully comfortable, but I needed to get up. I didn’t want Grandma to come in and wake me while dressed like this.
Reluctantly I slid out of bed and hid Taylor away. I pulled my boys' white socks over my painted toes, and my regular blue jeans hid my panties. Sadly, it was rather like wrapping my present back up after I’d peeked at it. Now it had to go back under the tree and I had to wait until I could open it. I didn’t have any sports bras today. I’d given them all to Hailey so she could mix them in with her clothes and get them washed today. So I had to use the athletic wrap to bind up my boobs before hiding them under layers of shirts. Layers might be a problem today. Apparently the weather had decided that spring break meant turn up the heat. It was a little chilly now, but it promised to be another warm day. I studied myself in the mirror before I left my room. I really wondered how I was fooling anyone. Even dressed up like Scott, I could see Taylor shining though. Soon, I promised myself.
It was a good thing I set my alarm because Grandma was already at work in the kitchen cooking breakfast. That meant she would have gotten us up soon. She looked very much in her element, cooking up eggs, bacon, and pancakes. That was more breakfast than I really wanted, but it smelled great. Since I was Taylor now, would I learn to cook like that? Not all girls cook. The few times I’d stayed with Mom, she hadn’t cooked, but Grandma and Julie could both cook.
I hovered at the back of the kitchen studying Grandma trying to compare what she did to the way Dad did things in the kitchen. He didn’t really cook. He just made food, usually something prepackaged like Hamburger Helper. I’d never seen either Grandma or Julie consult a recipe. They just threw ingredients together and, almost like magic, out came delicious food. I took my morning asthma medicine and my stomach wasn’t too happy. Neither were my taste buds, as usual. Ick, ick, ick. These pills are working, but why did they have to taste so gross? With all those wonderful smells I wanted more than a horrid pill and a swallow of water. “Hey Grandma, do you need any help?” I slipped around to steal a slice of crispy bacon.
She waggled a finger at me. “No more mooching food before breakfast. I’ve got it under control, Scotty, but you can go get your brother and Hailey.”
Hailey wasn’t a morning person, and she grouched at me when told to get up for breakfast. Rick wasn’t in his room. When I told Grandma, she said he’d probably gone to the barn to workout. So I ran next door to the barn and found him lifting weights.
Rick had stripped down to just shorts. He was lying down on his back on the weight bench doing full bench presses. “What do you want, pest?” He was lifting way more than I weighed and making it look easy.
“Grandma has breakfast ready. She wants you to come eat.”
“I’ve got another set of reps to go, and then I want a shower. Tell her to set me aside a plate. I’ll nuke it when I’m done.”
I couldn’t get away with telling Grandma that, but Rick could. So I’d just pass it along, but something bothered me. “Should you really be doing that without a spotter?”
Rick laughed. “And since when did you become the exercise guru, wimp? Run along.”
A part of me wanted to shout at him that I wasn’t a wimp, that I was a girl. Still, I certainly wasn’t going to out myself to Rick, or at least not today. He’d have to find out some time, but he was way down the list. “Fine, I’ll tell her.”
Grandma wasn’t at all upset about Rick working out. That annoyed me because it was a double standard. If I had been doing something and told Grandma I’d be late for a meal, I’d have gotten into trouble for it. However, Rick did basically whatever he pleased. I left him to his workout and went to enjoy a hot meal with Grandma and Hailey.
We didn’t have any real plans, so Hailey and I were discussing what to do. That was an awkward discussion to have with Grandma present, as I couldn’t say that what I really wanted to do was dress up as Taylor and have more girl lessons. It also turned out not to be the wisest conversation to have around Grandma. As we didn’t seem to have plans, she apparently felt obligated to make plans for us.
“You two should really get outside. It’s such a beautiful day. You shouldn’t spend all your time indoors watching movies and playing video games.”
Hypocritical much, Grandma? I think she just didn’t want competition for the big TV in the living room, but I knew better than to tell her that.
“That sounds like a great idea, Mrs. Miller,” responded Hailey. “Maybe we could get Cathy and take a nature walk. You’ve got all this land and I’ve never seen all of it. Maybe we could even take a lunch and make a picnic of it.”
“What a wonderful idea, Hailey! I’ll pack you three a picnic lunch right up. We’ve got an old quilt that you can use for a blanket. I don’t think we have a basket though...”
Wait? This was already agreed? “Grandma, you know me and the outdoors don’t get along. What if my allergies start to act up?”
“Then you can come back home, can’t you? Hasn’t that new medicine been working out for you?”
“Well, so far, but…” I sighed sensing defeat. “Oh, alright. I suppose we can use my backpack to carry the food in.”
“Are you going to be coming with us, Mrs. Miller?” asked Hailey.
“Heavens no, I think you three can manage alone. You have your cell telephone don’t you?”
Hailey nodded. “Of course, ma’am. I’m going to call Cathy and see if she’s up yet.
“You do that dear. Scotty, you go clean out that backpack of yours, and I’ll get that picnic lunch made up for you three.” Grandma was off and running, making sandwiches, putting sweet tea into a thermos and packing all the trimmings for a picnic.
It wasn’t until I was shoved out the door with a backpack full of food on my back and a folded up quilt over my arm that I finally got to ask Hailey why she had volunteered us for the nature walk. “OK, care to explain to me the sudden urge to go outdoors?”
“Two reasons. One, your grandmother was right the sun is out. It is warm and not raining. I’ve been cooped up indoors too long. It’s a nice day. I’d like to spend part of it outside." She flashed me a sympathetic smile. "I know all about your allergies. If they get bad, I promise we’ll come right back. Reason number two – me, you and Cathy without adult supervision. Hello? Haven’t you been looking for a chance to talk to her? Well, here it is. You and Cathy can talk it all out.”
“Oh.” I still wasn’t happy about it. I think part of the reason my allergies were better was because I’d been staying indoors, but Hailey was right. I did need to talk to Cathy.
Cathy was glad to see us, but naturally she wasn’t too excited to be walking across empty fields. If you’ve seen one empty field, you’ve pretty much seen them all. I guess it was pretty enough, green grass and scattered wildflowers underneath a blue sky and fluffy white clouds. I’d seen it all before, but Hailey had never seen anything besides our house so I gave her the tour.
Our land was part of an old homestead of the Miller family. It had been a hundred and fifty acres back in my great-grandfather’s time, but he’d split it among his ten children. The plots weren’t all the same size. Our twelve acres could be broken down into twelve almost square acres, approximately two squares wide and six squares deep or as we more usually split it: the front four, the middle four and the back four. The front four had our home, Grandma’s house and the barn. Between our two houses was our ‘orchard’. It wasn’t much of an orchard, just some fruit trees that Grandpa had planted not long before he died. The fruit trees were still pretty scraggly and seemed to produce more wasps than fruit.
Behind our houses were the middle four acres. The middle four was mostly pasture for the horses and cows we no longer had. Now it was fallow and just produced hay in the fall. We trudged through the fields following an old cowpath that was getting overgrown. Along the way we startled some birds into flight and one rabbit into bounding away. I led Hailey and Cathy to the only prominent feature of the middle four acres, an old stagnant pond that Grandpa and Grandma always called a tank. It was gross and definitely not for swimming in. Yuck.
After tossing a few dirt clods at the green slime coated water we’d about exhausted the possibilities there, so I led them towards our back four acres. To me, that was the most interesting part of our land. It was all piney woods and around a creek. When I’d been younger, it had been excellent for hide and seeks. Rick used it for paintball sometimes these days. Twelve acres sounded like a lot but it really wasn’t, and it didn’t take long to give Hailey the whole tour.
“This is so cool that you have all this land. Why don’t you farm any of it?” asked Hailey.
“Grandpa used to. At least he used to keep cows and horses and planted a few crops, but it takes a lot of work to run a farm. The days of small farms are pretty much over. Some of the neighbors have vegetable gardens, but it is real hard to make a living at farming these days. A small plot farmer just can’t compete against the big commercial farms.”
Cathy strolled along beside me and was obviously bored. “So what do we do now? It’s hours until lunch.”
I couldn’t blame her for being bored. Despite my initial reluctance I was enjoying being out in the sun. I liked the pine trees on our back four, and the way the creek babbled along was relaxing, but there wasn’t much to do. We were too old to play hide and seek in the woods. I looked over to Hailey and she was looking at me expectantly. I sighed. I knew what she wanted. I was supposed to talk to Cathy, but I wasn’t sure this was a good time. Cathy and I had started holding hands, but she felt distant. We weren’t talking much. “Um, I don’t know?”
Hailey gave an exasperated sigh. “OK, that’s it. Enough. I’m tired of being in the middle between you two. If you two expect this relationship to go anywhere, you can’t keep doing this no talking thing. Scott, you need to talk to Cathy, really talk to her and explain about Taylor. Cathy, you can’t just ignore this and hope it goes away. I think you know exactly what Scott was trying to tell you.”
“I’m not ignoring anything,” protested Cathy. "Things are just on hold for a bit. Scott needs to see a doctor, but I understand why he didn’t want to spoil your parent’s vacation. His dad has expectations. It’s not going to be easy for Scott to admit he’s growing breasts.”
Cathy was neither dumb nor blonde, but she was doing her best to pretend to be both. I’d seen her act this way before when I’d tutored her in math. It had been frustrating then, and it was even more frustrating now. “Would you just stop doing that? It’s more than the boobs. I’ve said that before.”
“Maybe I’m just stupid then. ‘Cause I don’t get it. You’re a boy. Even with your hormones screwed up; you’re still a boy. You can wish and pray all you want, but that won’t make you a girl.”
“That’s the problem. I’m not a boy, not where it counts: not in my head or in my soul. I’m not talking about hoping and praying. I’m talking about getting HRT, hormone replacement therapy. That will make sure that my testosterone stays low and I don’t Hulk out. If I can get the right hormones, my breasts will continue to grow and I’ll become a girl.”
“I know about the breasts. I’m tired of hearing about your breasts. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re a boy, B-O-Y, boy.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or yell at her. “Maybe you’re the one who needs to have your eyes checked. I have looked in the mirror. You know what I see? A girl. Have you really looked at me lately? It’s more than the boobs. I don’t know if it’s my messed up hormones or what, but put me in a skirt and I make a pretty good girl, if I do say so myself.”
“OMG, you’re dressing in girl clothes now?! Do you know what that makes you?” She paused suddenly and shot a hateful glance at Hailey. Her tone went from shocked to demanding. “Scott, where did you get girl’s clothes?”
“From me,” said Hailey. “He asked for my help and I gave it to him. He’s right. Put him in a skirt or tight jeans, give him a top that fits him and not those circus tents he wears, and it’s obvious that Scott is a girl. In fact, she prefers to be called Taylor.”
“Taylor?! Hailey, what have you done? I thought you were my friend. You’ve turned my boyfriend into a sissy!”
I don’t think Cathy could have hurt me more if she’d stabbed me. What happened to friends forever? “Cathy, I…” I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t face her either. The woods of the back four acres were there and I started running for them.
“I’m sorry!” yelled Cathy.
“Taylor, wait!” called Hailey. “Don’t run off...”
I heard someone chasing me, and I turned back to look. “I need. To be. Alone now.” I couldn’t seem to breathe and I was crying. “I’ll be in China.”
Hailey stopped, but she had a pained look on her face. “What the hell does that mean?”
I waved at Cathy who was just standing there. “Ask Cathy. If she decides she wants to talk to me, she’ll know where to find me. Just, just, let me be, okay?”
I headed off into the pine trees. Hailey would be fine. Cathy... well, why should I care? Sissy, that’s what she thought of me. My tears flowed freely as I wove my way through the pines heading for Little China.
To Be Continued...
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