Even Ugly girls Need Love - an anti-Valentines story

I’m sorry. I dont get naked around people. I dont even like to get naked when I’m alone, honestly.

Why? Because as long as I’m wearing clothes, I can almost pretend I’m a regular girl.

When I’m nude, I cant hide from my flaws, especially the one between my legs that never lets me forget I’m not ... regular.

It used to be worse - before I started taking hormones, I could hardly stand to look at myself even dressed, but with my breasts coming in a little, now if I wear the right kind of clothes I guess there are worse looking women out there.

But naked, all I see is the ugly bits, so I just dont go there.

I know I shouldnt complain - I’ve seen some people who have it a lot rougher than me in the looks department - burn victims, people with horrible diseases, people with terrible birth defects.

Me, I just look like the guy I used to pretend I was.

When you’re trans, holidays can really suck, you know? Christmas becomes a reminder of the fact your family thinks you’re going to hell, or Easter reminds you of all the pretty spring dresses you’d look like a clown in. But one of the worst one is Valentines, at least for me.

There wont be any chocolates, or roses waiting for me when I get home, no cute card from anyone saying they were thinking of me.

Just another day alone, and that’s every bit as much fun as it sounds, trans or not.

It started with me getting into my work clothes, and pulling my hair back into a ponytail.

I dont exactly get to look glamorous at my job.

There actually a couple of cute guys, and even a couple of cute girls at my work that if I had met them socially and they wanted to, I’d try and get a date with.

But being stuck between genders makes even the idea of dating hard. Gay guys want guys, gay girls want girls, straight guys want girls, and straight women want guys. Doesnt leave a lot of room for someone who’s a bit of both.

So I just watch, and listen as they talk about their spouses or significant others, and dream of someone wanting to be with me, even though I know darn well how unlikely that is.

Once my day at work ends, I trudge home, put up my sore feet, and rest for a while before thinking about eating.

I should be trying to lose weight so I can have the surgery, but most of the time, I end up eating fast and bad for me, just to fill the empty space inside. I’ve done that a lot, leaving me with a pretty big gut, especially for a girl.

Once I eat, I head for bed, and I try and lose myself in dreams where I’m a full girl, and loved.

Because dreams are all I have.

I feel like I live in a world of beautiful people, and I’m the one on the outside, looking in.

I guess someone has to be ugly just to be a contrast.

But even an ugly girl needs love, sometimes.

The next day, I get up, and get ready to face the routine, but something feels different. I took a hard look at the person I was, and decided I need to change it.

No more would I be sitting on my duff feeling sorry for myself. If I wanted love, I had to go out and do stuff, and be the sort of person people want to be around, instead of sighing and saying woe is me.

So I put a little makeup on, and start looking for activities I can get into that will take me out of my house and put me around people where maybe, just maybe someone who has some of the same interests as me will want to be friends.

And maybe, just maybe there will be someone who wants to be more.

After all, I started this transition, something I thought of as every bit as impossible as finding love is, and yet here I am, on my way.

Here goes everything ....