Sydney Moya

(c) 2013

This work is the property of the author, and the author retains full copyright, in relation to printed material, whether on paper or electronically. Permission is granted for it to be copied and read by individuals, and for no other purpose. Any commercial use by anyone other than the author is strictly prohibited, and may only be posted to free sites with the express permission of the author.

Chapter One

Alex stared at his reflection in the mirror, everything looked fine. The binder did its job well, covering his bust well enough that no one would notice he had a B-cup. He hated using it but it was a necessary evil he had to live with if he wanted to appear normal.

Still that was probably the last day he’d wear it, today was the big day. He would tell his family about the transition he intended to undertake and remove the last real hurdle to being the person he’d always felt he was.

The drive to his Mom’s place was about an hour long and he spaced out, listening to the mindless drivel blaring out of the radio tended to do that to him a lot and it helped ameliorate the anxiety he felt about what he was about to do. It had been a long time coming this day and now it was here. Alex had meticulously planned her transition and when she would go full time and this was the last weekend she would present as a boy before going full time.

Ever since she’d been old enough to know the difference, Alex Sanders had known she wasn’t really a boy. Sure her genitals said otherwise but in her heart she was, had and would always be a girl. Growing up knowing you’re in the wrong body isn’t easy and she’d never been strong enough to tell someone how she felt.

Society expects conformity from an early age and Alex had felt constrained to act like a boy if she didn’t want to be labelled a misfit. Every day she lived as a boy it was like a small piece of her soul withered away. She had done all the stuff boys are expected to do but never wholeheartedly just enough not to be questioned while rigidly doing her best to keep her overwhelming femininity from bleeding through the facade she kept up.

As you can expect this brought on a depression in her teens and if it hadn’t been for her father’s death in her adolescence maybe her problem would have been spotted sooner but instead everyone attributed it to being caused by the loss of a parent at a formative age. Since Marshall and Melinda her siblings also exhibited the same feelings of grief and despair it only made sense to the therapist.

By the time Alex enrolled in college for an accounting degree, she was pegged down as a quiet hardworking young man who minded his own business and was always busy studying never having time for the partying that made up most students’ academic life. The girls didn’t lose sleep over him seeing as he showed no interest in going out or joining the rest of the human race. Inevitably some wondered about his orientation but as he was such a nice person who hardly bothered anyone, the rumours never got going.

Meanwhile the pain of living a lie ebbed and flowed, Alex graduated with excellent grades in her degree. Getting a job was a cinch, doing well at an Ivy League school tended to guarantee employment opportunities. She’d got a job at the head office of a large telecommunications firm with excellent prospects. Her mother, Lily was very proud of her more so considering she’d raised her without a father.

Life should have been wonderful; Alex was young, healthy and secure. She was what every parent wished for their kids and yet on the inside Alex was miserable. Her heart cried out every time she saw women, teenage girl’s, pregnant moms. She hated being called ‘mister’ or the sight of her naked body and the sound of her voice. Sometimes she wished she could die and one night weeks after her 25th birthday she’d gone to the edge, contemplating her existence while holding a bottle of sleeping pills. In the end she hadn’t taken an overdose because she realised she hadn’t tried to solve her dilemma, at the very least she should try that and be herself before wasting her life.

That had been two years ago. Since then Alex had done a lot of things to get her freedom, getting herself on hormones which had had a huge effect on her mental state by calming her as well as propelling her body thorough a second puberty. Her breasts had developed and her body had taken more feminine contours. She’d also gone about removing her facial, arm and chest hair via laser treatment as well working on her voice and getting a wardrobe suitable for a woman her age. She dressed at home and thanks to Lindsay, her best and only friend went out on weekend’s en femme.

Part of her wished Lindsay, a girl she’d met on her first week on the job and struck up a fast friendship with could have come with her to meet her family. She’d had the most interesting reaction when Alex had confided in her six months before.

“I knew it!” she’d said, “It makes so much sense now,”

“What do you mean?” Alex responded.

“I mean you’re not like the other guys, you don’t look at women the way they do for one and you’re just so..,”

“Weird,” offered Alex sadly.

“NO!” said Lindsay immediately, “You’re not weird, it’s like you don’t send off the same vibe they do. It explains why you’re so controlled. Remember that night at Rainey’s when you got pissed, it’s like another side of came out you were so feminine when you got drunk I suspected you might be gay but this makes so much more sense. Why on earth didn’t you say something? I thought I was your friend,” she added.

“You are but I’ve kept this a secret my whole life and besides my therapist you’re the only one who knows coz I’ve never been able to talk about it,” Alex had replied.

Lindsay had immediately embraced her, “You poor thing, you did the right thing. How far are you going to take this?”

“All the way Linds, I, I, need to be a girl,” sobbed Alex.

Both girls had shared a good cry and Alex had had shared her story and her plans and hopes for the future. Naturally Lindsay had insisted on seeing her en femme. She’d promised to help her and together with her therapist they’d mapped out a plan to facilitate her transition at work, Alex had already told the relevant authorities about her plans and her company being very progressive had no qualms and its health plan would actually pay for any surgery she might require. All that was left was to inform her immediate family. Unfortunately Lindsay had to attend a family function that weekend which meant she’d have to tell her mom, brother and sister alone.

They were having a barbecue or to put it more accurately Marshall was barbecuing the meat while Melinda was sorting out the salad in the kitchen with their mother. As a teen Alex had secretly resented this division of labour because it was gender based and she was on the wrong side of the fence. It had hurt a lot when her mom had taken Melinda under her wing when she reached adolescence in a way she hadn’t with Alex. It was like they were in some sisterhood Alex would never be a part off even though her mother had taught them all to cook and clean, though she knew her mother loved her too it was like they shared a special relationship she would never share in.

Part of her still resented it but those feelings were brushed aside by the warm welcome her sister gave. Melinda 22 had rushed over and gave her a warm, effusive hug, the same one she did each time she saw him.

Marshall 26 greeted her with a playful punch on the chest and it was all Alex could do not to wince as her boobs felt the force of the blow. Lily also kissed her child and hugged her; pleased her offspring were all back home even if it was just for the weekend. The only thing that could make things better was the arrival of a few grandchildren and she hoped her babies would settle down soon.

A nervous Alex ate sparingly while her family chattered about their lives. She wondered how she would bring up the subject. She sighed wondering for the gazillionth time why she was the way she was.

She hadn’t announced that she had news to share, worrying that might taint the meal’s atmosphere. The rest of them hardly noticed her silence though Lily eyed her worriedly once or twice during lunch. The meal finally came to its end,

“I’ll get the dishes,” Alex offered feeling she at least had to do something as she hadn’t been part of the cooking process. Being the eldest also meant it was wired in her to make sure everything was cleaned up after meals; it had been something she’d learnt to save their Mom working any more than she had to.

Besides it would give her an opportunity to gather her thoughts and decide how to proceed.

Lily sat on her deck talking to her daughter Melinda while Marshall watched something on ESPN just like his father had been fond of doing when he was alive, she sighed. She missed him so much all the time but having the kids over went someway to dulling the pain.

She was still contemplating her sweetheart when her oldest child arrived at the table.

“Hi Mom, can we talk?” said Alex with a troubled expression on her face.

“Of course honey, what’s the matter?” she asked.

Alex put his face in his hands for a moment and then took a deep breath before beginning her story.

“I’ve been seeing a therapist for a while now,” she began.

“Why?” asked Lily, immediately concerned.

“Depression,” said Alex simply.

Lily was stunned, not once had she sensed something was amiss in Alex’s life but then again she wasn’t as outgoing as her siblings and had always kept to herself which would have made seeing her depression harder. Still it was a shock to hear but there was more to come.

“I nearly killed myself two years ago,” went on Alex softly.

Melinda dropped the glass she was holding and the sound of shattering glass mixed with the commentary from the sports show was the only sound in the vicinity for what seemed like an eternity.

“Why Alex?” asked Lily once more, fighting back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her.

Hearing your child tell you they almost committed suicide isn’t the easiest thing because all people inherently assume they will die before their offspring so it’s a shock when a child says they felt like going before you. Because you are happy you hope you passed that to your children and it is unsettling to say the least when you discover otherwise.

Melinda meanwhile was already crying, the tears flowing down her cheeks. She loved her brother deeply and looked up to him for inspiration. Discovering that he was so miserable that suicide seemed viable was terrible.

“I hate my life mom, I hate being ...,” began Alex but she stopped in mid-sentence unable to tell them her secret but Lily had heard and wanted him to finish so she could help. Like any mother she wanted to fix any problem her baby was having so she insisted Alex complete his sentence.

“You hate being what Alex?” she enquired.

This was the moment Alex had feared all her life, what would happen after she told them. Would they still love her, would they still want to be around her or would her loved ones reject her?

She remained silent unable to cross the Rubicon knowing that one way or the other that if she told them things would never be the same again with her family. Whatever image they had of him was going to change irrevocably from dutiful son to something else and it was that she feared, she might lose the safety and security the facade she kept up gave her and that was scary since she had no idea what might replace that image.

She was still lost in thought and had closed her eyes without even realising it when she felt someone squeeze her hand. Looking up she saw it was Melinda her little sister. She’d moved across to sit beside her.

Somehow that gesture gave her the strength to tell her mother.

“I hate being a boy, I’ve hated it all my life and I’m going to get a sex change,” Alex declared.

At that Lily started crying audibly while Melinda’s grip softened considerably though she didn’t release it.

Alex slowly drifted back to the land of the living, feeling groggy from the anaesthetics and the painkillers that had been pumped into her body.

A wave of nausea passed through her and she promptly threw up into the dish that suddenly appeared in front of her.

“Alex, are you okay?” asked a voice, it was Lindsay.

Alex answered by throwing up again.

She’d just come to after undergoing facial feminisation surgery as well as breast augmentation surgery.

“How do you feel?” she heard Lindsay ask.

Like crap thought Alex unable to speak. She also had a trachea shave which rendered mute for a while. She slowly turned her head to signal her discomfort to Lindsay.

Lindsay smiled and squeezed her hand. As she did so Alex experienced yet another uncomfortable feeling- pain. It wasn’t excruciating but there was a dull ache in her jaw and when she shifted slightly she felt a dragging sort of discomfort from her chest.

‘Ow,’ she thought unable able to enunciate her words with her face all bandaged and the pain in her lower jaw and forehead and throat assaulting her nervous system all at once.

It had been a week since she’d told her family the big news, it hadn’t gone down too well which is why she had Lindsay for company at her surgery. Her Mom was just overwhelmed by it; Mel didn’t know what to make of the whole situation. Marshall had probably taken it the worst; he’d just stood there staring at her. Alex felt like she’d shrunk to nothing in his eyes, so palpable was his disdain and disappointment. What he did next was probably worse. He’d turned around and returned into the house without a word and didn’t see Alex for the rest of her short visit.

She recalled the conversation she’d had with her mother and Melinda.

“Sweetie,” her mother had begun, searching for the right words, “Is it possible this is temporary or that the doctor made a mistake?” she asked.

“Maybe but I doubt it. Another doctor confirmed it,” said Alex.

“Oh,” she replied looking uncomfortable.

“Have you thought about what this might do to your life? Your job, relationships, how are people going to treat you Alex?” she finally asked her child.

“Yes I have and I hope they can accept me for who I am. My firm is supportive; I’m not going to lose my job or anything,” Alex had told her.

“Honey,” began Lily before pausing to make sure she found the right words, “I want the best for you, we all do and I know you think this is what you want but you could be making a huge mistake.”

Alex would have sighed on her hospital bed just as she had when her mother had said those words but the recent surgery rendered it impossible so she had to be content with a mental sigh.

“I understand Mum but please try and understand me too. Since I was five or six I’ve felt an abiding wrongness like something wasn’t what it was meant to be. I realised that I felt I was a girl when I was ten or so. I wanted to talk to someone but no one seemed to have the same problem and I was scared of how people would react so I hid it and did my best to be a guy but it only got worse, puberty was a nightmare and it only cemented my hatred of being male so I retreated into a shell because I knew no other way of handling it. When Dad died I had wanted to tell you but I didn’t want to burden you anymore so I carried on. I was miserable though wondering why my life was such a mess, I cried myself to sleep a lot, later I couldn’t even cry because the hormones my body was making made it impossible. I decided to make do with what I had but it never felt right. Still I could forget myself when studying and that kept me going till I got my degree. A few weeks after I turned 25 I just couldn’t hold it in anymore, I realised I’d lived a quarter of a century lying to myself and the rest of the world and I couldn’t go on anymore. I was so close to overdosing and I only stopped when I realised I had never tried to solve my problem. I couldn’t die without at least trying to do something about it so I started seeing a therapist. I was diagnosed with severe gender dysphoria meaning though physically male I have a mostly female psyche, the two are incompatible. She and my doctor have put me on oestrogen and anti-androgens, I’ve been getting laser hair removal and next weekend I’m due for facial and breast surgery.”

At that point Lily was crying softly while Marshall who’d been summoned by the sound of breaking glass looked at her like she’d grown an extra head before turning and walking back into the house. Melinda had let go of her hand. Unable to take their reaction Alex had promptly stood up and gone home before anything else was said.

A couple of months had passed since that event and Alex had come out to her folks while it had been seven weeks since her double surgeries. Part of her really thought the former had been more painful than the latter which had been so excruciating she’d wished to die at one point. She’d been badly bruised for days afterwards and for a while she’d doubted her own sanity, after all what sane person would willingly undergo such torture? The aftercare had been phenomenal though and having Lindsay who’d taken leave to accompany her was amazing, she was a true friend.

Of course time heals all wounds they said and it was proving true and she was coming into her own and to say she was pleased with the results was an understatement. She was thrilled at how she looked now. She definitely looked like the girl she felt she was, the surgeon had removed the bony forehead protrusion that developed in males as they aged, her Adam’s apple wasn’t visible anymore, her nose looked just right and she’d lost the heavy jaw while her cheekbones were a tad more prominent giving a her a more oval face. Hair extensions solved the problem of short hair, she went for jet black locks that reached her shoulder-blades and framed her new face really nicely. The people at work had been stunned when she turned up unable to believe this was the same Alex they’d worked with four weeks before.

They stared and stared trying and failing not to. Some of the girls wanted to know whose hands had done such wonders knowing it might prove handy someday. Her bust was fantastic, she’d gone up to 38C which she’d been told matched her 5ft 9 frame. The best thing was she didn’t have to hide until weekends anymore; it was such relief to be out in the open the only thing that could make it better was to lose the penis she loathed so much but that would only be possible after a year or so.

The only thing that tempered her joy was the fact she hadn’t heard from or seen any of her relatives since she’d come out. She could have called but she didn’t want to press them too much, though she’d never stayed so long without hearing from them. In all honesty she was beginning to fear that her family didn’t want to deal with her being a girl and that maybe they didn’t want to see her again.

It was a relief when Melinda showed up the following weekend. Alex had been spending a quiet day at home sorting out her paperwork and other stuff, a judge had granted her name change from Alexander Francis Sanders to Alexandra Francisca Sanders when her doorbell rang. In the past she would have been panicking about who it was as she’d be all dressed up and only Lindsay knew about it. Now the panic passed and she stayed as she was to answer her door.

Imagine her surprise when she opened the door and saw her little sister standing there.

Her surprise was mirrored tenfold on her sister’s face and her mouth fell open.

“Alex,” she breathed tentatively.

“Hi Mel,” said Alex softly, her voice had altered drastically thanks to the surgery and the voice training she’d undergone and was still doing, “come in,” she added before making way for her sibling.

It was like Melinda hadn’t heard her, she continued staring at Alex taking in everything from the glossy hair, the gorgeous face, the well-endowed cleavage to the luscious legs and the clothes that went with them, the figure hugging top and skirt and low heels, everything screamed woman. The one thing that hadn’t changed were the intelligent steel grey eyes that their mother had bequeathed to Alex only, she’d know those anywhere.

“Oh my goodness,” said Melinda in shock.

Intellectually she’d come prepared that her sibling would have changed and that maybe Alex would be different, not like this, not this good though.

Alex gave a small nervous smile before ushering her sibling in.

“What have you done?” Melinda asked mouth agape.

“Mel I can’t be a man anymore. It’s just not me and this me taking steps to be the person I’ve always felt I was in here,” replied Alex emotionally, gesturing to her heart.

Melinda sat down struggling to make head or tail of all this, her brother was someone she’d looked up to her whole life. Now he was turning his life upside down and she couldn’t understand what was happening.

Alex sat down beside her, “Look Mel, I’m not trying to hurt you or Mum or Marshall. I’m just trying to give myself a chance; I’ve felt like a girl for as long as I can remember. I hid it and repressed it but it only made it worse to the point of me feeling like my life wasn’t worth the pain I was in. Imagine you woke up a man tomorrow without a trace of you ever being a girl and everyone expected you to be man, that’s how I’ve felt my entire life,” she explained.

“That’s different, you were never a girl in the first place,” said Melinda.

“On the outside I wasn’t but being a girl isn’t skin deep sis, in my heart I’ve always been a girl which I why I feel odd as a man,” she gently told her sister, to “I need you to try and understand that even if you don’t like what I’m doing,”

Melinda looked her in the eye.

“You’re right, I don’t get it but I love you and you’ve always been there for me so I’ll do my best to, to do the same,” she told her sibling.

“Thank you,” said Alex, her eyes bright.

They stared at one another before Melinda gave Alex a tentative hug.

“That’s weird,” she said when she let go.

“What’s weird?” asked Alex self-consciously

“Hugging you and feeling your boobs mash mine,” she was told.

Alex turned pink, slightly embarrassed and making Melinda smile at her discomfort.

Neither of them got round to discussing the purpose of Melinda’s visit which was to check that Alex was ok. As she was clearly alive but depending on who defined okay the answer was debatable. So the elephant in the room was ignored though Melinda was dying to find out what Alex had done while Alex was itching to gush to her sister about her new look, her wardrobe and life as a woman.

Instead Alex played hostess and made her sister lunch, asked after Mum and Marshall and listened to her sister talk about her fruitless search for employment. She had graduated with a degree in Business but was still looking for paid employment. At the moment she was occupied volunteering for a charity that helped homeless people. Besides being useful to society she was earning some sort of experience.

As she talked Mel realised Alex might have changed on the outside but inside nothing had changed, Alex was still the same dependable human being she’d grown up idolising and if he, sorry she said she felt happier who was she to begrudge someone their happiness.

They spent the rest of the weekend in relative amity though by tacit agreement nobody brought up anything to do with Alex’s transition so as to keep the peace. They were both glad they still had a relationship and didn’t want anything to damage that.

When Melinda went home to their mother Alex was rather pleased that they were still friends and that her sister wasn’t going to abandon her. Melinda on her part was beginning to be convinced that Alex wasn’t nuts and that maybe just maybe she needed to transition. One thing she knew for sure was she didn’t want to spend another month without talking to or seeing her, she had a feeling her sibling needed her even though she seemed so self-sufficient.

Lily of course was all over Melinda when she returned home.

“Did he do it?” was the first question she asked her child on her return home.

Melinda nodded.

“Yeah Mum he did it, looks astonishing,” she said.

“Really, how bad is it?” Lily queried.

“It’s not bad at all Mum Alex looks gorgeous,” said Melinda.

Lily looked at her daughter questioningly.

“I don’t think Alex will go back on this,” added Melinda.

“Do have any photographs?” Lily asked after a bit of silence.

“No, I think you should see her yourself,” Melinda suggested.

Lily paused again, deep in thought. She didn’t know what to do about what her oldest child was doing, it seemed so drastic and she worried more for Alex’s sake than her own. A sex-change would leave him at the mercy of bigots hurting her at every turn.

Hadn’t she read somewhere that people had been beaten even killed for being caught in women’s clothes when they weren’t women?

What about love and children, wouldn’t this doom Alex to a life of loneliness?

She screwed her eyes shut fighting back tears, her child wanted this but at what cost?

She remembered what Alex had told her about being suicidal, she definitely didn’t want to lose her child and when she’d brought him into this world she’d sworn to herself to protect him and avoiding him wasn’t any protection. She decided to call her later that night.

Alex was already in bed that night when her mother called. She usually went to bed feeling quite dysphoric, this misery caused by the physical reminder of her birth gender which she was most aware of at this time.

Somehow she knew that she’d never be complete so long as she had that thing on her body.

Seeing Lily’s number on the caller ID naturally made her more apprehensive as she wondered what her mother wanted to say to her.

“Hello,” she began a part of her praying it was Mel.

“Hello, um could I please speak to Alex Sanders,” she heard her mother request.

“Mum it’s me, Alex,” she told her, suppressing a giggle.

“Oh, hi sweetheart, you sound different,” remarked Lily.

“Great, that’ll make things easier,” said Alex cheerily.

“Your sister tells me you look different too,” said Lily diplomatically.

“I look like how I’ve always felt I should look,” said Alex quietly.

“How was it, the surgery?” Lily asked.

“Horrible but it was worth it,” Alex responded.

“What did you have done?” asked Lily, driven by a mother’s natural curiosity about her child and concern for Alex.

“I had my Adam’s apple shaved, jaw softened, my nose reduced a bit, my forehead smoothed out and breasts increased to a C cup,” said Alex softly, somewhat scared of her mother’s reaction.

She wasn’t sure where she stood with her after all this.

“Goodness, are you okay?” Lily said, clearly worried.

“I’m okay Mum, I had an excellent surgeon and the aftercare was fantastic. I also had a friend with me so it wasn’t too bad,” she told her mother.

“Sweetheart I’m sorry I haven’t been there lately. I just don’t know how to deal with this, I feel like I’m losing you,” said Lily, her voice cracking with emotion.

“Mum, I’m still me. I won’t love you any less or run off or anything. I’ll just be a happier me who happens to be a girl that’s all,” stated Alex, fighting back tears too.

“Alex I’m trying to understand how you feel about this but please try and understand me too, you are my first child. Your father and I were so proud of you when you were born, our own little boy, now I feel like I’m going to lose my little boy, it’s like losing Steve all over again,” said a tearful Lily.

Alex was in tears too, she felt guilty that she was putting her beloved mother through all this and would have done anything within her power to make her feel better. But that was the problem, she was powerless against the overwhelming feelings within her, she just HAD to be a girl. It was either that or Lily really would lose her first child permanently.

“Mum I know it feels like that but I just need to be a woman. If I can’t be me then I cannot live the way I was, every day I lived as a man I was miserable, a part of me was dying and it got to a point where I just wanted to end everything,” she said in a tearful voice.

Mother and child were soon both sobbing softly over the phone and somehow it drew them closer to one another. The upshot of this was Lily telling Alex to come home for the weekend so they could talk some more and for Lily to get a good look at her ‘new daughter.’

Alex despite having misgivings couldn’t turn her mother down because she knew they needed to work this out. She wanted her mother to understand what she was doing and embrace her change, difficult though it might be and the only way to do this was to spend time with her.

The following week went by in a whirlwind of activity for Alex at her workplace. She’d been assigned to a new potentially big project and she took this as a sign of confidence in her by management. Socially she made her debut as a woman at a retirement party for one of her colleagues. It was a lot of fun and her attempt to be the wallflower didn’t work out as a troop of her colleagues asked to dance with her which was great for her self-esteem. Her colleagues were amazing in that they never ostracised or made fun of her or mocked her transition. She attributed this to sensitivity training and to being lucky enough to work for a company with a no nonsense anti-discrimination charter.

In all honesty she had never expected things to go as smoothly. It was in this way that she garnered Real Life Experience for the surgery and more important than that for the rest of her life as a woman.

In all honesty her biggest worry was the family gathering coming that weekend.

to be continued