I Ain't Gay! Chapter 1
Copyright 2013 by Heather Rose Brown

What do you do when people keep insisting you're gay? Read on and find out!
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I'd been staring at the deep shadows of the Jersey Pine Barrens as they whizzed past my window for nearly half an hour before Uncle Barry paused the CD player and said, "So, you want to tell me what happened?"

I whipped my head around and shouted, "Goddammit!"

"Whoa," he said as he held up a hand. "Sorry I asked."

I clenched my teeth I until my jaws ached. "My parentsh are inshane!"

My uncle blinked a couple of times as he scanned the long, dark road ahead of us, then frowned and said, "Your what are what?"

"Parents!" I answered as I punched the padded armrest between us. "Insane!" I added as I slammed my fist down again.

"Hey, take it easy!"

After letting loose like that, a bit of shame started leaking in when I realized who I'd just dumped on. I stared down at my bare feet and said, "Sorry about that."

I felt him stroke the back of my head as he said, "It's okay, Kitten."

I nearly bawled right there. Kitten was the name he used to call me when I was little. Once I managed to swallow the lump in my throat, I looked up at him and said, "I've missed you."

Uncle Barry glanced at me, giving me a smile that could turn the nastiest storm clouds into a bucket full of rainbows. "I've missed you too, Tanner. I promise, for as long as you're staying with me, there won't be any pressure to say or do anything you don't want to."

"Thanks," I said. "That's something I kinda need right now."

"On the other hand," he said, sounding a little wary, "if there *is* something you want to say or do, just let me know."

Considering how late it had been when I called him, and how he’d agreed to pick me up without complaining or asking awkward questions, I decided I owed him something. After taking a few slow breaths to steady my nerves, I gave him all the gory details.

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I was curled up on the couch between my parents, watching the closing credits scroll, when Dad said, "So, you really liked that movie?"

"Yeah, it was pretty good."

Mom patted my knee and said, "I'm glad to hear that. Ready for another one?"

I'd actually been planning on heading off to bed, but it'd been ages since I was able to be in the same room with them without one of us yelling at the other, so I said, "Yeah, sure."

Mom patted my leg again, then leaned forward a little and gave Dad one of those weird looks parents sometimes give each other before saying, "Can you start the new one up, dear?"

Dad gave us both a smile that looked too intense to be real and said, "Sure," before clicking the remote.

The movie seemed to be mostly about some guy who was trying to hide something. There were parts that were probably supposed to be funny, but I couldn't figure out why. I was having trouble making sense of the plot too, mostly because I kept dozing off every few minutes.

Around the fourth or fifth time I woke up, I said, "I better head off to bed," and started getting up.

My father had a growl in his voice when he said,"You will *not* walk out on this movie," as he grabbed my arm and pulled me back down to the couch.

I frowned at him when I landed and said, "What are you talking about?"

Mom took hold of my other arm and said, "It's disrespectful to walk out on a movie just because it's about homosexual people."

I turned to her and shook my head in confusion. "I don't get it. How's going to bed disrespectful to ..." I looked from one parent to the other as realization slowly found its way into my sleep deprived brain.

"Dammit!" I shouted as I yanked my arms away and shot to my feet. "Is this about the gay thing again?"

"You will *not* use that kind of language in this house," Dad said as he slowly stood up beside me. "And ... yes, this is about you being homosexual."

I closed my eyes, counted to five, then screeched at the top of my voice, "I ... am ... not ... gay!"

"Sweetheart," Mom said as she stood up on my other side, "all the signs are there. Just saying you're not a homosexual doesn't make it so."

I tried calming myself down again, and managed to use a more normal voice as I said, "Signs? What signs?"

"Well," Dad said, "there's the way you walk, talk, and act."

"Okay, I'll bite," I said with what, if I was completely honest, could have been taken as a snarl. "What's wrong with the way I walk, talk, and act?"

My dad took half a step back and said, "There's nothing wrong, in and of itself, but you do tend to come off very ... effeminate."

Before I could think of a good comeback, Mom said, "You also wear girl clothes."

"I do not!"

Mom just looked at me.

I looked down at myself, then looked back up. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

She had just a hint of a smile as she said, "Nothing at all. It's a very nice nightshirt."

"It's not a nightshirt. It's just a shirt ..." I tugged at the hem and added, "a long shirt ... that I wear at night."

Dad patted my shoulder and said, "We're not saying you're doing anything wrong. We just want you to be honest with yourself about your homosexuality."

"Gaaah! I give up! If you both really want me to be gay, I'll just go stay with Uncle Barry and learn all about it from him."

"Hrmmm," Dad said. "That might not be a bad idea."

"I know he's missed you," Mom added.

"You can't talk me out of it!" I said. "I'll stay with him for the whole weekend, or maybe even the rest of the summer and ... and ... just start gaying it up!"

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There was a moment of silence, broken only by a couple of cars passing us on the nearly deserted road.

"I didn't mean it the way it sounds. When I said I was gonna--"

Uncle Barry spluttered and started laughing until tears streamed down his cheeks.

"What's so funny?"

"Gay it up," he wheezed.

Even though, I didn't quite get the joke, his infectious laughter started me giggling.

When we both were able to breathe normally again, Uncle Barry patted my shoulder and said, "I can't make any promises about gaying it up, but I think we're going to get along just fine."