Starting College my way. A story of fiction by Symphony Simms.
Starting College my way. Chapter 16.
Saturday September 13th. Private conversations with Mom, Dad and the gender specialist.
I felt womanly this morning. I could still feel the effects of having that wonderful man inside me last night. I wondered if some time in the future I might consider making my lower body look more like the way I feel. I was beginning to recognize a conflict between what I feel inside and how I look, but I also recognized that any thought of such a thing was a long way down this path I have chosen, so I put it out of my mind best I could.
I got up to go to take a shower. I went over to my closet and chest of draws to get some clean clothes, but everything in there was for the old Leslie, the boy that is. I then went to my suitcase to get some clean clothes. There were not many clean things left. I think today may be a good day to go shopping for the new me.
I showered and dressed and put on some makeup in double quick time so I could go get some of my Mom’s wonderful breakfast. From the few clean clothes I had left I picked out a black A line skirt and a grey nylon spaghetti strap tank top that I must say looks quite nice on me. Fortunately my shoulders and arms have stayed slender.
I went into the kitchen but my Mom’s face changed when she saw me to a look of disappointment. I stopped at the door and looked at her. She could see that her reaction concerned me. She looked away and started putting food on a plate. At that moment my hunger disappeared.
“I am sorry Leslie,” she said. “I just wasn’t expecting you to be wearing girl’s clothes at breakfast. I was still hoping for the old Leslie. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“I know Mom,” I said. “We are all adjusting to my new persona. It is unreasonable of me to expect that you and the other family members will be as enthusiastic as I am for the new me, but someday soon I hope it will happen.”
“It’s hard for us Leslie. Last week you were the beautiful boy you have always been and now you are so different. I want to relate to you the same way as before but I find it so confusing. My mind is wired up to expect my son and I hear your voice but my eyes are having difficulty making the connection between what I see and what I hear.”
“Can’t you just relate to me the same way you do with Fiona?”
“But you are not Fiona. You look a lot like her but I know it’s not Fiona it’s you, my son, wearing a skirt and looking very pretty.”
“Why can’t you just think of me as your other daughter Mom?”
“Surely you don’t believe it’s that simple Leslie. I am going to love and support you with all my heart but you must understand that I have lost something that is very dear to me.”
“But I am still here Mom!”
“Yes you are here, Leslie the girl, but my beautiful boy Leslie that went to college last week isn’t coming back, and that makes me sad and I can’t help it.”
She was beginning to cry now. Yes of course I understood what she was saying. The things I have changed over the last week have affected all of my family. I was going to need a similar conversation with my Dad I am sure. I pulled my mother towards me to hug her. She turned to me and I rested my head on her shoulder.
“OK so who is hugging you now Mom?”
“Don’t try to analyze me Leslie,” she said as she moved away from me. “Please try to understand that you have taken something away from me that I loved dearly. Of course I am going to love you and do all I can for you because you are my child, but you can’t just flip a switch and expect everyone to love the new you just like before. It just doesn’t work like that. I need time to adjust.”
Now it was me that was crying. I ignored my breakfast and went back up to my room in tears. She didn’t follow me. I lay on my bed crying and thinking about what she said.
I realized as I felt sorry for myself that she had still said she loved me and she need time to adjust. She wasn’t negative towards my change and she even said I was pretty. I should not be laying on the bed crying. I should be downstairs with my Mom helping her adjust to the new me and showing her that I still loved her.
I got up, cleaned my face up and went downstairs to see my Mom in the kitchen. She was sitting at the kitchen table staring through the dining room out into the countryside.
“I am sorry Mom,” I said as I kissed her on the cheek and sat down beside her. “This is not all about me. Yes I understand I have taken something away from you but I am sure in time I will make a good replacement. It’s still me and I love you as I have always done.”
“I hope you haven’t thrown away that nice breakfast,” I said looking around for it. “I still eat just the same.”
“You will have to explain that one to me Leslie. How can you eat just the same if there has been no one to cook for you for the last week? I was thinking that because you would be staying in an apartment with other boys you would be eating pizza and Kraft dinner. Please tell me how you got on with the girls in your apartment.”
That moment made me glad I came back down. My Mom had said what she had to say and now she was getting on with things. I really have a classy Mom.
“Well Mom the girls told me that from the first moment that I would be expected to be just another one of the girls. Cooking, cleaning, putting things in the dishwasher and never leaving a single plate, spoon, napkin or food container for anyone to deal with.”
“All of us do our part as soon as it needs doing. Nothing gets left for later, except for my laundry that is. I am going to ask for your help with my Laundry as I have never washed girls’ clothes before.”
“I don’t remember you ever washing boys clothes either Leslie.”
“That was the old me Mom. The new me is an improvement in every way. I am going to ask you with help to do my laundry but I want to do it myself.”
“That’s OK Leslie. But the fact that I own the washing machine trumps your desire to do your own laundry. Just bring it to me in a laundry basket and I will take care of it. You can watch me if you want. Anyway tell me about the girls you are staying with and your first week at college. You haven’t really told me anything yet.”
I took some time and told Mom about the girls I live with. Angie is a freshman like me taking Engineering, Carla is studying Early Childhood Education, MJ is studying Psychology. I also gave her a little insight about the girls’ backgrounds, where they lived, who pays for college etc.
I told her about the house we stay in, the walk to college, the layout of the college and the nice grounds around the buildings. I told her about some of the classes and lecturers including Flat Top McClelland and my first classes.
Mom was very interested and asked lots of questions. She even laughed at some of the funnier bits. She was of course very interested when I told her about Fiona and I playing at the Coffee Hutch and asked if they could come down to see us. I of course said I would like that but I also understood that it was improbable that such a thing would happen.
Mom asked when we were playing again so I told her about tomorrow evenings gig. For a moment I think she was considering coming down for it, but she wouldn’t would she? She and Dad both have work on Monday morning.
We spent a nice hour of so going over all of the things that had happened last week. Well not everything. I didn’t tell her about kissing Lawrence, going to the Rainbow club or spending the night with Rebecca, and I certainly can’t tell her about last night. I can’t tell her everything can I? I don’t think she would understand.
While we were talking Dad called up and wanted to know if I was free for the afternoon till maybe 2:30pm and I said yes. It seems he wants to take me out for lunch then to meet someone afterwards. Mom explained to him that he could only take me somewhere that was appropriate for a young lady to be taken. Dad told her he would only take me to places he had taken her to and that satisfied her.
That prompted for Mom to explain that Dad had planned to arrange a visit with the gender specialist that we had talked to those years ago. It seems my Dad had remained in contact with him and even sold him a house a couple of years ago. Good Real Estate salesmen never lose a contact.
It was nearly 11am now and my cell went off. It was Eliot wanting to know if he could come over for a visit. I told him he could come over for an hour but that was all because I was going out with my Dad. Eliot said he would be here in 5 minutes.
Mom and I greeted Eliot together at the front door. He had driven over in a pickup truck.
“Like my new truck?” he asked after the greetings.
“Really nice,” I said trying to be friendly. I don’t really like pickups but I was not going to tell him.
“Want to come in?” I asked. “We can sit out by the pool and catch up.”
“I will bring you out a couple of cokes on ice,” said my mother.
We walked through the house and out back to the pool deck. Eliot didn’t say anything as we walked through the house but I could feel him looking me up and down, checking me out.
I opened the door to the pool, walked out and sat on one of the comfy chairs, ensuring to control my skirt as I did and allowing it to slide up a little exposing my knee. I saw him look then he realized that I saw him looking.
“Its OK Eliot. I understand what a surprise it is for you to see me this way, but we can still be friends. You don’t mind having a friend who is a girl do you?”
“My family thinks you are my girlfriend now Leslie, remember. I got a barrage of questions when you left. My mom was asking the most questions. I think you have spoken to her a couple of times when you came over during the summer. She thought you said you were a boy but now she has seen you in a dress she is not so sure. My sisters want you to come over. My Dad and was complementing me on my taste and brother was asking me how a scrawny runt like me gets a hottie like you. What am I going to tell them all?”
“You are not a scrawny runt Eliot you are a handsome young man and the best policy is don’t tell them anything. Say we are just friends and leave it at that.”
“But you kissed me. No girl has ever kissed me like that before.”
“It was only a kiss Eliot. It didn’t mean anything.”
“It did to me Leslie.”
“Would you like me to kiss you again Eliot?”
There was a pause in the conversation. Eliot was trying to come up with a reasonable answer.
“Are you really a girl Leslie?” He asked.
“That question is not as straightforward as it could be Eliot. I think of myself as a girl of course and I know that I look like a girl. Do you think of me as a girl Eliot?”
“When I spoke to you at Fox Hollow and you kissed me, yes I thought of you as a girl, but I have known you for years before that and I thought of you as a boy. Now I don’t know what to think.”
“What did you think of me when we were growing up? Was I a convincing boy?”
“Well no I never thought of you as a big, strong, rough tuff boy, but neither was I. I know we used to go swimming and you were careful not to expose yourself, but I did see that you had a thingy and although it was small it still looked like mine. It was still there.”
“My problem Leslie is that after you kissed me last night I started remembering this stuff about you being small and shy and not being like the other kids, I started to understand that you have been feminine or effeminate for as long as I have known you. It seems to make sense. How different are you?”
“OK Eliot I am going to tell you but you must keep this between us. You can’t go telling any of our friends without my permission and knowledge. Some people are just not as intelligent as you or understand as much you do. You have to promise Eliot.”
“I promise,” said Eliot.
“OK I will tell you. At the youngest age I can remember, I always thought of myself as a girl. I used to have so much fun playing with my sisters that it was obvious to me that I was one of them, but then my Mom told me that I was a boy and not like my sisters and I had to go to school in boys clothing. It didn’t make sense to me but I did what I was told.
“I didn’t like going to school in boys clothing but I was a good boy and did what my parents asked. When I got home I still spent time in a dress and played girls games with my sisters, and I did the same all the way through my summer breaks too.”
“But I also enjoyed going to school and enjoying boys’ games with you and my friends. I like boys stuff too, not just girls stuff. I was able to switch. Girls’ stuff with my sisters and boys’ stuff with you.”
“That may sound strange to you but it didn’t seem strange at all to me. This was my life for the first few years. But at a certain age things changed. My parents stopped me from wearing girls’ clothes and I had to do most everything in boys’ clothes.”
“I have never been a rebel and have always done what my parents asked me to do, but I never forgot that I still felt of myself as a girl inside, so over the last few years the girl inside me has begun to come out. At first in private but now in public to my friends.”
“Do you really think you are a girl?” asked Eliot.
“Inside I know I am a girl but some of the outside bits don’t agree. I have breasts you know?”
“I didn’t know that. Can I see?”
“No Eliot. You will have to buy me dinner first.”
“Really? Dinner?” said Eliot.
“That is a joke Eliot.” I said.
“You look like you have nice breasts from here Leslie.”
“You are not going to see my breasts Eliot. Anyway so what do you think about my story?”
“I don’t know. How could your parents just let you dress as a girl all that time without making you dress like a boy? Did you have to go to visit doctors and stuff to find out if you were a boy or a girl? The whole thing is confusing to me.”
“I have done some research on the internet Eliot and I found out a few things. It seems that most people are born with matching parts, a boys’ body with a boys’ brain, but some other people have parts that don’t exactly match. I have for the most part the body of a boy, but as you may have noticed I not a very convincing boy and I seem to have some girly bits. I think I was born with a partly boy’s body and a girl’s brain.”
“Also I seem to have missed the puberty stage most boys go through where they grow facial hair, grow men’s features like big chins and noses. I am nearly 20 years old and my shoulders are still slim like my sisters and I don’t have an adams apple. I just didn’t grow up to look like a boy or a man.”
OK so I didn’t mention about me using a hair remover on my face, but the rest of it is true.
“Added to that I have always wanted to wear girl’s clothes and play with girls. Don’t get me wrong because I did enjoy playing and hanging out with you all those years, but I have both sides in me. But now I feel the girl side has grown stronger than the boy side and I really believe I should be and need to be a girl.”
“Are you going to get your boy bits removed Leslie?”
“Maybe I will, but I haven’t made plans for that yet Eliot. I haven’t even explained all of this to a doctor, but it does seem a logical step for someone like me.”
I wanted to hang out with Eliot some more but my Mom told me that Dad had called and was on his way over.
“I have to go Eliot, I’m sorry.”
“When will I see you again?” asked Eliot.
I thought about it for a moment then I realized that I wouldn’t be out all day with my Dad and I could see Eliot later.
“Call me on my cell about 3:30 and we can go shopping.”
“What for, girl’s things?”
“Yes for girl’s things. If I was your real girlfriend you would go with me wouldn’t you? You can tell me how good I look in the nice dresses I am going to buy.”
Eliot reluctantly agreed and I walked him out to his truck just as Dad was arriving.
As I got in Dad’s Range Rover I climbed over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I thought that was an appropriate greeting for a girl who loves her father.
“Hi Dad, where are you taking me? It’s nice that we can get a little father daughter time before I go back,” As I said that I settled down into the beautifully soft leather seats of his Range Rover. OK the leather is soft but it still doesn’t seem to me like it’s worth twice as much as Andy’s Chrysler.
“I thought we could go to that nice little Greek place near my office, you know the one with the chairs out on the street. It’s usually quieter on a Saturday and I thought we could talk.”
“So what do you want to talk about Dad?” I said as Dad drove us down the winding road from our house.
It was a beautiful day. The sun was warming things up nicely and there was a light breeze enough to move the small billowing clouds across the sky slowly. A perfect day to be eating lunch outside with my Dad.
“There are so many things I want to talk about Leslie. You can start by telling me how you expect me to relate to the almost frivolous girly girl sitting beside me when last week you were a serious mathematics studying mountain biking boy?”
“Mom had a similar concern. She said she had a problem listening to the voice she has always known as me coming out of a girl that looks a lot like Fiona. All I can say dad is that it’s still me inside. I have all the same memories and feelings I had before. You are talking to the same Leslie but I just look different.”
“It’s obviously a lot more than that Leslie. The boy I thought you were was obviously an illusion. You must have been hiding all of these girly feelings from us and although I don’t want to criticize you for it, I do feel deceived. For all those years you were my son and I thought you were happy to be my son, you must have been hiding your real self from us.”
We carried on our conversation as we parked outside Angelo’s restaurant and took a seat under an umbrella outside.
“It’s not like I ever intended to deceive anyone Dad, but from my early childhood one thing happened after another and after all these years this is the final result. I have obviously been thinking a lot about this in the last few days and I now understand a lot more than I did.”
“When I was very small, I was told I was a boy, but what a boy should be didn’t ever really sink in. There were so many days I remember when I could spend the entire day in a dress and play with my sisters that I must have thought that was OK for boys to do that. It certainly didn’t seem wrong or out of place. I loved my sisters and you and Mom so much that my memories of that time were all happy.”
We ordered lunch from the nice young man serving who gave me more than an attentive glance. I smiled back at him and asked him for extra milk for my tea.
“You make it sound like you were raised as a girl Leslie but I don’t remember to being dressed as a girl but once or twice, but I do admit that you always looked pretty in a dress.”
“I think maybe Dad, I used to put my boys clothes on for you coming home for dinner as Mom would not let me wear a dress in the evening when you were home.”
“Are you saying that all this is your mothers fault for letting you wear dresses when you were small?”
“I am not into the blame thing Dad; I just want to explain what happened. I wanted to wear dresses and play with my sisters. They wanted me to play with them and they thought it was cool that I would wear a dress same as them.”
“Did your Mom dress you in girl’s clothes in the morning for breakfast?”
“No Dad, Mom always dressed me in my boys clothes and sometimes I used to do boys things and hang around with some of my boy buddies, but when the girls wanted me to play with them, one of them would bring me a dress and some shoes, so I could look like them and we would do girls thing.”
“Did your Mom ever try to stop you?”
“Yes I remember at times she did, but we would make a game of it. She would take a dress off me and one of my sisters would give me another dress as soon as she wasn’t looking. She got tired of the game after a while and just let me dress how I wanted. By the time I was seven or eight, Barbara was old enough to look after us without a babysitter so during the summer. Mom would sometimes go to work and just let us get ourselves dressed and fed etc. For those one or two summers I dressed almost exclusively as a girl during the day and only changing into boys clothes before you and Mom came home.”
“Didn’t your Mom and I try to stop you and talk to you about it?”
“Dad you are talking to me as though this is a surprise to you. You knew about me wearing girl’s clothes and you and Mom went to see a specialist about it.”
“Yes but I didn’t know it went this far. You make it sound like you spent half your childhood in a dress pretending to be a girl.”
“Dad please, I have never pretended anything. This who I am! If I pretended then I was pretending to be a boy so I could go to school and not be noticed.”
As the nice young man came back with our lunch, I recognized him from primary and middle school.
“Jeremy Geanus I said.”
“That’s right. Nice of you to remember. You are Fiona.”
“No you have the wrong sister,” I said. “I am Fiona’s younger sister Leslie.”
“I must be really screwed up,” said Jeremy. “I’m sorry but I thought you were a boy Leslie,”
“No I have never been a boy, although I may have looked and dressed like a boy at times. I even went to some boys classes, but I have always been a girl. You would never confuse me for a girl would you Jeremy?”
“No way,” said Jeremy. “You are really pretty. What school do you go to now?”
“I am at university in New Jersey doing Mathematics. What school do you go to?”
“I started at a trade school last week to become a carpenter. This job is to help me with pocket money. Do you have a job Leslie?”
“Yeh I do actually,” I said knowing that this was going to be news to my Dad too. “I play guitar and sing with my sister Fiona in a restaurant bar a couple of times a week.”
“Cool. Are you any good?”
“Some people tell us we are but we haven’t got a recording contract yet.”
“I gotta go do some work Leslie,” he said. “Really nice to meet you again.” Then he skipped off to serve someone else with a beaming smile on his face.”
“I am totally amazed Leslie,” said my Dad.
“You are quite captivating. You could have had him eating out or your hand. I am truly amazed by the difference from the old Leslie. He wouldn’t have had the nerve to speak up and say hello.”
“I know because I see the difference too. Only a couple of weeks ago I thought no one was interested in me because I was just a weedy runt of a boy who couldn’t speak up if his pants were on fire, but now I have my voice. People look at me now and say hey, that girl looks like she has something to say and I want to hear it. At university people stop me and say hey you are Leslie Haigt. We have heard of you. When are you singing again?”
“You have a sparkle in your eyes that I have never seen before Leslie. That boy saw it too.”
“Thanks Dad. You have a sparkle in your eyes now too. Do you think you might understand now? This is who I am and I can’t change back. Leslie Haigt is a beautiful girl going to college and enjoying her life more than ever before. Please tell me you understand.”
“I must admit I really don’t know how I got to this point, I didn’t understand till just then. I see the girl inside you now and I think you are something very special. Not to say that you were not special before but this is different. I think I am beginning to see the real Leslie.”
“Awe thanks Dad,” I said.
“I am still in shock though. I will miss not having a son, but the person who came back from college last night is so much happier and self-assured than the person who left last week I think that will make up for my loss. I must admit again that I love that sparkle in your eyes.”
“You will make me blush Dad.” I said giving my eyes a little flutter.
“Don’t know if I believe you Leslie. The new you doesn’t seem like someone who would blush easily. Did Mom tell you where we are going this afternoon?”
“She said you were taking me to see the gender specialist you spoke to all those years ago. She said that you sold him a house.”
“I did too. A very large house near Valley Forge, but his office is in Norristown. We need at least half an hour to get there.”
Dad ordered the check and we prepared to go. Jeremy came out with the machine and Dad paid with his card. Jeremy gave me a really nice smile while dad was doing his thing. I thought about reaching out to touch his hand but thought better of it.
We cruised down the 422 to Norristown on no time at all. I told Dad about the same things I had told Mom about earlier.
“What has Fiona said to you about all this?” asked my Dad. “Has she been supportive?”
“Fiona is a wonderful sister. Yes she has let me know that this has been a little weird for her but I think she is not unhappy about it. We have always been close but this may even bring us closer.”
“I spoke to Fiona yesterday,” he said. “She called me up tell me about her plans for the weekend. I asked her about what she thinks of your change. She is very concerned for you. She is shocked that this could happen so fast and it caught her by surprise. She also said she loves you and is doing all she can to help.”
“She is being very helpful. She has not said no to anything I asked. She hasn’t complained at all. Now I am saying that I now find myself thinking that she has done everything for me and I haven’t done anything for her. I have to be aware that it can’t all be about me and I have to consider others in what I do.”
“My sentiments exactly,” he said. “I am glad that you understand that this change of your affects everyone you know in ways you may not understand. Anyway we are here now and we can resume this conversation after you have spoken to Doctor London.”
We went into the office complex and up in the elevator to the third floor. The doctor’s reception was empty but the doctor came out of his office to greet us.
“Hi Charlie,” said the doctor.
“Thanks for doing this Sean,” said my Dad.
“I will be billing you Charlie so don’t sweat it,” said the doctor.
“You must be Leslie,” he said. “I am very pleased to meet you as I have been hearing about you for a few years. Please come through.”
We shook hands and went through to his office. It was a large room with a desk in the corner but most of the room was taken up with big comfy chairs and a coffee table. The blinds were open and I could see across the parking lot to the park and the river past it.
He asked me to sit wherever I wanted and asked if I wanted a drink. I accepted a Coke and sat at the end of the leather couch. He sat on a comfy chair across the coffee table from me.
“What do I call you?” I asked.
“In this office you can call me Sean but outside this office I expect that you will call me Dr. London. Is that OK with you?”
“Sure,” I said. I sat with my knees together and my hands on my lap not knowing what to do or say. Dr. London was a fairly big man maybe about 40 with thick black hair, thinning a little on the top. He had a beard that he kept short and trimmed to give himself the appearance of having a chin. He wore light colored flannel pants and a short sleeved white shirt. I wasn’t attracted to him but I could see he could have been attractive when he was younger.
“Let me give you some information about myself. I am a qualified medical doctor but I also hold a doctorate in psychology. I treat patients with mental and emotional disorders but I also specialize in gender.”
“Gender what? Do you mean gender disorders?”
“I have learned that the term disorder does not necessarily go with the word gender. There is a long list of conditions that I have been able to help with. I hope you will allow me to discuss your life to see if I can help you. Will you allow me to do that? At this time you seem to be a little apprehensive, which I of course understand. I am a stranger to you asking you to tell be your deepest secrets after all.”
“I am apprehensive but I am fully prepared to tell you everything. I just want to understand where you will fit into my future. Will you be the person to guide me through the life changes that I am expecting or are you just consulting before you pass me off to someone else?”
“I can be your main contact in the medical and psychology fields to help you through whatever you need through your journey to wherever your life takes you, apart from surgery should you believe that is necessary. I don’t know enough about you to say any more than that, but I will know more if you tell me about yourself.”
So I opened up. I told him about my earliest memories of being in a dress and playing with my sisters, then my parents telling me I had to dress as a boy, then my sisters dressing me when my parents were not around, then that stopping too. I told him of my cross-dressing at home when everyone else was away, my trips the mall to buy my own clothes and my first days at college. While I was talking he would sometimes make notes but most of the time he looked me in the eyes and paid attention.
“What about self-gratification. Was that part of your cross dressing?”
“Yes there was some at times, but not always. I just wanted to do my regular things while wearing a dress.”
“And what about during the last week that you have been living as a girl. Has there been any more self-gratification?”
“No not at all,” I said, “although during the last week I have had the first 3 sexual encounters of my life.”
“No, the first two were with women. Only the last one last night was my first time with a man.”
“I am sorry Leslie but you surprise me a little. Am I correct that until this week you never had any sexual activity with another person, but you have has sex with 3 different people in one week? Do you want to tell me about them?”
“No,” I said.
“I am sorry Leslie I don’t want details but I would like to know what attracts you. Can you tell me what kind of relationships you had with these people?”
“OK I don’t mind that. The first was with one of my female flat mates. She identified herself as lesbian but I think she is a little screwed up because of earlier life experiences. I think I am the first male in her life that didn’t hit on her or hurt her. She came into my bed late at night and gave me a blowjob.”
“What about your relationship with her right now. Will you see her again?”
“We are flat mates, but she said not to say anything to the others and that it didn’t mean anything.”
“Do you really believe that? There are very few people who can honestly say that having sex with someone doesn’t really mean anything to them. I would guess from what little you told me that it means a lot to her but she doesn’t want to show it to you for fear of rejection.”
“Jeez that makes me feel like shit.”
“I am sorry Leslie but you have obviously got a lot to learn about sexual relationships. You will have to figure that out later. What about the second?”
“The second was the most beautiful woman I have ever come in contact with, other than my sisters. She was tall and powerful with an amazing body. She appealed to the boy in me. She identified herself to me as lesbian and was attracted to the girl in me. After I told her about my orientation she still had sex with me, but it was non penetrating sex. Afterwards she told me that she couldn’t do it again but we could still be friends.”
I don’t know what to say about that encounter. With any luck she will be true to her word. I hope so for your sake. What about the third?”
“I met a really nice man who is a friend of my sisters. He met me once before I knew I wanted to be a girl. He was attracted to me but he had doubts about my sexual orientation. We had a long conversation about my believing I am a girl inside and him being attracted to me as a woman, but also as a woman with a penis even more so. He said he was not gay and had never had sex with a man, but still had oral and anal sex with me.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Totally exhilarated! He made me feel like a real woman and I am still glowing.”
“Are you going to see him again?”
“I think so. I hope so.”
“I am pleased for you, but I strongly recommend that you don’t add to your list of sexual partners for some considerable time, at least until the first 3 relationships are sorted and concluded. You may not think so but you are in a confused and delicate state at this moment and you are not giving yourself time to adjust between all of the major changes you have been subjecting yourself to.”
“Leslie I am not trying to startle you or shock you but without realizing it you have been acting like a whirlwind for the last week and you have not given yourself time to turn around and look at the trail of destruction you have left behind you.”
Trail of destruction? I hadn’t thought of it that way. But maybe I have not been looking back to evaluate what I have done. How many people have I actually hurt? Right now I was feeling sorry that I may have hurt MJ.
“Leslie the speed and the scope of the changes you have made in the last week is incredible, but you need to slow down. You need some reflective time before you jump into any other changes. Right now I suggest that you carry on with your school life as you have laid out to me but please don’t make any more radical changes or new sexual relationships until your life has settled down from the last week. Are you OK with that? I think we should stop there.”
“Aren’t you going to talk about hormones or surgery or my gynecomastia?”
“We are too soon in our consultation process to talk about hormones or surgery and I am sorry but I don’t know anything about your gynecomastia and I have no record of it.”
“I am growing breasts and I have never taken any hormones or anything. My Mom said she thought it might be gynecomastia so I thought you might be able to examine me.”
“I am Sorry Leslie but I can’t examine you today. You will have to call in for an appointment during the week. I don’t have any staff here and I can’t examine you without my other staff being present. We have certain protocols we must go through. I am only speaking to you right now as a favor to your father. The next time you come in we will register you properly and get a full medical work up. Should take about an hour, then we can make another appointment to speak about a path forward. Are you OK with that?”
“I guess so. I have been so caught up in the moment that I haven’t given myself any time to stop and think. I promise I will slow down and not make any more changes.”
I was feeling a little shell shocked at this time and needed some time to stop and think. We agreed this was a good time to wind things up and I thanked him for his time and patients. He told me he hoped he was helping and we shook hands and we went outside into the reception area where my dad was waiting patiently.
I took my dad’s hand and we walked over to the elevator. As soon as we got inside and the doors started closing I wrapped my arms around him and burst into tears. I don’t know why. I just needed him to hold me. I buried my head in his chest and he comforted me best he could. By the time I realized where I was there were other people waiting to get in to the elevator so he lifted me up and stood me in the hallway where I tried to recompose myself. I didn’t care what other people were doing around me; I just wanted to be comforted in my dad’s arms.
I recovered after a while and we made our way back to the car where he gave me some tissues and I cleaned myself up a bit.
“Anything I can help you with Leslie?” my dad asked.
“No Dad but thanks. It’s just a shock letting all those private things out then having someone qualified comment on them. He said I have been like a whirlwind for the last week not giving myself time to turn around and look at the trail of destruction left behind me. I didn’t realize it but it’s true. He didn’t tell me to change anything, but he did tell me not to make any more changes before I let the dust settle on all the changes I have made.”
“Do you like him? Do you think he might be the doctor you could stick with?”
“I think so Dad. He said I should make an appointment to come to see him next week and get a full medical work up. I have half a day where I can fit that in.”
“What did he tell you?”
“I am not going to talk about it right now Dad. I want to give my brain a rest.”
Right then my phone went. It was Eliot.
“Where are you Leslie. I thought you wanted to go shopping.”
“I’m sorry Eliot. This thing with my dad took longer than I thought. Hold on a second will you?”
I turned to speak to my Dad. “Dad do you think Eliot could come over this evening. I know you are having people over and it’s not a sit down meal or anything?’
“Sure,” my dad said. “The more the merrier. Does he play an instrument?”
I got back on the phone. “Eliot I can’t do anything right now but if you want you can come over this evening and bring your guitar. We are having a musical evening and you’re invited. Will you come?”
“I would love to. I can drive myself over. What time?”
“Sevenish. It’s not a sit down meal but wear something nice and be prepared to sing. Please remember that if you drive then we can’t let you drink.”
“He said he would come.” I told Dad.
“So are we going home,” Dad asked.
“Well Dad since I can’t go shopping with Eliot right now and we are close to King of Prussia. Could you take me shopping for a couple of things?”
“What kind of things.”
“Just dresses and shoes and stuff.”
“Shopping for dresses with my new daughter. What have I done to deserve this honor?”
“You have the great honor of being my Dad that’s all.”
“I must be a real pushover,” he said starting the car. “King of Prussia Mall it is.
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