Sweet Dreams-53 “It’s only a flesh wound!”
It’s been a really good day. The sex and the food in the morning and the coffee and watching movies was just so amazing. But so was Alex's idea of laying there together and napping. And taking the day off from classes was nice even though I actually like school here it was still really, really needed, I think I did need just being with Alex like this.
I have had very little times in my life when it was just okay to stop and just do that stop. Let someone care for me in little ways.
Like a nap at eleven in the morning after watching a movie and sitting there in the sunshine with Alex spooning me and feeling that huge warm bulk of his body there and those strong arms gently circling around me.
No sex, no necking as awesome as that is just being held and sleeping.
We eat the rest of the KFC around four and I stuff myself again we’re doing that because I can’t have anything except for clear liquids after six tonight.
That’s okay as good as everything had been I’m still used to going hungry. I do have two coffee’s though before six because with me having quit smoking and getting a caffeine withdrawal headache I become a serious bitch.
I’m good until six.
When six hits it’s sort of like the fasting is the starting clock towards surgery and them cutting me open…or off or is it off and open.
They are going to cut my guyness off.
Okay I will tell you that wanting something and getting something are two different things. I go from the whole freaked out oh shit moments to these okay…okay I’m good with this…this will change things and it’ll help erase some of the stuff that I’ve gone through.
Shit…maybe I should’ve just had the one coffee.
I want a smoke really bad too.
Though smoking and the whole surgery thing must really not mix.
It get’s to the point of me with my sweats down and my panties down in the bathroom staring down at it before Alex cracks.
“Enough.” He is looking at me and I turn beet red and pull up my panties. “Alex!”
“No don’t Alex me, you’re wound up out of control even and you’re going to spike you’re blood pressure. And I don’t want you back in the hospital.”
“I won’t I’m better.”
“You might because you’re still on the mend.”
“No you’re not c’mon.” He reaches in and he pulls me with him by the hand and he goes to the closet and gets our jackets.
“Where are we going?”
“Out, we can drive around and stuff and get your mind off of things.”
Oh…oh well okay I could actually go for a drive. I smile at him and take my jacket. “Okay…actually that really sounds like it’d be a good idea.”
Alex gets a few things of his and we go down to the car and we go for a drive. I’ve never actually gone out for a whole lot of drives. Even when we went places with mom and the step-shit Cliff it was kinda just from point A to point B unless they were hammered or stone or both.
This, this is totally different this is the seat warmer on and the radio on and playing a classic rock channel. I just am not really the pop rock kind of girl and easy listening is okay but it’d likely put me to sleep.
We start buy going to the bowling place first actually and we kill an hour there playing bowling and another hour playing video games.
Bwahaha…okay he completely kicks my butt in bowling but I repeatedly thrash him on arcade games. One of the few times Cliff sort of worked was at a biker/skinhead pool hall drug place that had lots of arcade games.
I am more than satisfied as I whup my guy in Streetfighter I’m of course using Cammy she’s my character of choice ever since she came out. I like Chun-lee too but not into the outfit really.
I’m happy and bouncy after that and we head out and I get some more water for the drive and we leave and we go for a drive down around Lakeshore which is really nice with the lake at night and the city itself is pretty awesome when you get a look at the lakeside downtown buildings.
It’s part of a life I’ve never thought about or that I’d see.
And driving with Alex…having someone, actually having a guy like him caring about me enough to hold me and comfort me and take car of me. Not just like body stuff but this…the going out and driving and keeping me from going nuts.
Having someone that cares enough to save you from the bullshit in your head is huge.
It even gets fun as we listen to stuff as we’re driving and just have fun. I’m a Air-drummer by nature and there is just something music geek cool about cruising through the city and listening to *Detroit Rock City* By KISS and we head out the I-96 for that scenic drive…even at night it’s nice and the traffic’s less and Alex cranks up the radio for Whitesnake and *Here I go Again.*
God I know it’s old stuff and dated as heck but it’s fun to just y’know be a teenage and be all goofy and rocking out a little to it. I can’t really sing but I sing along anyways and hit Alex in the arm until he slowly starts to grin and then he even sings along too.
I’ve never had a night quite like this one. It is this kind of shift in things as Alex and I aren’t just lovers and living together but I can feel it where we’re friends too.
Yeah you can be in love with someone and not be friends with them. Like doing this, hanging out and driving down the highway singing loudly and off key with songs like Poison’s *Talk Dirty to Me.*
I know I’m mentioning songs and stuff but this kind of is the first real time that I’ve done this driving teen thing listening to music thing.
It’s kind of a whole lot of awesome.
And I think because of that I’m falling for him in a whole new way. Sometimes if you’re lucky you’re friends first, a lot of the time I know that people just aren’t.
You can love someone, make love to someone, live with them even but liking them as a friend.
It’s totally different.
It’s being in an old parking lot ten at night with him teaching me how to drive his car and use a stick shift and he’s patient and fun as we do stuff from weaving in and out of water bottles to parking to Alex teaching me how to do doughnuts and make the tires chirp and even leave a little strip.
We even go around the long way or longish way home and switching over to the easy listening stuff and I just snuggle into the seat with a sweet sigh and a smile until we get home.
I wait until he comes around to the stairs to our place and wrap my arms around his neck. It’s a tip toe stretch but I can. I kiss him deeply.
“You’re welcome you had fun?”
“Yeah, I had fun.”
He kisses me. “Good.”
“I like you y’know.” I say after the kiss and I blush some.
He raises an eyebrow. “I like you too.”
“No…that’s not what I mean…I mean I like you.”
“Okay…” He leans back on the car. “You’re meaning something…else?”
“Yeah…I…I love you, you know that right?”
“Yes…and I love you too.”
“But loving someone isn’t liking someone.”
“I mean I kind of liked you before but I loved you.”
Alex crosses his arms and he looks confused. “Hunter?”
“Look married people are usually in love right?”
“But they have different stuff, things they like, friends…sure they date each other but they just hang out and living together doesn’t count.”
He tilts his head, then the other way.
He smiles a little as I think it got through. He pushes off the car. “I like you too Hunter.”
“Yes.” He kisses me and sweeps me right up off my feet. “And I hope that some day we’ll get there.”
“To the forever and always stuff.”
“Where we in love with our best friends.”
He stops at the door to our place and he fiddles with the keys as he kisses me just so right. It’s so right because it feels like there’s this chance of not just not being alone anymore but that Alex gets me. The feeling is somewhere down inside like the place where you get butterflies but instead of nervous it’s just sort of this feeling that him getting me is important.
We get inside and we kiss a long while and head off to bed after a shower together and I get to drift off in his arms again.
Face to this time, I want to smell him, feel his heartbeat…maybe silently bite my lip and happy cry just because of tonight.
……………………………….....Morning comes way too early. It comes way to scary as well when the alarm goes off my stomach gets knotted up and I get my bag and my things ready brush my teeth and head out to be with Alex and we head down to the car and Adam and April are there and we head out to my doom.
Well my surgery.
It’s scary and really fast how quickly they get me registered and then it’s up to the surgical floor and April is with me as I’m getting undressed right to the point that the nurses are going to gulp…shave me.
“Oh I should’ve thought to do this myself.”
The nurse looks at me and she smiles. “It’s okay honey, I’ve done this before.”
“Okay…talk about a job perk.”
She chuckles. “Well in nursing you do get to see some interesting things.”
“I’ll bet…this is a first?”
“Not by a long shot.”
“Definitely, in the last decade Hunter things like intersexed boys and girls are getting more common as it comes out more and more.”
“Okay that actually makes me feel better.”
“Good, it’s true the other way too.”
“I’ve seen a lot of people that were like you but their parents or even some doctors fixed things that some kids like you had been born like.”
“Oh…like…okay that might be hard, I mean if you think you’re one thing and then realize you’re something else and…you can’t change it.”
“Yeah, there are some kinds that we can’t fix…or not yet. But kiddo you can get to look forward to things to come now.”
I sigh leaning back on the stretcher.
“Yeah, god y’know I’m so ready for that. I’ve been living this way all my life and It’s been so jumbled when I can look back at things.”
“Like, I mean if you’re okay with me asking.”
“I cross dressed, I was going for the whole punk and freak thing because it kept people away.”
“Bad childhood, really bad step dad too.”
“A defense against him too?”
“Yeah, he was a skinhead so the fag stuff was something he avoided like the plague…plus it kinda kept him from trying to man me up and try to make me like him.”
“Sounds dangerous. He might have done things to you dressed like that.”
“Oh no….no he was a full on homophobe.”
“Why didn’t he….why would he keep you around then?”
“Welfare, mom got a better cheque with me around.”
“Not nice, but you seem in a better place now.”
“Yeah but I’ll be so glad to be me. Getting my hormones right, look like the me that I was supposed to be, put on my underwear without feeing weird about it. Just all those little things.”
“Hey those little things mean a lot. I got implants because of that?”
I look at her she has nice breasts but not big or overdone like some. “Why’d you get them?”
“Genetics, my mom’s family was never really busty and I couldn’t find stuff that fit. I mean it’s not a big thing really. But y’know…I was so tired of things and with the hips I have I just wanted balance.”
“Yeah, balance would be good. I want that too.”
“Well you’re all done.”
“Honestly a lot.”
“It’ll be okay, I’ll be in there with you.”
She leaves and April comes back in and she smiles. “All set?”
“No…but really, really yes.”
“The stuff you and the nurse were just talking about?”
“You might want to see someone about the stuff that you’ve been through honey.”
“No thanks, I’m not sure I could even get close to doing that right now.”
“I know, just putting it out there.”
“Thanks though y’know that does help.”
She holds up a tablet. “You want to do some shopping?”
“A new start a new wardrobe?”
“No…April that’s too much. I’m not taking something like that. It’s too much.”
April sits with me and takes my hand. “Look Hunter I can’t have kids, you and Alex are it. My only chance y’know. I have the money and I want to do this…like I said last time I really don’t have any close girl friends either.”
I look at her and sigh. “Okay but we are not going overboard.”
“Okay, definitely but a whole new start with things needs all new underwear.”
I roll my eyes and smile. “Okay, then show me what you’ve got?”
We’re looking at these so not me high end pretty things but really not me. I mean there’s plenty of pretty things out there but wow there is a lot of really high, high end stuff. Okay I do like them but I will only buy stuff like this when I can afford it.
We’re actually looking over jeans and stuff when the Dr.’s come with the orderlies and all the staff needed show up and they start going over my chart and the start my drip and start going over the stuff in my operation.
Okay apparently the idea is a snip but doing stuff to the blood supply to reconnect the major stuff and tie off the rest and use the skin to due my stuff…uhm…labia and yeah that stuff.
It’s all really technical and really scary when I think about the blood…and all the veins and stuff.
I’m about to get all panicked and freaked out when the give me a shot through my IV.
Whoo…I get this feeling of a tranq hitting me pretty fast and it takes the edge off and they start to wheel me along the halls and it really kicks in. I’m getting to that loopy feeling not knocked out but really loose.
I’m getting wheeled along when they put the mask on me to get me started. I smile feeling a whole lot less anxious and look at the doctors.
“You guys play music in the O.R.”
“Can I make a song request or two?”
He laughs. “Well we can try, like what?”
“Oh how about Cut’s like a knife?”
They a get a chuckle out of that.
I smile some more. “Or The first cut is the deepest or Bleed like me.”
He gives a nod and there’s a hiss for a second. “We’ll see now Hunter can you count back from twenty for me?”
I get to fourteen before falling asleep.
I wake up and I’m so dry.
“Hey Baby…” Alex says softly.
He called me baby.
“Hey…what time is it?”
“Like three in the afternoon.”
“Same day?” He nods and gets up with a cup and a straw. “Here, ice water they said you could have this.”
“Oh goodie…I’m really dry.”
He feeds me water and breaks it between kisses. It’s really sweet. I kiss him one more time. “Worried?” I ask stroking his cheek.
“Yes, I was worried with you and surgery and coming in and out of it.”
“Yeah, stuff like that worries me as much as the other.”
“Every time I get sedated or drugged and it’s scary because every time I get loopy from stuff I think about mom.”
“Hunter, you’re not your mom.”
I sigh. “I know, it’s still scary y’know.”
He presses his forehead to mine. “Yeah, I know.”
We’re there for a few moments. “You up for visitors?”
He leaves and April and Adam come in and she hugs me and he…well it’s Adam so he just looks at me and there’s a sorta smile but more of something around his eyes. He sort of takes my hand too in kinda like a hold and kinda like a handshake.
“You need some magazines? Anything?”
“I think I’m good, but maybe my laptop?”
“Alex brought it. I’ll get it.”
I see Adam leave but I hear him asking the nurse when I can be moved to my room and when can I have a cup of coffee in that voice that’s more demanding than reasonable.
He comes back with my computer bag and he looks at me as he passes it to me. “They’re going to move you in awhile so just hold tight okay, they want you to have gone through a couple of IV’s and be sure everything’s working okay down there.”
Yes I’m turning red since we’re talking about me and my bodily functions. “Okay…okay enough said about that.”
He does this pretty close to evil chuckle and Alex looks at him. “Really, really have you been waiting all day for that?”
Adam just does that little sorta smirk look and he leans over and kisses my cheek. “I’m glad that everything went well I’m going to get back to work.”
I kiss his cheek.
“Thank you, It means a lot that you’re here.”
“Yeah…just take it easy okay?” He’s that almost embarrassed too which makes me smile some and he leans back and gives April a bit of a hug and a peck on the lips before he leaves and she’s smiling.
I smile at her. “That was a PDA.”
She smiles. “Yeah…it was.”
We just sort of sit there together for awhile after that and I end up looking at stuff on her tablet with her again and I’m kinda getting that it’s not about the shopping it’s about the shopping.
Yes I just said that.
We’re not buying stuff but we’re looking and we’re talking about some of the stuff. It’s bonding it’s like talking books or movies or like video-games with someone that’s into that stuff. I honestly sort of get it too and with us girls it does sometimes mean more than just shopping or clothes. Alex is actually sleeping in the chair. He’s a definite guy and I think he was getting rather bored.
It’s awhile before the nurses and doctors come around and then it’s the embarrassing stuff…I’m hooked to the catheter and the bag and they check that and the fact I’m making pee is good and they take that to check and refit the bag and they check my dressing too and I get to see down there for the first time.
I know surgery is gross and after surgery is gross but there’s red and there stains and there’s swelling and stitches and stuff. They’re checking all of that and the redress everything and I can’t help it as much as I’m grossed out and embarrassed I’m fascinated too.
It’s gone…like completely gone and everything else too.
It’s a lot to process right now but at the same time past the sort of shock to all of it is this little feeling of yay?
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